Last week Doug and Celia, as well as Andy's new extranational friends Marzipan and Davenport, became permanent fixtures; Nancy kicked Till loose and became manager of the San Ysidro Maternity World, then discovered a mysterious hole in its basement. Of course, it takes just a few minutes for Nancy to make the choice, even after being told to stay out of there, to do the dumbest thing possible. Oh, Nancy. She walks the entire tunnel, all the way to Mexico, staring around at all the Goonies-style art design, and ends up in a scary bathroom. It looks like Saw. Only Nancy Botwin could stumble onto Saw in the basement of a strip mall baby store.
There are drugs, and outside the bathroom there's a meeting going on with a bunch of well-dressed Mexicans speaking Spanish. In the middle of them is a hottie in a suit, clearly the authority figure, and he immediately has some of his men roughly escort her back to the basement. She's scared for awhile, but that doesn't stop her from babbling about how she'd identified the place she came out of as that garage on the other side of the border Guillermo kept sending her, and also that she's identified the guy as a player. Her escort tells her to reimagine the events of the evening, and she heads back upstairs, rattled at the least.
Shane's pricing everything in Bubbie's house for the estate sale, but Andy, Doug and Celia keep earmarking shit for themselves. Doug licks a tobacco pipe, which is disgusting, and Shane admits that he's keeping one particular cigar box for himself, possibly for his ashes -- which Andy points out won't exist, because they're Jewish and don't get cremated. Shane points out that he's not technically Jewish, which causes Andy to give a shout-out to Reform Judaism, "all the cool Jews." Represent, Jenji! Doug reiterates his feeling that Shane is dark and creepy, which he is, but not so dark and creepy as Bubbie was. Inside the box are several dog collars and tags, which Shane prices: "Scraps, Rufus, Lucy? Vintage murdered dog collars, five bucks each." Andy is disturbed.
Coming into work for the morning, Nancy inquires after Celia's love life, specifically the Rocky Mountain Chocolate guy, Phong, and Celia fires off a serious round of anti-Asian hatespeech ("Rice dick, all that soy, pai gao... not for me.") before admitting that she's still working him for free fudge. In a rare bout of giving a fuck, Celia asks after Nancy's own night. "I saw no one attractive in ... a place I wasn't." He's cute, but not that cute. Suit Man is no Conrad or Guillermo; he's like just above Modine. I'm assuming his personality and affect on Nancy's troubled mind will be closer to U-Turn's. Celia assumes Nancy -- who doesn't have coffee actually pouring down her throat at this second -- is thus suffering delusions from caffeine withdrawal.
Nancy agrees about needing coffee, but gets a fresh and exciting wakeup surprise in the form of a man guarding the hole. He's reading a book with a giant gun in his lap. Also a Danish. "Oh, a Mexican man with a machine gun. That looks like..." Celia stares at the hole. "... A nice pastry..." Nancy asks how long he's going to be there, and he says he's installed now todo tiempo. She introduces herself to the guy, Ignacio, and offers to get him some coffee. Nancy's deadpan sanguinity has always been her funniest and most endearing quality -- last week was probably my favorite episode ever, because she was so hilariously dead inside the entire time -- but she's really setting the mark high this season. He's already got coffee, anyway.
Nancy pushes the predictably freaking Celia back out into the hole. "What's in the hole?" Mexico. Mexico is in the hole. Celia starts to wig out, but Nancy knows well enough that the main thing is keeping Celia away from the hole. "You must never go there. ...Through the hole. You can drive to Mexico whenever you want, just be aware there's a very long wait to get back." She repeats it over and over until Celia becomes one with the concept of staying the fuck out of the hole. Now, a normal person probably you would not have to tell them this, but neither Celia nor Nancy are capable of seeing a giant hole guarded by a man with a machine gun and not falling into it, having sex with the man with the machine gun, or starting some other kind of random shit. The worst part about no Conrad, besides the resulting lack of Conrad, is they're flying without a net twice as bad. When they do whatever dumbass thing they do with the hole, Conrad won't come fix it. So it's good that they are staying away from the hole. Nancy reiterates that she saw nothing and went nowhere last night, but that the attractive man was not Ignacio, but a hotter dude. Get to work, ladies.
The eponymous poster for the yard sale says: "EXCELLENT TREASURES":
Time To Buy
Right Now
Exclusive
Antiques
Sale
Unique
Real Collectibles
Everything Goes
Starting Over
I have a feeling that was, like everything else, Shane's work. Especially the last line. After putting up one poster, Doug and Andy commence hanging out at the beach making crude just-past-hip horndog smalltalk ("Lookit, Yoga Ass. Look at the ass like an apricot that she got in yoga.") They agree that Madonna arms are never sexy on a white woman, and then talk about how lonely and horny they are, and how Doug needs a life and a home, which of course immediately leads Andy to suggest that they become coyotes. Which has been telegraphed the last three weeks running so intensely that I'm surprised Doug didn't just cut to the chase.
Specifically the Jet Blue of coyotes: "Sun Chips and bottled water, competitive pricing," and also without the rape and extortion. Doug agrees that this would be a good slogan, but gets distracted by an Asian girl with fake boobs. Andy brings it back to the coyote thing, which Doug is unsure about due to not really liking Mexicans. Love that Doug.
Nancy lays some manufactured enthusiasm on a customer, and gives her a practice belly. On finding out that, despite the hugeness, it's only a six-monther, the girl blanches. Nancy takes some retail resentment out on her with a grin: "Wait'll you see the six month ass!" She then heads, for no reason, back to the stockroom and the giant hole. Inside is Guillermo, who is looking more pained and upset than we've ever seen him. There's a black, black thundercloud over his head.
"Don't 'hi' me," Guillermo says, complaining that her trip through Wonderland is causing him massive trouble. Danger-trouble, not hassle-trouble, is the implication. She points out that the tunnel to Mexico wasn't part of her tour when she took over the store, and he tells her to shut up and be the face. Trying to make smalltalk, she asks about the man in the suit. Guillermo doesn't want to talk about it, but mentions that if something horrible happens to him, even worse will happen to Nancy. There is no smile in his eyes when he says this, and when Nancy goes back out into the store, he just stares into space. I love U-Turn most of all and I always will, but I have to say that Guillermo puts a smile on my face.
ISABELLE! Last seen selling her chola mommy down the river for the pleasure of revenge, is now standing in the middle of Maternity World, fighting with Celia. Apparently she wants to come live down by the sea, which is excellent news. Celia, of course, finds the whole thing to be an inconvenience as usual, "the whole thing" being motherhood. To prove the gravity of her situation, Isabelle explains dead-eyed that she came south on a Greyhound, where she found herself sitting to a man with one leg.
Nancy and Isabelle quietly say hello, and Isabelle explains that sleeping on a hotel room chair while her father weeps and "overshares" in the room is killing her. Additionally, Dean's going to work as a criminal defense lawyer in Detroit. "Everyone's out of work. No middle class, felonies are at an all-time high. It's his golden opportunity."
Celia blows her off, because of course that sounds like a great environment for her daughter to live in -- and frankly, not too far off from the life they once knew -- but Isabelle is not interested in giving in. They are such a perfect match, I love it. Celia lists Detroit's positive qualities: "It's Motown. It's cold, you can layer. I hear there's a great lake... Canada is... Up there...?" She gives her daughter some cash to take the train, and Isabelle asks her mother politely to, for once in her life, stop being a selfish fucking bitch, bringing six-month-belly girl up short: "Save me."
Celia considers her daughter for a second before hissing: "I have a customer." The blinking, troubled customer buys some pants, which Celia applauds: "Go. Have children. See how they grow up to denigrate the fine city of Detroit, and call you a fucking bitch!" Nancy offers the woman a coupon, and pats her on the arm, because only Nancy knows what it's like to deal with Celia on a good day, much less an Isabelle day.
Later on, Celia's slumping through the house in a fuzzy robe, drinking wine right out of the box, and sits on the porch with Doug. He's wearing a suit while he does his laundry. His romantic line: "You got your tooth fixed. Wanna do it?" Heh. Celia points out how having sex with him was the first step in the complete destruction of her entire life. Doug reminds her that their sex was hilariously good, and she agrees just enough to be honest without doing him any favors. I remember their sex mostly as dangerously athletic.
They discuss their loneliness and the fact that he's already burnt through his quota of American Dream. He says that if he'd spent time with his gay kid, like Celia now has the chance to, things could have been awesome. "Gays are huge chick magnets." Man, when this show finally remembered his kid, it couldn't shake it. I feel like there's still a joke coming having to do with Doug's gay kid because they keep hitting it, but I can't imagine what it would be. There was sort of a sinister setup in the first season about that, so it would be really awesome if Doug suddenly turned hilariously gay or something. Celia tells him the hot young things Josh could pull in are well past Doug at his current age. He agrees, unless he gets rich again. She suggests that he go back to embezzling, and they talk about the therapeutic sea air. Not like a real conversation, but like what people think conversations are like.
Doug offers once more to bone her, and she says she's getting her FEMA vouchers in the morning and will be checking into a suite. "A few weeks, and then a few more to evict me..." Doug, meanwhile, has dropped his pants, junk swinging, to put on warm boxers from the dryer. Not exactly an overture, but Celia seems almost put off when he rebuffs her rebuttal, and heads to bed. He tells her to leave the wine and her WOMAN magazine.
At the estate sale, Shane gets into it with a guy, who tries to negotiate him down on a coffee table. Shane's starting ask is $125, the guy offers $80, Shane repeats $125 intensely, and the guy tries to knock off five, so Shane takes it up to $130: "Keep it up." Shane is so awesome. I love the Taylor Townsend version of him so much more than the Debbie Downer version. Which was, to be fair, also awesome, and his changes in the years since Judah's death make total sense. I always wonder what the boys were like before their dad died; I like to think it's something like they are now.
Doug and Andy spot Yoga Ass going up the stairs, and do some Scooby-Doo shit down the hall behind her, talking about how the best man will win. And then, of course, the best man does: Silas. I can't figure out if he became less of an apparent ass when he got hot, or if he got hot because he became nice. I think about this a lot, actually. Doug and Andy climb all over YA like flies, and then Rad -- the little boy Nancy met and befriended in the first episode -- comes in yelling about something. "Who are you talking to?" hisses Andy, and of course Yoga Ass is Rad's mom. They discuss how the only other thing we know about her is that she owns a cheese store called Cheese Gotta Have It, which made me laugh. She takes off with him, giving Silas the eye, and Andy fingers her hair and then smells the finger with which he hair-fingered.
"Your kid is scary," says the coffee-table man. "My kid is awesome, you're just cheap," Nancy says. Then some guys in Madras turista gear grab Nancy, throw a black pillow case her over head, and stuff her in a towncar trunk. This show is just predictable enough that I was like, "She's going to fuck that guy in the suit, and this is how."
Shane counts up the total from the estate sale on the beach with Doug and Andy, but goes off to the hide the cash when Doug offers to hold it for him. Left to their devices, the boys stare out at the beach, noticing first a beautiful woman whom -- since she's wearing a dress in the ocean -- Doug assumes is a "wild hippie." Then she is joined by a man, also in his clothes... And then there are a dozen people walking out of the ocean. "This is weird..." says Andy, and then two cops on ATVs come flying over the sand like that movie A.I.
Doug and Andy enjoy the show as the cops hunt them down and toss them in the sand facefirst... Until the first lady comes running up, begging for help. Doug falls totally in slow-motion love with her: "You are so beautiful! You are like a mermaid. A Mexican mermaid! Mermex!" Doug amends his Mexican hatred to only include "the fat ones," and the cop arrives, tossing her on the ground. Doug swears that she's his girlfriend, who likes swimming in her clothes, and Andy tells the cop that his job sucks. "They just want to clean our toilets!" The girl is like, "Um, or sewing. Or telecomunications..."
Doug swears romantically that he'll find her, and then she quickly poses for a cell phone picture, hilariously, and takes his sandal. "Maria Mermex!" Doug calls. "Señor Flippy-Flop!" she screams. Was that offensive? How about this: now that Doug is in love, he's ready to join Andy and become a coyote. Sigh. For all the shit that gets piled on Nancy's head every time she steps outside the line, I hope they end up brutalized in Tijuana. You know it would be funny. I want to see them all made up like cholas.
Silas, in board shorts, drinking a glass of milk. I have nothing to add. Lisa, the Yoga Ass lady, shows up asking for a Wacky Pack poster that Rad liked from the sale. Not that either Rad or Silas has any business even knowing what Wacky Packs are. Silas heads upstairs to get it, and Lisa admits that Rad could give a shit about the poster. Told you! Silas smiles and suggests that they go for a walk on the beach, then sadly puts his shirt on. No shoes, though. I love the beach.
Long-suffering Isabelle hands her father a pill and then answers the door of their suite. "Fine. Pack a bag," says Celia, and Isabelle lights up. Dean and Celia have a fight about how they are both so lonely they're finally ready to hang out with their incredibly cool daughter. They do that thing where you whistle to the dog to see who the dog loves more, and Isabelle says ultimately what she wants is to be a "carefree latchkey kid" on the beach. Me too! Dean whines that he is all alone, and Isabelle points out that she isn't his wife. Nobody can withstand this logic, and he gives in. She hugs Dean goodbye, and tells him not to get shot in Detroit.
They take the hood off Nancy in a well-appointed Mexico penthouse, where the man in the suit tells her the hundred and one things he knows about her: name, Silas and Shane, parking tickets, all of it. Her hair is a total mess, just like her brain. He comes close and she makes a whole new desperately begging face we've not seen before, and then almost completely loses her composure when he tells her she's gotta be punished. I love how MLP is so naturally serene and beautiful they had to majorly fuck her hair up to a clownish degree to even sell how scared she is here. I say, just show her Spiderwick Chronicles. That awful shit could make anybody shiver.
Then of course Suit Man offers to punish her via spanking, which she's kind of into -- shades of that Modine not-actually-too-empowering style of sexuality Nancy seems to enjoy when she's freaking out -- but some dudes come in. Suit and the dudes have a loud conversation, which Nancy doesn't really catch, and then he tells the guys to take her back to the garage. Her relief is pathetic and palpable. "I'll call ahead and tell Ignacio not to shoot you," he says, "For now."
Outside the garage door, safely unbagged and waiting to be let through back to the store, she spots a poster of Suit Man and goes in for a closer look: Esteban Reyes, Mayor. week: Nancy goes on an Esteban hunt for a piece of the action and gets her spanking, Lisa hopefully gets Silas naked, Isabelle and Celia begin the war once again, and Andy and Doug start their condescending white people careers as coyotes.