By LTG
I want to thank everyone who's dropped me a line to congratulate me on my new place. Still no cable, but I soldier on.
Also, thanks to the dozens of you who wrote to me to explain what a HALO drop is. If you're not one of those dozens, it turns out to that HALO stands for "High Altitude, Low Opening." You jump from a plane at some ridiculous altitude (30,000 or 40,000 feet), breathing from an oxygen canister, and don't open your parachute until you are just about to crash into the earth. Of course, it turns out that Deborah figured out the same thing last season. I must remember that the search feature is my friend.
The camera pans past several rows in an airplane. Everyone seems to be writing furiously on a laptop, until we get to one guy who is writing on an orange. He reaches down and rolls the orange up the center aisle of the plane.
OrangeCam! The orange rolls straight up the aisle. Where's Ralph Wiggum when you need him? Ah, well, if I must do the honors myself...Go, banana! After a bit more rolling, the orange hits the foot of one Josh Lyman. Man, that guy really knows how to aim -- remind me to get him on my team at the West Wing bowling tournament.
Josh picks up the orange, stands up, and starts walking toward the rear of the plane. As he walks, we see a shot of the orange. In black magic marker, it reads "Hoynes up 9 in CA." Despite the fact that the orange didn't roll through any curtains, Josh throws open the curtains that separate two sections of the plane. Instantly, reporters start calling out questions. Josh cuts them off immediately, saying, "The only poll that matters is on Super Tuesday. Off the record, no way is Hoynes up nine in California." One reporter points out that it's an internal poll from the Hoynes campaign, as if that somehow makes it more reliable. Someone else asks if Josh has anything to say about the fact that polling shows Russell five points ahead of Hoynes in New York. I'm not sure why Josh would have anything to say about that, but he points out that Russell has spent so much time campaigning in New York, "I think the guy has a hack license by now." John Wells was probably his instructor. In the scrum, we also learn that it's four days until Super Tuesday. After a few more questions, Josh tells the reporters that he's "through talking about polls." When one reporter asks if that's because Santos is third in every poll, Josh gets a bit self-righteous and responds, "'Cause we're here to talk about issues. It's a presidential campaign, it's not a statistics convention." If it were a statistics convention, I'll bet the reporters would be a bit geekier but a lot more fun. Because those statisticians are wild. Having just denounced statistics, Josh tells the reporters, "We got Hoynes up by a lot less than nine." And with that, Josh pulls the curtain closed and returns to the front of the plane.
Josh walks up to Ronna and tells her, "It's been two days since the press asked me a policy question. I think that one was about the no-smoking policy on the plane." Ronna asks Josh whether he's heard that the California legislature just passed a bill that would deny driver's licenses to illegal immigrants. She thinks it's likely that Santos will want to denounce the bill. Josh: "Of course. Third in the polls, why not champion the one group of Californians who can't vote." Ronna asks Josh if he'll speak to Santos about it. Josh sighs, and says that he will. Oh, come on, Josh. You know Santos won't get too mad at you. Not if you give him that cute little smile, maybe throw some dimples around.
Santos and Helen are sitting in the far front of the plane, in facing seats with a table between them. Santos looks up from the book he's reading and tells Helen that he really liked "those little bacon things they had at the fundraiser in Ohio." She looks up from her crossword puzzle and tells him that she liked them too, but that it was Oregon where they served them. He tells her that with all the traveling they've been doing, it's lucky he knew "it was an O state." They exchange little smiles, and then Helen gets up and sits back down to Santos. She tells him that, at this point, all she does is "read the talking points they put in front of [her]." There's a stack of index cards on the table in front of Santos, and he picks them up and starts pretending to read from them: "'Ms. Santos, pleasure to see you again,' it says here. 'I had such a great time during our last conjugal visit,' page two, 'that my staff suggested I follow up.'" She whispers to him that she already maxed out on her donations in Oregon. Speaking of O states. Just as they are about to get bizzay, the pilot announces that they're about to start their descent. Yes, I think they are -- their descent to the floor. But Josh demonstrates his impeccable timing by knocking on the door, and then enters the cabin and sits down opposite them. Josh tells Santos about the driver's license bill and, in response to Helen's question, tells them that it's a tactic on the part of the Republican legislators to divide the Democrats. Josh tells Santos that it would be a bad idea for him to speak out on the bill, and is pretty surprised when Santos interrupts him to say that he doesn't want to speak out on the bill. Helen seems pretty surprised herself. They put on their seatbelts, and Santos tells Josh he wants to speak about the latest internal poll when they get to the hotel.
The camera zooms in down a hotel corridor, landing on the door of the elevator just as it's opening. It's a very unusual shot for this show, and I have no idea what it's supposed to add to the scene. There's a super-hot guy standing to the door of the elevator when Josh, Santos, and crew walk off. Josh introduces the hot guy as Bram, who's been doing advance work in the state. I'm sorry, but "Bram"? Is he going to try to bite my neck? Or drive a stake through my heart? Actually, after taking a second look at this guy, he's free to do either of those things. Just change the words "stake" and "heart" to something else. Bram tells Santos that he'll want to change his clothes quickly, because he has "a handful of meet-and-greets, then a quick clutch followed by a receiving line." Hmmm, that sounds like a typical night at my neighborhood bar. Bram hands Santos a card and starts feeding him facts about some donor he's about to meet. In particular, he tells Santos to "congratulate him on his wife's thyroid operation." Helen asks if the surgery was a success, and Bram quickly suggests that Santos not actually mention the operation. Bram also tells Santos that Ed Garcia is waiting for him in his room. Santos is surprised to hear that "Eddie" is there to see him, and Josh tells him that there were some last-minute details to work out about La Palabra's endorsement. Bram expositions that La Palabra is "huge in the Latino community." I'm glad he told us that, 'cause for a second I thought that maybe La Palabra was a Franco-American organization.
The group enters the hotel suite, which is already full of campaign workers and well-wishers. Helen walks up to a balding man with a beard and greets him as Eddie. He hugs Helen and calls her the "campaign widow." He also has a warm greeting for Santos, who tells him how nice it is to see a friendly face.
Santos, Helen, and Eddie walk into the Santoses' private bedroom, where Santos starts changing his shirt and tie. We learn that the campaign plans to spend only two days in California before heading off to Rhode Island. I'm sorry, but nobody visits Rhode Island in the last two days before a primary. They're basically only going to be in California long enough to collect La Palabra's endorsement. Helen walks off...somewhere, and Eddie tells Santos that he needs to denounce the driver's license bill in his speech to La Palabra. Santos tells Eddie that he doesn't want to do that: "It will define my whole campaign. I don't want voters to see me as just the brown candidate." Eddie responds with the best line of the episode: "Then I hope some of them have black and white TVs." Eddie points out that the governor really wants to veto the bill, but that he needs some political cover to do that. Presumably, a speech by one of the leading contenders for the Democratic nomination will give him that cover. Santos points out that he has no reason to help the governor, who has already endorsed Hoynes. Santos tells Eddie, "We need to focus on electing a progressive candidate. Then we can take on all the tough causes." Eddie wonders where they're going to find that progressive candidate. I don't know. Have you spoken to Arnold Vinick? Eddie's clearly disappointed in Santos: "Maybe you don't see more friendly faces because your friends have trouble recognizing you." Santos repeats that he won't speak on the bill, and Eddie leaves the room. Josh and Bram enter the room to move Santos along, and Bram feeds him facts about the donor again. Credits.
Helen, Santos, Josh, and Bram walk down the hotel corridor, followed by a couple of other people. Bram tells Santos that he's meeting with the "herbal medicine lobby" in five minutes. Since this is California, I was hoping that "herbal medicine" was code for the chronic, but it turns out not to be the case. Apparently, some non-traditional medicine types are upset that the Santos health plan doesn't include coverage for their particular brand of quackery, so he's meeting with them before his "home health care hit." Before the group is even near the corner, reporters around the corner start calling out questions. How'd they do that? Are there security mirrors in the hallway? Or just a bad director? In any case, the questions are flying fast and furious. Someone starts to tell Santos that one poll says that "if the election were held today...." Santos cuts him off, noting that "people would be surprised, because it's normally held on election day." Someone gets in a question about whether the governor should veto the driver's license bill, and Santos responds that he's not going to tell the governor what to do. The final question is about whether Santos is worried that Vinick is sweeping the Republican primaries. I know they've painted an impressive picture of Vinick, but I still don't see how a pro-choice Republican gets many votes in their primaries. Santos and company enter an elevator, and Santos tells the reporters that the ongoing scrapping on the Democratic side will just make them stronger in November.
Santos, Josh, and Bram enter a hallway. They pass Ronna on the way in, and Santos asks her to make sure Helen has her speech folder. Bram tells him that there are some meet-and-greets in the hallway. Santos turns back to Josh and tells him that he still wants to discuss the internal polls. But just then, the first meet-and-greet grabs him. She reminds Santos that she sat with him at some event, and he insincerely tells her how great it is to see her again. She asks him why he never speaks about global warming, and he tells her that he just gave two speeches on the topic. So she asks again why he never discusses it. The point? Voters are stupid. He runs into more folks in the hallway, including a guy who grabs his hand and tells him that people say he looks exactly like Santos. And I look just like Rob Lowe. Having run the gantlet, Santos catches up with Josh and tells him that he thinks the latest internal poll looks promising. Josh wonders what's promising about being third in a three-way race, and Santos points out that, on all the big issues, the voters agree with him. Josh tells him that the press isn't writing about issues -- they're just following the horse race. Santos takes this as a challenge to be more disciplined about staying on message. Bram chooses this moment to pull Santos away to meet some other voters.
A rather nondescript white guy walks up to Josh. When Josh asks him if he wants to meet Santos, he responds that he actually wants to meet Josh. It turns out that he's the campaign's new finance director, Paul Hickman. Once again, I'm really not so sure I have much faith in Josh's hands-off management style. Shouldn't the campaign manager have met the finance director? Josh calls Hickman the "human cash register," and wonders why he's not out raising money. Hickman tells him that he wanted to deliver the news in person, and Josh curtly tells him that he wants Hickman to give him money, not news. Hickman: "Since we have no money, I thought I'd opt for news." Josh asks what he means by "no money," and Hickman hands him a small stack of papers. Josh looks at the top sheet and notes that Hickman is "going with the literal meaning." Hickman tells him that all of the Super Tuesday polls have spooked their big donors, and that the internet fundraising is not enough to support the campaign. Well, everybody knows that the only thing that makes money on the internet is porn. Have you tried putting up some beefcake shots of Santos? (And Bram, while you're at it.) Josh tells Hickman to give him a couple of hours to think of a plan, and that they'll brief Santos that evening.
Exterior shot of a hotel. An actually useful subtitle tells us that we're in New York City. Yes, I praised a subtitle. Death and his chums will be riding out any minute now.
Inside the hotel, Bingo Bob strides through a bar or lobby area, followed by Will, Donna, and some Secret Service types. Bob approaches a curtained doorway, where Hoynes is standing listening to some speeches going on in the room. Hoynes turns to Bob and greets him as "Mr. Vice-President." Bingo Bob, in turn, greets Hoynes as "John." Hoynes wonders if Russell wants to drop the formalities, and the Veep tells him that he "has no intention of dropping them." That's a punk-ass move, Bingo Bob. I don't care what your title or position -- you shouldn't be calling people by their first names unless you're willing to be called by your own first name. So for the rest of this episode, I'm stripping you of all names. From here on in, you'll be known as Punk-Ass. Hoynes tells Punk-Ass to enjoy the formalities while he can, calling the Vice-Presidency "the most exquisitely tailored straitjacket known to man." So now we know what kind of kink Hoynes is into. The speaker in the room introduces the two of them, and Hoynes walks through the curtain. Punk-Ass takes a second to hang back and insult Hoynes to Will and Donna: "The guy just got endorsed by the Governor of California, he looks like he's been drinking out of the reservoir." Wha? Punk-Ass, I think you've been hanging around Will too long.
After the two candidates have gone, Will and Donna walk over to some other staffers standing nearby. Will tells one of them that he needs some statement redrafted using CBO numbers instead of OMB numbers. Except that he has to be a prick and go on to tell the person he's speaking to that the two organizations aren't interchangeable. He gives some more instructions to the staffers while Donna tries to get his attention. As the two of them walk away, she says something to him, but I have no idea what. He tells her that they're not going to California, and she reminds him that there's a primary coming up. Will thinks that with the governor backing Hoynes, and with Hoynes planning to spend the two days campaigning in California, Punk-Ass would be wiser to spend his time focusing on New York and Ohio, where he actually has a chance to win. Will starts to go up some stairs, and Donna wonders if this might not be a good time to talk about her job. He's worried that she's going to bolt on him. Well, she does have a history of doing that. She tells him that she's happy being "master of all tasks" (which Will corrects to "mistress," and now we know what his kink is), but that she wonders if she wouldn't be better used if she were given a single area of responsibility. Will hands her a piece of paper and asks her to read it aloud. She starts to read a statement denouncing Hoynes's education plan. After a couple of seconds, Will calls out for the press pool to come over, telling them, "Donna Moss has a statement." He walks away, and Donna turns around to find herself facing a dozen reporters and camerapeople. She looks a little stunned, but gives them a game smile.
Santos, Helen, and Josh are walking down a hotel corridor. Josh asks Santos why he's trailing Hoynes among suburban women, and Santos starts to say that it's because he doesn't go around preaching values all the time. The question is clearly practice, because Josh interrupts him to tell him not to answer the question and then get to the message, but instead to shove the message right up front: "When they learn about my health care plan, which moves us step-by-step towards universal coverage, starting with all children, that gap will close." Just then, Bram appears out of nowhere and he whispers to Josh that he spoke with Garcia, and that there's a problem with "the La Palabra endorsement." Josh tells him that it's redundant to use "the" with "la," and Bram tells him, "la endorsement is off. Garcia says la congressman knows why." By this time, Santos and Helen are a good way down the corridor. Josh looks after them, and Santos stops to wait while Helen goes on. Josh walks up to Santos and asks if it's true that the endorsement is off. Santos tells him that Eddie is mad because he won't denounce the driver's license bill. Josh tells him that he needs to solve this problem: "You want to come in fifth in a three-way race?" Santos thinks Garcia is angry, but that he won't "stiff the first serious Latino to run for President." Josh says that he'll see Garcia in the morning, and as he walks away, Santos tells him not to promise Garcia anything on the bill.
Back in New York, Donna is in the middle of briefing the press on the education statement. She's clearly moved on to taking questions, and she's handling them very well. A reporter asks whether she thinks the focus on science education is really going to "blunt Hoynes's surge in California." Donna tells him that it's not about politics: "It's about curing polio." The same reporter tells her that polio's been cured (which is not entirely true), and Donna recovers gracefully, claiming that it's important not to become complacent. She asks if any of them have any questions about science education. The reporters don't, but some oleaginous creep walking up behind Donna does. This guy reminds me of Chris Parnell, and he's about as sleazy as Parnell would be in some SNL skit about...a sleazy guy. ["Merv the Perv?" -- Wing Chun] Donna looks at him and identifies him as Bill Brewer, and tells him, "I don't take questions from Hoynes advisers." He doesn't seem to care, asking her how Punk-Ass can "turn up his nose at character education when parents are out of their gourds trying to pass on the right values to their kids." Donna points out that the Punk-Ass campaign is "focusing on things [parents] can't pass on, like AP physics." Surely there are some parents who can pass AP physics on to their kids. Of course, I'll bet those parents all have kids who dream of becoming poets. Donna and Brewer exchange some more banter until the press loses interest and wanders away.
Once Donna and Brewer are alone, he confesses that he actually prefers the Punk-Ass education plan, complaining that Hoynes has been on a bit of a values kick. Donna wonders who would really want the government giving values to their kids: "Whatever happened to my right to raise spoiled selfish little jerks?" So apparently Donna admires Mother Lyman's parenting technique. As Donna walks away, Brewer follows her and asks her to have a drink with him later. She looks at him, clearly surprised, and tells him, "No. I mean, you work for Hoynes. It'd be like sleeping with the enemy. Not that we'd actually sleep together." Brewer asks her if she's the new Punk-Ass spokesperson, and she tells him that she was on a try-out. He tells her, "Nice try," and walks away.
In the Santos suite, Santos is pouring a couple of glasses of wine while Helen reads him some statistics. Apparently, "Governor Tillman was elected with 71% of the Latino vote, but 67% of Californians think it's wrong to grant driver's licenses to people who are here illegally." Santos carries a glass of wine over to her and says, "Nobody told me there'd be math." Speaking of math, Josh enters the room with Hickman and asks if he can have five minutes of Santos's time. Josh introduces Santos to Hickman (calling him the new finance director). So neither the candidate nor the campaign manager met the finance director before he was hired. I sense a prime fraud opportunity right there. Santos calls Hickman "Phil," and Josh says that he should be called "Hickman," while Hickman tells them both that he'd really prefer to be called "Paul." Sorry, it's too late now. Hickman you are, and Hickman you shall remain. Santos wonders why Hickman isn't raising money back at headquarters. Hickman hands some financial statements to Santos, and gives a copy to Helen. He basically tells them that after they pay the bills for Super Tuesday, they will be out of money. Santos asks him to get to the point. Hickman: "If we don't do something to beat expectations on Tuesday, I don't see how we can continue the campaign." Well, that really brought down the energy in the room.
After a few seconds of deadly silence, Josh tells Santos that Punk-Ass has cancelled his campaign visit to California, so Josh wants to cancel the trips to Rhode Island and New York and focus all their energy on California: "We can't overtake Hoynes, but maybe we can squeak by [Punk-Ass], come in second." Santos approves the plan, and Josh and Hickman start to leave. Before they reach the door, Helen asks for confirmation that if they come in second in California, they will be able to raise enough money to keep going. Hickman tells her that it's likely. She asks what happens if they don't come in second, and Josh tells her, "Let's burn that bridge when we get to it." Helen points out that the Texas primary is two weeks away, and suddenly Santos wants to know what his backup options are. Hickman tells him that there are no options: "Even a bare-bones campaign in Texas would cost three hundred, four hundred grand." Santos wonders if they can borrow, and Hickman tells him that it's illegal for a campaign to borrow money, except from the candidate directly. Santos suggests that he and Helen mortgage their house and loan the money to the campaign. Suddenly Helen agrees that they should not think about this until they need to, but Santos wants to know that he'll have the money to continue. Josh points out that if the campaign goes that far into debt, the only way ever to pay it off would be for Santos to return to Congress. Santos tells them to have the mortgage papers drawn up. This request is met with a stony silence, and he tells them that he wants the papers ready as backup: "If we come in second here, it's moot anyway, right?" Josh and Hickman leave the suite, and Helen gives Santos an icy glare before walking into the other room and closing the door.
In a darkened room, we hear a rap on the door, and Donna's voice calling out, "Will?" A cursed subtitle tells us that we're in New York and that it's 3:24 AM. Why, over a third of the way through the episode, did they feel the need to use subtitles again? Were they concerned that we would suddenly think Donna and Will had gone on to some other city? Did they think we wouldn't see how dark it was and realize that it was late at night? I mean, the continuing existence of this show despite its low ratings is premised on the fact that it has an extraordinarily educated audience. Why must they treat us like we're stupid? In any case, Donna enters Will's hotel room. I can only assume that they are sharing a suite with adjoining doors, because I don't want to imagine the circumstances under which Donna would have a key to Will's hotel room. She calls out his name again and gets no response. She walks up to him, lying half-dressed in his bed, and again calls his name. When she gets no response, she says, "Hoynes wants to colonize Mars with nonviolent drug offenders." Will just mutters "recidivism." So Donna picks up a glass of water from Will's bedside table and pours it on his head. Remind me again why people think this woman deserves a promotion? Will is instantly alert, noting that it's 3 AM. Donna tells him that she couldn't sleep, and then tells him about Brewer inviting her for a drink. Will thinks she must have decided to pour the drink on his head instead of having it with Brewer. Donna tells him that Hoynes was supposed to be flying to California that night to give two big speeches the day, and she thinks it's odd that Brewer (who, she tells us, is Hoynes's issues director) would still be in New York looking to have drinks with flighty blondes. Donna thinks that maybe Hoynes isn't going to California at all: "What if it's a head fake so we won't campaign there?" Will throws out a couple of suggestions, which Donna quickly shoots down. He takes a second to think, and then rolls over to the far side of the bed and makes a call. He apologizes to Susan for calling her so late, and then asks if there have been any changes to Hoynes's schedule. He listens to her for a second, and then hangs up. Turning back to Donna, he tells her that Hoynes cancelled his San Diego fundraiser and is spending a few more hours in New York: "Apparently it's a sore throat." Donna starts to walk out of the room, and Will tells her to wake up the research staff. Why? What are they going to research? Hoynes's history of developing sore throats? Commercials.
Santos is sitting in his hotel room. A fucking subtitle reminds us that he's in Sacramento, and tells us that it's 12:40 AM. Helen is on the other side of the bed, putting her jewelry away and starting to get undressed. Santos asks her if she has anything to say, and she wonders if he's talking about the weather. He tells her that the mortgage is just a backup, and she asks if it's just about Texas. He points out again that it's just a backup, and she accuses him of trying to trap her "in the middle of a Tammy Wynette medley. Like I'm supposed to quash your ambitions and force you to rake leaves all your life." Wait a minute. I thought a Tammy Wynette medley would be about how she's supposed to let him walk all over her while she continues to support him? Have I been misinterpreting "Stand By Your Man" all these years? What she's really angry about, of course, is the idea that Santos would have to go back to Congress. He thinks that in one two-year term, they would be able to retire all the debt. He tells her that it's only going to be a problem if they don't come in second. She's not impressed with this logic, saying, "Second place. Like we're betting everything on Papa's Moustache in the fourth. Which we are." They sit on opposite sides of the bed, their backs to each other. Santos starts taking off his shoes, and then stops. He tells Helen, "Hey, it's your house, too. Tell me not to, and I won't." I like how he acts all noble about this -- I mean, assuming both names are on the deed, it's not like he could mortgage the house without her consent. They turn to face each other on the bed, and she asks, "One two-year term, and then what? You have no intention of running for President again?" He repeats, "Tell me not to, and I won't." She doesn't respond.
It's the day, and Santos is doing more meeting-and-greeting in the hallway of the hotel. After having a photo taken with two supporters, he's accosted by a guy who asks for an autograph on his hernia truss. Santos is a bit hesitant, but the guy reassures him that it's not the one he wears -- it's the one he manufactures. Santos takes the truss and writes "thanks for the support" on it. And then Bram grabs him and brings him to meet with some reporters.
Josh is in his hotel room getting dressed. There's a knock on the door. It's Helen. She enters, dressed in a not-too-attractive orange suit. Josh greets her as "Mrs. Santos," and she tells him, "Oh, call me Helen. You make me sound like a grandmother. Or a shop teacher. Or the grandmother of a shop teacher." It sounds to me like she's been hanging out with the herbal medicine lobby. Josh tells her that Santos is doing some television interviews, but she tells Josh that she actually wants to speak to him. She starts to speak, but he interrupts her, saying, "Don't sign those loan papers. There's some bad trade-offs in this business..." Now it's her turn to interrupt: "For the staff? A lot of bad trade-offs for the staff? Oh, all those long hours must be dreadful, and the fast food..." Helen, you're losing my sympathy, here. There's no need to be so rude to Josh. I can give you a crappy nickname too, if you're not careful. Apparently, no one will be allowed to finish a sentence in this conversation, as Josh interrupts to tell Helen how bad he feels about what happened in that meeting. Helen asks what chance they have of coming in second. He tells her that they have a chance, but she wants to know what kind of chance it is. He tells her, "A pretty small one." Yeah. I mean, it would really require one of the other candidates' dropping out of the race because of some unforeseen scandal. And what are the chances of that happening? There's a long pause, and then Helen thanks Josh for talking shop before she leaves the room.
Santos is in a room set up with some cameras. He asks Bram where the reporters are, and Bram tells him that they're satellite interviews: "You'll hear the questions through your earpiece." Santos wonders why there's a brightly lit fake window behind him, and Bram tells him that it's there to play the viewers for idiots. Or to add "psychological lightness." One or the other. And then the interviews start. We see snippets of a bunch of them. The point is to demonstrate how ruthlessly on-message Santos stays, talking about nothing else but his health care plan. Also, we learn that in California, only NBC stations use on-screen graphics. That's an interesting fact.
Josh is in the office of La Palabra. A sign on the wall reads "cuentan todas las votas." ("Count all the votes.") Josh greets Eddie, who can barely contain his disdain for the way Josh has turned Santos into just another politician. Josh tells Eddie that Punk-Ass has come out in favor of the driver's license bill, and points out that Punk-Ass could beat Santos just based on that position, even though he's not campaigning in the state. Garcia points out that lots of things that have been right have not been popular. They have a little debate on the merits of the bill. It's boring. But as Garcia slowly beats back Josh's arguments, Josh switches track and tells Garcia that it's not about the substance of the bill. Josh starts talking about the political reality, and then Garcia lets Josh know that Hoynes has agreed to speak out against the bill, and is therefore going to get La Palabra's endorsement. Garcia lets Josh know that he doesn't really care about having a Latino president if the guy won't stand up for Latinos.
A phone rings. Josh is calling some guy named "Leo" who works in some place called "the West Wing." Please. I really don't think we need these pointless scenes that take us away from the campaign trail. I mean, that is what this show is about, right? Josh complains about how crappy things are going, and Leo points out that Josh has thought things were going badly all along. Josh is concerned because Santos has started looking at polling numbers, which he hasn't really done before. Leo points out that Josh has wanted Santos to care more about polls all along. Having got what he wanted, Josh is not satisfied, telling Leo, "The guy is playing this to win. Even when the numbers make you want to lie down." Leo tells him, "It's your job to doubt. It's his job to believe. Just don't let him do anything too loopy." Josh says, "I'll call you later," and hangs up abruptly.
Bram and Santos walk down a hotel corridor. Bram is showing Santos the site diagram for an education event, and telling him that if he stays within a certain area, every shot will feature him and some kids. This is important because "as long as those kids are visible from every camera location, [the event] will scream 'education.'" I think it will scream "photo op." Josh joins them, and Bram leaves.
Josh and Santos enter an elevator. Josh leans up against the wall, takes a breath, and tells Santos, "La Palabra wants to endorse John Hoynes." Santos looks pretty unhappy. Josh tells him that it's because Hoynes has agreed to denounce the driver's license bill when he appears with the Governor the day. Josh suggests that they "beat him to it," but Santos thinks it won't be news: "Latino comes out for Latinos." Santos also thinks that people would stop listening to him, because they would tag him as a single-issue candidate. Josh tells Santos that Josh was wrong to push the politics, and that Santos should be free to be himself. But it seems pretty clear that Santos is being himself when he once again refuses to speak out on the bill. Josh thinks that Garcia is serious about endorsing Hoynes. Santos gets a bit snappish: "Maybe he should be. And not for nothing, Josh, Garcia can tell me if he thinks I'm not being Latino enough. You can't, okay?" But can he tell you if you're being pissy enough? Because I think you are. The elevator door opens, and Santos strides out. Josh just stands there while the door starts to close. Just before it closes, he blocks it with his hand. When the door opens again, he walks after Santos.
Donna knocks on a hotel door. Once again, there's a fucking subtitle telling us that we're in New York. You know, I think this bothers me more than when they use them consistently. At least then I can think of it as a stupid decision that someone made. But using them for some scenes but not for others is driving me crazy. Do the producers really think that the audience would be able to figure out that Santos and Josh were still in California but would be completely confused as to Donna's location? If there's someone out there reading this who's connected to the show, please email me and tell me who is responsible for this decision. And if there's any justification for it, let me know about it. I promise to keep your identity a secret. I just have to know why they're doing this. Anyway, Donna knocks on the door, and a voice asks who it is. She identifies herself, and clarifies that she's from "the [Punk-Ass] campaign. You know, the 'character doesn't count' people." Brewer's on the other side of the door, and she asks him if he's interested in a late-morning drink. He tells her he's not decent. Donna: "I could have told you that yesterday." He opens the door, and she takes one step into the room. She looks around and sees that his clothes are strewn all over the room, and that nothing is packed. She points out that he's not packed for California, and before he even starts to tell her about the unexpected delay, she's turned around and walking down the hall. He apparently thinks that she's freaked out by the messy room, because he offers to call housekeeping. I'm trying to figure out if Donna was really intending to have a drink with that guy, or if she went there to get information. I really want to think that she would have better taste than to be interested in Brewer, but at the same time, she looked really surprised to see that he had not packed. If she was looking for information, I would think that would have been one piece of information she might have expected to discover. And on another note, why would the Hoynes and Russell campaigns both be camped out at the same hotel in New York? I understand that they were both there initially to appear at some event, but would they each choose the same place to shack up?
Will is walking up an ornate staircase in the hotel when Donna meets him coming in the other direction. She hits him with a veritable flood of words, telling him about the fact that Brewer is not packed to go to California and doesn't seem to be planning on going. Will stops her, and offers to lend her some punctuation, and she slows down enough to say, "Hoynes is still here. I don't think he's going to California at all, and I think we should." But Will doesn't think they can bring it to Punk-Ass until they are certain. Donna says that they need to get the press working on trying to find out what's going on with Hoynes. Will mutters, "I've created a monster." I think there are a lot of other people who can take credit for Donna's political acumen -- not least of all Donna herself. But I will give Will credit for pushing her along and giving her some room to grow. Will dials his cell phone and then hands it to Donna. She starts talking to the person on the other end: "I've got a teeny little tip for the paper of record. Don't you think it's strange that Hoynes lays out this great big California strategy and then fails to show up for it?" Commercials.
We're at the Santos education event, which is being held in a classroom. A bunch of creepy kids thank "Mr. and Mrs. Santos" in unison. And, of course, there's a fucking subtitle to tell us that we're in Sacramento and that it's 1:02 PM. All the kids wave, say goodbye, and file out of the room. (One little ham with an Adam Rich haircut gives Santos a high five on his way out of the room.) Wait, isn't this their classroom? School's not over yet. Where are they going? Somebody call the truant officer. As soon as the kids leave, a reporter starts in with questions about the driver's license bill. Santos sticks to his message of the day, talking about the need for kids to read at grade level. Behind him, there's a young woman erasing the blackboard. Is she the teacher? If she is, why isn't she with the kids? Ronna is standing off to the side with Josh, and she admires the way Santos is handling the questions.
Back in New York (which, for some reason, does not require a subtitle this time), Donna walks around a corner in the hotel with a pack of reporters on her tail. They're all asking about Hoynes, and she points out that they're supposed to be the journalists. One of these exceptionally stupid reporters asks Donna to "go over this one more time." She turns around and tells them that Punk-Ass was planning on campaigning in California, and then Hoynes got the endorsement of the Governor and announced that he was planning on spending several days there: "Now that we cancelled our trip, Hoynes is holed up in New York, canceling his California events left and right like a Foghat reunion tour." She turns to walk away, and the same stupid reporter asks her what she thinks it means. She turns back and channels C.J. perfectly when she says, "Do I look like an investigative reporter? The answer is, I do not, and I can't believe you're all just standing around when you should go do your jobs." The elevator behind her opens at just that moment. I think that elevators in these hotels must have automatic dramatic tension meters that cause the doors to open at the most dramatically apt moment. We should get some of those for my office. As the door is closing on the elevator, Donna shouts at the remaining reporters, "Go!" The dumbest reporter ever takes off after the pack as they run down the hall.
Santos, Helen, and Josh are settling into the plane. They're headed off to L.A., and Santos wonders if they've scheduled enough free media while they're there. Josh tells them that there's a rumor Hoynes isn't coming to California at all. If that's true, it means Hoynes doesn't have to say a thing about the driver's license bill. Santos thinks that Hoynes's promise to Garcia may have been a trap for Santos -- an attempt to get him to speak out against the bill so that Hoynes could turn around and tag him as being weak on immigration. Josh tells them that about five of the reporters assigned to the Santos campaign are trying to track down the Hoynes story. Helen wonders how it is that Santos is in third place if he's the only candidate actually campaigning in California. Josh doesn't have an answer for that one. Santos suggests that Josh try to get more reporters working on the story, and he passes Josh an orange on which he's written "Where is Hoynes." Does everyone on this plane carry around magic markers? And is Josh supposed to roll that orange back to the press, or to walk back into the press area and pretend that someone else rolled it up to him?
Back in New York (still without subtitles, thank God), Brewer is walking down a corridor being hounded by the same pack of reporters. He's telling them that Hoynes has a mild cold and that he'll be flying to California and will maintain an aggressive schedule there. One reporter asks why he can't rest on the plane if the cold is so minor. Brewer tells them, "You shake hands with every pretzel vendor on Manhattan island, see if you don't come home with a great big germ cocktail." I think the germ cocktail is half price if you buy two pretzels. Brewer manages to get away from them, and as he walks away, he asks an aide to find out why they're still in New York.
Leo's phone rings in the White House. He knows it's Josh even before he answers, wondering why it's been a full thirteen and a half minutes since Josh called him. Is Josh really calling that often? Maybe I should have saved the name "Punk-Ass" for him. We see Josh on his cell phone as a fucking subtitle tells us that he's in L.A. and that it's 4:10 PM. Josh wonders if the Santos campaign wouldn't get courage points for taking an unpopular position if they speak out against the driver's license bill. Leo thinks that Santos is right: taking a position on the bill will marginalize his campaign. But Josh is worried that Santos is being irrational with his plans to mortgage his house and fight the campaign to a bitter end. Leo tells him, "I've seen this in tons of candidates. The ride's almost over; they want to hang on. The crowds, the adrenaline. You wait -- he'll even miss the bad headlines." Josh wonders if Leo really thinks the ride is almost over. Leo praises Josh for having "taken a junior House nobody and making him a national brand -- a contender for the Vice-Presidency, even." Josh points out that Santos still believes he can win. Leo repeats that it's Santos's job to believe, but Josh thinks it's his fault: "He got it from me. He believes it 'cause I hammered it into him." Bram calls Josh over, and he ends the call with Leo.
Ronna, Bram, and some other staffers are watching CNN. Apparently, the Hoynes story is taking off. Josh wonders whether Santos shouldn't be out doing meet-and-greets, but Ronna tells him that "they're signing the loan papers first." Josh seems angry that Ronna gave Santos the papers, but Ronna tells him that it was actually Helen who asked for them.
Josh walks into the Santoses' room, where they are sitting on the bed and signing a mess of papers. When I signed my mortgage papers, there was no bedroom involved. Although perhaps I would have gotten a lower rate if there had been. Helen asks Josh, "I don't suppose in addition to your many skills that you're a notary public?" Josh looks dumsquizzled. He tells them not to sign the papers, and Santos tells him that they're not sending the papers to the bank unless they have to: "We just want to make sure we're covered for Texas." He gives Helen a meaningful look as he says the last line. Josh thinks they are destroying their financial future. Santos points out that they can avoid that problem by coming in second. Josh closes the door behind him, and tells him, "We can't. There's no chance. I'm sorry." Santos starts to talk about Hoynes staying in New York, and Josh cuts him off: "We're not gonna win the nomination. I made myself believe it. You too. But you can't risk everything for this. You should go to La Palabra and make a strong statement against the driver's license bill. You should remember who your friends are -- not some names on an index card but the people you're going back to. And then you should take a bow and you should step off the stage." Santos does not look happy to hear this. Helen puts down the papers, puts her hand on Santos's shoulder, and gets up and leaves the room.
And then Santos tells Josh a heartwarming story about how after he got out of the Marines he was offered a job in the Pentagon, but that he didn't get it because he couldn't pass the FBI background check; the investigator couldn't confirm that any of the people he grew up with actually knew him. Santos went back to his old neighborhood to see what was going on, and when he saw the neighbor kids, they came running up to him and told him, "Uncle Matt, the feds, they were here looking for you. We told 'em we never heard of you!" And imitating the kids, he gives a conspiratorial nod. Santos goes on: "You're not the only one who can read bad polls, Josh. I am running for President in that Texas primary, and those kids are gonna see me do that. And that's the only statement about my skin color I intend to make in this campaign." And that was the scene that made me believe that Jimmy Smits might be able to pull off being President on this show. Bram enters the room to get Santos for more meet-and-greets. Bram starts feeding him more facts about the person he's going to meet, but Santos actually recalls meeting the guy before. Santos leaves, but before he goes, Josh gives him a little smile. Helen returns to the room, and Josh asks her, "When you asked our chances before, you wanted to make sure the loan was ready if we lost here?" She doesn't answer, and then Ronna runs into the room to tell them that something has happened to Hoynes.
We see Hoynes and a gaggle -- nay, a swarm -- of aides heading down the fancy staircase in New York's only hotel. A fucking subtitle tells us that we're in New York and that it's 10:22 PM. There's a huge crowd of reporters shouting out questions. Here's another question -- why does every one of these "reporters shout questions" scenes start with someone yelling out "there he is"? I mean, if you can see him, do you really want to give a heads-up to all of your competitors? In any case, there are many questions shouted, and no answers given.
Back in L.A., Santos is meeting-and-greeting in a hotel corridor when Josh comes running up and pulls him away. Josh pulls Santos back into the suite, where everyone has gathered around a television on which an anchorman is announcing that one of Hoynes's former Senate staffers has come forward to complain that when he was in the Senate, Hoynes made "inappropriate sexual advances toward her."
In the room, Helen and Ronna are watching the coverage on a different station. We learn that at the time Hoynes tried to get his freak on with this staffer, she was a senior at Georgetown and that her parents were big Hoynes supporters. Which leads me to believe that she was an intern in his office, and not a staffer. And we all know interns are fair game for inappropriate sexual advances. At least, that's the philosophy here at TWoP Towers.
Helen and Ronna walk back into the main room of the suite to watch the other coverage. The anchorman reveals that a spokesman for the Hoynes campaign has announced that the campaign is being suspended temporarily. Josh mutters to Santos, "We just went from third to second." Commercials.
Josh, Bram, Ronna, and a couple of unnamed staffers stride furiously down the hall of their hotel. A fucking subtitle tells us that we're in L.A. and that it's 7:38 PM. By the way, I just noticed that Ronna is wearing what looks like a dark purple velvet vest over a pink blouse. And the blouse is about eight inches longer than the vest, so it sticks out a lot at the bottom. She kind of looks like she should be going to a Melissa Etheridge concert, not working on a campaign. Josh is giving Bram lines to feed to the campaign's spokespeople, basically instructing them to claim that the race is now neck-and-neck between Santos and Punk-Ass. They turn a corner and are confronted by a mob of reporters. Someone has been reading the recap, because this time nobody shouts out "there they are." Josh and Co. don't stay to face the reporters but just turn around and walk back where they were coming from. I would assume that they were actually trying to get somewhere, but perhaps after all his years in the White House, Josh can only strategize while marching down a hallway. Josh asks Ronna whether anyone has spoken to the Governor, and she tells him that the Governor's political director announced that he would not discuss a new endorsement. The team arrives at a conveniently placed elevator, and Josh pushes the button urgently while telling Ronna to try again. The elevator's automatic dramatic tension meter is functioning perfectly, as the door opens just as the press mob is arriving.
In the elevator, Josh asks Bram what Santos's schedule looks like. Bram points out that they've received a bunch of press requests asking for interviews about "Hoynes's overcharged libido. [Bram] assume[s] we want to ride the story." I'm sorry, I need a moment alone to get the words "Bram" and "ride" out of my head. Talk amongst yourselves. Okay, I'm back. Josh tells Bram that they're "not riding it, [they're] not spinning it." Once again, I need a short break... I think we can continue on without interruption from here. Josh tells Bram to fit in as many interview requests as possible, but to make it clear that Santos will only talk about health care and education.
We get a very expensive shot panning across the top of Air Force Two as it hurtles through the air. Donna walks through the press area, and the reporters all shout out her name. She tells them, "I had no idea about the Senate staffers." Which makes me think that perhaps others have come forward in the time since the story broke. One reporter points out that Donna has been pushing them on Hoynes's campaign plans for two days, so she must have suspected something. Donna seems to have contracted Will's disease, telling them, "The man locks himself in a hotel room. He could be shaving his legs. How am I supposed to know what he's doing?" A staffer hands her a piece of paper and she leaves the press and moves further up in the plane.
Donna walks through a section of the plane in which Will is seated alone, speaking on the phone, trying to convince the Governor of California to endorse Punk-Ass.
Donna arrives at Punk-Ass's private cabin. He tells her that he's sorry her "name is in these stories. I realize you had no idea what this was about." Punk-Ass's demeanor in this scene makes me wonder if he wasn't somehow behind the Hoynes implosion. Donna tells him that Will is speaking to the Governor, trying to get the endorsement. Punk-Ass tells Donna that he was unwilling to call the Governor himself, because he thinks it's unseemly to profit off of rumor-mongering. But it's okay for his campaign manager to make the call for him. I think I see how this works. Punk-Ass is too moral to beat you up, but he's got these great hired goons who'll do it for him. Donna gives him a look, and he asks her if she thinks the allegations about Hoynes are fair game for the campaign. Donna tells Punk-Ass that Hoynes was the one who raised character in the campaign, so it's only fair to go after him for his own failings. Will enters and tells them that the Governor is not taking any endorsement meetings. Will is concerned that the Governor might actually endorse Santos, and he wants Punk-Ass to call the Governor and at least make sure he gives no endorsement if he won't endorse Punk-Ass. Punk-Ass tells Will to get the Governor on the line.
Santos, Helen, and Josh enter a blindingly white fire stairwell. I think they were able to afford that expensive aircraft shot because they didn't actually build any sets for this episode; they just filmed the whole thing in hallways and stairwells. Josh tells Santos that they've shut down their field offices so that they can air more health care ads, and that they can keep scheduling Santos for interviews, "unless [his] tongue's got repetitive stress injuries." I think that if he's been able to satisfy Helen and Josh during the entire campaign, his tongue must have some pretty good endurance. Santos asks about the Governor, and Josh has to break the news that he won't take any endorsement meetings. This is a blow, because "this guy could have single-handedly delivered labor, half the county organizations..." Wait, I thought it was Victor Campos who could do those things? I guess Victor and Sam must be off vacationing somewhere together, since neither of these two prominent Californians merits a single mention in this episode. (Perhaps they went to Cabo.) Santos thinks that they should approach the Governor not for an endorsement meeting, but to discuss something else. Helen suggests the driver's license bill.
A black limo drives down the street, followed by police cars with sirens blaring. A fucking subtitle tells us that we're still in L.A., and that it's 8:12 PM. We hear the Governor telling Santos, "You understand why this meeting can't be public?" Okay, so within the last thirty-four minutes, Josh had his conversation with Ronna and Bram, had a separate chat with Helen and Santos, and then was able to get Santos and the Governor into a car together? It's a good thing the Governor just happened to be in L.A. that evening, isn't it?
In the back seat of the limo, Santos and the Governor are alone. They're sitting in the shadows, with just passing lights illuminating them. This scene is brought to you by Elia Kazan. The Governor tells Santos that he's sick of seeing him on TV "spouting the same three lines about health care." He thinks Santos should "mix it up a bit." Santos is so relentlessly on message that he takes the opportunity to remind the Governor that six and a half million Californians don't have health insurance. The Governor tells Santos that Hoynes had looked him in the eye and promised him that the stories about his infidelity had all been overblown by the press. It turns out that it wasn't the press doing the overblowing. Now the Governor thinks he looks like an idiot. The Governor reminds Santos that they're there to discuss the driver's license bill. Santos points out that Hoynes had promised La Palabra that he would denounce the bill, but it turns out that he actually made that promise to the Governor, who wants to veto the bill but needs support to do it. Santos offers to stand with the Governor when he announces the veto of the bill. The Governor breaks the news that he already promised Punk-Ass that he wouldn't endorse anybody. And he tells Santos, "You wouldn't say one word against that bill until you needed my support." Santos tells him that he still won't speak against the bill -- he'll just stand behind the Governor silently while he announces the veto. And the Governor won't have to give him an endorsement -- he just wants to be able to make that appearance. The Governor thinks that Santos actually supports the bill, but Santos disabuses him of that notion: "I think the bill is an abomination. We need to toughen our immigration laws, make our borders fifty times more secure. But if we're not really willing to do that, it's wrong to punish the people that we bring here to pick our avocadoes." The Governor asks Santos why he won't just say that, but Santos tells him, "People don't need to hear that from someone who looks like me. They need to hear it from someone who looks like you." Also, he coulda been a contendah. He coulda had been somebody.
The Governor enters a crowded briefing room, with Santos right behind him. The Governor announces his veto of the bill, and the announcement is clearly influenced by the language Santos used in their conversation. Santos just stands behind him, looming over his right shoulder. As he finishes the announcement, the Governor tells the reporters, "I'd show you all the veto pen, but I've already given it to Congressman Matt Santos." As the Governor is walking out of the room, the reporters call out more questions, and he tells them that they should really be writing about the six and a half million Californians without health insurance. He tells them that they might want to speak to Santos if they have questions about that. I see now that Eddie Garcia is standing with the Governor. The Governor leaves the room, and Santos stays behind to take some questions.
Santos and Helen are sitting on a broadcast set, conducting more satellite interviews. He tells his interviewer that he agrees with the Governor "100%." And that wraps up the last of one hundred interviews for the day. As they walk off the set, Josh tells them that the polls are closing in California, and that Punk-Ass has already won New York, Connecticut, Rhode Island, and Vermont. There are still no results from California. (Which should be pretty obvious, seeing as how the polls are just closing.) Helen gives Matt a kiss on the cheek and walks away, leaving Josh and Santos alone. Josh pulls some papers out of his suit jacket and hands them to Santos. Santos asks what it is, and Josh tells him, "It's a campaign plan for Texas. Sell my own house if I have to." Santos points out that Josh would go to jail for that, but responds by observing that he'll need a place to live anyway.
Back in the suite, everyone is gathered around watching news coverage. There are still no results being announced. Ronna walks up to Josh and hands him a small piece of paper, telling him that they have exit poll results. Josh looks at the paper. Both he and Ronna look pretty grim.
Josh walks into the room, where Helen and Santos are watching coverage on a different station. He whispers that he needs the two of them, and they follow him into the hallway. The music is building in tension, and we hear newscasters in the background talking about how close they are to announcing some results.
Out in the hallway, Helen and Santos both look at Josh with concern and ask him what's going on. He looks extremely grim as he tells them, "We won California." At just that moment, a cheer goes up in the suite, and Bram and Ronna rush out to share in the happiness with the candidate. Come to me, Bram -- I'll share some happiness with you. Bram is all business, however, handing Santos another index card for another supporter he's about to meet. And then the reporters appear, shouting out questions to Santos. As the mob moves down the hall, the camera cuts back to Josh, still standing outside the suite. Fade to black.