Bill Sussman

S03E05

Previously, Nancy was still indentured to U-Turn, whose businesses included substances harsher than mere weed, Nancy got a fucking job with Smarmy Matthew Modine, Silas finally got to follow in his mommy's footsteps, and Andy's gung-ho little army buddy was felled by a remote-control airplane.

After a countrified "Little Boxes," we see Andy has escaped the desert and had holed up inside Doug's office. He shows Doug the video of poor Rodriguez's unlikely fate -- Andy thinks it's a Pat Tillman situation -- but he isn't really in a place to process Doug's aggressive ignorance right now. The phone rings and Doug answers it, despite Andy thinking it'll bring about his death. A gruff voice on the other end demands to speak with Andy and tells Doug, "You know who this is!" Al Cowlings? (It's razor-sharp wit like that that made me TWoP's top recapper of 1994.) Doug hangs up and freaks to Andy that the military is so going to kill him. Nice to see that even though Nancy hasn't been dealing lately, they're still able to get good and paranoid.

At the Botwins', Silas is smirking to his mom about how awesome he is at selling drugs, evidenced by his $2,000 haul. Nancy is about 65/35 horrified/impressed and she reminds him that this is only a temporary solution until they get out of debt. To her credit, I doubt she really believes that's true. She then tries compartmentalizing, telling Silas that when he's working, he's just some punk dealing for her and he should work on an alias. Silas is in love with all of this and hops off to contemplate how following a parent's career path is an oft-forgotten virtue that really should be applauded in this day and age. Or to jerk off to how awesome a drug dealer he thinks he is. Probably the latter, the more I ponder it.

Creepy, smarm-faced Sullivan Groff is staring out his office window into the sunshine outside and romanticizing the caliber of people who will make Majestic great. We eventually see he's talking to Doug, who seems to appreciate Sullivan's poetry but would rather cut to the chase and discuss the gold club membership he'd like in exchange for his support on the sewage pipeline. Sullivan smiles and winks because Doug Wilson is, as ever, completely easy.

At the summer school in Majestic where Nancy has sent Shane to keep him out of her hair trouble, the awesome Paul F. Tompkins is preparing the class to learn "critical thinking" skills. He asks a question that Shane answers by reading from the textbook, which gives Tompkins the opportunity to play the "Shall we learn from books or from life?" card, like, thanks Robin Williams. Shane's sold, however, particularly when the alternative to reading from the textbook is a murder mystery game. I like that the normally suspicious Shane is lowering his defenses here, though I totally should have seen where it was going.

By Joe R

U-Turn's. Nancy's there to pay two grand on her $12,500 bill, which U-Turn says is light enough to "get a nigga shot." Nancy says it's a good thing she's white, then, but already the gods of the ironic segue have conspired to have Marvin get dragged through the doorway, having been shot in his ample behind. U-Turn divines that it was Mexicans who were responsible and tells Marvin he can't be bleeding all over his nice upholstery. But Marvin still needs to get to the hospital, and despite Nancy's emphatic "No" to the idea of driving a gunshot victim to the hospital, thing we know they're all three in the car, Nancy biting her nails nervously. They drive past a couple Mexicans who flash gang signs, and in between asking those ironically innocuous, consumer-based questions that make U-Turn such a delight when he's not saying "Bitch I'ma fucking kill you," he divines that these "Tres Seis" gang members are the ones who shot Marvin. He tells Nancy to make a few right hand turns, and after Sullivan calls and gets an earful of "Who the fuck is you?" he tells Nancy to pull up alongside those same Mexicans they passed earlier and he pulls out his gun and starts shooting at them. Nancy doesn't quite catch on to the "drive" part of "drive-by," so of course it takes a "Drive, bitch!" to get her moving. U-Turn laughs maniacally as they speed away, and even bleeding ol' Marvin gets to shoot those cholos the finger.

Back at Sullivan's office, he's trying to flatter Celia into handing over her vote in exactly the same manner he used on Doug. Celia's got more sense than a trained chimp, however, and says she knows Doug got a golf club membership. "I love a woman who does her homework," Sullivan says through a forced smile because he means "I hate a woman who does her homework." Celia says she wants a house. Preferably one without an atrium, one would guess.

By Joe R

Botwins'. Silas comes home with another envelope stuffed with cash and a head even more stuffed with thoughts of his own awesomeness. He's even going by the name "Judah" on the streets, which Nancy either genuinely thinks is sweet or is too tired and/or crazed to object to. Shane shows up and asks them for help with his little murder mystery assignment -- he thought he had a handle in this case of a girl who went missing after prom and whose blood was found in an alley, but the latest clue their class got says the girl showed up to school week. Shane is confused. Silas suggests "WWVMD." The huh? "What would Vic Mackey do!" Shane exclaims. Okay, somebody has a little crush on The Shield, Jenji Kohan. Shane says Vic would plant some evidence and then beat a confession out of someone. But what's Shane going to do? Shane lowers his voice and says, "Drink myself into a stupor and then sleep with my prostitute-slash-informant." Nancy: "No more cable for you." Man, I don't think we've gotten a scene like this with the Botwins since Season 1: absolutely sweet and more than a little fucked up if you think about it for more than five seconds. That's what we watch this show for.

Speaking of fucked up, Andy and Dean (acting as his lawyer) are meeting with the Army general and his lawyer in Doug's office. The general isn't entirely pleased with the situation he's found himself in, as evidenced by the sheer number of times he instructs Andy and/or Dean to "Go suck yourself!" Army Attorney has a document for Andy to sign saying that he didn't see anyone get killed, and probably that he has no memory of a Private Rodriguez at all. General Suck Yourself tells Andy that they were going to send that phone out into the field strapped to a mule, but then they figured why waste a perfectly good mule. Hey! I bet if Nancy ever needed him to be, Andy would make a perfectly good mule himself. Army Attorney points out the Lithuanian window washer outside who is erasing Doug's hard drive with his squeegee (Doug: "Aw!") and the janitor out in the hallway who is also a planted soldier. They've got Andy surrounded and the implication is that no one's getting out of Doug's office if the phone isn't returned and the document sign. To make the point even clearer, General Suck Yourself grabs a healthy handful of Andy's nutsack and squeezes until Andy gets Doug to hand over the phone. After he does, Army Attorney tells Andy he never set foot on an army base and the only Rodriguez he's to know "plays for the Yankees and thinks he's better than Greg Nettles." Uh, not the best summer to get on the bash-A-Rod train, Weeds, considering he's probably hitting another home run as I type this but WHATEVER, HATERS! "Suck yourself!" screams General Suck Yourself. Indeed.

By Joe R

Back at Majestic day school, Paul F. Tompkins asks if anyone's solved the murder, and Shane thinks he has: with the return of the girl the week, there was no murder. "Ah, but there was," says Tompkins, for the supposedly-dead-but-really-not girl...had an abortion! At this, Tompkins produces a photo of an aborted fetus and the rest of the class starts praying feverishly. And at that, we can all check "photo of aborted fetus" off our list of freaky, fucked-up things we've seen on Weeds in two and a half seasons. Poor Shane is dismayed, all his critical thinking having gone to waste.

Nancy drives Shane home and apologizes for the sucky school full of crazies, but that's their only option at the moment. She pulls into her driveway to find Silas and U-Turn commiserating in the garage. Oh, that's no good. U-Turn's here to drop off some product, and the friendlier he tries to be with her boys, the more afraid Nancy becomes. She sends them inside -- where a returned Andy is apparently icing down his balls -- and tells U-Turn he's not welcome in her home. He says he was just dropping off some bricks for Silas to sell, and he also left a package in her garage that he needs her to hold onto for a spell. Nancy notes with some amusement that U-Turn's driving a Prius. He says he got them for all of his crew -- they're real quiet and ideal for sneaking up on motherfuckers. After a "fuck you, bitch" phone call from Clinique, U-Turn drives off, and Nancy investigates the giant trunk he left in her garage. Inside, it's brown and sticky, but it sure ain't icky. "Heroin," Nancy gasps, and as she looks at her hand, all gunked up with smack, it is most definitely shaking now.