Good morning, Nancy! Good morning, Naked Andy Botwin's Ass! A little early for that, I think, as he blows right past Nancy and into the bathroom. As much as yelling at her brother-in-law lights up Nancy's life, though, she's distracted by something gross. That something is Doug, who is lying on a couch in his boxers peacefully farting. It's like a symphony. "You need to move out of my house," she says, and without opening his eyes Doug notes that she sounds kind of mad. "What time is it?" "Time for you to get the fuckoutofmyhouse!" she screams, and he offers to fuck the mad right out of her. He also calls his penis "Jeremy Piven." That's so crazy because I call mine "John Cusack" and it's jealous of Doug's penis's fame. Nancy thinks about how she lives in a frat house. And yeah, Doug's recent homoerotic obsession with gay sex would seem to suggest she's correct.
And there's half-naked Silas oiling himself at the kitchen table, bitching about Shane masturbating in their bunkbed. I rest my case. Nancy wonders aloud about the estate sale, and why people buy old dishes. Andy notes that people collect everything, from old dishes to classic GYN instruments. He's drinking a mug of scrambled eggs at this time; Nancy is switching back and forth between her coffee and a Diet Coke. Which is exactly what I'm doing right now, so I'm not sure I get why that's funny. Shane asks why Nancy's googling the Mayor of Tijuana. Whether you live in a frat house or not, and it's very important to me that you think about this: do not look at the search history on a computer. Ever. I'm so serious about this that I don't even look at the search history of my computer. I just don't want to know.
Nancy's like, "What?" and explains that it's important to know our neighbors to the south, then asks for Davenport, because obviously since he's Mexican he knows how to drywall, and she wants another bathroom. Silas is relieved because of the constant masturbation, and Shane predictably freaks out and starts wildly claiming to be scratching fleabites all night. Andy tells him shame has no place in their frat house of doom, and hilarious masturbation is a family trait. True enough. Nancy tells them all to shut it and stop embarrassing Shane, whom she addresses: "And, Freshman? Find another place to scratch your fleas." She's a good mom, I think, much of the time. It's just overshadowed by the horrific choices she's constantly making.
Andy sings another round of "Little Boxes" in complaint about the discreet charm of the bourgeoisie when Doug says they should just tear the whole place down, and Nancy complains that it's not bourgeois to want her own fucking bathroom. Doug tells her to calm down and stop shouting, because at least they got Celia out, but Nancy's more concerned about boys, Doug in particular and boys in general, because boys are disgusting and she doesn't want to share a bathroom with them anymore. It's so rare that she shows any kind of desperation at all that everybody is chastened. Shane offers to do the work for free, and says he doesn't ask questions. "You're hired!" she shouts, and Andy asks if she has the cash for it. Nancy gets a bad idea.
Later, Nancy is holding Sanjay's Giant Baby, who is the size of a Humvee despite being two weeks old. "Gigantism runs in Clinique's family," Sanjay says, which Nancy finds unsurprising. Clinique admits that it wasn't a c-section -- "Shot out like a Pez," is actually what she says -- and Nancy is disturbed. It's disturbing. Clinique is proud of her great pelvis; Nancy is duly impressed. Sanjay tells her he can unload a hundred pounds in a week up in Agrestic. "People are sad, things are burned. They need their weed." They stare at the giant baby and Sanjay thinks longingly of his little gay Miata. "Fuck your Miata with a strap-on, little bitch," says Clinique. "We're getting an Escalade." This is why I don't marry my prostitute babymamas, this kind of thing right here.
Lupita! I was just thinking about you! She's working in Beverly Hills now: "I have health insurance now and a guest house, but the man Mr. Caplan... He don't wipe so good." Lots of shit talk follows, and Nancy offers her a job selling weed to Kaplan's agent friends. She asks if we can raise the bar to cocaine: "You should really think about the cocaine, Nancy. And the ecstasy." Nancy's not interested, but Lupita says she'll just get it from Geffen's maid. Heh.
up is Marvin, who waits and waits for Nancy to notice that he's lost ten pounds. She's very excited and ridiculous once he tells her. "Finally back to my high school weight," he says, and she patronizes him for a while. "New town, new pussy," he says, and she asks if that comes out to a new customer base. Marvin says he's out of the game, because Guillermo made him cry. "Oakland's a long way from Los Angeles, Marvin."
They agree that Nancy suddenly getting into the weed business in the hills, the valley and the bay is "sweet." What I think it is, is terribly dangerous. She's going to end up shooting someone this season, I just know it. And working behind Guillermo and/or Esteban's back? Oh, girl. On the other hand, seems like Conrad and Heylia and Vaneeta have at least a shot of getting involved at that point.
Celia and Isabelle are walking down the street in Tijuana, and Celia manhandles her daughter's fannypack back inside her hoodie. "They have quick hands," she says, not-so-quietly. Isabelle bitches that Celia should just buy her drugs in the US like a normal person, but Celia is nothing like a normal person. "I have no health insurance, no money, and an arrest record," she says, lighting up Isabelle's face like Christmas.
Inside the pharmacia, the guy's like, "Xanax? Valium? Ativan?" No, Restylane. Ha! "Dos cc's." Isabelle asks what they'll do when Dean's FEMA vouchers run out, and Celia says they'll live on Celia's maternity store earnings. The guy brings back the Restylane and asks again if she wants Xanax. Just take the Xanax. Like any good pharmacy worker, he offers generic, and she stares at him: "Mexican generic hyaluronic acid. Do I wanna look like the Joker? Noooo."
He rings it up and Isabelle asks if the maternity store is a drug front. Celia sends her to get a fucking taco from the cart outside. "You wanted this, you got it. Welcome to my life: broke, homeless, not a man in sight -- although that's not your issue -- no prospects, no direction, no hope for relief from the crushing defeat and futility and just... pure bad luck, that is my fate. Walk with me here, okay? Arm in arm, mother and child. Doomed." And this time when he offers Xanax they both accept.
Nancy asks Guillermo for three hundred pounds of weed, and he reminds her that she's a face and a front now. She wants to split her customer base with him, and he offers ten percent for a finder's fee. She disagrees, and he tells her she's not an entrepreneur anymore: she's the mom-and-pop, he's Wal-Mart. He agrees to sell her the three hundred for twenty-five bucks a gram, and she tells him to fuck off. She comes up with an even worse idea. It's so bad I don't even know what it is.
Doug takes Andy to where you get illegal Mexicans, which is Home Depot. I cannot figure out if this storyline is okay. The car gets mobbed and Doug compares them to Jews with wedding hors d'oeuvres. They take a minute to acknowledge and process this minorly offensive comparison before getting back to the business of making money off immigrants. "I forgot you were a Jew. I should never have said that in front of you." Andy tells a guy they're researching for their coyote business and asks about his experience with immigration. So then they all go screaming every which way.
Silas shows up at Cheese Gotta Have It, all sweaty with his hoodie zipped down to his abs. He and Lisa talk about how he doesn't have a car, and she says that having a car is "awesome," and he responds to this snarkiness by closing the shades and having crazy sex with her. She offers to go in the back where there's a sink to hold onto, and he's just like, "Hold onto me." So she does. Good girl.
Nancy goes to see Cesar at the garage -- pointing out that she at least drove a car this time, instead of using the tunnel -- and asks for a favor. "GPS?" I wouldn't think you'd want that, in her line of work. No, the thing she wants is much, much stupider than GPS. "Esteban. I need to hablo with Esteban." Cesar nods to the guys, who shut the door, and he close-talks: "Nobody here knows an Esteban." She jokes that it's a common Mexican name, and flirts: "Does he have a codename? Senor Grañde? ...Please back the fuck off." Awesome.
Cesar sits back, and Nancy says she wants to have a business talk with him. Cesar points out that she has no business with him, and Nancy gives a little speech about how she knows he's the Mayor, and all that, but if they don't bring him to her, she'll find him herself. As in, go to City Hall and blow his spot. Fuckin' Nancy, what are you doing? "Smile, you get to drive a hybrid!" she says, and Cesar gets in the car.
Having found another, hotter group of dudes, Andy and Doug feed them and talk about the coyote business. One guy points out that while a "kinder, gentler coyote" is a great concept, there's nothing saying they're not organ thieves or otherwise exploitative. Proof of this is the guy at the table with one kidney. "You speak amazing English," Andy says, and the guy says he was a deputy transportation administrator in Colombia. The larger implications of this escape the boys, and Doug asks the going rate "per smuggle." For just the border-crossing alone, it's $3000. Doug is excited. Andy asks him for tips: wait until the border patrol is changing shifts, or else find a hole in the fence. "If they don't get you in the first two minutes," you're golden. Although the problem isn't the agents and whatever so much as it is the spooky, creepy Minutemen. Ugh.
Shane comes in with Isabelle and immediately starts threatening to ruin Andy for trying to steal the remodeling contract by bringing in random dudes. It's kind of cute and kind of scary, which is the recipe for Shane. Andy laughs and tries not to tell him about the coyote thing, and gets the guys to help with the remodel.
In the TJ, Cesar translates Esteban's speech at the dedication of a mobile medical unit: people getting shot in Tijuana more lately, it's important. Nancy tries to take this seriously, but as an entitled white chick, it's difficult, and I respect that. Cesar lets her in on the fact that Esteban's secretly the private donor who made it possible, and he sits down to be the first blood donor, too. There is flirting.
Celia sits with an Agent Schlatter popping Restylane while he taunts her, titillated by her fear. Till comes in and offers her a drink of water, then tells her she's off the hook. "Captain Till... Roy... Now that this is all over..." He says he's seeing someone. How embarrassing! She finally remembered she's worthless without a man and decided to settle for Till, and he wasn't even interested: just being creepy sexual harassment guy for the heck of it. She takes off awkwardly, and Till shoots Schlatter a look that says, "We are totally gay for each other."
Nancy sucks down the end of her soda in the back of a limo, and when Esteban comes in she shares all her research with him. "Esteban Carlos Reyes. You come from money in Mexico City, attended Columbia University -- Go Lions -- in 1990 you bought the largest zoo in Mexico. Tragic story with the mauled panda, very upsetting. You moved to Tijuana in 1995 to build and manage a casino. You now own three malls and five hotels, all very highly rated on hotels.com, you'll be glad to know. In 2004 you were elected mayor and then you set up the Esteban Reyes Foundation which offers scholarships to underprivileged children and you once dated Liz Hurley." She smiles hugely. My dad has a saying in these times: "Fuck me? Fuck you."
He's amused and says he didn't really date Liz, they were just friends; Nancy wonders what didn't make it onto the "interweb" and they discuss their blood donations. He says she can't call him "Carlos," and she asks for a piece of the action. "There's a chain of command," he says, and she explains that she had to ignore that and fuck everything up because Guillermo is pissed at her. But, Esteban explains, he's right to be pissed at her for making trouble in the tunnel in the first place, and she still deserves to be punished. Ugh. She agrees, but not by Guillermo, and also can she have a bunch of weed? He responds by putting her over his knee and spanking her like crazy. She is ambiguous about this, because it's Nancy, and when he sits her back right-side-up, her hair is again like a lunatic's. "Thank you for your time, Mr. Mayor," she says, as the guys whip her out of the car.
I feel like we've already done the "punishment" thing, with Modine. I don't even understand what, at this point, Nancy feels the need to be punished for. All she's done so far is kill an old lady. Well, and pistol-whip a bitch. Okay, now that I'm thinking about it, she's kind of being a total shit here so maybe she needs a spanking. Because she was free and clear. "My cover business becomes my real business" was always the goal, and Guillermo basically handed that to her, and she fucked him over like five times and for what? Because she wanted an extra bathroom. She's putting her entire family -- all of whom are now fucking her by proxy, which is troubling in and of itself -- in extra super jeopardy, again, because... Doug has gas. It's the middle of the season, which means all of this is about to bite her in the face, but it's still sad.
The former deputy transportation administrator explains the basics of remodeling to Shane as Isabelle finds and stares wildly at the naked pictures of Nancy that just fell out from behind a bookshelf. Nancy comes home -- forcing Shane to scramble and hide the photos -- and Isabelle gets major horny on her, which is amazing. Shane nervously explains about the remodeling and Nancy sadly must admit that she's not coming up with the cash for sure, as she sits down on her sore ass.
"Honey, why are you hiding Sammy Davis, Jr.'s autobiography behind your back?" Shane is flummoxed. "He had a baby with a white woman, mom?" Isabelle and Nancy are confused, but Isabelle is hilarious: "I found it shocking. He was protecting me." Normally that would be another red flag that they're hiding something, but God knows what Celia did to her, so Nancy drops it. That is the funniest thing in this episode.
Doug meets with the scary stupid Minutemen and says that it's his dream to protect our nation's borders. The guy asks, "You looking to stimulate the adrenals, or do you just not like the Hispanics?" Doug says that really he just likes his fellow countrymen more, which pleases the freak, who frowns officially on bigotry. He admits they're "vastly undermanned" and that while they can't arm themselves except for the purposes of self-defense. No contact, no engagement are the rules. "Can I throw rocks?" No sir. "We observe, we report." Doug's like, "Gotcha." I don't know if I get it. "It all starts to happen when the sun goes down. Some crazy shit out there: crazy shit."
Crazy shit, as the sun goes down: Sweaty naked porno Silas going the hell down on Lisa in her cheese shoppe; Doug showing the militia guy his cell phone picture of Maria and seeing his bodybuilder freaky lady friend in response; Captain Till making sweet love to Schlatter; Nancy checking out her Esteban spanking marks to her U-Turn tattoo and smiling crazily; Shane masturbating to pictures of his mother. That's a LOT of crazy shit. I didn't believe militia guy, but it turns out he was right.
Guillermo is sad again when he comes to see Nancy. Dudes bring giant duffle bags of pot in, and he won't look at her. "I came to you first. You said no. It's just business, Guillermo." He looks like he's going to cry; he's the third person to get spanked in this episode. He shuts the door on her, and she smiles quietly, thanking Esteban under her breath even as she knows that Guillermo has only just begun to freak out.
"This is the guy who set the entire Valley on fire for me," I assume she's thinking. That's what I'd be thinking. And then probably I would go get therapy for getting off on being spanked by the mayor of Tijuana while my son jacks off to my picture. But if we made a list of all the things that Nancy and I would do differently, we would have quite a long list at the end. I just wish the show would get funny again. It's not even that it's so super sad, because I love it when it's sad, but this isn't sad: it's just gross. I wish Heylia would come and slap her silly.
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