Jenny Lewis and Jonathan Rice duet on "Little Boxes," and then we head over to Nancy's great room, where Kat is putting on an impromptu yoga class. Of course. If it wasn't going to be yoga, it would have been tai chi. Shane tells her to be careful, lest her intestines tangle up and explode, but before he can get into very graphic detail, Nancy shuts him up, and orders Kat, "Leave my house." Kat asks whether Nancy's "attracting lesbian vampires." Nancy doesn't get her meaning, so Kat reels off about eighteen euphemisms for menstruation, including my personal favorite, "Shark Week." Nancy surmises that Kat's asking whether Nancy's having her period, and Kat exclaims that they're cycling together. This does not endear Kat to Nancy, and Nancy order Andy, rolling back from a donut run, to agree, more or less. Silas enters then, in last night's outfit, and Nancy wrestles his car keys out of his hands. He claims he had a good reason for staying out all night -- not wanting to hear his mother fucking her boyfriend -- but Shane reports that Nancy got rid of Peter after fifteen minutes. Silas makes a crack about the fastest gun in the west (the most deadpan, certainly)...
...and then, speak of the devil! Peter's shown up at the door with a bag of oranges. As you do. Peter explains that he felt bad for the orange guy, and also felt bad about the night. Nancy waves that off, saying that they're in their "adjustment period...time." She's not quite as good at acting like everything's fine as he is, but she gamely tells him that she feels "great" about where they are as a couple. Giving Nancy an appraising look, Peter asks how long it will be before she retires and he can have her all to himself. "Soon!" Nancy promises brightly. Peter looks her over, sadly, for a long moment. Nancy, misinterpreting, invites him in for fresh-squeezed orange juice, but he declines, and after another long, sad stare, he chokes out a "bye" and takes off. Nancy watches him go, curiously, but doesn't really seem to know what to suspect. Not that anyone's shrewder than she is, that's for sure!
Apache Motel. Doug and Celia are winding up another loud assignation, this one assisted with a little sex crop -- and if Agrestic is a small town in suburb form, I'm surprised Councilwoman Hodes is being so careless as to keep returning to the same hotel. Anyway, they wrap things up, Celia complaining that they can't keep sneaking around this way. Doug says that's how cheating works. The couple door starts going at it, and Celia gasps, "Is that what we sound like?" The sound gets them all hot again, and after they've briefly kissed, Doug asks whether Celia would leave Dean. They go back and forth, each trying to decide if the other is serious. It seems Doug is -- Dana doesn't like sex, apparently -- and Celia calls that a waste, given what Doug is packing. Doug announces, "Let's do it!" Celia agrees, saying that it's a waste for Doug to be with Dana; it's like having a big boat, and no lake to sail it in. Doug lets Celia be his lake. She should maybe trade the crop for a little paddle.
Grow house. Conrad's on the phone, puttering around the kitchen, the safe open, when Nancy comes in. Conrad hangs up and tells her they're looking at a bull market for their harvest: it's worth $300,000 now, but if Nancy can hold Peter off for another week, it could go as high as $500,000. Nancy says that won't be a problem, telling Conrad how Peter came by that morning with oranges. Conrad doesn't reply, so Nancy brings up the half-million figure. Conrad says it's a shame: "What Viagra was for Pfizer, MILFweed could have been for us." Nancy agrees that it's a pity. Conrad says he's going to take his share of the sale and open another grow house do it better this time. Sanjay enters, seeking investors for his hedge fund; there's money to be made exploiting emerging third-world countries. Conrad replies that there are 370 billionaires in the U.S., and 40 million people living below the poverty line: "Wake up, 7-11. This is the fucking third world." Well, now Nancy can't really jump in on it, can she? Nice cock block, Conrad.
As they walk out the front door, Nancy asks Conrad how he knows that stuff. Conrad: "The Daily Show." Heh. The chat doesn't last long, though, as Peter emerges from the shrubs, hits Conrad on the back of the neck with the butt of his service weapon, and pins him to the ground with his foot on Conrad's chest, gun trained at his face. Nancy is silent with shock as Peter demands the marriage certificate: "Or your boyfriend here is going to be just another dead nigger drug dealer!" Nancy manages to get her breath and tell him it's too late: she sent it in. This is not good news as far as Peter is concerned. "Why are you doing this?" Nancy whines. Peter turns on her with a bitter squint: "Because I'm Agent Wonder Bread." Snap. Anyway, in the absence of a marriage certificate, Peter has a backup plan: Nancy and Conrad will sell their harvest to a single buyer, and give Peter all the money. Then, she's going to do her best to make sure Peter never sees her again. "All of it?" whispers Nancy, trying not to cry in front of him. Peter says that if she'd rather have her payday, he can send her to prison instead -- and if he goes down with her, it'll serve him right: "Because I laid everything on the line for you, and you fucked me." Oh, come now. You fucked each other! Throughout this exchange, by the way, Conrad is dead silent, his face closed down, stoic at the discovery that everything he feared about working with Nancy has finally come to pass.
Once Peter has staggered off, an irate Conrad gets up off the ground and asks her for her phone. Nancy, still frozen in terror, fumbles in her bag for a second (been there; why is it that when you're looking for your lip balm, all you can find are fifty-eight pens?), but Conrad is in no mood and tears the bag off her shoulder, dumping the contents on the ground. When he locates the phone, he smashes it on the sidewalk, shrieking, "You hear me now, motherfucker? You hear me now?!" Dude, take it easy. Just put him in your Five.
Chez Hodes. Dean is sleeping the sleep of the just, hugging his pillow, and awakens to see Celia sitting at the foot of their bed. He asks if she slept in the guest room the night before, and she says no. He asks where she was, then, and she replies, "Fucking Doug." Misinterpreting her use of the gerund to mean the adjective instead of the verb, Dean asks, "What did he do now?" "Me," says Celia wistfully. Dean doesn't get it, so Celia announces that she's leaving Dean for Doug. Dean is incredulous: "Doug hates you!" "Doug loves me," says Celia. "...Now." Dean STILL can't believe it, but Celia thinks he should have expected it: "You are so the kind of guy this stuff happens to." Dean finally reaches the "acceptance" stage, and asks how they're going to tell Isabelle. Celia says that they'll tell her together. But there's no need: Isabelle has heard the whole thing, and yells from another room, "I wanna live with Dad!" You can't muffle sound in a house made out of ticky-tacky.
At Nancy's, Silas is in the great room, working with Gretchen on his graduation speech: "How do you spell 'hypocrisy'?" Gretchen complains that this is boring, and then Nancy bustles in, saying she has to go out; she vaguely adds that Andy is "around." As she takes a painting off the wall, both kids tell her she looks anxious. She insists that she's fine, and heads out. Once she's gone, Gretchen tells Shane that his mother is "weird." Shane can at least be happy that his peers no longer regard him as the weirdest member of his family.
Outside, Nancy tears into the paper backing the painting, revealing the marriage certificate in its stamped envelope that totally hasn't been mailed back to Nevada yet. She puts the envelope in a mailbox and makes for the driver's seat of her car, whereupon she notices a large First Nations man standing across the street. He gives her a tentative wave. Nancy waves back, and tries to keep as much distance between them as possible as she gets into the car. Ladies and gentlemen, I think we've just met Abumchuk.
Back in the great room, Shane's still trying to work on his speech, but Gretchen, over it, would rather go into the fridge and emerge with a beer: "Let's get drunk!" Shane is not down with that plan, but it gets scuttled anyway when Andy and Kat enter. Gretchen quickly puts the open beer back into the fridge as Shane rushes forward for his heart hug. Gretchen possessively introduces herself as Shane's girlfriend, saying that it's their one-week anniversary. Kat says that the first week is hard, but that if neither of them has slept with anyone else yet, it's a good sign. As Shane and Kat continue grinning at each other, Andy says that Nancy told him to take Shane to the mall for a graduation suit. With the Shane/Kat eye contact still unbroken, Gretchen announces, "I'm coming." Give up now, Gretchen. He's already gotten a taste for older women.
Nancy has come to offer the harvest to Heylia, saying that she's come to Heylia out of respect. Heylia -- who's working as a crossing guard now -- corrects her, saying that Nancy's come to her because she's in trouble. Nancy doesn't dispute it, and tells Heylia she can take the whole harvest, at bargain prices. Heylia asks whether she's supposed to sell it to these schoolchildren, and Nancy says she knows that Heylia's "game" is fucked up now, but that she could take it "back east" -- Nancy knows Heylia's always wanted to move closer to her sister, in Detroit. Heylia says that trafficking across state lines would be a brilliant idea, and sarcastically marvels that Nancy would think Heylia could take a business it's taken her twenty years to build and just move it somewhere else. She guesses that Nancy's getting "the shakedown," and is about as sympathetic as you would expect. Heylia asks whether Conrad knows Nancy's making this offer to Heylia. Nancy: "No. Do you want it or not?" By way of answer, Heylia says that Nancy and Conrad are like those big companies that dump toxic shit everywhere and then act surprised when "ice caps melt and hurricanes drown New Orleans." Nancy: "Fuck you. I drive a Prius." On that ridiculous yet completely in-character exit line, Nancy stomps off, leaving Heylia to call Vaneeta: "Conrad in it up to his bald fucking head. Oh, we going to jail."
Mall. Shane trying on a wheat-coloured summer suit, asks whether Andy loves Kat. He snorts that he doesn't, so Shane asks why he's with her, then. Andy says that she makes him crazy, and she makes him crazy. Shane, remembering Jade and her warm towels, smiles knowingly.
On the other side of the store, Gretchen asks Kat to quit hitting on Shane. Kat pompously replies with a koan about holding Shane too hard and having him turn to dust. Gretchen's like, "For real, knock it off," and Kat starts waving her hands around like she's going to claw Gretchen in the face.
And maybe she will: back with Shane and Andy, we learn that Kat once stabbed Andy with an icicle because he kicked one of her spirit animals. Shane asks what that is, but Andy has no idea. With Kat, though, life is never boring; she keeps him on his toes: "All eight of them." Speaking of which, it is at this point that Kat hurries over with Gretchen; Abumchuk has found them. Sure enough, there's a window behind Andy, and Abumchuk is pressed right up against it. Not sly, our Abumchuk. Andy hastily tells a salesclerk that they'll take the suit Shane's wearing, and they get ready to book. Guys, I suspect that Abumchuk may know where you dudes parked.
Jail. Heylia waits at a window, and soon receives her inmate: Keshisyan. He asks who she is, and she tells him she's a businesswomen. Keshisyan dubiously asks what she wants, and Heylia tells him it's the same thing he wants. Keshisyan: "Pussy?" Heylia chuckles: "Even better." Two pussies?
Gym. A basketball game is underway when Conrad and Nancy enters. Conrad calls out for U-Turn. Nancy asks which one U-Turn is, but soon gets her answer when he uses ball to clock another player in the face, knocking him to the floor. U-Turn orders Conrad to take off his shirt and get in the game (no argument here, hello), and Conrad obliges, making his sale offer as they play. U-Turn dismissively says he'll take a few pounds of the "Sexy Mama."
On the sidelines, Marvin comes over to Nancy and asks why bitches are so crazy all the time. She hesitantly says that it's not easy to be a girl -- "lot of issues" -- but Marvin isn't trying to hear that, saying that his girlfriend tried to set him on fire. Nancy asks why, and Marvin says he didn't even do anything. Well, he slept with her sister. But other than that. Nancy says that his girlfriend just turned to the lighter to let Marvin know how hurt she was, but Marvin argues that he already got his punishment: the sister gave him crabs. Nancy says that must be uncomfortable, and Marvin agrees that it itches like a motherfucker.
Back to the game. Conrad explains that they need U-Turn to take the entire harvest, and asks if he's heavy enough. U-Turn makes a flashy move, demanding to know whether it looks like he's heavy enough. Conrad's like, "Sure." The game breaks up as they talk terms. Nancy holds out a thumb up, and U-Turn's like, "What the hell is that?" Nancy: "Dap?" Conrad folds her thumb down. U-Turn: "Say 'dap' again." Nancy: "Daaaaaaaapp?" "That tickles me," says U-Turn, totally stone-faced. Nancy and Conrad make to leave, and, watching her ass as she walks off, U-Turn invites Nancy to take her shirt off and join the game as well. Nancy flirts that she's tempted, but that she wouldn't want Marvin's girlfriend to get the wrong idea. Once they've gone, Marvin says that Conrad should be enjoying relations with Nancy, or he is very unwise. (I'm paraphrasing.) Marvin asks how they're supposed to get the money for thirty-seven pounds of MILFweed by the day, and U-Turn scoffs, "We got guns. They ain't got no army." Ah, the one thing GrowCo was missing!
Motel. Doug's waiting on the bed when Celia enters, crowing about how liberated she feels, having left Dean. "Poor schmuck," says Doug. Celia asks how Dana took it, and Doug says that "she would have been devastated." Celia's like, "'Would have been'?" Yeah, Doug didn't do it. But he points out that he and Celia can still see each other, and now at least one of them doesn't have to sneak around: "Lucky you!" Celia can't believe it, and yet she can, accusing him, with mounting rage, of being spineless. Doug defends that Dana may not sleep with him, but she's a sweetheart, whereas Celia's too mean for him to live with. Celia lights a cigarette. Doug tells her she can't smoke in there, but it's okay, Celia's done, and stubs out her cigarette on the back of Doug's hand. Doug says that's exactly what he's talking about. He can probably kiss the riding crop goodbye.
Grow house. Leaning across the island, they press their heads together as Nancy calls Peter. She tells him to meet her at the grow house the day at 3. Peter tells her it'll be just him, her, and "her little friend." Nancy says it'll be just her, Peter, and the money, but Peter says it wouldn't be any fun if Conrad wasn't there. Nancy agrees, and they hang up, Peter calling Nancy "sweetheart." Hey! The only people who can get away with using that word and not meaning it are diner waitresses!
Once the call has ended, Conrad pours them each a Dixie cup of Grey Goose. Nancy suddenly realizes that she has a scheduling conflict the day -- Shane's graduation -- but Conrad tells her to go; he'll handle the sale. Nancy refuses, saying that he needs to take his duffel bag and get on a bus, but Conrad intensely seizes Nancy's arm and says he's staying. There's a charged moment as they gaze at each other, and then he leans in for a kiss. Nancy returns it, wrapping her fingers around his chain to hold him in place, but soon enough, they break the clinch, and Conrad, seeming regretful, coldly advising that she should think about relocating, herself, and says he'll see her there tomorrow. On his way out, he angrily slams his shoulder into the wall. And thinks about updating his résumé.
Chez Hodes. Celia arrives home to find Dean ferrying suitcases toward the door. She sighs at him not to be a drama queen, saying he's not going anywhere, and that he can forget about yesterday. Dean asks whether she didn't actually have an affair with Doug, but she says she did; she's over it now. She repeats that he's not really leaving, but Dean cheerfully agrees that he isn't: she is. He bodily throws her out of the place. Celia bitterly sits on the front walk, reaping what she has sown.
Nancy's. As she puts her hair up, Nancy babbles to her boys that she's been thinking they should live someplace else for a while. She asks what they think. Kat, rolling in, says she's up for her, and Nancy, without looking at her, orders Andy to get rid of her. Andy duly ushers her to the door, Kat asking if this is about Abumchuk. Andy says no, and Kat adds, "About Abumchuk. He's not really my boyfriend." Andy wearily tells her not to make him guess, and she admits that he's a bounty hunter: "I did something illegal." She wanders off, no doub to do something else illegal.
Back inside, Silas asks Nancy why they're fleeing -- whether her "narc" is no longer cool with what she does. Nancy dodges the question. Shane, connecting the dots, breathes, "You are a drug dealer." Nancy takes a long moment, and then admits that she is: "I grow and sell marijuana. It's organic. It's therapeutic. It's of the earth. Like tomatoes." "Yeah, like tomatoes," says Shane, trying to deal. Silas decides he's done with the conversation, and Nancy storms after him, raging that he had better not barricade himself in his room again. She changes direction, saying she's had it with him. On the couch, Shane asks whether they'll still be having his graduation party the day, and Andy says they will, but it just might double as a going-away party. At this point, Nancy returns, an axe in her hand. Shane and Andy are curious, as anyone would be.
Well, what Nancy's going to do is to test Silas's door, see that it's locked, and start hacking through it like Jack Torrance. And apparently it's been a while since anyone's been in there, because littered all over it are DRUG FREE ZONE signs and cameras; the window's open, Silas's apparent point of egress. Shane also finds the mask from the sasquatch costume and puts it on, growling, "Drugs are baaaaaaaaad!" Nancy sits on Silas's bed, pondering how she's going to react to this one.