By Deborah
Previously on The West Wing: Leo brought in strategist Bruno Gianelli, much to the chagrin of senior staff; Bruno made it clear he's not going to lose this election; Sam and Connie talked about what her job is, exactly; Abby clarified for Oliver Babish that she is Dr. Bartlet, not "Mrs.," and wonders why she dropped the appropriate honorific during the campaign.
We hear Leo's voice saying, "One, day I'm going to get called to the Situation Room and it's going to be good news." I wouldn't hold my breath. Seems like the Situation Room is nothing but bad news and problems. As we see him enter the Situation Room, and walk over to Nancy (who's standing there listening to him rant), he continues, "We'll have discovered buried treasure, or it turns out there's life on Andromeda and they think we're doing a good job. When's that day gonna come, Nancy? When's that gonna happen?" Nancy, humourlessly: "Settle down." Leo asks what she needs. Turns out they've lost contact with the USS Portland, a Sea Wolf class sub, which was supposed to report in yesterday at 1400, and surface to periscope depth in order to download and upload deterrence intelligence data. Leo suggests that they've gone quiet. Nancy thinks that's possible, but they usually call in and say they're going quiet. Leo wonders about other possibilities. Nancy: "That they've lost all power and they're drifting aimlessly in hostile waters." Leo: "What hostile waters?" The sub's in the Yellow Sea, and their last reported location was sixty miles due west of Seoul. Leo: "We haven't heard from them and they're in North Korea?" He wonders what preparations have been made if they need to order "a massive and undetectable rescue mission." Nancy rattles off a list of all the military vehicles (and their associated weaponry) that have been readied, and adds, "They practice for this all the time, but we shouldn't do it. Not yet." She thinks they've gone quiet. Leo objects that she said they usually call. She says that's true. Wouldn't that, in fact, be a really crucial thing to do? Isn't it utterly logical that not calling would be cause for concern? This whole thing has the feel of a red herring from the get-go. Leo says he has to tell POTUS. Nancy says, "The President's going to hit the panic button, Leo. If the Portland went quiet, it's 'cause somebody's sitting on top of them. These guys know what they're doing." Leo says he'll be back.
In the Oval Office, Jed looks out the window and says, "The propellers aren't going." Charlie, getting POTUS ready for a trip, acknowledges this. Jed wonders whether they know he wants to leave now. Charlie says they do, and suggests maybe they're saving fuel. Jed replies, "That makes sense. Also, there's a chance I could get hit getting on or off." This tickles Charlie and he chuckles, "Yeah." Jed: "Sorry?" Charlie: "Sir?" Jed says, "You think I'm not tall enough to get hit in the neck by the propellers on Marine One?" Charlie replies, "I think Dikembe Mutombo isn't tall enough to get hit in the neck by the propellers on Marine One." I'll assume that's some giant basketball player. ["Yes. According to NBA.com, he's seven feet, two inches tall." -- Wing Chun] Charlie wisely refrains from adding, "I knew Dikembe Mutombo. Dikembe Mutombo was a friend of mine. And, Mr. President, you're no Dikembe Mutombo." But I would have. Jed says he ducks when he gets on, and so should Charlie, it being "just good safety sense" and all. Jed grabs his jacket, does an excellent Coat Flip, and announces, "Filing Day, Charlie. Last to get on the ballot in New Hampshire. And I'm going myself. Oh, I could send an aide..." Charlie, on cue: "But you're going yourself?" Jed says he is: "Always have, always will." Charlie points out, "There's nothing left to run for after this." What about Grand Poobah of the Royal Order of Water Buffaloes? Jed revises: "Fair enough. Always have, never will." I guess Fred Flintstone can rest easy. Jed reiterates that he's going himself, and asks, "You know why?" Of course Charlie does: "It's a statement about democracy?" Jed, tossing Charlie a book to pack: "It's a profound statement about democracy. Are you mocking me?" Charlie claims not to be. Jed: "The thing before wasn't a crack about my height?" As Charlie helps Jed on with his overcoat, he says, "No...yeah, it was."
Leo arrives and asks whether Jed's all set to leave. Jed says he is, and that he's going himself. Leo declares, "It's a profound statement about democracy." Perhaps we could have a lot less Seinfeldesque repetition of dialogue, which there's been more and more of in recent episodes, and which I find really irritating and bordering on lazy, and more advancement of plot and characterization. ["Eh, it's always been like that, if you ask me. And it's always been lazy, in my view." -- Wing Chun] Some explanation of exactly why this is such a "profound" statement about democracy would be dandy, too. Jed insists it's not a problem, and that he'll be back in two hours. Leo claims to think it's great, and sets him up by acknowledging how much he loves doing it, to which Jed begins to say it's his all-time favourite...something, when Leo announces."Yeah, you can't go." Jed wants to know why not. Leo explains, "This is one of those things we've talked about that sounds worse than it is because of your inexperience with the military." Jed asks what it is. Leo tells him about the sub, which he describes as a "nuclear class, or big submarine" -- how dense is Jed supposed to be about the military? Cripes, even I know that. Anyway, after giving Jed the Submarines for Dummies version of things, he explains that they don't have the sub at the moment. POTUS asks what that means. Leo replies, "Well, as you know, with our ships, our boats, and our submarines, we keep in pretty close touch with radar, sonar, satellites, radio, encrypted messages...and we don't have the Portland right now." Jed repeats, "We don't have it?" Leo explains that the sub was in North Korea last they knew, and they're setting up meetings about what to do. "Plus if anything happens, I don't like people knowing you were running for election while the boat was out there." Jed removes his overcoat, saying, "No, I think I'll go ahead and cancel that trip, Leo, if only to stick around and see how this sounds worse than it really is." Leo says he'll stick around, too. Jed: "I think you will." As the music swells, we see an odd shot (through the French door by which he was standing) of the door closing, and Jed looking out the window as if toward the helicopter, but his face is bisected by a window mullion. Credits.
We're in C.J.'s office, although for a moment I think I've stumbled into an episode of Queer as Folk or something because the music is (get this): Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy." She seems to be listening to the radio as she types away on her laptop. ["Sars and I were hoping that was her Windows start-up sound." -- Wing Chun] She's gotten her hair cut recently, and there are more bangs in front; I like it this way best of all. "I'm too sexy for my love, too sexy for my love. Love's going to leave me. I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt. So sexy it hurts." Carol announces her arrival, and C.J. says she's glad and asks her what the song is about. Carol listens for a moment and tells her the title. C.J. takes the coffee and newspapers Carol's brought her and says, "Yeah, for his shirt, he's too sexy." Yeah, well, it sorta rhymes with "hurts." No one ever accused RSF of being Ogden Nash. Carol says, "Other things, too." C.J.: "He lists them." Well, it's essential that we know all the things for which he is, in fact, too sexy. Carol replies that she thinks he's feeling good and sexy. C.J., probing: "Too sexy." They finally agree that it's hyperbole. Carol starts to return to her desk and C.J. asks, "So it's not a problem? It's not a song about somebody having a problem?" Carol says no. Somehow I think this exchange would have worked a lot better between POTUS and some much younger person, than C.J., who's rather too hip for this. I mean, she knows "The Jackal." Does she really not get this song? She's really never heard it before? That strains credulity. ["That's why it would have been awesome if a couple of verses of it were her Windows start-up sound. And if her Windows shut-down sound was Cartman saying, 'Screw you guys, I'm going home.'" -- Wing Chun] On to business: Carol asks whether C.J.'s seen the wires yet; she hasn't. Carol says that the Majority Leader was doing local news in Cleveland last night and he was asked why he wants to be President. C.J. asks what he said; Carol responds, "I really don't know." She adds that it was a "train wreck," and before she can say much more, C.J. orders her to get the transcripts. Carol hasn't even had the chance to remove her coat, but dutifully zips off. We see C.J. standing by her desk, subtly shaking her booty to the rhythm of the music.
"'Ten-hut!" Leo and Jed arrive at the Situation Room. Jed comes in yelling, "Where's the damn submarine, Nancy? I don't want to hear 'I don't know.' I want to hear how many people are out there swimming around looking for it!" I want to hear Nancy tell him to settle down. Instead, she replies, "See, and I thought you were gonna panic, sir." Leo says, "Nancy, I happen to agree with the President -- who, on military matters, by the way, is a lot smarter..." Jed: "Shaddap." Leo: "Yeah." Jed asks how long the crew can survive down there; Nancy says they don't know what's going on. A dude in military uniform -- someone we've seen several times before but whose name I either can't remember or haven't been told -- asks whether POTUS wants the worst-case scenario. POTUS does. Military dude says, "If they're flooding, it could be a matter of hours." Jed looks concerned. He pauses and asks how close they are to landfall. Nancy explains they're about 4,000 yards off the southern coast of Kaesong in Haeju Bay. Jed incredulously asks, "Four thousand yards? They get that close?" Nancy says they set a wiretap on a cable in North Korea's coastal operations zone. Jed's still marvelling over the distance. He asks Leo, "Can they send a distress signal?" Leo says they can, but that they won't if they think there's the risk of detection. Jed inquires, "They would wait to send a distress signal and risk their lives?" Well, they're kinda screwed either way, aren't they? And a distress signal would probably bring the North Koreans faster than any Americans who could rescue them. Nancy says, "Mr. President, submariners understand that if they sink, it won't be a rescue, it'll be a recovery. They measure risk and rewards not just in terms of their own lives, but in terms of national interest." Jed sarcastically responds, "Well, that's great! I assess the national interest by the number of people alive, not dead! You have four hours before I order the Pacific Fleet into Haeju Bay."
Jed gets up and Leo follows him out, saying as they walk back upstairs, "We need to weigh in with somebody at State." Jed agrees, and asks whether Peter is still recovering. Leo says he is. Jed says they'll talk to somebody else, somebody they trust, anybody but... Leo: "Albie Duncan." "Albie"? Is that short for Albert? Jed agrees: "Right, anybody but him." Leo clarifies: "No, I'm saying it's gotta be Albie Duncan." Leo claims that Duncan knows what he's talking about. Jed says that Peter does, too. Leo reminds Jed that Peter's recovering from heart surgery. Jed can't remember whether it was serious heart surgery. Leo insists it has to be Albie. Jed complains, "He's gonna scold me. He's been at the State Department since Truman and he thinks I'm a kid and that he outranks me." Leo assures POTUS that he'll be fine. Jed mutters about having to tell him he lost a submarine. Somehow it doesn't seem to me that Bartlet has done anything wrong here. Nor has Nancy or anyone else involved. Stuff happens. Jed wonders, "Can I make something up? Like, 'What if a friend of mine, hypothetically...'" Leo says they'll meet with him as soon as he can get to the White House. Jed: "Bring a copy of the Constitution. I want to show him I'm not scared." As they near the Roosevelt Room they run into Bruno and Connie, who are arriving for a meeting. Jed asks Bruno, "Can you devise a campaign strategy that involves beating the crap out of Leo?" Bruno: "Why not?" Connie: "Yeah." Bruno and Connie go into the Roosevelt Room, where Sam is waiting.
Bruno says, "Let's get started. Where's Toby?" Sam replies, "He's in the--" "I don't care," Bruno interjects. He starts chucking flyers at Sam, saying they're direct-mail ads, and complaining about the slogans: "'Bartlet: Hopelessly liberal.' 'Bartlet: Super-liberal.' 'Bartlet: Liberal.' 'Liberal.' 'Liberal.'" Sam: "These aren't coming from our side, right?" Bruno assures him they're not. Sam asks whether Bruno wants to run an ad. Bruno announces, "The most dangerous time in an incumbent's campaign is before there's opposition." Connie adds that the hearings are around the corner. Bruno argues that there's a stealth war going on: "Leaflets, flyers, phone trees..." Sam wants to know what this is going to cost. Bruno says this will cost $1.5 million, but that in the three months, he will need $8 million for new ads and airtime. Sam replies, "Work up an ad for sixty bucks and a waffle and we'll talk." Connie says, "Sam..." He says they're going to need that money in Iowa in nine weeks. That's January 16, 2002, folks. Mark it on your calendars. Connie thinks that if they don't spend the money now, they're going to have problems in Iowa. Sam points out that they don't even know whether there's a challenger yet. As if in either the real or fictional world there wouldn't be. Connie says, "And if there is one, we'd like to scare him off." Sam asks, "And you don't think the best way to do that is to keep the war chest intact?" Bruno pipes up: "Aha! You're talking about hard money." Sam replies, "Yeah, I'm talking about hard money. What are you talking about?" I would think that would be obvious to Sam. ["See what I mean when I say these characters are dumber this year?" -- Wing Chun] Bruno gestures with a flyer but doesn't say anything. Suddenly, Toby comes in, and after saying "Excuse me," and greeting no one, he asks Sam, "What does $105 million mean to you?" Sam doesn't understand the question. Toby explains, "I just got tipped that the new budget will include an additional $105 million for the National Parks Service, and that number means something and I can't remember what!" Sam doesn't know. Nobody in the room knows. Toby takes off through a different door than the one he used to enter, and says he'll be back.
Out in the hall, Toby runs into Ginger, whose hair is super-straight and shoulder-length. It suddenly strikes me that I can't remember how she usually wears her hair -- curly? up? both? -- but this seems different. He asks her, "Does $105 million mean anything to you?" She replies, "I'm a simple girl, Toby." Mm hmm. She walks off. Toby says, "Yes, yes, you are." Yeesh. He charges into the Communications area and says, "Bonnie, $105 million?" She states, "My answer hasn't changed since the last time you asked me."
Suddenly C.J. appears at the door, slightly out of breath, calling, "Toby!" He stops and turns and she stands in the doorway and deliberately does a little dance as she walks toward him singing, "I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my skirt, too sexy for the...other things." Toby truly seems uncertain about how to respond. Is it a come-on? A joke? Has she lost her mind? His face conveys both vague bemusement and discombobulation, not to mention what I perceive as a bit of excitement in his eyes. You can tell Allison Janney's really enjoying playing this scene with Richard Schiff. You go, girl. Toby asks her, "What in God's name is...?" She gleefully tells him, "He got the question!" Toby: "Who?" C.J.: "The Majority Leader!" Toby: "When?" C.J.: "Last night! Local news, Cleveland, Ohio, oh me-oh oh my-oh, Oh Cleveland, Ohio! He got the question!" She's practically squealing, if you can believe it. Bonnie asks what the question was; Toby supplies, "'Why do you want to be President?'" Bonnie asks about his response. C.J. reads: "'The reason I would run, were I to run, is I have great belief in this country as a country and in this people as a people that go into making this country a nation with the greatest natural resources and population of people...educated people.'" That is godawful. She simulates shooting a shotgun. Toby tells her he'll spread it around, and C.J. shimmies toward the camera to a little tune of "I'm too sexy for my shoes, too sexy for the blues, too sex-ay!" As she reaches the hallway, Toby remembers his mission and calls her back. He asks her about the $105 million. It means nothing to her. She starts to leave and then sticks her head back in, saying, "Except it's the same amount as the budget for the National Endowment for the Arts." She takes off. Wow, that is one sorry-ass budgetary amount. Toby says yeah as he heads into his office, then stops short and commands, "Get me..." Bonnie's on it: "I'll get her on the phone."
Oliver Babish arrives at his office where Dr. Abby Bartlet is waiting for him...in a wheelchair, with Stockard Channing's real broken ankle. He greets her: "Why, Dr. Bartlet." She tells him not to start with her. Huh? Oliver's as puzzled as I. She replies, "All right, you want to give me grief about my ankle, do it quickly, get it over with, so we can move on with this rectal probe." You know, I'm not crazy about Babish either, but what's with all the 'tude? I mean, unless Abby broke her ankle table-dancing or something, why would he give her a lot of grief about it? Or any at all? He asks whether she knows why he calls her "Dr. Bartlet." I hope it's because it's her damn title. Abby says, "Because I have a medical license?" He acknowledges that, and adds, "And because, when I look at you, I think about health. Goodness, what happened to your ankle, Dr. Bartlet?" She says she broke it. "Otherwise I'd be ramming it up your..." She says it was in the newspapers. Oliver pretentiously declares, "I read Le Monde. Was it in Le Monde?" She says, "I don't know. I don't read Le Monde." Oliver: "Pity:" Deborah: "How much more of this?" Abby says she was hiking and asks, "Are you really that much an enemy of nature?" Holy crap, where is all this hostility coming from? It just feels forced and generally unfunny. Oliver then launches into one of those tedious and inane comments that despite their frequency on this show never manage to be anything but oddly ridiculous: "Nature is to be protected from. Nature, like a woman, will seduce you with its sights and its scents and its touch...and then it breaks your ankle. Also like a woman." Abby asks, "What the hell kind of dates are you going on, Oliver?" Well, let's remember he's been divorced four times. Clearly the man's track record sucks and he's got a lot of baggage about it. He says, "I hear ya." Could we get on with this already? Apparently we can: "So here's what I want you to do, Dr. Bartlet, and I'm speaking to you as White House Counsel to First Lady. I want you to make a national address encouraging women not to go hiking, or at least, not ask me to go with them." Oy. Shouldn't be a problem, dude. Abby asks if they can get to work. He reads, "'Jonathan Hawkings, Nina Alva, Maurice Blustein, Jessica Nording...' Do these names mean anything to you?" Abby wants to know where he got those names; he got them from some Democrats on Oversight. They're on the witness list, and they are some of the patients involved in malpractice suits against Abby. There have been seven altogether: four were dismissed as nuisance suits, two went to court, and one was settled. She says, "It's the life of a doctor." It doesn't look like she believes that though. Her eyes reflect hurt. Oliver states, "From this witness list, it is becoming clear to me what the President's biggest liability is going to be." "What?" Abby asks sharply. Oliver: "You." Commercials. Thank God. I could have lived without about 90% of that scene.
When we return, Valerie Mahaffey (Hey! It's That Woman from Northern Exposure, the one who played Eve. I loved the characters of Adam and Eve on that show) is waiting for Toby in the Mural Room. He enters, saying, "Tawny!" I thought at first that he said "Toni," but the closed captioning claims "Tawny." Tawny? Whatever. The first words out of her are, "'Throne,' by Rain Billings, a photographer from North Dakota whose work consists of Polaroids™ of his dysfunctional family in the bathroom." I've seen worse. Toby says, "Yes." She continues, "'One Horse, Two Horse' by Mark Moloney. He calls himself an installation artist." Toby asks, "Did your committee..." She talks right over him, "What it is, is two big-screen TVs, side by side, one of them with footage of black stallions running in reverse. The other one is showing The Godfather." Toby tries to say something but she just barrels along, "'Slut' is a one-word poem by Jules Waltz. It's stamped in scarlet on a piece of 40" x 40" black canvas. Here's a woman who gets naked, covers herself completely in chocolate and sings. Does that appeal to you?" I bet Karen Finley will take that last one as a personal shout-out. Toby replies, totally deadpan, "By and large, I'm not wild about musicals." Bwa! And you can bet I will take that as a personal shout-out to me. Tawny states that they're all projects funded by Oakenwood during his chairmanship of the NEA. Toby asks, "You're dissolving the Endowment to give more money to National Parks?" And she's off again, "'Hold the Lettuce,' Lydia Benedict's two bacon cheeseburgers were constructed from pieces of burlap and Rottweiler dung. It's not me, it's the Committee I work for." Which is? Toby says, "Look..." Suddenly there's a knock on the door and Sam comes in. He says, "Hey, Tawny." She replies, "Sam, have you heard of Andrew Hawkins?" Hey, have you heard of "Hello"? Sam hasn't heard of Andrew Hawkins. She informs him, "You funded his performance piece recently, which involves him destroying all his belongings outside a Starbucks in Haight-Ashbury." Sam, also deadpan, "I've done that a couple of times, but I didn't know there was funding available." Hee! Tawny says, "Yeah." He asks whether he may speak to Toby outside.
Out in the hall, Sam asks what's going on; Toby explains, "Appropriations wants to eliminate the NEA." Sam says that Bruno wants to run ads with soft money. Toby looks annoyed and says he'll be in when he can, and returns to the Mural Room for more of Tawny's haranguing. Sam suddenly remembers, "Oh, hey, you know what? The NEA, that's $105 million." Toby makes a little "I could have had a V-8 gesture" and says, "Yeah." Somehow he manages to sound only mildly sarcastic. He leaves.
C.J. comes along, snapping her fingers, and runs into Sam. She tells him the good news about the Majority Leader's flubs, demonstrating how bad it was by simulating choking. Sam asks for the transcript. C.J.'s got a question: "We've got an answer, right?" (To the question of why Bartlet wants to be President.) Sam says he's sure they do, but that he has to get back into his meeting. C.J. looks vaguely concerned, but bops off still quietly singing to herself, "I'm too sexy..."
Oliver and Abby. He says, "Arlene Neiderlander." Abby says she was the wife of a patient on whom she performed a coronary artery bypass graft, who filed a wrongful death suit claiming her husband died as a result of complications due to surgery. Oliver asks whether that's what happened. Abby explained that he developed an infection, as happens in 2% of CABG surgeries. Specifically, he developed mediastinitis. He was seventy-four and diabetic, and the infection spread to his liver. A New York Superior Court judge dismissed the case. Abby asks Oliver to explain the relationship between her malpractice suits and the investigation of POTUS. Wouldn't that be fairly clear to her by now? He says, "It's an investigation of you, too, Abby." He points out that she had prescriptions written in her name which she administered daily to the President, she's not a medical expert, she didn't keep records, she violated medical practices in three states, and adds that the fact that she treated a family member in itself is a violation of the AMA's Code of Ethics. Abby wants to know how this falls under the purview of the Committee. Oliver says it doesn't. She gets it: "They don't have a criminal case against the President, do they?" He says they don't. She realizes, "But they can develop one against me. And in going after me, they can paint the President, distract him from governing, distract the public's attention from the campaign." Oliver confirms all of this. Abby hesitates, her face very serious, and says, "It was an infection. It was a liver infection." Frankly, even if her record was previously spotless, I believe there'd be a pretty strong case for malpractice based on her actions with regard to Jed alone. Oliver asks whether they should keep going. She says, "Yeah."
Jed and Leo walk over to the doorway near Leo's office. Jed quietly says, "Let's not call North Korea just yet." Leo agrees. Jed asks Leo whether his gut feeling is that the boat has gone quiet; Leo says it is, and states, "Trust the captain, trust the crew." Jed studies his face for a moment and then says he'll wait three more hours. Leo says he thinks Albie should stay; he thinks Albie will be helpful. Jed adds, "Also, he'd be good to have around for morale, 'cause he's Mr. Happy Fun Guy." Jed asks Albie to stick around. Albie says he'll take that previously offered soft drink now. He asks for a Schweppes Bitter Lemon on ice with a twist. Jed calls Charlie in and says, "Charlie, could you have someone bring some Schweppes Bitter Lemon and a copy of the Constitutional Order of Succession, please?" Jed sits at his desk, pulls out some work and sighs. And it's half-time.
Josh is dictating a letter to Donna in his office. Both of them are standing; Donna's scribbling furiously on a steno pad and glaring at Josh a lot; he's trying to keep his tone civil as he plays with a squishy ball and paces around. The letter appears to be an apology to a politician for some transgression of Donna's involving a charter busload of elderly constituents, whose complaints she apparently heard "respectfully." Josh dictates, "'And I regret that matters escalated to the point where she felt it necessary to call in the Park Police. You will be happy to know their bus has been refuelled and that the seniors are on their way home, each having been allowed to keep their security tags as a souvenir.'" Donna says, "Look..." Josh, "'Signed...'" Donna: "I was just..." Josh: "Do it." C.J. comes in and asks if Josh has a second. Josh tersely tells Donna, "Type that." Donna, "Look, I was just..." Josh: "Type it." Donna looks miffed. "May I use your computer?" He asks why she can't use hers. Donna explains, "One of them poured Wheatena on the keyboard." Josh tells her to go ahead. She walks toward it as he tries to come out from behind his desk to talk to C.J. Josh and Donna end up doing that little dance where two people each keep moving the same way to let the other one pass. Only somehow it's not as cute as C.J. dancing around. Josh and Donna don't look at each other and Josh finally passes with a lot of obvious irritation. Wow, with the amount of petulant energy flying around this office, you'd think they were channelling Lindsay Dole and Bobby Donnell. I checked to make sure I hadn't slipped into some parallel universe where I'm still recapping The Practice.
As Josh reaches a somewhat puzzled C.J. at the door, he quietly says, "We had a little problem earlier. What's up?" She shares her glee over the Majority Leader's chokage. Josh seems to know already, and reads from the document she hands him, "'We have the greatest technology of any people of any country in the world along with the greatest -- not the greatest, but very serious problems confronting our people and I want to be President in order to focus on these problems in a way that uses the energy of our people to move us forward, basically." C.J.'s thrilled with just how bad it is. Josh adds, "It's the 'basically' that makes it art." C.J. suggests that the best thing to do is take a step back: "We can't be seen to be gloating." Though clearly, there's nothing she'd rather do. Hey, she should call up Ann Stark and lord it over her. Isn't that who Ann Stark works for? That would be a fun way to spend the afternoon. Josh replies, "Sure, yeah, we do that when nobody's looking." He asks whether there's anything else. She says no. Josh puts his fingers wearily to his eye and says, "They poured Wheatena on her keyboard." As he turns to leave, C.J. grabs his arm and says, "Listen, how good is our answer?" He assures her that it's good. She asks, "Really? What is it?" He says nothing, but looks kind of concerned, and finally asks, "Do we have one?" C.J.'s dismayed: "Josh!" He says he's sure they have one. As he starts to move away, she pleads "Will you check? Will you check today?" He says he will. C.J. sighs. She's not singing or wiggling around anymore.
Mural Room. Tawny and Toby. She's arguing, "No, the problem is that Oakenwood thinks the mission of the NEA is to subsidize artists in this country." Toby impatiently says, "The mission of the NEA is to subsidize artists in this country!" Tawny says, "Oh, then that's the problem." Toby clarifies that the NEA's mission is to subsidize not artists, but art. Tawny says, "Go ahead and explain that distinction in Topeka." Toby replies, "Well, they're pretty bright in Topeka. None of the artists you mentioned ever received any direct money from the Endowment. Why? Because the last time the Republicans tried to lose the NEA -- not three times ago, but the last time -- we got rid of the individual grants!" Tawny: "And your friend Oakenwood found a back door by giving the money directly to the museums that put on...Toby, do you like this stuff?" Oh, lord. It's not about what any individual person likes or dislikes as art. What a weak gambit. He states, "Tawny, you'd need the Budweiser Clydesdales to drag my ass to Picasso and Monet!" Hmph. I don't care for Toby's anti-art attitude. "I'm not the guy you want deciding this! And you're not the guy I want deciding this! And I don't know where you get the idea that taxpayers shouldn't have to pay for anything of which they disapprove! Lots of them don't like tanks. Even more of them don't like Congress." A mighty big 'word' to all of that. Someone knocks. It's Sam. Tawny's back in catalogue mode: "Lisa Mulberry, twenty-eight. Specializes in placing genitalia in anatomically incorrect..." Toby gestures with his hands and makes an inarticulate growly sound that's a mixture of frustration, irritation, and disgust. Actually, it reminds me a lot of a sound Frink is occasionally provoked to make when he's really annoyed with something. Sam says, "Excuse us." Tawny says, "Sure."
Sam and Toby talk in the hall. Toby says they can't spend soft money on a primary ad anyway. Sam says that Bruno is passing the "magic words" test, which is a loophole created by Buckley v. Valeo, a Supreme Court Case. Apparently, this case ruled that campaign-finance laws only apply to communications that, in express terms, advocate the election or defeat of a clearly identified candidate for federal office. Toby goes into the Roosevelt Room. Bruno's just getting off the phone and tells them, "If you don't put 'Vote Bartlet' in the ad, you can pay for it with unmarked bills from a bank heist if you want." "Heist" is a great word. Our war chest is less than heisty. Connie adds, "And we should know." Reference to contracts? She adds, "There's also Footnote 52, where the Court said campaign-finance laws only apply to communications with the terms 'vote for,' 'elect,' 'support,' 'cast your ballot for,' 'Smith for Congress,' 'vote against ,' 'defeat,' 'reject,' and that's it." Sam and Toby glance at each other. Connie softly says, "I'm savant-like," and sits down. Whatever you say. Toby says, "If it doesn't use those specific words..." Bruno says, "It's an 'issue' ad." Connie offers that money and politics are like "water on pavement." Sam asks why that is. Connie's not "savant-like" enough to know the answer and turns to Bruno, who supplies the explanation: "It finds every crack and crevice." Bruno has a way of talking with his jaw clenched, as though he's being forced to hold this meeting while undergoing a prostate exam. Sam, the good little Boy Scout, argues, "The standard ought to be, does the ad try to influence the outcome of the election? If so, you can't use soft money, period." That would seem to be a pretty difficult standard to enforce. Bruno replies, "Well, zippity-do-dah, Sam." Sam: "Excuse me?" Bruno replies, "That isn't what the standard is! And I think we should run in the same election as everybody else." Sam looks to Toby for a decision. Toby says he's got to go back into his other meeting: "When I come back, show me an ad without the magic words."
Abby and Oliver. She's talking about a case she settled for a $58,000 payout from SVM Mutual. It didn't come out during the campaign because there was a confidentiality clause. It turns out they've subpoenaed the papers from that case. She looks dismayed. Oliver starts to discuss the details of the case when she asks, "Is there a deal to be made?" He just stares at her and says nothing. She continues, "Oliver, I raise my right hand, they're halfway to where they want to be. Is there a deal?" Oliver can't guarantee they'll be interested. Abby grasps at straws: "But they might be?" Oliver replies, "If they felt putting you on the stand was too big a risk." Abby wonders why they would think that. Oliver cites "the story of the desperate man who breaks into the pharmacy to get medicine for his wife." She replies, "A life is saved; a window's broken. And I get to pay to have it fixed." Oliver says, "So they might be interested." She asks what they would want, and she wants him to start with the worst-case scenario. He replies, "Suspended jail sentence of three to five years." Abby: "All right, what's the one right above that?"
Back in the Oval Office, Albie Duncan is bloviating about submarines and the old days and Project Jennifer and everything that went wrong. Jed's at his desk looking through photos and diagrams of subs. He periodically looks up at Leo and Albie with slight contempt. While the camera's on Leo and Albie, we hear a banging sound; Leo and Albie turn to see Jed banging his head on his desk. Jed: "Oh God, I'm sorry. Am I still here?" Albie grumpily tells Jed he lost his submarine. Jed says he hasn't lost it yet, and that he's the only one in the building who seems to think they should be sending a rescue mission, and that he's an hour away from gathering the NSC and calling Japan. Albie retorts, "I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. I say, you lost your boat in the wrong part of the world, Mr. President." "Boat"? Are we allowed to call subs boats? Where's that clown from Sam's old law firm who seems to know all about what's a boat and what isn't? Jed appeals to Leo. Leo starts to say something to Albie, but Jed gets up, saying, "There was a U.N. action, Mr. Secretary. Sixteen countries were involved in that police action, Mr. Secretary...thirty-three, thirty-four thousand American dead. How come we're the only ones still fighting? Where did everybody go?" Albie replies, "Well, Colombia's fighting a drug war, Ethiopia's trying to feed itself, Belgium and the Netherlands...well, they've got cheese and chocolate to make, I suppose."
Someone knocks. It's Charlie bringing Josh in. Seeing Leo and Albie, Josh asks Leo whether there's something he should know, but Leo diplomatically says, "We're just catching up." Josh says his thing can wait. POTUS wants to hear it: "Give it to me now. I want a distraction." Josh says it has to do with the campaign. Jed says it's okay. Josh tells him that the Majority Leader got the question last night. Leo says, "He tanked." Josh says, "Yeah, and we're starting to put together an answer for when you get it." Jed: "The question?" Josh: "Why do you want to be President?" Jed: "I don't." Josh replies, "Well, we'll put that in the hopper and show you a draft." Jed: "Good." Josh leaves. Jed says, "Leo?" Leo looks at his watch and says, "Fifty-five minutes." The scene fades out with the three of them sitting in silence except for the ticking of a clock. Now for some more commercials.
Josh and C.J. are in her office brainstorming on the answer to The Question while Donna takes notes. I know they're busy, but isn't this really Sam and Toby's bailiwick? (Or, as an acquaintance of mine says, in what I consider the funniest of all malapropisms: "bellywig.") C.J.'s sitting in her chair, Josh is lying on the couch, and Donna's sitting in the chair opposite C.J. Josh states, "'This is a time of dizzying progress around the world. I'm running for re-election 'cause I want to make sure that all our people can share in twenty-first century jobs...'" C.J.: "'Jobs and industries we can't even imagine today...bring the benefits of new medical advancements to all our families...'" Josh: "'And harness new technology and the internet as a force for faster economic growth...'" ["The internet and economic growth? In the same sentence? Good luck with that." -- Wing Chun] C.J.: "'Better education and a freer exchange of ideas around the world.'" Josh says, "Yes." C.J. says, "There it is." Josh decides, "That's fine." Donna, however, is of another mind; her sole comment is a bilabial fricative. (You know, a Bronx cheer. A raspberry.) She looks up and smiles apprehensively. Josh asks, "You want to say something?" She says she doesn't. Josh says, "I thought it was --" and gives a bilabial fricative. He argues, "It's got crisp, commanding phrases, it's got active verbs like 'harness,' it paints a picture of the future..." Donna asks, "That's why somebody wants to become President? Medical research and the internet?" Josh admits, "She's got a point." C.J. offers, "Sometimes you get your face on a coin." Josh sits up and puts his hand to his head. "Okay...this shouldn't be hard."
Toby tells Tawny, "You guys should charge money for this, Tawny. You should sell tickets and charge money and call it 'Journey Back to Germany.' Where, in 1937, they held a show of degenerate art, vilifying art they deemed sick, art that featured insolent mockery of the divine, art that wasted the taxes of the German working people." Tawny placidly asks, "Well, how much do you think we could get?" Toby says, "Look..." Tawny states, "I think it's in incredibly bad taste to equate the U.S. Congress with the Nazis." Well, if a jackboot fits.... Toby says, "Me too. In Europe and Japan, they're spending between 1.5 and 3 billion on the arts! Congress thinks $105 million is indulgent?" Tawny: "Yes!" Good God. Toby counters, "There is a connection between the progress of a society and progress in the arts! The age of Pericles was also the age of Phidias. The age of Lorenzo de Medici was also the age of Leonardo da Vinci. The age of Elizabeth was the age of Shakespeare!" Well, that may be, but merely asserting contemporaneous existence doesn't prove a meaningful relationship between those things. Tawny declares, "Ain't none of these guys da Vinci or Shakespeare." Toby: "Says you!" Tawny gets up and suggests waiting until November and seeing how many voters agree with her. He says, "National Parks?" She says, "National Park security." He says, "Security? Really?" She says yeah. He claims the parks are safe: "We spend a lot of money on that." She says they could be safer. He thinks the money for that could come from someplace else. She asks, "Like where? New taxes?" He kind of sheepishly admits, "Yeah." He then inquires, "What do you want?" She cuts to the chase: "Get rid of Oakenwood. We'll find the money someplace else." He repeats, "Get rid of Oakenwood." She smiles sweetly and says, "Yeah."
Abby and Oliver. "What if I agree to a suspension of my license?" She suggests a suspension of her licenses, in all three states (New Hampshire, Missouri, and Arizona) in which she holds them, for the length of Jed's term and his subsequent term, if he serves one. She also suggests paying a fine, having the violation recorded in the Practitioner's Databank, and resigning from all boards and organizations: "That gives them a clear win, right?" Oliver says yes. Wow. So, in return for having agreed to support Jed in his first campaign (on the premise he would only run for one term), and having provided the medical care that has allowed him to function as a candidate and President, and now having been dragged along into his unilateral decision to run again, look at all she gets to give up. Certainly she has made mistakes, but she's not the only one. Why does it seem that she's getting the shorter end of the stick? Probably the worst that can happen to Jed is that he won't get re-elected. Abby asks what Oliver thinks. He says Abby's not his client, and that it's not his job to protect Abby's medical license. All of which is true, so why is she always yapping with Babish when she should be strategizing with a legal team of her own? Anyway, he thinks it's good: "Any White House Counsel would think it was good." Abby asks him to help her convince POTUS. He refuses, because "it stinks." Abby's confused: "You just said it was good." He reiterates that it stinks. Abby: "In a good way?" Oliver: "No." Abby: "Oliver..." He states, "You broke some laws, Abby, and quite frankly you should be ashamed of yourself, but, but...this investigation isn't about that. It's about the criminalization of politics. An attempt to do in a hearing room what they couldn't do at the ballot box." Abby replies, "I understand, but we don't have the luxury..." Oliver interrupts: "Abby, stop eating fruits. Stop eating vegetables. It's doing something bad to you." Wuh? "Fruits and vegetables will seduce you like a woman with..." Abby: "Oliver!" Oliver: "Truth isn't a luxury! You're going to go in there, you're going to swear an oath. You're going to get asked questions; you're going to tell the truth! It's the way you stand up and say, 'Stop!'" Abby just looks at him. Oliver sits down. After a moment, Abby says, "You should be careful, Oliver. You keep talking like a person, they're going to kick you out of the Bar." He replies, "I've been kicked out of bars before." She says he knows what she meant. He says he knows. He seems very uncomfortable with anything that's not confrontational.
Connie, Sam, and Bruno are brainstorming with some other folks. Bruno suggests saying "We're fighting to rebuild crumbling schools" instead of attributing the work to Bartlet specifically. Connie says there'll be a picture of Bartlet on the screen. Bruno says they can change "Vote Bartlet for America" to "Paid for by Democrats for America." Sam complains that they've changed five words. Connie says they're magic words. Sam says they aren't. Connie: "It's an illusion." Sam: "It's a scam." Connie: "Duh." Actually, she says, "Yeah."
Toby's wandered in by now and asks, "Where are we?" Sam stands up and says, "Bruno and Connie managed to fight their way out of the straitjacket of our campaign-finance laws." Bruno says, "It's an issue ad." Sam hollers, "It's a candidate ad with some words changed!" Connie: "Magic words." Sam: "Connie..." Bruno states, "I don't know of any way other way to fight fire, Toby." Sam asks, "Why are you so bent on countering these idiot leaflets?" Bruno explodes, "Because I am tired of working for candidates who make me think I should be embarrassed to believe what I believe, Sam!" Whoa! Bruno believes in something? Other than lining his own pockets? Wait, there's more: "I'm tired of getting them elected! We all need some therapy. Because somebody came along and said 'liberal' means 'soft on crime, soft on drugs, soft on Communism, soft on defense, and we're gonna tax you back to the Stone Age because people shouldn't have to go to work if they don't want to.' And instead of saying, 'Well, excuse me, you right-wing, reactionary, xenophobic, homophobic, anti-education, anti-choice, pro-gun, Leave it to Beaver trip back to the '50s,' we cowered in the corner and said, 'Please don't hurt me.' No more. I really don't care who's right, who's wrong. We're both right. We're both wrong. Let's have two parties, huh? What do you say?" Toby looks kind of tired and sheepish; Sam seems vaguely embarrassed. Toby says he agrees. Sam is concerned: "Toby..." Toby says, "So let's stick to the spirit of the law." Sam says the spirit of the law is no soft money. Toby means he wants to do an issue ad: "Let's do a bunch: health care, equal opportunity..." Connie suggests, "School construction." Toby likes that: "Does anyone think raising awareness of crumbling schools won't help us?" Sam responds, "There's actually a reasonable point here: new polls see Republicans as better on education with no basis for it." Bruno thinks the ad could spark a helpful debate on the issue. Sam adds, "And we take a parallel path on our free media." Bruno nods. Connie reads something she's been writing: "'Across America, our schools are crumbling: holes in the walls, kids packed into trailers like sardines in a can. Half of America's schools are in disrepair.'" Toby contributes: "'And when schools fall down, so do test scores.'" Bruno likes that. "This," he gestures at Toby, "isn't bad." Bruno sits down and asks, "Why am I nervous?" Sam suggests: "It's not amoral?" Bruno gives him a chuckle. Sam sits down and repeats Connie's first sentence. They all buckle down.
Back in the Oval Off -- Wait! Would you look at the time? It's the last five minutes of the show. Since I happen to be watching this on CTV and not NBC, whose viewers are constantly exhorted to not miss the last five minutes, I've just decided not to bother watching anymore. Good thing NBC makes sure its viewers don't make my crazy mistake!
Sorry, had to get that out of my system.
Anyway, in the Oval Office, Albie continues to bloviate about marine disasters of yore. There are a few members of the NSC hanging around, too. POTUS continues to look through stuff at his desk, trying to ignore Albie but obviously not succeeding. POTUS decides it's time. Albie says there's still ten minutes by his watch. Jed's had enough, and they're going now. They all get up and pedestrategize on their way down to the Situation Room. The NSC folks bring POTUS up to speed on all the military details of the rescue as they walk. If I hadn't thought all along that this whole story was a non-starter, I might bother to tell you the details, but since the story not only goes nowhere but also seems to serve little purpose other than to make Jed look like a bit of an idiot and to waste Hal Holbrook's talents, I shan't bother. Anyway, by the time he gets to the Situation Room, though, the rescue's a moot point; the Portland has made contact. Everyone listens to their radio communications. Jed clears his throat and announces to the people assembled, "All right. Okay. There they are. See, they went deep and quiet to avoid a close aboard with a LUDA-class destroyer. What you got to do in these situations is, you trust the captain, trust the crew." Leo says, "Yes, sir." POTUS leaves the Situation Room.
Back at the Oval Office, Jed stops by Charlie's desk and ascertains that his papers got filed. He asks Charlie twice, and Charlie confirms it twice. Jed, one more time: "So I'm on the ballot in New Hampshire?" Charlie says he is. Jed says okay. Charlie keeps hustling around doing stuff (bet he's damn busy since Mrs. Landingham still doesn't have a replacement). Jed pauses and finally launches into his oration: "When Romans ran for the office of Consul..." Charlie permits himself a brief expression of exasperation. Jed asks, "Did I just see you roll your eyes?" Charlie: "No, sir." He faces Jed with a look of respect pasted over the merest trace of a smirk. Jed, undeterred: "They wore whitened togas to show their intent. A bit silly, perhaps." Charlie looks away and says, "Perhaps." Jed continues: "But it was an act of personal commission." Charlie interrupts: "Mr. President...I know how much you like to think of yourself as a man of the people -- Roman references and all -- but you're the only person who can launch our nuclear weapons. You travel in a fully secure perimeter. You rescue submarines. Maybe it's time for it to be okay that an aide delivers [sic] a piece of paper." Jed says, "You're pretty mouthy today." Charlie tells POTUS that C.J.'s waiting in his office.
Jed goes inside, closes the door, and asks her, "Do you duck when you're getting on Marine One?" Completely used to Jed's non sequiturs, she says, "No, sir. Should I?" He decides the blades are high enough. He sits at his desk. She tells him the Majority Leader got the question last night. Jed heard. C.J. says, "He went to the zoo." Jed looks at the document she's handed him and puts on his glasses. He says, "Look, I want you to go easy on him. He's a conscientious and dedicated guy." Isn't he the one with the bogus sore throat in "The Leadership Breakfast"? POTUS adds, "It's not an easy question." C.J., standing in front of him, asks him with the slightest bit of apprehension, "Can you answer it?" Jed: "Why do I want to be President?" C.J.: "Yeah." She stands there expectantly, as Jed takes off his glasses and sighs. "I've been thinking about it for the last couple of hours. I almost had it." The shot switches back to C.J.'s slightly incredulous look. The screen goes black. Gone quiet, indeed.