For the season finale, we return to the original Malvina Reynolds "Little Boxes," and then we're in the bathroom with Shane, as he practises his graduation speech.
And then we're in Silas's room, where Nancy, her hair still wet from the shower, is sitting on the bed, putting the evidence of Silas's criminal activity into garbage bags. Lupita enters with coffee, and Nancy asks whether she knew about all this. Lupita says she thinks Silas did it for Nancy, though Nancy is not so sure. She sits Lupita down and tells her that if anything happens to her-- "What's going to happen to you?" Lupita demands. Nancy says probably nothing, but that if something did, the kids are to go to her sister Jill, "not Mandy." Oh, there's a story there. She starts describing how Lupita can find Jill's contact information in her address book, but as it gets more and more convoluted, Nancy finally stops herself and tells Lupita to forget it; she's going to be fine. Nancy: you have children. Please get a will.
In his bed, Andy is telling Kat he's not going to Chile with her. She throws out a few other options, all of which he rejects, asking why they have to flee, anyway. Um. The angry people coming after Nancy? The angry Inuit coming after Kat? Have you not been watching the show, Andy? Starting in with a wristie to soften the blow (as it were), Kat explains that she stole over $1 million in poker chips from a casino. She knows a guy in South America who'll buy them for thirty-four cents on the dollar, and then they can buy a "casita" and start having babies. Managing to keep his head despite the activities already going on south of the border, Andy gently says that while he loves that Kat is crazy, but that he never intended her to find him again. Kat seems to take this announcement in stride, saying that she wants to lick the space where his toes used to be. Andy likey.
A dissolute Celia sits in her ruined motel room. She's wasted, smoking, and has food smeared all over her face and shirt -- but don't count Celia out yet! Because she's watching surveillance videos, and gets a nice big close-up of the bandit's face: Silas. "Son of a bitch!" Celia spits. "Son of a fucking cold bitch!"
Speaking of whom, Nancy calls Silas from her kitchen. He still hasn't come home, but she offers him amnesty if he comes straight home, probation if he makes it to Shane's graduation. Shane enters, all besuited, and Nancy is thrilled to see him all fancy. He asks if Silas is coming, and whether they're really moving; Nancy doesn't know on either count. Shane takes a moment, and then asks what he should tell people when they ask what she does. "Tell them I'm your mom," says Nancy, her voice breaking. Yeah, don't even try to sell that "tomatoes" shit. Shane adds that he's been doing some research online, and he really thinks they'd do well in Pittsburgh. Nancy takes that under advisement. I recommend Scranton; there's a perfectly nice paper-company executive Nancy could easily exploit for her own purposes.
Chez Hodes. As they eat cereal and watch anime, Dean sort of chucks Isabelle on the shoulder, and she accidentally flings some cereal onto the floor. She freaks out, leaping up to clean it, but Dean tells her to take it easy; it's just milk. Isabelle says that Celia will be mad, but Dean tells her Celia's not here. Isabelle matter-of-factly says that she'll be back, but Dean very seriously says that she won't this time. Isabelle takes a moment, and then asks if Dean remembers the Harry Potter books they've read. Dean affably says he loves them. Isabelle: "Mom is Voldemort." This notion actually seems to freeze Dean to the core as Isabelle says that he may have reduced her to vapour for now, but that even now, she's gathering her strength, preparing to return stronger than ever. Dean swallows hard, and then pastes on a smile and tells Isabelle to go get ready for graduation. Once she's gone, he starts cleaning up the spill, thinking how much he wishes Celia were just a vampire.
Nancy leaves Silas another message imploring him not to punish Silas for Nancy's mistakes by skipping Shane's graduation. She hangs up, and turns around to see that Celia's materialized in her great room. Nancy starts, and Celia says she's glad she scared her: "I hope you peed in your panties." Nancy tries to dismiss Celia, but she means business, demanding, "Where is he?" Nancy doesn't know whom Celia means, and Celia sarcastically says that's right -- it could be the one who called her a drunk at the middle school, or the one who's been stealing city property. Nancy plays dumb, so Celia produces the tape as her smoking gun. Nancy takes it and smashes it on the floor with the heel of her espadrille, saying she doesn't know what Celia's talking about. So Celia then pulls an actual gun out of her bag. It is, of course, at this moment that Shane appears, though he doesn't get far into the great room before the sight of Celia's firepower stops him dead, eyes wide. Nancy asks where the gun came from, and Celia says she borrowed it from Pam. Well, of course. She fires a test shot at Nancy's cupboard door, freaks out at how exciting that was, and then says she only had the one bullet; she was going to shoot Doug. She cheerily leaves the gun on the counter and says she'll see them at graduation. Once she's flounced out, Nancy empties the pistol and asks if Shane is okay. "This never would have happened in Pittsburgh," says Shane. Maybe in Philadelphia, though.
Heylia's. She's invited Conrad over to give him a "last meal," since she heard Conrad was possibly going to "meet [his] maker" today. Vaneeta tells him about Nancy trying to sell the harvest to Heylia, and Conrad mopes that he'd told her not to. Heylia drawls that no one listens to him. She asks whether Peter's coming after Conrad -- which I thought she already knew -- but anyway, Conrad confirms it. Heylia asks whether Conrad wants to die today. He does not. "Eat your fucking waffles," advises Heylia. Apparently they're made with magic flour. Dean should keep some around his place!
Shane gives his speech at graduation. He starts with a long introduction to every possible kind of adult there, from parents to boyfriends and girlfriends of parents to friends of your parents you call aunt and uncle who actually aren't. And now, to the actual speech: "YOU HAVE FAILED US ALL!" As Shane says that "everything is not okay," Gretchen looks out at the crowd and glares at Kat, flirting in Andy's lap. Yeah, I guess with a girl like that, you can't assume that just because you see her with another guy, she doesn't still have designs on yours. "We are alienated! Desensitized!" Doug and Dean glare at one another. "Angry!" Celia sneers at Doug, who catches her eye and immediately looks away. "And frightened!" Dean and Celia exchange an uncomfortable look. Shane: "If you think of Agrestic as an airplane -- a grand, soaring jet carrying us through the sky, I think you all need to understand: there are motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane." Class of 2006: "WOOOOOOOO!" Nancy smiles ruefully, and Andy, cackling, bounces Kat up and down in his lap. Principal Dodge leaps up, reminds Shane that they'd told him not to use profanity, and gives him his diploma, saying that he's junior high's problem now. Class of 2006: "LET HIM SPEAK! LET HIM SPEAK!" Isabelle: "Motherfucking let him motherfucking speak!" The Hodeses are taken aback. Well, that's showbiz; , she'll be photographed going into a Huskeroos party without her underpants. Dodge threatens to call off graduation. In the crowd, Nancy chuckles at the riot the event has become, glancing toward the side of the yard...where she sees Peter lurking, watching her. Nancy's face falls, as Shane meta-ly tells the gathered parents that they moved to Agrestic to be safe, but that their children are not safe. WE GET IT, JENJI. Nancy tells Andy she has to go, asking him to make her excuses to Shane and saying she'll see them later, at the house. As she walks up the aisle, Shane asks Nancy, into the mic, where she's going, but she just looks back sadly and goes to her earth-friendly car.
When Nancy gets to her car, she finds a note on the windshield. "JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU WERE COMING. WE BOTH KNOW HOW YOU [camera scrolls down] LIE." Yeah, I think we could have guessed how that was going to end, even without the suspense. Nancy, looking distressed, gets in the car.
Party. Kat and Shane dance on on the patio. Gretchen, all pissed, comes up to Andy and orders, "Either you control your woman, or I will." Andy obligingly cuts in. Gretchen pulls Shane aside and demands to know if she's his girlfriend or not. Elsewhere, Kat says she "liberated" a case of Cactus Cooler for their trip. Not even the promise that it tastes like baby aspirin can entice him to go with her, though. time, she should try Tahitian Treat.
Grow house. Nancy enters to find that all the plants and much of the equipment has been cleared out. She's opening a can of Diet Coke when she hears the door; she goes to the rack and grabs a pair of scissors, but it's just Conrad. Laughing with relief, Nancy says she thought he was Peter, adding that he left a note on her car to try to scare her. "Is it working?" asks Conrad. "Fuck yes!" says Nancy, laughing uncomfortably. After a moment, she adds, "You're a good kisser," and looks at Conrad wistfully. Conrad almost smiles. Aw.
Party. Kat tries one more time to get Andy to run away with her, but no dice. She asks for his van keys. Andy, affronted, says that he isn't going to give her his van, but when she points out that she'll just steal it anyway, he figures it's a fair enough proposal, and hands them over. Kat leaps on Andy for one final face-sucking kiss, and then she's gone. Or, rather, "gone." These ones never leave that easily.
Dean and Doug find each other at the punch bowl and glare each other down. Dean: "Wife fucker." Doug: "Career wrecker." Dean takes a swipe at Doug, who complains, "You punched my neck!" Dean says that Doug is "freakishly tall." Doug: "I'm also freakishly long, so imagine how much of me was in your wife." There's a beat, but not a long one, and then, as Celia watches, pulling on her flask, Dean and Doug are rolling around on the floor in the one and only male/male wrestling match I've ever seen on TV that's completely devoid of homoeroticism.
A hectic Silas enters and finds Shane. He admits, under questioning, that he missed Shane's speech. "You're an asshole," pouts Shane. Silas asks where Nancy is. Shane tells her he doesn't know, and that she skipped out of the ceremony. Ruffling Shane's hair, Silas sighs, "Some fucking family you got stuck with, huh?" Indeed, it's a sad day when the most responsible Botwin is ANDY.
Grow house. Conrad's phone rings; it's U-Turn. Conrad confirms that U-Turn will be there at the actual 3 o'clock, and not on "black people time." He hangs up, and when Nancy asks what that means, Conrad says that it's a cultural stereotype: some black people like watermelon, some can dance, and most have trouble getting places on time. Nancy feels that: "I like gin, and I'm not much for hugging." She asks whether he brought a gun, but he says that's one stereotype he won't be fulfilling today. Nancy says she has one, and, pulling it out, explains the provenance of Celia's sidearm. Conrad, freaking out, takes it from her and puts it in the microwave, Nancy huffing that there aren't any bullets in it. Conrad: "Another brilliant plan from you."
"You shouldn't put metal in the microwave," says Peter, Dirty Harry-ing his way in. "Hi, honey," says Nancy tightly. "I got your note!" Peter, motioning toward Conrad, asks, "You been fucking him the whole time we've been married?" Nancy sort of flaps her arms and pouts in a way that was probably adorable when she was four as she says no, she told Peter that. "But you're a liar," says Peter, not without foundation. "It's just business between us," says Conrad gravely. "Always has been." "Huh," says Peter. "Your loss. She fucks like a wild animal." I guess there's no point being chivalrous now that his bridge to Nancy's pants is entirely burnt. As Nancy lets this "compliment" sink in, Sanjay rolls in. Peter turns on him instantly, gun drawn. Sanjay puts his hands up, asking if it isn't his shift. Peter recognizes Sanjay as the "little shit" who smashed Peter's muffin. Sanjay: "...Forgive me?" He's really not the forgiving type, dude.
Party. Doug has Dean pinned to the floor and is doing that thing where you let the loogie drool out of your mouth and then suck it back; fortunately, the camera cuts away before the loogie makes fatal contact. The most hilarious part is that the party is totally still raging on around them, everyone either ignoring them or ushering their kids out of the strike zone. A rather drunk Celia runs into Andy and tells him she always thought he was cute, and that she's single now; she grabs him and they get into a tongue-intensive kiss. Both seem reasonably into it, but after Celia breaks the kiss, she asks Andy where his nephew is. Ah, always an ulterior motive. But then she looks across the room and spots Silas talking to Shane, and then heading out again, backpack in place. Celia follows from an appropriate distance, but on her way out of the house, she catches an eyeful of Isabelle slow-dancing with another girl, and then runs into Abumchuk -- who is easily two feet taller than she is. Celia: "Get. The fuck. Out of my way." Abumchuk is no less terrified of Celia by virtue of his height, and stands aside, huffing that "people in the south are so rude!" Heh. Something tells me Celia, despite her rudeness, still wouldn't mind showing him her lower 48.
Andy and Gretchen have found each other on the couch; she sighs that she and Shane are over. Andy bumps her in the shoulder, saying he's sorry, but Gretchen says it's okay: "They deserve each other." Andy doesn't know whom she means, so she explains: Shane and Kat. Andy shrugs that Kat's gone now. Gretchen knows: she left with Shane a couple of minutes ago. Andy tears out; across the room, Abumchuk sees and follows. And yet, Andy? Still the most responsible Botwin today.
Grow house. Nancy, Conrad, Peter, and Sanjay are still gathered in the kitchen when there's an insistent knocking, obviously from U-Turn. Peter heads out the back to his truck, and Conrad sends Sanjay out, too. "Not with him!" squeals Nancy. Conrad says that he has to go somewhere, and not out the front, so Nancy covers Sanjay's mouth and leads him to the hall closet, instructing him not to come out, no matter what. Nancy and Conrad make it to the door; U-Turn, it appears, abhors tardiness.
Inside, U-Turn tells Conrad that he's got a "nice setup." They get to the kitchen, where U-Turn orders Nancy to take off her shirt, and tells Marvin to check Conrad. This is bullshit, according to Conrad, but U-Turn says that he's checking them for wires: "It's called due diligent." Nancy haughtily corrects him that it's "due diligence," and duly pulls her buttons open. U-Turn praises her "nice titties," and Nancy sasses that he should show her his. But it's not time for the deal yet; U-Turn has to go pee. As he heads off, Marvin explains that he's doing a maple lemonade flush, which makes U-Turn pee more than Marvin's cousin Jerome, who only has one kidney. Nancy: "...Poor Jerome." Don't believe her, Marvin. She's a liar!
And then we see the man who keeps reminding us of that, watching the house from his truck.
Kat drives Andy's van, Shane right up front riding shotgun, Cactus Cooler beside him. Kat brightly thanks Shane for keeping her company, asking where he wants to go. He suggests Pittsburgh, and she agrees, saying that they have to make a stop in Paraguay first. Shane is fine with that, and takes a sip of his Cactus Cooler: "Tastes like baby aspirin!" They really should just make a candy that tastes like that. Other than SweetTarts, I mean.
And then we see that Abumchuk is tailing them in his truck, though this pair of travelling companions is a lot less suited to each other: Andy's sitting shotgun. "Step on it, Geronimo!" yelps Andy frantically. Abumchuk does not care for his slur.
Peter's still sitting in his truck when a pretty young woman comes to his window, smiling and motioning for him to put his window down. He does, and her smile abruptly changes to a snarl as she reaches in and unlocks his door. Instantly, Peter has company in the form of two Armenian dudes in tracksuits, both pulling guns on him. They get into the truck cab, pushing him to the middle (it's a sandwich, and Agent Wonder Bread, incongruously, is the meat!), and the one in the shotgun seat announces, "Keshisyan says goodbye." The other guy starts the truck and pulls it into a nearby garage as a guy on the soundtrack sings, "Motherfucker die. I wanna see you cry." An excited dog runs in beside the truck just as the garage door closes; we can barely hear as the barks turn to snarls. Smell you later, Peter. When you get to the other side, say hi to Andy's toes.
U-Turn comes back to the kitchen, catching them up on his flush. Nancy says that Marvin already told them, and then whines that her kid is graduating, so could they speed this up? She wants to see the money. U-Turn says that she won't see the money until he sees the weed, so Conrad asks Marvin to help him move the butcher-block cover off the kitchen island and goes to open the safe. Nancy stops him, though, saying that he won't see the weed until she sees the money. "You're almost right about that," says U-Turn, going for his briefcase...but it's not full of money; it's full of automatic weapons, which he and Marvin train on Nancy and Conrad. Nancy, losing her breath, asks where the money is, but U-Turn tells her there isn't any: "I'm a fucking criminal!" Nancy says he's a great one, to be sure, but U-Turn is no longer "tickled" by her antics, and he and Marvin cock their guns. Conrad asks what they're thinking; apparently, it's that Conrad and Nancy don't have an army. Nancy finally seems to be grasping the gravity of the situation...
...when in stroll the Armenian guys, also carrying weapons, asking for the money. There's a general hubbub as the various gun-toting factions react to one another's presence, and then the lead Armenian -- the one who relayed Keshisyan's message to Peter -- demands his money. Nancy's totally lost, so the guy exposits that the "Negro lady" told them if they killed Peter, Conrad would pay them. "He's dead?" breathes Nancy. It's not entirely unambiguous, but it appears as though Conrad knew this was going to happen; this is what Nancy misses, not getting invited to brunch at Heylia's. Anyway, Armenio asks Conrad again for the money, and Conrad grits that they ran into a little problem there, in that U-Turn and Marvin decided to jack them instead. Armenio is momentarily derailed by this, but bounces back, shrugging that he and his crew will just take the weed instead. U-Turn does not consent. Armenio waves him off -- did he kill any federal agents? U-Turn says he'll kill everyone, and Armenio scoffs that they all have guns, they could all kill each other, but then no one will get anything. Nancy, still trying to get a handle on the situation, quietly asks again, "He's dead? Peter?" "YES," screams everyone else in the room, in unison. Nancy squeals that there's a lot of data flying around. U-Turn orders, "Open the fucking safe!" "You gotta pee again?" asks Marvin. Heh. Armenio: "Open the fucking safe!" Finally, Conrad has to hiss at Nancy to open the fucking safe, which she finally does. She and Conrad pull back the lids, but when she looks in, she doesn't like what she sees: "Not today..." The camera pushes in to show that the safe is empty...but for a lone DRUG FREE ZONE sign. Oh hell no. Nancy, when you find this kid, you need to rip his fucking balls off. That's not cute. All the men with guns are unimpressed by the hilarious prank, but Nancy begs to make a call. The five guns in the room trained right on her, she excitedly whispers, "It's ringing!"
At the side of the road somewhere, Silas picks up. Nancy plaintively asks whether he took something that didn't belong to him. Silas says he wants in, and in case we weren't able to assemble this puzzle on our own, the camera shows us that Silas's trunk is entirely full of the harvest. He's just pulling a blanket back over it when a cop car pulls out and Celia pops out, pointing Silas out to the officers as "the little fucker who stole [her] cameras." "Shit," mutters Silas, clicking his phone off.
Back at the grow house, Nancy is left hanging. Only the island in the middle of the room prevents one of the gun muzzles from actually going up her nose. And thus hanging us off the cliff, Season 2 tokes its leave.