In Excelsis Deo

Previously on The West Wing, C.J. got a blah blah blah fish.

According to the title card, it's December 23rd, 7:30 AM. Mandy "Toepick" Hampton tells C.J. where the carolers, tree, and Prez will go. The carolers will wear both Dickensian costumes and Santa hats. One assumes that the Prez will not. They stroll by Toby, who, as he flips through the paper, asks why he's there. C.J. says, "So you can weigh in on this." Toby says, "I could care less," but at Mandy's pouting, amends his statement: "More?" Sam enters, and they all chat about such topics as who will play Santa (Al Roker) and what the Prez will speak about ("pageant of hope, season of peace, coming of the new millennium," according to Sam). "The new millennium?" asks Toby. When Sam confirms this, Toby says, "Fine," in a way that indicates it isn't. Mandy dismisses the Bickersons, and Toby, C.J., and Sam head down the hall, arguing about whether it is or is not a new millennium. Sam claims that Stephen Jay Gould has described this as "a largely unresolvable issue." Toby responds, "Tough to resolve, yes. You have to look at a calendar." Donna pops up and tells Toby he has a phone call. Toby says, "I'm arguing now; call back," but Donna says it's the DC police calling. Toby goes to answer the phone. C.J. asks Sam, "So technically, the millennium is still a year away?" Sam concedes the point, adding, "But we've made all these plans." As C.J. passes a secret service guy, she asks him to tell "them" she's on her way to see the Prez. The agent tells his shirt cuff, "Flamingo is on her way." C.J. overhears, and turns back demanding, "What did you call me?" but Sam pulls her out of the way so that we can see the credits.

People stroll past the Korean War Memorial, and we begin to suspect that this episode might not be laff riot. This theory is confirmed when we see police gathered around a dead man lying on a bench. Toby approaches and introduces himself to a detective, explaining that he'd gone to the coroner's office and was told to come here. The cop asks Toby if he knows the dead guy, and Toby says that he does not. The cop says that, according to the driver's license, the guy's name is Walter Hufnagle, but Toby doesn't recognize the name and asks why they called him. Apparently Walter had Toby's business card in his pocket. Toby figures it out, and tells the cop that Walter is wearing a coat Toby donated to Goodwill, and that his card must have been in the coat. The cop dismisses Toby, but Toby lingers to ask why the body hasn't been moved yet. The cop tells Toby that an ambulance will come eventually, and that "it's not a high priority." Toby asks if the cop will contact the Veterans' Administration. When the cop asks why, Toby points to the tattoo on Hufnagle's arm, and says it is for a Marine Battalion: "This guy was in Korea." The cop pulls a blanket over Hufnagle, thanks Toby, and wishes him a Merry Christmas.

Josh and Donna wander the halls. Donna provides Josh with a long list of ski-related gifts that he might like to give her. As soon as Donna's back is turned, Josh crumples up the list and throws it in the trash. ["That exchange, which went on a lot longer than the merciful Strega has reproduced here, reminded me of last Christmas, when I was the executive assistant to the Editor of a magazine and his Christmas gift to me was jack. I hold a grudge over that to this day." -- Wing Chun] , he visits Leo, who is busily signing cards. Josh says, "I'm tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop," with regard to Lillienfield's claims of rampant drug use in the White House. He offers to make a "preemptive strike," but Leo wants to know what exactly Josh has in mind. Josh indicates that he wants to talk to Sam's call girl friend, presumably to get the names of some Republicans who use her services. Leo, being ethical, forbids this, and Josh gives in a bit too quickly. Changing the subject, Leo asks if Josh has heard about some news from Minnesota: "A gay high school senior. He got beaten up. Then they stripped him naked, tied him to a tree, and threw rocks and bottles at his head. Know how old the assailants were? Thirteen." Josh asks if the kid died, and Leo says that he's in critical condition. Leo concludes that they'll need to reconsider Hate Crimes legislation after the holidays. Josh says they'll need to get a feeling for public opinion, and Leo says that C.J. will "send up a test balloon at her briefing." It seems to me that a poll might be a more effective way to determine the general feeling about an issue, but I'm no poli-sci major.

In the press room, C.J. says that the Prez will be heading to New Hampshire the day. A reporter asks, "Is the White House aware that a high school student was attacked?" which is a stunningly vague question. Luckily, C.J. knows what the reporter means, and indicates that the boy's name is Lowell Lydell, he's seventeen, and his injuries include a fractured skull and internal hemorrhaging. C.J. is asked if this attack will re-open talks on Hate Crimes laws. She says that she believes so, although "the best time to do that would have been the day before Lowell Lydell got his brains beaten out, and not the day after."

Toby is on the phone, saying "I don't know" repeatedly before he is put on hold. He seems tense. Mandy raps at his door and asks if he's busy. Toby tells her about the dead vet, adding, "I don't know if his family's been contacted, I don't know what kind of burial --" Mandy, no doubt sensing a PR coup, asks, "How do you know him?" When Toby says that he doesn't, Mandy asks, "What does it matter to you?" as if she's amused by Toby's display of human compassion. Suddenly, Lenny Briscoe bursts in to arrest Mandy for impersonating a human being (all tm Blackfriar). Toby asks what Mandy wants, and she says that although it might seem trivial, the carolers' Santa hats clash with their Dickensian costumes. Toby stares, and asks, "It might seem trivial?" Mandy brightly offers that she's just keeping Toby in the loop. Toby returns to his phone call and tells Mandy, "Go away." I second that.

Donna confronts Josh, this time asking "What's going on with Leo?" Josh closes the door. Donna indicates that she's talked to Margaret, Leo's assistant. Josh says "The two of you shouldn't be --" and Donna cuts him off to say, "Yeah, but we did," before we can determine what they shouldn't be doing. Donna asks, "Is it true?" When Josh says that it is, she asks what Josh is going to do. Josh says that he can't really do anything, and that they're all going to wait and see what happens. Donna stares at him until Josh asks, "Could you stop looking at me with that face like I just killed your hamster?" Donna says, "If one of us was in trouble, he would be the first person --" "I know!" says Josh, although I don't remember Leo doing much when Josh was in danger of losing his job. They both pause, and then Donna says she wasn't trying to make Josh feel guilty. I'm curious about the tally marks on the chalkboard in Josh's office. I'm also curious about why he has a chalkboard instead of a whiteboard with markers. And finally, I'm curious about what is showing on the small television set behind Donna: I'm guessing it's a soap opera, but near the end of the scene it suddenly displays what looks like a model carousel spinning. While I wonder about all these things, Donna leaves.

C.J. is shepherding a bunch of children around as she reminds them to announce their name and grade before asking the Prez a question. C.J. cues the Secret Service agent, then the kids, and as the Prez enters, the kids shout, "Good morning, Mister President!" The Prez makes them say it again, louder, and then asks, "Now who are all these people making a ruckus and tracking up my floor?" Assorted child-related wackiness. The Prez reminds them that "I'm busy man. I am, after all, the President of Bulgaria!" "No!" shout the kids. He corrects himself, saying that he's the President of Luxembourg. The children eventually get him straightened out as to his title, and a little blonde moppet asks what his favorite part of being the President is. "I'm doing it right now," he answers, and kisses her on the forehead. The children dutifully note that avoiding direct questions is his favorite part, and learn a little something about politicians. C.J. whispers in the Prez's ear, causing him to announce, "Apparently there's a group of kids in the other room that I might like better," and exits as the children complain. Ha! In the other room, Charlie tells the Prez that Lowell Lydell died a few minutes ago. Everyone pauses, and the Prez says that he'll call Lowell's parents in a few hours. The Prez steps back out and prepares to answer more questions from the children. He announces, "When you address me, please bear in mind that you are speaking to his Royal Majesty, the King of all England." More shouts from the kids. I bet the reporters who have to cover this kind of thing hope that Santa is bringing them a speedy death for Christmas.

Laurie, fresh from the shower, answers a knock at the door to discover Sam and Josh holding a two-for-one coupon from the City Paper. Okay, no, but wouldn't that be funny? Sam introduces Josh to Laurie. Laurie invites them in, and mentions that she only has a few minutes. Sam explains, "A guy we work with is in some trouble. We believe a Congressman is about to expose something about his past that's going to be damaging to him. And, doing what you do, in the universe in which you do it, we thought maybe you could --" Before Sam can get even more vague, Laurie finishes for him, "I could give you the name of an influential Republican who likes kinky sex, so you could scare Lillienfield into shutting up?" Sam points out that he never said it was Lillienfield. Laurie asks if it's Lillienfield. Sam says that it is. Laurie asks if this is a joke. Sam says it's for real. Laurie says, "Then get out, and we'll pretend this never happened." Josh finally speaks up to ask if he's met Laurie before. Sam tells Josh that Laurie came to the State Dinner with Carl Everett. Laurie points out that Everett raised about five million dollars for the President's campaign, asking, "Did you think only Republicans paid for sex?" She snaps, "I can't believe you. Did you get this out of a book?" Josh says that it was his idea, leading Laurie to ask if Josh is the brains of the outfit. Josh says that he is, which I think Sam's going to resent, not that it isn't true. Josh continues, "A man has left himself open to the kind of attack from which men in my business do not recover. Now, if our tactics seem less than civilized, it's because so are our attackers! In any event, I don't feel like standing here taking a Civics lesson from a hooker!" Whoa! "Josh!" Sam says warningly, to no avail. Josh continues, "We don't need your co-operation, Laurie. One of your guys wrote you a check, and the IRS works for me!" As Josh gives in to the dark side of the force, Laurie again asks him to get out, but he persists. "Just give me a name! What do you want, money? I'll give you money!" Laurie says, "Fine, I'll give you a name, and then I'll hop back into the shower, and you can leave the money on the nightstand, how about that?" Sam desperately tries to make his friends play nice, and suggests, "I don't think he meant that." "Yes he did!" shouts Laurie. Josh says, "No, I didn't," and sighs. He looks at Laurie and says, "I apologize. That was...very rude." Sam explains to Laurie that they're trying to help someone who means a lot to them. I'm with Laurie until she says, "You're the good guys. You should act like it," as if she's twelve years old and has never before encountered moral ambiguity.

C.J. continues debating Hate Crimes with Leo. She says, "It's not enough to say we're protecting people's civil rights, we have to actually do it. Plus, it has the added benefit of being good politics." Leo says, "Now I'm listening." C.J. suggests they discuss the issue after the break, and Leo agrees. Josh and Sam enter, asking "You wanted to see us?" Leo says that he did, and C.J. asks if she should leave. "As quickly as possible," suggests Leo. C.J. skedaddles. Leo asks the Hardy Boys if they did "exactly what I asked you not to do. You saw Sam's friend." Sam asks how Leo knows that. "I had you tailed," explains Leo. Sam asks why, and Leo says, "On the off chance that you're as stupid as you look!" Hee! Josh confesses that it was his idea, and Sam says that Laurie didn't tell them anything. "I should hope not," says Leo, and tells them to apologize to Laurie. Sam says that they did, but Leo says they should do it again. Josh offers that they meant well, and Leo responds, "Is that supposed to mean something to me?" "No," says Josh. "It does," says Leo, who as near as I can tell is just trying to confuse them to death at this point. Leo tells them to get back to work, causing Sam to say, "It's Christmas Eve!" "The country isn't open on Christmas Eve?" asks Leo. Sam concedes the point and leaves before Leo's mood swing hits. Josh hesitates, and tells Leo, "It's going to get bad before it gets better." Leo says that he knows. Josh adds, "I'm here [on] Christmas," and leaves.

C.J. gives a quick briefing the morning before dismissing the press corps, wishing them a Merry Christmas. She walks down the aisle past Danny, and calls to him by saying, "Hey, fish-boy!" I hope she keeps calling him that. Danny follows C.J. , who says that she's going to ask him a question and there's a lot riding on his answer. Danny asks what exactly is riding on it, and C.J. says, "A date with me." Noooooo! C.J. 's question is, "Don't you think that imposing additional penalties for hate-motivated crimes is a powerful statement by society against intolerance?" Danny immediately responds, "No. A crime is a crime. One murder isn't any better or worse than another." C.J. looks away and says, "That's the wrong answer." Danny says, "Punishing people for their beliefs is the beginning of the end. What's more, you agree with me." C.J. says that she doesn't, so I guess Danny's psychic powers are failing him. Then C.J. ruins everything by adding, "Take me out tonight and convince me." Danny asks C.J. to repeat that, and C.J. says "You heard me." Danny says that he didn't, and that "I was distracted by a thing," which I'll admit was slightly funny. C.J. says she's not going to say it again, whereupon Danny says, "Then I'm going to assume you asked me out," and walks away. C.J. goes after him, saying, "I didn't ask you out, you asked me out about forth-nine times, and I'm saying yes to one of them." C.J. further clarifies that they're having dinner, not "a fling," and that "This is a business dinner -- in fact, bring your notebook." Danny agrees. C.J. says, "My secret service name is Flamingo. I have to feed my fish," demonstrating her mastery of the non sequitur.

A dazed Danny walks past Josh, who watches as Donna opens her Christmas present. It turns out to be a book, Heinrich Breckengruber on The Art and Artistry of Alpine Skiing. Josh mentions that he wrote a note inside, and Donna opens the book to read it. Her brow wrinkles up and she puts one hand to her mouth, and Josh says, "Don't get emotional. Donna, don't get...you know, try and maintain some sort of..." Donna stands up and, near tears, says, "You spend most of your time being...you know, you, and then you write something like this to me." Donna gives Josh a big hug and says, "Thank you." Josh whispers, "I meant it." Donna responds, "Skis would have killed you?" As the hug ends, Josh grimaces and says, "Yeah." Josh exits, then leans back so he can watch as Donna rereads his note to her.

A crowd applauds as the Prez meets and greets people. Toby enters, and Mrs. L. tells Toby that the Prez wants to see him. She asks, "Did you use his name to arrange for a military funeral for a homeless veteran?" Toby admits that he did. Mrs. L. says, "You shouldn't have done that, Toby." Toby says that he knows, but Mrs. L. repeats that he shouldn't have, and tells Toby that the Prez is in the Mural Room. As a children's choir sings "The Little Drummer Boy," Mandy is still going on about the Prez's shopping excursion. "Deal with it," he suggests, and then walks to the Oval Office with Toby behind him. The Prez says, "Apparently I've arranged for an honor guard for somebody." Toby starts to apologize, but the Prez says, "Tell me, is there anything else I've arranged for? We're still in NATO, right?" "Yes, sir," says Toby. The Prez asks what's going on. Toby says, "A homeless man died last night." Actually it was two nights ago at this point, right? Toby continues, "A Korean War veteran who was wearing a coat I gave to the Goodwill. It had my card in it. It took an hour and twenty minutes for the ambulance to get there. A Lance Corporal, United States Marine Corps, Second of the Seventh." According to the captions, Toby's line is, "I got better treatment in Panmunjun," providing a little revelation for us all to speculate about. The Prez says, "If we start pulling strings like this, you don't think every homeless veteran will come out of the woodwork?" Toby stares at him and calmly says, "I can only hope, sir." Game, set, and match to Toby. The Prez asks when the funeral is, and Toby says he's about to pick up the dead man's brother and go there. Mandy pokes her sharp little nose in to tell the Prez that his absence is being noted. The Prez pats Toby on the shoulder and leaves. As Toby starts out the door, Mrs. L. appears in her hat and coat, and asks if she can come along.

While "The Little Drummer Boy" continues, we see the funeral take place at Arlington National Cemetery. As the honor guard carry the casket, George, Toby, Mrs. L, and another man watch. I think the other man might be Mr. Landingham. Back at the White House, the rest of the cast lines up neatly so we can admire their profiles. The twenty-one gun salute is timed perfectly with the pa-rum-pa-pum-pums. The flag is folded into a tight triangle and presented first to Toby, who corrects them, and then to George. George places a small bouquet on the casket. I sniffle. The show ends.