By Jacob
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.Doug, using some surprising critical thinking skills, manages to get Ignacio and Cesar all the way to Seattle, where they shoot a hobo, and then a feral cat drinks his blood, and it's totally hilarious. Uncle Randy makes sous chef, upon finally impressing Chef Stormare with a duck confit amuse-bouche.
Younger Newman Shawn, stretching beautifully into his role as Avi's parent -- and telling Nancy she's fired from the job, and a bad drug dealer to boot -- joins a mommy group full of HITG MILFs, and while it's thin given everything else in the episode, what we get is very awesome. He spins them a wild tale of teen pregnancy and babymommas getting blown up in The Iraq and such, but the head mommy has government contacts and soon learns this is a lie, and threatens to call CPS on them both.
Elder Newman brother Mike is still shivering from his gay-adjacent activities, so he heads to a college campus for some poon. He ends up making friends with several douchebags of both genders, including Adam from Joan Of Arcadia and a vajazzled girl, and falling in love with the idea of college. Good old Mike. (Hopefully, no crummy little jerks will get you pregnant on purpose, to dissuade you from this dream!)
And Nathalie? Still trying to crack the mystery that is woman, after a run-in with our beloved Miss Jeanette leaves her stranded with no hash and a seriously bitchy young shit of a concierge to deal with. She talks Randy into getting her the hotel kitchen's used oil for the lesbians' biodiesel car so they will give her their "shake" so she can turn it into hash so she can deal through the concierge, but then she and Randy get surprised by cops outside the dealers' house! Consider yourself cliffhung.
So yeah, it was good but moved way fast. Basically -- aside from the Shawn parts, which may be leading somewhere amazing -- it's like that one M*A*S*H episode, only way less happens and there's a bunch more naked Silas. Advantage: Weeds.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!They're holding Doug's face in a fishtank -- Whence? I guess Judah-Andy's spending spree -- but he won't tell them where the Botwins went, because he doesn't know where the Botwins went, because he doesn't know anything. However, his dialogue is about ten times cleverer than usual, so he gives the illusion of knowingness. "I was having a really good day. I won ten bucks on a scratcher. Oh, a day can turn so fast..."
Cesar and Ignacio are of the opinion that Doug is "their close friend," as though they have those or have ever had those, and he reminds them how the Botwins are selfish assholes, so they offer to cut off a testicle. Correctly, Ignacio is worried about the concept of touching Doug's balls, and frankly thinks it's weird that Cesar doesn't share this concern.
Doug points out that he came to the ransacked and abandoned Ren-Mar house with a bucket of chicken and "that Crispin Glover movie with the retarded people," which is really sort of awesome, or at least too awesome for Doug, and he whines for awhile, and they finally just decide to kill him: "We believe you. Congratulations." Doug whines for a moment -- "Winning is supposed to feel good!" -- and then pulls out his phone, spooking the assassins.
Doug has Andy's number listed as "Andy Buttwank" -- which Ignacio thinks is really clever -- and so then he calls whatever Seattle hobo happened to find Uncle Randy's phone when Andy died. (Although that's confusing, because didn't they toss their phones at the border? Whatever.) So Doug pretends that he's chatting with Andy, but really it's this ass-crazy bearded fellow who says funny things in response to the bizarre things Doug's pretending to say.
"I'm sitting in a world of shit, brother... Caught a cat yesterday..." Doug's like, "Sounds awesome!" Doug learns that Andy's phone is in an alley in Seattle, decides that's probably close enough that he might still manage to get their entire family murdered, and then tosses the phone in the fishtank. "I know where he is, I'm not gonna tell you, and if you torture me again I'm just gonna lie, so you have to keep me alive, so I can lead you to him." Not even Doug can believe he worked that one out so quickly, or that it worked.
Mostly I'm just super glad Doug is back, because he brings the constant and charming and ever-so-grown up ballsack faggot dicksucking buttwank anal beads talk with him wherever he goes, as you'll see. In fact, we're going to drink every time somebody says any of those sweaty tacky words in this episode. You will be quite drunk by the end. This is because of Doug.