The previouslies over-share by reminding us that back in Season 1, Nancy had a run-in with Campus Security at Valley State. Hmm, wonder if that's going to come into play this week? Also of import: Andy could duck the army no more, Heylia and Conrad bought a warehouse, and U-Turn told Nancy to get a fuckin' job. He also told her "Sell that brick of weed, bitch, before I kill your kids!" so maybe we won't start writing valentines to U-Turn just yet.
We pick up where we left off last week, with DEA Agent Fundas asking Nancy about his gone-missing partner Peter Scottson. Last week, I mentioned that Agent Fundas looked like the guy who played Tony's Fed buddy on The Sopranos, but I realize now that he looks familiar because he played the forensic accountant on a handful of Brothers & Sisters episodes. Anyway, Nancy tries to stonewall Fundas by telling him she and Peter broke up and that's that. She then proceeds to lie and act sketchy and lie and close her front door behind her and lie some more about how Peter brought her some oranges just the other day. Fundas is either naturally low-key or totally onto her, and it's a pretty easy bet that Nancy will be freaking out over the answer to that all episode. Fundas somewhat bitterly notes that Peter would often stupidly go undercover on his own, but even in those occasions, he'd call. He gives Nancy a card and tells her to get in touch if she hears anything. As he leaves, he turns back and tells Nancy that Peter really liked her, which may be twisting the knife, depending on how much you think he knows. For her part, Nancy's sure rattled.
Back inside, Shane and Silas ask what did happen to Peter. Nancy repeats that they broke up, and when Silas asks if that's going to be a problem, you know, considering, Nancy zombies that "Mommy just knows" it won't be. Confidence inspiring!
Elsewhere, the Agrestic City Council, with Celia officiously front and center, hears a proposal by a blond and super-smarmy Matthew Modine. Modine is heading things up over in the neighboring community of Majestic, the place that was driving the Agrestic property values down, or so we heard last week. Majestic's got a problem, though: they can't dispose of their sewage. Through a demonstration that manages to be both crass and unctuous, Modine describes the horseshoe-shaped Majestic as a toilet seat and Agrestic -- the community Majestic is encircling -- as the toilet bowl. In short, Modine is proposing that Agrestic allow Majestic to solve its waste disposal problems by running a sewage line through Agrestic, in return for revamping Agrestic's own sewage system at no cost, plus various ancillary perks such as access to Majestic's much ballyhooed non-denominational church. Modine then illuminates the church model in his little scale model of Majestic. Celia, who's been kind of swooning over Modine all this time, nearly slides off her chair at this. Meanwhile, Doug's sitting with the commoners, being as obtrusive as possible (shaving with an electric razor, clipping his toenails, etc.). Modine slowly and insincerely takes the hand of each council member as he sums his offer up as a helping hand from Majestic to Agrestic. As he takes Celia's hand, he rubs it with his thumb. Wow, this guy is laying it on thick. Celia breathlessly thanks him, calling him "Mr. Groff." "Sullivan," Modine corrects. "Dumb name," scoffs Doug.
Botwins'. Shane is helping his mom write her résumé, encouraging her to pad it as necessary, since it's Agrestic and no one will check. Nancy does her usual parenting trick where she tells Shane to be honest but has no plans to follow that up with any action -- we'll be seeing this on a much larger scale in about twenty minutes. She then changes the subject and asks Shane is he's seen any federal agents lurking around outside. Shane says he hasn't and goes back to padding the résumé. He tells Nancy he's proud of her for getting a real job, and that one hits Nancy right about where you think it does. Of course, if he's planning on passing Nancy off as having a post-graduate degree in English and "proficient" two-finger typing skills, she might not ever get that real job, but the thought is nice.
Andy's at boot camp, climbing the rope wall and annoying the piss out of Private Rodriguez with his liberal views on the war and the U.S. as a fat, wasteful country full of religious hypocrites. Hey! That's your fat, wasteful country full of hypocrites, right or wrong, Botwin! Rodriguez counters that America is the coolest, strongest and best nation there is. The coolest? Not if my recent trip to the New York State Fair is any indication. The two of them end up getting their exhausted asses called down from the ropes at the behest of the commanding officer and our old friend R. Lee Jowly, the drill instructor. They admonish Andy for lipping off, natch, and then tell the both of them to report to the C.O.'s office in nine minutes. Oooh! Maybe one of them got tapped to be the new Attorney General!
After hours at the Agrestic City Council, Doug and a couple other council slackers (who appear to be the only other council members besides Celia) are playing with Modine's scale model, particularly the light-up church. Celia enters and tries to get Doug the interloper to leave, but the rest of the council seem eager to hear his opinion on the Majestic deal. Doug's take is that with a river of crap and noplace to put it, Majestic is kind of at Agrestic's mercy here, and if they play it right, this "shit highway" could be Agrestic's road to riches. Which, admittedly, sounds a lot sexier than Celia's plan to hire an outside accountant to explain things to them. Even with all the shit talk.
At the office of Sullivan Groff (his door identifies him as the president of the Majestic development), Nancy is interviewing for a job as executive assistant. Modine is, of course, going over her fakey fake-fake résumé, which includes a stint as associate editor at the Oxford University Press. Modine, naturally, asks her what it's like in New York and lets her dig her own hole with an answer. Of course, he doesn't so much care that she's lying since she's game for his incredibly creepy sexual innuendos, like smelling her hair and telling her she'd look great rolling out of bed in the morning. He tells her if she gets the job, he'll be paying for the right to say stuff like that, and can I pay a bunch of Armenians to off him right now and save us some time? I'm surprised they didn't just name him And You Thought Peter Was Bad. He says he likes Nancy, as she's an "operator." "You have no idea, dude" flashes across the screen in big red letters. Modine says his job is to create and sell "values-based communities," which essentially boils down to him acting like a folksy, smarmy freak while wearing a crucifix on his lapel. Crucifix, eh? Ain't that a little papist for the suburbs? In the same breath as he tells Nancy she'll have to have "a kind word for everyone," he bitches about his last assistant fucking the construction crew and putting tapes of it on the internet. "I don't do porn anymore," deadpans Nancy, "I found it very tiring." It turns out, Nancy will come in handy for Modine's task at hand: buying bribes gifts for the Agrestic city council. With one eye out the window (she thinks she sees Agent Fundas riding around), Nancy says she can do that. Modine pins a crucifix to her lapel while she's scanning the parking lot, which comes across as yet another instance of Nancy letting a man get inappropriate with her so she can get what she wants. I can't imagine this is going anywhere good, but we'll see.
Silas is doing his community service, picking up trash by the roadside. He tries to make small talk with a Spanish-speaking companion about how much easier this would be if they were high, but he's interrupted by a familiar and squeaky voice and oh my gosh, Pam! You've run afoul of the law! "Did you know that if you drink and take Ambien you can randomly black out and run your car right into a boulder? Totaled the Volvo!" Pam, who is wildly drunk, ends up hitting on Silas, asking him to take his shirt off and telling him she's wet (Pam!), and if this doesn't end up scaring Silas straight, there really is no hope for the kid.
Elsewhere, in a part of town far removed from the events we've seen so far, and I wonder how long before they cross paths again though I dearly hope it's soon, Conrad is taking Heylia on a tour of their grow warehouse. Heylia is clearly impressed, though she tries not to show it too much. But when she tries to take an opportunity to bust on Conrad for letting his dick lead him astray (astray towards dumb ass white ladies, let's just say), Conrad finally tells her that they're kind of partners now, and he's going to need some respect if he's going to grow for her. "Fair enough," sniffs Heylia. And...that's it for Heylia and Conrad this week. That blows.
City Council. Celia is making a presentation with Modine's scale model when Doug blunders into the room. Celia tries to force him out, as it's a closed session, but apparently the other council members have devised a scheme where one (Mitch) will resign his seat, the other three will vote Doug as interim holder of that seat, and Doug will give Mitch's landscaping company domain over all the shit-highway-adjacent landscaping. This all happens in the span of about two minutes, which is awfully efficient for bald-faced corruption. Instead of scowling, Celia really should be taking notes. She pledges checks and balances and oversight for this, Doug's second reign of not-quite-terror, but everyone else just laughs in her face and applauds as Doug busts out the vodka. Make 'em pay, Celia. Make 'em all pay.
Nancy returns home with celebratory ice cream because she just got a job as Modine's executive secretary. Shane smiles as big as a canyon at the news, though the modd is brought down considerably (and a little hilariously) as U-Turn calls and bitches Nancy out for not getting him his money from that brick yet. U-Turn's in the middle of a massage ("Fuck, Yevgeni! Not so hard!") and Page Kennedy is still a total cut-up in the role, which helps lighten up the constant and repetitive barrage of "Bitch, get me my money!"
So now, faced with the task of really having to move this brick, whether or not she has a DEA agent stalking her at the moment, Nancy calls up Rent-A-Cop from Season 1. He's still pants-shittingly afraid of her, as evidenced by the fact that he forgets to bring the money with him to the meet. He tells her to wait while he goes and gets it. While she waits, an increasingly paranoid Nancy looks around the campus and sees everyone as a potential narc. Also, everyone looks to be about thirty-five years old. I mean, continuing education is rad and all, but where are all the kids wearing pajama pants? Nancy gets super freaked when she thinks she sees Fundas's car lurking around, so she takes off.
Meanwhile, Andy and Rodriguez have been sent to the middle of the California desert in full fatigues in order to, says Rodriguez, see if they get spotted by some newfangled tracking drone or whatever. Which gives them both plenty of time to fuck around (not literally), which leads to Rodriguez's bright idea of photographing each other lighting their farts on fire. ...Okay, maybe they will end up literally fucking around. Andy thinks he's working on a real good one, but Rodriguez sees something flying their way, and before you know it, Andy's bare ass ends up splattered with Rodriguez's blood, as the drone plane zooms directly into the middle of his chest. Oh, man, now who's gonna kill the towelheads for cool America? Andy, gobsmacked and afraid, grabs the phone (equipped with a tracking device, dumbass), and takes off running into the desert.
Celia's dining at this very cartoonishly fake "French" chain restaurant (I wouldn't be surprised if the place was called TGI Froggy's) where Modine spots her and gets to work on...what, seducing her? Manipulating her for her council vote? It seems Celia's wary of either approach, though she certainly seems to be smitten with him on some level. He thanks her for recommending Nancy for the job, and she manages to convey that Nancy could use the help without blowing her in as a dealer. Modine tries to ask her out to a real restaurant, repeatedly, but Celia is able to summon whatever self-preservation instincts she has to fend him off. For now. It's interesting, the way Perkins is playing it. She wants him, resents him, admires him, is afraid of him, is prepared to do battle with him, finds him charming, and seeks his approval. All at once.
Back at the Botwins', Nancy is ducking U-Turn's calls, as she's yet to move the brick. He leaves several threatening messages for her. Silas comes home from a hard day of picking up trash and fending off Pam. He marvels to Nancy that there's virtually no supervision at the job site, and he could easily start dealing there, no problem. Nancy, once again, tells him she will not even entertain the idea of Silas dealing. But when Silas picks up the unsold sack of weed and heads out the door, Nancy doesn't move from the couch. She calls after him, saying she doesn't want this for him, but she doesn't move a muscle because much as it sucks to admit it to herself, this will solve a pretty significant problem in her life right now and she doesn't have the energy to fight off solutions to her problems. "We'll discuss this later," she says, defeated, to an empty living room.