By Deborah
Previously on The West Wing: I don't know, because by the time the local channel decided to stop simulcasting over NBC, which cause me to flip around madly to make sure I wasn't on the wrong station, I only barely got to see the title card.
It's 10:45 PM. Leo and Jordan get out of an elevator at the Rayburn House Office Building and walk into a meeting room, past some cops, where Cliff and another lawyer are waiting. We've seen the other lawyer before, at Leo's hearing, but I can't remember his name. Before even taking their coats off, Jordan wants to know what's with the police posted outside. Cliff says they're the Capitol Police, and that he didn't order them. He asks Jordan if she would prefer they went away. She indicates that she would prefer that, if Cliff is going to offer Leo a deal, there not be armed guards outside the door to intimidate him. Leo: "I'm not that easily intimidated." Jordan: "I am." Cliff explains that the Chairman assigned them there to ensure their privacy. Jordan tells Cliff to get them to wait at the end of the hall. Cliff gets the consent of the other lawyer, and then goes off to do that. Jordan and Leo sit down.
Cliff returns and announces that they've stepped to the other side of the hall. Jordan starts to say something, and Cliff interrupts to ask if she wants him to overpower them, too. Leo insists that he doesn't care if there are cops out there; he just wants them to come out with whatever it is they have to say. Cliff begins by pointing out that the discussion is off the record and no one is documenting it. Leo asks whether, by "discussion," Cliff means the whole meeting or just the discussion of the cops. Cliff means the whole thing. Finally, he comes out with the deal: they're willing to end the hearings completely, right now -- foregoing Leo's testimony, Abby's, and that of everyone remaining on the witness list -- in exchange for a Joint Resolution, HR 172. Jordan: "Censure." Cliff continues: "Condemning the President for lying." Leo interjects: "He didn't lie." Jordan hushes Leo, and Cliff carries on: "Condemning the President for lying to the American people." Leo starts arguing right away. Cliff indicates that the White House could not object and would have to welcome it, and would have to allow any Democrat who wishes to vote in favour of it. Leo says, "You keep saying 'the White House,' but you mean the President." Leo wants to know why they aren't talking to POTUS. Cliff replies that they think if the suggestion comes from Leo, it will carry more weight. Leo, clearly peeved, says, "Okay. Well, I'll just call the President and suggest to him that he allow a huge bipartisan vote on the floor of the U.S. House of Representatives calling him a liar and that he welcome the result. Then, I'm going to flap my wings and fly to Neverland." Jordan tries to calm Leo down, but he continues, "You think I am so desperate to save my ass I'm going to roll over on Jed Bartlet?" Well, it wouldn't be a first in politics. Cliff tries to say something, but Leo firmly interjects, "I take a bullet for the President. He doesn't take one for me." Then he asks Cliff, "Is that all you got?" Cliff says it is. Leo says, "Good night," and leaves without Jordan. Once Leo has left, Jordan asks, "Can you give me some time?" Cliff says, "One day." Out in the hall, we see Leo strut into the camera as the credits come up. Yeah, Leo's da man. Even if he is too good to be true.
There's a staff meeting attended by quite a few people in the Roosevelt Room at 7:00 AM. Sam comes in saying he's got copies. Josh asks, "Have you read it?" Sam says, "Bits and pieces." Josh wants to know Sam's impression of it; Sam says he's going to set up a war room downstairs. Must be pretty bad, whatever it is. Josh is surprised to hear of the serious nature of the problem. Sam dumps a pile of documents on the table, prompting a drowsing C.J. to jerk her head and announce, "I'm up!" Sam explains that he's handing out copies of What I Saw at the Bartlet White House: The Camera Doesn't Lie, by Ron Burkhalt. C.J. asks whether Sam has read it. They basically repeat the whole conversation he just had with Josh, and Sam asks, "How many times do you think we're going to have to do this?" I wouldn't mind knowing that myself. C.J. asserts that she is up. Sam says that they're each going to take a couple of chapters. Ginger contributes that they've assigned chapters by going through the index, so if people find that they've been given chapters that aren't about them, they should trade with someone else. Sam wants them to note any fact, no matter how trivial, that's wrong, so that they can attack the author's credibility. Ed says, "Well, right away I see one." Sam asks what it is. Larry and Ed trade documents as Larry explains, "I'm Larry. He's Ed." Hey! Le shout-out pour moi! ["Totally." -- Wing Chun] Okay, I think you all know I'm not someone who claims every teensy thing is a personal shout-out, but if that isn't, I don't know what is. I laughed out loud, and as I happened to be eating an apple at the time, also almost choked on a piece of apple. But it was worth it. Resolution #1 for 2002: Keep Ed and Larry straight. I think I can do this. C.J. comments, "I usually don't know that." Hee! Josh wonders if they're not taking it a bit too seriously. Sam thinks not. Josh says the guy was a White House photographer who got fired, and Josh remembers him as a buffoon. I love that word. Buffoon. Resolution #2: Use the word buffoon more. Sam confirms that he was a buffoon: "Which has always stopped the American public, to say nothing of the press, from taking something seriously." Sam says the book will be in stores in three weeks, and that the press will have excerpts in a week, so that's how much time he has to "turn this guy into a punchline." Larry reads, "'Bartlet was playing a round of golf with Toby Ziegler, the prickly, mumbling Communications Director, whose inner, bitter darkness spelled the breakup of the one marriage we know about.'" Holy crap, that is some bad writing. Poor Toby. He does mumble, though. And he is a bit prickly, but that's why I love him. Everyone's uncomfortably silent for a moment, and then C.J. leans around the small lamp on the table blocking her view of Toby, and says, "It was miniature golf, wasn't it?" Toby leans to the same side and says, "Yeah." C.J. disappears behind the lamp again. Toby asks if there's anything else. The meeting breaks up.
On the way out of the meeting, Josh seeks Toby's advice on his love life. He asks whether Toby knows Amy Gardner. Toby knows who she is. Josh says he's known her for a long time; she dated his college roommate. He mentions that he saw her a couple of weeks ago (details in "The Women of Qumar"). Toby, always thrilled to be sought out on the subject of relationship issues of other staffers, more or less listens as Josh rambles on. "I don't know...she changed her hair or something, something's going on." He really is addled. Toby looks around somewhat apprehensively and asks Josh what he needs as they enter his office.
Josh shuts the door as he announces, "Well, I'm a straight shooter. I think my record's pretty clear on that. I'd like to see her again." So? I've seen you dial a phone, dude. What's stopping you? Toby: "Call her." Josh: "And ask her out?" No, find out if she has Prince Albert in a can. Josh rejects that idea: "Because there's a potential she says no and then I have to move someplace where it'll never be spoken of again." Toby more or less acknowledges this. Josh confidently asserts that he needs to come in "under the cover of business." Toby, deadpan: "'Cause you're a straight shooter." Josh: "Yeah! I need a point of friction. An issue where the feministas and the White House disagree. That way, I can go to her, break the bad news, stand tough, smooth it over, and then, you know, I take it from there." That's one hell of a...plan. Or something. Toby (God love him): "How about the word 'feministas'?" I tell you, if I wasn't already happily married, and Toby didn't have that nasty cigar habit.... Josh says that Toby's been doing outreach to women's groups in preparation for the State of the Union, and thinks that he must know of some issue on which said "feministas" are unhappy. Toby says they're very happy with everything that's going on. Wow. Talk about wish fulfillment. In the history of American feminism, has there ever been a time when its adherents were all content with the actions of the American government? But, this is The West Wing, so I guess anything is possible. Josh is dismayed to hear this and gripes, "Damn. Where the hell are the pro-lifers when you need them?" (Psst, Josh: I bet you can find a few of them harassing women outside abortion clinics if you're really stuck.) Toby: "Sons of bitches. Don't they know you're trying to get..." Josh quickly interjects: "Hey, this is not that. She's got...I really...I'm bewitched. I'm...ensorcelled." Despite his incredible immaturity he's quite adorable delivering these lines. Also, ensorcelled is a perfectly cromulent word. No, seriously. Points for Josh for knowing a relatively obscure word and using it correctly in a sentence.
Josh insists, "There's gotta be some way we're screwing them over." Well, keep a good thought. Toby ponders a bit and suggests the anti-family planning amendment on some guy's foreign ops supplement, but Josh points out it was killed in Committee. Toby: "Pay Equity Act?" Josh: "They're the ones who want to wait." They are? Toby suggests Medicare-funded breast-cancer screenings. Josh says they're fully funded and asks about paid family leave. Toby says, "They know it's a dream. They don't want us to waste the capital." Josh objects, "We can't just compromise like that!" Toby: "They want us to compromise, like that." Josh replies, "They should be outraged!" Toby says they're not, and that they just want funding for a study. Josh asks how much; Toby says they're getting almost everything they asked for. Josh sees a glimmer of hope: "'Almost'?" Toby says they wanted twenty-one million and what they're getting is only $500,000 short of that. Josh: "Well, that's practically an insult." Toby looks at Josh as a flash of amusement passes over his face and says, "Yeah."
Josh is all pleased now that he's got some ruse around which to build his latest pathetic attempt to interact with an interesting woman in an adult way. He starts to leave, and Toby follows him out into the hall to ask about something else. Toby pulls him aside and quietly asks, "You're inside, right?" Josh: "On what?" Toby says nothing but just looks at Josh meaningfully until Josh asks, "Leo?" Toby mentions the nervousness Josh and Jed exhibited before Leo took the stand, and the fact that a recess was suddenly called. Toby says, "I don't know what was going on...that's okay, that's the way somebody wants it...but you're inside, right?" Josh admits that he is. Toby's glad to hear it, and says, "If it's something Communications is going to have to work with...." Josh says the lawyers are working on it. Toby says, "When I have to know, I will." Josh agrees. There's a weird feeling between them; I think Josh is incredibly uncomfortable being in any loop that his closest friends and colleagues are not also in. But they part on a lighter note: Toby says, "Paid family leave," referring to Josh's plan, and Josh goes away smiling to himself.
POTUS walks out of his office and up to Charlie's desk. He asks Charlie how his weekend was, and what he did. Charlie reminds Jed that he spent most of it at work with him. Jed: "Time well spent." But Charlie says he also managed to go to a flea market, and got something for Jed. Jed says Charlie didn't have to do that, but you just know he's tickled. Charlie pulls out a big, rolled-up piece of paper, and unrolls it, saying, "It's a map of the Holy Land that was drawn in 1709. It's titled 'Canaan, Palestine, or The Holy Land.'" I want to know the name and address of any flea market selling three-hundred-year-old maps for prices a guy on Charlie's salary (and with Charlie's legal bills) can afford, because I've got a lot of furniture and tchotchkes to buy for this house of mine, and I need all the breaks I can get. Maybe Charlie got a little creative with the White House colour copier. Also: is it the normal procedure to roll up a map that ostensibly valuable? I don't believe it's real good for the paper, although it's certainly better than folding. Jed is impressed and says, "Nice sucking up!" Indeed. Charlie: "Thank you, sir." Jed: "Look at these topographical details." He's excited, and says he's going to have it framed. Charlie suggests that Jed leave it there, and he'll send it out. Jed's not ready to leave it yet; he wants to "play with it some more." Leo arrives and Jed proudly shows Leo the map. Leo says it's beautiful. Jed asks if Leo wants to come into his office; he does.
Jed thanks Charlie again, and he and Leo go into the Oval Office as Jed rolls up the map. Jed asks how Leo's meeting went last night, and Leo says it was nothing. Jed wants to know what they offered. Leo says it was nothing. Jed says, "They didn't offer 'nothing.'" Leo insists, "It was a non-starter. Don't worry about it." Jed: "Censure?" Leo: "Yeah." He starts mentioning some meetings he has to go to as Jed looks slightly sadder. Jed says he's got a security briefing to go to, and Leo asks if there's anything else. There isn't.
Leo leaves and wanders into his office, where he finds Jordan waiting for him. She says, "Hi. Remember me?" Leo yells for Margaret. Jordan continues, "I was the one with you last night when you went to the meeting." Leo says, "Yes." Jordan: "When you left the meeting, I was not with you." Margaret comes in, and Leo asks, "Is it just an open house in here?" Margaret defensively says, "The whole system's gotten out of hand!" Leo says, "Yeah." Margaret throws Jordan an annoyed glance and leaves, closing the door behind her. Between Jenny, Mallory, Margaret, and Jordan, could this man be any more surrounded by redheads? Wasn't that Russian ambassador who hit on him a redhead? Jordan mildly says, "You left without me." Leo explains, "Well, if you're going to make a strong exit, you really can't wait for someone to get their purse together." Jordan says, "How long does it take to get a purse together?" Leo: "A question I've been asking my entire adult life." Jordan says: "It's a non-binding resolution. Do you know what that means?" Leo: "No. Could you tell me, 'cause I've really started to take an interest in government lately." Snerk. Jordan insists that the resolution would not have any force and effect; none whatsoever. She then reads him some examples of non-binding Joint Resolutions from the 106th Congress, which include a resolution in support of Ohio's state motto; one fostering friendship and cooperation with the people of Mongolia; one recognizing the contributions of Bristol, Tennessee to the development of country music; and one in support of Little League baseball. Also one stating that Allison Janney kicks more ass before breakfast than most of us will in our entire lifetimes. No, just kidding about the last one. Throughout all this, Leo keeps saying he has a meeting. Finally, he says, "This isn't that! This is 535 Congressmen and Senators standing up and saying, 'The President lied and should be ashamed of himself.' And this is us, standing up and saying, 'You're right.' This would be the first time in history a President has been censured. Congress isn't talk radio. It's the seat of democracy, their opinion matters, and their condemnation doesn't have to come with handcuffs to be devastating to this President. That is the force and effect, and it's not gonna happen 'cause of me." He walks out, saying, "I have a budget meeting, Jordan." She says nothing as she watches him go. And we're at the first commercial break already.
Sam finds Toby in the Mess, reading the newspaper. He asks Toby how he's doing with the chapters he was assigned; Toby says he's done and he's fine with them. He gathers up his things and walks out as Sam follows him, asking, "What do you mean?" Toby repeats that he's fine with it, and Sam asks, "You're saying it's all true?" Toby says hardly any of it is true. Sam says, "Then it's not true." Toby replies, "Well, my name is Toby Ziegler and I'm the Communications Director, though there's a typo in 'Communications' at one point. Perhaps -- perhaps -- perhaps I mumble from time to time." Bwah! "But 'prickly'? I do not think so." He chortles a bit, adding, "Nonetheless. I'm fine with it." Sam insists that he needs a fact/fiction paper. Toby says he really would rather not have one over his signature. Sam says the clock is ticking: "It has to get discredited before it's real." Why is this primarily Sam's problem? Wouldn't this fall more to C.J. and her staff? ["I guess we find out the answer to that one later in the episode." -- Wing Chun] Toby says that he remembers the author of this book as a "not very talented, not very pleasant malcontent who wasn't here very long," and wonders if he's remembering the right guy. Sam says he is. Toby states, "Yeah, well, I don't want him to know I remember him at all." Sam says, "That's nice. Now if we can only get 200 million other people to think that way." Sam claims that "conventional wisdom in Washington is like concrete: it hardens. There's nothing you can do about it." Toby asks if there's anything in particular in Toby's chapters that's bothering Sam. In fact, there is: Sam is annoyed about a claim that he and Toby were sent out of the Oval Office to write an introduction for a Teacher of the Year ceremony while others stayed for a serious discussion on Latin America. And what actually happened, according to Sam, is that he and Toby left to write a major education address instead of hanging around while White House operators attempted to connect POTUS with the President of Ecuador, the latter of whom was calling to complain about the resolution of some banana crisis. Toby is straightening up his previously loosened tie as he listens to all of this, and Sam concludes, "We weren't sent out of the room! Will you put that down in a memo?" Toby softly says, "Yeah," and privately wonders exactly what it is that's eating Sam so fiercely.
Sam takes off, and Toby goes over to the Oval Office, where Charlie tells him that Jed will be ready for him in just a minute. Toby perches on the edge of Mrs. Landingham's desk; after a moment's hesitation, he asks Charlie, "On Carol's birthday, did you happen to attend a séance where they tried to contact Margaret's grandmother?" Charlie gives him just the sort of look you'd expect. ["You think? I thought he looked a tiny bit guilty. Also, aw! Charlie goes to birthday parties with the other assistants!" -- Wing Chun] Toby says, "No, right?" Jed buzzes Charlie to let him know Toby can come in. Charlie gives Toby another weird look as Toby goes into the Oval Office.
There are a bunch of people in the Oval Office with Jed. He greets Toby, "There seems to be a growing consensus that no one's going to believe I'm serious about paying down a trillion dollars of the debt when I'm willing to spend $200 billion on the child poverty fund." Toby says he agrees with the growing consensus. Jed replies, "I'm not saying we're not going to do it. We're just going to find a different way of saying we're going to do it." Toby says, "We're on it."
Jed dismisses the meeting, and everyone but Toby leaves. Jed asks what's going on. Toby tells him about having the galleys of this kiss-and-tell book. Jed asks, "Fiction or non-fiction?" Toby replies, "Science fiction, really." Jed asks, "What else?" Toby says that everything else has to do with the State of the Union. Jed shows Toby his map, which is laid out on his desk and weighted down at each corner with one of the many crystal paperweights that are usually on his desk; Jed mentions that it's hand-coloured and copper-engraved. I'm still thinking this map has to have gone for a pretty penny. Jed says he's going to hang it in the outer office. Toby says no. Jed asks why. Toby says that some people are going to find it offensive, because it doesn't recognize Israel. Jed points out, "It was drawn in 1709. There was no Israel. Israel wouldn't happen for another 250 years." Well, never let the facts get in the way of some good umbrage, I always say. Toby knows all that. Jed asks, "So what's the problem with the map?" Toby: "Some people are going to find it offensive." Jed: "Why?" Toby: "It doesn't recognize Israel." Me: "How many times are we going to have to do this?" ["Me: 'Aren't there any less boring ways to pad out an hour?'" -- Wing Chun] Jed tells Toby to get lunch. As Toby leaves, he tells Jed, "Your favourite movie was on TV last night." Jed recites: "'By God, I'm fifty, alive, and a king, all at the same time.'" He's referring to The Lion in Winter. Toby says he turned it on just as they got to the scene when Richard, Geoffrey, and John are locked in the dungeon and Henry is coming down to execute them. Wait, Toby was at home? With time to watch television? Hmm. Wait, during the preparation for the State of the Union? Well, maybe he was watching in his office. That seems more likely. Toby continues, "Richard tells his brothers not to cower, but to take it like men, and Geoffrey says, 'You fool! As if it matters how a man falls down!' And Richard says..." And here Jed starts quoting the line along with Toby, "'When the fall is all that's left...'" And then Toby stops speaking and Jed finishes, "'It matters a great deal.'" Toby repeats, "'It matters a great deal.'" He smiles a wee bit. Jed asks, "You trying to tell me something?" Toby says, "No, Mr. President, of course not." Jed looks like he doesn't believe it, but says, "Okay." Toby leaves. He may not be inside, but he sure seems to know what's going on anyway.
We see Donna hustling back to her cubicle as the phone rings. Josh is propped up against a filing cabinet in the background doing...well, doing nothing, as far as I can tell. Donna answers the phone and says, "Hi, Amy! It's Donna Moss." As soon as Josh hears that, he takes a couple of big strides toward his office saying, as he passes Donna, "I'll take it! I'll take it. That's for me." Donna: "Yeah, I'm not sure if he's in, Amy, let me check." Josh whispers, "Press 'hold,' and I will pick up the phone in my office." Donna covers the mouthpiece and says, "I'm sorry, how does the telephone work again?" Josh bangs the desk or the door frame or something -- I can't see exactly what -- in irritation, and glares at Donna. Donna tells Amy to hang on. Josh quickly skips into his office as Donna smirks to herself.
Josh picks up the phone. Amy says that her office told her Josh called. We see her on an exercycle of some sort at a gym, pedalling furiously and slurping water. The background noise prompts Josh to ask, "Are you wrestling with someone right now? You in the middle of a match or something?" She says she's at the gym. He says she spends a lot of time at the gym, compared to him, and adds that they need to talk about something. She asks, "What's that?" Josh doesn't say anything for so long that Amy prompts him, "Josh?" He looks almost as if he's slipped into a trance, then quickly pulls himself together and spits out, "Paid family leave." To try to cover, he says, "Sorry, there was a dog in here for a second." Oh, good story, man. Amy, confused: "A dog?" Josh: "A nice one. It was...okay." Amy wants to know what he wants to say about paid family leave. He says he would like to talk in person, and asks if there's any chance she can get together with him. She asks if he can have a late drink tonight, and he says, "Yes, as late as you like." She suggests meeting at the Ritz-Carlton at 11:00 PM, following a date to the ballet she has to attend. Josh says he doesn't want to bust up her date, and you can tell he's simultaneously chagrined to find out she has a date, but pleased to learn she is also willing to blow the guy off for an eleven o'clock meeting with Josh. They confirm it and hang up.
We see Leo return to his office and collect his messages from Margaret, who tells him she's moving a four o'clock meeting with Treasury, that they're expecting eighteen inches of snow by morning (in Washington? Does that happen much?), and that Jordan Kendall is still in his office. So basically, Leo's paying her several hundred dollars an hour to hang around his office while he is unavailable for consultation. Or something like that. I want a gig like that.
As Leo enters, Jordan doesn't say hello but continues reading off examples of trivial resolutions. Leo yells for Margaret. Jordan says, "I'm sorry. Was our meeting over?" Margaret appears, and Leo tells her to close the door. She does, and Jordan says, "A resolution remembering the life of George Washington. 'Cause there was a chance we were gonna forget who he was. 'What's that tall thing at the end of the Mall?' 'I don't know. A monument to somebody?' 'Where are we again?'" Leo tries to say something, but Jordan's not going to be deterred this time: "No. The opinion of Congress matters? Yes. And they're rattling it off every day on television." Leo: "It's not the opinion...." Jordan: "Your reputation is saved --" Leo: "My reputation isn't --" Jordan: "He put you on the hot seat. This is not your thing!" Leo, vehement: "It is my thing, and I'm sorry, but I can't allow you to talk like that in here." Jordan: "I wasn't seeking your permission! You need to get --" Leo firmly replies, "You need to get that I am the White House Chief of Staff." Jordan asks, "And how much longer do you think you're going to be able to keep that job if you tell the story they're going to make you tell? Play the tape through to the end, Leo!" She has a point. Leo insists that it's not his decision. Jordan thinks it is: "In fact, I know it. And you know it, too." She says she has a meeting, and gets up to leave, gently putting her hand on Leo's shoulder as she walks past him. The camera moves around so that we see the framed napkin reading "Bartlet for America" sitting upright in a holder on Leo's desk. Leo's out of focus in the background, leaning back in his chair, his hand fidgeting slightly.
After the commercials, Carol comes by Donna's desk; Donna asks why she's still there. Carol says that C.J.'s there. Donna asks, "The book?" Carol confirms it. Donna wonders whether Carol knows if it's started snowing yet. Carol says it hasn't. Donna wonders how there's supposed to be eighteen inches by the morning if it hasn't started yet. Carol replies, "Accumulates by a magnitude, does a thing, I don't know." "Accumulates by a magnitude"? Is that something real? I'll have to ask Frink. Donna calls out for Josh, saying he wanted her to let him know when it was 10:45 PM. He breezes out with his coat on, saying, "See ya." Donna says, "I'll get home fine..." He comes back and asks what the problem is. She says, "It's not fit for man nor beast out there." Well, then we're okay, 'cause Josh is basically a boy. Josh asks whether it's started snowing. You know, last I checked, this building was outfitted with windows. Real ones -- the kind you can look out of and see the world. (As a favourite .sig file once advised: "Go outside. The graphics are amazing.") Donna informs him, "It accumulates by a magnitude." As he leaves again, the phone rings, and Donna asks, "You want this?" He says he doesn't. She answers. It's for her, anyway: it's Clifford, the Big Red Dog. No, it's just plain old Cliff Calley. He says he needs her to meet him right now, and that no one else must know about it. She wants to know why. He says it's not social. She refuses. He says there's nothing illegal about it. She wonders how she's supposed to know that. He says he's a lawyer. She replies, "You're not my lawyer." Well, apparently she's learned something from all this. But you just know she'll go. He says he'll be at the Georgetown Law Library in the federal case law section in twenty minutes. She says, "Cliff, I'm a senior assistant; this is way over my head and it doesn't feel right. I can't go Deep Throating in the middle..." She notices he doesn't seem to be there anymore. She tries to elicit a response, but there's no answer, and she hangs up, distressed.
Charlie shows C.J. into the Oval Office. Jed's poring over paperwork. She begins, "Well, this might sound ridiculous...." Jed, not looking up from his work: "Let's lay odds." C.J. mentions that he knows they're vetting this book, and reads a quote indicating that apparently it's well-known that, in order to have a son after having his first two daughters, Bartlet allegedly consulted a book about how to choose the sex of your baby, which advised that the prospective father avoid jockey shorts, jockstraps, and other tight-fitting clothes. Both C.J. and Jed look over their reading glasses at each other when she finishes with this. Jed says nothing for a moment and then carefully asks, "Yeah?" C.J.: "So I can put you down for a 'no'?" Jed replies, "When you're going to be a father, you're rooting for ten fingers and ten toes, and that's it." Or, as my brother-in-law put it when my sister was expecting my perfect and adorable niece and I teasingly asked if they had a preference for a daughter or a son: "Anything, as long as it doesn't have flippers!" C.J. thanks Jed and starts to leave, but then he tells her to wait, because he wants to show her his wonderful map. He comes out from behind his desk, and she says, "I know, but you can't put it up in the West Wing." They basically have the same conversation he and Toby had about it, and Jed thinks it's ridiculous. C.J. says, "You know what would be great?" Jed: "If I put it someplace else?" C.J.: "Yes!" Jed: "Leo has, in what used to be his house when he was married, a map of the United States. The first third of it is the original thirteen colonies. The second third of it is the French territory of Louisiana. And the third third is Mexico. In this there's not a single state. That's because, when this map was made, there was no United States. I am the President of the United States and I'm not offended by it!" C.J.: "Well, you're bigger than ten men, sir. What do you say we put it out of the way?"
As Charlie enters, Jed replies, "I'm having it enlarged and bolted to the hood of my limo!" He gestures with the rolled-up map. He complains to Charlie, "They don't want us to put up our map, Charlie. They're Philistines in the fight for freedom, but that doesn't bother us, does it?" He pronounces it "Phili-steins," rather than "Phili-steens." Charlie gives him a look much like the one he gave Toby about the séance and says, "Huh?" Jed says, "Never mind." C.J. says, "It's not like I'm agreeing with the people who are going to be offended. It's just that you're asking for a whole lot of pain, in exchange for which you get nothing but an old map." Jed: "That's the key! An old map, an old map! Spin that." C.J.: "See, now you've got me out there spinning things." Jed asks if there's anything else. C.J.: "You didn't have special underwear, right?" Charlie gives C.J. another questioning look. Jed thanks her and she leaves. Charlie gives Jed a weird look as he hands him the file. I think somebody needs a raise and a vacation.
At the Law Library, Donna finds Cliff. He thanks her and explains that he needs her to set up a meeting for him and Josh. It can be on the phone, but it has to happen right away. She asks if that's why his office has been calling all day. He says he and Donna wouldn't be at the library if she had returned the calls. She says, "I return the calls Josh tells me to." They find seats. He says he needs to talk to Josh and can't tell her why. She claims she can't, and that she can't let Josh know she spoke to Cliff. Then what are you doing there? Cliff says there's no jeopardy here. Well, all the secrecy probably isn't going to help convince her of that. She says she'd be going behind the backs of the people in Counsel's Office, Legislative Affairs.... Cliff claims to be trying to help Leo. Donna skeptically asks, "Since when are you in the business of trying to help Leo McGarry?" Suddenly, she puts the pieces together and figures out that Cliff is the one who got the recess called. He tries to deny it and cover it up. Donna asks what was about to happen. He can't tell her. She knows it was him, and gets a bit gooshy for a moment thinking about what a swell guy Cliff really is. She announces, "I'm leaving now. Wait by your phone."
Swanky hotel bar. Amy is slouched in a chair. She's wearing an off-the-shoulder, somewhat low-cut black velvet gown and a sparkly necklace. Her hair is loose and straight. Josh arrives and asks how the ballet was. She says it was wonderful, but doesn't tell him which one it was. She asks if he knows ballet. He says he knows The Nutcracker, but he's never seen a ballet. What about all that stuff about wanting to be a ballerina, Josh? You should tell Amy that. She'll no doubt be impressed to hear that you're not limited by sexual stereotyping in your occupational choices. Amy says there are others. Josh replies, "But I should start with The Nutcracker, right?" Amy: "You don't like the ballet." He admits it. She says, "And you've reached that conclusion without ever having been to one." Well, much like you have formed all your opinions about prostitution without apparently ever having talked to the many sex-trade workers who actually freely choose to do the work. Josh responds, "I've never been to Bosnia, either, Amy, but I don't think I'm gonna go." Amy, flirtatiously: "You don't mind sending Marines, though, do you?" Josh: "Not a bit."
An attractive waiter comes over and asks for Josh's drink order. She's tall, blonde, slender, and dressed in a low-cut, tight, black dress. She leans down toward Josh, who is sitting. Josh orders an Absolut martini on the rocks with two olives. Amy asks, "What do you want, J?" Josh tells her that paid family leave isn't going to happen, at least not this year. Amy sips her drink through a straw and says she knows all that. Josh keeps telling her they can't go for it, and Amy, confused, informs him that her organization's lobbyist asked the government not to go for it. She's bemused, already having more or less figured out that this meeting can't really be about paid family leave. Josh asks, in a way that attempts to be casual but comes across as much more strained than that, "Who was the date?" She says it's the guy she's been seeing. Josh: "And he likes the ballet?" Amy replies, "He likes me." Josh: "I think he likes the ballet." Amy wants to know what that's supposed to mean.
Back at the White House, Jed's still working at his desk when Charlie asks if he can see Sam. When Sam enters, Jed comments, "Everyone's working late." Sam says, "I live here in January." Because of the State of the Union, I presume. ["Or maybe the threatened eighteen inches of snow." -- Wing Chun] Jed asks Sam how it's going; Sam thinks it's going okay, but doesn't really seem to know and doesn't want to talk about that, anyway. Sam mentions the book. Jed replies, "I heard. Look, I'm really not going to talk to you about my underwear." Sam: "That's...disappointing, Mr. President. But I wanted to ask you: the guy claims that, while you don't poll on matters of foreign policy, that at the first formal meeting of the Joint Chiefs, you upbraided them for bloated Pentagon spending and told them that 73% of the public was with you on it. I don't remember any such poll being done, do you?" Jed doesn't remember it, but points out that doesn't mean it wasn't. Sam asks whether Jed remembers saying anything like that at the meeting. Jed doesn't. Sam wonders whether Jed could have said anything like that; Jed doesn't even remember the meeting. Sam thanks him and starts to leave. Jed off-handedly asks, as Sam's walking out, "Why does it matter?" Sam replies, "Well, 'cause I don't think it's such a good idea to be casual about the truth." Jed, looking over his glasses at Sam: "Neither do I." Sam thanks him and leaves. The camera rests on Jed at his desk, surrounded by paperwork, reflecting on what Sam said.
After more commercials, Josh arrives at the White House. It's now five minutes after midnight on Tuesday morning. He finds Leo alone in the Mess. Josh asks him what he's doing down there; Leo claims, "Change of scenery. What are you doing?" Josh says he'd like to talk to Leo about the deal he was offered. Leo looks at him for a moment, finally saying, "Please, keep your voice down." As they sit down, Josh says, "There's nobody here, and my voice is down." Leo wants to know whom Josh has been talking to. When Leo finds out it was Cliff, he wants to know how Josh got hooked up with him. Josh says it doesn't matter. Leo says it does. Josh says, "I'm not pushing you, okay? I just want to hear your reasons." Leo wants to hear Josh's reasons. Josh lists them: "Gets it over and done, instead of dragging it through the primary season. Moreover, you don't take the stand on Monday." Leo says it's ridiculous to think that this would end it: "All it means is that we'll go down in history." Josh counters, "It's a press release." Leo pulls out an anecdote: "When the British ambassador told the German foreign minister that they were going to war over Belgium's violation of the neutrality treaty, the German foreign minister said, 'You're going to war over a piece of paper?' It is an historical judgement. Andrew Jackson knew that." Josh: "Jackson was censured?" Leo: "Over the Bank of the U.S." Josh replies, "Guess what? I didn't know that." Leo asks, "What's your point?" Josh argues, "History forgets these things." Leo: "Presidents don't. They never get over it. This one...won't. He'd act like it's fine, but...he'd never get over it." Well, that might just be Jed's cross to bear. Leo concludes, "So...that's my reason." Josh knows he can't argue with Leo's friendship and loyalty. He leaves, and Leo goes back to whatever he was working on.
Toby's in C.J.'s office, reading the paper, munching on something, and telling her, "McTeer shot one for twenty-three from the field last night. Missed his first eighteen attempts." We can see outside C.J.'s window, and it looks as if it's the middle of the day, although it should be the middle of the night. Toby continues, "Wouldn't you think after the first seventeen misses, the coach would say, 'Mickey, this isn't your night'?" C.J. asks, "You don't have work to do?" He claims he has lots of work to do. C.J.: "And?" Toby: "Can't rush these things." C.J.: "Oh." Toby: "One for twenty-three. That's exactly one better than my mother would have done and she's been dead for twelve years."
Someone knocks; it's Sam. He says that he asked POTUS about that meeting with the Joint Chiefs, but that Jed didn't remember whether they did a poll. Sam sits down, slightly dejected. Toby, about to take a drink of beer, says he doesn't remember, either. Sam starts to get testy, and they bicker a bit about how long ago it was and how many polls ago before Sam finally says, "We can't sit on the -- I'm sorry -- we can't sit on the sidelines and ignore this crap. I'm not going to." C.J. looks up. Sam: "Why am I the only one taking this seriously?" Toby says, "That's a reasonable question, and we should explore that for a minute." Sam says: "It's not the reason you think." It's not that you've become one of the funnel people? Toby points out Sam hired the guy. ["Which is why, I think, vetting the book has become Sam's job rather than C.J.'s: Sam's made it so." -- Wing Chun] Sam says he did, but insists that's not the reason: "Legitimate news organizations are going to cover this, to say nothing of the people who hate us, who are going to run it over, over, over, over, over....The guy was here for three minutes and he was fired. He is not credible. I'm a lawyer and I'm telling you, that has to be made clear. Every time he makes a factual mistake, we gotta come out with a press release! Every time he misquotes or misidentifies anyone, we need to have an affidavit swearing to the truth if there's a comma in the wrong place." Someone really needs a vacation.
Sam continues frothing at the mouth and gets up to pace around: "He needs to be killed, until he is dead, and he needs to be killed again, or he is going to keep biting at our ankles and I mean all through the campaign! He needs to be a joke, or we're going to be." Maybe you should bust him like a piñata while you're at it, dude. Suddenly, C.J. starts snapping her fingers, and she sings, "'Boy, boy, crazy boy, keep cool, boy...'" (from West Side Story, I believe ["Yes." -- Wing Chun]). It's an odd moment, and briefly C.J. rubs me the wrong way, for probably the first (and one hopes, the last) time in the history of this show. Because I don't care to have the perfection of C.J. messed with too much. But it just seems slightly insensitive -- too flippant -- considering how upset Sam is. Sam says, "I'm not screwing around." C.J.: "Neither am I. Sit down." Sam sits down, declaring, "I'm not going to be a victim of this." C.J. says, "Let me tell you something I've learned in my years. There are victims of fires. There are victims of car accidents. This kind of thing, there are no victims -- just volunteers. Of course we'll get in the game. I'll talk to the editors of the major papers, but we're not going to publicly refute every bogus charge. First of all, there are too many of them. Second of all, I'm not going to give this guy and his book the weight of the White House. As far as the press is concerned, I've read the book because I had to. You have a vague recollection of the guy, but he wasn't here long enough to make a lasting impression. Have you read the book? Of course not. You're too busy doing a job." Sam listens patiently and replies, "While you're convincing the Post and the Times that it's ridiculous..." C.J.: "Sam! Once again, we don't know what's going on in the Oval Office. Obviously there's a problem. When it's our turn to worry about it, they won't be shy about telling us. Let's not fixate on the knuckleheaded stuff we think we can fix in the meantime. And it feels a lot like...that's what you're doing." Sam takes this in, turns to Toby, and asks, "Are you inside?" Toby says, "Josh is. But let me ask you this: a guy shoots one for twenty-three from the field." Sam: "McTeer?" Toby: "Yeah. But he goes eight for eight from the foul line. My question is, why are you fouling this guy at all? I'd just get out of his way and point him toward the basket." Sam: "Yeah." Someone reassure me that there are people other than me who are able to apprehend the world (for years on end, mind you) with less liberal use of sports metaphors and anecdotes. C.J. asks, "So we're done talking about this now?" Sam ignores her and asks Toby, "Is there any beer?" C.J.: "You two have offices?" Toby says the beer's out in the fridge. Sam rises to get his beer, glances out the window, and mentions it's started snowing. So the windows do work!
Josh walks down the street toward his apartment building. There are approximately six snowflakes wafting down from the heavens. Better lay in supplies. As he nears his steps, he sees Amy sitting there bundled up with a red coat over her black velvet dress, looking cold. He slows as he approaches the steps, and she says, "You owe me half a million dollars and a drink." Josh replies, "I paid for the drinks." She relents: "All right: five hundred grand." He asks her what she's doing there. Amy: "Why? Do you live here?" He softly says that he does. He sits down on the steps to her. I love how people on TV and in movies are always content to sit on cold concrete for periods of time that would normally turn one's hindquarters into a field for cryogenic experimentation in pretty short order. Me, I come from a frozen northland where nobody sits on cold cement or concrete or stone in the winter unless it's absolutely required. He apologizes again for having to run out on her, and tells her that he still can't explain why. She asks whether it's a matter of national security. He says it isn't. She asks if he would tell her if it was. He says he wouldn't. She says, "You didn't talk to me much at school." He amiably says, "You were having quite a bit of sex with Chris." She says, "There were times I wasn't." Josh explains, "I studied a lot in school. I studied hard in high school and at Harvard and in law school. My IQ doesn't break the bank, and I wanted to do this, so I studied all the time. And I missed something, or it's like I skipped a year, 'cause I never learned what you do after you think you like somebody...what you do . And every -- everybody did learn. A lot of other people, anyway." Awww. But also: you're fortysomething, dude. Pull. It. Together. Already. Amy seems charmed or mollified or sympathetic or some combination thereof. Josh says he didn't walk out tonight; when his phone rings at that hour, it's something important: "And not important to me...important. And I'm not puffing myself so...." Amy interrupts: "You know what? Maybe not so much for you with the talking." Aww, she brought the Yiddish. (The syntax, I'm talking about.) Then Amy leans in and kisses Josh. I go to the forums to see if Josh's fans are freaking out enough to post mid-show. They're not. I assume they're all shellshocked. So's Josh who, as far as we know, hasn't been kissed since he was with Mandy. (Did he ever kiss Joey? Can't remember right now, but I don't think so.) When Amy pulls away, Josh sits there for a moment with his eyes closed. She thanks him for the drink, gets up, and walks away. He watches her go. A lot of people watching each other walk away in this episode, it seems. A few more snowflakes fall.
Oval Office. Jed wanders over to Leo's door and knocks. He opens the door and invites Leo to step into his office for a second. Leo comes in, putting on his jacket as he enters, and asks Jed, "Are you up reading?" Jed replies, "Yeah. No. A little bit. Mostly I've been talking with Babish and some of the deputies. The Chairman, Trent, the Speaker, the Minority Leader...." Leo gets the picture and says, "No." Jed: "Yeah, I'm going to do it." Leo: "Sir...." Jed, firmly: "Yeah." Leo replies, "It doesn't get Abby off the hook. She's still going to have to deal with the AMA." As she should. She broke rules she knew very well applied to her. Jed knows that. Leo argues that it doesn't get them off the hook for the campaign: "It's just a different-looking stage weight around our ankle, and now it comes with a Congressional Seal. It doesn't give us any room to argue the point. We've got two, maybe as many as three dozen House Democrats in tight races, and you've still got MS." Jed doesn't say anything, but sits down in one of the side chairs. He rubs his face. Leo sits, too. Leo says, "Doing this to save me the embarrassment I've got coming to me is about the dumbest reason I can..." Jed interjects: "There's another reason." Leo: "What?" Jed: "I was wrong. I was! I was just...I was wrong. Come on, you know that! Lots of times we don't know what right or wrong is, but lots of times we do, and come on, this is one. I may not have had sinister intent at the outset, but there were plenty of opportunities for me to make it right. No one in government takes responsibility for anything anymore. We foster, we obfuscate, we rationalize: 'Everybody does it.' That's what we say. So we come to occupy a moral safe house where everyone's to blame so no one's guilty." Well. It's. About. Freaking. Time. Jed sighs. "I'm to blame. I was wrong." Leo leans back in his chair and thinks for a moment. "You ready for a Joint Resolution?" Jed replies, "As a matter of fact, it's not a Joint Resolution. The President still has to sign a Joint Resolution, so technically it's a Concurrent Resolution. House Concurrent Resolution 172. The lawyers will haggle over the wording in the few days. So at least I'll make history, huh?" Leo says, "No. I thought so, too, until I was talking to Josh. Andrew Jackson, 1834." Jed puts on his jacket with his patented coat flip.
As Jed and Leo walk out onto the portico, Jed says, "He was censured in '34; he got it expunged in '36." Leo allows: "Good point." Jed lights a cigarette. Sigh. And here I was, all ready to take him back. Leo remarks that it's not that cold out. Jed: "No. Let me ask you something. You may be the last sane voice around here...." Leo interrupts to say, "Hang on, before I forget: that map that Charlie gave you...make sure you don't put it where people can see it." Jed groans, "I don't believe this...." Leo says, "Recognizing Israel's a pretty hot button, wouldn't you say?" Jed: "In Lebanon. Not here." They sit on a wrought-iron bench looking out at the sky. Jed continues, "It's not like I was thinking, 'God, I was gonna recognize Israel, but now that I've seen this map....' You know what? Let's just sit here quietly." Leo: "Yes, sir." Jed's and Leo's friendship has to be one of the deepest portrayals of male friendship I've ever seen anywhere. The camera stays on the two of them sitting there in silence as we hear a voice-over from the Speaker of the House: "'Would the Secretary read House Concurrent Resolution 172?' 'Whereas, in his conduct of the Office of the President of the United States, Josiah Bartlet has engaged in a course of deceitful and dishonest conduct designed to impede and deny the disclosure of vital matters of public concern, the United States Congress hereby condemns him for acting in a manner contrary to his trust as President to the great prejudice of the cause of justice and to the manifest injury of the American people.'"
"When the fall is all that's left, it matters a great deal."