By Deborah
Thanks to Iago and major props for janey for help with stuff I missed.
So, I was watching American Idol, which I didn't see one minute of last year, but inadvertently got addicted to this year. (And if you're not reading Shack's recaps...well, what's wrong with you?) Anyway, I'm watching this on CTV, a Canadian network, and it seems to me that the show is running a tad long. But I know that The West Wing is supposed to be coming on after this. I check the clock, it's 9:00 already, and I panic. I switch to NBC, where the show's already begun. I hit "record," but this is my long-winded way of telling you that I missed the first thirty seconds or so. Also, that CTV sucks. I heard from others in the forums that CTV "joined the program in progress." Yeah, thanks a pantload. Okay. Fortunately, a couple of readers helped me out with what I missed. You probably wouldn't even be able to tell if I hadn't told you all this.
Anyway. State Capitol. Sunday. Inauguration Day. C.J., Ed, Larry, and assorted suits are pedeconferencing with POTUS as they walk through the halls of the Capitol. They are apparently debating the order of the balls. C.J. explains that Political Affairs thinks it's important. Larry suggests the Plains states followed by the Rust Belt ball, and then the one of the Pacific Northwest. Ed says, "It shows you're the President of the whole country." C.J. replies, "Aren't we about to demonstrate that pretty clearly right now?" Ed: "He could start with the New Hampshire ball." Larry: "Makes it clear he knows where he came from." C.J. retorts, "The President has a driver's license." Larry wonders, "What if he starts in the states where jobs are in decline? Make it clear our message is the economy." Jed says, "Well, that's only gonna be clear if we also hand out decoder rings. Listen...it's an Inauguration Ball. Let's enjoy ourselves." Dismissed. Ed, Larry, and the suits take off. One of them throws in a completely unnecessary "Game on, sir." C.J. points out that there are actually eight Inauguration balls. The President asks if she read "it." C.J.: "Every draft all night long." He mentions that she hasn't weighed in. C.J. leans over and gives him a peck on the cheek, puts her hand on his shoulder, and softly says, "I just did." He says there's nothing else. C.J. walks off, urging Jed, "Eat 'em up, Chief." Jed thanks her.
POTUS runs into Josh, who tells him, "It's leaked." POTUS wants to know how much. Josh says they know there's a restatement of foreign objectives, and that committee chairmen haven't been consulted, and that a lot changed overnight. Jed says they'll find out all about it in forty-one minutes. But you won't, because this is a two-part episode, so don't get any big ideas. Jed says he has a problem. Josh: "Well, you're about to propose the most massive shift in foreign policy since the Marshall Plan and it's going to be wildly unpopular." Jed: "All right: two problems." Jed explains that he doesn't have a Bible because he kept changing his mind all week about which one to use, and then he picked one but there was some problem with the New York Freemasons, which he doesn't have time to explain. Jed says Charlie's off somewhere hunting up a Bible. Josh says there's nothing saying he has to be sworn in on a Bible: "You can be sworn in on a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue." What's the oath for that: "I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect, and defend the right of Americans to purchase and salivate over glossy magazines featuring Heidi Klum and her girls in tiny scraps of spandex"? Jed wonders if Josh thinks that's a good idea. Josh doesn't. Except he totally does and he's just afraid to tell Jed. Josh says he'll go find Charlie. He tells Jed, "We're right to you, sir. Knock 'em all down." Jed: "Thank you, son." Man, that is some hideous green and gold paint scheme on the walls in here. No doubt it's correct for the period or something, but it is godawful to look at.
Josh runs into Leo, who says, "Nice suit." Josh asks Leo what happened to Jack Reese. You remember Sparky, right? Donna's gomer du jour? He's in this episode more than anybody...except not. Leo explains that he was asked to provide a Force Depletion Report regarding Kundu for POTUS on the QT. And Hutchinson found out, for which Leo takes the blame. But he adds, "Which doesn't excuse..." Josh says he doesn't excuse it. Leo: "I don't know how she could do that, I really don't...I mean, I don't want to talk about it now, but do you suppose her timing could have been any worse?" Josh says he told her that in no uncertain terms. Well, we have to be talking about Donna. What'd she do now? Leo's going to be telling her, too. Josh says she knows. Leo's happy to hear it. Josh says she's not here and he doesn't think she's coming. He says he'll find out where Charlie is.
Leo runs into some senator who asks Leo about the rumour that POTUS is contemplating a new doctrine for the use of force. Leo says that the President is nothing if not contemplative: "The man makes the Prince of Denmark seem reactionary." The senator is concerned that Jed's going to talk about it right now. Leo: "He's the Commander-in-Chief; he's going to reserve the right to, you know, command. Get yourself some punch." He takes off, only to run into another disgruntled politician he greets as "Mr. Leader," who says that he's assured a dozen members that the White House won't act without them. Leo: "Then you're all set." Leo directs him to some cheese and takes off. Cheese and punch? That's what you get when you're inaugurated? Isn't that more like a Tupperware party menu? Leo finally gets to talk to Jed. Apparently it's time for the traditional "men talk about what women are wearing for fancy parties" exchange. Leo, with evident delight, says he saw the dress Abby's wearing for the ball. Jed: "Yeah, I may need to get a room." I can't help but wonder why Leo happens to have seen Abby's dress. Also, I'm wondering if he's actually wearing a pink shirt or if the lighting in this scene is just that weird. Leo asks if Jed knows it's leaked. He does. He says he's been reminded by three people already of what Jefferson said in his Inaugural speech. Leo: "'Peace, commerce, honest friendship with all nations, and entangling alliances with none.'" Jed says the problem is that when Jefferson said that, the best chance of getting entangled with an ally was in a rowboat.
Just then, Charlie comes up with a Bible which he hands to Jed, who opens the book and reads, "'Donnie's Motel'? They didn't have one in the House Library?" Charlie: "This is the one from the House Library." Jed says okay as some dude we only see a tiny bit of comes out and says, "Mr. President." Jed looks up, smiles, and says, "Mr. Chief Justice." I guess they couldn't get Rehnquist for a cameo. They're saving that money to bring Zoey's tiresome French boyfriend back, I just know it. Have you seen the fares for Mandyville? Why do you think people go there and rarely return?
Monday Morning. Six Days Before Inauguration. Jed's at the podium in the Briefing Room; C.J.'s coaching him on what to do during the swearing-in. Jed's being a smart-ass about it. He's good at it, too. C.J.'s hair looks like she got caught in the rain and was forced to restyle it with her fingers. In the dark. Jed asks for the foreign policy section of the speech to be put on the teleprompter. Toby says it will take a second. He chuckles as he reads something. Jed wants to know what's funny. Toby says the Chief Justice wrote a dissenting opinion in Sea Northern vs. Arizona, saying that "an association between asbestos and a higher risk of cancer in later life was insufficient to merit relief." Jed's all, so what? Toby smiles and laughs and explains that the opinion is written in what Toby is almost certain is trochaic tetrameter. He looks to Will for support on this; Will agrees. Jed asks what they're talking about. There ensues a discussion of the Chief Justice's mad prosody skillz, which include such gems as "Fear of cancer from asbestos/fuzzy science manifestos." Toby says somebody just faxed this to Will. Jed's not sure which one is Will; Toby points him out. Will waves. Toby explains trochaic tetrameter to POTUS. I suspect somebody made a bet with Aaron Sorkin that he couldn't work the phrase "trochaic tetrameter" into a script and get it on the air. It's like his own little version of the recapper's Rae Dawn Chong Challenge. I bet he's collecting his money right now. The staff members get back to preparing POTUS, who reads from the prompter, "'America cannot be the world's policeman. America cannot enforce its own standards, its own values across the world. Yet when it's in our clear and vital interest...' We're being candid, at least." Toby says it's State Department language. Jed knows: "Look, I understand I present a uniform gap, but I want to mean what I say." Toby tells Will he's going to meet with the State Department Communications Director, who likes to have input into foreign policy language. Will wonders if he isn't going to be insulted by meeting with a nobody like himself. Though he doesn't put it that way. Toby: "I would really think so." Maybe Will's still being hazed. Leo says that's all, and the meeting breaks up.
Out in the hall, Leo tells POTUS that the Chief Justice is trying to get the court to adopt powdered wigs. I could probably think of a more ridiculous initiative if I tried, but I'm too tired right now. That's just goofy. Clearly, the Chief Justice is being established as a nut. Leo thinks there might be a problem. Jed wonders if Leo thinks the CJ (that's Chief Justice, not Claudia Jean) stayed too long at the fair. Leo: "He's not a young man." Jed: "Neither am I." Leo: "This is what I'm talking about." Jed complains about the foreign policy language. Leo says it will be fixed. Jed wants to know what's going on in Kundu. (You remember the made-up country of Kundu, from "And It's Surely To Their Credit," in which the Kundunese President Nimbala was visiting the United States to try to get money to help AIDS sufferers in his country when there was a coup there, and he was executed in the airport parking lot upon his return? Continuity, yay!) Jed says he got a security cable informing him of civil unrest in the Republic of Equatorial Kundu, and he had to reach for an atlas. Okay: continuity...not so much. Given that he met Nimbala and had some moving scenes with him, I can't believe Jed would not remember Kundu. But perhaps I should chalk it up to his MS symptoms. Leo says that Kundu is near the Ivory Coast, and explains that government forces run by Arkutu have apparently killed as many as 200 Induye on the streets of the capital, Bitanga. Basically, it's a horrible Rwanda-type situation. Jed asks if it's two warring tribes. Leo says it's one warring tribe: "The other one's getting killed." The really important point, however, is that there are 500 American missionaries in Kundu; they're being evacuated.
Charlie's arrived; Leo splits and Charlie follows Jed, telling him that if he wants to use the George Washington Bible, they need some time to get it there. Will is tagging along, too, and suddenly finds himself in the Oval Office. Some aide closes the door behind him, to his mild surprise. Charlie's explaining to Jed that the New York Freemasons have the Washington Bible , and they need several days' notice. Jed wants to know why; Charlie doesn't know. Jed says he's going to use the Bartlet Bible, which is at the New Hampshire Historical Society. Charlie leaves.
Jed looks up and notices Will standing at the back of the room. Will wants to clarify that Jed hopes there can be a broader definition of "vital interests." Jed: "Hoping beyond hope." Will thanks him and starts to leave, but then decides to make a little speech about how a person and his speechwriter develop a relationship over time. He babbles about punctuation and diction and jazz as Jed looks at him over the top of his glasses. Finally, Jed takes off his glasses and says, "I can't remember your name, but are you asking me out on a date?" Hee. Will: "No, sir. It happens over time." Jed says okay. Will leaves.
Outside, Will asks Charlie if he could get Governor Bartlet's public statements from the New Hampshire State House. Charlie says it's not a problem. He also asks for copies of Bartlet's floor speeches from the House. Charlie offers to send a couple of people to the Library of Congress. Before he can finish, Josh says, "...everything he's ever said out loud in his life?" Yup, that's what Will wants.
Donna knocks on Josh's door saying the tickets came. Josh: "For what?" Donna: "The balls." Josh: "Could you hang onto mine for me until Sunday?" Donna: "Yeah." Bwah! I just exploded with laughter on that one. I wasn't even sure I heard it right at first. I don't know how Brad Whitford and Janel Moloney got through that without smirking themselves silly. Well, they're professionals and all. I think it helps that they were positioned so they didn't have to look at each other while delivering those lines. Also: was that a 'shipper shout-out? Also: Bwah! Donna tells Josh that Jack will be wearing a sabre. Josh: "God, Donna, please tell me that's not the only thing he's going to be wearing." Donna waxes on about Jack's dress blues and the various bits of official bumph, boojum, and brass he'll have all over them, among which are a Purple Heart and a Bronze Cross. Guess she loves a man in uniform. Josh: "I'll be wearing a tuxedo from Gary's." Yeah, but she'd still dump Sparky like so much moldy cheese if you made one clear, unmistakeable move toward her, Josh. Josh wants to know who's been on the phone. Donna says it's people from the State Department. He can't figure out how they know about the change in the speech already. Donna says they want to know why their Public Affairs Director is meeting with Will Bailey. Wait, I thought he was the Communications Director. Josh says that POTUS asked Toby and Will to look at the language, and tells her to keep the President out of it. Then he thinks better of it and tells her to tell them Josh asked them to look at it. Donna mentions as she leaves, "Thirteen buttons on the trousers." Josh, with a cute smile: "I don't want to know how you know that." Except he totally does. Donna smiles flirtatiously and saunters off.
Banquet room. Lots of religious types (you can tell from the assorted headgear: nuns' habits, yarmulkes, kufis, zucchettos, etc.) standing behind their chairs around tables as a cardinal conducts a prayer for the President's administration. He also beseeches God on behalf of the American missionaries in Kundu, asking for their safe evacuation. He prays for the people of Kundu, too. Everyone sits down; the cardinal who led the prayer is at Jed's table. Immediately, a man with an indeterminate African accent tells the cardinal, "Patrick, you may pray all you wish, but thousands upon thousands of African children will die unless the U.S. intervenes. Tens of thousands of Kundunese children and their parents slaughtered." Patrick: "Well, I don't control the armed forces, Zake." Jed: "No, he was talking to me, Your Eminence." He turns to Zake and says, "Your Excellency, I got a very sketchy intelligence report on the violence in the capital about an hour ago." Zake says that the violence is not limited to Bitanga, but that it's spread to the countryside. Jed didn't know that. Zake wonders if he can ask POTUS something, with all due respect: "If mass genocide had broken out in a small European country, would your intelligence briefing this morning have been quite so sketchy?" Jed admits that it would not. Zake says, "I join my colleagues in their prayers for the safe evacuation of the Americans." Burn. Also? So far, I like where this is going.
Will meets with the State Department guy: Bonnie introduces him as Assistant Secretary of State for Public Affairs, Bryce "Pole So Far Up My Ass You Could Hang Your Hat On My Forehead" Lilly. Bryce comes in, shakes his hand, and informs Will that he's young. Will: "Um...thank you." You can tell right away that this guy's a complete pill. Will finds out that this guy's been in his job since three POTUSes ago. He tells Will the difference between the two parties is that "Republicans want a huge military but they don't want to send it anywhere. The Democrats want a small military and they want to send it everywhere." Will says with a polite smile that he's heard that. Bryce says that when he heard the name "Bailey," he got a "chill in [his] occipital." Turns out he's had run-ins with Will's father Tom in Brussels. Bryce learns that Will's on a three-week contract with the DNC to work on the speech. Bryce starts to get on his high horse about how important he is, but Will launches into his mission, which is to discuss the approved language for the speech. Bryce says that he should be discussing this with Toby. Will says that Toby asked him to speak with Bryce. Will quotes, "'America stands alone as the indispensable nation -- a force for peace, freedom and prosperity on all corners of the globe.'" Bryce says that's almost exactly what they wrote. Will says it is exactly what they wrote and that he's quoting is precisely. Bryce: "You memorized it? It was 1,200 words." Will: "I'm pretty sure it was 1,123." Heh. Geek. Bryce wants to know what Toby's concern is. Will begins by pointing out that globes don't have corners. That is a pretty stupid expression. Bryce hopes this isn't about style rather than substance. Will assures him that it's about substance. Bryce: "We've been over this long before you got here, and I imagine we'll keep on going over it long after your...three weeks are done. This White House has to be careful about the use of force. It's a hostile Congress." Will says he'd personally have no problem with using force on Congress, but that it's not his call. Bryce: "This President can't write himself a blank cheque when it comes to foreign policy. Especially, this President." Will: "'Especially this President?' Because of the clause in Article 1 that says not every President gets the full powers of Commander-in-Chief?" Bryce exhales a huffy little snort and asks if Will's rewriting the section. Will is. Bryce: "Dramatically?" Will: "Well, I like to think I have a certain flair." Hee. Bryce meant "significantly." Will says that's what POTUS wants. Bryce wants to know if this is being done in consultation with State. Will says that's Toby's call. Bryce stands up, saying: "Thank you, sir. Apparently, I'm not done with the Baileys." He walks out. Will mutters to himself, "Apparently not, you effete..."
Suddenly, something bangs against the window between Will's office and Toby's. Toby's hurling one of his balls against the window. Will comes into Toby's office, demanding to know what he's doing. Toby explains, "I throw a rubber ball against the window; that means you come to me. As my frustration level grows, so does the velocity of the ball against the window." Will says he just told Bryce Lilly what's what. Toby's happy to hear it. He gestures to a stack of file boxes in his office, asking if Will requested transcripts of public remarks from Manchester. Will did. Toby says that's what they are, along with the fourteen additional cartons outside his office. Toby says, "So we're dumping State's language. So we'll need some of our own." Will responds, but Toby clarifies that he's talking to himself so there's no need for Will to respond. Will wonders if there's a reason for him to be standing there. Toby says that there is not. He leaves. Toby makes a gesture like he's going to throw the ball right throw the window and clear into the Oval Office, but manages to restrain himself.
Charlie comes into the Oval Office to tell POTUS that Mr. Cravenly, the Director of Special Collections at the New Hampshire Historical Society, just phoned to say that POTUS can't use the Bartlet Bible because it needs to be in a climate-controlled vault or it warps. Bartlet: "Just as the Disciples intended." Charlie says that Mr. Cravenly suggested the Jefferson Bible. Jed wonders if that one doesn't warp. Charlie: "I think it does, and being from New Hampshire, he just doesn't care." Jed: "Probably. Speaking of New Hampshire, don't I own the Bartlet Bible?" Charlie says that it was sold at auction. Jed knows; he bought it. Charlie says he donated it to the New Hampshire Historical Society. Jed: "And they won't loan it back to me so I can be inaugurated?" Charlie says that Mr. Cravenly felt very bad about that. Jed wonders if Charlie's not making up Mr. Cravenly's name. Charlie's not making it up. Jed: "Would you tell him that I'd like very much to use my family's Bible, which my family has bought at least twice now?" Charlie will. Jed mentions that a couple hundred people got killed today in Kundu. Charlie knows. Jed starts to tell him about the Arkutu, but Charlie knows. He asks if the Americans got out; Jed says they did. As Charlie leaves, Jed asks him to get Bob Slattery to come to his office.
C.J.'s briefing the press, in minute and obvious detail, about the swearing-in of the President. The reporters are taking the piss out of her for it, too. Katie gets to be in on it. See, Katie could carry her own storyline. I just know it. You keep fighting there, Spunky Reporter Gal. Someday Aaron Sorkin will notice your cornfed good looks and your sunny disposition.
As C.J. enters the hallway, Carol tags along to tell her Danny wanted to see her for a second. Unbeknownst to C.J., Danny's right behind them. C.J. refuses. Carol starts to object and C.J. tells her, "Stop trying to get us together, okay? If I wanted Danny I could have him. And he's still a jackass from the foreign-ops vote and many other things, so tell him I'm getting my hair done." Danny: "Your hair looks great." It is much improved in this scene. C.J. stops and tells Carol, "There was no way you could tell me he was right behind me? You couldn't fit that in?" She tells Danny to come in her office and Carol takes off with a brief apology.
In her office, Danny tells C.J. his cricket-playing signal agent's missing. C.J.'s all, dude, are you still in my grill about Qumar? Do you not know we have moved on to Kundu? No, no. Danny tells her how he's looked all over for this guy: "The airstrip won't give me information; neither will the landlord, except he just signed a new two-year lease two weeks ago." C.J. wants to know how he knows. Danny: "Because I do." C.J. wants to know, if she helps him to find the cricket player, "Will you consider it a personal favour and not the White House cooperating with your story?" Danny says he would never think the White House was cooperating with him. C.J. thanks him. On his way out, Danny says, "Can I just ask...what is it you'd do exactly to have me?" She smiles and asks if there's anything else. There isn't. He leaves.
Charlie brings Bob Slattery into the Oval Office. Jed asks "Bobby" what's up. Bob says that intelligence outside Bitanga is thin and that the Archbishop's network of clerics is probably as good as it gets. Jed: "The Catholic Church has better intelligence than we do?" Bob says it's a very small embassy -- maybe ten people -- and there's no Agency presence whatsoever. Jed wonders how many are dead right now. Bob says there's no way of knowing. Jed insists on an estimate. Bob: "Could be as many as 5,000." Jed considers that and then states, "Bobby, I don't want to make noise, but I want to see a force depletion report. I want to know how many we'd lose, and I want to do it without going three rounds in the newspaper with Miles Hutchinson. Who do we have at the Pentagon who can do this for us?" Bob immediately mentions Jack Reese. After ascertaining that Bob trusts Jack, Jed asks to see force depletion on a peacekeeping force in Kundu and says they'll do their best to keep it away from the Secretary's office. Bob says that Jack won't need to hear the second part: "You just gave him an order." Jed thanks him, and Bob leaves.
Tuesday. Briefing Room. C.J.'s talking to the reporters about the situation in Kundu. One of them asks her about reports that the Arkutu government has issued identification tags indicating whether people are Arkutu or Induye. C.J. doesn't know. Danny asks about Archbishop Kintaka (that would be Zake), who says the government's using the radio to direct mobs. C.J. says the White House knows nothing about that. Danny continues, "Apparently, one of the bishops had provided refuge to about 800 Induye in his church. When the radio station in Bitanga heard about it, they directed a mob. They had machetes, they sent 'em to the church..." C.J.: "Did they...?" Danny: "They hacked up all 800." C.J. didn't know that. Danny: "Apparently, every broadcast ends with the word krawala." C.J.: "It means 'cleanse.'" Danny wants to know if the White House is sending in troops to knock this off. C.J. says that the White House is monitoring the situation very carefully. Danny: "I can tell." Burn! Also? Way to win her over, dude. C.J. calls on Katie, who says that the State Department yesterday estimated the number of dead to be between 3,000 and 7,000. She wonders if there are revised estimates. C.J. checks her notes and says that it's 15,000.
Donna -- who's wearing a baby pink sweater and grey skirt, and has her hair pinned up in a floppy ponytail -- knocks on Josh's door and asks him what's up. Josh is wondering whether the Nuclear Regulatory Commission really needs $100,000 for a "morale improvement" program: "That's gotta be a pretty critical lap-dance." Donna says she was in Jack's office last night, and he was using the NSC lock on the door, which he never has before. Apparently she knocked and he let her in. Josh: "That's a good story." She says she wanted to make plans for getting together at midnight -- you know, quitting time -- and he told her he couldn't, because it would be morning in a place where he needed to speak with some people: "What's halfway around the world?" Josh: "Most of the homes and offices of the people who live on this planet." Donna says Jack had a fax from the Commander of the Seventh Fleet about forward units in the North Atlantic and the Mediterranean." And he was showing this to her? Josh would like to know the same thing. Donna says he was showing off for her. Couldn't he just break another $400 ashtray instead of compromising military secrets? Or brandish his "sabre" or something? Seriously. Josh: "Fantastic." Donna says he wasn't showing her a classified signal intercept. Josh: "How do you know what he was showing you?" Donna says she doesn't, but he does. She asks, "Is a Joint Task Force being assembled..." Josh: "Are you serious with these questions?" Donna: "He's been sealed off for almost twenty-four hours and everything strikes me as strange." Josh: "Then let it strike you that way, and please find out what they mean by 'morale improvement program' so I can get back to, you know, actual people." Donna leaves with a slightly unhappy expression.
Jed comes into the Oval Office from the portico and tells Charlie he's changed his mind about the Bible: "I don't know...I never...it just seems parochial...I hate saying that." Charlie says he understands. Jed says there's a Bible in Northampton, Massachusetts, that Jonathan Edwards used; he suggests getting that one. Leo enters from his office as Charlie leaves. Jed: "'Grace is but glory begun and glory is but grace perfected.' I made my Bible selection." Leo's impressed as all get-out. Except not. Leo tells him that the Supreme Court is striking down the use of prior offenses as a factor in Stiles v. Rhode Island . The Chief Justice wrote a concurring opinion. Leo reads from it: "'Guilty or not guilty? Past convictions frustrate the judge who wonders, should your fate abate?'" Good God. Jed comments that it's awkwardly worded. I'll say. Leo says it's not; it's twenty-two syllables. Jed: "Oh, God." Leo rereads it with the intended cadence: "'Guilty/ Or not guilty? Past convictions frustrate/ The judge who wonders, should your fate/ Abate?'" He explains that it's a cinquain. Jed asks, "How do you know?" Leo shrugs: "I know things. And I'm worried about the Chief Justice." Jed's worried about the White House making that suggestion. Leo says the Chief Justice is writing in verse: "Plus the powdered wigs." Jed asks if that wasn't a rumour. Leo says it was. Jed tells him about asking for the force depletion report, and that it tells him that the best-case scenario is that simply by engaging, the Arkutu lay down their weapons, though this seems unlikely. Jed says they'd lose people -- more if they go into the countryside. Leo: "Whaddya expect?" He gets up. Jed: "Yeah." Leo tells Jed that Toby's working on new policy language, but Jed's not really listening. Leo asks if he can see the report; Jed hands it to him, saying, "You should."
Will's in his office reading stuff to Elsie from Bartlet's speeches. Yes, Elsie. No, I can't imagine why. Toby comes in and pleasantly asks what Will is doing. Will explains that he's familiarizing himself with Bartlet's tone. Toby: "You're not thinking about policy language?" Will says he's doing both. Toby points out that they only have five days. Elsie pipes up and says she can confirm that Will is thinking and familiarizing himself simultaneously. Shut up, Elsie. You're bringing absolutely nothing to this exchange. Man, I'd rather listen to Mojo wax on about the greatness of hats and other accessories. Toby asks, "You're really comfortable going through life with a name like 'Elsie Snuffin'?" Elsie replies, "I've never been comfortable, but I'm not sure it's because of my name." Maybe it's because you have no business here. Seriously, what is Will doing with this barnacle? Elsie writes jokes. Whatever. How many jokes does the President's speechwriter need to generate? The President is not doing standup. I think Will can manage on his own. If you're so funny, Elsie, go apply for a job writing intros on Trading Spaces. Believe me, they could use the help. Toby's had enough of her, too, and tells Will that the idea isn't going to walk into his office, announce its importance, and place itself on top of the pile. Will understands. An assistant (played, apparently, by Dulé Hill's girlfriend Nicole Lyn) knocks on the door to bring Will another one of Bartlet's speeches on foreign policy from the Congressional Research Service. It wasn't in with all the others because it was stricken from the record at Bartlet's request. Will takes it. Toby gives Will kind of an uneasy look, says, "Yeah," and leaves. But he's way more calm about all of this than I think he normally would be. I mean, he's ticked, but he's not ranting and raving and foaming at the mouth. I guess he's got a lot on his mind since Andi's entering her final trimester and he's going to be the father of twins in May. And we're going to be hearing more about that real soon...right? Right? And how about that lawsuit against Andi, hmm? Anyway. Will starts marking up the speech as we go to commercial.
Will's in Toby's office, reading somewhat angrily from this speech he just got. "'America needs a new doctrine for a new century, based not just on our interests but on our values across the world.'" Toby: "Find those values for me, please." Will says he doesn't have to: "The President of the United States already has: 'We are for freedom of speech everywhere; freedom to worship everywhere; freedom to learn for every child...'" Toby wants to know how he plans to enforce a universal, global right to education. Elsie pipes up: "The same way the U.S. enforced anything it wanted in the middle part of the twentieth century: somebody called our father." Toby asks her what, exactly, she's doing here anyway. We'd all like to know. Elsie says that FLOTUS likes her jokes. She comes off pretty snot-nosed saying it, too. That's because she can't do this dialogue; she's simply not in the same league as the other actors on this show. Also: I'm really quite surprised to hear that FLOTUS is even remotely conscious of Elsie's existence, much less a member of her fan club.
Will follows Toby out into the bullpen, still reading from the speech. Toby finishes his sentence, pointing out that he read it about sixteen years ago, and he thinks it was about El Salvador, and that there was a reason he had it stricken from the record. Now he's shouting. That's the Toby we know and love. Will wants to know what the reason is. Toby doesn't know: "But things have reasons!" Will's shouting too: "Do they?" Toby insists that they do. Will: "Okay, but C.J. this morning put the body count at 15,000!" Toby asks if he's talking about Kundu: "That's what the hell this is about?" Will says he's talking about everything, and goes back to quoting from the speech, a part about freedom from oppression, economic slavery, religious fanaticism... "Tell me if these describe anyone we know." Toby says this isn't what he meant by drafting new language. Will: "What did you mean?" Toby snaps, "Making the old language sound better!" He pauses and adds, "You're asking the two of us to create foreign policy by ourselves! That's usually not a good idea. You've got your Pentagon, the NSC, and what do you call it...the State Department!" Will says that Toby and Leo and Josh are POTUS's senior counsellors, and that it's not like POTUS doesn't already want to go there. Toby points out, "This language proposes a new doctrine for the use of force! That we use force, whenever we see an injustice we want to correct: like Mother Teresa with first-strike capability!" Man, since around this time last year, I never know what side of things Toby's going to be on. Will: "Damn right!" Toby shakes his head like someone just threw some cold water at his face and says, "Oh, you've had too many dinners with Daddy." Will doesn't know what to say to that. Toby asks him to go back to finding new language for the foreign policy section. Will says he should and leaves.
When Will reaches the door, he stops, comes back, and says he's only working at the White House another four days. Toby: "But what?" Will: "He'd do a radio address proposing free liposuction to every child of woman born if you wrote it for him." Toby says Will's wrong, and if Toby did, he'd be fired shortly thereafter. Will: "Maybe...but ten pounds lighter." He leaves. Elsie stands at the door with a half a smirk on her face, 'cause her big brother just burned the nasty man. And there she hangs, like a gym sock on shower rod, (to quote someone I personally wish were a regular tertiary character on this show), until Toby tells her to go back to doing whatever it is she does. And if someone finds out what the devil that is, could they let me know? Elsie leaves, and has the nerve to give him a bit of a stink-eye while doing it.
Wednesday. Charlie escorts some men into the lobby of the White House. A couple of them are carrying some kind of stand covered with a heavy red cloth. Charlie says they'll take it into the Blue Room and look at it there. Jed happens to wander through at this precise moment and he asks if this is it. Charlie says it is, and introduces Adam Kent from the Jonathan Edwards Historical Foundation. POTUS shakes Adam's hand and says it's good to meet him; Adam says they've met before. He then unveils the stand to reveal the huge honkin' John Edwards Bible. Wait, we're not talking about that Crossing Over guy, are we? No, I guess that's someone different. ["That's John Edward -- no 's.'" -- Wing Chun] Anyway. It's a serious Bible. It seems like it's about eighteen inches high and a few inches thick. I wonder if that's actually his real Bible. Jed says, "It's yooge." Adam says it ought to be. Jed says it can't be. Adam explains that it's a pulpit folio, from the days when portability wasn't an issue: "Illuminations add pages, as well as heft. Also, it's written in four languages." I'd think that would get Jed going. Jed explains that FLOTUS has to hold the Bible in her hand: "This one's going to take the First Lady, the Chief Justice, and the Second Circuit Court of Appeals." Apparently not listening, Adam continues confidently, like a car salesman running down the features on a new Canyonero: "Greek, Hebrew, Aramaic, and English." Jed tells Adam that Charlie's going to take care of him. He pulls Charlie aside saying, "That Bible's the size of a Volkswagen. Can we get the Washington Bible?"
Situation Room. Bearded Guy I've seen a lot but whose name I never seem to learn is briefing Leo about some new technology they're testing at Camp Red Cloud and Uijongbu City. Leo asks another guy for an update on Europe. Other Guy reports potential Basque terrorist plots in Spain. Someone Else reports a border dispute between Lithuania and Belarus. Leo dismisses them and asks Miles to stay. This must be the legendary Hutchinson, about whom we've heard so much in the last four years. Okay, maybe not that much, but the guy gets mentioned fairly regularly. Or am I mixing him up with Cashman and Berryhill? I think I am. We haven't seen those guys, have we? Maybe those are Ed's and Larry's last names. Yeah, yeah, I know they're not. Cashman and Berryhill are Senators or Congressmen or something. After four years it's starting to be a blur. Anyway, Leo waits for everyone to leave and then asks him what the general thinking is in Kundu. Miles replies, "That we should support all the international diplomatic efforts to...You know the UN's already made overtures to the Arkutu?" Leo wants to know what's happening at Central Command. Miles says they're going to want to supply the bordering countries. That's not what Leo means: "We're getting intel that isn't making it onto CNN but that's a matter of a couple of hours. Truly horrible accounts of mass slaughter that should make us at least want to investigate whether there's a genocide." Miles: "Lee lost 10,000 at Gettysburg; didn't make it genocide." Leo says he'll go to POTUS with it. Miles says that in their case, they'd lose closer to a thousand: "Which is pretty stupid. Magnificently so when we realize we're talking about a guy who's never led an army." Leo: "A: 'The guy' is the President. B: He's been leading one for three years, fifty-one weeks, and three days. How much more training would you like him to have? And C: It's not a thousand. We saw a force depletion report; it's 150." Miles wants to know how they saw a force depletion report. Leo tries to cover it up and imply that Nancy helped them out, but Miles says Nancy's out of the country: "It was her aide." Leo says that the guy was following a direct order. Miles: "I have no doubt he was; that's my problem, Leo." Leo hollers that he doesn't give a damn what Miles's problem is: "The man wants to know if he sends troops, how many are going to die?" Miles says that if he wants to see force depletion, POTUS should ask Miles. Leo: "He asks you and three days manage to go by before he sees it, Mr. Secretary. Yet miraculously, The Wall Street Journal, on Day Two, the numbers inflated all to hell. It's 150, not 1,000." Miles: "And that's acceptable to you in Kundu?" Leo: "I don't know what you mean when you say 'in Kundu.'" He stares at Miles for a moment while he figures it out and says, "Yeah. Yeah, I do." He turns back to the table. Miles tell him, "Go to hell," as he stalks out. Leo picks up a bunch of files and throws them down on the table in frustration, knocking over a water glass in the process. He picks up the glass and then stands there with his hands on the edge of the table.
POTUS is wandering through the bullpen when he notices Will working in his office and decides to drop in. He knocks. Will says, without looking up, "Keep your pants on, Toby, I'm almost there." See, your first mistake was thinking Toby would knock on your open door. Even if your door had been closed, I don't think Toby would knock. I think Toby sees everything and everyone in this area as an extension of his kingdom. Well, except for Ms. Snuffin. POTUS: "Toby been taking his pants off again?" Well, not that I've seen. More's the pity, probably. Jed tells Will that that's just something Toby does. Will stands up and greets POTUS. Jed asks him how it's going. Will lies and says, "Fine," but then admits that it's not. Jed seems to know: "What's hard is foreign policy's become a statement of what we won't do." Jed puts on his glasses and picks up the speech Will had been reading to Toby earlier. He calls it "pretty spicy stuff." Will says that Jed wrote it. Jed knows. He keeps looking at the speech as he muses, "Why is a Kundunese life worth less to me than an American life?" Will replies, "I don't know, sir, but it is." Dude. Way to speak truth to power. I like how Josh Malina delivered this line without flippancy. Jed glances at him and pauses before commenting, "That was ballsy." Man, this episode is just all about balls. Will: "I won't be working here long." Jed asks if he's Tom Bailey's son. Will cops to it. Jed: "Talk about the very model of a modern major general." Will: "Yes, sir."
C.J. runs into Danny in the hall and tells him she found his signal guy. Danny knows: "He took a job at an airport in the Cooperative Republic of Guyana. That's where you're sending people?" C.J.: "We don't send anyone anywhere who doesn't work for us, but I understand he's gotten a salary bump and he's co-captain of a local cricket team." Danny says he called him. First the guy doesn't remember him, then he does. Then he doesn't remember anything about an airstrip. Then he does, but he doesn't remember anything about not getting in. C.J. "Mystery solved." She pulls Danny into an empty room and closes the door. She says, "This is ridiculous. It's been ridiculous ever since you came back." Danny doesn't know what she's talking about. C.J. asks if he minds if she turns off the lights. Yes, God knows it's too bright on this show. She turns them off, claiming, "It's just easier this way." For whom? Con Edison? She walks over to Danny and says that for three years she's been thinking about what might have been if not for their conflict of interest: "And I'm almost over it. I mean, I'm right there, and you come back..." Danny snaps, "Hey, I would have been back a lot sooner, but it's easier to get out of the Bermuda Triangle than it is to get out of Mandyville. Do you have any idea how many writers I had to blow?" No, no. I might be making that up. She continues: "With your scruffy face and your jokes and your incredible talent and your way of getting at...getting at me. And I was thinking, if we could...?" Danny: "Be adult?" C.J. suddenly wafts her wrist in front of his face and asks if he likes her perfume. Danny, slightly baffled: "Yeah." C.J. fingers her shirt and asks: "Do you like this blouse?" Danny asks, "What's gotten into you?" Word. Danny looks at it a little too long and says, "Yeah." C.J. looks around, still touching her blouse with both hands, and says, "Come here." Danny smiles with a mixture of disbelief and delight and takes a step closer. She puts her hands on his chest, sliding them slowly up to the sides of his head, and says, "Remember when you asked me what exactly I'd do to have you?" Danny: "Yeah?" C.J. says, "I'd do that." She picks up her folder and walks out. Danny's all dumsquizzled. That was...weird. Also...Danny is so easy. He needs to get some game.
Out in the hall, someone brings C.J. a document, which she reads. She walks into the Briefing Room and announces that she has revised estimates for Kundu: 25,000 now. Everyone's calling out C.J.'s name at once.
Josh runs into Charlie at his desk. Charlie's looking at the seating plan for the Inauguration. Josh says he's sitting with them in the staff section. Charlie: "Yeah, I'm looking for someone else." Josh asks, "Would it be weird if I just walked around with a military dress sabre?" Charlie: "Mm-hm." Josh asks if POTUS is in a security briefing; Charlie says he'll let POTUS know he's here. Josh tells Charlie that the Navy dress uniform pants have thirteen buttons: "I mean, tradition's tradition, but I'd be concerned about the level of bladder discipline that requires, wouldn't you?" Charlie has no idea what Josh is on about. I'm not sure Josh knows, himself.
POTUS is in the Roosevelt Room with a bunch of people, some military. It seems like a Situation Room group, but I don't know why they're not in the Situation Room. I guess it's not secret enough for that. Either that, or Leo wrecked the table with the water he spilled and he's trying to keep everybody out of there until he hatches some scheme to fix it. Jed's informed that King Nawa of Bhutan died, and his successor is a thirteen-year-old boy named Yeshey Pradhan Nawa. Jed: "Well, if he's old enough to marry Jerry Lee Lewis, I guess he's old enough to be King of Bhutan." Heh. up: a detained ship off the Port of Miami with a Nigerian flag. Coast Guard's on it. Some joint training exercise for the Black and Caspian Seas has been cleared. Jed interrupts the guy telling him this to ask what's going on in Kundu. Apparently, the General Assembly's debating a proclamation. Charlie arrives at Jed's side as Jed remarks, "Well, a proclamation ought to do the trick. What's the CIA know that I should know?" Proclamation Guy replies, "Neighbours are...swapping family members." Jed receives this news with a solemn expression. He thanks everyone and breaks up the meeting.
Charlie follows POTUS out, telling him Josh is waiting for him. In the hall, Jed says he's changed his mind again: not the Washington Bible. He's going to use his father's Bible. Interesting choice, given his complex relationship with his father. Jed stops and knocks at Leo's door, asking if he talked to Hutchinson. Leo did. Jed asks Charlie to tell Josh he'll just be a minute, and goes into Leo's office, closing the door. He asks Leo, "Did he tell me to shut up and let him run the Pentagon?" Leo: "In so many words." Jed: "How many?" Leo: "Not that many, as a matter of fact. We didn't get that far. I got Jack Reese in some trouble." Jed realizes Hutchinson must know he's seen a force depletion report: "He should be pissed at me, not Jack Reese." Leo takes exception to the idea that the Secretary of Defense should be pissed at the President of the United States. Jed tells him not to sweat it. Leo pretends to accept this and Jed reiterates more firmly: "Don't. Worry about it." He adds, "Clark says neighbours are swapping family members in Kundu." Leo looks grave: "Really?" Jed tells him that Bhutan also has a new king: "He's been bar mitzvahed and everything." As he's leaving, he mentions in an offhand way that the guy Leo hired to help with the Inauguration gave him some back chat. He says that Will was using a floor speech he gave about El Salvador "ninety-eight years ago" to demonstrate that the U.S. should troops into Kundu: "Rhetorically, I said, 'Why is a Kundunese life worth less to me than an American life?' And he said, 'I don't know, sir, but it is.'" Leo replies, "I'll try to get some better information." Jed thanks him and goes into the Oval Office.
Josh is waiting there for him. Jed says that there's intelligence that the Kundunese are swapping family members. Josh says he's sorry, but he doesn't understand. Jed: "For the night...they're swapping family members, you know, and...sleeping in each other's houses." Josh says, "Yes, sir," but I don't think he actually does get it. Jed asks what's going on. Josh says it's nothing he can't deal with himself. Jed orders him to stay. Josh says he just got off the phone with Jeffrey Tomlinson and Bob Bibbett, who are under the impression that the entire foreign policy section is being rewritten. Jed says it's not. Josh says he knows, but he was asked to emphasize that the current language has been vetted with the ranking members of House Armed Services. Jed says it's just being polished. Josh knows that too, but has been asked to remind him that the vetted version reflects existing treaties, some of which... Jed finishes the sentence: "Have my name on them. So tell Jeff Tomlinson and Bibby Bob to take a deep knee bend, would ya? I'm just as big a cotton candy ass as they are." Josh allows himself half a smirk. He turns to go, saying, "Yes, sir." Jed: "You just going to let that hang in the air?" Josh is on the ball: "Of course not, sir. You're a much bigger cotton candy ass than they are." Hee. Jed: "Damn right." Josh asks if there's anything else. POTUS says no.
Josh emerges from the Oval Office to find Donna waiting for him. He asks what's going on. As they walk, she tells him she doesn't know: "Jack's been reassigned." He's being sent to Aviano Air Force Base. Isn't he in the Navy? The hell? Actually, from the commercials at the end of the show, it looked to me like he got reassigned to Alias. He's gotten his orders already. Josh asks what happened. All she knows is that he did something he was asked to do, got a slap on the wrist, and won't tell her any more than that. Josh says that fast-track Navy guys are bound to bop around the globe a lot. Donna says that he was there less than three months, and he also said something happened. She's got kind of a desperate tone in her voice. Josh: "You can't begin to conceive of the internal politics of the Pentagon." Donna says that Jack works there, and that this has to do with the internal politics of the White House. Josh says that no one's told him anything about it, and that he's not going to ask. Donna says again that Jack was asked to do something for somebody: "It can only be Nancy, Leo, or the President." Josh, smirking slightly: "Three doors you definitely want to knock on to complain about your boyfriend being transferred to the Italian Alps." Donna: "Hey, I'm not Gidget, okay? Something..." Josh asks if Jack's complaining. Donna: "He doesn't complain." Josh: "I ask you that because sometimes people request transfers." Ah, good old Deputy Downer. I was wondering where he'd gotten to. Donna, after a pause in which she absorbs this blow: "Somebody asked him to do something and he did. I take him at his word, as should you. There'd be no reason not to." She shifts her body slightly so her posture's half defensive, half aggressive, and asks, "Is there anything you need?" He says no. She curtly says, "Thank you, sir." And hustles off. Gee, when I raised all that money to buy Donna her very own backbone, I had no idea she'd eventually ram it up Josh's ass.
Charlie comes along just to see Donna running off. He gives Josh a quizzical look. Josh says that Jack Reese got transferred. Charlie: "Well, I've got my own Beach Boys song going." Josh grins, saying, "If you tell me you've got a crush on Reese..." Oh, Josh. This is so sad. Stop projecting. You're the one who can't stop thinking about his sabre and his pants and those thirteen vexatious buttons. Everyone thinks your behaviour toward Donna is due to being put out because she's seeing Jack. It is, but it's not Jack you're envious of, it's Donna. Embrace the HoYay!, Josh. You missed your chance with Sam, and Jack's about to waltz out of your life, too. Who's left? Will you comfort Fitz in his lonely post-Leo rebound phase, as he cries his heart out thinking of Leo and Jordan together? Yeah, okay, the show. Charlie says that Jean-Pierre (Le Vicomte Eurotrash) is sitting to Zoey in the friends and family section. Josh: "Zoey's lover?" He gives Charlie a silly grin. Whatever, dude. Hey...maybe Frenchie's your new object of fixation. Even the President thinks he's gorgeous. Charlie asks, "It's important that you call him that?" Josh: "Isn't his name 'Jean-Paul'?" Charlie: "Are we gonna be together on this?" Josh says yeah. Charlie says okay.
Josh and Charlie both happen to glance at the TV that's on Josh's table, where footage of the violence and unrest in Kundu is running. We see people marching, and a shot of tanks in the streets. Josh mentions that intel says neighbours in Kundu are sleeping at each other's houses. Charlie asks what that means. Josh: "It means that they're making people in the same house rape each other on the promise their lives will be spared." Apparently a lot of viewers still didn't quite understand this, so I'll spell it out here: people stay in each other's houses, pretending to be related, so they won't be forced to rape members of their immediate family when the attackers invade their homes and villages. It's an attempt to slightly diminish the horror and brutality being visited upon them. Charlie takes that in and after a moment, says, "Okay." Suddenly his little drama with Zoey and Frenchie has way more perspective than he wanted. Charlie asks if Josh needs anything. Josh doesn't. Charlie walks out as the camera drifts over to the TV, where there's footage of bodies lying all over the place in a sunny field. The news camera lingers on a small black body, the corpse of a child. Just as there's a shot of hundreds of victims of slaughter packed together like so much garbage, Josh reaches to snap the TV off. The final shot is Josh's pensive face.