By Jacob
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.It was Pilar who sent the gunman that nailed Shane. Nancy goes gangster on Pilar's buddy Cesar, shooting him in the arm as recompense and learning that Cesar now fully believes that Esteban's happiness is contingent on Nancy and Stevie's survival. Esteban's name has been taken off the gubernatorial ballot, which puts them out of danger, but of course Nancy convinces him to run as an independent so they will all be in danger some more.
She tries to ship Silas off to Europe to get him out of harm's way, but he points out that somebody needs to be there to take care of Shane, who's becoming some kind of drunk self-cutter and heading into serious Daredevil Boy territory. What were once red flags have now become entire brass bands walking down Main Street, to the point that Nancy's serious denial about her fourteen-year-old carbon copy of a son has become both hilarious and terrifying.
Celia revisits her old dealer Ignacio to set up a new connection for her makeup/drug dealing, and freezes Dean out of the operation once he's served his purpose. Meanwhile, Doug is down five grand, not selling any You're Pretty, and getting into fights with Girl Scouts until he realizes the secret of Celia's success. He agrees to a team-up with Dean to take her down -- right after he dips his nuts in a cup of hot coffee. Once again, the boba purveyors door are subjected to the strange sounds of genital torture. Maybe they're just wondering what an episode of this show would be like where somebody's dick wasn't shoved somewhere terrible/terrible things weren't being shoved in people's dicks.
After a very touching goodbye to Andy, who signs Stevie over to Esteban once and for all in order to start his new life as somebody who deserves Dr. Alanis, Nancy and Esteban finally get married. Cesar and adorable Ignacio are both in attendance; Shane is drunk more, and Nancy is wearing the most fucked-up piece of clothing ever created, not unlike something Big Bird would wear to a Gay Pride parade. Then Nancy takes a piece of cake to the crazy hotness of Guillermo... Along with a request to have Pilar totally fucking murdered, probably for making that ugly outfit.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!We start immediately with Cesar treating Shane in the back of Esteban's car while the driver takes them away from the scene. Nancy's pretty much completely useless, which is paradoxically really comforting to see after so much flaking out, even though what she's doing is flaking out, but it's like authentic flaking out as opposed to going crazy. Interestingly, the credits are displayed on a lucha mask, with a second mask beneath it. Keep digging. Shane's as dissociated as his mom has been this year -- "Look at all my blood, mom!" -- and the fact that, as he reports, he can't even feel it just means she finally can. Cesar deals with everything efficiently, and Esteban's freaking out -- "shoot at my family, you shoot at me," et cetera -- but we, and I think Nancy maybe, already knows the truth.
Shane compares it to a slap: "He slapped me, with a bullet. Mom, isn't that weird?" She agrees: it's weird, and fucked up, and scary. She starts screaming, screaming like she hasn't screamed since we met her, for the hospital, and Cesar reminds her that gunshots are automatically reported to the police. She doesn't care, she screams, distracting even Esteban from his usual cool. Cesar asks for the towncar's vodka bottle and she asks him if he's a doctor. "A nurse. In the Army." Like Hot Lips Houlihan, she grins, and Shane giggles ("Caliente Lips") before Cesar pours it on. "AHH! Fuck you! Fuck your mom! In the ass! With a screwdriver!" Even Esteban's impressed as Shane follows this by taking the bottle from Cesar's hand, and downing a healthy slug. Nancy follows soon after. I hope she pumped.
Actually, no I don't. I don't anything having to do with Nancy's lactation. I don't ever want to think about breastfeeding again, either in the general or the practical. I have had enough and refuse to associate further with Nancy's breasts in any capacity. Yes, it'll mean I don't get to watch those amazing/creepy bedtime story videos she did for Esquire, but that is a small price to pay. Not to mention disturbing in their own right.
Doug's selling You're Pretty outside the ridiculously named Girth Gym, or at least attempting to. He's got signs and banners and a long table, and he's squinting, which is basically a recipe for success right there. "I found a high-volume area, followed the script... What am I doing wrong?" Because what woman wouldn't want to talk to Doug Wilson, the skeeviest motherfucker in the universe, outside something called the "Girth Gym," about her skin imperfections? He practically has NO FAT CHICKS tattooed on his face as it is, just by the Retarded White Male look on his face. Not that the awesome girls at the table selling Girl Scout cookies have any better reason for having chosen this venue, although come to think of it, a little self-hatred and reward/punish probably is good for business.