That's one hell of a title, ain't it?
Previously on The West Wing: Leo shouldered the white man's burden, C.J. talked fast, Josh threatened some Congressmen, and Toby hated everyone.
It's nighttime, and the Prez and his staff are playing basketball out on Pennsylvania Avenue, surrounded by police cars and the Secret Service. I can't believe there's nowhere to play basketball on White House grounds. Ah well. Charlie and Josh urge the gasping Prez to take a break, "because people are bound to be pretty upset when they find out we killed the President." Toby points out that all the Prez has to do is "say 'Toby, you're the superior athlete,' and slink on off the court." Toby is wearing a CCNY sweatshirt, although when I first saw it I thought for a second it read "CCCP," which would have been pretty damn funny. Anyway, ol' Prez is adamant about playing, and Toby claims this is a perfect metaphor for his presidency: "Let the poets write that he had the tools for greatness, but the voices of his better angels were shouted down by his obsessive need to win." There's a little echo of Lincoln's "the better angels of our nature" there, which is nice. The Prez waves an arm and calls "Mister Grant!" No, not Lou. It's Rodney Grant, who I'm guessing sports fans would recognize, but I'm not one, so I don't. ["I didn't either. He was really tall." -- Wing Chun] The Prez introduces him as a new member on his team. Toby comments, "It isn't so much that you cheat; it's how brazenly bad you are at it." The Prez takes offense, so the staff reminds him that he played mixed doubles against Toby and C.J. with Steffi Graf as his partner. The Prez insists that his partner worked at the American Consulate, and just happened to resemble Steffi Graf. He goes on to point out that Rodney is a member of the President's Council on Physical Fitness, and tries to start the game back up. Toby is having none of this, and questions Rodney, who eventually confesses that he played for Duke. During this bit of conversation, the Prez is lurking behind Rodney so that it kind of looks like he's sniffing Rodney's armpit. The game starts back up, Toby is blocked from making a basket by Rodney, and then Toby says, "Charlie, guard the new guy." Charlie looks a trifle intimidated. Heh.
Let's see them credits!
The sun rises over the Mall to the music of gentle wackiness. Josh banters with his secretary and heads to a staff meeting. Donna calls after him and says Josh is supposed to meet with someone from the National Security Council later, and then asks what he thinks the meeting is about. Josh says, "I don't know, but this is the White House, so it's probably not that important." Josh starts walking again, and this time it is C.J. who calls to him. She tells Josh she wants him to read an article from The New Yorker about smallpox. "The disease?" he inquires. "No, the desert topping," she responds.
Most of the staff is gathered around a table talking. Sam is reading USA Today! Bwah ha ha! Apparently they're catching Mandy up on a regular White House event.
Margaret: "We do it on the first of every month."
Cathy: "We've missed a few months."
Sam: "But generally speaking, we try to do it on the first of every month."
Toby: "We've done it twice in twelve months."
Sam: "We're a little behind."
Mandy, speaking for us all, asks what exactly "it" is. Toby explains that "It's 'throw open our office doors to people who want to discuss things we could care less [sic] about' day." I'm a little disappointed in Toby for saying "could care less," when he clearly means "couldn't care less." Mandy says this sounds like a waste of time, and Margaret agrees that it is, but it's also a pet project of Leo's. As Mandy asks why, Leo enters and begins to explain. He claims that Andrew Jackson would open the White House doors once a month to anyone who wanted to come by, and give all of his visitors cheese. It takes Leo a long time to tell this anecdote because he gets interrupted a lot. Early on, Leo says "I'm making a mental list of those who are snickering, and, even as I speak, I am preparing appropriate retribution." Toby asks, "Leo, wouldn't this time be better spent plotting a war against a country that can't possibly defend itself against us?" Hee hee! I forgive Toby for saying "could care less." Leo says they can do that later; right now he's talking about Andrew Jackson. Sam says that Leo is talking about cheese. Leo says, "And Sam goes on my list." Sam asks "What about Toby?" but Leo responds "I'm unpredictable." Leo continues, and a moment later Mandy interrupts. Leo ignores her, leading Sam to ask why Mandy isn't going on the list. Leo explains that Mandy is new, and returns to telling the staff that he thinks it is important for them to listen to people whose opinions aren't normally heard. Sam looks upset at the injustice taking place. Josh and C.J. walk into the meeting, Josh asking, "Is it total crackpot day?" When Leo admits that it is, Sam points out that Josh is also not being added to the list. As Margaret gives everyone their crackpot assignments, Leo escorts Josh to his meeting with Jonathan Lacey, the NSC guy.
Once outside the meeting room, Leo cuffs Josh on the head, saying "That's for 'total crackpot day.'" They walk into another room and Leo shuts the door and introduces Josh to Lacey. Lacey gives Josh a card and tells him to keep it with him at all times, and to let them know immediately if he loses it. Josh asks what the card is for, and Lacey explains that it will tell him where to go in the event of a nuclear attack. Josh is, understandably, boggled. As Lacey prepares to leave, Josh asks, "My staff goes with me, or do they have separate...?" He trails off as Lacey looks at him. Suddenly Josh laughs and says, "Sorry, you know what, I just got it, sorry." He takes out his wallet and puts the card inside "right to my video club membership." Josh leaves and enters the flow of White House hallway traffic, still looking like a truck hit him.
Set your VCRs now: in two weeks NBC is showing The Magical Legend of the Leprechauns.
Back at the White House, they're having a practice press conference. Mandy suggests that the Prez should try "to not answer [sic] that question like an economics professor with a big ol' stick up his butt." After covering the economy, Toby says they should move to the topic of guns. The Prez says they don't need to, because he's all set. When Toby insists, the Prez asks, "Is it time for my 10 AM scolding?" Apparently so. Sam asks, as a sample question, if the weapons ban that was just passed will reduce crime. The Prez answers, "Yes. question." Toby asks the Prez why he would blow off that question, and the Prez says, "Because I'm weak-willed and stupid." I guess that makes sense. Toby says they discussed this issue a few days ago, and the Prez says that since then he's talked it over with other people. Toby, sounding a bit paranoid, asks "Which other people?" The Prez answers, "I have lots of other people," in a tone that made me giggle.
Toby is still chewing out the Prez in the distance as we cut to still-dazed Josh, leaning in a doorway as C.J. walks in and tries to bring him back to our plane of reality. Mrs. Landingham comes over and C.J. asks "Where are we in the saga of Toby and the President?" Mrs. L. suggests that they are having a disagreement, and C.J. asks "A disagreement or a fight?" Before Mrs. L. can answer, we hear the Prez shouting, "Oh, for god's sake, Toby!" C.J. wakes Josh up again and they go into the press room.
Leo, the Prez, and some other folks are discussing economics. The Prez sits in a straight-backed chair with both hands behind his neck for a while, as if they've been glued to the back of his head. This is not only strange in itself -- it's also a strange way of being strange. He says a lot of things about the deficit and the national debt that I don't understand, and eventually lowers his hands to take a note that Charlie has handed to him. The economists are impressed by the Prez's mastery of economic minutiae, and Leo comments that "The President is startlingly freakish that way." And other ways too, Leo. The Prez announces that Zoey, his daughter, is in town looking for housing prior to attending Georgetown University's spring semester. The meeting ends.
As the Prez walks to the Oval Office, with Leo trailing, he announces he's going to cook chili for everyone. "My friends, my daughter, my beer, and some chili. Yes!" Leo seems nervous about the prospect of the Prez doing any cooking. I foresee wackiness. Charlie enters, and the Prez fills him in on the plan. He also further identifies Zoey as his youngest daughter. So we'll get to see others, I guess. Charlie says that Mrs. Prez might not like this, but the Prez insists, "The First Lady is in Pakistan; I can eat whatever I want." This reminds me of the time when my mom was out of town and I caught my dad eating chocolate cake for breakfast. The Prez tells Charlie to get the recipe from Mrs. Landingham, get the ingredients for the chili, and to send in his staff. I guess it would be kind of cool to be the President's personal assistant, but I wonder if Charlie will get tired of doing all this stuff.
Leo asks the Prez how he can remember all the economic data he was dazzling people with earlier. The Prez says, "You mean I was right?" and they both laugh. The staff enters, and the Prez tells them about Zoey and the chili. Their communal response is a decidedly unenthusiastic "Oh. Great." The Prez pauses, and says, "Everybody, look down at the big seal in the middle of my carpet." They admire the Presidential seal. "Now, everybody look back up at me." They do so. He repeats, "Zoey's coming down from Hanover and I'm making chili for everyone tonight." This time, there is a chorus of "Terrific! I love chili!" The Prez comments, "You see how benevolent I can be when everybody just does what I tell them to do?" I want a poster that says that. The staff sits down for what Leo emphasizes will be a quick meeting.
Mandy brings up the fund-raiser while the Prez pages through the Post. Toby nixes going to Posner's, "because twenty-four hours earlier the President is going to give a speech to the entertainment industry on violence in film and television." Sam mentions that he doesn't think the Prez should even give that speech. Toby says that the point is that Larry Posner's movies are incredibly violent. "So is The Godfather," offers Sam. "What you mean to say is Larry Posner's movies are incredibly bad." Toby, squeezing his hands together nervously, says that Posner's movies are excessively violent and dehumanizing, and concludes, "I don't see how we can denounce Hollywood on a Tuesday and cash their check on a Wednesday. How can we do that?" The Prez answers "'Cause it's Hollywood; who gives a damn?" See, that's funny, because it's Martin Sheen. Toby asks if they are giving this speech because they believe the entertainment industry needs to provide moral leadership, or "because nobody ever lost an election attacking Hollywood?" The Prez asks, very sincerely, "Why can't we do both?" He goes on to say, "It's not that Larry Posner's movies have gratuitous sex and gratuitous violence. It's that they suck. They're terrible. But people go to see them because they have gratuitous sex and gratuitous violence. Now, if we could just get people to stop going to see crappy movies, Posner would stop making them, I promise you." C.J. and I chuckle together. ["I think 'Larry Posner' is code for 'Jerry Bruckheimer,' and if it's not, it should be." -- Wing Chun] Toby suddenly pulls a one-eighty and says that if he was in the entertainment industry and someone started giving him "lists of things that were American and un-American, I'd start to think that this was sounding eerily familiar." The Prez looms into the camera and asks if he looks like Joe McCarthy. Toby says "Nobody ever looks like Joe McCarthy; that's how they get in the door in the first place." C.J. suggests that they've wandered off the topic a bit, and Leo ends the meeting.
Sam asks Josh if he's okay, but Josh brushes it off. Cathy, who I take it is Sam's secretary, tells Sam that she ate his doughnut, and then informs him that the UFO Bob mentioned is still out there. Sam heads into his office, and Josh closes the door behind them. Josh starts out by asking Sam if he's close with Cathy. Sam answers, "I haven't seen her naked, if that's what you're asking." I can't help noting that it is possible to have sex while dressed. Hmm. Josh asks Sam how he felt when they gave him "the card" and didn't give Cathy one. Sam doesn't know what he's talking about. When he realizes that Sam didn't get a card either, Josh stammers a bit and then leaves. Josh, why don't you talk to Leo about it? Leo knows you have a card, so you won't be making any faux pas with him.
C.J. meets with her crackpots -- three conservationists, who are showing her pictures of a wolf named Pluie. They explain that wolves have to travel long distances to breed, because otherwise the packs become inbred and genetically weak. C.J. offers, "That helps explain Buckingham Palace." The conservationists are not amused. I like the way C.J. laughs at her own jokes. The point is that they want an 1800-mile-long roadway for wolves from Yellowstone to the Yukon. C.J. asks how they plan to get the wolves to follow the roadway signs, and they assure her that their scientists are working on it. C.J. points out that ranchers don't like wolves, and that ranchers vote. Conservationist #2, near tears, tells C.J. that "Pluie was shot and killed by a rancher last month." D'oh! C.J. asks how much the roadway would cost, and the answer she gets is that because of grants and corporate sponsorship, the government would only have to chip in $900 million. C.J. cracks up. Conservationist #1 admits, "Sure, there are other thing we could spend the money on..." and C.J. interrupts with a sarcastic, "You think?" Conservationist #2 asks if it would be better to spend the money on a fighter plane, or another Savings & Loan bail-out. C.J. suggests they could build schools with the money. Conservationist #1 says, "Let's move on to the grizzly bear," as a picture of one with the name "Bonnie" superimposed on it appears on the screen behind them.
Mandy visits Toby. She reclines against the door and says, "I came in here to be nice to you, Toby." I don't know if that was intended to sound seductive, but it sure did. Toby doesn't even look up, but says, "Go ahead." They both admit that they don't like "going up against" each other. Then Mandy bites her lower lip, making me think that the earlier sexual implication was intentional, and says, "I'm glad David Rosen passed on the communications job. They couldn't have done better than you." Toby pauses, and says "Excuse me?" She repeats that she thinks David Rosen wouldn't be as good at the job as Toby is, and concludes, "That's me being nice." She's evil, isn't she?
Toby walks the halls with C.J. and reminds her that when he asked if he was the Prez's first choice, she called him a "paranoid nudnik." C.J. insists that Toby was their first choice, and Toby repeats what Mandy told him. C.J. denies that they asked Rosen first, and Toby asks for her help with the press conference.
Josh meets with someone named Stanley in a rather dim office down in Georgetown. We quickly gather that Stanley is Josh's former psychologist. Josh starts out by talking about the article C.J. mentioned way back at the start of the show, which suggested that other nations may be storing the smallpox virus for use as a biological weapon. Then Josh mentions that he's had "Ave Maria" going through his head all day. This leads to a short discussion of Josh's sister Joanie, who loved music. Josh changes subjects again, finally mentioning the card he got that morning. Stanley has to do some probing and guilting, but finally gets Josh to tell him how Joanie died: She was babysitting Josh and the house caught on fire. Stanley tries to assure Josh that it wasn't his fault that his sister died, but we can tell Josh isn't buying it.
Back at the White House that night, Josh listens to "Ave Maria" in his office. Josh has a window! And some awards, and photos, and a firing range target. No, really, he does have a target up on the wall. C.J. comes in and asks what he's doing. Josh says he's working on a brief about smallpox. Then he tells C.J. all about the card, and how he's the only one who got one, concluding, "I didn't want to be friends with you and have you not know." C.J. tells Josh, "You're very sweet sometimes, you really are." C.J. points out that Josh is the only one who got a card because the Prez won't need a press secretary or communications team if there's a nuclear attack. Oh really? Then who's going to negotiate with the giant glowing cockroaches? Then she tells him, "Come, have some fun," and starts to leave. Josh makes her listen to the music for a moment and asks, "Think you have to be crazy to create something powerful?" C.J. starts to reassure Josh that the Cold War is over, but Josh says it won't be like that. At this point Josh spews out a lot of facts about smallpox, so I used my dad as fact-checker because, in addition to eating cake for breakfast sometimes, my dad used to work for NIH and recently served as a consultant about this very issue. Josh says that if there were a smallpox epidemic, one in three people infected would die. My dad says that's true. Josh says that if one hundred New Yorkers were infected, they'd have to be encircled with 100 million vaccinated people for the virus to be contained. My dad says that sounds about right. Josh says that there are seven doses of smallpox vaccine in the U.S. This is very, very false. There's more like ten million. However, we suspect that this was a bit of poetic license, because saying there are ten million doses makes it sound like there's plenty, and we don't need to worry about it, whereas saying there are only seven doses makes you nervous. See, if there really were an epidemic, ten million doses wouldn't make much more of a difference than seven would. C.J. looks thoughtful, then stands up and says, "We'll make more vaccine." (My dad says they're working on it.) Josh waves his wallet at her and says, "You better hurry, 'cause I'm the only one with one of these cards." C.J. tells Josh to come have some chili, and repeats that he's very sweet sometimes. If I had a problem weighing on me, I'd like to have someone like C.J. around.
At the dinner party, the Prez talks basketball with Sam and then tries, and fails, to steal Mrs. Landingham's beer. C.J. tells Cathy that wolves aren't dangerous to humans. Toby goes to sit with the Prez and says, "I guess we haven't been getting along too well lately." The Prez agrees. Toby asks if David Rosen was the Prez's first choice for the job. The Prez admits that he was. Toby, laughing, says "I'm glad we had this little talk, sir, I feel a lot better." Then the Prez tells Toby that Josh and Leo insisted that they bring Toby in, but the Prez wanted David Rosen. The Prez goes on to say he's glad Rosen turned it down because, "I couldn't live without you, Toby." ["And then they kiss. Just kidding, but that would be cool." -- Wing Chun] The Prez tells Toby that he knows sometimes he disappoints Toby, and asks, "Did you mean what you said? That my demons were shouting down the better angels in my brain?" When Toby says yes, the Prez asks if that's what stopping him from greatness. Toby says yes again, but adds, "In a battle between a president's demons and his better angels, for the first time in a long while, I think we might just have ourselves a fair fight." The Prez says "Thank you, Toby. Now go away." If I were sort of paranoid and insecure like Toby, which I am, I don't think I could handle all the mixed messages the Prez throws out.
Josh enters the kitchen and sneaks up on Zoey, who is stirring the chili. They exchange jokes so that we understand that they've known each other for a while. Charlie enters, and Josh introduces him to Zoey. When Charlie says, "Pleased to meet you, ma'am," Josh points out, "This is a girl, Charlie, you don't have to call her ma'am." Charlie apologizes, and seems flustered. Will romance bloom between these two adorable kids? Charlie says he was sent in to make sure that Zoey didn't add any cumin to the chili. Zoey makes Charlie taste the chili, and Charlie suggests that it needs oregano. "Let's get to work," says Zoey.
C.J. is asking Leo and the Prez if they can build schools and protect wildlife. Leo asks, "Pluie really got to you, huh?" Josh joins the group as C.J. leaves. The Prez then tells Josh, "Nothing makes me feel quite so good as the sight of colleagues enjoying each other outside work." My impression that for politicos in D.C., there is no such thing as "outside work," but we'll let the Prez have his little illusions. Then Leo says, "We can't get over these women." The Prez says that C.J. is "like a 50s movie star," which is wrong, because she's more like a 40s movie star, which is much cooler.
Leo points out Mandy, arguing with Toby, and says "Mandy's already won her battle with the President, the game's over. But she's not done. She wants Toby." Again with the sexual innuendo? If Toby sleeps with Mandy, I'll cry. ["If Toby sleeps with C.J., though, that's okay." -- Wing Chun] The Prez mentions that Mrs. Landingham "lost two sons in Vietnam. What would make her want to serve her country is beyond me." As they move on to discussing the secretaries, Josh interrupts to clear his conscience. He says, "I serve at the pleasure of the President, and it's a great privilege." Then he takes out the NSC card and says, "I can't keep this. I think it's a white flag of surrender. I want to be a comfort to my friends in tragedy, and I want to be able to celebrate with them in triumph. And for all the times in between, I just want to be able to look them in the eye." He turns back to the party, and the Prez wraps an arm around his shoulder in an approving gesture.
Charlie and Zoey signal the Prez, who asks for everyone's attention. He says that the chili is ready and that "since I told you [that] you would enjoy it, I am reasonably certain that you will." Chuckles all around, except from Toby. The Prez mentions that Zoey will be starting school in Georgetown, "prior to medical school and a life of celibacy." Josh comments, "Yeah, right!" The Prez pledges to provide a college education for anyone who wants it. Applause. Then the Prez turns to the meetings the staff had that day. "You all start out so cynical, but it never fails, by the end of the day there's always one or two converts." As C.J. laughs, the Prez suggests she'll be up all night writing a position paper about wildlife protection. The Prez says he doesn't mind paying for the highway, "It's the segregation. The ACLU is going to file a petition on behalf of some reindeer, and then we're all screwed." The Prez turns to Sam, and tells him that the mysterious UFO Bob mentioned was just an old Soviet satellite falling into the atmosphere. As "Ave Maria" starts up in the background, The Prez concludes by asking, "What will be the thing that challenges us, Toby? That makes us go farther and work harder? Do you know that when smallpox was eradicated it was considered the single greatest humanitarian achievement of the twentieth century? Surely we can do it again, as we did in a time when our eyes looked toward the heavens, and with outstretched fingers, we touched the face of god." With a final toast to friends, absent and present, the show ends.
If that's how well the Prez improvises, I'm not surprised he was elected.