By Glark
Props to me for actually finishing this before the episode aired. Props to Deborah for all the hard WW work to date. Props to Wing and Sars for those twenty-hour days with nothing to show for it. Props to Amanda and Josh for the light at the end of those twenty-hour days.
It's 8:40 PM EST at Andrews Air Force Base. President Bartlet, in a long black trench coat, briskly disembarks Air Force One and makes a beeline to the awaiting press. Add a track from Propellerheads, and a shotgun or two, and we gots ourselves a little POTUS Matrix tribute. Reporters are shouting over each other to get in the first question about Bartlet's diplomatic trip to India. Bartlet gives a quick answer to the Indian-Pakistani dispute over Kashmir (the land, not the song) and promptly gets to the real issue of the day: the History of Chess and the introduction of this week's Lazy Metaphor. It seems that the Prime Minister of India (yes, that's right: not every country has a President) has given Bartlet a few historically significant chess sets as gifts and, in turn, Bartlet will give us, the West Wing viewers, the Gift of Metaphor.
Glark, what's a metaphor? I'm glad you asked. Webster's defines metaphor thus:
\Met"a*phor\, n. [F. m['e]taphore, L. metaphora, fr. Gr. ?, fr. ? to carry over, transfer; meta' beyond, over + fe'rein to bring, bear.] (Rhet.) The transference of the relation between one set of objects to another set for the purpose of brief explanation; a compressed simile; e. g., the ship plows the sea. --Abbott & Seeley. "All the world's a stage.'' --Shak.
What's a Lazy Metaphor, Glark? I'm also glad you asked that. Webster's defines lazy metaphor as such:
\Lay-zee Met"a*phor\, n. Using the game of chess to illustrate strategic maneuvers or complex relationships between two antagonists.
Glark, I hate to mention this, but I think the use of Webster's definitions to punctuate an argument is also lazy. Oh yeah? Well, you're banned!
Ring! Ring! Margaret's just connected Leo, via cell phone, to C.J., who's also at Andrews Air Force Base. Seems Leo doesn't give two craps what Lazy Metaphor Bartlet is establishing; he wants POTUS and the POTUS Players back at The White House. There's trouble a-brewing down China's way, and where there's China, there's fire. C.J. moseys over to the President -- who's still yakking about chess -- turns to the press pool, and simply says, "Thank you everybody." BAM! End of question period. That's power -- you go, C.J. If C.J. ended every question period with a little "and they call me The Jackal," then, ladies and gentlemen, we'd have one ass-kicking show. C.J. leads Bartlet away, but he turns back and reminds the press, "Hey, don't forget Hartsfield votes in three hours and twenty-one minutes; we're going to find out who the President is!" He gives a final wave before turning his full attention to C.J.: "I'm going to give some of the chess sets out as gifts; did you see them?" C.J. gets to the point and replies, "Leo needs you in the car." "Did he say?" asks POTUS. "China," C.J. says. Bartlet's face takes on a grim expression. Well, grimmer, anyway. Being the leader of the free world isn't a party 24/7.
Bartlet climbs into the Presidential limo, and picks up the cell phone to get the skinny from Leo: "Intel says Taiwan is getting ready to test-fire three Patriots...in a base in an island in the Pingdong region." After about two minutes of trading "Pingdong" jokes -- including Leo's retelling of catching "Pingdong" in Vietnam -- POTUS gets back to business, asking, "What's China's reaction?" "An acceleration of integrated military exercises," says Leo. "Big?" "Yeah." "How big?" "Unprecedented." Leo asks, "Should we tell Taiwan not to test the missiles?" The President replies, "No. I mean, we could try, but they're not going to go for it. What are they asking for?" Leo explains, "They want us to put some hardware in the Taiwan Strait." POTUS asks, "Tonight?" Leo answers in the affirmative. POTUS continues, "I'm assuming Nancy, Fitzwallace, and the Chiefs..." "Everyone concurs, Mr. President," Leo says preemptively. Bartlet wants to know whether Leo feels the same. Leo does. "We have a pretty good sense of the worst-case scenario?" asks the President. "We end up sending the largest U.S. naval armada to southeast Asia since the end of Vietnam...plus a raging case of Pingdong," explains Leo. The President takes a moment, then says, "That sounds right...All right, we know the play." "We're going to assemble in the [Situation] Room," declares Leo. "She gave me these beautiful chess sets," says Bartlet. "The Prime Minister?" asks Leo. Heaven forbid we lose sight of The Lazy Metaphor for a minute. Getting back to non-chess-related business, POTUS informs Leo to "let Fitzwallace know [POTUS is] going to send the Seventh Fleet into the Taiwan Strait." "Yes, sir," says Leo. POTUS glances to his driver and orders, "Let's go."
La la LA la la laaaaa. La la la LAA la la laaaa. La la la la la la laaaaa la la la. La la la la la la laaaa la. Dee! (dee dee dee dee) Dee dee dee deeee! (dee dee dee dee) dee dee dee deee dee dee deedeedeedeedeedeedeedeeee LAA! La la la dee dee do do.
Back in the White House, the President and Leo strut through the halls to the Situation Room. The camera in the Situation Room is positioned behind a glass map of the hot zone as the Big Two enter. Of course, everything on the map is backward, so if you were paying attention, you'd know just how small Nawiat is compared to Anihc. While we're at it, what's up with that map? Is it custom-made? Is it light-projected somehow? Something wrong with paper maps? Whatever it is, it reminds me of Echo Base on Hoth from The Empire Strikes Back. Oooh, maybe Nancy is going to order the firing of the Ion Cannon. The President cracks wise about the upcoming primary vote in Hartsfield's Landing: "Listen, they start voting in Hartsfield's Landing in about two and a half hours, so this may end up being someone else's problem." "Ha ha ha ha!" goes everyone assembled in the Situation Room. "Joke of the century!" proclaims Entertainment Weekly. "Best Hartsfield's Landing one-liner in four years," according to Today's Gene Shalit. Okay, enough jokes. Let's make with the serious. "The scale of the war games is unprecedented?" asks POTUS. Nancy -- looking good and feeling fine in a sharp brown suit and brown blouse -- explains that the Chinese war games are a mock invasion of Taiwanese-held islands, and include planning for foreign-carrier-based opposition. Leo -- looking cranky and feeling lanky in a boring black suit and tie -- inquires about the Taiwanese reaction to the Chinese war games. Nancy's got the 411 and it goes a little something like this: "All armed forces are on heightened alert. The war minister asked for an emergency cabinet meeting." We also learn that Taiwan is moving some specific types of military might -- such as helicopters -- around like some sort of big strategic game of some sort. The American aircraft carriers U.S.S. Nimitz and the U.S.S. Independence are both about two hours away from the potential hot zone. There's also a battle carrier group centered on the U.S.S. Carl Vinson, within reach of the area. Leo asks to backtrack for a second to see what C.J. is facing in the press room right now: "Let me backtrack for a second -- what's C.J. facing in the press room right now?" Nancy says that the live fire exercises of the Chinese war games are being reported by southeast Asian media. "Is the Carl Vinson close enough to make a detour to the South China Sea?" asks Leo. General Glad Man says he thinks that, in fact, is the move. Leo looks at the President: "Sir?" "That's our move," declares the President. Oh, is the President still here? Damn, I think I could do his job. Nancy wants to know, "After that?" "After our move comes the move," says the President. Wait a second. After one move. Another. Then another. This sounds familiar. Very familiar. Sorkin...you sly devil.
We cut to the Exposition Press Room, where C.J. is doing her thing without referring to herself as The Jackal. The press wants to know whether the President is going to ask Taiwan to hold off testing the Patriot missiles. C.J. replies in the negative, adding that it is important to remember that the Patriots are defensive weapons, and that she's not in a position to say whether use of the Patriots, or anything else, is the tit that caused China's war game tat. (Damn, there goes our Net Nanny audience.) Reporter Curly Sue All Grown Up asks for confirmation that if "the Chinese attack Taiwan, [the U.S. is] obligated to defend them under the '79 Act, correct?" C.J. replies that the U.S. is only responsible for supplying Taiwan with a means to defend itself. The Act -- not referred to by name -- is the Taiwan Relations Act (TRA). The main policy initiative of the TRA was to provide Taiwan with defensive weapons (or as C.J. says, ahem, "equipment") to deter China from thinking about reclaiming control of Taiwan. Just prior to the TRA, the Carter administration switched its recognition of China from the Republic of China (Taiwan) to the People's Republic of China (good old-fashioned China). The TRA provided the legal means to continue military, economic, and diplomatic relations with Taiwan while recognizing the People's Republic of China as the One, True China. Of course this "One China" policy is a buncha poppycock, since it's pretty obvious we gots ourselves two Chinas here, treated quite differently. That's politics for ya.
Back to the Exposition Press Room. Reporter Generic Face asks whether the President will be watching the situation throughout the night. C.J., smelling a segue opportunity, says, "The President will be monitoring the situation in the China Seas as well as Hartsfield's Landing. Any of the new people not know about Hartsfield's Landing?" How the hippity-hell do you work your way up to White House correspondent and not know about this quirky little piece of American democracy in action? In the non-WW world, Hartsfield's Landing is known as Hartsfield's Location, and is joined by Dixville Notch in the midnight voting. Of course, in the Exposition Press Room, there's always room for (Claudia) Jean Explaining Life's Lessons Obligingly. And if there's room in the Room, there's got to be room here at TWoP: "Hartsfield's Landing is a town in New Hampshire, population 63. While the rest of New Hampshire goes to the polls at 8 AM tomorrow, all of the forty-two registered voters of Hartsfield vote at one minute past midnight or a little over two hours from now. Hartsfield has accurately predicted the winner of every presidential election since William Howard Taft..." (1909). C.J. then starts talking about Taft's contribution to baseball. Baseball talk always makes me zone out, so I hope nothing too important happened.
Having closed up shop at the press briefing, C.J. is on her way back to her office when she meets Charlie (Duuuuuuulé! ® Kim's Jim) in the hall. Poor Charlie. I miss the days when he had a substantial part in the WW story. Charlie is carrying a couple of boxes with cards on top of them; C.J. asks what they are. "I'm distributing chess sets as gifts," says Charlie. Skipping the whole "why the hell don't I get one" sticky wicket ["and surely Sorkin wouldn't think to give C.J. one, since she's just a girl, and therefore gets a historically significant Easy-Bake Tandoori Oven from India instead" -- Wing Chun], C.J. informs Charlie she needs a copy of the President's personal schedule. "Didn't you get one?" asks Charlie with raised eyebrow. "I need another," she says. "You got to sign it out. You got to sign it out and sign it back in. You can't photocopy it, and it can't leave the building," Charlie informs C.J. "What the hell is this?" snarks C.J. with an amused how-dare-you grin on her face. Charlie knows what's what: "For the third time in two months, a copy of the private schedule wound up in the press room. I got to crack down." That's right, C.J. It's Organizational Crackdown City, and Charlie's the mayor! "I'm the Press Secretary," C.J. reminds him. "You do a nice job," he replies. I need to hire Charlie to answer my email. He does a really good job pissing people off without getting hot under the collar. C.J. loses her cool and impatiently demands, "Gimme the damn schedule." 'Fraid not, C.J. Welcome to Organizational Crackdown City. Population: You. Charlie hands her a clipboard: "Sign it out, sign it back in." Go Charlie! C.J. signs the sheet, but she's not too happy with Charlie's attention to detail (i.e. her knack of losing schedules), and she lets him know it: "The anal-retentive side of you isn't going to help you get girls." Ouch, C.J. Very ouch. Charlie quips, "I do okay." Great scene. Too bad about the rest of the C.J.-Charlie-fest to follow.
Josh is a jerk. Josh is sitting at his desk crunching numbers. He yells for Donna, twice. From the first yell (by the way, don't yell; use an intercom or the phone system), it takes Donna eight seconds to open the door to his office. He almost gets a face full of door as Donna enters the room. That would have served him right, if you ask me. Which you didn't, but I'll say it all the same. "You were taking your time," whines Josh. Eight seconds? Poor baby. "I don't have warp speed," Donna replies in her half-annoyed, half-apologetic way, which screams, "Treat me like crap! I don't have the backbone to do anything about it!" Grow a pair, Donna. Soon. Turns out Josh was number crunching his homemade projections for tonight's Hartsfield's Landing vote, and he's worried about one couple -- the Flenders -- whose daughter emailed him to say her parents were leaning away from Bartlet and toward the Republican candidate. After another trip down Exposition Lane, during which Josh explains the Hartsfield's Landing story to Donna (a.k.a. Voice of the Viewers Who Don't Know What's What), Josh sends Donna off to a nearby park with a cell phone and orders to call the defecting family and convince them to support Bartlet. Donna puts on Josh's coat and takes off for the park. Why is Josh turning into a jerk? Why doesn't Donna have a spine? Why doesn't Donna take that dot-com job offer and get out from under Josh's foot? At least they're not playing chess.
Sam I Am shakes off the shivers from being outside in the cold (lucky Donna), flicks on the lights in his office, and notices a chess set -- all set up and ready to play -- with a note on top; he picks up the note and starts to open it. "Excuse me," says the President, who is suddenly standing in Sam's door way. Sam gives POTUS a big Rob Lowe smile and they exchange welcomes. "Someone gave me this chess set," says Sam, waving the note around in little circles. "Yeah, it's from me," offers the President. "The Prime Minister gave me a few different sets, and I wanted to give them as gifts." "I'm really overwhelmed by this, Mr. President," says Sam. "The State of the Union was really something else," POTUS replies. Sam thanks him, and then we're "treated" to another installment of Bartlet's Famous Moments in Chess History. "Wanna play?" asks the President. Sam is a little surprised at the offer, and asks, "You?" "Yeah." "I'll get killed." "Why?" asks POTUS. Sam says, "You're a Grand Wizard or a Grandmaster or something." Hee hee. Best Ku Klux Klan joke since Bart and Lisa discussed the merits of unsuccessful Krusty character Ku Klux Klam. "Naw, I'm not any of those things," POTUS says. "I'm just grand." Bartlet grabs one black and one white chess piece from the board in each of his hands, and puts out his closed fists for Sam to choose. Sam taps the President's right hand. The President opens his hand and says, "You're white, and don't ever touch me." "I'm sorry, sir," says Sam. "I'm kidding," says POTUS, already spinning the board around for the first move of the game. He and Sam both take their seats. Bartlet has this great, confident grin on his face by which it is very hard not to be amused. He's smart, he's wise, he's good at chess, and furthermore, he knows it. Maybe there's more to this than just a simple chess game. Could it be? Let's see.
Sam moves a pawn ahead one square to start the game. Bartlet immediately starts his head games: "Ah, the Kobayashi Maru opening. Very interesting." "You're just going to mess with me this whole time, right?" asks Sam. "Yep," says POTUS, as he makes his opening move. After a little chit-chat (chess move) about the India trip (chess move), Sam breaks open tonight's lesson topic by asking, "Do you mind my asking how bad it's getting out there tonight?" (Chess move.) The President almost sighs, "It's bad. If Kashmir [again, the place, not the song] is the most dangerous place on earth, then the second most dangerous is the Taiwan Strait. Taiwan's got 400,000 troops on high alert; the size of China's war games is unprecedented." Sam asks, "Have you thought about asking Taiwan to call off the Patriot tests?" to which POTUS answers, "You think I should?" "No, sir," Sam replies. "Why not?" "Because China's got three hundred missiles pointed at Taiwan; why shouldn't they be able to defend themselves?" (chess move) Sam declares. "That's right," POTUS says, "plus guess what?" (Chess move.) POTUS continues: "The Patriot tests aren't why China's showing its teeth." Sam is surprised and intrigued. The President leans forward a tiny bit. "Are you ready to come inside?" he says as music starts to let us know this is Important Information. Bartlet continues, "By the end of the week, Taiwan is going to announce they are holding their first free elections." The music gets louder, of course. "You're kidding," says a stunned Sam. Bartlet looks at Sam, and advises, "Defend your queen." It's a nice scene. It's really good to see Sam getting some face time with the President, and it's great that the President appears to be taking an interest in Sam. Too bad about the hokey framing.
Chinese Ambassador David Lo Pan is at the White House looking for a girl with green eyes. Uh...sorry, that was a movie. The Chinese Ambassador is back from Chinatown, where he was tending to Faye Dunaway's eye socket. No, that's not it either. Oh, the Chinese Ambassador is back from trying to break up Tango & Cash. Aw, fudge. Well, regardless of what he was doing before his arrival at the White House, he's now sitting in a stuffy room with two aides to him and Leo, Nancy, and (I assume) a Chinese relations specialist across the way. Between the Chinese and American parties, there is a small table with a crystal bowl on it. The crystal bowl contains no delicious treats, and therefore we cannot expect good things from this meeting. No snacks, no progress. When will they learn about the healing power of sugar and milk fat? The Chinese Ambassador says he is at the White House because America has "discovered [that] calling us reckless is not working." Nancy is having none of it, and shoots back, "Taiwan is a geo-strategic [geo-strategic? Where's the chess board?] centre for commerce. It sits on an oil lane for Asia and the Middle East. Unnecessarily militarizing on such a large scale is, in fact, reckless." The Chinese Ambassador -- already a bit miffed at the lack of Hershey bars and Sugar Daddys in the bowl in front of him -- replies, "Taiwan is a part of China and is not a protectorate of the United States. And it is your action that is an encroachment on Chinese sovereignty." Uh oh. Logic. Leo better turn this around...and fast: "Our battle carrier groups are in international waters. Are you claiming jurisdiction?" "No," replies the snack-deprived Chinese Ambassador. "Then let's settle down," Leo says in his Leo way. The Chinese Ambassador -- now looking around the table and seeing Nancy and Leo as a pair of talking Twix bars -- introduces the topic of the Shanghai Communiqué. Nancy lays out the American view of the Communiqué: "There is but one China, and Taiwan is a part of China, and the United States government does not challenge that position." The Communiqué between Nixon and Mao says that America acknowledges but doesn't necessarily endorse the One China policy making for (by design, I'm sure) vague and very interpretable policy. She goes on to say that the U.S. is only interested in the solution of the "Taiwan Question" by the Chinese (meaning the Chinese people of China and Taiwan) themselves. Okay, so America wants to have its egg roll and eat it, too. Ambassador No Snack lays down the obvious answer to Nancy's stated position -- namely, that it's hard to settle the Taiwan Question when America is supplying Taiwan with arms. Leo says that topic is not up for discussion, at which time the Ambassador has got to be wondering why he came to the White House at all, and vowing that if they ever come to the Chinese Embassy, he'll eat Pixy Stix in front of them while making overt "mmmm mmmm ooooh" noises. Bottom line: China's going ahead with the war games as soon as the Patriots are tested.
Donna's back from the cold, declaring in an end-of-discussion kind of way that those two votes are lost. Josh and Donna go back and forth on the issues cited as reason the Flenders are voting for Ritchie, and Josh combatively argues each point to Donna as if it's she who's voting against Bartlet. It's rude and annoying. After this mind-numbing policy talk, Josh sends Donna back outside for another round of cell phone fun with the Flenders. Josh is a jerk. Donna has no spine.
On her way out, Donna passes Charlie, who asks whether she's seen his copy of the President's personal schedule. She hasn't. We're now playing Camera Tag, and Charlie is It. We follow Charlie, who bumps into Josh and asks whether Josh has seen Charlie's copy of the President's personal schedule. Josh hasn't, either. Charlie mentally retraces his steps in the last hour. Thinking...thinking...Newman! I mean, C.J.! Charlie makes his way to C.J.'s office and greets her, "Hello." "Chas," replies C.J., knowing full well what's coming up. "You wouldn't happen to know where my copy of the private schedule is, would you?" asks Charlie.
C.J.: Did you lose it?
Charlie: I don't believe I did, no.
C.J.: Yet you don't have it.
Charlie: Odd.
Carol pops in to say "he'd like [C.J.] for a moment." C.J. exits, and Charlie follows directly behind her.
Charlie: Where is it?
C.J.: How would I know?
Charlie: Where is it?
C.J.: I just hope you didn't leave the building with it.
Charlie: Give it up, Tiny.
C.J.: [laughing] No-o-o. Think you're going to want to talk nicer to me than that, because when a reporter finds it, they're going to come to me, and that thing is stamped D12, and you signed out D12, and rules are rules.
Charlie: Funny.
C.J.: What?
Charlie: I never told you it was D12.
C.J.: How about that? You'll find it in your filing cabinet under 'A' for 'anal.'
Two grunts who've picked up the tail end of the conversation ["that would be the infamous Ed and Larry" -- Wing Chun] shared puzzled looks. "I don't really want to know what he's going to find in his filing cabinet. Do you?" asks Thin Grunt. "Noooooo," replies Plumper Grunt.
Meanwhile, in the Oval Office, Old Man Thinner and Generals Mix and Match thank the President for an off-camera meeting and exit; C.J. strolls in. Leo is there, and he wants C.J. to leak that the U.S.S. Carl Vinson is going to do what's called a passing exercise with the U.S.S. Independence; Leo wants South China media to pick it up right away. A passing exercise (known as "Passex" in the military) involves ship-to-ship communication like radio, light flashes, and flag signaling as well as maneuvering drills, and has very little to do with farting. C.J. leaves to leak the story. Charlie pops in and lets the President know that Toby is waiting. POTUS lets Leo go. Toby enters the room a little cautiously. Will the President go apeshit on him for their last meeting? That has to be somewhere in the back of Toby's mind. "Good evening Mr. President, welcome back," says Toby. "Thanks," POTUS replies, "c'mon in." With a little circular gesture worthy of a Sam Seaborn, Toby presents a note and says, "I think this note was delivered to me by mistake." Bartlet walks around in the front of his desk and asks, "What's it say?" "Come play chess, the greatest metaphor ever," Toby states. "No, that's for you," POTUS explains, "and prepare to be metaphoricalized. Old-school style." Toby states that it reads, "Sigmund, come play chess," to which the President says, "That was a joke. Not so funny, eh?" Eager to change the subject, Toby remarks upon how beautiful a chess set it is, and oh lordy lordy he gives Bartlet another opportunity to give us a little history about it. Rule #1 about Chess Club: Don't talk about Chess Club. Getting down to brass tacks, the President removes his jacket and asks Toby to sit. "Look, you were out of line, I was a jackass -- let's call it a truce," says the President in a refreshing moment of honesty. Toby returns the sentiment: "Well, I certainly apologize, sir." POTUS moseys over to the chess set, parks the Presidential bum on the sofa, and says, "Let's play chess." "Aren't you in the middle of a game with Sam?" asks Toby, hoping to get out of the room as soon as possible. Bartlet, being all smart and proud of himself and his big juicy Chess Club brain, declares, "Yeah, but he's....one, two, four, eight, twelve moves from checkmate. You take white." Sorry, Toby; no getting out of this one. That sounded like a Presidential Chess Playing Order if ever there was one. I reckon there're issues to be worked out between these two recent antagonists, and what better backdrop for the attempted resolution of the matter than The Game of Chess? I'll tell you what: Uno. If you're talking strategy, backstabbing, frustration, and comeuppance then you, my friend, are talking about Uno. ["Or Pop-a-Matic Trouble." -- Wing Chun]
After Bartlet goes off on yet another History of Chess tangent, Toby makes his opening move; as with Sam, the President makes a comment: "Ah, the Evans Gambit..." "There's no such thing as the Evans Gambit," says Toby. Oh, way to go, Toby. Didn't you get the memo? The first rule of Chess Club is not to talk about Chess Club. The second rule is not to challenge Bartlet's knowledge of chess strategy. That's just a lose-lose situation. The only person who wins is the writer looking for some filler. After thirty-four minutes from Bartlet on the origin of the nipple on top of the bishop piece, Toby asks, "What is our topic?" (Chess move.) Oh boy. Worms. Cans. Open.
Bartlet: Re-election and the Bartlet Psychosis. [chess move]
Toby: Seems to me the last time we were here, we didn't do too well. [chess move]
Bartlet: So we get right back on the horse. [chess move]
Toby: I was out of line sir, I really do apologize.
Bartlet: You apologized already, so let's get back on the horse.
Toby: Neither one of us rides horses. [chess move]
Bartlet: That makes it more likely we'll learn something. [chess move]
Oh, chess. Is there anything you can't teach us? Knock knock! It's Charlie, who relays Sam's move (Bishop to Queen's Knight 3). Bartlet says, "Excuse me, eleven moves," as he leaves the room. What a smug little bastard!
The President is now in Sam's office, continuing the match. Sam is studying the board. Hard. "Take your time," Sensei Bartlet soothes. "See the whole board...think happy thoughts." Unable to think, Sam cries, "Sir!" and President Yoda starts yapping again, this time making an A to B to C to D connection between the first Spanish chess importers and the topographic status of the Hudson River. Excuse me, Mr. President, excuse me, Mr. Sorkin, but James Burke asked me to tell you to send his royalty cheques to him care of the BBC. Sam mercifully stops the Presidential train of thought: "I'm taking your rook." POTUS gets up and makes his move quickly, saying, "Now, take your time...see the whole board." After a little chit-chat about the finer points of water body definitions, Sam brings us back to President Yoda's lesson at hand.
Sam: Do you mind me asking how the meeting with the Chinese Ambassador went?
POTUS: Well, how do you think it went? ["Geez, script template much?" -- Glark]
Sam: [thinking] I think they said if Taiwan tests their Patriots, they will start their exercises.
POTUS: That's right, except that they didn't call them "Patriots." What did they call them?
Sam: "U.S.-made Patriots."
POTUS: Right....
Sam: They want us to say we will roll back our sales of arms to Taiwan.
POTUS: Good...adventure, heh! Excitement, heh! A President craves not these things.
Sam: But we're not going to stop arming Taiwan.
POTUS: No.
Sam: Especially now, when they are trying to hold free elections.
POTUS: Right.
Sam: Plus it's the law.
POTUS: Yeah.
Sam: So we sell them the Orions, we sell them the AMRAMs...
POTUS: You gonna move?
Sam: Hang on...you got two carrier groups headed to the Taiwan Strait...
POTUS: Move.
Sam: Plus the Carl Vinson in the South China Sea. Bejing wants you to scale back the weapons, but you're not going to do it.
POTUS: Right. I'm going back to Toby in the other room; he's trying the Balducci attack.
Sam: How does it work?
The President says, "See the whole board!" as he leaves the room. Sam's thinking...Sam's thinking...BOING! "The Aegis destroyers," he says to no one in particular, since the room is very much empty.
It's Love Fish feeding time in C.J.'s office when Josh walks in to see if she wants in on the pizza he's going to get. Wow, he's getting it? In his current jerk mode, one might be tempted into assuming he would have sent Donna out for it while she campaigned on his cell phone. "Oh, I'll get it, I want to get some air," C.J. offers. "We need three," says Josh. C.J. catalogs the pizza data and reminds Josh, "Forty-five minutes until Hartsfield's Landing..." "We're working the room," Josh says. Uh, Josh? "We're"? As in Donna doing the work and you bitching at her? Oh, okay, Josh, as long as we understand each other. "It is absurd," Josh continues, "that forty-two people have this much power." C.J. think's it's nice: "I think it's democracy at its purest. They all gather at once..." blah blah blah small-town America democracycakes. "This is the difference between you and me..." says C.J. Josh interrupts: "You're a sap?" C.J. continues, "Those forty-two people are teaching us something about ourselves -- that freedom is the glory of God, that democracy is its birthright, and that our votes matter!" Josh, picking his battles carefully, asks, "You getting this pizza?" Josh may be a jerk, but he understands that pizza is the life's blood of an office working overtime. C.J. picks up the phone receiver. Oh -- she picks up the whole phone along with the receiver. Ah! The base of the phone is glued to the receiver. C.J.'s getting the pizza, but Revenge? It's what's for dinner. "He Krazy Glued my phone!" exclaims C.J. "Charlie Krazy Glued...my...phone. Okay, now we're playing for keeps." C.J. takes off for pizza and probably a side order of wacky hijinx.
With that impeccable West Wing timing, Donna walks in as C.J. leaves. "How'd it go?" asks Josh. Donna relays the latest reason given by the Hartsfield's Landers as to why they are not voting for Bartlet. Josh then yells policy at Donna like it's her fault...blah blah blah Josh is a jerkcakes. Then Josh double-hands Donna this big honking binder of Bartlet for New Hampshire literature and policy notes and sends her off again. Jerk!
As Donna takes off, Leo enters (what timing!) and sounds not unlike Yogi Bear as he asks, "Whaddya doing?"
Josh: Just trying to get a little pizza in an uncivilized world.
Leo: It's not easy being you, is it?
Josh: No. Listen...just so I shouldn't sweat...there's a predetermined time for the carrier groups?
Leo: Half the meeting wants to let them go.
Josh: Half the meeting always wants to let them go.
Leo: They need 400,000 troops on high alert for thinking about holding an election. Four hundred thousand troops and a battery of Patriot missiles for thinking of having an election.
Josh: You're going to turn the carrier groups around, right?
Leo: We'll see how the pizza turns out.
Um, oookay. I'm puzzled...but hungry. Josh walks around, and then picks up a phone to call Donna outside and give her some more Bartlet's Good for America child-support facts before segueing into what Leo just told him about Taiwan. Donna says she needs to call the Flenders back, but really, she should have said, "Hey, jackass, it's bad enough I'm doing your go-nowhere shit work in the dead of winter. Do you have to make it worse by slowing me down?" "Josh" in this episode equals "assmunch."
Moving back to the Oval Office metaphor match, we see Toby thinking about his move while Big Jed engages in his annoying small-talk head games. "Let me tell you," he says, "you're really showing me something tonight...lotta spunk [Hee hee, the President said "spunk"!], lotta pluck. This game isn't all about size, you know. There's a little thing called heart, and you got it, my friend." Looks like Toby has had his fill of Uncle Jed's country time chess talk: "You know what, old man, the very minute they swear in the guy, you and I are going round and round." It has to be annoying or frustrating for the staff that Bartlet can and does hide behind his Presidential title to win, stop, or ignore discussions and arguments. They should have casual Fridays, when everyone comes to work in jeans and Hawaiian shirts and gets to talk to the Prez like a poker buddy and refer to him as "The Jedster" or "The Jed-Eye Master."
President: Check!
Toby: How'd you get good?
President: I had a friend in school who taught me, he was good....David Wheaton, everyone had a crush on his sister.
Toby: Still see him?
The President says, "No, he's dead, but thanks for asking." Then he starts crying and eventually finds comfort on Toby's shoulder before admitting he loves Toby "the most"...okay, not really.
Toby: Well, he taught you well.
President: Well, you know, I had this historic stretch of sleeplessness after our last meeting.
Toby: No, I didn't know.
President: Got so bad Leo got Adam from Northern Exposure, who said it was all your fault and that Eve was still driving him crazy at Chicago Hope.
Toby: I really am sorry about that.
President: I'm kidding.
Toby: About Northern Exposure?
President: About it all, damnit!
Toby: I forgot for a second that you really are hilarious.
President: Let's go ahead and say the Republicans nominate Ritchie. First, let's stop for a moment and say "why?" They got some serious guys in the field...
Toby: Democrats had a lot of serious guys in the field, and they nominated you.
President: That's true. [Toby checks]
President: You think the strike against me is nobody likes the smartest kid in the class.
Toby: Oh, I don't know, sir. Being the smartest kid in the class is a pretty good pitch. It's not a strike unless you watch it sail by.
President: I don't do that. [Toby checks] And I'm not a snob.
Toby: I don't believe you are.
President: If your guy is a good neighbour, if he puts in a day, if every once in a while he laughs, if every once in a while he thinks about someone else and above all if he can find is way to compassion and to tolerance, then he's my brother and I don't give a damn if he didn't get past finger-painting. What I can't stomach are people who are out to convince people that the educated are soft and privileged and not to make them feel like they're less than -- you know [in regular Joe voice] -- "He may be educated, but I'm plain-spoken just like you." Especially when we know education can be the silver bullet! It can be the silver bullet, Toby! For crime, poverty, unemployment, drugs, hatred --
Toby: Who you trying to convince?
President: I'm saying I don't watch the pitch go by. And if I do it's not because of my father --
Toby: He was an idiot.
Whoooooa, Toby! Whoa, boy! You just got back on track since the last time you met, and you pull out that gem? Have you forgotten the rule? The first rule of Jed's Dad Club is not to talk about Jed's Dad Club. So the President is a little miffed: "Can we talk about...God! Can we talk about...PLEASE...can we talk about my father with some respect? The man's gone...he wasn't a Dickens character." Toby mutters, "Yes, sir." Knock knock! Leo wants the President. There's tension in the air. The President checks. Toby moves. The President checks. Toby moves. The President checks. It's like the flow of the chess game is mirroring the mood in the room somehow! How can this be? How many supercomputers did it take to write that one? "I'll be back," POTUS informs Toby. "Don't cheat. I know exactly where the pieces on the board are. I know exactly where the piece on Sam's board are, and I know exactly where they are on David Wheaton's." Message to Toby: watch yourself, fucker; I never forget.
Nancy and Leo and waiting for the President. Nancy informs POTUS that "the carriers are thirty-five minutes from the Strait." Without missing a beat, POTUS responds, "All right, you can bring the ambassador back now, and get Beijing." Nancy says she needs the actual order (a.k.a. The American Ass Cover). The President says, "The Aegis Destroyers." Nancy nods. The Prez nods. Leo nods. Homer the vigilante nods at Principal Skinner the vigilante, who nods back at Homer a little more quickly and then Homer nods a little more quickly back at Skinner until the whole thing erupts in a hilarious super-nod fest. How is the President saying "The Aegis Destroyers" any more of any order than "all right, you can bring the ambassador back now and get Beijing"? Inquiring recappers want to know. "Just out of curiosity," asks Nancy, "what happens if that doesn't work?" "I don't know," answers POTUS, "but for sure we are going to blame you." "Yes, sir," Nancy says before she goes off to find a semen-stained dress in case she needs a little leverage one day.
Leo: What's going on?
President: Toby keeps saying I let the pitch go by.
Leo: What pitch?
President: I soften. I smooth myself out publicly. It's not a put-on, by the way, I'm honestly folksy.
Leo: Yeah.
President: "Yeah" what?
Leo: "Yeah" nothing.
President: "'Yeah' nothing" what?
Leo: "'"Yeah'" 'nothing'" nothing.
President: Huh?
Leo: Wha?
President: Eh?
Leo: Wut?
President: Feh.
Leo: Feh.
President: You agree with him?
Leo: I don't think you let the pitch go by; I think you foul it off.
President: Yeah, well, he keeps coming back at me.
Leo: You invited him back this time, didn't you?
President: All right.
Leo: So? What are you doing?
President: Just playing some chess.
Chess: The Other White Meat.
C.J. is back with Pizza Hut-brand pizza and sets off the really loud alarms that sound like the Enterprise circa Wrath of Khan going to red alert. That's some blatant product placement. I'm giving up Pizza Hut for Lent. Security rushes to C.J. as soon as the alarms are tripped. "Tommy, it's me!" yelps C.J. She guesses that her card must be "bent or something," but the security team is skeptical. Hey, that's their job, right? "Guys, it's me," pleads C.J. The guard studies the card and says, "Card says you're Charles Young." C.J. blurts out her reply before reality hits her: "Yes...well, okay, obviously, I'm not..." Oh she knows...she KNOWS! "Then why do you have a card that doesn't belong to you?" questions the guard. Leo walks in saying, "What's going on?" "Mr. McGarry," the guard says, "this woman has a card that doesn't belong to her." Leo's a little flummoxed by this whole thing, so C.J. fills in the blanks. C.J. starts to explain Charlie's role in these wicked games they play that make me feel this way but is pushed back when she makes a small gesture of advance. Stunned by this, a wide-eyed C.J. stammers out an "oh my god." Leo tells Tommy the Guard to send her in with an appointment. "An APPOINTMENT?!" C.J. yells. "Be in your office in fifteen minutes," Leo tells C.J. Another point in the Win column for Charlie.
Meanwhile, Donna is talking to the New Hampshire holdouts. Again. Some more. Still. Blah blah blah selling the Presidentcakes. Josh (getting a little shore leave from the U.S.S. Bad Boss where he serves as Chief Petty Officer) walks up (without his coat and cold...GOOD), tells Donna to forget about it, and ends the call with a line about salmon being good on a bagel. By the way, that's how I proposed to Wing -- with a line about salmon on a bagel...and we've had lox of good times ever since. ["Oh, BOO! It's over." -- Wing Chun] As the camera pans away, Josh complains, "It's freezing out here." I can only assume Donna kneed him in the balls off-camera for that.
There's still more Chess Metaphor fun to be had in the Oval Office. Toby relates a story the First Lady told him about the President talking the King of Sweden's ear off about Bartlet's child's schoolwork at a party just hours after getting his Nobel Prize.
President: What's your point?
Toby: You're a good father -- you don't have to act like it. You're the president -- you don't have to act like it. You're a good man -- you don't have to act like it. You're not "just folks." You're not "plain-spoken." Do not, do not, do not act like it.
President: I don't want to be killed.
Toby: Then make this election about smart. And not. Make it about engaged. And not. Qualified and not. Make it about heavyweight. You're a heavyweight. And you've been holding me up for too many rounds.
With that, Toby surrenders the game and knocks his king down. That would be a pretty refreshing sentiment to hear in an election. If this is going to be Sorkin's way of poo-pooing America for voting for Good Neighbour President Bush over Smart Robot Gore, then I'm all for it. Bush is one scary-dumb feller. The President demands, "Pick your king up. We're not done playing yet."
we see Charlie waiting for C.J. in her office, presumably called there by Leo.
C.J.: Hello.
Charlie: How ya doing?
C.J.: You really want to dance with me?
Charlie: Wouldn't it have been a lot easier to respect the rules and regulations?
C.J.: What are you doing in here?
Charlie: Leo told me to be in here.
Leo enters and gets two words out before C.J. and Charlie both start shouting their cases, simultaneously, to Leo. "All right," shouts Leo, "I think it's fine that people blow off a little steam, but now it's DONE, and it's time for one of you to be a little mature." Charlie's down with that: "Well, god knows C.J.'s a lot more mature than I am." "Hey!" C.J. protests. Carol pops in the door (she does that) to collect Leo for Nancy. "Well, okay, it's over. That's that," says C.J. She drops her paperwork on her desk, which promptly collapses. "So how long do you usually make people your bitch?" asks C.J., surveying what used to be a perfectly serviceable desk. "Depends," deadpans Charlie. And so ends the hi-lair-e-ous C.J. & Charlie hijinx which, to tell the truth, were not all that hilarious. Or in character. Or imaginative. It's comic relief to defuse the serious chess-tacular goings-on, but I'm relieved to see it end. There's something icky about C.J. referring to herself as a bitch.
Another scene, another chess-wrapped strategy lesson with Sam. This is getting monotonous. The President returns to Sam's office.
President: Sorry, I got tied up.
Sam: No, that's fine.
Sam's been busy looking stuff up during the President's absence. Turns out Eisenhower wouldn't put U.S. troops near Chinese troops because a war could break over just one shot, so Sam wonders, if Ike wouldn't send in forces..."Why are you?"
President: Look at the whole board.
Sam: I am.
President: Feel the force.
Sam: I am.
President: Harness the energy of the Dark Crystal.
Sam: I am.
President: Do the Hustle.
Sam: I am.
President: You're not.
Sam: I'm trying...why put the carrier groups into the Taiwan Strait?
President: Are they in the Taiwan Strait?
Sam: They are on their way.
President: Is that the same thing?
Sam: [thinking] How's this end?
With more of the impeccable timing we've come to expect from the West Wing staff, Leo knocks on the door with a note in his hand. Getting up, the President tells Sam, "Like this." He dismisses Leo and hands Sam the letter.
Sam: I'd like to try it without looking at the note.
President: Okay.
Sam: China agrees to stand down the war games.
President: Right.
Sam: And agrees to let Taiwan test the Patriots -- one Patriot.
President: Yes.
Sam: And we -- and I want to be right about this -- agree not to sell Taiwan the Aegis Destroyers for a period of -- I don't know -- five years.
President: Ten years, but you got it.
Sam goes on to say that the Aegis technology isn't an item the U.S. really wants Taiwan to have if reunification is a possibility, and furthermore, Taiwan can't really afford them. To this, President Yoda asks, "And so?" Sam: "You never were going to sell them the destroyers." President: "No, but everyone wakes up alive in the morning and saves a little face, but I'm sorry, Sam, you didn't answer the Taiwan Daily Double in the form of a question. Tough luck." Sam blubbers about not knowing how the President does it. The President replies, "You get a lot of help, you listen to everybody, then you call the play. Sam, you're going to run for President one day. Don't be scared. You can do it. I believe in you....that's checkmate." Awwww. How nice is it to see Jed and Sam getting all father and son-y? That's a relationship -- mixed with the parting non-chess wisdom -- I could use a lot more of on the show.
Having run its course and having brought a serviceable character-centric episode down a few notches, the Lazy Metaphor is put to rest. The episode fades out over pre-results coverage of Hartsfield's Landing on CNN. The little news ticker reads, "Donna, take the dot-com job."