By Deborah
Shout-outs to tricky_nicky and Rhiannon. Dimenhydrinate warning: lotsa ShakyCam this episode, along with some SwirlyCam.
Tuesday, 7:25 AM. Leo is in Toby's office apprising him that Jed is suddenly having a crisis of confidence, revising answers in his head, second-guessing himself... Toby's confused; when Toby left him, POTUS was totally ready. Toby can't understand what's happened. Leo insists that Jed's not ready. Toby: "This isn't supposed to happen with you people." Leo: "Christians?" Toby: "Yes." Um, huh? Don't know where that came from. Toby asks, "What happened to 'steady as she goes'?" The central tenet of Christianity, apparently. Leo says, "A smart guy said Presidential elections are won and lost on one square foot of real estate: up here." He points to his forehead. Toby thinks that's just great. He says they still have a day and a half before the debates, and that they'll just go back to school. Leo thinks that will only make things worse.
Toby and Leo start out for the Oval Office as Toby asks what Leo wants to do. Leo says they've got a two-minute drill right now: "Whatever answers he gives, we should just say, 'That's terrific, Mr. President.'" Toby wonders what the point of the drill is, then. Leo says there are five scheduled before the debate, and that they're using one of them for this. Toby walks out of his office saying it's crazy. Leo reminds him, "'That's terrific, Mr. President.'" They run into Sam, and Toby tells him that, in the drill, they're only doing positive reinforcement. Sam accepts this and tells Leo as he goes into his office that he's got a 9:30 flight (although oddly, the closed captioning says "11:00") and that he'll be there sometime after lunch. Leo calls out, "You really can't do this with a phone call?" Sam doesn't know: "The man died. There's a widow. We're asking them to pack. I'm an hour and fifteen minutes away in a rental car and we didn't make it personal?" Leo says all right, but says he needs Sam in San Diego. Toby, Leo, and Sam run into Josh in the hall, where Leo tells Josh, "We're still looking for ten words." Josh says he's still looking for them, too. Leo: "Ten words, ten words, let's go!"
Everyone arrives in the area outside the Oval Office, where C.J.'s already waiting. Toby instructs everyone: "No notes during this drill." Josh wants to know why. Toby: "He's in his head." Isn't that a good thing, in a President? Josh says there is some pretty important feedback to be given during these two-minute drills. Toby says there are four more drills, including one on the plane. As some other people leave the Oval Office, C.J. asks when Debbie's actually starting. Leo explains that POTUS sent her to a three-day crash course "in everything" at the Maxwell School. Gee, I hope she's still got a job after the election, after all the trouble they've taken to repeatedly interview her, convince her to work there, overlook the security issues, and now train her. What if Bartlet loses? Yeah, as if. Toby points out to C.J. that she has a ten-dollar bill clipped to her clipboard. C.J. "Yeah, I owe it to someone." Charlie tells them they can all go in.
Bartlet says, "Ten words. Ten words," as they enter. Josh tells him they don't have them yet. Jed wants to do a drill. C.J. asks a question about funding a missile-defense shield. Jed: "Too much money for too little protection." Josh asks about opposition to school vouchers. Jed says he hasn't given up on the goal of better schools for everybody, and that vouchers drain money from that goal. Toby's turn: "Mr. President, this question's on capital punishment, which you oppose. If your youngest daughter Zoey were raped and murdered, would you go all Charles-Bronson-in-Death Wish on the guy's ass?" Actually, he says, "If your youngest daughter Zoey was raped and murdered, would you not want to see the man responsible put to death?" You know, I know this is just the sort of question people like to ask candidates because it's provocative and upsetting, but I must say have a problem with the idea that people who are not the candidate (however closely related) have to endure reporters and other people casually floating the scenario of their rape and murder. Anyway, Jed says, "First of all, it's important to understand the President doesn't make that decision, though he appoints the Supreme Court Justices who do so..." He trails off, not satisfied with that trajectory. Toby shoots Leo a nervous look, and shifts himself anxiously. Jed tries again: "No, I'm not going to say that. I'll just go right to....No, I don't. I think you know that I'm opposed...." He sighs. "Let's not do that." Then: "I haven't seen any evidence that it's a deterrent, and there are more effective..." Josh and C.J. look concerned. Jed catches himself and tries again: "In my state..."
Toby can't take it anymore and quietly says, "Oh, my God." Jed: "What?" Toby to Leo: "You weren't kidding." To Jed: "What's the matter with you? When I left you...I just mentioned your daughter being murdered and you're giving us an answer that's not only soporific, it's barely human! Yes, you'd want to see him put to death; yes, you'd want it to be cruel and unusual, which is why it's probably a good idea that fathers of murder victims don't have legal rights in these situations!" (Even though, in some circumstances, relatives of victims now do have rights.) He's shouting by now. Jed's looking a mixture of indignant, chastised, and anxious. Toby continues, even more loudly: "Now, we're going back to school!" Leo gives Jed a serious, wary look. Jed just kind of glares at Toby. No one speaks. C.J. cracks first, erupting into sputtering laughter, as everyone else busts a gut, too. Toby doesn't know what hit him. Jed taps the desk, "Let's go. Ten bucks." People keep cackling as Toby just looks bewildered. It slowly sinks into him that he's been had. Sam puts down his money. Jed: "Crisis of confidence." To Leo: "You did 'one square foot of real estate'?" Leo, gleefully: "Yes, I did." Jed gives him ten bucks and then says to Toby, who's still gobsmacked, "And you, you big bear. Come to me, I'm going to kiss you right on the mouth." Toby's expression -- stunned disbelief -- hasn't changed. He looks a bit like he'd like to punch someone in the face. C.J. tosses her money on the desk as they walk out laughing. I've said it before, but it bears repeating: Allison Janney has the best laugh on television, along with Gillian Anderson, whose laugh, sadly, we got to hear a lot less, since umpteen years chasing Mulder's ass around every half-baked alleged sighting of aliens is a much grimmer business than running the country. As everyone leaves, Leo asks, "Anything else?" As he sweeps the moolah into his desk drawer in one smooth gesture, Jed merrily says, "Work hard." Toby walks out, looking irritated but saying nothing. That was quite amusing, but I would have bought it more without the ten-dollar-bill signal just beforehand. I'm not sure why Sorkin showed us that particular Act One gun. There was no need. Still, nice to see them all laughing their asses off, even if it was at poor Toby's expense.
Outside, Josh wishes Sam a safe trip and apologizes to Toby, saying it was POTUS's idea: "He bet us you couldn't stay quiet if he gave a bad answer." Josh chortles some more. Toby just glares at Josh, who says, "What?" Toby: "He's ready." Game On, kids! Woo! Game on! Credits.
Sam gets out of his rental car in Newport Beach (California's "Colorful Coast" and the 47th Congressional District) at Wilde's campaign office. He struggles to fold up the map (though I would have taken Sam to possess "expert map-folding" among his many geeky skills) and finally gives up, crumpling it and then tossing it. Sam! Litterbug. That was much more Josh-like than Sam-like. He enters the campaign office, which seems to be in an old mattress store ("Mattress World"). Instantly I think of Punch-Drunk Love, where Adam Sandler goes to the mattress store in Utah to have it out with the guy who's making his life miserable through blackmail, with Sam in Adam Sandler's role and Philip Seymour Hoffman as Sorkin, and Sam finally losing it, and the two of them screaming at each other about what a prick the other one is, and Sam emerging triumphant. You just know Sam would get into that whole pudding thing, too. But probably not the phone sex. Well, maybe. He's a complicated man, and no one understands him but his woman...well, if he had one. Maybe not even then.
Where the hell was I? Right, Sam goes into the campaign office, where he encounters an all-growed-up Winnie Cooper (Danica McKellar of The Wonder Years). She's busy and tells him to hang on a second while she interacts hectically with some other staffer. She and Fred Savage are so thoroughly Winnie and Kevin that I don't think I'll ever be able to see them without seeing those characters. The curse of cute child actors, I guess. Sam introduces himself and says that William Bailey's expecting him. As they walk, Sam suddenly says, "Hey! William Bailey. Bill Bailey. I just got that." He kind of sing-songs the "Bill Bailey" part." Winnie says he should definitely mention that to him, since he's probably never heard that reference before. She adds that Bailey goes by "Will." Sam lapses into a very creditable Jimmy-Stewart-as-George-Bailey impression: "Merry Christmas, you old Building and Loan!" Winnie looks unimpressed and says, "That's George Bailey."
Winnie shouts for Will, and Joshua Malina -- with an untied bowtie dangling around his neck -- darts out from behind some mattresses. Now Malina has been in everything Sorkin's done on TV and in film. I like Josh Malina a lot, but am very distracted by the fact that he reminds me so much of Professor Frink's closest cousin. Not as much here as he did in The American President, but all the same, Frink's cousin is like an Indian Josh Malina, if you can imagine that. Anyway, Will gives some staffers (Darren, Sharon, and Karen -- yes, really; maybe Sorkin likes names that rhyme with his) various instructions and then turns his attention to Sam. Winnie peeps over the top of a mattress to tell Will he has two minutes.
Will tells Sam, as he moves some crap off a chair so that Sam can sit down, that there's a press conference he's been trying to study for. Sam says he met Will's assistant, meaning Winnie, and that she's very funny, and attractive, too. He adds, "I hope I'm not being inappropriate." Well, I kind of think he is. I mean, I'd say that to my best friend, if I met her at work -- you know, "Who's the cute new guy answering the phones?" But I don't think I'd comment on the attractiveness of one relative stranger to another relative stranger. Anyway, it's news to Will that he has an assistant. Perhaps, in fact, Winnie's not anybody's assistant. Maybe Sam just made that assumption of the first woman he ran into. Not that anyone ever makes sexist assumptions on this show. No, indeed. Sam says that he brings the White House's condolences on the loss of Wilde. He tells Will they ran a strong campaign, and that they should be proud. Will thanks him and they sit down. Sam asks, "Do you know why I came here?" Will: "Even money that it's not to tell me I ran a strong campaign and I should be proud." Sam says it's not, but that he did, and he should be. Will says he will, once it's over. Sam says it's over. Will says he can't do anything about California election law, and that Wilde's name will stay on the ballot. Sam: "Yes, but you can't keep campaigning without a candidate." Will: "It's a campaign of ideas." Sam: "The candidate died." Will: "But not the ideas. The metaphor alone knocks me down."
Will hollers for Elsie (Winnie). She comes in, and Will says, "I'm getting really cold feet about the bow tie. I know you like it, but for me, it's like my whole world becomes about it. Can we rustle up a real one?" She says yeah and tells him they have to get in the car. She hustles off. Sam cuts to the chase: "The campaign's become embarrassing to us. It's a national joke." Will doesn't say anything, but looks at Sam and then gulps a handful of something -- pills, Vitamins, Good-n-Plentys, who knows -- and takes a drink. Sam says, "Sorry about that." Will takes off, saying he has a press conference. He leaves Sam standing there as he and Elsie hustle out. At the door, Will runs into three little girls, and asks, "Sally and the Suffragettes, what you got?" The middle girl says, "We did the PSA." Yes, in this world, eight-year-olds talk about PSAs. She holds up a pink cardboard sign with writing on it in marker. Will says it's very nice: "But do me a favour, read this for me?" All three girls recite together, "It doesn't matter who you vote for -- make sure you vote!" Here's my PSA: "It doesn't matter who you vote for; the government always gets in." As Sam watches in the background, Will says he likes the sentiment, but that he thinks it does matter whom you vote for, and suggests, "'No matter who you vote for, make sure you vote!" The girls confer non-verbally with each other and agree to that. What the hell was all that for? Just as Will and Winnie/Elsie leave, Sam says he's here for the President. Will says, "I admire the President, Sam, I really do." Sam: "But?" Will: "I don't work for him." I think you'll soon be singing a different song.
It's 4:50 PM. C.J.'s in the Briefing Room with Toby, going over things with the politicians who will be providing post-debate spin. C.J. informs them that the surrogate plane leaves at 9:00 PM, and that they'll see them the day for pre-game. Toby asks to speak to C.J., and adds that he needs Congresswoman Wyatt, too. Andi follows them out of the room. (Administrative note: Yes, that's how I'm spelling it from now on. No, I don't care how it was previously spelled or how they spell it in the scripts or closed captioning.) Out in the hall, Toby tells them, "Bennett's going to spin for Writchie." C.J. yelps, "I could have told you that was going to happen! Hang on -- no, wait -- I did!" Toby: "I find competitiveness so feminine in tall women." Seriously, Sorkin has to be writing this stuff to piss us off. ["Sure -- at this point, why should he interrupt his streak?" -- Wing Chun] That seems like a pretty cheap shot for Toby to take, not to mention that it's an inane remark. C.J.: "On defense?" Toby: "Yeah, on defense! What the hell..." C.J.: "Don't huckle around with me right now, Phyllis! I got a North Carolina Democrat shilling for Writchie on defense! I've gotta get a guy! I need a Republican." She hustles off down the hall. Toby calls after her that she can use Albie Duncan. C.J. comes back, asking if Duncan will really do it. Toby says he will. C.J. reaches Toby again and points her file folder at him, ordering Toby to look at her, and asking if Duncan's not a little bit crazy. Toby: "Albie Duncan? No. No. No. A little bit." Toby assures her she'll see to it that he's great. Toby turns to say something to Andi as C.J. bops him lightly with the file folder and says, "I'm crazy about the roundness of your head." She takes off.
As Momma and Poppa walk toward Toby's office, Andi says, "She's nervous. These things are won and lost in the rooms." Toby: "Not this one." He's sure of it. As they walk along, Andi tells him, "Don't get overconfident." Toby: "That ship's sailed." She puts her hand on her abdomen as Toby explains, "C.J. doesn't like running." Andi: "Why not?" Toby: "Believe it or not, because it takes time away from helping. I really like that about her, don't you?" Andi does. We all do. As they reach his office, Toby opens the door for her and says, "Good. Then marry me again." Andi: "No. What else you got?" Toby suggests making it interesting, and tries to get her to agree that if Bartlet wins the debate, she'll remarry him. Andi: "How about the President wins the debate tomorrow night, he gets elected President again?" Toby: "See, that's the difference between you and me: you're small-time." Andi nods absently as she quietly munches something -- a cracker or digestive biscuit or something. Toby: "And that's why the twins are gonna need their father around full-time. 'Cause your thing would be a terrible trait, a terrible family trait to pass on to little...Beatrice and Bluto." Hee! That wasn't on my list of names in the "Debate Camp" poll, but those are good, too. I'm still partial to "Sacco and Vanzetti," though. Andi says, "I'm naming them Beatrice and Bluto now. I don't care if they're boys or girls." Her indulgent smile speaks volumes about the chemistry between these two. Just kiss already, in the name of all that is holy and right. She asks what Toby needs. He says he needs her to back up Albie Duncan. Here we go again. Andi: "Is he crazy?" Toby: "No. No. No. A little bit. No. Look, he's Albie Duncan. He was in the Eisenhower State Department. He's brilliant, he's respected, he's a Republican." All three? On this show? "If he's crazy, then I don't want to be sane." Andi: "You're not." Toby: "Excellent." As she leaves, Andi advises Toby to read the speech Gabe Tillman gave to the Stanford Club last night: "You're gonna think you wrote it...only it was somebody better." Toby looks unamused. Andi is going to be a hard sell, dude. I think you better summon some romance and put some real effort into this proposal.
Will's at his press conference, stumping for a corpse. Politics sure is weird. Actually, he's probably talking about the kind of candidate they'll replace him with, who'll do all sort of good liberal things. One reporter asks what their plans are for the six days. Will talks about all the get-out-the-vote rallies and efforts and adds, "We're in this to win." Another reporter asks what happens if Will's candidate wins. Will explains that a special election would be held within ninety days. The reporter asks whether they have anyone in mind. Will: "We're vetting Wendell Wilkie. What do you think?" Some polite chuckles from the crowd. We see Elsie and Sam watching from separate spots. Sam seems kind of bored. Will adds, "Seriously, one election at a time." A third reporter -- played (I think) by the woman who was Erin on The Waltons -- asks a question about whether the Wilde position on gun control indicates that the campaign is out of touch with Orange County residents, 60% of whom disagree with that position. Will: "Sixty percent is six of ten in a focus group. You change one mind, it's a dead heat. You change two, it's a landslide. This campaign's a mechanism of persuasion. We're not asking for a show of hands." The reporter, June Wheeler, identifies herself as being from the San Jose Mercury News. Will comments that she's a long way from home. June says, "This is a fun story." Will: "Glad I could help out." She says, "We're all sitting here pretending this is a regular press conference and you're very engaging up there, but your candidate died, so why isn't this all a little preposterous?" Will replies, "Chuck Webb is a seven-term Congressman who, as chairman of not one but two Commerce subcommittees, has taken money from companies he regulates. He's on the board of the NRA and once challenged another Congressman to a fistfight on the floor, over an amendment to make stalkers submit to background checks before buying AR-15s, AK-57s, Street Sweepers, Mac-10s, Mac-11s. He's joined protests designed to frighten pregnant women." Man, I'd definitely vote for a corpse over this guy. June: "What's your point?" Will: "There are worse things in the world than no longer being alive." It's Congress; who can tell, anyway? Will takes another question as we go to commercial.
Will's sitting out on the beach in Newport when Sam walks up. Will wonders if Sam wouldn't rather be in San Diego right now. Will would. So would I. Sam says he's about to head down there, and that he was at the press conference. Will asks if they're ready for the debate. Sam says they are, and that it will either be great or a disaster, nothing in between. He asks Will, "So what is this?" Will says their contributors gave their money to Horton Wilde. Sam points out that he's dead now. Will knows. Sam: "And that's the metaphor: a standard-bearer for a party that's dead in every bedroom community in southern California." Will says that the reporter who asked if they had another name in mind had a point. Sam wonders if Will even wants another name. Will doesn't, but Horton's widow Kay does: "She wants a Democrat to tell us privately that they'll [sic] run if he wins. Nobody wants it." Sam: "Do you believe you're going to need it?" Will: "No." Sam: "Give her Winston Churchill. What does it matter?" Will looks at Sam, slightly exasperated, although Sam can't see it because he's facing away from Will. Sam relents and admits that it matters. He turns and faces Will: "What are you doing?" Will: "Sam, I swear to God, I'm trying to win an election. I think you of all people would be able to recognize it when you saw it." Sam gets up to leave, asking for directions. Will tells him which way to go, and adds, "You guys give 'em hell tomorrow." Sam removes his tie, asking Will, "You have more events tonight, right?" Will does. Sam hands him his tie, saying, "Your tie doesn't go." Will smiles. Sam walks off.
Debate Day. Charlie's watching a bunch of consultants, who are testing ties for telegenecity. They finally decide on a charcoal and blue number which one of the consultants pitches to Charlie. Charlie comes over to his desk, where he finds Jordan Kendall waiting. He tells her she's starting out in the Oval Office. She asks when they leave and wishes him good luck. As they walk into the Oval Office, Charlie says, "Tell him," meaning Bartlet. Jed and Leo are talking at his desk. Charlie announces that they've chosen a charcoal and blue tie for him to wear. Jed has, however, decided to wear his lucky tie instead. Charlie: "You sure? This tie feels pretty lucky to me." Jed: "Then it's your lucky tie. Why don't you get mine and we'll go to the plane?" Charlie takes his briefcase from him and leaves. Jed suggests sitting in on Leo's meeting with Jordan for a few minutes. Leo says Jed should get into pre-game and let Leo worry about Qumar. Leo asks Jed to come out onto the portico for a second.
Jed and Leo exit to the portico. Jed makes a kind of "what's up?" gesture with his chin. Leo quietly says: "There's no such thing as too smart. There's nothing you can do that's not going to make me proud of you. Eat 'em up. Game on." Aw. Just kiss already! No, really, it's very sweet. Although I wish Leo had just left it at the first two sentences and saved the sports talk. Jed says okay and walks off down the portico. Leo glances at him as he goes. Somewhere, Fitz's heart is breaking.
Leo goes back into the Oval Office and leads Jordan into his office as he tells her they're stopping theMastico. When Leo opens the door to his office, he and Jordan find Josh waiting inside for Leo. Leo asks Josh what he needs. Leo, what you need is one of those little signs that says, "If this office is rockin', don't come a-knockin'." Or a sock on the door knob or something. Maybe you can put Margaret in charge of that. Josh tries out ten words on defense: "'I will make America's defenses the strongest in the history of the world.'" Well, aside from the fact that it's thirteen words: Ho. Hum. Never heard that before. Beside which, I thought it was already an article of faith that that's the case. Leo: "'In the history of the world'? When we say that, are we comparing ourselves to the Visigoths, adjusted for inflation?" Hee! Josh, undeterred: "Crime: 'Some crimes are so heinous, so hateful to American values, that we ought to lock the prisoners up and throw away the key.'" I think Josh better go back to kindergarten until he learns to count to ten. Also: what a dreadfully unimpressive comment. ["Not very artfully expressed, either." -- Wing Chun] Fortunately, Josh begs Leo not to say yes to that one. Leo tells Josh to keep working on the plane, and to call Leo every thirty minutes. Shouldn't they have had his answers on major issues like crime and defense worked out at debate camp? I mean, if they were merely refining good answers, that'd be one thing, but they don't even have good answers. Josh asks whether Leo's read Gabriel Tillman's speech. Leo hasn't. Josh: "The Governor of California's got a new writing staff." Leo doesn't seem to care: "Are you going to call every thirty minutes?" Josh says he will. Leo reminds him to do one more drill on the plane. Josh assures Leo that they'll make him proud: "Sit back and enjoy it."
Leo and Jordan close the doors to Leo's office and get down to business. No, not like that. Jordan chews Leo out ["no, not like that...hee hee" -- Wing Chun] about stopping the boat without checking with her. He says they stopped the boat with a warning shot, and that the weapons were not on their way to the Qumari (shouldn't it be "Qumaris"? Like "Pakistanis"?) but to the Bahji. Leo: "If I can't get everyone else on board with the fact that Qumar is our enemy, surely we can all agree that the International Bahji cell is." Jordan says, "Qumar's leveraging the Mastico." Leo knows that. Jordan wants to know what they want. They want you and Leo to kiss already. They're more likely to get top-secret technology, though. Lord. I am officially Bored Senseless. And judging from the reaction in the forums, I am, at least, not alone. Leo says that, yesterday, they wanted THAAD missile technology; today they want convicted Bahji operatives let out of U.S. jails. It changes. Jordan says he's going to have to give them something. Leo barks, "No, I don't have to do anything, Jordan! I'm right, they're wrong! They're strong -- I'm much stronger." Thank God it's all so black and white. Just think how bewildering the world would be if it were otherwise -- how much intelligence and compassion and awareness we'd have to summon in the service of understanding things and solving problems. Interesting, though, that Leo never seemed this upset about it all back when they were happily providing arms to Qumar in exchange for a ten-year lease agreement on its land, or when C.J. pointed out the problems with making deals with a country that routinely and grotesquely violated the human rights of at least half its citizens. Leo suggests that Jed go on TV tomorrow morning and make his case. A week before the election? Seems like madness. Jordan insists that they're nowhere near ready for that. Blah blah domestic and international lawcakes, she insists that they violated the Geneva Convention. Leo: "Since when is it...?" Jordan: "Since Francisco Pizzaro!" Leo: "Well, if you're going to throw the Swiss in my face..." Jordan suggests that they quietly get Ali Nissir, who's at the General Assembly, to come to Washington. Leo says that U.N. diplomats are a little under pay scale. Jordan says he's a reasonable guy. Leo: "Is he? Ali Nissir is what passes for reasonable these days." Jordan tells Leo to get Nissir here, and that they'll talk about the step. Leo hollers for Margaret. While he and Jordan are waiting for Margaret to come in, Jordan asks about the meaning of "ten words." Leo says it's a debating phrase that has to do with making things simpler. Kind of seems like something someone with her particular background would know. Leo asks Margaret to get him the National Security Council.
On Air Force One, Charlie runs into Donna and pulls her aside. Charlie says that, apparently, in the last debate of the first campaign, POTUS lit his tie on fire when he went outside to sneak a cigarette. That ought to have taught him, but apparently it didn't. Donna remembers. And, apparently, Josh gave POTUS his and now it's his game tie. Charlie, a little wound up, explains, "And it got wrecked at the cleaners by a cleaning solvent we probably shouldn't use anymore!" Well, I sure wouldn't want to be the dry cleaner who wrecked the President's lucky tie, I'll tell you that much. Donna asks whether Charlie's told him. Charlie hasn't, but says that's not the point. Charlie shows her a tie and asks, "Doesn't this look an awful lot like the real one?" Donna doesn't remember what the real one looks like. She wants to know where Charlie got a tie on the plane. Doesn't Air Force One have a gift shop? Charlie says he got it from the neck of the Deputy Labour Secretary. Charlie: "But what the hell am I thinking? You can't pull this kind of fake-out. Now it becomes the bad luck tie, and bad things will happen in that tie. No, you gotta face the music and dance alone." Donna -- who looks really gorgeous in this scene; her makeup is great and the lighting is really flattering -- says she thinks Charlie and POTUS are obsessing about the tie: "I'm gonna throw this notion out on the stoop and see if the cat licks it up." For just a nanosecond, I suspect a shout-out, but then I remember this episode has to have been in the can when I used that phrase in the recap for "Debate Camp." I guess Sorkin just likes 12 Angry Men, too. It's a good film. Donna goes on to suggest that the President's performance debate-wise had very little to do with the tie. Charlie: "Okay. You heard me say it was his game tie, right?" She did. Charlie takes off.
C.J. approaches Albie Duncan (Hal Holbrook) on the plane and thanks him for helping them out. Sitting down beside him, she asks if he's ever seen the Moscow Circus. He hasn't. C.J.: "Then I really have no point of reference to describe what a post-debate spin room is like." He chuckles and says, "I like you. You're the one I like." C.J. thanks him and explains that they're taken into a room followed by a volunteer holding up a large sign with his name on it, and that the press will surround him. Albie: "Is that dignified?" C.J.: "Absolutely not, don't even hope." She says he'll be asked why a Republican is spinning for POTUS: "Nobody is expecting you to say a thing -- not a thing -- that would embarrass the party to which you've been a loyal and active member your entire life. He'll be attacked, during the debate, on China. He'll have to defend his trade goals versus human-rights violations." Albie: "Trade's essential for human rights. Instead of isolating them, we make them live by the same global trading rules as everyone else and gain 1.2 billion consumers for our products and strengthen the forces of reform." I'm left wondering why it's a good idea to deal with China this way, but not to apply the same plan to Qumar. But thank God consumerism is the answer to at least one big problem, hmm? Deep-fried pork rinds and DVD copies of Pretty Woman for everybody.
C.J. says that's it -- that it's that simple. Albie: "No, it's not simple. It's incredibly complicated. McGarry's boy's over there coming up with greeting cards." C.J.: "Josh?" Albie says that Josh is trying to boil foreign policy down into ten-word answers. C.J.: "No, no, he's the ten-word, and believe me, he hates it." Albie says he's been at the State Department for thirty years, and that there are no right answers, and that diplomacy needs all the words it can get. Albie adds, "Plus: he's from Connecticut." C.J. says that the thing is that Writchie's good at it: "And we just need to show that we have that club in our bag, that's all." Albie: "What kind of shot do you get with that club?" C.J. says there may be a million undecided voters out there who'd come to Bartlet if he displayed one or two qualities that were more Writchie-like: "And we chose this. So for ninety seconds tonight, the mountain will come to Muhammad and we'll pretend the whole thing never happened." Albie reiterates that it's incredibly complicated: "The answer I just gave you on trade?" C.J. says it was perfect. Albie: "You know there's a decent chance that I'm full of crap, right?" C.J. says sure. Albie: "'Free trade's essential for human rights.' The end of that sentence is, 'We hope, 'cause nothing else has worked.'" C.J.: "'Kay, but I wouldn't say that tonight." Albie: "The President knows Chinese political prisoners are going to be sewing soccer balls with their teeth whether we sell them cheeseburgers or not, so let's sell them cheeseburgers." C.J.: "Nor, if it were I, would I say that." She smiles disarmingly. Albie: "Let me tell you something, young lady: 3,700 years ago in the Chang dynasty, when a king died, his slaves were beheaded -- the lucky ones. The unlucky ones were buried alive. Political repression? This is progress." C.J. persists: "Still, I think the first answer's our winner." Albie finally seems willing to play ball. C.J.: "So, can I find an attractive aide and have her bring you some Schweppes Bitter Lemon?" Oh, please. At first Albie says he's too steamed, but then agrees to the proposition. C.J. dispatches Carol: "Go to work." Carol fluffs up her bunny tail, straightens her bunny ears, and goes to work.
C.J. comes over to where Josh and Toby have been lurking and watching her. Toby asks whether Albie's crazy. C.J. says he is. Toby asks what Josh thinks. Josh says that if they lose because of a ten-word answer, he's quitting show business. He walks away. Toby asks C.J. what she thinks. She says, "I think it depends who shows up. If it's Uncle Fluffy, we've got problems. If it's the President -- in his last campaign, in his last debate, for the last job he'll ever have...if the President shows up, I think it could be a sight to see. I mean, a sight to see." For some reason, this bit really fell flat for me, and even the stellar skills of Allison Janney couldn't sell it. The repetition didn't work. She asks Toby, "What do you think?" Toby pauses, and then says, "I think you're going to enjoy yourself tonight." They walk off.
It's 8:55 PM. Jordan and Leo meet with Ali Nissir in the Mural Room. At first, I thought it might be the guy who played HeadOfAnonymousQuasiArabState in the premiere of 24 this week. But that was Mike Saad and this is Tony Amendola. Nissir says he didn't know Jordan worked at the White House. Leo says she's Special Counsel to his office. They sit. Leo explains that this meeting is so important, he was willing to miss the President's debate, which for him is like missing his brother's wedding or the Super Bowl or something. Leo tells Nissir that he has to turn the boat around. Nissir plays dumb, saying he doesn't know anything about a boat. Leo says they're not going to give them anything they're after, whether it's weapons, prisoners, or money: "You have to turn the boat around."
At the debate site, the debate's about to begin in two and half minutes. We get a glimpse of Hoynes, looking at his watch ("How much longer before I'm President?") and of Abby having her picture taken with Stackhouse in the background. Jed is talking to Charlie, about the tie: "I guess what I don't understand is this: have I ever exhibited any evidence that I'd be mad if a tie got ruined?" Charlie says, "No, sir." Jed, "No, I'm not that guy." Charlie: "This tie was special." Jed: "The chemicals at the dry cleaner don't know that." He's already wearing his jacket, so we don't get to see any particularly peppy pre-debate coat flips. A voice on the PA calls Bartlet and Writchie to the stage. C.J. comes over to Jed and says, "Bring it, boss." They kiss each other on the cheek. Josh shakes his hand and says, "Nothing but strikes." Sam shakes his hand and says, "Game on!" Jed turns around, and Abby's waiting her turn to speak with him. In the background, Toby's crunching on a carrot or something. Abby says nothing, and Toby looks kind of uncomfortable and tells Jed, "I just assumed you wanted to include me." He and Jed shake hands and just give each other a meaningful look. Toby takes off.
Jed turns to Abby, whose hair looks truly awful. I don't know what it is she does to piss off the hairstylists on this show, but she should stop doing it. She's a very attractive woman and yet about half the time they manage to make her look like hell on this show. It's in a long sort of...well, pageboy would probably be closest, although it's kind of an insult to pageboys to call it that. It's sort of Richard the III (tm Rhiannon) after a really rough night. Anyway, Abby says that it's in the bag, and that there's someone there to show off for. Jed: "My daughters are here?" Well, the ones you haven't married off to Mike Casper, anyway. And silly me, I actually think for a minute that we're going to get to see all three Bartlet daughters -- including Elizabeth, the one we've never seen, and Zoey, who hasn't made an appearance in over two years now. But it's not to be. Abby says, "Are you kidding? Ellie's wearing makeup!" Jed says he doesn't approve of that. Abby reminds him that Ellie's twenty-seven. Jed: "I don't approve of that, either." He asks whether Abby remembers the tie Josh had to give him at the last minute. Abby remembers. There's something weird about her line delivery in this scene. It's like she's in high sarcasm mode, except they're not fighting or arguing. Maybe she's just so used to it that she can't stop it. She wonders if there's any point in still having the debate. Jed claims, "There was a lot of juice in that tie." Maybe that's why the dry cleaner had to use so much solvent. He adds, "It was like, in the last seconds, just the energy getting me out on stage." Abby: "Well...tough."
Charlie comes to get Jed. Abby says, "We'll do 'mushy' later. So, for now, I just gotta say, I love you so much that my head's gonna fly off, but more importantly, game on, boyfriend! Let's go!" "Game on, boyfriend"? "Boyfriend"? Whatever. Jed says, "Okay," and starts to leave. I think he wants to get away before she gets any weirder. She adds, "By the way, I feel bad. I don't think I've done enough to help you prepare for this debate." Jed asks, "Why are you telling me this now?" She suddenly grabs his tie and cuts it off with a pair of scissors. Boy, considering she never wanted him to run again in the first place...wouldn't Freud have a field day with this? She says, with a defiant look, "Just 'cause." Jed looks down at his castrated tie and says, "Oh, my God. You're insane!" She looks a little apprehensive now, like maybe it's just now dawning on her that it might not have been the best idea. He shouts, "You're insane!" She looks at the tie, not him. He shouts for Charlie. He stops at the door to rip off his tie furiously, and look back at Abby, who's dangling the scissors and cackling. She actually says, "Heh heh heh."
Jed and his staff all start running for the stage, as Charlie tells Josh they need his tie. Josh: "What the hell?" C.J. asks what happened. Jed explains that his wife cut off his tie. Josh asks why and Jed replies, "I don't think we have that kind of time, Josh." Everyone's rushing and fussing around him as he walks, getting Josh's red tie over his head and fixing his collar. C.J. objects, "No one's done camera tests on this one!" Toby: "Right! Let's run some!" Hee. Everyone keeps hurtling toward the stage, Toby and C.J. stumbling through the doorway all slapstick-like. By the time they reach the stage, Abby's caught up with Jed and is smoothing his lapels and tie for him. Jed doesn't say anything, but gives her a good solid smack on the ass as he walks to the stage. Abby emits a little sound of surprise and then smiles coyly as she puts her hair behind her ear. The smack seems to have straightened her hair out. It looks better here.
Jed and Writchie meet in the middle of the stage and shake hands. Each goes to his respective podium, Jed taking a subtle little step up to his. James Brolin must be a foot taller than Sheen. Also, what's with the carrot cake-frosting 'do (tm tricky_nicky) on Writchie? The moderator explains the rules of the debate. Writchie won the coin toss, so he gets the first question: "Perhaps the biggest philosophical difference between you and the President is over the role of the federal government itself, and whether national problems really have national solutions?" Writchie uses up a bunch of his time greeting everybody and saying it's a privilege to be there. He then responds, "My view of this is simple. We don't need a Federal Department of Education telling us our children have to learn Esperanto, they have to learn Eskimo poetry. Let the states decide, let the communities decide on health care, on education, on lower taxes, not higher taxes. Now, he's going to throw a big word at you: 'unfunded mandate.' If Washington lets the states do it, it's an unfunded mandate. But what he doesn't like is the federal government losing power. But I call it the ingenuity of the American people." Donna hands Josh a cell phone. It's probably Leo.
The moderator tells Bartlet he has sixty seconds for a question and an answer. Jed: "Well, first of all, let's clear up a couple of things: 'unfunded mandate' is two words, not one big word." Some cheering and applause from the audience. He continues: "There are times when we're fifty states and there are times when we're one country, and have national needs. And the way I know this is that Florida didn't fight Germany in World War II or establish civil rights. You think states should do the governing wall-to-wall. That's a perfectly valid opinion. But your state of Florida got 12.6 billion [dollars] in federal money last year from Nebraskans, and Virginians, and New Yorkers, and Alaskans, with their Eskimo poetry -- $12.6 [billion] out of a state budget of $50 billion. I'm supposed to be using this time for a question, so here it is: Can we have it back, please?" Watching this, Josh pumps his fist in the air and shouts, "Game on!" C.J.: "Oh, my God..." Sam: "Strike 'em out, throw 'em out!" He turns around to the crowd of reporters, asking, "Anybody want spin? C.J. walks up to Toby and says, "It's not going to be Uncle Fluffy." Toby: "No." That was pretty weak. Then again, it's not that hard to set a straw man on fire.
I'm recapping this on Halloween night and let me just say, it's not easy to write when nine-year-olds dressed like Austin Powers, Harry Potter, and Batman keep coming to the door. Although there have been some adorable toddlers in cow and skunk costumes. One particularly frank little kid, instead of saying "Trick or treat," commented, "Wow, this is a big house. It musta cost you a lotta money." I didn't know what to say to that. His parental unit chided him from the sidewalk. Fortunately, I've run out of candy so I can just stop answering the door now.
When we come back from the commercial, Writchie is midstream: "...and the partisan bickering. Now, I want people to work together in this great country, and that's what I did in Florida -- I brought people together -- and that's what I'll do as your President. In the logjam, in the gridlock, and bring Republicans together with Democrats, 'cause Americans are tired of partisan politics." Polite applause. Jed retorts: "Actually, what you've done in Florida is bring the right together with the far right. And I don't think Americans are tired of partisan politics; I think they're tired of hearing career politicians dis partisan politics to get a gig. I've tried it before. They ain't buying it. That's okay, though; that's okay, though, 'cause partisan politics is good. Partisan politics is what the founders had in mind." It is? "It guarantees that the minority opinion is heard, and as a lifelong possessor of minority opinions, I appreciate it. But if you're troubled by it, Governor, you should know, in this campaign, you've used the word 'liberal' seventy-four times. In one day. It was yesterday." Applause and laughter. Toby: "I'm not sure I can watch anymore. No, wait, I can. I can." Is it smart for Jed to portray himself as the "possessor of minority opinions"? I mean, God knows, I'm more than sympathetic, because I seriously doubt there's one single meaningful opinion I hold that isn't a minority opinion, but if I were running for Grand Poobah of the Greatest Superpower Ever I don't think I'd shout it to the rooftops.
Nissir takes the position that Israel's air strike against the people Qumar was illegal and unwarranted. Leo argues that it was not unwarranted, and that it was against two Bahji terrorist camps, not the people of Qumar, following the downing of Ben Yosef's plane by Qumari Bahji operatives: "Educated, if we're going to use that word, in Qumari madrassahs and financed by fat members of the Qumari royal family, including the Sultan's brother, Abdul ibn Shareef." Jordan looks uncomfortable. Nissir denounces it as "Zionist propaganda." He reminds Leo that they lost a cabinet minister too. Leo: "Yes, and you have the results of joint U.S, U.K., and Qumari search and rescue operations, that detail the tragic loss at sea." John Spencer is superb at portraying the breathtaking disingenuousness of politicians. He continues, "Yet your intelligence services seem ready to tell the world that it was Israel." What shocking deception, hmm, Leo? Tsk, tsk. Nissir: "A state that sanctions covert assassination." Leo: "Of terrorists. Are you saying Mr. Shareef was one of them?" Wow, could we go back to the "debate"? Even that was less one-sided than this. Jordan interrupts and asks to speak with Leo outside.
Jordan immediately tells Leo that he's got to stop it; he's got to turn the boat around or they'll be at war. They're standing in front of a monitor that's showing the debate. Leo says he can't "play games with these people." Leo: "Ben Yosef gave me the medal of David, and ten hours later he was dead! I can't pretend Qumar's our quirky little ally whose culture it's important to be tolerant of! They're not wearing wooden shoes!" Wow. I can't even begin to tell you how much this line of thinking annoys me. And again I will remind the reader that none of this bothered them very much when they wanted to make convenient arms deals with Qumar. Jed's biggest concern seemed to be that the women around the White House "looked at him funny" when they made deals with places like Qumar. Leo continues, "I was a soldier. I flew fighters over the DMZ. It was incredibly dangerous. What did I do that for? What am I handing to the guy and to my kid?" Jordan: "Turn the boat around. Do that for the guy. Do that for Mallory, and do that for the President. He's busy right now." They both stop to listen to POTUS, who's saying on TV, "Should we focus on 90% of the kids, who go to public school, or give parents money from the public-school budget to send their kids to private school at a time when private schools are even turning kids away who can afford it? Public schools are going to be the best schools in the country. They're gonna be cathedrals! The answer is a change in the way we finance schools!" The crowd applauds its approval. Leo and Jordan go back into the Mural Room without a word.
Nissir says, "Mr. McGarry, I think we are both men, and I think we both know there is a charade being enacted here. I understand Western politics, and I understand President Bartlet is unable to admit Israel's complicity in the death of the Sultan's brother during a close election. So perhaps we could..." Leo chortles. Nissir asks if he said something funny. Leo: "You think the President's afraid that if he admitted complicity in Shareef's death, he would lose votes in this country? To sweep all fifty states, the President would only need to do two things: blow the Sultan's brains out in Times Square, then walk across the street to Nathan's and buy a hot dog." Again: wow. And that sets the country apart from the terrorist states it claims to oppose and loathe how, exactly? And gosh, if that's true, why waste all this time and money campaigning? Why not shoot now and ask questions about international law and morality later? Kill 'em all, let God sort 'em out. Leo tells Nissir that he's going to turn the Mastico around: "You are going to cease and desist any disinformation campaign that links the death of Shareef to Israel. And sometime year, the Sultan is going to propose a Middle East peace plan -- the Qumar plan -- and win the Nobel Peace Prize." What? Leo tells him to make his phone call: "I'll be waiting." He walks toward the Oval Office. Nissir asks Jordan, "He's a little hot under the collar, is he not?" Jordan gets up and says, "Excuse me, I have a meeting of godless infidels door." How very comical. Oddly, the closed captioning claims that she says, "Excuse me, I'm Special Counsel to the Office of the Chief of Staff."
Back to "Debate" 2002. The moderator's asking Writchie, "Many economists have stated that the tax cut which is centrepiece of your economic agenda could actually harm the economy. Is now really the time to cut taxes?" Writchie replies, "You bet it is. We need to cut taxes for one reason: the American people know how to spend their money better than the federal government does." I wonder idly if Donna ever got that DVD player she wanted. Writchie gets some applause and whistles for that. The Fab Four and other staffers wait for Bartlet's response. He finally says, "There it is." One person I don't recognize, who's on the phone, asks, "What the hell..." C.J. says, "He's got it." Jed continues, "That's the ten-word answer my staff's been looking for for two weeks. There it is. Ten-word answers can kill you in political campaigns. They're the tip of the sword. Here's my question: what are the ten words of your answer? Your taxes are too high? So are mine. Give me the ten words. How are we going to do it? Give me ten after that, I'll drop out of the race right now." Writchie seems unruffled by this. Jed: "Every once in a while, every once in a while, there's a day with an absolute right and an absolute wrong, but those days almost always include body counts. Other than that, there aren't very many un-nuanced moments in leading a country that's way too big for ten words. I'm the President of the United States, not the President of the people who agree with me. And by the way, if the left has a problem with that, they should vote for somebody else." Mild applause. The moderator mentions that they'll begin closing statements. We go to Josh, who has his hand over his mouth in disbelief. He must be listening to a different debate than I am. C.J. gathers Toby, Sam, Josh, Donna, Carol, and Andi and the SwirlyCam goes into overdrive as it circles the group around and around. My stomach's already feeling queasy at the moment; I could do without the dizzying visuals. C.J. suggests: "I'm going to make a bold suggestion, but hear me out. Let's not spin. Let's leave the room. We'll use the experts, but nobody from the campaign, nobody from the White House, and definitely not us." Josh: "Why?" C.J.: "There's nothing left to do here, and it's inelegant. It's the punch Ali never gave Foreman when he was going down." Toby agrees. Josh: "All right, just a statement: 'The President's on his way to Washington to get back to work.'" Sam says there'll be a lot of drinking on the plane. He doesn't think that should be included in the statement. C.J.: "No. Good heads-up."
Albie Duncan comes in and is mobbed by reporters. Unasked, he announces, "Trade with China is essential for human rights. By engaging China, and making them by the same global trading rules as everyone else, we gain 1.2 billion consumers for our products, and we strengthen the forces of freedom, and the President knows this." C.J.'s standing with the reporters and wants to ask him a question, understandably to Albie's puzzlement. She inquires, "Isn't there a decent chance you and the President are wrong?" Albie: "I'm sorry?" C.J.: "I mean, doesn't he also know that Chinese political dissidents are going to be sewing soccer balls together with their teeth whether or we sell them cheeseburgers or not? I mention this because the President just reminded us that complexity isn't a vice." She walks toward him as she says this, and when she gets right to him, she says quietly to his ear, "You're the one I like, too." And then she smooches him on the cheek. No, really. The Press Secretary just gave Albie Duncan a post-debate peck on the cheek while on national television. In what parallel universe is this occurring? Probably the same one where eight-year-old talk about PSAs. C.J. walks off and Albie beams.
The moderator concludes the debate, and everyone applauds. Writchie and Bartlet shake hands in the middle of the stage. Writchie says, "You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!" Bartlet replies indignantly, "Well, you got your peanut butter in my chocolate!" No, Writchie quietly says, "It's over." Bartlet: "You'll be back." It would have been amusing if he'd done it in Schwarzenegger's voice. Well, I think so. Eh, maybe we'll leave the impressions to Rob Lowe. And while we're at it, I betcha that's the last we ever see of Writchie. Why they paid James Brolin when they could have just cast a scarecrow I have no idea. The candidates move to opposite sides of the stage, where they greet their wives and families. Two obvious stand-ins pretend to be the Bartlet daughters, Ellie and Elizabeth. Barbra Streisand, thankfully, is nowhere to be seen. For all the months of bluster about Writchie and weeks of prep for this debate, that was incredibly anti-climactic. I'm disappointed that Sorkin chose to write Writchie as such a straw man. What's easier to knock down than your own cardboard construction?
Laguna Beach, around 1:00 AM. Sam enters a bar and finds Will working there. Will tells the bartender, "I'd like to buy this old guy a beer. He had a good night." Will asks how it feels. Sam: "Winning? Good." Will: "I thought he was going to have to fall all over himself trying to be genial." Sam says they did, too: "But then, we were convinced by polling that said he was going to be seen as arrogant no matter what performance he gave in the debate." Can't imagine why. Sam continues, "And then, that morning at 3:10, my phone rings, and it's Toby Ziegler. He says, 'Don't you get it? It's a gift that they're irreversibly convinced that he's arrogant 'cause now he can be.' If your guy's seen that way, you might as well knock some bodies down with it." Will asks: "You don't fly with the team?" Sam: "Not this time. I had to return the rental car; that's why I was glad to get together again." He adds, "One-way charges on rental cars are insane. I think if everybody drove one way, it'd all work out in the wash." Will: "I think every rental car in America would be at the Grand Canyon and the Tropicana." I think Will's right.
Sam: "Let the campaign fold, man. Stay out of the news this week." Will says he's sorry. Sam asks, "You grow up in California politics?" Will says he grew up in Brussels; several members of his family worked at NATO HQ. Sam asks if, by any chance, he's Thomas Bailey's grandson. Will says, "I'm his son. I'm the youngest." Sam: "Hmm. That had to have been a nice Career Day: 'Hello, I'm Will's dad. I'm Supreme Commander, NATO Allied Forces.' Not a lot of kids took your lunch money, right?" Will: "No." Sam: "It's embarrassing, Will." Will's mad now: "There's a campaign being waged here, and I'm not embarrassed by it. There are things being talked about -- things you believe in, things the White House believes in -- and they're only gonna be talked about in a blowout, and you know it. And you know there's no glory in it, and you still come here twice and tell me my guy's a joke. That my people are embarrassing. How many Democrats told you to get out of the way for John Hoynes? The bandwagon was in Texas, and the boys were in Nashua, and how Democrats told you it was embarrassing? I'm not kidding, Sam. How many?" Sam: "All of them." Will: "That's right."
Sam: "You're the one who wrote Tillman's speech." Will denies it. Sam presses him, but Will pretends not to know what he's talking about. Sam gets the "honour among speechwriters" thing and relents: "That's fine. But you and I both know different, right? So let's have some respect for that." Will: "You've ghosted for senators, movie stars, I think the King of Belgium one time...do you say anything?" Sam does not: "Speechwriters don't do that." Will: "Yeah." Sam: "Okay. I'll just say that it was very good, and a number of people think so, and leave it there. Except to say that the jokes worked, too. I don't know who wrote them -- maybe the King of Belgium -- but I know it wasn't the governor of California." Will points out "that girl over there" -- Elsie, who's chatting away with a bunch of other campaign staffers -- and Sam says that's the one he thought was Will's assistant. Will says her name is Elsie Snuffin. Good grief. Sam smiles and shakes his head: "What a great name." Will: "Isn't it?" He says she wrote the jokes. Sam asks where Will found her. Will says, "She was the eleventh man on a ten-man writing staff for sitcom." Pretty good trick for a "girl." "And they weren't using her stuff because it was smarter than the show, but she didn't know that."
Sam gets up, thanking Will for the beer and the lively conversation. As Sam takes out some money -- for a tip I guess -- he says, "Listen, if you can't find a Democrat, tells Mrs. Wilde...tell Kay that I'll do it." Will: "Are you kidding?" Sam gives the highlights of his curriculum vitae: "Tell her I'm a magna cum laude graduate of Princeton and editor of the Duke Law Review. Tell her I've worked for Congressmen and the DCCC. I have seven years at Gage Whitney, and for the last four I've served as Deputy Communications Director and Senior Counsel. Tell her I grew up two streets from here." And tell her that he's cute, telegenic, neat, polite, clean and inexplicably celibate. Don't tell her he can't fold a map, though. See what Sorkin did there? He neatly established Will's political pedigree, along with his qualifications as a speechwriter, and gave us Sam's credentials for office. Will says, "I'm not going to ask anyone else." Sam says, "This is for election night, if you win. If I read about it before that, I'm gonna deny it and we're through." He doesn't threaten to bust him like a piñata or anything.
Sam walks over to where Elsie -- whose name would be a lot prettier if it were the anagram "Elise" I keep typing -- is talking to some young dude with a really unfortunate bowl haircut, and says, "Excuse me." The small crowd hoots and applauds. One young lady can't restrain herself and pipes up, "We love you!" Obviously a member of the Seraglio. Sam takes that in stride and says, "Thank you." And then: "Listen, I've got to get to a bed, but I just wanted to say, thanks for the hard work. One more week. You're making a lot of people proud. And if you get a chance, read the text of the Governor's speech to the Stanford Club. It's going to give you chills. And the jokes, I think, are particularly funny." This isn't lost on Elsie, who's checking him out from behind. The man knows how to work a crowd. That's going to come in handy. The staff members get up to shake Sam's hand as he wishes them luck. The little squealer gets to gladhand him first. She'll never wash that hand again. As he leaves, Elsie mouths the words "thank you" to him, and gives him a brief, dreamy glance. Sam says good night to Will as he leaves. As Sam reaches the door, Will remembers something, and calls out to Sam, "Don't forget your necktie." Sam, without turning around: "Keep it." Sam knows who'll be wearing his necktie when he goes. Just watch out for Abby and her scissors, dude.