A Proportional Response

Previously on The West Wing: Sam tells Toby he accidentally slept with a prostitute, Josh fears Sam will try to "reform" the prostitute, Leo tells Morris Tolliver that POTUS wants him to be his personal physician, Mandy is hired over Josh's objections, Leo gives POTUS the news of Tolliver's death, and POTUS vows a revenge involving thunder and fury.

Morning at the White House. Josh, looking exceptionally pasty (and a little damp, since it's pouring out), arrives at work as Donna rushes up behind him to tell him that C.J. is looking for him. He tells her that "Good morning, Josh" is a pretty good way to start the day. Donna complies and when he asks what's up, she tells him for the third time that C.J. is looking for him. Josh is oblivious to the urgent tone in Donna's voice and says to tell her he's in his office. Donna, for the fourth time, tells Josh about C.J. in a way that finally makes him ask, "What did I do?" Donna asks, "How would I know?" to which Josh replies, "'Cause you know everything." Donna smugly agrees. Josh is a little annoyed, and Donna launches in about how sure, he says that now but whenever she wants to make a substantive contribution...and Josh cuts her off to insist that she makes plenty of substantive contributions. Donna wants an example; Josh points out that telling him why C.J. is looking for him could be a substantive contribution. Donna picks this moment to tell him she needs a raise. Josh: "So do I." Donna points out the obvious, namely that Josh is her boss. He protests that he's not the one who pays her; her point is that he could recommend her for a raise. Josh, increasingly desperate to find out just how much trouble he's in, asks Donna whether she thinks this is the best time to ask for a raise. Donna glibly replies that she thinks it's the best time. Josh tells her she's not a very nice person. (Nor terribly smart, it would appear.) Donna finally huffs a bit and tells Josh that from the "small shards of information" she's been able to overhear, the best she can "cobble together" is that there may be some situation involving Sam, a woman, and C.J.'s being denied information. Josh doesn't really answer her but says, "Okay, here's what I'm going to do..." Donna: "Hide in your office?" "No, I'm not going to hide in my office. I'm going to go into my office and devise a strategy. That is what I do. I'm a professional. I'm not a little boy." Donna mutters, "That's the spirit." As Josh puts his hand on the doorknob, he says, "But if she calls, I'm at the dentist. I'll be back in an hour." Donna says "Got it," as Josh walks into his office to see C.J. sitting in his chair reading a newspaper, long legs and high heels perched up on his desk. Josh lets out a loud yell of alarm as C.J. folds the edge of her paper down, glares over the top edge of her glasses and announces, "Wow, are you stupid!" Credits.

Josh pinches the bridge of his nose and declares, "You can't be mad at me for this, C.J." C.J. folds up her paper and says, "Really? Let's see if I can. Let's see if I can find it in me." Donna comes up behind Josh and says in a kind of dopey tone of voice, "Wait, she was here?" C.J. asks Donna to excuse them as Donna wonders, "How did I miss that?" Josh replies, "I don't know but you can kiss that raise goodbye." Donna leaves, reminding Josh that he has a senior staff meeting in five minutes. Josh closes the door and C.J. says incredulously, "A call girl? A call girl, Josh?" Josh makes a lame joke and C.J. asks if he grasps the seriousness of the situation. Josh asserts that he doesn't think it's all that serious, pointing out that Sam didn't know she was a call girl when he slept with her; he didn't pay her any money; he didn't witness, have knowledge of, or participate in anything illegal or unethical or immoral or suspect. C.J. listens to all this with that "oh really, Missy?" look your mother gives you when you explain how all your friends are allowed to sleep over at their boyfriends' houses. She shouts that "none of that matters on Hard Copy!" Josh tells her she's overreacting. (Tip for Josh: Never say that word to a woman who's mad at you. Especially if there's the remotest chance that she's right.) C.J. says, "Am I? As women are prone to do?" Josh replies that that isn't what he meant, and there's a bit of "did too/did not/did too":

Josh: You know what, C.J.? I really think I'm the best judge of what I mean, you paranoid Berkeley shiksa feminista! (Pauses.) Wow, that was way too far.
C.J.: No, no. Well, I've got a staff meeting to go to, and so do you, you elitist, Harvard, fascist, missed-the-dean's-list-two-semesters-in-a-row, Yankee jackass!
Josh: Feel better getting that off your chest there, C.J.?
C.J.: I'm a whole new woman.

Hee! (Although, I should probably be annoyed that it's okay to throw an insult at C.J. for being Gentile, when it seems highly unlikely C.J. would respond with an insult to Josh's Jewishness. Shiksa comes from the Hebrew word for blemish; it's not as neutral a word as a lot of goyim seem to think. ["I didn't know that." -- Wing Chun]) As they leave for the meeting, Josh says, "You look like a million bucks, by the way." C.J. snaps, "Don't try and make up with me." (I'd like to give her credit for knowing that the construction should be "try to," not "try and," but I listened to it a few times and it sounds more like "try and" to me, which is wrong. This moment of pedantry has been brought to you by the letter F and the number 0.) As they hustle off to the Oval Office, Josh says that he'll talk to Sam. C.J. says, "I'll talk to Sam." They run into Toby, and Josh asks him, "How was last night?" Toby responds: "The longest dinner of my life. The President was up from the table every five minutes, teeing off on Cashman and Berryhill. He's barking at the Secretary of State. He's scaring the hell out of Fitzwallace, which I didn't think was possible. He's snapping at the First Lady. He's talking about blowing up half of North Africa..." C.J. asks, "He's snapping at Mrs. Bartlet?" Josh tells C.J. that this may be a good time to tell POTUS about Sam and the call girl. Toby asks, "She knows?" C.J. confirms it: "I'm afraid I have that information, and I'll be in to see you, my friend, very shortly." Toby wonders, "How the hell did I get into trouble?" Josh: "Today? All you had to do was get out of bed."

In the walkway outside the Oval Office, we hear Jed's voice snarling, "This is crap, Leo! It's been three days. This is amateur hour!" Leo tries to placate POTUS, saying, "Cashman and Berryhill have to revise the response scenario so that they speak to State's concern..." POTUS retorts, "Cashman and Berryhill are dragging their feet. Cashman and Berryhill are trying to make me look like a clown. And State should concern itself with what I damn well tell 'em to be concerned with." Leo says, "Doesn't work like that." POTUS snaps: "So I've discovered." Leo adds that POTUS knows that's not how it works, and that the chiefs are moving as swiftly as they can, even though time isn't a factor. He also states that Cashman and Berryhill have a reasonable point with respect to the Security Council. Jed calls out to Mrs. Landingham that he can't find his glasses anywhere, and, waving his arms around, requests that she do whatever it is she does when he can't find his glasses. He turns his attention back to Leo. "It's been seventy-two hours, Leo. That's more than three days since they blew him out of the sky. And I'm tired of waiting, damn it. This is candy-ass! We're going to draw up a response scenario today. I'm going to give the order today. We're going to strike back today." Leo says quietly, "I wish you wouldn't say 'him,' Mr. President." Jed's puzzled. "What?" "Three days since they blew him out of the sky? Of course that's fine while it's just you and me, sir. But in there with Fitzwallace and the Chiefs, I hope you say 'it' or 'the airplane,' not him." Jed seems a little annoyed that Leo is suggesting that he's taking it personally, wondering why the hell he shouldn't take it personally, and pointing out that Americans were on the plane. He bellows again to Mrs. Landingham about his glasses, while Leo is trying to say that he thinks they still need to talk about something, but Jed ignores him and tells Mrs. L he still doesn't have his glasses. Mrs. L reassures him that they're "on it." Um, wouldn't the President have at least one spare pair of glasses? She also tells him that the Director is waiting and Jed tells her to bring him in. He then asks Leo what he wanted to say but Leo decides not to bother, and goes off to his staff meeting, leaving Jed to peer at a document in a file folder.

Leo enters his office and everyone greets him. Josh, with his mouth half full of food, asks, "How's his mood?" Leo tells them all not to worry about it, and asks Sam, "What do you know?" Sam replies, "It's true. I have the transcript from the broadcast." Sam, with some interjections from Leo, begins to explain that a Congressman Bertram Coles appeared, along with some officers from Cromwell Air Force Base, on a radio program in his home district (where they have just recommended cuts in funding for the M6 Beacon), and made remarks about the President's being weak on defense. "Folks down here are patriotic, fiercely patriotic. The President better not be planning on making any visits to this base. If he does, he may not get out alive." Toby listens to all this and asks, "He said that? Sitting there with military officers?" Josh tells him not to take the bait. Toby says, "You better believe I'm going to take the bait." Leo says, "There oughta be a law against it." Toby raises his voice and waggles his finger; "There is a law against it." Josh asks Leo, "Why'd you get him started?" Leo shrugs and suppresses a little smirk. Toby, his voice getting louder: "How about threatening the life of the President? He's talking to other people. How about conspiracy? There were military officers. How about treason?" Josh: "Toby..." Toby: "That was a member of our own party, Leo. That was a Democrat who said that!" He pounds his fist on Leo's desk. Leo allows that it's bad. Toby's incredulous. "That's it?" Leo's unfazed: "What are you gonna do?" Toby replies, "Have the Justice Department bring them in for questioning pending felony charges!" Josh cracks, "Toby's right. What's the good of being in power if you're not going to haul your enemies in for questioning?" C.J. kicks Josh's chair. Toby can't believe that they're really not going to do anything about this. Leo says, "Yeah, Toby, 'cause what we really need to do is to arrest people for being mean to the President. Toby grouses, "There is no law...there is no decency..." Josh tells the peanut gallery, "He's just getting that now." Leo tells them that in the event that an attack order is issued today, they'll need a half hour on the networks. C.J. says the networks need ninety minutes' notice. Leo says they must wait until the last minute and tells Toby to start working on a draft for the President. Toby mentions that he needs to know what targets they're hitting. Leo doesn't know either and tells Toby, "It's military, Toby. You'll know when you know." Toby tells Sam the people with whom he must co-ordinate, and Leo says, "Let's do this right." Josh: "Not much chance of that."