Previously, Weeds was really hard to recap for you because lots of stuff went on, but nothing really happened. Celia drowned all the pot, putting both Conrad and Nancy in danger. Shane was left alone to drive Kat's van after she split, while Abumchuk ditched Andy. Silas was in jail, Dean and Doug were high as hell at Shane's graduation party, the Armenians opted out of negotiations, and Sanjay was still in the closet.
Angelique Kidjo gets ticky-tacky with it this week; it's festive. Less so: the atmosphere around the Botwin swimming pool. Nancy and U-Turn's man Marvin the Deep-Dicking Psychic stare at the implacable Celia, who orders Nancy to thank her for not calling the cops about the pot before asking Marvin if he's "one of Nancy's drug dealer friends." Marvin's not interested in being associated with the drug trade, but before he can weave his web of lies, Nancy starts screaming at him to kill Celia before he kills her, so she can watch Celia die. Celia drunkenly stutters at her. Nancy picks up this huge fucking rock to club Celia over the head, and Marvin restrains her, protesting that he's a bag boy from the grocery store. "Oh, bullshit. Like there is an obese black bag boy at any market in a thirty-mile range of here. In Agrestic, the people are white and the help is brown, not black." Marvin's taken aback and finally figures out that Celia is "nasty."
Nancy swings the pool skimmer at Celia's head and throws her out of the yard, then gets to skimming. Celia can admit that Nancy's on the edge, being a drug dealer that's just been caught, but tells her to chill. She takes off, suggesting her pool guy drunkenly, and caressing Marvin's tummy as she goes. Nancy starts skimming the pool, assuring Marvin that Celia won't tell about this because she loves having the upper hand, and screaming at him to help. It's like Hunter Thompson doing Sisyphus, this.
U-Turn is totally thugged out right now. He screams at Nancy and Marvin on the phone, fires his gun all around, takes a moment for deep breathing exercises, and then teases Conrad with the gun. Conrad's above it, of course, so then U-Turn starts in with the Nancy/Conrad shipping, which Conrad is slightly less than stone-faced about. U-Turn threatens him about the "hummus-eating motherfuckers," and Conrad doesn't care: he points out that Nancy and Marvin are bringing the pot, and then it will be over. Having hit a wall, U-Turn comes back to Nancy, graphically simulating sex with her all threatening-like. I think this might have driven Conrad nuts -- it certainly bothered the shit out of me -- but right then, Sanjay makes a noise and U-Turn goes to investigate. Conrad sneaks the gun out of the microwave from the whole standoff with Peter the Prick, and U-Turn finds Sanjay. Who comes out of the figurative closet but stays in the literal one for a sec.
"Microwaves ruin everything!" shouts Marvin at Nancy's house, where they've got several different dryin-out schemes working: some's in the microwave, some is lying around in huge piles; Nancy's got a bunch in the dryer. Nothing seems to be working. They discuss how Nancy doesn't really smoke pot, which surprises Nancy. She tells him to smoke some, and he starts rooting around for a soda can. As they're fighting over Marvin's desire for a refreshing root beer to smoke it with, Lupita comes in. She takes in the scene, as she is wont to do, and then advises them hilariously that, if they're trying to make hash, they're doing it really wrong.
In the best scene of the episode, Celia wanders down the street drunkenly, chatting up postmen and hockey kids. The latter are not feeling her, even as she strikes a hilarious hostess pose against their goal net and gives a speech about how she's a crusader. Later, she wanders all alone, chuckling to herself: "Celia Hoades! Doing it pro bono!"
The pot is not operational: it has been ruined. Marvin tells Nancy she's out of options and tries to drag her, empty-handed, back to the grow house. "I will hurt you! I'm a thug! It's what I do!" he apologizes. She comes up with one last crazy scary plan -- Marvin tells her that he once brought back the wrong thing from 7-Eleven and now has an artificial patella -- and he's not interested in dorking around. She begs, and gives the Nancy eyes, and I assume he follows her crazy ass wherever she's headed, because that's how this show works: Nancy does something destructive and nutty, and an entire ethnic rainbow of good-hearted criminals shake their heads and go along with it.
Andy, covered in blood from Abumchuk's vicious headbutt, now driving Shane's abandoned van. I mean, he looks like hell. He looks like Fight Club. The police call Andy to tell him they've located the kid, but a suspicious pair of NASCAR people stare him down.
Isabelle and Doug come home from the grad party and laugh about somebody's drunk mom flying commando. They start to get sundaes together, all cute and fat like a cute fat little family, but Isabelle discovers Celia passed out in the dumbest fucking room ever built. (Great fucking episode.) Celia rolls around on the ground for awhile, much to Isabelle's pleasure, and admits that she is locked out. They make fun of her for awhile, and she finally drags herself to her feet, begging for a bath. Doug gives her a little bath time, unlocking the bedroom door with a houseplant key. Isabelle loves it more than anything.
U-Turn obsesses on Sanjay's sexuality; Sanjay explains his crush on Nancy as "a Judy Garland, Joan Crawford, Sarah Jessica Parker kind of love." U-Turn asks if this then implies that he would suck a dick. Sanjay's kind of awesome: "I would, if it was the right dick." You go, girl. U-Turn brandishes a gun at him and suggests the hypothesis that there is no such thing. Sanjay tells him he's going to be true to himself regardless of U-Turn or his family's objections. Conrad asks Sanjay if he's ever slept with a woman, and Sanjay admits that his cousin's friend once let her play with her nipples. He found it "kind of gross." U-Turn offers this pearl of wisdom: "Yeah, some women got ugly titties. Don't mean you a cocksucker." I...don't know how to respond to that.
A crazy ho named Clinique shows up with sandwiches for everybody. U-Turn calls an impromptu meeting with her in the corner while Conrad tries to get Sanjay on board with a plan to threaten U-Turn with the empty gun and escape. Too soon, U-Turn and Clinique come to an agreement: she is going to, I suppose as a favor to U-Turn, take Sanjay into another room and "fuck the gay out of [him]." Sanjay chokes on his sandwich; Conrad giggles and tells them it doesn't work that way. "Clinique's gonna make it work," U-Turn promises. It's hilarious because you can see him doing this as a tactic, but really I think he's just concerned about Sanjay. Clinique offers to try and fuck something out of Conrad too, but he only likes crazy bitches when they're white. Clinique, who is really growing on me, drags Sanjay back into the other room. The fucking commences.
And speaking of crazy plans, guess where Nancy's dragged Marvin? Over to Heylia's house, where it's tense as ever. Marvin chows down on pie while they discuss the situation. Heylia offers that she should have killed Nancy when she had the chance, which gives Nancy the entrée to accuse Heylia of bringing this whole situation about in the first place, by making the Armenian deal even though Nancy thought she had her bases covered. She demands Heylia get all her pot together and take it to U-Turn in return. Not liking her tone, Heylia drops her ass to the floor with a well-timed slap. Nancy trips her up and they go down, slapping and biting and shouting. Vaneeta sends Marvin in, but he gets a kick to the gut. He shouts at them to chill, reminding everybody that Conrad is going to die if they don't work this out. Heylia grabs a gigantic knife, causing Nancy to wilt like so much milfweed in the microwave, and starts cutting into a pale green La-Z-Boy, where she's stashed a bunch of cash. She loads it all up and then screams at Nancy and Marvin to get going back to the grow house.
Celia, having bathed and sobered up, finds Isabelle and Dean eating their ice cream and hatefully ignoring her altogether. She takes off without even getting a goodbye from them; on the news, they're talking about the Amber Alert, even though Shane's already been found.
The suspicious NASCAR couple watches bloody Andy get some chocolate milk before heading back to the station to pick up Shane. They menace and grill him about the Amber Alert, and he tries explaining how he called it in, then found the van abandoned when they picked Shane up. Andy swears that he's on the way to pick up the kid and doesn't have him stashed in the van or anything, but they don't believe him. They promise to call the cops and double-check...but only after they beat the crap out of him. You know, if you'd asked me a year ago how I'd feel about two solid episodes where Andy Botwin drives around getting the hell beat out of him, I'd have applauded and then asked when that smokin' Israeli chick was coming back. But now?
Speaking of people I can't even hate anymore, Silas gets chatty at the station with Shane, who explains that he got ten blocks before they pulled him over for "going too slow...and being twelve." He admits he had no idea where he was going, and Silas identifies strongly. He sweetly assures Shane that they will all hate each other for a while, but implies that it will pass, and gives him a pat on the arm.
Grow house, where U-Turn notes that Nancy looks like hell. Which I guess is true? Except it's Nancy, for whom looking less than gorgeous would be harder than making Celia less than totally awesome at any time. So it's a provisional kind of hell that she's looking. Marvin fills U-Turn and Conrad in on the destruction of the milfcrop, and there is much worrying and shouting. Heylia produces the cash to buy U-Turn out, and he makes a sick-ass mistake by shouting at her for speaking out of turn. His ass is going to pay for that. Heylia explains that she's there to pay Conrad's debt -- Nancy can, of course, go fuck herself -- and U-Turn says he doesn't want any cash for Conrad: he wants "the goose that laid the golden milfweed" as an employee.
Conrad resists, but U-Turn offers to shoot him in the head. Heylia grabs Conrad and heads out of there; Nancy tries to leave with them but it's decided that she still owes U-Turn $150K. She mumbles desperately that they're all together, which would be nice, but is not the case. Heylia drags Conrad off, and U-Turn fills in the blanks that Nancy is now all alone. Conrad, unable to do anything more, gives Nancy the empty gun and they smile sadly at each other. She's scared to death; after they leave, she nearly collapses. Marvin worries slightly about her status, but U-Turn takes the gun away and then threatens to kill her family and leave them all floating in her pool unless she produces the money. He takes all her cash out of her purse and notes her home address, then leaves her twenty bucks for emergencies, or like frozen yogurt or whatever. Clinique rejoins them, pronouncing Sanjay "gayer than a handbag full of rainbows," and we pan to him totally traumatized in the other room.
Back to the Apache Motel, where Doug's waiting for Celia abjectly. He gives a short speech begging for forgiveness, explaining that (while high) he left his short-cervixed lesbian wife, and declaring his love for her. He seems really sincere and you can tell this is coming at just the wrong time for Celia's usual invulnerability: her family just crapped all over her. She pushes past and lets herself into her room, but doesn't close the door behind her.
Nancy comes back to the station, totally shell-shocked, and learns that both of her kids are now being held. Of course, Andy runs into the station at precisely this point, looking twice as tore up as he was before. The cop at the desk asks if they had a fight or something, and Nancy deadpans that Andy hit her, and should be arrested. She immediately admits that she's kidding, but she doesn't look like she's kidding; the boys wave at Andy, who smiles through his totally gross and bloody face happily.
Doug and Celia finish up their perfunctory fuck, and Doug starts crying immediately. She strokes his arm for a second, until he starts whining about his wife and how he's wrecked his life, et cetera. She shoves him off her with a silent "Fucking of course." That's pretty rough, though. I really think she would have gone through with it because she's got nothing else at this point, not even Nancy.
Speaking of the walking dead, Nancy and her boys -- all three -- come home; she hasn't spoken since they left the station. She stalks to the fridge, takes out a Diet Coke and slurps it, with everybody staring. Lupita joins the peanut gallery and they all watch as Nancy gingerly puts down her Coke, lets down her hair, stares into space...and randomly starts snapping the buttons on her shirt like a toddler. Andy gets nervous and tries to herd everybody upstairs, but she steps out of her skirt and heads to the backyard with her Coke, in her bra and panties. Needless to say, she looks like a very tweaked-out but still very sexy angel.
Out back, she tosses the Coke can into the bushes and takes the plunge. Underwater, with her shoes floating up, she screams and screams and screams. Her family stands on the edge of the pool, watching when she resurfaces, gasping. She doesn't turn around to look at them, just stares at the camera with her eyes going What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck.