Previously on Weeds: Jacob was astoundingly wonderful in covering for me the last two weeks, and I give him many heart-hugs of gratitude. Also, in addition to Nancy being utterly up shit's creek once again, Andy got out of military service because a dog ate his toes, and Isabelle tried to keep her Huskaroos money away from her mom.
Nancy's been asleep for twenty-two hours since her impromptu swim/primal scream session, and the family is gathered around the dinner table as she groggily ambles downstairs. She tells Lupita that she can't afford to pay her anymore, and when Lupita tries to use her "I'll tell the cops" trump card, Nancy tells her that the big, scary men with guns who she owes money to will probably try to kill Lupita if she does tell. Andy suggests maybe keeping talk of scary, killer drug dealers away from the twelve-year-olds at the table, but Nancy's on an honesty kick, mostly because they all need to figure out ways to make money and make it fast. Andy suggests a poker tournament, which isn't funny (but is consistent with Andy's genes, apparently), and Silas says he can crack safes, which is even less funny. Shane has a stock portfolio worth $2,600, which Nancy tells him to cash in, penalty fee or no. I'm not sure I'm digging Shane's transition from weird little Strange Botwin to this mop-topped mopey kid who's just sad all the time. No fun!
Celia's meeting with her divorce attorney, played by Carrie Fisher. This is the second time I've had to recap Carrie Fisher this summer, and I continue to be unable to look past that hideous face-lift. She looks like Doctor Doom. Carrie advises Celia that her best financial asset, at this juncture, is actually Isabelle and her fat (ahem) Huskaroos contract, and for this reason, Celia should really be pushing hard for sole custody. After striking out with a suggestion that Dean may have snuck in a quick fondle at some point and time (not even Celia will go that far), Carrie then takes a fish out of its tank and lets it flop around on her desk for a while before returning it to its tank. This is what they're going to do to Dean: make him think he's done for before allowing him to escape with his life, for which he'll actually be grateful. Damn, when Celia Hodes looks at you like, "Harsh!" that's saying something.
Andy has taken Shane on an errand to the army recruiter's office, where he's displaying his mangled and munched-upon foot as evidence that he can't well serve. Army Guy, however, sees it differently and says this is a time of war. Shane is quick to pipe up that it's not an actual war, in the sense that war has not been declared. Army Guy's like, "Good enough to put your uncle in a uniform, kid." Andy tries to beg off with additional excuses -- he'll fail the drug test; he's gay -- but it's no good. Army Guy says Andy will end up sitting at a desk anyway: "We want to win this war." (Shane: "Not a war!") Andy looks like he's going to cry and says this is all bullshit. "Welcome to the army," says his recruiter-cum-captor.
Nancy's in Doug's office looking for some financial advice now that all the MILF weed is gone. Doug's not wearing any pants, which you'd think wouldn't inspire a whole lot of confidence in him as an accountant, but it's Doug, and he's kind of emotionally pantsless all the time anyway, so... Anyway, Doug says Dana threw him out once she found out he was fucking Celia, and Nancy's particularly grossed out at that revelation. After some discussion about Judah's dubious stock portfolio, Doug tells Nancy that she's broke. Again. Nancy's season-long freakout begins to accelerate and she asks whether she can sell her home to raise more money, but Doug tells her the Agrestic housing market is for shit -- they're getting shown up by neighboring "Majestic," hee. Regardless, selling the house would mean some cash in hand, so she wants to do it. Doug asks where she'll live. "I can only deal with one thing at a time," Nancy says. "If I deal with one thing at a time, I'm less inclined to shoot myself in the head." Doug strongly advises against that course of action, as her life insurance policy has run out. Nancy tells him to get it back for her -- her kids may end up needing it soon.
Across town, Conrad and Heylia are scoping out warehouse space for their new grow venture. Heylia's smoking -- cigarettes -- which she hasn't done in years, which would be enough indication that she's conflicted, put off, and most of all just really sad that she's been backed into changing up her business like this, if Tonye Patano weren't already acting the hell out of this scene. Conrad says this is the perfect spot to get his grow on. "Fucking shame it's all gonna be for U-Turn," he adds. Heylia says to let her worry about U-Turn. Well, it was nice knowing U-Turn. ...Wait, no it wasn't.
Celia is entertaining Isabelle in her seedy-ass motel room as part of her plan to win her daughter over to her side. Isabelle is having none of it, of course, despite Celia's best efforts at making nice. She tells Isabelle to pretend they're in "film noir" so the crappy motel room seems cooler. Isabelle would rather watch TV, particularly the girl-on-girl party line infomercial that's on right now, but Celia puts the kibosh on that. They argue over who gets the bed and who gets the cot -- Celia, being the mother, says she should have the bed. Unless they want to share it -- "How fun!" Isabelle doesn't even know why they're doing this, seeing as they don't like each other. Celia offers that maybe they just don't know each other very well, and this can be their opportunity to lie down and just talk. Of course, once Celia unfolds the cot, there's a condom inside. They're like fortune cookies, those motel cots. Betting slips? Used tissue? Insect? Condom? You never know! It should be noted, also, that despite the crappy surroundings, Celia still has her martini glass, which I would take as comforting, though I'll forgive Isabelle for not doing the same.
Botwins'. Andy is still permanently on the verge of tears as he prepares to disembark for his military adventure. He'll only be three hours away, he chokes, and if Shane gets sad, he can always go sit in Andy's room -- "don't open the nightstand drawer." Nancy says there might not be a room for much longer, as they're going to have to sell the house and "embrace change" in their lives. The weight of that prospect simultaneously crushes down on all four of them at once, and even Silas knows better than to whinily bitch about it. Andy wishes Silas luck in court, gives Nancy a fierce and sincere embrace, and takes off. "It's good to embrace change, right?" says Nancy, unconvincingly.
U-Turn's. Nancy shows up with $7,000, which is well short of what she owes. U-Turn tells Marvin to go out and break one of her kids' legs. He's not serious, but you can never quite tell with U-Turn, and that's what ends up making him super scary -- he's in on the joke of Nancy as a big-time dealer to a point, but after the laughing's done, he's still got his gun and is eager to use it. He tells her she's going to work her debt off "in trade," which makes my stomach drop, but dumb-ass Nancy is all, "How do you mean?" U-Turn wants to her to pick up a package, but Nancy says she can't -- she's got Silas's court hearing. U-Turn predictably starts to tell Nancy how to parent her kids, which is such an obligatory ironic statement that it kind of takes the fun out. "Move some stuff around," U-Turn tells her, about her scheduling conflicts, and Nancy heads out to begin her new life as a drug mule. When she's gone, Marvin asks why U-Turn sent her out. "I wanted to see how she'd do," U-Turn growls.
Motel. Celia's working on her martini and playing solitaire, while Isabelle reads a book about prisoners. Heh. Child Protective Services come knocking -- Isabelle called them up -- to determine whether this is a suitable living arrangement for a child. Isabelle tells them there was a condom in her bed. Celia tries to play it off like it was a plastic wrapper. "With a reservoir tip?" Isabelle asks. Celia hilariously tries to play the poverty card, telling the CPS lady that just because she's lower on the income line doesn't mean her dwelling is unfit. Cue the loud lovemaking sounds of the couple in the room door, one of whom seems awfully insistent that she be fucked harder. Harder! HARDER! Oh, Celia. Isabelle? Loving her life right now.
Nancy's pick-up assignment is at a bar we don't ever get the name of, so I'm going to call it Cholo McDo-Rag's. Nancy gingerly approaches the bartender and says U-Turn sent her to pick up a package before slurping the rest of her frappuccino. Nancy doesn't speak Spanish, which is part of the problem. The other part being that she's in way, way, way over her head. So the ringleader of this here operation, Guillermo, tells her that if she wants this package for U-Turn -- this fat brick of weed -- she's going to have to perform a "brick dance." After a couple lame attempts at booty-shaking, Nancy finally just turns on some music, gets up on the pool table, and makes like she's Julia Stiles in 10 Things I Hate About You, shaking her ass for this room full of scummy fuckers. She keeps edging herself closer and closer to that line, doesn't she? "White slavery" suddenly doesn't sound like much of a stretch when she's writhing around on a table for a brick. Not to mention how when she leaves, brick in hand, and one of the cholos asks why they didn't "have fun" with her, and Guillermo's response is "You don't rape the messenger," it makes two references to raping Nancy in the first three episodes, which scares the hell out of me for her season-long prospects. Again, she's edging closer and closer to that line, isn't she? Anyway, Guillermo tells her to tell U-Turn that he's a "lawn jockey" now. Whatever that means.
Nancy returns to U-Turn with the brick and the "lawn jockey" message, and U-Turn is incensed. He didn't send Nancy to pick up any pot, he sent her to pick up a kilo of "jack," which Nancy understands is a street term for heroin, which kind of makes her want to lie down at the thought of it. U-Turn says this is all Nancy's fault, though Nancy quite reasonably says not knowing what it was she was supposed to pick up makes it hard to blame her in this situation. "I did a brick dance for you, okay? I got a parking ticket!" He tells her to cut up the brick, move it, and bring him back $12,500 for it, which Nancy says is impossible. U-Turn, being U-Turn, doesn't so much care, and in fact he's also tacking on the cost of what he payed Guillermo for that jack he didn't get onto Nancy's debt. Nancy freaks out at this, saying she has kinds and bills and a life and how is she supposed to make ends meet if U-Turn keeps upping her debt. U-Turn looks her dead in the eye and says what many of us have said at least once or twice during the course of this series: "Get a fucking job!" And it's not so much that as the "a-doy" look in his eyes after he says it that makes me dismayingly note that I may love U-Turn a little bit. Just a little!
Court. The judge doesn't seem too inclined to let Silas off lightly for the camera theft, and actually wants to make an example out of him, but it turns out Celia, of all people, put in a good word, so all he gets is community service. Celia tries to get Nancy to talk to her on her way out of the court room, but Nancy just tells her to fuck off.
Boot camp. Poor Andy's had to shave his head and don fatigues and now stand in formation while some square-jawed drill sergeant does his best R. Lee Ermey. This doesn't look like a desk job. It turns out "desk job" is the lie they tell everyone, so it looks like Andy's well and truly fucked. So he's stuck between listening to Drill Sergeant jaw the usual "you maggots are nothing!" speech and the scrub at the end of the line with him yammer on about how great it will be to start killing some terrorists. Andy starts looking around the desert for some toads to lick.
At the Hodeses' custody hearing, the tide has turned severely against Celia after that disastrous visit from Child Protective Services. Carrie Fisher makes a weak effort at blocking a "supervised weekend visits only" stipulation before caving completely. Celia ask what happened to the whole fish metaphor thing, but now that Carrie doesn't think Celia is the cash cow she thought she was, she's dumping the whole case. Dean, with his scummy leather jacket and t-shirt and unwashed hair, thinks that's just awesome. Celia storms out with a "fuck you all" and, out in the lobby, assures Isabelle that she's out of her life. Frankly, I think everyone's better off this way. Now Celia can adopt Nancy's kids and bring her tornado of abuse and vodka down upon them for a bit while Nancy figures her own life out. That certainly seems like the most logical solution.
Botwins'. Shane's monitoring the sale of Andy's Les Paul guitar on eBay while Nancy and Silas measure out weed into baggies at the kitchen table. It looks an awful lot like Heylia's house, all of a sudden, except there isn't anything delicious cooking on the stove. Silas tries to broach the subject of his monumental fuckup with the stash, but Nancy doesn't seem remotely ready to forgive him yet and instead just tells him to make the bags lighter. There's a knock at the door, and when Nancy answers we see it's a DEA agent who looks a lot like the guy who played Tony's friendly FBI agent on The Sopranos, though I don't think he's the same guy. Anyway, here's here asking about one Peter Scottson. Nancy: GULP.