The Indians in the Lobby

Previously on The West Wing: Bruno Gianelli wanted unfettered access to POTUS, but was told he couldn't have it; Abby realized that the reason they're making a case against her is because they don't have one against the President; Leo suggested leaking the fact that Buckland tried to blackmail the President; Abby told Jed to go to hell.

The scene opens with a shot of the Presidential Seal on the rug in the Oval Office, and Jed's and C.J.'s feet. They're sitting in the side chairs alongside the sofas. POTUS says, "I'm not wild about Camp David. I'm not the only one, either. Bess Truman didn't like it. I read that somewhere. She thought it was dull." Like this scene, and much of this episode? He continues, "But there I go: Thanksgiving at Camp David." C.J., whose affect is almost that of one in a coma, says, "Yeah." Sure, she's supposed to be bored silly, but the whole thing is so tortured and flat that it comes off really badly. Just wait. You'll see. He states that it's not a place you'd go at Thanksgiving, particularly if (as he does), you have a farm. C.J. inquires, "Isn't Camp David a farm?" Oh, good Lord. I really and truly think the White House Press Secretary would know this. Even if she's never been there, which she probably hasn't. I've never been there, and I know it's not a farm. Along with much of the viewing audience, POTUS wonders why C.J. would think that. C.J. shrugs, and with something like meek indifference replies, "I don't know...it's outside?" Attention staffers: Leave. The. White. House. Now. Could these people possibly need to get a life any more than they do? Suggestion: Go outside once in a while. The graphics are amazing. POTUS tells her that farms have things you can grow, and animals. (Like at Manchester, where they were a couple of months ago?) How much of a bubble does she live in? She's never heard "I'm Too Sexy" before Autumn 2001, and she has no idea that Camp David is a mountain retreat? POTUS informs her semi-sternly, "I want you to learn more about farms." C.J. -- lightly, trying not to sound too sarcastic or weary: "There's more?" She pretends to agree to this. Actually, it sounds like she needs to learn more about Camp David.

POTUS continues rambling on, saying, "Thanksgiving's where your family is, and this year my family's at Camp David. Why, I do not know...Abby didn't want to schlep to New Hampshire." Well, could that have anything to do with the woman's broken ankle? I wonder. "'Schlepping' in a 747. It's not like we were going to have to carry our own bags or anything. But I do not argue." C.J. and I struggle to maintain consciousness. He suddenly wonders if he and C.J. were talking about something. She replies, "I don't know, sir. When I came in here, back in the late '50s, there was a purpose to it. But then one thing led to another and I blacked out. I mean, I can hang in there with the best of them, sir, but somewhere during the discussion of anise and coriander and the other fifteen spices you like to use to baste a turkey, I simply lost consciousness!" He's not amused and gives her a forbidding look: "You know that line you're not supposed to cross with the President?" C.J.: "I'm coming up on it?" POTUS: "No, no. Look behind you." C.J.: "Yes, sir." He asks if she would like to leave. She replies, "With your permission, sir." Jed: "Damn right with my permission." She almost makes her escape, but before she gets to the door, Jed adds, "It's the brine that keeps the meat soft, lady. You soak it overnight in water, salt, sugar..." She interjects, "Seventeen kinds..." He says, "Seventeen kinds of spices, including?" She's almost out the door but sticks her head back in and says, "Anise and coriander." Jed: "Now you can go." She thanks him and closes the door.

Just outside the Oval Office, C.J. runs into Josh, who appears to have been waiting there for her. He asks how she's doing; she says, "I'm done, baby." She kind of jazzily struts over to him, gently snapping her fingers. Well, she recovered quickly. As she walks over, she rapidly announces all the things she's done: set up a meeting, did a briefing, pardoned the turkey, and went to the dentist. They walk together as Josh says, "So there are these two Indians in the lobby..." Before we go much further, let me just tell you, I made a little bet with myself when I found out that the title of this episode had changed from the originally publicized "The Butterball Hotline," to "The Indians in the Lobby." The bet was that we would hear the phrase "Indians in the lobby" repeated at least five times in this episode, per the trend lately on this show to repeat certain phrases and dialogue to an annoying degree. My final tally was five and half, not counting the title. The half was for a reference to "Indians sitting in the lobby." So I won the bet. I should have bet something good. Also, I might as well just get this out of the way, since I'm going to have to hear it over and over: I am one of those people who finds it annoying that we're still (how many centuries after Columbus?) referring to aboriginal North Americans as "Indians." I don't think it's simply a matter of the dreaded "political correctness" to refer to them as native peoples, aboriginal peoples, peoples of the First Nations, etc. It's more accurate, and it emphasizes the political, geographical, legal, and social bases for their land claims and efforts to rectify the numerous and egregious injustices done them by European explorers and settlers. Plus, since I'm married to an actual Indian, it's tiresome and annoying to have to use silly expressions like "East Indian" in order to accurately convey his ancestry when the topic comes up. It's more than a little ridiculous to have to qualify the descent of someone whose parents and ancestors for several generations are actually from India.

Anyway...C.J. thinks Josh is introducing a joke, but he clarifies that he's not. C.J.'s listening, either way. Josh explains that the people in the lobby had a meeting this morning with Jacob Cutler, of Intergovernmental Affairs, and that Cutler had to cancel so that he could see Northwestern border state governors to discuss porous borders between the U.S. and Canada. Josh names the states: Washington, Idaho, North Dakota, Montana, and Alaska. I'm not sure why C.J. would need this information, so maybe Josh is showing off a bit, or perhaps this is a shot at rectifying the impression the audience may have that the writers of this show don't know their U.S.-Canadian geography that well, supported by the previously advanced notion that Vermont and Ontario share a border. Josh finally gets back to the point, which is, "Apparently, the Indians say they're not leaving till they get satisfaction." C.J. stops and turns, asking sharply, "How's this my problem?" Josh explains that there are two Indians sitting in the lobby; they're refusing to leave, and there's press everywhere: "I just made it your problem." C.J. sighs. "Indians on the day before Thanksgiving. Wow. Ironic." She exits to the lobby.

C.J. walks up to a man and a woman who are standing near a security guard. C.J. tells the guard she's got it. She greets them and introduces herself. The woman replies, "I'm Maggie Morningstar-Charles and this is our tribal counsel, Jack Lone Feather." Jack is played by Canadian actor Gary Farmer, who's from the reservation over from mine. Whoops, wait: I didn't grow up on a reservation, just in a suburb built on land that by treaty was supposed to belong to the native Canadians in our immediate area. C.J. apologizes for the cancellation of their meeting, and says it will be no problem to reschedule. Maggie says that they can wait. C.J. asks whether they'd like to come to her office to try to reschedule the appointment. Maggie says, "We're fine here." C.J.: "I"m sorry?" Jack says, "She said, 'We're fine here.'" C.J.: "Actually, you're not fine here." Jack, firmly but not rudely: "Then you can forcibly remove us. I've noticed that correspondents from the Times, Reuters, CNN, and The Miami Herald are here." Maggie adds, gesturing with her cell phone, that The Washington Post is on her speed dial. C.J. asks, "This is going to have something to do with us screwing you out of all your land, isn't it?" Oh, come on -- as if the Press Secretary would say that, however true. Wouldn't that be a juicy sound bite? I wonder why Maggie isn't already pressing her speed-dial button. Maggie: "Yes." C.J. responds, "See, I was done." And credits.

Josh runs into Leo. He asks whether Leo's heard about the two Indians in the lobby. Leo asks, "One of them wants to become a rabbi?" Josh says it's not a joke, and starts to explain but decides against it. Leo pedebriefs Josh: "Last week, a thirteen-year-old kid in Georgia shot his teacher in the back of the head." Josh read about it, and heard they can't find the kid. Leo tells him that Interpol arrested the kid last night in Rome; apparently the parents shipped the kid off as soon as it happened (seems a tad unlikely, but whatever ["Isn't that what happened in the case of Alex Kelley, the so-called 'Darien Rapist'?" -- Wing Chun]) and they're in custody. As they reach Leo's office, he states that the Governor wants the kid back, but that Italy won't extradite to a country with the death penalty. Now the Governor wants help from the Justice Department. Josh wonders, "Why isn't this conversation taking place in the DeKalb County DA's office?" I know several readers will be annoyed if I do not point out that DeKalb is pronounced throughout this show as it's spelled, but should apparently be "Da-Kab." Leo's non-explanation: "It's taken on an international flavour." Josh: "Much like myself." Huh? Leo asks, "You'll talk to some people?" Josh: "S." Leo: "And you'll stop doing that soon?" Josh says he will.

Another shot starting from the feet up. Sam is pacing outside Toby's office. Toby, sitting at his desk reading a paper, asks whether Sam is guarding Toby's office. Sam laughs weakly, almost perfunctorily, and says, "That's funny." It is? Toby thanks him. Sam sighs. He doesn't go anywhere -- just stands in front of Toby's door looking off in a different direction. Toby: "Yeah?" Sam comes in and tells him that on Monday, the OMB (Office of Management and Budget) is putting out a new formula for calculating the poverty level. Toby knows, and wonders whether it needs Presidential approval before it goes to Congress. It does, but Sam describes it as a "good news/bad news thing." He says that the new formula means that poverty is up 2%; the threshold was $17,524, but the new formula would put anyone with an annual income under $20,000 below the poverty line, which translates into four million "new" poor people. Toby: "Four million?" Sam says that's obviously the bad news. He indicates the good news is that more people are eligible for benefits. Toby: "And taxpayers are nuts about that. Let's get back to the bad news: four million people became poor on the President's watch?" Sam points out, "They didn't become poor. They were poor already. And now we're...calling them poor." Toby tells Sam to find out what was wrong with the old formula. Sam suggests that it's possible this is a statistical reality and not a political fight. Toby tells Sam to find out what was wrong with the statistical reality of the old formula, and to do it today. As Sam leaves, Toby gripes, "It's like when they did the thing with the SAT scores and I got dumber twenty years after I went to college." Sam agrees that it's a little like that.

C.J. is talking to the Indians in the lobby. Maggie is citing how the Treaty of 1856 meant they were moved from New York to Wisconsin. C.J. says this isn't a good place for this; it's a lobby. Maggie says, "I know what this is. I have a degree from the University of Michigan." I found this line weirdly defensive in this context; it's as if we need to be told that there are native people with advanced educations or something. Or at least, that these particular people are not unsophisticated malcontents. So far they've been nothing but civil, poised, and patient; it's not like they're having conniption fits or spray painting the lobby or anything. Jack says, "If we give up this ground, we lose our one bullet in our gun. We need to be in view of the press." C.J. asks what tribe they're from. They are Stockbridge-Munsee Indians. Jack says that when they signed the Treaty of 1856 and were moved to Wisconsin, the government, in turn, was supposed to protect their reservations, provide education and health care, and recognize them as a sovereign nation. He states, "But then the Dawes Act came." C.J.: "You were forced to sell the land?" He continues, "We went from 46,000 acres of tribal land to 11,000. The Dawes Act was also supposed to 'civilize' us." He manages to say this without spitting in contempt, which is more than I would have managed. Jack: "Henry Dawes said, 'To be civilized, you must cultivate the land, wear civilized clothes, drive Studebaker wagons, and drink whiskey.'" Maggie, dryly: "The drinking part was particularly constructive advice." C.J. apologetically says, "Now, before we go any further, I should tell you there's absolutely nothing I can do for you." Maggie: "Imagine our shock." C.J., sheepishly: "Yes." Maggie states, "In two generations, we'll be wiped out." Understandably, C.J. doesn't know what to say to that.

Josh talks to Donna at her desk about his Thanksgiving flight plans. She's gotten him a flight that gets him there in time for dinner, but not one that saves him having to change planes in Atlanta. By and large, the extreme petulance of their relationship of late has disappeared. Josh is dismayed: "I told you..." She's all, "You have to change planes in Atlanta. Deal with it!" He argues that there must be something else. The only other flight gets him there too late for dinner. She suggests, "You could get a C-141 leaving Andrews for Homestead, but there's a problem with that, too." Josh: "It would trigger a Congressional investigation?" She replies, "All right, two problems." God knows they've got enough investigation-related woes. He tells her to find him something. She asks, "Why is this being done last-minute?" Josh: "And...remember to scold me a couple of times before I go." Donna inquires, "Did you just decide you're going home for Thanksgiving?" Josh says he didn't, but thought he was going to Connecticut, because that's where "the house" is. Donna points out that his mother sold the house ten months ago. Josh says that he made a mistake. Donna, amused: "You forgot where your mother lives?" Josh insists: "I'm from Connecticut! Okay? And like a swallow to Capistrano, I have to..." He tells her to find him a flight. Donna clicks away at her computer, making like she's looking at Expedia.com but really she's checking out MBTV. He also instructs her to call Russell Angler at the State Department and tell him that he needs to speak to him about the kid in Georgia. As he returns to his office, Donna calls out, "I'm telling your mother you forgot where she lives!" Josh's rejoinder: "You're the girl I made fun of in elementary school, you know that?" Donna smiles adorably to herself, much pleased, and says, "Yes, I do." Sam ambles up and asks if he may go in to see Josh. Donna asks if he knows of any special secret flights to Palm Beach. Sam: "Yeah, but you gotta change planes in Atlanta."

In his office, Josh asks Sam whether he heard about the little assassin in Georgia. Josh says that his parents "FedExed him to Rome, which is in Italy." Sam: "Are you kidding me?" Josh: "No, it's really in Italy." As Josh (unasked) grabs Sam a bottle of water from the little bar fridge and tosses it to him, Sam realizes that the problem is that Italy won't extradite because of the death penalty in Georgia. Josh says, "They've come a long way since Mussolini." Sam says, "You should mention that." Josh: "I will." Sam sits down, announcing, "So, it turns out we've got four million new poor people." Josh: "Since when?" Sam: "Well, yesterday, actually." Josh guesses that the OMB is recommending a new model. Josh replies, "Well, I'm not an expert, but wouldn't we have a better chance of getting re-elected if we could say there are four million fewer poor people? Hang on. Wait. I am an expert." Sam states that he thinks they'd have a better chance of getting re-elected if there actually were four million fewer poor people. Sam's going to be talking to Bernice Collette from the OMB and try to get her to hold off on the new model for a while. Josh is doing some stuff just outside his office door. He asks whether Sam knows Bernice. Sam doesn't seem to know her. Josh indicates, "She's, uh, a little tough to warm up." Sam says he'll warm her up. Josh seems skeptical: "Yeah?" Sam gets up and walks to the door and says: "Jokes, nicknames, that sort of thing..." Josh thinks it sounds like Sam has a pretty good plan. Sam asks whether there's anything else he needs to know, mainly because it hasn't been mentioned in the last ninety-seven seconds that there are Indians in the lobby. Josh tells him: "Don't go through the lobby." Sam: "Why?" Josh: "Indians in the lobby." Sam asks, "Is that code?" Josh: "No. There are Indians in the lobby." Josh goes back into his office. Sam glances toward the lobby and walks off in the opposite direction.

POTUS, as he signs some documents, is regaling Charlie with Thanksgiving-related gripes and turkey lore, telling him that Bess Truman thought Camp David was dull. Jed hands him the folder and says, "As long as you've got an oven that will go to 320..." Er...are there a lot of ovens that don't? I mean, I'm no Martha Stewart; I'm not even a Nigella Lawson, but I was under the impression that all standard ovens can operate to at least 500. He continues, "You take your turkey, which has been soaking overnight in water, salt, coriander..." Someone knocks. Nancy (Jed's assistant/Martin Sheen's daughter, not the NSA advisor) tells him that Toby's there, and asks if she can send him in. Charlie quickly says, "Yes." Jed looks at him questioningly. Charlie, remembering his place, says, "Yeah, well, that's obviously a question for you, sir." Jed: "She was asking me." Charlie says he'll step out. Jed: "Yeah."

Toby comes in, greets Jed, and says, "Before anything else, I was hoping I could impose on you for as much information as you can spare about making a turkey." Chuckle. Jed: "This is some preemptive psychological thing?" Toby admits it is. Jed: "That's not going to work." Toby's mildly disheartened, but sits down and mentions that Jed's going to be seeing in week's message calendar a notation about a new federal initiative to provide low-cost cell phones to neighbourhood-watch groups. Jed says he's seen the calendar, and he's having some difficulty navigating the colour coding. Toby explains that the colours represent areas: blue is for education, green's for the economy, etc. Jed replies, "Well, there should be a separate colour for things I don't care about." Toby: "Like what?" POTUS replies, "Providing low-cost cell phone service to neighbourhood-watch groups." Toby says it's important. Jed: "Really?" Toby says, "You spot a crime. You going to go to a pay phone?" Well, I would, if I could find one anymore. I don't know about anywhere else, but in Southern Ontario phone booths and pay phones have become about as scarce as people who enjoy turkeys seasoned with anise and coriander. Ever since the advent of cell phones, and as such phones get cheaper and cheaper, pay phones have been gradually disappearing. Yeah, you can still find a bank of them in an airport or train station or maybe at a major subway station, but I remember walking blocks around Yorkville (one of Toronto's snootier shopping areas, dense with high-rise office buildings and plenty of stores and restaurants) in a nearly vain search for a pay phone until I remembered that there was a pay phone outside the third-floor washroom of a big-box bookstore. That was pretty much the last straw, and Professor Frink got me a cell phone at the gift-giving opportunity. Also, I've read complaints from residents of less privileged neighbourhoods in the Greater Toronto Area that the pay phones in their areas don't work after dark; apparently some of them are timed to work only during daylight hours so that drug dealers can't avail themselves of the pay phones. (Don't drug deals happen during the day, too? ["Don't drug dealers have cell phones?" -- Wing Chun]) I guess people in those neighbourhoods had just better hope they don't have any pay phone-related emergencies. God knows those hardly ever come up in higher-crime areas. Anyway. That's Nurseable Grudge #137.

Jed says there's nothing wrong with the policy, it's just that it's too small: "I could fund this initiative out of my pocket." Toby mentions it's $10 million. Without missing a beat, Jed says: "Leo could fund it out of his pocket." That's at least the second reference and possibly the third to Leo's affluence. I'd like to know the deal there. Jed thinks this should be something local government deals with. Toby points out that people like it if, in addition to passing large and abstract pieces of legislation, the government passes small and minute and easy-to-understand pieces of legislation. Jed asks how popular this is; Toby replies, "Eighty-two percent." Jed: "Get out of here." Toby: "Hand to God." Jed replies, "Bring me that polling data." Toby gets up and as he's leaving, asks, "What kind of stuffing are we talking about?" Jed answers, "Cornbread, oysters, water chestnuts, and Andouille sausage." That sounds, not to put too fine a point on it, hideous. He's cooking it inside the turkey. Toby tells him he had better make sure it cooks; otherwise people will be very, very sick. Jed insists he's got it covered. He asks if there's anything else. Toby wonders if POTUS knows about the new OMB definitions. Jed knows they're coming out, and asks what they're going to look like. Toby: "That depends. You want more poor people or fewer poor people?" Jed: "Fewer poor people." Toby says, "You got it. Thank you, Mr. President." He wanders out and we go to commercial.

"Caraway seeds, thyme, cornbread, oysters, water chestnuts, and Andouille sausage." Jed is in the doorway between his office and Leo's, regaling him with the ingredients for his stuffing. Leo tries to care: "Sounds good." Jed, in one of the inexplicable and ongoing displays of increasing idiocy, or perhaps early senility, states that Toby pointed out that you have to be careful when you cook stuffing inside the turkey, because if it's not fully cooked people can get very sick. I don't think "duh" is too strong a word for me to use here. Surely the average person is dimly aware of the dangers that can accompany undercooked meat? Ever heard of salmonella poisoning? Escherichia coli? Surely this Nobel-prize-winning, doctorate-holding, livestock-owning farmer manqu who also happens to be the freaking President of the United States (FPOTUS, ™ me) has encountered the notion of dangerous, possibly fatal, bacteria that can exist in a range of things from undercooked beef and unpasteurized milk to sprouts and lettuce? And he'll be addressing the complex issue of bovine spongiform encephalopathy (mad cow disease) week? God help us. Or maybe it's just an excuse to fill some time with inane banter. Or maybe it's a big set-up for the Butterball Hotline scene. Or maybe I just need a big drink of Kool-Aid. I don't know anymore. Martin Sheen does his best to sell it, but...guh. It's kind of like he's parodying the way he usually plays Jed. Or like he's playing someone else playing him as Jed, if you get what I mean. Anyway, Leo's heard of it. Jed thinks Toby might have been playing with him. Leo suggests that Toby might be. Jed: "But you say you've heard of it?" Leo: "Maybe I am, too." Jed: "Nah, you don't have that kind of wit." Jed says he needs to talk to an expert. Leo says, "Talk to Ren." Jed says he can't ask Ren. Leo yells for Margaret and asks her to try the head chef at home. Jed quickly tells her not to bother. She leaves. Jed repeats that he can't ask Ren right now: "Well, frankly, I thought he did something stupid and inconsiderate last week, but it turns out I was just in a bad mood." Leo: "You gave him a firm talking-to." Jed: "Yes, and while he didn't deserve it, he will someday soon." Dude, you are the FPOTUS. I think the guy will answer the question for you, his employer. Charlie appears to say the polling data Jed asked for has arrived. As he returns to the Oval Office, Jed asks Leo, "Eighty-two percent are in favour of fixing potholes?" Leo acknowledges this.

As Charlie and Jed walk back into the Oval Office, Jed says, "If they want the nickel-and-dime stuff, I'll tell you one thing we can do. This time of the year, there should be a hotline you can call with questions about cooking turkeys. A special 800 number, where the phones are staffed by experts." Charlie says that there is: The Butterball Hotline. Jed takes off his glasses, astonished: "Butterball has a hotline?" Wow, the Butterball people must be ecstatic with this product placement. I wonder why the name of the episode was changed? Anyway, Jed asks, "Are you kidding me?" Charlie says he isn't. Jed touches his chest lightly in the area of his heart and looks up briefly, saying, "God, I'm sorry. I love my country. Charlie, get me the number for the Butterball hotline." Charlie starts to zip off when Jed starts reading the polling data and indicates he doesn't think Charlie brought him the right poll. Jed keeps looking through it and says, "Son of a bitch...find Bruno Gianelli. Tell him I want to see him right away."

Sam meets with Bernice. He shakes her hand, saying, "How you doing, Bernie?" She politely but firmly says, "I'm not wild about people calling me 'Bernie.'" He asks what he should call her; she says "Bernice" is fine. Sammy asks, "But how will you know I'm your buddy?" She responds, "I'm okay living in the dark on that." They walk toward Sam's office as he asks her to tell him how they arrived at the current poverty standard -- by which he means the one they've been using, not the new one, which hasn't been approved yet. She says they have to sign off on the new standard because it's much more accurate. She explains, "In 1963, an Eastern European immigrant named Molly Orshansky -- who was working over in Social Security -- came up with it. Food was the most costly living expense where she came from." Sam asks, "Our cost-of-living formula for the last forty years has based on life in Poland during the Cold War?" Bernice says, "This is what I'm talking about. Food doesn't account for one third of a family's budget. Housing is more expensive than food. The current model also doesn't take into account transportation and health insurance. So let's call the current model the old model and sign off on the new model." Sam invites her to sit down.

Josh talks to Russ Angler about extraditing the adolescent teacher-killer. They're walking through the halls, down a stairway. Russ says that the kid's being held at San Vitale in Rome. Josh asks whether Russ has ever seen anything like this before. Russ points out that because the kid's a minor, it's uncharted territory. He adds that unless the eligibility papers meet all the treaty obligations, they're going to have to release the kid, and not into anyone's custody. They'll just release him. That doesn't sit well with Josh. Russ explains, "It's a provisional arrest. We don't have the paperwork right, the Foreign Minister's going to review and decline extradition. They have no grounds to hold him." He didn't break any Italian laws. Josh asks, "They're going to give him a Eurail pass and a backpack?" Russ says that the Governor has to guarantee that he's not going to seek the death penalty. Josh replies, "First of all, it's not up to the Governor. It's up to the DeKalb DA. And second of all, this is Georgia." Russ: "Then we're not getting the kid back. 'Extradition shall be refused unless the requesting party provides such assurances as the requested party considers sufficient that the death penalty shall not be imposed.' I didn't write the U.S./Italian extradition treaty." Josh comments, "This kid shoots his teacher in the head and gets life in Venice, we're all going to look like idiots. I gotta put this out before it's in the papers. What do I do now?" Russ suggests that Josh speak to the Charge d'Affaires at the Italian Embassy. Josh asks Russ to set it up today, and thanks him.