By LTG
A white title card fades to a white landscape. An SUV is driving down a snowy road, and we can hear a voice on the radio talking about the crappy weather. We can also hear Santos: "I want this to be a campaign of ideas. Entitlements are collapsing, our school system's a joke, you could sneak a fleet of tanks across the Canadian border." Damn Canadians -- I knew we shouldn't trust them. (And is a group of tanks really a "fleet"?) Santos is driving while Josh looks at a map and tries to tell him he missed a turn. They debate whether there should have been a "turn" or a "bend" at Horseshoe Lake. Santos doesn't like the way campaigns become so personal: "You know, if we just took the money the campaigns spent on personality contests and partisan sideshows, we could solve this country's problems and shut down talk radio all at the same time." Yeah, because the few hundred million spent on presidential campaigns (as shocking an amount as it is) is really going to fix everything wrong with the U.S. Whatever I might think of Jimmy Smits in this role, he has certainly mastered the art of saying very little while speaking many words at a high rate of speed. Josh tries to focus on the fact that they might be lost, while Santos continues to blather. At one point, Santos grabs the map out of Josh's hands and tries to figure out where they are, while continuing both to drive the car and to blather on: "How about a kick-off speech on education?" So Santos wants to drive, navigate, and talk policy, all at the same time? I think that's the Official Metaphor of the episode. Josh thinks that education is a no-go, and tries to remind Santos that "New Hampshire is about retail politics, person-to-person." Josh adds, "People here won't vote for you until you've had coffee in their house five times." Santos: "I hope they're serving decaf." By this time, they're driving through typical small-town New England while some crappy soft rock plays on the radio. Santos pulls a u-turn and stops the car in front of an abandoned storefront that bears a hand-lettered "Santos for President" sign.
As Santos and Josh enter the office, it's clear that it used to be some kind of sporting supply store. There's still a tent on display by the front window, and some kind of stuffed fish hanging on a wall. A couple of voices call out greetings as Josh and Santos walk into the joint. Santos introduces Josh to Ronna and Ned, a couple of staffers from his congressional office. Josh clearly hasn't met them, although he has spoken on the phone with them. Ronna: "I've never picked out a campaign headquarters before." Josh sounds less than impressed when he points out that she picked a spot that's "got a ceiling and everything." Except that it almost doesn't -- it looks like about half of the tiles in the drop ceiling are missing. Josh talks about the eventual need to get more phone lines and desks, "maybe some industrial safety helmets."
While Josh looks over the space (which contains many other remnants of its former occupants, including an inflatable boat and some life preservers), Ned tells Santos, "You were right. Germany's at 240, Japan's at 243." Josh wonders what they're talking about, and when Ned tells him it's the number of days in the school year, Josh wonders why they're talking about it. Santos tells him, "I was asking Ned to look into lengthening the school year from 180 days to 240." There's been a lot of discussion on the forums about whether Germany and Japan really do have 240 (or 243) school days, and about how you count school days, and so on and so forth. Let me clarify my position: I just don't care. Santos suggests that they should consult with some professors who've been studying the length of the school year, "and get some ideas for an education speech." Josh cautions Santos against "putting the cart before the carcass. This trip is about introducing yourself, honing a narrative. That's it." Santos affirms that he is "here to hone." Josh and Ronna continue looking over the office. She tells him that it was actually "a kind of specialty sporting good store." In the middle of a pile of inflated rubber boats, Josh sees the sign for the old store: "'Larraby's Life Savers: Lose your boat, we'll help you float.'" Josh thinks that the image of operating the campaign from a life preserver store will be too much for the press to pass up, but Ronna points out that the first month's rent is free, and she jokes, "I bet we get a break on flood insurance." Leave the humor to the professionals, Ronna. Josh tells her to get rid of the boats, and then tells Santos that they've got to leave for their first event. Santos tells him to hold on, and then pours some coffee out of an insulated container into some disposable cups: "They say democracy is how we choose the guy who gets the blame. Well, I will take the blame, but I will never forget those of you who deserve the credit." He hands them each a cup of coffee and thanks them for "being here at the start of this crazy roller coaster ride."
The SUV pulls up to the Litchfield town dump. Okay, that was an acceptable use of subtitles. Santos and Josh get out of the vehicle, and Santos pulls his gloves on and looks across the street at what I guess is supposed to be the dump. In my experience, a dump is an enormous hole in the ground filled with huge piles of trash, with some dump trucks and bulldozers moving it all around. I guess in New Hampshire, "dump" must refer to a small area by the side of the road where people sort their recycling. Santos tells Josh that he thinks it's "a bit too metaphorical." Sorry, the position of Official Metaphor for this campaign has already been filled. Josh tells him, "All the candidates do it. It's an exercise in humility." Santos suggests a speech instead, but Josh says that Santos needs to meet some voters and help them with their recycling. Santos starts to walk across the street, but then turns back to Josh and asks him, "Is there anything particular I should say?" Josh tells him to just introduce himself, and then he reaches over and pulls Santos's gloves off his hands. Josh just couldn't keep his hands off him for another minute. By the way, if Santos were really a Houstonian, he would be freaking out from the cold right now. That little jacket just wouldn't cut it for someone who was not at all acclimated to the cold. With one last look over his shoulder at Josh, Santos bounds across the street, grabs the hand of the first person he runs into, and says, "Morning. Hi, I'm Matt Santos. I'm running for president." Josh gives him a happy little smile, and we cut to the credits.
At the dump, Santos walks up to a woman who is carrying a trash bag from her car to a dumpster. He introduces himself, and asks if he can help her with her bag. Without waiting for an answer, he grabs the bag and throws it into the dumpster. He then turns back to shake her hand, but ends up looking at his trash-infested hand and just gives her a small wave. She walks away without saying a word.
Josh and Ronna are across the street, sitting on the tailgate of the SUV. He asks her about the education stuff, but she tells him that Ned is working on that, while she works on a national service program and some ideas for Medicare reform: "He's thinking about a series of speeches starting tomorrow night at Hawkes House." Josh tells her that he doesn't want to come on too strong with Santos (too late!), and that he needs her help. She asks him if he wants the memos they're working on. He doesn't: "I want to rein in the policy process." She tells him that he can't do that, and he gets on his Huffy bike: "What part of 'campaign manager' do you not understand? Do you want me to draw you a flow chart?" In all of these little confrontations, you can tell that Josh is trying his very best not to come off like an officious prick, but it's not working too well. Ronna asks, "Where's Matt on this flow chart?" Josh wants her to call Santos "the Congressman," but she tells him that Santos "likes to be called Matt. And he runs his own policy process." Josh doesn't seem to care what Santos wants: "'Matt' is a guy who hosts home improvement shows. 'The Congressman' is a guy who runs for President. And you don't give policy speeches in New Hampshire, the world's capital of grip-and-grin." Josh, if you want to talk about grip-and-grin, I really think you should be having this conversation directly with Santos. Ronna tells Josh that Santos has a history of going off on his own if he thinks his staff is dragging their feet on a policy he likes. Josh tells her that he has to meet with some state legislators, and asks her to keep Santos there until CNN shows up: "Don't let him change the official language to Flemish while I'm gone." And then Josh hops into a second SUV, one that is apparently being driven by a volunteer (or maybe a staffer).
A local dumps his recycling into a dumpster and walks by Santos. When Santos greets him, he actually recognizes him as "that new candidate from Texas." The local asks Santos if he knows some guy named Phil who "lives right there, in Sierra Vista." Santos corrects him, pointing out that Sierra Vista is in Arizona, and that Sierra Blanca is in Texas. There are over 1,000 towns in Texas, so I'm pretty doubtful that Santos could be so immediately certain that there was no Texas town named Sierra Vista. And how stupid are we supposed to believe people from New Hampshire are, that this guy would really wonder if a random person from Texas would know some other random person from Texas? Because no matter what the people from Massachusetts might say, I don't think New Hampshirites are that stupid. In any case, the local just looks at Santos and walks away.
Josh is in his SUV, talking on his cell phone while a volunteer drives. I'm glad he learned a lesson about talking while driving. Josh tells his unseen caller that Santos "is great. He's got a million ideas, he's really engaged." It turns out that he's speaking with Toby, who tells him that Hoynes is up by eight in the latest South Carolina poll. Josh dismisses that as nothing but name recognition. Toby asks about the quality of the staff, and Josh tells him that until they raise more money, they're primarily using volunteers. When he says that, the driver looks over at him quickly, almost as though to say, "Hey, I thought I was getting paid for this." Toby suggests that there is a lot of money in the Latino community that they might tap into. Josh tentatively asks Toby what he would think of a speech on education policy: "It's just an idea we're kicking around." Toby tells Josh, "Stop kicking." Toby asks Josh whether he's had "the conversation" with Santos yet. Josh hasn't. What conversation would that be? The one about how many kids Josh wants, or the one about the prenuptial agreement? Josh recognizes that Toby thinks "this whole campaign's kind of goofy." Indeed, Toby does. When Josh tells Toby that he'll call him later, Toby just hangs up the phone without even saying goodbye. I mean, I know that's the kind of rude behavior we expect from Toby, but this felt different -- less brusque and more sad.
The SUV stops, and Josh gets out, clearly prepared to meet with some state legislators. He looks around with confusion, and says to the driver, "This is a dry-cleaners." The volunteer apologizes, explaining, "My mom asked me to pick up the dry cleaning on our way." Heh. I hope we see more of that volunteer.
After a few stops at the grocery store, the pharmacy, and the video hut, Josh has made it to his meeting. He's in the office of Senator Butler, who's asking him why he's split from Jed Bartlet. Josh reassures him that there is no split, and Butler lets him know that he's been assuming Jed would be supporting Bingo Bob. Josh tells him that Jed will remain neutral until there's a nominee, and then looks over at Butler's desk, asking, "Is that a Bob Russell letter opener?" It is, and it matches the Bob Russell cup holder. I'm guessing that he's wearing some Bob Russell underpants, too. Butler asks what "Santis" has to offer, and Josh corrects him: "It's Santos. And Russell may have the letter opener, but what's in the envelope?" Butler: "Might be some tie clips, who knows." Hee. Josh reassures Butler that Santos is the Jed Bartlet: "Why do you think I left the White House to run this?" Butler thinks Josh gives Santos credibility, but when Josh asks him to arrange a meeting with some other folks, Butler just points out the varying amounts of money that other candidates have given to his campaign. Josh tells him, "Our fundraising's just getting going. Don't make this about money." Butler responds, "Money equals viability. And from what I can tell, your boy has neither."
Josh gets out of the SUV on a residential street and asks Ned how it's going. Ned tells him that Santos has been inside for a while, and Josh is pleased. Whoever Santos is meeting with, they are apparently "top-tier activists in Nashua." Ned also tells Josh that Will called for him at HQ, and would like to meet with him this afternoon. In response to Ned's question about how Josh's meetings went, Josh tells him that three different state legislators wondered why Josh was running Santos against Bartlet's own Veep. Apparently, the entire political establishment thinks that "the President is in Cowboy Bob's saddlebag." And for those who accuse me of turning every little line into some kind of homosexual innuendo, please notice that I'm leaving that one alone. Ned points that Jed's son-in-law, Doug Westin, is in a tight race in New Hampshire's First Congressional District; apparently, he's too pro-snowmobile for certain environmentalists. Ned thinks that perhaps Doug might be able to help Santos with an endorsement. Josh tells Ned to call Westin's headquarters and see if "Lizzie Bartlet" would be able to meet with him. And then Ned asks Josh if he's going to speak with the reporter from The New York Times. Josh is pretty surprised to hear that there's a Times reporter there, and Ned points him out to Josh.
Josh walks up to the reporter, who's just getting off his cell phone. It's Brock. Josh asks him if he's covering Russell, and Brock tells him, "I'm covering this. Morgan, from the Post, too." Brock asks how it's going, and Josh lies that things are going great. Josh asks if he wants a sit-down with "the Congressman," and Brock tells him, "Maybe later." Brock tells Josh that he's "hearing some things out of Houston," but when Josh tries to find out what kind of things, Brock just says, "Well, he's your candidate; I'm sure it's nothing you don't already know." Josh heads into the house.
Santos is sitting down at a coffee table, across from a couple in their late thirties or early forties. He's writing on a small blackboard that he's holding in one hand -- you can see the words "teacher quality" and "180 school days" written on the board, along with a couple of other things I couldn't make out. Santos is telling the couple he's speaking to that "it" would make a huge difference. He hears the door close, and introduces Jamie and Janice to Josh. Of course, he didn't actually see Josh come in, he just heard the front door open and close, so I wonder how he recognized him. Scent, perhaps? It turns out that Jamie and Janice already know Josh: "We ran this precinct for Bartlet both times." Santos tells Josh that they're talking about education, and Josh immediately changes the subject to Santos's biography: "Did you know the Congressman was first in his family to go to college, top of his class at Annapolis, and can to more chin-ups than the entire Council on Foreign Relations?" So it's the muscles he likes. Janice tells Santos that she doesn't know many people who would be excited by a longer school year. What about school bullies? I think they would be thrilled. I mean, it must be really boring for them over the summer, with no other kids to pick on. So I think that I can predict that the school bully voting bloc would be squarely in favor of a longer school year. Santos agrees with her, and tells her, "I'm not trying to excite people. I'm just trying to tell them what I think we need." He recites some statistics about America's decline in global education rankings, and suggests that part of the problem is that the 180-day school year was based on an agrarian calendar. Blah, blah, kids helping out on the farm. Josh jumps in to try to suggest a study, but the discussion has developed a momentum of its own. Jamie tells Santos, "I got a pretty good education in 180 days. What does this have to do with what happens in my son's classroom?" Santos goes on to suggest that another part of the problem is ending teacher tenure and getting rid of bad teachers. ["Speaking as someone who was a public-school student not that long ago: word. There were at least three functional alcoholics on the faculty at my school, who'd have us do 'group work' for an hour while they went to the teachers' lounge." -- Wing Chun] Janice points out that her cousin is a teacher, and Santos opines that she must be a good one, "which is why she'd get to keep her job." Josh interrupts, saying that he needs to speak with Santos about a scheduling matter.
Out on the porch, Santos tells Josh that he's "road-testing" ideas for his education speech. Josh points out that these are "top-tier activists, and [Santos] just fired their cousin Phyllis." Is there a weekly poll of political columnists who establish which activists go in which tier? Santos makes light of Phyllis's plight, telling Josh, "week, we'll be training Phyllis in computer programming." Josh reminds Santos that he should be introducing himself and telling his life story, but Santos points out that Janice and Jamie asked him for his views on education. Josh points out that they didn't like what they heard, and Santos tells him to "unfurrow his brow." Oh, Santos, I think they could really use your services on a certain other show. Santos reminds Josh that he's run for office six times, but Josh is not impressed: "New Hampshire has an education funding crisis. They have no income tax, they can't afford to pay for sixty more days of school." Santos suggests that we need to save New Hampshire from its own moronic policy decisions by "nationalizing the system." (Yes, I do think that having virtually the only source of state revenue be a property tax is moronic. Sue me.) Josh calls that "a half-trillion-dollar joke." Santos thinks that the only way to move discussion forward is to raise these kind of ideas, but Josh thinks that the voters in New Hampshire, like Jamie and Janice, just want to know who Santos is. Santos likens that to a "swimsuit competition." You know, if all candidates looked like Matt Santos, Bingo Bob, and John Hoynes, I might not be opposed to that idea.
Josh suggests actually studying various ideas for education reform before announcing policy initiatives, and Santos wants to know how long that would take. Josh points out that it would cost money: "We've exhausted the donors in your district. One idea is a big fund-raising drive in the Latino community." But Santos is not comfortable with that: "I don't want to just be the brown candidate. I want to be the American candidate." Josh wonders whether Santos would rather go broke "as the brown candidate or as the American candidate." Santos informs Josh that he has reviewed the daily spending reports, and that he thinks they are spending too much on yard signs. Josh is frustrated that Santos is wasting his time and energy on spending reports, and he calls him "Congressman." Santos asks him to call him "Matt," and suggests that they can have this conversation later. Josh doesn't think they can wait: "The Times is already digging around, maybe other campaigns too. We need to get proactive." Oh, I guess this was "the conversation" that Toby wanted Josh to have with Santos -- the conversation about enlivening the campaign with useless management jargon. Santos is opposed to conducting any opposition research, and as Josh is about to start arguing with him, Janice sticks her head out the door: "I didn't want you two to catch cold." Santos tells her that the scheduling problem is resolved, and then he heads back inside to bore them some more. Commercials.
Josh walks up a staircase into the fancy headquarters of Russell For President. There's an enormous headshot of Russell Big Brothering it above the staircase. At the top of the stairs, there are a couple of cardboard cutouts of Bingo Bob. A staffer walks up to Josh and says, "Folks love taking pictures with those. Almost like the real thing." Josh agrees, and the staffer points out that the cutouts "talk a little less." Josh tells her to keep that quiet, or "his wife is gonna want one." She asks him who he is, and then tells him that Will is expecting him. There are cutouts in virtually every direction.
Will is in his office, which is full of Russell paraphernalia as well as posters for local candidates with whom he is making alliances. He's reassuring someone that Bingo Bob will not miss an event: "If he has to break a tie on the ag bill, he'll do a quick roundtrip on Air Force Two." When Josh comes in, Will asks him how the "Santos juggernaut" is coming along, and Josh reassures him that it's "juggering." Will makes a joke about the flood paraphernalia in the Santos campaign HQ, and Josh tells him that they're saving their money for the field. Will asks if Josh minds if one of his deputies sits in, and then picks up the phone and asks someone to step in. In less than a second, Donna walks in with some paperwork for Will to review. Josh sees her immediately, but she doesn't notice him at first. When she does, her sentence trails off and she gives him a shy little smile and says "hi." Josh is pretty breathless himself, giving her a "hi" in return. It's the Straightest Look of the Episode. (I figure since they've been happening so rarely, I should point them out when they come around). Will makes another (weak) joke about media markets replacing states as the battleground in which presidential campaigns are fought, and then cuts to the chase: he called Josh in to propose that they run a clean campaign, and he points out that attacking Russell's record would mean attacking Jed's record. Josh is less than receptive to that argument, noting, "He did clap at some of those bill signings, didn't he?" Will asks if Josh is ruling out negative attacks, and Josh tells him that "the Congressman" will make that decision.
As Josh walks down the hall, Donna follows after him, asking, "Can we not make this a thing?" He just looks at her and says, "It's not a thing," before walking away. I'm pretty sure it's a thing.
Santos and Josh are going over the schedule at Santos HQ. The office is already looking more like an office and less like a Coast Guard surplus warehouse. Josh tells Santos that he's set up a dinner with Jamie and Janice, and a coffee with some other activist. Santos is already tired of trying to convince voters one at a time, and he doesn't seem to get Josh's point that if activists like Jamie and Janice decide to support him, they will bring dozens of other active supporters along with them. Santos just wants to get to the part of the campaign where he can make speeches to a thousand people at a time. Ned agrees that a thousand voters sounds better than one voter. Ronna interrupts with a call for Santos, just as a volunteer lets Ned know that Liz Bartlet is there to see Josh. Josh tells Santos, "We still need to have that conversation." Then he walks off to see Liz.
Josh and Liz enter what I assume is Josh's office. It's still full of emergency boating equipment, and Josh tries to pass it off as somehow being related to some maritime event they have planned. Liz just recites the motto of Larraby's Life Savers to him: "'Lose your boat, they'll help you float.'" Josh opens the conversation by acknowledging the tough primary fight Doug is facing. Liz points out that just because he's a supporter of snowmobile clubs, that doesn't make him an anti-environmentalist: "We're giving an environmental speech week. We can win back the Greens." Josh asks her if she's mad at him for having concerns about Doug's campaign. She's not, but.... "I'm mad at you for sharing those concerns to the D-triple-C and the White House Office of Political Affairs." She tells him that there is no way Santos is getting Doug's endorsement, and seems a little taken aback when Josh tells her that he has no interest in Doug's endorsement. He tells her, "You've been involved in New Hampshire primaries your whole life. You know why they matter, 'cause anyone has a shot here, 'cause the voters decide." He thinks Russell should not be given the nomination just because he's got the money and all the institutional support, and he points out that Bingo Bob has all those things because everyone assumes Jed is supporting him. Liz quickly points out that Jed is neutral, and Josh tells her that if Santos can just get a photo op with Doug, "it would be a psychic wink to your dad's supporters that this primary is wide open -- that the establishment hacks have to earn it. Isn't that how it should be? Isn't that how your dad got the nomination eight years ago?" Liz is moved by this speech. As she gets up to leave, she tells him, "The Fickle Pickle Diner in an hour-and-a-half." I think Santos's going to a diner named "The Fickle Pickle" is pretty much akin to Gary Hart's naming his boat The Monkey Business. The karma just doesn't seem good.
Josh walks down a sidewalk and runs into Ronna and Ned, who are watching Santos glad-hand a small crowd in front of the diner. They tell him that Doug hasn't arrived yet, and when Josh notes the increased press activity, they point out that the reporters are covering Doug, not Santos. Josh tells them that when they get back to HQ, they need to put out a statement on dwarf tossing. Apparently, the Town Selectman asked the campaign to speak out against a bar outside of town that puts dwarves in a harness and tosses them through hoops. Ned is frustrated that the campaign will release a statement about dwarf tossing before it releases one on Medicare. Josh tells him, "Ask a dwarf in a harness which matters more." Well, since the dwarf in the harness is probably a dwarf who chose to get into the harness in exchange for some money, he or she probably doesn't think it's a big problem. I'd be willing to bet that dwarves who aren't in harnesses have some pretty strong feelings on the subject, though.
Josh walks away from Ronna and Ned and says hello to Brock. Josh asks him if they can make a deal on the "Houston thing," but Brock thinks it's too late, seeing as how "everybody's got it. Looks like you guys are 0-for-2 this afternoon." Josh looks at a piece of paper that Brock hands him and then asks what he means by "0-for-2." Apparently, a professor at the University of New Hampshire released details of the Santos education plan to the AP. Josh walks over to Santos just as he is freeing himself from the cluster of voters and reporters that surround him. Josh asks him why he would put out an education plan. Santos denies having done it, and Josh tells him that the UNH professor released it. Santos tells him, "I faxed a few ideas to a couple of people." Santos points out that it was Josh's idea to study the issue before making a speech, and Josh finally tells him that he can't give a speech: "It hasn't been scored, it hasn't been tested." Santos decodes those words for us: "You mean killed by a bunch of consultants." Josh looks down at the piece of paper Brock handed to him, and tells Santos that people are circulating an eight-year-old quote of Santos's: "You said that a New Hampshire primary shouldn't come first because, quote, 'the state's as diverse as a Mayflower reunion.'" Santos thinks that's a funny line, but Josh thinks the humor might be lost on the audience: "You've got a state full of Mayflower descendants laughing their heads off." Santos doesn't remember saying it, but when Josh asks if he can just deny it, Santos admits, "It sounds like me." Well, it sounds like me, too, but I know that I didn't say it. Santos thinks that the statement is true, but Josh doesn't care about the truth: "People here think this primary is their birthright." Santos doesn't think he can take back the statement, and just then Doug's motorcade arrives. (That is, if one car and one SUV equals a motorcade.) Josh tells Santos to get the photo op, and to avoid taking any questions.
Liz and Doug exit the SUV, and Matt intercepts them as they walk toward the diner. He introduces himself, and tells them what a huge admirer he is of their family. Doug tells him, "I can't say I agree with your assessment of our primary." Now it's Santos's turn to be taken aback, but Doug lets him know that he already has the quote. Santos wonders if Doug thinks the state is diverse. Doug: "Well, no one writes it, but New Hampshire is thirty percent Franco-American." Does that mean the other seventy percent is Chef Boyardee? Santos responds to this subtle distinction between brands of white people by saying, "It's funny that no one writes it." Santos leads the way into the diner.
Doug, Liz, and Santos walk into the diner and start greeting voters. There are a bunch of reporters waiting there, and one of them asks Doug to respond to an accusation from his opponent that he is willing to let snowmobilers destroy national parks. Doug says that he cares deeply about parks, and deflects other questions by saying, "We're going to have a lot to say about our parks." Brock jumps in and asks Santos about his quote, and Santos doesn't give a response: "We're here to meet the voters." But all of a sudden Doug piles on, asking Santos, "But you don't value our votes, do you?" After a pause, Santos makes it clear that he values everyone's vote. Doug goes on to ask Santos to apologize to the voters: "Why don't you acknowledge here and now our role as the presidential wine-tasters of America." Does that mean that New Hampshire voters swish candidates around in their mouths before spitting them back into a glass? Doug tells Santos that without an apology, Doug could never support him. Santos: "I'm not much of a wine drinker. And I'm sorry I won't have your support." And with that, he goes off to greet more voters. Josh looks pained.
The Santos SUV pulls up in front of a small motel. It's nighttime, and Santos continues to blather on about education. The man sure does love to hear himself speak. Santos, Josh, and Ronna all exit the vehicle. Once again, Santos is in the driver's seat. Josh tells Ronna that he and Santos have to go over the schedule. Santos looks around, and says, "We gotta get a little better code language than that." Well, when I was in the Boy Scouts, my boyfriend and I used to tell people we had to go on nature walks. But that's a lousy cover story in the winter. Ronna goes into her motel room while Josh and Santos go into another. As they walk into the room, Santos tells Josh that he needs to call his kids before they go to bed. And by "they," I think he meant the kids and not, you know, Josh and Santos.
Josh and Santos enter the motel room. Let's just say it's "rustic." There is a very long and awkward silence. Finally, Josh turns to Santos and says, "I know this isn't the way you thought it would be." That's why rushed marriages are rarely a good idea. Santos tells Josh that he thought running for President would have some loose connection to public policy. Josh tells him that "every first-time candidate makes mistakes. The good ones fix 'em, don't make the same ones twice." Santos thinks they are stuck with the mistake he made, and then tries to move the discussion on to the education speech he wants to give at Hawkes House the night. Josh tells him that he has to shelve the education plan and retract the Mayflower quote. Santos sits down on the bed, and worries that he'll make himself look like "a flip-flopper." (I'm going to assume too few of you are familiar enough with gay porn to understand why that line is so funny. But be assured, it was hilarious.) Josh would rather have him be seen as a flip-flopper than "political toast." Santos asks Josh whether he disagrees with the quote, and Josh will only talk about the need to succeed in New Hampshire if the campaign is going to succeed anywhere. Josh tells Santos, "We need to sell you first, then we'll get to the big issues."
Santos gets up to leave, and Josh starts to say, "Congressman, we're having this conversation..." But Santos interrupts him to say, "Call me Matt." Josh just erupts: "I don't want to call you Matt! You think this is any other campaign? You think you've been scrutinized and poked and prodded like a prize-winning pig? Well, you haven't!" No, but I'm sure if he asks Josh nicely enough, all of those things can be arranged. Josh tells him that any little secret from his past can destroy the campaign, and that Josh needs to know every single thing about him: "What you've said, what you've done, who your enemies are, what years you were late on your taxes, whether, God forbid, you've had problems in your marriage." That's important for Josh to know, because if Santos cheated on Mrs. Santos (before), then he's liable to cheat on Josh. Santos is obviously resistant to this, but Josh tells him that Josh has to know everything so that they can decide in advance how to deal with it, pointing out that if he had known about the New Hampshire quote, they would have skipped the state until they could deal with it. Again, Santos pushes Josh to say whether he agrees with the quote, but Josh will only say, "I think whoever fed it to the press has gotta have more, and that's our priority right now." Santos asks Josh whose campaign is it, anyway, and Josh answers, "I don't know. Who flew down to Houston and then talked you into it?" Josh tells Santos that he needs to stop thinking about idealistic policy changes and decide why he's running and whether he is really up to it. Santos tells him, "The education plan is why I'm running. I'm gonna go call my kids instead of standing here and being treated like one." And with that, he leaves the room. Commercials.
Josh is in a restaurant, meeting with Joey Lucas. Yay! However, I can't tell if her interpreter is still Kenny. Someone on the forums will let me know, I'm quite sure. Josh thanks her for flying up, and then asks her if she's seen any polls with Santos in the mix. She tells him that she's seen two private polls: "He's within the margin of error." Josh wonders whom he's within the margin of error of, but Joey clarifies: "Of having any support at all." In other words, it's statistically possible that the people who said they would vote for Santos don't actually exist. Got it. Joey congratulates Josh on the excellent press day the campaign is having. Apparently, The Union-Leader is attacking the education plan and The Monitor has suggested "that he take the Mayflower back to Houston." But what makes Josh even more upset is that none of the news coverage was on the front page. Joey thinks that once Santos sees the coverage, he'll become more pliable. But Josh doesn't want him to become more pliable, he wants him to.... Joey: "Agree with you in the first place?" Hmmm, I think Joey's been speaking with my therapist. Josh just wants Santos to let him do what he's good at, which is run campaigns. Joey points out, "It's your job, Josh, but it's his life." Joey tells Josh that he needs to give Santos time: "He's a long way from Houston." And then she hands him a manila envelope. It's the first of the opposition research he asked for. He thanks her, and as he gets up to leave, she tells him that he can pay her "in installments. Small ones." And then in her own voice, she tells him, "Josh, you should have done this weeks ago."
The SUV pulls up in front of some building or other. This time Josh is driving. (Official Metaphor sighting!) Santos is looking at the news coverage, and can't believe how bad it is. He wonders if he doesn't get any points for substance. Josh tells him, "It's right there: column three, to penmanship." Josh tells him that he added this event so that Santos could take back "the Mayflower crack." Apparently, they are going into a senior center, where there will be a captive audience, including the state's oldest voter. Josh: "He's like a hundred-and-ninety-seven. Granddaddy of the primary since it was Old Hampshire."
As Josh and Santos enter the senior center, Brock and another guy (who I'll assume is Morgan) are waiting for them, armed with little pads. As they walk in, they're surprised to see that the cafeteria is mostly empty. Josh walks over to a reception desk and asks where everyone is. It turns out that a resident died, and everybody is at the funeral. Josh asks if the oldest voter is at the funeral as well, and Reception Guy can't resist being funny: "Oh, I'd say so. He's in the coffin." Josh turns back to Santos, who hands him his jacket and marches into the cafeteria to shake as many hands as he can. Morgan follows him in, but Brock sticks around to needle Josh: "Nice staff work." Josh reminds him that they are "a scrappy insurgency. We're taking our licks early." Heh. He said "licks." Brock calls Santos a non-factor, but Josh doesn't think he believes it: "If Santos was a non-factor, I doubt you and the Post would be sipping strained beets at the Nashua Senior Center." Brock can't believe Josh thinks he's there to cover Santos: "We're writing about you. Why you're running this quixotic campaign, why you're splitting up the field." Josh claims he's running to win, but Brock doesn't think so: "I think you're siphoning off votes to help Hoynes. Why else would Russell's folks be worried about you?"
Russell for President HQ. Will is telling some flunky to take "choice" and "guns" off the list. The flunky points out that "eastern Pennsylvania is overwhelmingly anti-gun and pro-choice," but Will is concerned about pissing off single-issue voters on the other side. Josh enters, and the flunkies all leave him alone with Will. Will starts to make small talk, but Josh gets right to the point: "You fed that quote to Brock. You're trying to force me out of the race." Will points out that Josh isn't in the race. I don't know if he's trying to be clever by pointing out that Josh isn't the candidate, or he's pointing out that Santos is a non-factor, but either way, I think it was a good shot. Yeah, that's right -- I gave some praise to Will. Even a cynical and cryptic clock is right twice a day. Josh says he knows Will told Brock that Will was worried about Santos, and Will points out that it's Josh he's worried about, because he's behaved so oddly by turning down offers from Russell and Hoynes in order to recruit an unknown. Will also denies leaking the quote: "It was probably Texas Republicans trying to kill him off so he can't run for state Treasurer." Josh accuses Will of "trotting Donna out to guilt [him]," but again, Will deflects the charge: "I'm not guilting anybody. You should be guilting yourself. After Leo, you're the best political mind in the party, and you're gonna be working for us, everybody is, it's inevitable. When that day comes, do you wanna be on the record trashing us so we can't hire you?" Josh leaves the building.
Santos is talking to a small group of voters outside of what looks like a post office. He's talking about the need for education reform, while trying to avoid details. But one woman just tries to press him to agree that there would be no tax increase. Josh and Ronna are looking on from the sidelines. A minivan (or maybe another SUV, who can tell) pulls up, and Donna gets out. She gives a cheerful "hi" as she walks up to Josh and Ronna. Donna reaches out to shake Ronna's hand, and Ronna introduces herself: "Ronna." Donna: "Actually, it's Donna." Ronna: "I'm pretty sure it's Ronna." Josh heads off Who and I Don't Know before they head round home base and introduces them to each other. And then he asks Ronna if he can have a few minutes alone with Donna. Ronna leaves, but Donna tells Josh that she should have stuck around: "Your whole campaign is like some Dr. Seuss nightmare. 'One fish, two fish, dead fish, we fought the good fight fish.'" Josh has a nice rejoinder: "As opposed to 'the cat in the imitation cowboy hat fell flat'?" Donna: "Go ahead, hop on Bob." I didn't catch that last line until I was writing the recap, and it was far away the funniest thing in the episode. Josh tells Donna, "You should be with me. You're in the wrong campaign." Josh asks her what "make-work job" she's doing in the Russell campaign. Donna: "Media targeting for the northeast and Pacific northwest." On hearing that, I think Josh might have actually demonstrated the tiniest spark of awareness of how much he has underestimated Donna all these years. Josh tells Donna that the Santos campaign is the one that has "the gutsy education plan [and is] speaking the truth about the New Hampshire primary." Donna tells him about the meaningful issues of local concern that Russell has been speaking about on his trips to New Hampshire, and Josh accuses Bob of pandering. Donna thinks Bob is just talking about "what voters want. Campaigns are about them, not us. You taught me that." Josh asks her if she came just to deliver his old truisms, and she tells him she's actually there to deliver "letters from Russell supporters to the DNC, urging them to protect the New Hampshire primary." As she walks away, she turns back to him and says, "You ought to deliver some of those truisms yourself." It's great to see Donna stand up for herself in a meaningful way. Backbone is a good look for her.
Josh enters his office to find a Bingo Bob cutout, complete with a shiny red bow over the heart. Josh muses aloud, "The least you could do is send me the one with the noose." Josh picks up a marker and draws a Snidely Whiplash moustache on the cutout. A volunteer calls to him from the main floor of the office -- I just realized that Josh's office is in a kind of loft that overlooks what would have been the main sales floor of the store. In any case, the volunteer tells him that there's "a Mr. Potus on the line." Josh picks up the phone, and in a couple of seconds, he's put through to the President. Jed tells him that he heard from Liz that Josh looks like hell. We see Jed in the Office of O., signing some papers that are being handed to him by a secretary who is not Debbie. Did Lily Tomlin get fired or something? 'Cause I miss her. Jed also seems to have recovered his balance, because he is standing behind his desk. Jed apologizes for Doug's jerkwad behavior, saying, "If you ever have daughters, Josh, don't let 'em run off and marry pinheads." Josh says he understands why Doug did it, and Jed says he feels bad that Josh took a bullet for him: "I'm the one that didn't want Doug to run." Jed tells Josh he knows it looks like Jed's for Russell, but that he feels like he can't say anything without appearing to take a position. And then he tells Josh, "Take down these numbers." Josh grabs a pen as Jed recites "Six to twenty-four over six." Apparently, that stands for the number of spots that New Hampshire fell in the national drop-out rate over the last six years. Jed thinks it's important for Santos to be able to say why he's talking about education, and that he thinks it's okay for Santos to run against his record because, in Jed's own words: "I haven't done enough." He tells Josh that he hopes to see him when Josh is in Washington, and they end the call. Josh picks up the matchbook on which he wrote down the numbers and sets it on fire, dropping the burning paper into an a convenient ashtray. Commercials.
Josh is chatting with a few reporters in the campaign office. Apparently, a local politician has had unkind words to say about the Santos education plan, and Josh says that they look forward to meeting with the guy to discuss his views. Another reporter points out that after "Mayflower-gate," the guy won't meet with Santos. Josh can't believe that the Mayflower flap is "a 'gate' already? No way does that qualify as a 'gate.'" They press him on details of the education plan, and he ends up by pointing out that none of the other campaigns has come close to delivering an education plan: "Tell me who's got an alternative -- tell me that." Josh walks away from them and out the front door of the office.
Santos is waiting for Josh on the sidewalk. Josh asks him if he needs to discuss the schedule. I still think "nature walk" might be a better excuse for some alone time. Santos tells Josh that he went over the daily spending report, and he saw that Josh hired Joey Lucas to do opposition research. Santos has his panties in a bunch, and he starts yelling at Josh for trying to "smear other Democrats," and then Josh tells him that the research was on Santos himself: "I don't know you. I don't know what you've said, what you've done. I have to know." Santos thinks his own background is trivial, but then Josh points out that Santos's brother hasn't worked in five years and that Santos is supporting him: "I need to know if you've ever tried to put him on a government payroll." I think that Santos is supposed to be pretty pissed, but Smits is kind of affectless in these scenes. He needs to learn to amp up the anger a bit. He wants to know how Joey got that kind of information, and Josh points out that she used the same methods that every other campaign will use. Santos is angry (I think), but Josh doesn't much care: "You don't get to run this as a test case on family privacy, any more than you get to pick which states are ready for big podium speeches." Santos takes a few steps away, and tells Josh that he's not trying to run the campaign as a test case: "We're lucky if we have two months with this. I don't want to waste it shaking hands." Josh is devastated, and he suddenly looks incredibly frail in the cold night air with nothing but his suit jacket to keep him warm: "Two months? I gave up everything for this, you're not even in it to win?" Santos: "Maybe we have a different definition of winning, Josh. Maybe that's what we should have talked about in Houston." Instead of having all that sex under the Christmas tree.
Josh is carrying a metal trashcan down the stairs from his office. The Bingo Bob cutout is in the can. He gets to the bottom of the stairs, and Ronna asks him what he's doing. Josh tells her, "It's called a clean campaign." She looks very happy, and she hands him some papers. He asks what they are, and she tells him they're statements from the other campaigns on education. "Hoynes challenged the whole field to debate education. We're moving the debate, Josh." Suddenly, Liz Bartlet walks up to Josh. She looks at the Bingo Bob cutout, and tells Josh, "Don't take that to the Litchfield Town Dump -- it'll still win more votes than your guy." Josh puts down the trashcan so that it doesn't look like he's clutching Russell to his bosom, and tells her that he deserved what she did to him at the Fickle Pickle the other day. She tells him that she had nothing to do with it: "I practically poured a bucket of paint on [Doug's] head when we got home. We said all along we wouldn't endorse anyone." She tells him that a lot of Doug's supporters are leaning toward Russell, and a lot are leaning toward Hoynes. Josh: "At least a few have to be leaning toward us." Liz: "Not really." But she likes Santos's education plan, and so does Jed. Josh starts to ask if they're friends again, and she says she still thinks Josh is a jerk. And then she reaches into his pocket and hands him a check. He can't quite believe that she's giving Santos two thousand dollars. She apologizes for not giving a bigger check, but that is the federal limit. Josh feels obliged to point out to Liz (or perhaps to the audience) that the donation will have to reported to the FEC: "This is a Bartlet family contribution to Santos For President." As she leaves, Josh calls out to her, "Don't give the environmental speech." Josh has apparently caught Santos Fever, because he thinks that Doug should just take his lumps for taking a politically unpopular position and not undercut himself. Liz: "That's the dumbest thing I ever heard." Ronna walks up, and Josh hands her the check. She asks him what to do with it, and he tells her, "Cash it, as fast as we can. See how many Matt Santos letter openers it'll buy."
The Santos SUV pulls into a parking spot, and you can hear Santos and Ned inside going over details of his education plan. Santos gets out of the driver's seat, looks around, and says, "Whoa, whoa. Where is Hawkes House?" Josh points to the rather nice-looking house at the end of the driveway and says, "This is it. This is Bill Hawke's house." Santos was under the impression that this was a venue where he could give a speech, not another three-person grip-and-grin. Josh starts to tell him how important Bill Hawke is, but Santos just lets out a sad sigh and walks past him. By this time, Ronna and Ned have gone into the house. Josh walks up to Santos and apologizes for the comment about putting his brother on a government payroll. Santos understands that Josh was just doing his job, but Josh isn't so certain what his job is supposed to be. He tells Santos, "I used to tell candidates, 'make it about the voters, not about you.' But the difference is, you are them. Working poor background, kids in public school, brother with a high-school diploma, he can barely read." Santos asks, "And what does that all amount to, besides a lousy stereotype?" Josh thinks it will help people understand why Santos is in the race, and why he is so focused on education. Santos asks Josh if he's even thought about whether his education plan is good for the country. Josh: "I didn't have to hear it to know it'd be right." Santos tells him that he wants to win, but he can't do it by being like other candidates: "If we're gonna do this, I'm not gonna make it easy. I'm gonna give the big speeches, and I'm gonna push every limit, and that's the campaign you get to run." Josh asks, "But what if I can't make that work?" Santos tells him, "Well then, no one can." Mutual pledges of love and fidelity having been exchanged, they walk together toward the front door. Santos stops for a second and tells Josh, "When you get the rest of that research, we'll go over it together." And he gives him a little pat on the back.
For some reason, the doorbell rings as Josh and Santos arrive at the front door, but they don't actually wait for anyone to let them in. Instead, they walk in, finding Ronna and Ned waiting for them by the front door. Ronna points the way to the room where folks have gathered. There are about fifteen people in the Hawkes' kitchen and dining room. Josh points out to Ronna that there are more people than they expected. She tells him that some of the neighbors came, "mostly because they think he's nuts. But they're curious. That ain't nothing." Josh agrees with her. Santos starts to speak to the assembled crowd, introducing himself as "that kamikaze candidate from Texas." He tells them that he didn't come all the way from Texas to tell them what they want to hear, and then he says, "I've faced some things in my life, my own family, that make me believe we need to rethink our whole education system, and if that's going to make things harder for me as a candidate, I'll just have to take it." Fade to black.