So I'm setting my VCR to tape the season premiere of The West Wing, and it occurs to me for the first time that I'm so not qualified to talk about American politics. I mean, could Vancouver be any further away from DC? I soothe myself with the rationalization that almost thirty years of watching American TV and movies can't have all been for nothing, and based on this, I dub myself an honorary American citizen.
Anyway. The episode opens with what turns out to be one of those deals where all the characters are introduced in a series of video snapshots that are meant to essentialize their characters in about fifteen seconds. Each character is contacted by phone, beeper, message from the captain, or whatever, and is clearly being given the same message, which we hear fragments of.
Leo is first, so we're to deduce that he's the top banana. He's played by the guy who played Tommy on L.A. Law ["Hey! It's That Guy! John Spencer" -- Wing Chun]. Incidentally, Tommy was one of my favourite (note the Canadian spelling...I'm being all subversive-like here) characters, so the show's already got one mark in its favour. Leo's at home grousing to his wife about the fact that The New York Times crossword has spelled Khaddafi's name wrong. Crap, I've probably just spelled Khaddafi's name wrong, but I don't work for the New York Times, so I'm not beating myself up about it. Leo snaps to it when he gets his phone call.
Message: Leo is a smart, but lovably irreverent guy, who has a wry sense of humour but puts his work first.
Cut to the gym, where C.J., played by Wing's girlfriend Allison Janney, is running on a treadmill whilst chatting up this good-looking-in-a-boring-way guy at the treadmill to her, who doesn't seem to be paying attention. She's prattling on -- in an endearingly awkward fashion -- about budgeting her time, how every day from 5 to 6 AM is "my time," where she can run at the gym or "meet an interesting man." Then she gives him this cute, hopeful look, which is totally lost on him as he points out that her beeper's going off. As she goes to check it, she gets whipped off the treadmill.
Message: C.J. is driven and hardworking to the exclusion of other areas of her life, making her a consummate professional at work and something of a bumbler in personal matters. I'm betting she gets involved in a disastrous relationship sometime in the first season.
Cut to an office, where a sleeping Josh -- played by either the guy who played the evil guy in Billy Madison or a guy who looks a hell of a lot like him ["it is, indeed, Billy Madison's nemesis, the actor Bradley Whitford" -- Wing Chun] -- is sitting slouched over his desk while the night cleaning staff vacuum around him. His beeper goes off, waking him.
Message: Josh wins the prize for hardest-working employee.
Cut to the inside of an airplane where only a few reading lights are on and most of the passengers are asleep. Toby -- who's dark-haired and balding and is played by I-don't-know-who- because-I'm-stupid ["Richard Schiff, late of Relativity and a tiny role in Forces of Nature" -- Wing Chun] -- is working at his laptop and the flight attendant is saying, "Sir, I need you to turn off your computer." ["'Toby'?" -- Wing Chun] He ignores her, and another attendant comes up to him to pass along a message that the captain just received: "Potus in a bicycle accident." Toby pulls out his cellphone, and the attendant tells him he can't. Exasperatedly, Toby says, "We're flying in a Lockheed Eagle Series L10-11. It came off the line twenty months ago. It carries a Zim-5 transpondent tracking system, and you're telling me I can still flummox this thing with something I bought at Radio Shack." As he gives in and the attendants walk away, he points out that he never got his peanuts.
At this point, I'm thinking he's a bit of a dink for giving the attendant a hard time, because the rules are the rules, right? She doesn't make 'em. But I'm also thinking he's got a good point. Mr. Doppelganger takes this opportunity to observe that Toby reminds him of Spock, which makes sense to me, considering he actually used the phrase "transpondent tracking system" in a sentence. He also used "flummox," which I always thought was a Klingon word, but there you go.
Message: Toby knows a lot about airplanes.
Cut to a bedroom where an attractive woman is wearing a bathrobe and smoking a joint. We hear Rob Lowe's - I mean Sam's - voice from the bathroom, marveling at the water pressure. It occurs to me at this point to make a joke about Rob Lowe's water pressure, but I don't. Sam comes into the room and the woman offers him the joint, which he declines. "I'm wasted," she says. "And probably free of cataracts," he replies. "I get that. It's funny," she says back, strangely without laughing. She's holding up both of their beepers, saying, "These things look exactly alike," at which point giant sirens start going off in my head. FORESHADOWING ALERT. Gosh, I wonder what kinds of monkeyshines will ensue?
Then she remembers that she was supposed to give him a message that came while he was in the washroom, and she tells him that Potus was in a bicycle accident. As Sam goes to leave, she says to "tell your friend Potus he has a funny name." Says Sam, "He's not my friend, he's my boss, and it's not his name, it's his title." Drumroll please: POTUS stands for President of the United States. Thank you. Thank you very much. Y'all drive home safely now.
Message: Sam gets the chicks, but is just dorky enough to make dumb comments about water pressure. We can expect him to do and say some green stuff while he's still learning the ropes. Also, Rob Lowe has clearly signed a pact with Satan, because he hasn't aged since Oxford Blues.
So, we've met the main characters, and the shot is one of those ultra-long continuous shots like in that Spice Girls video, only this time it's taking place in the White House, which would actually be a pretty cool set for a Spice Girls video, if you think about it. Anyway, the camera's following Leo around as he goes in and out of rooms and down hallways and stuff, and I must say the camera work is pretty impressive, not to mention the sets.
And before I go on, I'm going to say that I'm deliberately not going to describe what people are wearing, because the wardrobe is so damn boring, I think my eyeballs started to bleed. I mean, if everything I've heard about Washington is true, then the ubiquitous dark suits that everyone's sporting are spot-on, but still. So, unless I specifically state otherwise, you can assume that the person I'm discussing is wearing a navy suit. Or you can take a walk on the wild side and imagine that the suit is grey.
And another thing, let me just say that you couldn't pay me enough money to have these people's jobs. I need my sleep, dammit.
At one point in his trek, Leo encounters a youngish woman named Donna, who looks a lot like a blonde Shelley Duvall, which kind of freaks me out because Shelley Duvall is one of those people who make me feel weird just looking at them. Donna's all, "Is he in yet?" obviously referring to the President and being nosy, which Leo is deflecting, and it's clear that she's supposed to be the smart-and-sassy comic relief chick in this show, and all I can say is, at least she's not a redhead. In addition to being the White House's token sass-meister, Donna is also Josh's assistant.
Then Leo encounters Josh, and they're talking about a bunch of Cubans who are trying to smuggle themselves into the country in fishing boats, which Josh says is a charitable word for what they're travelling in, when a more accurate word is "rafts" or even "fruit baskets." Josh suggests that they report that there may be drug smuggling involved so that they can justify going out "to search them with guns and blankets." From this, we are to understand that Josh is a Caring Person. Then Leo upbraids Josh for going off on the Religious Right while on some political debate show that may or may not exist in real life. We're to understand that Josh has upset the delicate relationship the Prez has with religious fundamentalists by upsetting Reverend Al Caldwell, and his associates John Van Dyke and Mary Marsh.
Then Leo goes into the Oval Office, where he upsets the Prez's secretary by pointing out that "Your president is a klutz," which apparently is not an appropriate thing to say in the Oval Office. I note this for future reference. Leo heads back down the hall.
Note to Leo: Make sure your shoes have good support for all this walking.
Then C.J. and Leo confabulate about how C.J. is going to deal with the press in telling them about the President's bike accident, which was caused by riding into a tree. C.J. wants a more dignified tack. Leo offers, "The President, while riding his bike on vacation in Jackson Hole, came to a sudden arboreal stop," which is a pretty funny thing to say.
Then everyone's gathered in what I assume is Leo's office, or else it's a meeting room of some sort, and they're discussing the issues of the day. Josh is talking about the Cubans again, complaining about the U.S.'s lack of action: "If one of these guys could throw a split-finger fastball, we'd send in the USS Eisenhower." C.J. counters, "That's not entirely true," which is a well-crafted sentence if ever I heard one. Everyone debates some more, essentially all agreeing that the situation sucks, but deciding to watch the situation for new developments, which I'm sure the Cubans really appreciate.
Cut to the hallway, where a whole bunch of nosy press-types are debating whether or not Josh is going to get fired for mouthing off to Mary Marsh on TV last night. Everyone convenes in the press gallery, where C.J. welcomes everyone and starts with the news of the day, beginning with the announcement about the President's accident, which causes everyone to titter. C.J. gives them a wry look and tells them to "by all means, enjoy [them]selves."
Cut to Josh's office, where we finally get to see the TV footage in question. At this point, I'd like to personally thank Josh for playing his videotape of the incident over and over again, so I didn't have to in order to transcribe it. (Josh: I was always on your side against Billy Madison. You deserved to win the academic decathlon.) Basically, all that happens is they start debating about the nature of God, and he fires off with, "The God you pray to is too busy being indicted for tax fraud." It doesn't seem like that big a deal to me, but I plead my Canadian-ness as an excuse for not getting hotter under the collar.
Donna comes into Josh's office, bringing him coffee, which she apparently never does, because this makes Josh nervous that he's getting pre-getting-the-axe sympathy. Donna bolsters him up by reminding him that "You won that election for [the President]...you and Leo and C.J. and Sam." I'd consider these encouraging words, too, if only a Shelley Duvall lookalike weren't saying them. As it is, I keep looking over her shoulder for a mallet-wielding Jack Nicholson.
Toby knocks at the door and Donna leaves as he enters. Toby wants to make a suggestion, which is "not to be mistaken for an implication that I like you." He invites Josh to sit down with him, C.J., and the Religious Right gang for coffee this afternoon. Josh considers this hypocrisy, at which point Toby gets pissed off and yells, "I'm in charge of the message around here. It's my job to tell the President that the best thing he can do from a PR standpoint is show you the door." After this outburst, there's silence and some Serious Music starts playing. Toby looks levelly at Josh and says quietly, "Come to the meeting, be nice, keep your job." Josh says he'll be there.
Things lighten up a bit when Toby pulls out a newspaper clipping and shows it to Josh. Apparently, Mandy's back, whoever she is. Not much is said, but Josh kind of smiles and says, "That's a good picture of her." Do we need to be told that this some sort of former love interest come back into the picture?
Cut to Moira Kelly wearing a beret driving a convertible dangerously fast, whipping around cars while talking on a cell phone. She's reaming out someone named Bruce with juicy lines like "I'm gonna get cranky right in your face" and "I just wanna make you cry like a girl." I'm thinking I already like this character, and all it will take for me to love her is for her to actually make someone cry like a girl. She gets pulled over by a cop, and scene cuts just as she begins trying to fast-talk her way out of the ticket. Need I point out that it's pretty clear she's Mandy?
Cut to another big group palaver, where Leo points out that "economists were put on this planet to make astrologers look good," which is a pretty funny line. After they're finished discussing economics, Sam offers the news that there's a storm moving into Miami, clearly threatening the Cuban refugees. Everyone sticks to their policy of doing nothing. Then Josh brings up the subject of a Senator named Lloyd Russell, who's emerging as a bit of a threat in the re-election. Blah blah blah, but then Josh reveals that Mandy, who apparently was making $900G as a political consultant somewhere else, is now working for Lloyd Russell. This makes even Leo panic, which is supposed to tell us that Mandy is some kind of political sharpshooter. The scene ends with Sam and Leo standing in the hallway. "Is that the same suit you wore yesterday?" "Yeah. You?" "Yeah."
Cut to a diner, where a couple of "juniors from Florida State" are giggling and simpering while staring at Josh and Mandy, who are sitting at one of the tables. The juniors debate as to whether "that's him" or not, then finally go over, still giggling, and ask Josh for his autograph. They also recognize Mandy from some campaign, and that's when I have a huge fit of incredulousness. Like, am I to understand that, in the States, 20-year-old twits have internalized minutiae like who's on the President's staff and who even works on various campaigns? And am I to understand further that these same twits get the vapours and giggle like teenagers when in the presence of said politicos? And am I to understand STILL FURTHER that said twits are in the habit of requesting autographs, as if said politicos were rock stars? I'm sorry. I'm just not buying it. If I'm forced to believe that, then I'm also forced to believe that star-struck teenagers are giving Preston Manning blowjobs while in the bathroom at Eaton Centre, and I have a vested interest in believing - however rightly or wrongly - that THAT JUST ISN'T HAPPENING.
Anyway. So the students leave and Mandy and Josh talk about Josh's career faux pas and about the fact that Mandy is dating Lloyd Russell, and how Josh "always thought [Lloyd] was gay." Mandy advises Josh to take Toby's advice, adding "I want you at your fighting weight when I start bitch-slapping you around," which, if nothing else is a good excuse for me to pause and comment on how much I love the phrase "bitch-slap."
Cut to Leo on the phone trying to correct the New York Times crossword editor, to no avail. C.J. comes in, and they talk about Josh's predicament. C.J. wants to know how Leo thinks the Prez will react, to which Leo can only say that, after knowing the Prez for forty years, "on any given day, there's no predicting what he's going to care about." Cut to Sam in the hallway debating gun use statistics. His assistant comes up and tells him he's been strong-armed into giving Leo's daughter's fourth-grade class a tour of the White House, to make up for the fact that he accidentally hit on Leo's wife at a White House function. Sam pleads that he doesn't know anything about the White House, which is pretty funny since he's the Communications Director or something. Before we can ponder the irony of this any further, Sam's beeper goes off. He phones for the message, and reaches Cashmere Escort Agency, which is possibly the cheesiest name I've ever heard. Remember that foreshadowing I mentioned earlier? Ta-dah! Sam and the woman he slept with have gotten their pagers mixed up. Unbeknownst to him, the woman is a call girl, but apparently she gives it away to him for free on her nights off. You can't tell me that, in that situation, he's not gloating, "How good am I." Sam gets in touch with her to arrange a switch.
Leo and Reverend Caldwell are walking on the White House grounds. Leo's softening him up for the meeting, and he's doing a damn good job. I'm seriously impressed, and I'm remembering why I loved Jack so much on L.A. Law. Leo points out that the Prez spent eight months touring the U.S. counseling young women not to have abortions. The show adroitly has the Prez believe that abortion is a morality issue, not a legislative issue, which pretty neatly handles the question of how the show is going to deal with divisive issues. But then when you think about it, you have to wonder, "Um, aren't laws, like, kind of there to protect some morality issues?" Colour me curious to see where this kind of hedging takes the show on future issues.
Sam is at the call girl's apartment, commenting that her apartment "makes good use of space." Add this to his "water pressure" comment earlier and you have two opportunities to make vague, but filthy, jokes. I decline yet again. They agree that he can't see her, because of his job and what would happen to him if anyone found out. They both seem pretty sad about it, which is supposed to lead us to the conclusion that (a) Democrats are nice, and (b) hookers who sleep with Democrats are nice.
Has anyone but me noticed that you can see Rob Lowe's bottom teeth all the time when he's talking, but you rarely ever see his top teeth?
Cut to Reverend Caldwell being shown into one meeting room, while Sam's fourth-graders are being shown into another. Things are happening fast. Donna finally gets Josh to change his shirt, which he's been wearing for two days, by telling him, "All the girls think you look really hot in this shirt."
Sam introduces himself to the class's teacher and begins his talk to the class, telling them about what he does at the White House. This is remarkably edifying for me, but clearly not for the kids, who stare at him blankly as four-syllable words roll of his tongue. The upshot of the scene is when Sam tells the kids about the White House, stating that it was "built several years ago, mostly, if I'm not mistaken, out of cement. The room we're in right now, the Roosevelt Room, was named after our eighteenth president, Franklin Delano Roosevelt. The chairs you are sitting on are fashioned out of the lumber of a pirate ship captured in the Spanish-American War..." Apparently, Americans all know that this is a steaming pile of bull. I did not.
At this point, the teacher cuts him off, takes him out to the hall, and chews him out. He tells her he's a nice guy having a bad day, recounting his woes: the Cubans, the President biking into a tree, a close friend on the verge of being fired, and accidentally sleeping with a prostitute. I'd like to mention that the idea of accidentally sleeping with a prostitute may be one of the funniest things ever. I'd also like to point out that, with the exception of sleeping with the prostitute, none of these bad things actually happened to Sam. At any rate, the teacher chooses that moment to mention that she's Leo's daughter, which causes Sam to simultaneously wet himself and defecate in his pants. "This is bad on so many levels."
Cut to C.J., Toby, Josh and Donna heading into a meeting room to meet with the religious folks: the Reverend, Mary Marsh, and What's-his-name Van Dyke. Toby starts off with a conciliatory introduction, but gets cut off by the Reverend, whose pants are in a knot about the "hostility and contempt" the government has shown them. Mary Marsh sits there like she has a pickle in her butt, at which I could go off on a tirade about relative fairness/unfairness of typecasting, but whatever. Josh gives Mary a seemingly heartfelt apology, to which Mary replies, "Good, then...now what do we get?" What she means is, what will the government concede to support: Getting condoms out of schools, coming down on pornography, or reinstating prayer in schools. Suddenly the air is thick with left- and right-wing dogma, which I won't bother to transcribe because we've heard it all before, and then Mary makes a comment about "New York sense[s] of humour," which is immediately interpreted as being an anti-Semitic slur that I don't quite get, but that may be because I'm not from New York. Toby, who's been pretty reasonable up to this point, gets really pissed, ostensibly because he's Jewish, and starts debating the commandments with the right-wingers, who seem not to have a clear bead on which commandment is which, causing one of them to yell, "Well, what IS the First Commandment, then?"
And then, with possibly the best first line in the entire history of the world, the President (played by Martin Sheen, of course) finally makes his appearance, stating "I am the Lord your God. Thou shalt worship no other god before me." Despite the rather creepy overtones of having the American president quote God in the first person, I have to say that I loved his entrance.
Anyway. The crap is cut through. One of the right-wingers asks the Prez if $5 is too high a price to pay for free speech. The Prez shuts him up by saying, "No, but it's a high price to pay for pornography," which is a pretty good line, too. And let me add, that I can totally see Martin Sheen's agent, manager, and personal scriptwriter all poring over the script and commandeering all the good lines for Martin.
So then the Prez starts analogizing (and I resisted the urge to say "parablizing"), which gets a little old when you have to rewind the tape four or five times, but the upshot is that he tells everyone that he got into his bike accident because he was "about as mad as [he's] ever been in [his] life." It seems that his twelve-year-old granddaughter, Annie, had given an interview to a teen magazine, and she'd given her thoughts on a woman's right to choose. The Prez stares at the right-wingers, saying, "From what part of Holy Scripture do you suppose the Lambs of God drew their divine inspiration to send my 12-year-old granddaughter a Raggedy Ann doll with a knife through its throat?"
That pretty much shuts everyone up. The right-wingers shuffle out of the office, having been told to publicly denounce the Lambs of God and "get their fat asses out of my White House." Is it, in fact the President's White House? Can he call it "my house"? Inquiring minds want to know.
When just his staffers are left, the Prez tells another story about his granddaughter and a tomato, which I won't bore you with, but I will say that I hope this analogizing doesn't happen more than three times per episode. And then someone makes an announcement about the fact that most of the Cubans turned back from the storm, hundreds of them died, and couple hundred to Miami alive. The Prez gives some heartwarming speech about people seeking a better life in America, which is supposed to indicate that America will take care of them, but I'm thinking, "Fuck you, America...where were you when they were out on the water? Is this some kind of Darwinian thing, where if you survive the escape from your oppressive country, THEN you get to live in America? If I had a pipe bomb right now, you'd really have to watch your back."
Everyone leaves all reverently, and the Prez stops Josh, who's the last one out, and absolves him, and then the Prez summons his secretary and gets down to business and the camera pans up to the ceiling of the Oval Office so we can look down and rest assured that the President of the United States does indeed have all his hair.