By Potes
Hello, class. I'm Potes, your substitute recapper. That's Potes. P-O-T-E-S. You in the back, stop calling me "POTUS." So, anyway, here I am filling in for the venerable LTG, who is reveling in the fine world of real estate ownership, and I kind of have to issue a disclaimer. Now, I'm not trying to make excuses, but the truth is that, while once a fan of The West Wing, I sort of haven't watched the show in a good four or five years. I think the substitute teacher comparison is kind of apt. Like, I'm sure I'm a fine and smart person in my own way, but, even though I did take a class in Earnest Political Dramas, I got my degree in Culturally Irrelevant Reality Shows Featuring Scantily Clad Ladies. I'm used to making jokes about hair weaves, all right? So I just ask that you bear with me for the two weeks and don't make me get all red-faced and mad and call the office and threaten to walk out of class, just like poor Mr. Cherry did when I was in ninth grade and everyone refused to stop calling him "Buster." Okay? Thanks.
So, previously on The West Wing: See above. I have no fucking idea! But it appears that C.J. gets no respect, Jed is a nap-requiring relative invalid, and Leo is fond of making sports analogies.
The dulcet tones of an operatic soprano lead us to the Oval Office. It is 8:00 PM. Jed stares into space. See, this is why I stopped watching this show. It's boring! On Top Model, we totally would have seen some panties by now. Jed is interrupted by a knock. It's C.J., who wonders why he isn't back at the residence. He says he's taking some time to "enjoy the art." So that's what the kids are calling it these days. Jed says that he's a bachelor tonight, since Abbey is in Baltimore with Ellie and her fruit-fly loving boyfriend. C.J. says, "I hear we like him." And I remember in seventh- or eighth-grade science when my lab partner and I had to mate fruit flies, and we named them Hannah and Marty after the adorably smitten main characters (Jamie Lee Curtis and Richard Lewis) on the show Anything But Love. And boy, did those fruit flies like to procreate! If the recaps are any indication, I guess I'd be naming my current-day fruit flies Josh and Santos.
Jed suggests to C.J. that they grab Toby, head out on the town, and "trip the light fantastic." C.J. asks if they're going to throw on sailor caps and chase after Miss Turnstiles. I'm sorry, but that whole exchange was the gayest ever. C.J. says that the First Lady will have C.J.'s head if she doesn't get Jed to bed within a half-hour. And that sentence would be the perfect jumping-off point for a jaunty musical number. I could take the cue, but that would make me lose the precious remnants of my self-respect. Jed gives a resigned "yeah." C.J. says that she hears that he has a big date the night. If I were Jed, I'd be all, "Why you so up in my business, bitch? Damn!" But Jed, too weak for a feisty comment, says that he convinced Abbey to let him out of the house for Valentine's Day, and so he's taking Air Force One to Reno and chatting up some hookers. No, actually he says that he's taking Abbey to the opera -- Verdi's Otello. C.J. notes that the plot involves a guy killing his wife, and Jed says, "It's in Italian. I'm hoping she won't notice." Heh. They say goodnights, and C.J. tells him to get some rest. I'm guessing he's really, really sick of hearing this, the poor guy.
Back in her office, C.J. asks Margaret to move the President's wake-up call back to 8:30 AM, and also says that she'd like to take a look at his schedule for the following day. We hear voices discussing something boring involving the words "constitutional bait and switch," and then Toby appears along with Doc Brown from Back to the Future. Toby introduces him as "Professor Lawrence Lessig," a constitutional writer who is helping the folks from Belarus to...er, write their constitution. And how great would it be if he introduced his assistant, Martin McFly? This show totally doesn't have that much of a sense of humor, though. Anyway, Doc is actually helping the Belarussians to re-write their constitution, since the original was the work of some big pinko commies. Frankly, I'm just relieved that he's keeping away from the Libyans these days. Jed enters, asking C.J. for a copy of some report, and Toby introduces him to "Professor Lawrence Lessig." Jed says, "The future of ideas? That Lawrence Lessig?" Jed calls him a founding father for hire and says, "Have quill will travel..." He certainly will travel. THROUGH TIME!
Doc says that he is more of a midwife than a founding father. Jed is looking for excuses to stay up late, and starts asking Doc a series of questions about constitutional drafting and history, which makes Doc quite happy. C.J. tries to interrupt and send Jed to bed, but he rationalizes that he can spare five minutes for Doc and says, "Come then! Let us sit as men do and discuss important things," and I think that remark is totally gendered given that C.J., the freaking Chief of Staff, is, like, trying to put him in footsie pajamas. Doc and Jed head off, so don't be surprised if some plutonium is missing tomorrow. We finally get the opening credits, thank the Lord.
It is 12:15 AM. C.J. flops into bed and looks at her clock, which, a lingering camera tells us, reads 12:24. And I actually set my clock ahead all the time to try to get my ass up in the morning ["oh my God, me too! I loves my snooze button" -- Wing Chun] , but then I always end up knowing exactly how many minutes ahead it is so it doesn't really work. Keeps the old math skills sharp, though. The clock moves to 12:25. Wow, this is riveting. Suddenly, the phone rings, and it is 3:45. See, everyone is all up in the President's grille about his bedtime, but it seems to me that some other people around the office might need to be reminded about the eight-hour-a-night rule. C.J. answers and is told by the White House operator that she has an urgent call from Commander Harper. C.J. greets her by saying, "Tell me you're calling about some guy you just met in a bar." Kate's all, "Girl, you know as well as I do that it's always ladies' night down at the Taco Lounge." She adds that a commercial United Britannia flight to New Delhi carrying about 100 mostly French and British passengers (plus six Americans) went off the radar, and had been off-course and drifting into Iranian air space. Oh, shit. It's always something. C.J. says she'll be right in, and that it's time to wake some people up. One of those people, however, is not the President.
At 4:55 AM, C.J. is on the phone with British Prime Minister Grady, who happens to be a lady, and a crazy one at that. C.J. says that there is no indication the Iranians were involved, and that it's in everybody's interest not to jump to conclusions. The conversation is brief. Charlie says he thought maybe when he stopped working for the President, he'd start going home at night. You keep dreaming, Chuck. C.J. says that at least he can't complain that he doesn't get overtime, and he tells her that she doesn't pay him overtime. These people seriously need to unionize. Charlie says that it has been suggested that they invite the British Prime Minster for breakfast. C.J. makes a snarky remark, and Charlie says that he thought she liked "Lord John." C.J. says that she adores him, and that when she was Press Secretary, she could adore him from afar. She tells Charlie to call someone at State and set up a meeting with Chet. Charlie puzzles at the name, and C.J. says, "He'll know."
In the Strategery Room, Kate says that the plane in question went off-course almost immediately, and that it appears as though there was some mistake having to do with auto pilot mode. Because you know who else doesn't get enough sleep? Pilots. And recappers, but that's a different story. C.J. enters and says that the Prime Minster is already pointing fingers, and wonders if this response is warranted. A crusty guy I don't know guffaws and says, "I'm sorry, are we waiting for the President?" C.J. takes no shit and says, "No. Do we have any reason to believe the Iranians were involved?" As it turns out, the commercial plane kind of stumbled into the flight path of U.S. spy planes, so it is possible that Iran mistook the British plane for one of those and shot it down. See, it's always our fault. It's going to take a little while to get to the bottom of the whole mess, and so C.J. asks Kate for updates every half-hour.
C.J. and Kate leave the crusty guy, and C.J. notes that, technically, Iranians shooting at U.S. spy planes is fair game. Man. Don't you just love the state of the world? Kate asks if the President got into it with the British Prime Minister, and C.J. tells her that he wasn't on the call. Kate notes that State has been conducting secret talks with the Iranians on their nuclear program, and C.J. adds that progress has been made. But the situation is fragile, so if the BPM gets her knickers in a twist, some bad shit could go down. C.J. says that she's put a call in to "Chet," who we discover is a high-ranking Iranian official whose real name is really long and hard to pronounce. She also says that she's fried, due to the ten-part lecture on the future of democracy in Belarus that she got dragged into last night. Kate says something akin to "Democracy in Belarus...HA!," and notes that the last leader scrapped term limits and made his opposition disappear...literally. Not to mention those so-called "rockers" on Belarussian Idol. Kate gets serious and says, "C.J...." and for all the world she looks like she's going to ask C.J. out for a cup of herbal tea at The Honey Pot, and maybe if she'd be interested in that extra ticket to see Melissa Etheridge. But she loses her nerve, and instead notes that the BPM tends to overreact, and that the President likes to be notified if there's a chance she's making decisions with international ramifications. C.J. says that he'll be awake in a few hours, reminds Kate to give her the updates, and walks forcefully up the stairs.
It is 6:30 AM. C.J. asks Margaret for her schedule, and says that it will have to be pared down. She balks when she sees that she has an appointment with Miss World, and asks what the eff that's about. Margaret says that she's from Bhutan, and that it's a yearly tradition for the Chief of Staff to meet with Miss World, who will generally espouse some timely good cause. C.J. is all, "No fucking way." Margaret says, "Leo always thought that as a show of international good faith, we should accord all due respect to..." C.J. finishes, "pretty girls everywhere?" She tells Margaret to get it the eff off of her schedule.
C.J. catches a glimpse of Toby, who is intently reading a book. She asks him what he's doing, and he quite obviously replies, "Reading." It turns out he's reading some constitutional stuff, and then he goes on about it for a few seconds. Engrossing, I'm sure, but I think I'll stick with my latest copy of US Weekly. C.J. is all, "Get back to you real job, dude," and Toby says that he'll write a condolence statement on the plane crash. He then goes, "Building a democracy. Heh. How do you shape a new world?" Well, for starters you could get rid of past-their-prime television shows.
C.J. asks Margaret if she's reassigned Miss World, and then writes on the schedule and says that she's sending Toby a valentine. Kate enters and shows C.J. satellite surveillance that indicates there were two Iranian jets on course to intercept the Britannia flight. C.J. asks Margaret to wake the President. Then, she, Kate, and the crusty guy actually go into his bedroom. I mean, at least let the guy get out of bed and have a few sips of coffee. Have they no decency? He could be naked! Which, ew. Jed asks why there are three of them, and C.J. tells him that they think the Iranian air force mistakenly shot down a British commercial airliner. thing you know, Jed's fully suited and telling C.J. that he needs to speak with the BPM. I wonder if he brushed his teeth.
It is 7:30 AM. C.J. tells him that she talked to the BPM earlier, and asked her to wait to hear from the U.S. before making a statement. Iran is not saying much. Jed tells C.J. that they should meet with Lord Marbury and Chet. C.J. says that they're already on their way. Jed gets very impassioned and says, "Damn! We were just making progress with the Iranians. Grady gets revved up and starts quoting Churchill. If she gets aggressive, Iran gets defensive, this thing's going to spiral! I need to talk her down, let's get her on the phone!" But it's too late, because the BPM is on television, going on about how the situation with the plane is a barbaric act against humanity for which there can be no justification. Jed says, "Well, I guess I'll have to wait until she's off camera." You know C.J. is thinking, "Oh, shit." Commercials.
When we return, the President is still P.O.'ed. It is 8:05 AM. He says that British intelligence must have some information that it hasn't shared in order to make the BPM get all "Hans and Franz in primetime." We will pump you up! Jed rants some more and scares C.J. and Kate out of his office. This can't be good for his condition.
C.J. gives Kate some directives as they walk to her office, including one to make sure that Lord Marbury doesn't stop for an eye-opener on his way from the British Embassy. Lord Marbury! But it's only 8:06 AM! That's my kind of man. They pass Abbey, who sits in a chair, glowering. And I'm sorry, but they need to give Stockard Channing a new stylist. Her helmet hair is out of control. Though I guess it is somewhat reminiscent of Hillary Clinton, and thus fits her newly terrifying demeanor. She says that she got in about a half-hour ago, noticed her husband was nowhere to be found in the residence, and got nervous because he's "not the healthiest guy, you know." She was pissed to find that he was at work, and snipes at C.J. that she thought they agreed to let him sleep. She delivers this rant in a manner that only a legitimate actress of the the-a-ter could. C.J. says that there was a development, and that she let Jed sleep as long as she could. Abbey asks how late he was up the night before. C.J. totally doesn't want to tell on him. Abbey gives her the old stink-eye and stomps off. And I'm sorry, but he is, like, the President and stuff. I know he's sick, but there are some times when he just needs to be awake. And also, Abbey needs to get laid.
Toby is introduced to Alexander Zubatov, the head of the Belarussian delegation. He sounds exactly like Yakov Smirnoff. Toby sends their introducer to find Doc Brown. Yakov jumps all over Toby with questions about the U.S. Constitution, including why the President is Commander-in-Chief, but Congress has the power to declare war. Yakov says, "Commander does not declare war?" Toby explains that theoretically, Congress needs to. Yakov says, "So your habit is to ignore document?" Toby says, "No. Well, occasionally." Just in time, Doc enters. And I'm hoping that lightning strikes the clock tower sometime soon, because Toby is starting to fade from the picture. Or maybe it's just because he's dead inside.
Margaret summons Toby from the meeting to tell him that he has to meet with C.J. He's mad about Miss World, but C.J. delivers the news about the Britannia flight. She asks him to tentatively schedule some time with the networks in case the President needs to distance himself from the BPM, and to write a briefing. He begins the briefing, "Since the early hours of the morning the President has done everything in his power to assist the British." C.J. tells him not to say "the President." Toby says, "'The White House has done everything in its power'? That's gonna make it sound like he got a good night's sleep."
Toby and C.J. are interrupted by an exaggeratedly dandy British fop yelling, "Gerald? Gerald!" Turns out it is Lord John Marbury, who thinks that Leo's name is Gerald. He's practically wearing Burberry plaid and saying, "Tally ho! I've just arrived from the fox hunt! Care for some figgy pudding?" I'm surprised they didn't name him Earl Grey. C.J. reintroduces herself to him and he says, "So you're the new Gerald. Delightful." He looks like he wants to blindfold her with his ascot and mount her. Incidentally, Lord John is played by the guy who was Robin Colcord, Rebecca's latter-day love interest on Cheers. And if this show is going to invest in second-tier supporting sitcom actors to round out its cast, I for one think that Growing Pains' Dickie "Boner" Stabbone might make an excellent U.N. Secretary-General.
C.J. and Earl Grey enter the Oval Office. Jed is on the phone with the BPM, whom he calls "Maureen." He hangs up, frustrated, and introduces Kate. Lord John lists lots of Britified credentials including the words "Earl," "Viceroy," and "Queen's Minister," ending with his relation to "an uncle who once performed in the London Opera Company's production of The Mikado in the role of Nanki-Poo." Kate says it's a pleasure, and then gives C.J. a sly little smile that reads, "Boys are dumb." Jed says that the BPM is doing her "William the Conqueror thing again." Lord John says that the BPM's whole party thinks she's soft on Iran, the government is far from stable, and they've just lost 100 countrymen. I half expect him to add, "And you know how she gets when she's on the rag." Jed says that he's not surprised at her reaction, but that the incident might have been a mistake. Lord John is incredulous, and Kate explains the thing about the spy planes.
Lord John sarcastically wonders why Iran would want the U.S. to stop spying on its nuclear facilities. He says that they shot down the spy planes because they want to continue building nuclear weapons. He says that they are a rogue nation on the verge of becoming a rogue nuclear power, and that while he by no means wishes to trivialize the loss of life that occurred, this can be seen as an opportunity. C.J. asks whether the BPM is going to use this as an excuse to bomb the Iranian nuclear plants. Lord John says, "Heavens no," and that the BPM will likely demand a formal apology or, rather, "elegiac groveling" from Iran. Jed basically says, "Fat chance." Lord John says, "Well, then, we will be forced. To take. Appropriate. Measures." Thems is fighting words! Lord John asks if there will be mimosas with breakfast. Mmm. Mimosas.
Toby is running the press conference, and refuses to speculate about Britain's position or the President's reaction. When he gives his line about how the White House has been working with the British since early this morning, Annabeth, who is watching the whole thing on TV, reacts. Someone asks when they can get the initial tick tock. Toby tells the reporters that the President is scheduled to address the nation at 6:00, and that they should tune in.
Annabeth corners Toby when he exits, and gives him a chocolate heart for Valentine's Day. She asks him what the tick tock is, and he explains that it's a minute-by-minute accounting of the President's actions, which the press often asks for during a crisis. And also, a reference to Wicked, which makes me wish that it was Kristin Chenoweth who fell through that trap door. She gets on my last nerve. ["Also? Republican." -- Wing Chun] In any case, Annabeth is suspicious about the "White House" language, and knows the President wasn't on the case in the wee hours. Toby takes a bite of his chocolate heart, and Annabeth says that she's got one for his "special someone." When he says, "Excuse me?," she starts singing about Bhutan in spring. Toby, with a full mouth, says something about the beauty queen. And it's rude to speak with your mouth full, even when you're calling after a munchkin.
Toby enters the room where Doc Brown is lecturing the Belarussians about the Electoral College. They seem confused. Yeah, join the rest of us. Toby says he thinks that maybe they should push beyond American-style government, and move on to equally boring talks about a Parliamentary system. Yakov Smirnoff says that the Belarussian President needs broad powers, like the American President. Toby notes that since the Belarussians have had a history of brutal dictatorship, this might not be the best idea. Doc Brown says that he doesn't entirely agree, and Toby notes that half the faculty at Yale Law describes the American Presidential system as one of this country's most dangerous exports, responsible for wreaking havoc around the globe, and that it is a recipe for constitutional breakdown. Doc Brown seems excited for a vibrant discussion. Toby smiles. Hey! He can smile!
It is 11:15 AM. Jed and Lord John are arguing about Iran. Lord John is keen on bombing. Jed says that the Iranians have spread out their nuclear facilities, and that we don't even know where half of them are. Lord John says, "Well, we'll bomb the half we can find." Just then, Abbey enters. Lord John makes some vaguely inappropriate comments that imply how do-able she is. And incidentally, I just looked up Stockard Channing on IMDb, and there is a forum entitled, "only 18 but id do her ." That is kind of awesome. Anyway, her hair barely fits in the doorframe. Abbey asks for C.J., and when she learns that C.J. is busy, she asks for Kate. Jed has a look on his face that's like, "Will you stop embarrassing me, Mom?" As Kate leaves, Lord John says, "Tarry not long, gentle courtesan!" Dude, he just called her a whore.
Abbey tells Kate that the President needs a break. Kate looks at his schedule and notes some very important meetings coming up with the French and Iranian Ambassadors. Abbey says, "I mean now." Kate says maybe she should check with C.J., and Abbey says, "You can do that. Or you could go back in there and get my husband." Kate says, "Yes, ma'am." I'd be afraid of that hair, too. Commercials.
And, we're back. Lord John is reciting poetry with no shoes on. I'll bet his feet stink. It is 11:45 AM. Kate is annoyed. She answers the phone, and Lord John recites poetry even more loudly. C.J. enters and asks where the President is. Lord John says that he's on recess, and Kate explains that the First Lady wanted him to rest. C.J. says she guesses they can delay the French. Kate starts with "Should I have..." and C.J. snaps, "No." Kate says she wasn't sure what the chain of command was in this situation, and C.J. says that it's fine in a way that indicates it might not actually be fine. C.J. asks Margaret to find out if Leo is in yet.
Back in the Land of Boring, Toby and Doc Brown continue on the Presidential vs. Parliamentary system debate. I wish that the First Lady would come in right now and tell Wing Chun that I need a rest. ["Aw, we all need a rest, lady." -- Wing Chun] The Belarussians want a unifying national figure. Toby argues that a Prime Minister is a unifying national figure, and Yakov Smirnoff says that Prime Minister Grady is weak. Toby says that she's subject to the people's representatives, so she can be ousted if she goes all Whitney Houston "crack is whack" on everybody. Yeah, I kind of wish we could do that, too. Toby says that Belarus needs systemic protection and safeguards to protect future generations from potential bad guys. Just then, Annabeth introduces Toby's 12:30 -- Miss World. Oh, comedic timing.
C.J. tells Charlie to take some of her appointments, and Leo enters. Lord John greets him with an enthusiastic "Gerald!" He says it's been too long, and Leo deadpans, "I don't think it has." Lord John asks if Leo's heard the news about their great tragedy, which might have the "small consolation" of allowing their paths to cross once again. C.J. tells Leo that she hates to pull him into the situation, but that Toby's plate is full, and Josh is gone. She says, "The President's in the residence, The Iranians are in the mural, the French are at the gate, and then there's Maude." And I would give my left earlobe for that line to cue the entrance of one Beatrice Arthur. I would also like to highly recommend that everyone go and download the theme song from Maude, because it is awesome. Leo can't believe that they still let Lord John in the building. Leo asks if they have diplomatic relations with the Iranians. C.J. says that they have Chet, and then adds that Chet is the new Phil. Leo will take the French, C.J. will take Chet, and poor Kate gets to stay and entertain "Lord Flibbertygibbet." And then there's Maude! See, I think that if the most memorable thing about your award-winning hour-long drama is a reference to a '70s sitcom theme song, then you might be in a bit of trouble.
Toby meets with Miss World, and painfully tries to engage in conversation. A number of male staffers interrupt with paltry excuses, and stare desirously at Miss World. And then Margaret comes in and does the same thing, only with no actual pretext for being there. Okay, that was actually pretty funny.
Meanwhile, Annabeth is leaving chocolate hearts for the press corps and singing "My Funny Valentine." Oh, I just want to bludgeon her. A press guy comes in and says that he's waiting for the tick tock. Annabeth tries to divert him with candy, but he says that he has a tip from The Guardian that the President wasn't on the early call with the BPM. Press Guy asks for Toby, and says that if the President wasn't up, the country has a right to know. He says he'll post the story with or without comment from the administration, and Annabeth says, "Maybe now...would be...a good time...to talk to Toby." Die, Kristin Chenoweth, die! She brings Press Guy into the middle of Toby's meeting with Miss World. She notes that Gordon, as Press Guy is named, writes for The Washington Post and has written columns on the mapping of the human genome. She then notes that Miss World is very interested in the subject. Gordon gives a flustered "Really?" and, because all men become functionally retarded when presented with a pretty lady, he forgets all about why he was at The White House in the first place. As Toby and Annabeth excuse themselves, she fills him in on why she needed to stall Gordon. A secretary tells Toby that he has a call from the First Lady. Wow. This makes me have a bit of an inkling on how George Stephanopoulos must have felt.
C.J. is meeting with Chet, who seems kind of pissed. Everyone is always in such a foul mood around this place. He says that the U.S. has to control the British, because they are jeopardizing more than just the nuclear talks. Chet says that people are rallying around the Ayatollah, and that the President (of Iran) is worried about the future of their reform movement. C.J. says that's good enough reason to apologize, but Chet says that with the impending threats from the BPM, the Ayatollah is not going to apologize, nohows. He asks why he would consider an apology, and C.J. says, "Maybe to avoid compromising a potential relationship with the United States." Chet asks if the U.S. apologized when its Navy shot down an Iran Air flight and killed 290 innocent people, and that kind of makes C.J. shut her piehole. He says that even if an apology were in his best interest, the Ayatollah is a very proud man when it comes to his air force. C.J. asks Chet to do his best, and he says that he will, but the U.S. must control the British. Maybe they should introduce the Ayatollah to Miss World.
Leo enters and asks if things went well. C.J. gives a negative "yeah." She asks how talks with the French went, and Leo says, "Like talking to Madame Defarge." Or, as I like to say, like talking to El Debarge, because I have no idea what he means. C.J. says that the U.N. is scared to death of an Iranian nuke. Leo says that maybe the U.S. should just fall in line. C.J. says that the reform movement has gained a lot of ground in ten years, and that you've gotta love Iran and their newfound Western-loving ways. She notes that, if he refuses to apologize and the British retaliate, the Ayatollah can rebuild the nuclear plants with the added benefit of anti-American sentiment. Blah blah blah. I hate when they talk politics. Can't we just concentrate on whether Josh and Donna are ever going to fuck each other?
Toby approaches Leo and C.J. and says that the First Lady has requested that they cancel the President's address tonight and just issue a statement instead, because she thinks he's not up to it. Leo says, "That's not her call." And he's totally right. Like, stop messing in world affairs, First Lady Hair. Toby says he told her that, and C.J. says she'll talk to Abbey. Just then, Leo notices Miss World and says wistfully, "I used to love this time of year." Perv. C.J. and Toby look at him quizzically. C.J. asks why she's with Gordon, and Toby explains that Gordon was asking for the tick tock, and that Miss World should distract him for a while.
Leo asks if Abby has been more involved since C.J. got back from China, and she confirms that Abbey has. Leo says, "Thank God for early retirement." C.J. says that she and Abbey met with the President's doctors and came up with a plan, which included a full night's sleep and a nap during the day. Getting the President to cooperate, however, is a different story. Maybe they need to provide him with a mat and a cookie. C.J. says that she called Abbey last night to discuss whether or not to wake up Jed. C.J. thought that they should, but Abbey clearly did not. I think we all know who won that particular debate. Leo says that the wake-up call was always one of the hardest decisions to make, and that the President is always going to want the call. But at the end of the day, he tells her, all you have to ask yourself is whether it would have made a difference if the President had been awake.
Alan Alda is speechmaking on the TV. C.J. asks Kate where Lord John is, and she explains, "He lost interest. Something about a Miss World." Jed comes in ranting about the candidates, who are all on the "Iran is evil" bandwagon. There's an awkward segue to Jed's asking when they are meeting with the French. They explain that Leo already met with the French, and they are on the bombing bandwagon too. C.J. explains that she didn't have much luck with Chet, and Jed is incredulous that she talked to the Iranians without him. C.J. asks for a moment alone with the President. She asks him not to yell at her in front of the staff. He says that he needs to manage this crisis and be in the meetings. C.J. says that they handled the meetings, since he was in the residence and unavailable. Jed says that all he has in the situation is influence and relationships, which he uses to rein in renegade world leaders. He says that this is exactly what he would have done had he been awake that morning. C.J. says that she doubts that, and that she doesn't think there was anything that he could have done to rein in the crackhead BPM. Then she stares him down and says, "And the funny thing is, sir, I'm pretty sure you don't think you could have either." Balls! Commercials.
When we return, Gordon and Miss World are practically engaged. Toby tells Annabeth that the President's speech is in the printer, assuming there is one. Speech, that is, not printer. Annabeth gazes at the new lovebirds and says, "Don't you just love Valentine's Day?" Her head is incredibly bulbous, which makes me hate her even more. Toby returns to Doc and the Belarussians. Which is totally the name of my new band. Toby basically tells Doc that he's wasted the Belarussians' time by spending the morning discussing a democratic system that will never work for them. Doc says that it's not a waste of time, and Toby tells him that they need to head back to Minsk on Friday with a set of laws. Doc says that what they need is a sense of the rule of law. Toby says, "You're not planning on writing a constitution this week?" Doc uses some example about a lawsuit to be able to teach German in school to prove the point that a constitutional democracy only succeeds if the constitution reflects democratic values already alive in the citizenry. Toby says that the Belarussians don't have those values, and Doc says that these values need to be instilled in their leaders via discussion and debate. He introduces the estimable Belarussians one by one with their credentials, and then says, "If my calculations are correct, when this baby hits eighty-eight miles per hour...you're gonna see some serious shit." End of scene, thank God.
On the balcony, Jed sneaks a cigarette. Leo appears and asks if they are bad for the MS. Jed snots that he has seventeen nursemaids, and says, "She didn't wake me up this morning." He starts to say what he could have done if he was awake, and Leo cuts him off by telling him that the BPM thinks he's a Yankee Doodle Windbag, and that he probably would have made things worse. Leo implies that Jed is micromanaging, and tells Jed to let C.J. do her job, so that Jed can do his.
Meanwhile, C.J. asks Abbey for a moment of her time. Abbey says that she sent Jed back to work. C.J. knows this, and tells Abbey that she needs to stop confusing the staff, and that if Abbey has a question or concern, she needs to come to C.J. directly. Abbey says, "What if I can't find you?" Like, I'm so sure that no one would know where C.J. is. C.J. says, "Find me." Abbey brats, "You want to take away my key to the executive washroom, too?" C.J. sits across from Abbey. The scene is softly lit, and crackling with sexual intensity. Just seeing if you were still paying attention, there. C.J. says that she made a mistake that morning by not making the decision on her own. Abbey says that she can't make the decisions on her own because she's not a doctor, and C.J. says that she's the Chief of Staff, and that it's not a medical issue. The President needs to be awake and filled in on the important stuff, yo. What the President does with that information, and how he manages his disease, are his decisions. Abbey says that he was up until midnight and that he's not managing his disease, and C.J. tells her to take it up with him. Just when it seems that they are about to consummate their long-repressed passion, C.J.'s beeper goes off. Dang!
Lord John approaches the President and C.J. They confirm that the Iranians thought the Britannia was a U.S. spy plane. Lord John says he's not sure how that changes anything, and Jed goes on about the Iranian reform movement, and blah blah blah. Lord John talks more about the nukes. And finally, C.J. has another one of her brilliant ideas. She says that they should call an emergency meeting of the U.N. Security Council and tell them that they will play the intercepts, which indicate that the Iranian air force couldn't tell the difference between a U.S. spy plane and a commercial airliner. This would embarrass the Ayatollah into apologizing. Lord John gets all serious for a minute and talks more about the eventual danger of the nukes. But Jed shows a little faith in C.J. and endorses her plans. Lord John says that this action will cause the Ayatollah to redouble his nuclear efforts. Jed says, "Diplomacy, John. The job of statesmen." Lord John says, "And I thought it was drinking and dancing."
It is 6:00 PM. C.J. asks Toby to cancel the press conference since the Ayatollah will be apologizing. She tells Toby to give Gordon the tick tock, and tell him that the Prime Minister was a courtesy call before they were sure Iran was involved. She says that just because the public thinks the President should be up doesn't mean that he should be up. Frankly, these days I'd feel safer if everyone in the White House slept upwards of twenty hours a day. Toby says, "You know what the story's gonna be," and C.J. says, "They're going to be writing MS stories until the end of his administration. Give him the tick tock."
Jed approaches C.J. and says that maybe they should cancel the press conference. She says it's already done. With Iran apologizing and Britain backing down, there's no point in distancing himself from Grady. She says that if the President doesn't trust her to make these kinds of decisions, there's no point in having her in the job. She tells him that she spoke with Abbey, and that from now on she's going to make the wake-up call decision herself, and his MS won't be a factor. He thanks her. She also tells him that he needs to take care of himself, because there will be mornings when she has to wake him at 3:00 AM. He takes his leave.
Jed enters the Oval Office, where Abbey stands ominously by the fireplace. She has a way of sneaking up on people just by waiting for them. It is only the shadow of her giant helmet hair that sometimes gives her away. She says, "Happy Valentine's Day" in a way that indicates she is neither (a) happy nor (b) expecting to get laid that night. She's wearing her big black suit, and he asks her if that's what she's wearing to the opera. She says that he has a 7:00 AM call, and that she cancelled the opera. He gets mad and says, "Dammit, Abbey, I can manage my health without you taking my pulse every five minutes!" She snaps back, "Is that what you were doing when you decided to stay up gossiping with the children last night?" He says that he was talking to Doc Brown, and she yells, "Shut up!" And man, this scene is totally going to throw children of divorce right back into Traumaville. They bicker back and forth. Jed yells "Stop treating me like a child!" and Abbey retorts, "Then stop acting like one!" Poor C.J. can overhear everything, even after she closes the door. Yeah, no lovin' for the Prez and the Missus tonight. I guess Cupid was shot down by the Iranians, too.