Previously on The West Wing, Leo chose the Prez over his marriage, Sam "accidentally" slept with a prostitute (we know, already), and Charlie got to know the Prez's daughter on a first-name basis.
Maybe it's too cold for basketball, because tonight C.J. is dealing poker hands out to Leo, Josh, Toby, the Prez, Mandy, and Sam. The Prez interrupts to say, "There is one fruit..." and before he can finish everyone else is sighing and gulping their drinks. Apparently he likes to liven up poker games with trivia questions. He asks which fruit has seeds on the outside, C.J. guesses the kumquat, and the hand continues. When it's the Prez's turn again, he announces that the answer is the strawberry. Everyone pretends to be startled by this revelation. Well, Toby doesn't, he just concentrates on the game and asks what the Prez is going to do. The Prez says that depends, and asks if anyone can name the fourteen standard punctuation marks of English grammar. C.J., Josh, Mandy, Sam, and Leo manage to come up with period, comma, colon, semi-colon, dash, hyphen, and apostrophe. The Prez notes that there are seven left to identify. Toby calmly takes the rest: "Question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses." Toby rocks. ["Toby is my boyfriend." -- Wing Chun] I wonder how George W. Bush would do on that question. , the Prez asks what three English words start with "dw." So, is this some weird strategy the Prez has to throw people off, or to give himself time to think, or is just further evidence that the Commander-in-Chief is out of his mind? The Prez takes the hand while they come up with the "dw" words. Toby reminds the Prez to report his winnings to the IRS, "Because God knows, I will." ["Heh." -- Wing Chun] The game breaks up, and the Prez tells Leo, "Give Jenny a kiss for me." Before everyone can leave, a bunch of Secret Service men hurry in and tell everyone to stay where they are because there's been a security breach. Leo says it's just some frat boys hopping the fence. The Prez starts to ask another question about South American geography, leading Toby to call him "Wink Martindale," but the agents declare that the coast is clear before he can finish and everyone leaves.
Credits. Oh, all right: the words are dwindle, dwarf, and dwell.
Toby asks a flunky named Kathy for a copy of article one, section two, of the Constitution. She asks, "Is that something I'm supposed to have at my desk?" Toby looks around the office and asks if anyone there has a copy of the Constitution, and receives silence in response. "This is discouraging," he notes. Kathy asks another flunky to get Toby a copy, and the flunky asks, "Is it still in print?" Toby suggests that they try ordering a copy from Amazon.com, "and if they don't have it, just bust into the glass display case at the National Archives!" Strangely, the captioning names the Rotunda instead of the Archives. C.J. wanders in, and tells Toby that she's visiting Sam. "It's not a big deal, y'know, I'm just here to see him about something." Toby blinks, and responds, "What do I care?" "Absolutely no reason that you should," she answers, and moves on. Hee. Sam is on the phone, declaring that the Prez will veto a commerce bill if it prohibits the use of sampling for the 2000 census. He hangs up, and C.J. nervously compliments Sam on how he handled the phone call. Then she asks if Sam got a haircut, admires his suit, and tells him he looks nice. Strega thinks that if C.J. has a crush on Sam, the end of the world is near. ["I was scared of that too." -- Wing Chun] As they start to wander the halls in that way they do, Sam finally asks C.J. what she needs, and she responds, "A tutor." Phew! Strega's world makes sense again. Apparently C.J. doesn't understand "certain nuances" of the census. Like, any of it. Sam points out that she's been helping them with the commerce bill/census deal for weeks now. C.J. explains, "I've been faking it," but says that recently she's gotten the impression that the census might be kinda important. "And I've come to the realization that if I'm gonna be talking about it all week, it's probably best that I understand what I'm saying." Sam asks when C.J. had this realization, and she says it was about an hour ago. Sam stammers a bit and says, "Let's forget about the fact that you're coming a little late to the party, and embrace the idea that you showed up at all." Sam agrees to meet with her at lunch, and then repeats, "You've been faking it. With the President." C.J. admits, "I know, I should probably not do that," and Sam sarcastically says, "You think?"
Donna is asking Josh about the budget surplus. She points out that Republicans want to use the money for tax relief: "Essentially what they're saying is, 'We want to give back the money.'" Josh agrees. Donna asks, "Why don't we want to give back the money?" "'Cause we're Democrats," explains Josh. Donna says it isn't the government's money, but Josh says, "Sure it is; it's right there in our bank account." After a little more back and forth, Josh enters a circus, with elephants and trapeze artists and clowns. Just making sure you're awake; it's actually another meeting. Leo is listing various additions that have been made to the appropriations bill, such as "$3 million to produce a documentary on highway infrastructure." Mandy asks, "Can someone please remind me what's in this for us?" Toby answers, "Power zones, U.S. Rail, and federal funding for one hundred thousand new public school teachers." Mandy simpers and thanks Toby, adding fuel to Strega's suspicions that Mandy will try to seduce him. Grr. ["Toby, you are way too good for her!" -- Wing Chun] Mandy tells Leo that they have a meeting with Gladman and Skinner, who are two of the three swing votes they need on the Commerce Committee. If the committee drops the prohibition against using sampling in the census, the Prez won't veto the bill. Leo asks who is the third swing vote. Toby says that the third person is Janet Willis's husband, and that "presumably, he's going to do what he's told" by party leaders. Toby and Mandy agree that they can take care of the bill without a problem, since "tomorrow is the start of a three-day weekend, and four hundred thirty-five Congressmen want to make their flights home in the morning." Leo dismisses the team, saying, "Just don't do anything to screw up or in any way embarrass me, okay?" Josh notes the uncanny resemblance between Leo and Knute Rockne.
Ron Butterfield of the Secret Service is telling the Prez about last night's security breach. He says the trespasser was "a mentally unbalanced woman in her forties." The Prez is pretty calm until he is told that the woman was going after Zoey. Leo enters, and Ron excuses himself. Leo starts to confess his marriage problems to the Prez, but is interrupted when Ron re-enters to tell them that the security system functioned perfectly last night. The Prez asks Leo to continue while Ron stands there, but Leo quickly says, "It can wait," and leaves. Poor Leo. Ron reassures the Prez a bit more, and the Prez asks if the crazy stalker had a gun. Ron admits that she did.
Oh boy, another meeting! Mandy and Josh meet with the three Congressmen. Greetings, handshakes, and introductions to Joe Willis, who turns out to be a sweet looking, chubby black man. Joe explains for the audience's benefit, "My wife was Janice Willis. She passed away last month, so I've taken over her seat in Congress." At this very moment, UPN executives are thinking, "That would make a great sitcom!" Josh addresses Joe as "Congressman," but Joe corrects him: "I'm not a Congressman; I teach eighth-grade Social Studies, and this is only temporary..." Toby enters with a bunch of copies of the bill, which are placed on the table. Toby describes the appropriations bill, mentioning that it includes $5 million for eight states to spend researching the uses of wood. Skinner looks a bit embarrassed and says, "Yeah, we, uh, saw that one." Toby says, "I'm thinking of some uses for it right now." Hee! When Gladman points out that they came to discuss the census, Josh says "The White House just wanted to take this opportunity to point out that you are criminals and despots." Gladman says that won't stop the Prez from signing the bill, and Josh agrees, "but what will stop the President from signing the bill is the amendment your committee is offering on the census." Mandy explains that unless they drop the amendment, they'll have a long floor fight over the bill, and the Prez will veto it. Toby emphasizes the floor fight, adding, "I have absolutely no conscience when it comes to exploiting the fact that you have nonrefundable airline tickets for the weekend." Skinner and Gladman look a bit pained at that, but Joe interrupts to say that he's staying in town for the weekend, "so there's no need to rush on my account. You can take as much time as you like." The staff pauses, and Toby says, "Good," but he doesn't mean it. ["Toby, you could tell a million lies, and I'd think they all were true. Trust -- that's my trust in you." -- Wing Chun]
C.J. and Sam are heading to her office while she explains, "It's hard to admit you don't know something. That makes me...submissive." Sam looks a bit taken aback at that choice of word, but tells C.J. what the census is. Since I have more faith in MBTV's audience than NBC does in its, I'm not repeating his explanation. Sam goes on to explain that the standard door-to-door headcount is expensive and inaccurate, since it underrepresents the homeless, inner-city populations, etc. C.J. eats some of Sam's fries and thanks him, but Sam says, "We're not done yet."
Leo enters his office to discover his daughter, Mallory, has dropped by with some stuff from the house for him. Apparently they agreed with me that it made more sense for his wife to stay in the house, and for Leo to get a hotel room. Mallory offers to help Leo look for an apartment. Leo says that his marriage problems are going to "blow over." Mallory frowns and says, "No, it won't, Dad. You understand that, right?" Leo must be so glad that his daughter stopped by to give him a boot to the head like that.
While Mandy argues with Skinner, Donna comes in and pulls Josh out of the meeting because the Prez wants to see him. As they walk along, Donna asks, "What's wrong with me getting my money back?" Josh says she won't spend it correctly, and says he would combine her money with everyone else's to help with the national debt and social security. Donna says she would buy a DVD player, and that doing so will help employ the people who make and sell DVD players and DVDs. Josh says, "The problem is, the DVD player you buy might be made in Japan." Donna insists she'll buy an American one. Josh says, "We don't trust you." "Why not?" asks Donna. "We're Democrats." Donna pleads for her money, but Josh says, "You shouldn't have voted for us." So, the writers are at least attempting to pick on both parties equally. The Prez is on the phone with the Postmaster General when Josh enters, but covers the mouthpiece and asks Josh to take Charlie out for a beer that evening: "The kid has no life, you're the only guy around here he knows at all. Take him out for a couple of beers, you guys come back, we'll all watch the vote in Leo's office." Josh agrees to take care of it, and the Prez starts searching his pockets for some money to give Josh to pay for the beers. ["I thought that was so adorable. Dads always want to give kids money." -- Wing Chun] Josh insists that he has money, and the Prez finally gives up, saying, "Truth be known, I don't have any cash on me. I don't carry any cash anymore. I don't carry keys, either." Josh exits, probably wondering if he was really pulled out of an important meeting just for that. Josh steps into Charlie's office and invites him out for a few beers. "We'll go to a bar in Georgetown, we'll...speak as men do." Charlie asks, "What kind of a bar is this, Josh?" Josh reassures him, and Charlie agrees. On his way out, Mrs. L. asks if Josh isn't too old to leer at co-eds. Mrs. L. is kinda old, so I guess she's still allowed to use the word "co-eds." Josh insists, "I'm a Fulbright scholar, Mrs. Landingham; I don't leer. Also, there'll be plenty of grad students there." As Josh walks along, Mallory and Zoey pop out and begin demanding to join Josh's outing with Charlie. Apparently the Prez just told them about the plan, and said that Josh should take them along. "The man is like a camp counselor," comments Josh. Heh. Josh refuses to take them, saying "these are plans among men." Mallory brings up co-eds again, and she is not old enough to use that word, and Josh again mentions grad students. Good grief, a running gag (tm Kermit). Zoey says "It sounded kinda like an order," and Josh gives in. , Mallory says Josh should invite Sam to join them. Josh says, "Sam's got enough going on in his life right now without you making a booty call." Mallory denies any booty-calling, and says she just wants to finish the conversation she was having with Sam. She wants to hear more about Sam's "accident"? Josh agrees to their demands, and as they leave, mutters, "The President's daughter, the Chief of Staff's daughter, a Georgetown bar, and Sam. What could possibly go wrong?"
Sam and C.J. are in the press room, still talking about the census. Sam explains that head-counts are inaccurate, and sampling is better. C.J. asks what the legal argument is. Sam says that the argument is that sampling is unconstitutional. C.J. says, "If sampling's really against the law, why would Congress be trying to pass legislation saying sampling is against the law?" Sam grins and asks, "You see how good it feels to understand what you're talking about?" C.J. responds, "And you see how I'm able to do it without being patronizing?" Go C.J.! Josh pops in to invite Sam to the bar. Sam agrees to go along, and C.J. deadpans, "I like beer." Josh hesitates, and then says, "If you want to come, I guess that'd be okay." "Why, Josh, you've swept me off my feet," responds C.J.
The Prez is headed to dinner -- while Mrs. L. nags him -- when Leo enters. Leo tells the Prez that Jenny wants a divorce. The Prez is stunned, and demands to know what happened, saying, "You and Jenny were happy!" Leo says that Jenny wasn't happy. "Because you weren't spending enough time with her?" asks the Prez. Leo nods. The Prez says Leo needs to make time for his family, and Leo snaps, "I tried to squeeze in as much time as I could between my wine-tasting club and running your White House." The Prez wags a finger at Leo and says Leo can't blame him. Leo says that he's not blaming anyone, and that "these things happen." When Leo says his wife left him two weeks ago, the Prez sighs, "And you're just now telling me?" Leo responds, "I thought you'd think that somehow you were responsible for it, and you'd turn that guilt into an inappropriate anger toward me, which frankly, I can live without right now." When the Prez turns away from him, Leo concludes, "I can't imagine what made me think all that." The Prez turns back to him and orders Leo to fix it. Leo says it's not that simple, but the Prez insists that it is: "You're the man. Fix it." Leo looks stunned, and says good night in a less than sincere way. First Mallory, now the Prez -- what's , a pack of wild dogs gnaw Leo's arm off?
At a bar called Georgetowne Station, the Foo Fighters' latest single is playing. Mallory asks Sam, "So your friend couldn't come tonight?" Sam stammers, and Josh asks, "Does she mean...?" Sam answers, "My special friend." C.J. asks, "What special friend?" and Josh growls, "His special friend that Zoey can't know about." Zoey pipes up, "The hooker." Everyone stares at Zoey. Sam clarifies that she's a call girl, not a hooker, and asks how Zoey knows about her. Zoey says that Mallory told her. C.J. asks why their boss' daughter knows about it, and Sam explains that when he told Mallory, he didn't know who she was. Josh asks, "So, you thought you were telling a complete stranger that you slept with a call girl?" Heh. They determine that Leo and Prez still don't know about Sam's mishap. Yet. C.J. notes that she never got the grasshopper she ordered, and Zoey volunteers to go get it. Zoey empties her pockets of her lipstick and panic button, explaining that they ruin the lines of her outfit, and leaves the table. Zoey is wearing a baseball cap, jeans, and a T-shirt under an unbuttoned shirt, so there aren't really any lines to be ruined as far as I can see. Not that I'm a fashion maven. Anyway, it's just a big unsubtle sign that Something Bad is about to happen to Zoey. Josh harasses Charlie, asking if he's having a good time, and telling him to relax. C.J. comments, "You keep telling him to relax with this sense of urgency." Zoey waits at the bar, and three frat boys surround her and begin asking what her name is. Charlie notices the situation and heads to the bar, where Zoey is telling the frat boys that her name is Cassandra. Charlie tries to take Zoey back to the table, but the frat boys are, surprisingly, jerks, and don't let her leave. That's when Buffy runs in with a big stick and…oh, sorry. Wrong show. The frat boys begin making comments like "check out superfly," and tell Charlie to go away. Charlie stays calm, and offers to buy the jerks a round. The frat boys start calling him stupid things like "Ice Tray." Josh notices the confrontation taking place, and heads over, taking the panic button with him. One of the frat boys says, "Why don't you do some of that hip-hop for us, G-funk?" Another chimes in with, "Doctor Huffy-Puffy-Dred-man, Doctor Doolittle-man." As they strain their brains and manage to come up with the word "faggot," Sam walks up and asks what's going on. They ask who he is, and Sam tells them to kiss his ass. The lead asshole asks Sam, "Do you want to go?" and Sam blinks and says, "What?" Josh walks up with Mallory and C.J. close behind. "More fairy boys!" comments the lead asshole. "Oh, this is too good to be true," sighs Josh. One of the frat boys decides that Zoey and Sam look familiar. Josh says, "You guys don't realize it, but you're having a pretty bad night." "Oh really?" says lead asshole. "Who's gonna give it to us?" Enter the Secret Service agents, guns out. Zoey is spirited away as the assholes are braced against the bar. As the lead asshole is handcuffed, he tells Charlie, "I ain't done with you, Sammy." Charlie gets in his face and says, "My name is Charlie Young, jackass, and if that bulge in your pocket's an eight-ball of blow, you're spending spring break in a federal prison." Aha, it's spring. I've been wondering about that. While the agents drag the assholes away, Charlie tells Josh, "Now I'm having a good time."
The Prez interrogates Zoey, asking if she provoked the assholes by flirting with them. Zoey says no, and the Prez says, "I'm going to up [sic] your protection." Zoey protests, saying, "I am entitled to this part of my life." The Prez gets all riled up, and explains, "The nightmare scenario, sweetheart, is you getting kidnapped." He paints a detailed scenario of Zoey getting kidnapped from a party, getting louder and louder until he's shouting: "You're tied to a chair in a cargo shack, somewhere in the middle of Uganda, and I am told that I have seventy-two hours to get Israel to free four hundred and sixty terrorist prisoners. So I'm on the phone pleading with Ben-Ami, and he's saying, I'm sorry, Mister President, but Israel simply does not negotiate with terrorists, period." This was filmed a while ago, so the bit with Ben-Ami's name sounds as if it was dubbed in later. At least, I think he said Ben-Ami. "So now we've got a new problem, because this country no longer has a Commander-in-Chief: it has a father who's out of his mind because his little girl is in a shack somewhere in Uganda with a gun to her head! Do you get it?" By now Zoey is near tears as she nods. The Prez centers himself, and apologizes for shouting. They exchange hugs and love-yous, and Zoey heads for bed.
The Prez steps into Leo's office, and Strega declares that he'd better be planning to apologize to Leo. The Prez says, "Before, when I was being an idiot, there was something I forgot to say." "What?" asks Leo. The Prez answers, "I'm sorry." Is he apologizing for being an idiot, or is he saying he's sorry Jenny dumped Leo? I guess politicians are used to giving vague apologies. He goes on, "I don't know what the hell was the matter with me, Leo. If there's anything I can do to help..." Leo thanks him.
Josh declares that he could have taken the two guys on the left in their confrontation at the bar. Sam says those were his guys. As they discuss whose guys were whose, Donna enters with sandwiches. She starts to leave, and Josh asks where the change is from the money he gave her for the food. Donna says, "Knowing you as I do, I'm afraid I can't trust you to spend the change wisely." Josh tells Sam, "That was a little parable." Donna repeats, "I want my money back," and leaves. ["Wing Chun says, 'Like, ha ha. Not.'" -- Wing Chun] Josh and Sam go back to figuring out which two guys they mean, and Charlie interrupts to point out, "There were no two guys that either one of you could have taken." ["I dunno; Josh looks like he works out." -- Wing Chun] Just then the Prez calls Josh into the other room. The Prez asks why Josh took Zoey to a bar, and Josh says he did it because the Prez told him to. The Prez responds, "I told you to take Charlie. When Zoey said she was going I just assumed you were going to have malteds or something." "'Malteds,' sir?" asks Josh. "What is this, Our Town?" The Prez thanks Josh for protecting Zoey, and Josh says he didn't do anything, but that Charlie didn't hesitate to defend her. The Prez calls Charlie and Sam into the office, and comments to Josh that he once played the Stage Manager in Our Town. The Prez shakes Charlie's hand and asks if he plays poker. Charlie says no, and the Prez says, "Excellent, get your money out and take a seat." C.J., Toby, and Mandy wander in and they all start sitting down around the table. Toby rhapsodizes a bit about the interesting man he met that day. C.J. mentions that she now knows everything there is to know about the census. The Prez asks how many people live in the United States. C.J. looks blank, and then turns to Sam, who says, "There is some material we haven't covered yet." C.J. should have said, "We don't know, sir, that's why we need to have a census." Toby is turning up the volume on the TV when Josh calls him over to join them, but Toby says he wants to watch the vote. While Tony watches C-SPAN, we hear "Mr. Willis of Ohio votes 'yea,'" and then fade to black.