Enemies

First of all: Props to my late mother, who tried to make me take shorthand in high school (yes, it was still offered then); with my hand curling up into a hideously deformed claw as I wrote this recap, I couldn't stop thinking of her admonitions. Mom, for the record: you were right; I should have learned it.

Previously on The West Wing: The Veep disses C.J., Leo tells the Veep to consider C.J.'s words a directive from Leo's office, whereupon the Veep wants to know where Leo gets the authority, Mallory asks about Sam and Josh tells her Sam doesn't need her booty call to add to his list of problems, C.J. wants to know what Danny's flirting means, and Leo tells the Prez Jenny's finally kicked his butt to the curb.

The title card tells us it's 1:30 AM. In the Oval Office, we see Josh and the Prez in shirtsleeves, obviously having had a long evening of work. POTUS is as indefatigable as usual, blathering on about state parks. Josh protests that it's late and wonders if they're through with work. Prez says yes, but insists that this is the fun part, "the part where I get you to sit down and teach you a little something." Josh tries, "You're not tired?" and "Maybe if you got into bed..." POTUS announces that he's a national parks buff, as if Josh and all the rest of us had not clued to that by now, and bets that Josh didn't know that. Josh offers that he didn't but that he's not surprised. The Prez wants to know why he isn't surprised, and Josh replies evenly, "You're quite a nerd, Mr. President." POTUS doesn't look too hurt or nonplussed. He begins rambling on again about the Everglades and mentions that there are fifty-four national parks, whereupon Josh pleads, "Please tell me you haven't been to all of them." Which, naturally, the President has, and he starts listing them off. While Mr. President is making like a talking encyclopedia, Josh reminds him that he needs to go home so that he can be back at work in four hours (really? The Deputy Chief of Staff has to be at work at 5:30 AM on a normal workday?), and that he can't leave until the President gives him permission. Meanwhile the President has landed on the idea of taking his staff on a "field trip to Shenandoah National Park, right here in Virginia! I can even act as the guide!" leading me to wonder if the Commander-in-Chief wouldn't rather be teaching eighth grade at PS 102. ["Most people who live in D.C. do not consider themselves to be 'right here in Virginia.'" -- Strega] As POTUS leaps up, presumably to make a note of this brilliant idea in his agenda book, Josh mutters that it would be "as good a place as any to dump your body" -- then wonders, rather disingenuously, whether he actually said that out loud. The President appears to have figured out what Josh said and launches into a lecture about Yosemite as Josh's punishment. (May I just note that, while the type and degree of good-natured snarkiness that dominates this show makes for entertaining television, I find it fairly unconvincing that the President's White House staff would generally speak to him this way, no matter how folksy and affable the President. Whatever.)

Roll credits.

Rice Krispie bar paces at the hospital; Canada Post flogs millennium crap; toddler steals Mom's Visa card; Dristan blasts off; Mulder's mother hawks Centrum vitamins (am I supposed to take this woman, this tool of The Syndicate, seriously? Now I suspect that Centrum vitamins might be vehicles of biochemical weaponry); husband appeases wife on Sears commercial with cheesy pendant (not); and then another tiresome ad for another feeble Canadian attempt at American-style drama (Power Play).

In the first scene, Leo and Mallory are at a swell place for breakfast. The waiter places the bill at Leo's elbow. Mallory wants to pay the bill, which Leo scoffs at, but she insists, since she offered to take him out for breakfast. Leo finally asks the waiter the price of a cup of coffee in that establishment. The waiter replies, "Six dollars and fifty cents, sir." Leo asks Mallory if she still wants to pay; Mallory, naturally, demurs. (I find it hard to believe that Mallory wouldn't have a clue how expensive the place was, not to mention think that she could afford it on her schoolteacher's salary.) ["I do feel her pain, though, at wanting -- for once -- to treat her parent to a meal. Every time I go out with my dad, we get into fisticuffs over the bill, and shrieking, 'I HAVE A GOOD JOB!' in the middle of a restaurant is not a good way to end an evening." -- Wing Chun] Leo starts to ask Mallory about her mother as Congressman Skinner happens by and congratulates Leo on the banking bill. He breezes away and then Mallory also offers her congratulations. Leo tries again to get information about Jenny. Mallory does not intend to be a go-between and tells her father that he could call her mother. He lobs back that he could also just ask Mallory. But she is not playing the game and Leo finally gets the message. He moves on to the issue of their season opera tickets; tonight is one of their subscription nights and he wants Mallory to take the tickets. Mallory and Leo hash out some more stuff about his having to deal with Jenny, and then, annoyed, Leo comes at her: "Why can't you say 'congratulations'?" Mallory's puzzled: "On the banking bill?" Leo confirms that he was referring to the banking bill, and Mallory says, "I just did!" Leo accuses her of smirking, or rolling her eyes, or doing that with her voice. (Upon rewinding the tape, Leo, I must say in Mallory's defence that she showed nothing other than bland indifference.) Mallory tells him he's gone around the bend but agrees to take the tickets and to walk him back to his office.

In the scene, C.J. is clarifying with Mrs. Landingham that Josh and the President were really up until 2 AM talking about national parks. Mrs. L gently wisecracks, "I'd imagine the President was doing the lion's share of the talking." At this point Jed bursts out of his office brandishing the newspaper and announces, "We've beat the banking lobby!" C.J.'s a little doubtful, and wants to know if he's sure the bill will pass. He's sure. C.J. then asks him if he and Josh were really up until 2 AM talking about national parks, which the President takes as a cue for a new lecture on the same subject. Luckily for C.J., Mrs. L is sitting there and riding herd on the Prez about a caller that's on hold for him. POTUS starts back into his office while reminding C.J. to "be talking about" the banking bill today. He suddenly remembers more national park factoids he wants to share and starts spewing them to C.J., but Mrs. L. reminds him of his caller. Mrs. L shoots C.J. a fond, indulgent smile as the Prez charges back into his office. (Note: The President really is a nerd, but he's just the sort of genuinely-enthusiastic-if-a-bit-pedantic sort of nerd I go for in a big way, so I like him.)

it's over to the Veep (who really is very Dan Quayle-esque, very news anchor-y, which of course makes me dislike him). He welcomes everyone to "our third Cabinet meeting, our first in six months" and then goes into a brief fishcakes speech about unique opportunities and ideas and discussions. He announces that their first priority should be to find a way to work with Congress. Just then the President walks in, gives his Cabinet some good-natured grief about themselves, and tells them all to sit down because they're "freaking [him] out." (I don't believe for one minute that any U.S. President would use this phrase in that way, but whatever.) POTUS then ambles over to the secretary and asks her if she's taking minutes. Um, obviously she's not a Cabinet member or you would recognize her; what the hell else would she be doing? I realize he's trying to friendly and have the common touch and all, but this struck me as a tad disingenuous. That's nothing, however, compared to the fact that he proceeds to introduce himself: "I'm Josiah Bartlet, President of the United States." As if she wouldn't know. It's patronizing. I suppose it's meant to show humility, but it comes off arrogant anyway. He asks Mildred the secretary for a recap. Jed takes the opportunity to interject his own brightly sarcastic remarks. When she gets to the part about working with Congress the Prez wants to know who said that. He then buttonholes the Veep: "Don't you think our first goal should be finding a way to best serve the American people?" (Could anyone get to the office of POTUS and be this happily idealistic even in the relative privacy of a Cabinet meeting?) When the Veep tries to backpedal, Jed puts on his glasses to peer at the record for himself. (Um, snerk...I like Jed, and his alter ego Marty, but if there has been a U.S. President in my lifetime who can read shorthand, I will eat my Betty Boop baseball cap.) Anyway, Jed proceeds to prove that the Veep did in fact say what Mildred read, and the President finally decides that the meeting can move on. Thank God. This must be why they only have these meetings every six months.

We then see Toby and Sam standing in one of the incredibly sun-dappled offices these staffers all enjoy. (An aside: while I am nowhere near as enamoured of Rob Lowe as Sugar Larry apparently is, I find him much more tolerable in this show than he's been anywhere else I've seen him. ["Even Atomic Train?" -- Wing Chun]) They are dithering over a document (a speech, presumably) with which neither of them is satisfied. They go back and forth until Josh drops by to find out whether they've heard anything about the banking bill. Josh doesn't know what, he just claims to be "hearing some stuff." Toby and Sam haven't heard anything and appear unconcerned, although I wonder why when Josh asks Toby, "I shouldn't be nervous?" that Toby gives a unreassuringly shifty look when he says no. Josh leaves, not seeming entirely convinced. Toby and Josh go back to fretting over the document and decide to seek assistance. Toby asks, "Somewhere in this building...is there a talent?" Sam confidently says "Yes," and you just know the scene will be...

C.J.! She's standing over her computer when that irritating Elliott, I mean Danny, appears at her door to try to roust the story about the President "roughing up" the VP in front of the Cabinet. C.J. wants to know where he heard about it and he tells her that if she's got fifty cents she can read it in his newspaper, and in the same breath asks her to dinner. (Note to writers: I appreciate a half-decent try at Howard Hawksian romantic banter between adversaries as much as anyone, but please...leave Danny out of it. Here's a thought: CJ and Toby. Yes. Go with that. ["Word." -- Wing Chun]) C.J. denies the story on the record, but off the record admits, "What else is new?" Danny returns to his date-getting agenda and begins to badger her with his various dating attributes: good-looking (matter of opinion, Danny boy), likes food, lively conversationalist, good at kayaking...at which point C.J. bursts out "I can't!" and Danny thinks she means kayaking, so he says, "I can teach you." C.J. finally spells it out for the clueless: "No, you idiot, I can't have dinner with you." I have trouble understanding why any member of the Washington media would not understand the conflict of interest it presents for both of them, but whatever. Danny says okay and wanders off.

We encounter VP Hoynes holding to a cluster of media types regarding an Internet hoax, which involved a couple of guys posting false information about a little start-up company no one ever heard of, which resulted in the stock closing out as the twelfth-highest trade issue on the NASDAQ index for that day, despite that fact that the hoax was exposed and market corrections made. Hoynes announces: "This just in: the Internet is not a fad." Personally, I simply don't know what to make of this startling information. ["Apparently the VP is campaigning to be Captain Obvious." -- Strega] As the Veep leaves this mini-briefing, Danny chases after him to ask about the cabinet ruckus. Naturally Hoynes denies everything but Danny (surprise) persists which prompts the VP to mention that he's had this recurring dream about killing Danny. Of course he says it in a slightly jocular way but for that moment I liked Hoynes a bit better, since I think I'll be having that dream too. Danny continues to buttonhole Hoynes and Hoynes continues to firmly deny until Danny finally lets it go and the Veep breezes off.

Cut to C.J. asking Sam about the rumour about the Cabinet ruckus. Sam wants to know if someone's talking. As they're doing the walking and talking thing they happen upon Mallory who's been standing there waiting for Sam (and wearing a pretty fab coat that no one on the average schoolteacher's salary could probably afford, but I digress...I guess Mallory still gets an allowance). C.J. takes off and Mallory and Sam go to his office. She broaches the subject of the Beijing opera tickets with Sam, who is clearly about as thrilled at the prospect of a night at the opera as I am at hearing "Achy-Breaky Heart" one more time. Sam tries to clarify: "You're asking me out on a date." There's a bit of back-and-forth on this but Mallory finally spells out in big shiny letters why it's not a date: "There will be, under no circumstances, sex for you at the end of the evening." Thoroughly apprised of the situation, Sam replies, "Well, uh, like most people, I am an absolute nut for Chinese opera, the Chinese being known the world over for their soaring and romantic melodies [way to dis the Chinese, Sam] and what with your guarantee that there won't be sex, I don't see how I could say no." Mallory says she'll come by at 7:30 for him. Sam, however, feels the need to point out to her, as she leaves, that if she hadn't come along with her offer of Chinese opera and no sex, all he would be doing is watching Monday Night Football, "so this works out great for me." Mallory is undeterred.

Commercials: Lactaid Ultra will allow you to eat Mt. St. Helen-sized mounds of ice cream (do they make a pill for the clogged arteries, though?); toothy animated character loves his toothbrush; hunky guy in field with giant toy airplane is having a regressive episode in the most pretentious cereal commercial I think I've ever seen; cute messy kids are no barrier to driving a sporty Alero; aged jocks banter about McD's Gretzky promotion (note to Gretzky: please GO AWAY. You are more annoying now than ever); ad for local news program.

Back at the White House, C.J. and Sam wait for Leo in his office. C.J. is chomping gum, which Allison Janney manages to carry off in a way that is completely non-annoying. Leo comes in and is straight to the point: "What do you need?" C.J. goes first and mentions the Cabinet meeting problem. Leo claims it's nothing but C.J. wants to know, if it's nothing, why is Danny Concannon bugging her about it? Leo wants to know who talked; Sam insists it was the VP. Leo seems annoyed but unsurprised.

C.J.: What do you want me to do about it?
Leo: Deal with it.
C.J.: You're a real details man, aren't you Leo?
Leo: Deal with it.

C.J. knows when to take her leave. Sam, thinking there might be a better time to discuss his problem, tries to leave and come back later. Leo presses him and Sam spills about Mallory and the opera. Leo's absorbed in his papers and at first says, "Mallory who?" (I know this is supposed to come as a surprise to Leo but doesn't any parent think of their own child first when his or her name is said? Whatever.) The look on his face is that of someone suspects they've just found what appears to be a boll weevil in their egg salad. As Leo slowly grasps the situation, Sam becomes more nervous and tries to make things better by telling him that Mallory has already made it clear that nothing will be happening that Leo wouldn't be happy about. Leo wonders what that is but both quickly agree not to go there. Leo seems somewhat mollified and tells Sam it's fine. After Sam's left, Leo kind of pauses, shrugs and mutters to himself "Fine." As in, he's fine with it. But you're not really, are you Leo?

Cut to the Veep holding court again with a small cluster of people (not sure if they are media types; not much sign of mikes or notebooks). This time he's blathering on about how somebody named Dick Brenner says they (the United States) can send a man to Mars in a Saturn V rocket with a nitrogen-hydrogen payload. For twenty-five billion dollars, mind you, which Hoynes describes as a "steal at twice the price." Personally, I can think of better things to spend fifty billion dollars on than blasting a guy to Mars and back (koff healthcare koff education koff) but whatever. ["I'd pay that much to blast a few guys I could name into deep space." -- Strega] Anyway, apparently the idea is, send the rocket up to Mars with a liquid hydrogen payload. One guy in the Veep's audience wants to know where the nitrogen comes from to get the guy back. VPOTUS confidently asserts that Mars is made of nitrogen so the first thing they do is "build a gas station." This sounded spurious to me, but I confess to having dropped science courses in high school at the first opportunity. I decided to fact-check this with my science-loving, space-exploration-obsessed husband, who was only too thrilled to look up this information in his big, shiny, expensive reference books. Mars's atmosphere is, in fact, not made of nitrogen. It is 90% carbon dioxide, with small amounts of nitrogen and argon, and traces of carbon monoxide, oxygen and water vapour. The reason I bothered to check this is because I was trying to determine whether the writers are establishing Hoynes as an Al Gore-style egghead, or a Dan Quayle-style pinhead. So far, my vote's on "pinhead." He ends this little briefing and charges off, only to be ambushed by C.J. He immediately informs her that he isn't the one who blabbed to Danny and he doesn't know who did. He issues a classic political denial: "Nothing happened at the Cabinet meeting and I have no idea how Danny found out about it." Hee. C.J. just wants to keep it from becoming a story, but the Veep tells her that the implication that he leaked privileged information is as "stupid as it is insulting" ('cause, God knows, you'd be the first VPOTUS to do something stupid), and reminds her that whatever she thinks of him personally, that she is addressing the office of the Vice-President of the United States. He's probably right, but I like C.J., so a big sloppy raspberry to Hoynes.

Cut to Toby collecting Sam so that they can get going on a statement regarding the passage of the banking bill, which Toby says is a sure thing. Just then Josh comes by to burst their bubble with the news that Broderick and Eaton have attached a controversial land-use rider to "strip-mine the length and breadth of Montana." Sam thinks for a nanosecond and announces, "We don't care," "we" meaning the White House. Josh takes exception to this and Sam says, "We don't care today." Josh begins to argue and Sam wants to know, "Since when are you outdoorsy?" Josh tells him it's not about the environment, it's about retribution. They all agree they need to see the Prez and off they trudge.

Cut to C.J. giving a statement to the press about the banking bill, and the White House's optimistic position that it will pass. One reporter questions whether the White House is concerned about the attachment of the land-use rider. Obviously blindsided, C.J. remains fairly poised and says it's being worked out and she will go into more detail later. The reporter wants her to go into detail now but she firmly dismisses him and ends the briefing. C.J. goes looking for Toby but naturally Danny is hot on her heels. He gives her some smarm about the rider surprise, and she points out that he's in a restricted area. He jovially gets the assent of everyone in the room for being there (note to C.J.: time for some butt-kicking performance appraisals) and keeps following her and pestering her. C.J.: "First of all, you're wrong. Second of all, shut up. Third, I went to Hoynes with your thing and he said he wasn't the one who talked to you and I believe him and he's really pissed at me and he's right, and fourth, shut up again." Yes! Danny admits it wasn't Hoynes and launches into more of his dating attributes. She dismisses him and takes off in the direction of Toby's office.

we see Leo apprising the Prez about the land-use rider as they walk toward the President's office. Jed has a fit when he finds out that Eaton and Broderick are the culprits. Toby's waiting in the office with several other staffers and tells Jed that it's retaliation for having won the campaign. Jed can't believe they want to strip-mine Big Sky, and Sam tells him to swallow it. Josh starts bickering with Sam until the President redirects their attention to him. Sam advises not sacrificing the banking bill in order to get into an "intramural spitball game over a couple of rocks that are uninhabitable eight months out of the year anyway." Josh says that what Sam means is that politically, they don't need the environmental lobby. Everyone continues to argue and Sam sarcastically points out that it's particularly important to carry Montana and its three electoral votes in the election. Toby asks for a few hours to work on the problem, which POTUS grants, and they sit down for their meeting.

Cut to an incredibly pastoral sunset shot of Washington. The President walks into Leo's office, where Leo is lying on his couch reading a document. Jed seems to be at loose ends. He's not ready to go home since Abby (the First Lady) is away. He asks about Leo's breakfast with Mallory. The Prez tries to explains why Mallory being pissed is justified, since despite the demands of Leo's job, Mallory had a right to expect her father to keep her mother happy, not make her cry. In his inimitable way, Leo responds, "You really threw some sunshine down on that one. Thank you sir." Jed says he'll be right door all night. Looks like Leo will too.

Commercials: boring car ad: Hallmark schmaltz; commercial for the new Maytag Gemini oven that I am coveting; another ridiculous car ad; commercial for Cold Squad (Canada's X-Files).

Back at Josh's office, Donna, who should probably know that Josh doesn't want to see Mandy, delivers him to Mandy on a platter anyway. Mandy strides in her with slightly odd walk (which, I've realized, reminds me ever-so-slightly of Cathy Walsh's Babe Bennett character on This Hour Has 22 Minutes). Naturally she's there to hassle Josh about the possibility of the banking bill being vetoed if they can't get rid of the land-use rider. Mandy thinks this is stupid and asserts that Josh doesn't care about Big Sky. He admits he doesn't give a damn about it but he doesn't care to send the signal that Republicans can slap them around any time they want. Mandy responds that she thinks it's about the fact that when Josh is combative it "juices up" the President and he knows it. Josh doesn't really have a comeback for that and says he'll keep it in mind. Mandy says he won't, because he never does. Just then Donna calls Josh to a meeting and obviously relieved, he's outta there. Mandy calls after him, "I'm not done with you." Yeah, we bet.

Cut to Leo's office: Charlie approaches. "Mr. McGarry?" Leo tells him to please call him Leo and Charlie agrees to try. He wants to ask Leo about a birthday message that is needed for the deputy transportation secretary's fiftieth birthday. Apparently the President usually sends letters for such occasions. Leo tells him to give it to the communications department. As Charlie is leaving, Leo reconsiders and tells him to give it to Sam. Ruh-roh! Charlie runs into Sam in the hallway who begins blathering away about having gone to the gym (though why he'd need to with the constant walking everyone does on this show is beyond me), showered, shaved and shined his shoes. Sam announces that he expects the opera to be excruciating. Charlie is finally able to get a word in edgewise and hands him the birthday card assignment. Sam's incredulous, naturally, but decides he can manage this before Mallory shows up; he barks a bit at his staff, and disappears into his office. It's 7:10 PM.

Toby's head is propped up on his chin, eyeballs glued to the laptop screen. Mandy the pest (psst! Mandy...over here...you should hook up with Danny) ["I thought the same thing!" -- Strega] wants to know if Toby's listening to her. Toby tells her he's not the one to talk to about the banking bill anymore. C.J. appears at the door and asks what's going on. Mandy asks C.J. to tell Toby that they shouldn't veto the bill, except Mandy says it in such an irritatingly snooty and sarcastic way that I will spare you all the pain of quoting her exactly. C.J. takes a stab at it: "Toby, Mandy wants you to recommend to the President that we do it her way." Toby asks C.J. if she understood what Mandy said, to which C.J. replies, "No, but she seemed pretty confident." Mandy wants to talk to Josh again; Toby tells her to talk to anyone she wants; he needs to work. Mandy hustles off muttering about how "you people are too ready to cut your noses off to spite your faces". C.J.'s right on her heels, asking for advice on how to get Danny to drop the Cabinet meeting story. Mandy suggests offering him a trade: "a half hour with the President." C.J. seems to think that will work. Mandy wants help with Josh and Toby but C.J. tells her there's no way she'll talk them out of trying to stop the passage of the bill with the rider; it's what they get geared up for. Mandy snorts, "You guys are idiots, did you know that?" C.J.'s reply: "In our own defence, we actually do know that."

Cut to the Oval Office: POTUS is reading the birthday message Sam has written, and approves. He's wondering if Sam's not a little overqualified for the task, but Sam claims he was happy to do it. The Prez suggests that since he's already on it, that they "really do a job" and give it the "Sam Seaborn quill" and instructs Sam to take his time with it and bring him back the draft. Naturally, on his way out, Sam runs into Mallory, who's wearing a tight dark red sheath, plenty of cleavage, and a navy evening coat, and way less scary makeup than Heather Locklear has on in the commercial in which she wears basically the same outfit. Sam is a little take aback and tells her she looks beautiful, and asks her to come to his office.

In the scene, Danny's clacking away at his keyboard. C.J. arrives and tells Danny she has trouble believing one of the Cabinet officers blabbed to him. He says that the Cabinet officers weren't the only ones in the room. C.J. stares at him as it dawns on her that he's talking about Mildred. "Oh, I'm gonna fire her." Danny says not to, because it's not nice. Okay....C.J. makes him her offer of a half-hour with the Prez on any subject or subjects. From the look on his face it's obviously a better offer than Danny was expecting but he can't resist toying with her by telling her it's not enough. C.J., probably dreading having to go on a date with him, wants to know what else; he says he wants her to sing a song. Yeah, he's joking but, buddy, can you not see this woman has had a long day? Way to endear yourself. He takes the deal, but as she's leaving warns her that if anyone gets fired over this he's going to write about why. C.J. concedes: "Understood."

Back in Sam's office, Mallory is, not surprisingly, upset. She's having a little trouble believing that, given Sam's considerable speech writing talents (the details of which she's alarmingly aware), it's really essential that he personally write this message. Mallory tells him that if he didn't want to go he should have just said so and if he started to "chicken out" he should have called. She walks out but Sam follows her to explain that this is something that just came up. She quite rightly counters that a fiftieth birthday is something you can pretty much see coming. He begs for a half-hour to do another draft, whereupon Mallory gets that same boll-weevil-in-the-egg-salad look her father does so well. She can't quite believe he has to do more than one draft of a birthday card. He promises that they'll get to the opera in time for the second act and that there'll be plenty of death and shrieking left. She reluctantly agrees to wait.

Commercials: marginally cute Radio Shack ad, guilt-inducing PSA for blood donation, stupid car ad, Law & Order preview, former roommate of mine uses his toast to prop up wobbly table so he can eat his Eggo waffles without consternation, preview ad for yet another Canadian drama (give it up already).

Back at the White House: in a conference room a meeting is breaking up. Toby is gathering up his things as Josh comes in to tell Toby that he thinks it was Toby's friend Crane who blindsided them with the rider, not Broderick and Eaton. Toby's unfazed by this. Josh can't understand why this doesn't seem to bother him, but Toby says that's not it, it's just that he feels like it's over and he doesn't care how it happened, he just wants to move on. Josh can't believe that Toby wants to tell the President to sign the bill. They argue a bit about how badly they got screwed; Josh insists he still has a few hours to work on the problem. Toby, dejected, tells Josh to suit himself as he walks out.

Cut to C.J. arriving at the President's office. She breaks the news about what she had to offer Danny to get him to drop the Cabinet meeting story. POTUS considers this for a moment and agrees. C.J. then tells him that she's pretty sure it wasn't Hoynes who talked. Jed insists, "Sure it was." She indicates that she's pretty sure it was the secretary. Jed looks up, genuinely surprised. "Mildred?" (I am somewhat surprised that he remembers her name, but that's just the kind of down-to-earth Commander-in-Chief we've got here, apparently.) He thinks about this for a bit and tells her to drop it.

Back in Sam's office, an exasperated Mallory is standing over Sam while he struggles to write the birthday message. They argue a little, at which point something dawns on her. Sam doesn't tell her, but she figures out that it wasn't the Prez who gave him this bogus assignment. He admits it was her father and she bombs off to confront Leo. Sam's so deep in his writer's block he doesn't seem to notice or care.

Leo's in his office dictating letters to Margaret when Mallory storms in and calls him an "addle-minded Machiavellian jerk." Um. This was the only really bad line in the whole episode; unlike the rest of the script it felt forced and unnatural. Things like this stick out like a sore thumb in a good script, but since it is a good script I'm gonna let it go. Margaret asks if she should step out and Leo agrees that she should. Mallory accuses him of deliberately giving Sam that "idiot assignment" and Leo readily admits to it. Leo tells her that while her mother has a genuine beef with him, given that he essentially widowed her when he took over the campaign, he doesn't think he's done anything to Mallory to deserve being treated badly by her. He emphasizes that working in the White House doesn't allow for any flexibility with regard to leisure time, as she discovered tonight, and he is "done being blamed by her for this." Personally, I figured he was just doing it to keep Sam out of his daughter's pants; if he was trying to develop Mallory's sympathy for himself by forcing Sam to do to her what Leo has done to her mother so many times, I can't see how that's a good plan. I guess I'll never make Chief of Staff. At about this point Jed wanders in and greets her, notices she's all dressed up, and calls for Margaret to bring him Leo's schedule for that day. Has he been eavesdropping or is he just exceptionally intuitive? While he's waiting on Leo's secretary, he mentions that Mallory looks a little glum, as if she had plans to go out with someone who had to cancel due to circumstances beyond his control. Mallory accuses him of being a co-conspirator. Margaret appears with the schedule and The Prez proceeds to somewhat sarcastically read of Leo's hefty list of accomplishments for that day, adding that it was a light day. Mallory wants to know (with due respect, of course) what point he's trying to make. Leo suggests that he'll take things from there. Jed tells them that he's right door. As he's leaving, he tells Mallory, "My point is, give your dad a break. He's your father." (Wonder if anyone said that to Chelsea Clinton?) Mallory says, "Thank you, sir." Jed comes back with a gentle, "Are you blowing me off?" (which, in this day and age, is a pretty ballsy line to stick in the President's mouth, to say nothing of the way in which I phrased this comment). She allows that she is and he exits. Mallory tells Leo that she's not blaming him; he counters that it sure feels like it. She proposes that they go catch the second act of the opera, but Leo, obviously no more a fan than Sam, pleads to do anything else. His daughter relents and suggests coffee and dessert, an offer Leo gratefully accepts. She wants to ask Sam to come along too, and Leo doesn't bother to hide his lack of excitement: "Yes -- by all means, let's ask Sam." Mallory admonishes him to be nice as they head off to where Sam's office.

Sam's balling up another piece of paper and pounding the desk with it as Mallory knocks. She tells him he's off the hook for the opera but that she and Leo want him to come for coffee. "Also, my father has something he wants to say to you." Leo's got the look of a man who wasn't warned he'd need a prostate exam and asks if this is really necessary. Mallory insists; Leo confesses: "Sam, I gave you the thing to do because I was pissed that you were taking, you know, blah blah blah." (Psst, Leo: the word you're looking for is fishcakes.) Mallory makes a sarcastic remark about the inadequacy of this apology and he says, "Anyway, I'm sorry about that." Sam says he figured as much but wants to skip the coffee because he wants to "nail this thing." Leo tells him fuggedaboudit (okay, he doesn't use that exact word), the first draft was fine, and Mallory adds that the Prez was in on it too. No go -- Sam's firm. What a dweeb. Mallory tells Sam he is "so exactly like him" (meaning her father) and Sam considers this while Leo looks vaguely stricken. ["Paging Doctor Freud!" -- Strega] Sam finally responds that that is nicest thing she's ever said to him; Leo's still in vaguely-stricken mode. They take off and Sam's back to his birthday message. ["Way to replicate the relationship patterns that led to your own parents' imminent divorce, Mallory." -- Wing Chun]

Cut to the President's office, where he's reading. Hoynes wants to come in and talk, to straighten out the fallout from the cabinet meeting to-do. Jed tells him that C.J.'s done all the damage control with Danny, but the Veep says he's referring to the stuff between the two of them. Hoynes says he was not Danny's source and that the President can believe that or not. Jed gives him a nod and says "okay." Hoynes makes to leave and as he's almost got his hand on the doorknob, Jed says, "John." Hoynes turns around and starts in: "What did I ever do to you? Where in our past, what did I do to make you treat me this way? What did I ever do to you, except deliver the South?" Potus is unmoved and tells him, "You shouldn't have made me beg, John. I was asking you to be the Vice-President." Hoynes points out (with due respect, of course) that Bartlet had just kicked his ass in a primary, and adds that he's fifteen years younger than POTUS, and had "his career to think of." Jed points out that Hoynes' reluctance weakened him right out of the gate, and says again, "You shouldn't have made me beg." Hoynes glares at him for a wee bit and then says he's glad C.J. straightened things out with Danny. The Veep says good night and leaves.

Meanwhile, in Josh's office Mandy is badgering him again as he races around looking for files and tries to ignore her. She's arguing that they've won, he insists it's a tie, she tells him when a tie is the best you can do you "depart the playing field and call it a win." Josh begs to differ, and tells Donna to call the President's office and let them know he'll have a solution for them very soon (though he admits he doesn't actually have one). Mandy promises she'll put the best face on things if they pass the bill as is. When Josh cracks that she could put the best face on a turnpike collision, she slams his door shut so that she can rip a strip off him. "You're fighting the wrong fights and you're doing it for the wrong reasons. That's all." Mandy marches off, probably to go torture Toby some more. Donna comes back and Josh complains that he needs the research faster, that it's taking too long. Donna tells him that they're doing the best they can but that some of the computer files are antiquated. For some reason this makes the big old lightbulb go off over Josh's head and he sits in his chair repeating, "They're antiquated...they're antiquated." Donna looks at him like maybe he needs his medication adjusted. He tells Donna to tell the Prez that Josh can see him at his convenience. He chucks a file in a file holder with the air of someone slam-dunking a ball and smiles smugly. I confess, I had no idea what his solution was from this scene.

Back at dweeb HQ, also known as Sam's office, Toby is now standing over him, backseat-writing the birthday message. They're squabbling over how to do it when Josh bursts in with, "Guess what? The Antiquities Act!" Suddenly he's got their full attention, and they're both impressed. Toby elucidates: "The President is empowered to designate any federal land to be a national park." Sam says, "Big Sky." Josh replies: "Done deal," and wants to know if they want to come along to tell POTUS. But now both Toby and Sam want to "nail" the birthday message. When Josh finds out what they're obsessively working on, he tells them, "The two of you need to put your heads down on your desks," and departs. Sam and Toby go back to bickering.

Cut to the President's office, where Jed's boring poor Charlie senseless with stories of how hikers in Glacier Park are told to sing on the trails to keep bears away. Charlie tells the Prez this sounds pretty silly. He tries to make his exit following the cue, "Was there anything else?" Jed informs him that "Glacier Park was the tenth. We have forty-four to go." Just then Josh rounds the corner into the office and says, "Forty-five". Charlie says, "I quit," and Josh gives him an amen on that. Jed lets Charlie go (run, Charlie, run for your life!) and asks Josh what he's got. Josh tells POTUS that he's going to establish Big Sky National Park. This gets a big laugh from the President, and he wants to know if Josh understands it's a bunch of rocks.

Josh: I'm sure someone with your encyclopedic knowledge of the ridiculous and the dork-like will be able to find a tree or a ferret that the public has a right to visit.
Jed [leaping to his feet]: More than a right, Josh. It's a treat.
Josh: Yes, sir.
Jed: You would enjoy nature.
Josh: I've tried nature, sir.

Josh helps him on with his jacket and POTUS tells him he did a good job. Jed walks out of his office into what looks like a narrow outdoor walkway. Josh follows him to add one thing: "We talk about enemies more than we used to." The President looks puzzled and says, "What?" Josh pauses and carefully, gently, repeats himself. He gives a little shrug and says, "I just wanted to mention it." ["'I don't want to talk about National Parks, I don't want to talk about enemies...' Josh is never happy." -- Strega] The President looks fairly grave for a moment and nods, with a resigned "Yeah." He turns and walks toward home, with rather less spring in his step.