"Little Boxes" is brought to you this week by Tim DeLaughter of the Polyphonic Spree, and then we're in a rough-ish neighbourhood, in an unmarked car with Peter and his partner, Agent Fundis. Our first introduction to this guy is when he lets out a loud, painful-sounding burp. Peter bitches that it's gross, but Fundis says he can't help it; he has an acid-reflux problem. Apparently the grossness of his burps is what kicks off the raid is that Peter can't stand to sit in the car with him any longer, and radios that they should move out.
And move out they do. It's all very macho until an agent busts down the door and finds, inside, a very sedate Koran study group, led by Joseph. Peter, totally confounded, asks what the fuck is going on, and Joseph pompously tells him to curtail his foul language while he's in a place of worship. Peter asks where Heylia is, and we see one of the white-shrouded heads rise up, and Heylia, in costume, submissively comes over, keeping her eyes downcast. Joseph instructs Peter not to address her directly; now that she's embraced Islam, it's no longer her custom to converse with unfamiliar men. Peter, after a beat, tells his dudes to search the place. Joseph does not look scared. Fundis sarcastically congratulates him on a nice bust, burping again. Guy, please get some Tums. I think I smelled that one from here.
In her master bath, Nancy is in her nightie, shaving her legs in the tub. Do women actually do this? What's so wrong with shaving in the shower? How do you stand shaving when the lather's all, like, dry? Doesn't it reduce your drag coefficient and give you a bumpy shave? I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU. Anyway, Peter busts in and, surprising Nancy, causes her to jerk her razor and give herself a giant cut. He asks if she thinks this is a game, and demands to know whether she told Heylia herself, or if she got her "boy" to do it. Nancy says that Heylia's always been straight with her. They go back and forth, each telling the other, "I gave you the Armenians!" There's a long (beautiful) silence, and then Peter says the obvious: that this isn't working. He also says they both know what needs to be done. Nancy says she doesn't. Peter: "One of us needs to quit her job." Nancy asks why it has to be her. Peter condescendingly says that "'drug dealer' is not a career." "Then why do I make more money than you?" asks Nancy. Touché. Peter says that she got into dealing because she had no other choice, but now he's offering her one: "Marry me. For real. Mail in the certificate. Tell your kids. Be my wife." "How romantic," says Nancy. He tells her she'll have to forgive her if he doesn't spread rose petals at her feet, and Nancy, after a moment, says she thinks he should leave. Peter tells her to have a nice fucking day. You guys, I don't think he actually means it.
Outside, Shane watches Peter get into his car, getting a nice big eyeful of his DEA windbreaker.
Heylia's. Joseph's crew is clearing out when Heylia comes over to thank him. Joseph kindly says that the enemy of his enemy is his friend, and as they share a wistful look, he adds that it's a shame. Heylia agrees, but says that, with all the rules, she couldn't keep it up for long. With a parting "Salaam aleikum" and a kiss to Heylia's forehead, Joseph takes his leave. Vaneeta comes in, reading some crazy shit, from one of Joseph's pamphlets, about how a black scientist created all the white people, and then a spaceship-- Heylia very intensely tells Vaneeta that she needs to be quiet for ten minutes. Aw.
A guy from Victor's crew is back at the grow house, having just turned the kitchen island into a gigantic safe. They're going to keep their ready-to-sell harvest there; only Conrad and Nancy will know the combination -- five digits. He takes off for a second, and Nancy suggests 6-2-6-2-9: it's "Nancy" as spelled on a phone keypad. Conrad tells her that someone will guess it: "And no kids' birthdays, either." Nancy immediately has an idea and leans over to set it.
And, at school, Shane is also dealing with a combination lock -- this one on his locker -- when Gretchen comes over and says hi. She wastes no time in confirming that he likes her and wants to be her boyfriend. She declares that she won't be kissing him until her braces come off. Shane's fine with that. Wow, that was hot.
Chez Hodes. Celia bitterly watches Isabelle's commercial. Dean runs in just as it's ended, excitedly asking if she saw it. Celia crabs that at least they got her hair right (indeed, it is curly in the TV spot), and then asks how much money they'll be looking at if the ad goes national. Dean tries to explain to her that "they" aren't entitled to shit -- it's Isabelle's money -- and Celia waves him off, asking for a few thousand dollars to buy some new clothes; she needs them now that she's in the public eye. Dean tells her that's frivolous, but Celia reminds him that he bought a motorcyle and a stupid leather jacket. Dean's like, "Tough." Celia wonders if Nancy will give her a Franklin out of her bra if she asks, like, super-nice.
Andy's making dinner in the kitchen at Nancy's when she comes in. Andy comments that she looks frazzled, but they don't really pursue, because Shane bursts in to let them both know he kicks ass: not only does he have a girlfriend, but he was elected by his peers to speak at the graduation ceremony. Nancy and Andy are stunned and thrilled for him, but once he's taken off to go work on his speech, Nancy asks whether they're worried that the other kids are setting him up so they can mock him. Andy says they're laughing with him now: "They think he's cool, ever since he took up your cause. Nancy doesn't know what cause that would be, so Andy explains: "Go, drugs! Rah rah rah!" Best Homecoming ever. Nancy claims that Shane doesn't know what she does, but Andy replies, "Keep clinging to that raft."
City Council meeting. It's super-boring. Celia deals with a motion that a Walter Stringer has raised, to build a family room on his house, and Celia recites the zoning law for which he's seeking a variance. Or whatever. But Doug enters just then, Sun Chips in hand, and corrects Celia on which law they're talking about. He also announces that Walter isn't building a family room; it'll be "a giant garage for his boat," and will "cut off all the light to his neighbour's dining room." Doug advises Celia to read the plans, noting that family rooms don't have concrete floors, nor doors that are operated by remote control. And it's why so many families break up, I fear. Walter bitterly reminds Doug that he isn't in charge anymore, and Doug says Walter should be glad he isn't, because Doug would have thrown him out, and calls him a "cheap-ass" for not paying for a marine slip. Celia tells Doug he's out of order, and then votes for Walter to spite Doug. However, Celia's the only one, and Walter's motion is denied. "FUCK YOU, WILSON!" screams Walter as he stomps out. Doug tells him to go play with his dinghy. Heh. Celia starts bitching about the lights, and Doug tells her they need them for the public-access feeds, ruefully adding that "no one looks good in hi-def." Celia starts to scold Doug about the rules of the meeting, but as a tech starts messing with the lights, sweeping the spotlight back and forth in her face, she loses it and tells him to cool it with "the fucking lights!" Doug reminds her that she has to watch her language. Celia says that she knows what he and everyone else is doing, but that she doesn't need them to like her. Doug suggests that they put it to a vote: "All those who don't like Celia, say 'aye.'" Everyone "aye"s, and Doug says that the public has spoken. Heh, ouch. But then, loathsome people shouldn't run for public office. I learned that last night at Frost/Nixon.
Nancy's playing a videogame (...huh) when Silas enters and reminds her that it's almost Judah's birthday. Nancy says she thinks they'll scale back the celebration this year. Andy asks what they did the year before, and Silas recaps: ate his favorite food, watched his favorite movies, busted a piñata. Nancy suggests doing something less than an all-day celebration. Silas asks why, and Nancy hoarsely says that she doesn't know if she could take it. Silas, pissed, stomps out, but Andy tries to mediate by suggesting doing all the same things they did last year, plus lapdances. But then what will they have left to do for Andy's birthday?
After the meeting, Celia's going out to her car when Doug comes and puts a hand on her shoulder. Celia goes crazy hitting him, first with her bag and then, her hands. She freaks that she never should have done this, and that everyone hates her. She spits that he should have just put in the stoplight. He protests that he was going to; he just couldn't resist fucking with her because she was being such a "bitchface" about it. Doug says that Council meetings were the only thing in his life he could get through without getting baked, and that Celia took that away from him. She asks how he knew about the boat garage, and he reminds her that everything in government is motivated by self-interest, and that she should remember that. Jesus, who knows that better than Celia? She thanks him, and is gathering her things when Doug turns back and suggests that she bring vodka to the meeting. He explains that they don't have to like her; they do like a good buzz. I think Celia can probably rustle up a bottle of Grey Goose -- you know, for the sake of Agrestic. Celia thinks he's just trying to set her up, like he did by showing up that night, but Doug says he just didn't have anything else to do. Go spend your money, man! Get a right-hand ring!
Nancy's. Andy is clipping his toenails and leaving the shards for the Roomba to pick up. Nancy comes by, asking Andy to take the kids shopping for "JudahFest," and he agrees, since it's in his job description as an assistant/nanny. He has estimated that he'll have paid Nancy back everything he owes her with his trip to the dry cleaner. They bicker back and forth about the bills Nancy's still getting from the yeshiva, but finally, she says that there'll be another harvest in a couple of weeks, and that she'll put Andy back on the payroll. Andy tries to play hardball, asking for more than Sanjay, but when Nancy refuses, he folds like a card table. Nancy hugs him and welcomes him back to the team. I hope he's not supposed to be the place kicker.
Supermarket. The Botwins are picking out candy for the piñata. Shane picks up some jelly beans, and Silas crabs that Judah hated those. Andy says that the only candy Judah really liked was Almond Joy bars. Shane skips off to get some, and then Andy is distracted by a display of kosher food, sighing, "Yael." Silas asks what Judah was like before he met Nancy, and Andy said he smelled worse. He goes on: Judah was the golden boy to Andy's black sheep. He did everything right. But then, after college, he went through a "tortured-artist" phase -- not a painter, but a performance artist. His performances sound pretty douchey, and Silas asks why Judah did it. Andy cheerfully says that it was to get laid -- and it worked; he met Nancy when he hired her to dance barefoot in his "Feet Me In St. Louis" installation. Anyway, Nancy wanted kids, and Judah realized he sucked, so eventually he took his engineering degree, got a real job, and moved to the suburbs. Silas bitches that he's never getting married: "Marriage is death." Andy condescends that he's a bit young to have reached that conclusion. Shane asks why Andy isn't married. "Because marriage is death," says Andy. Well, marriage to Yael very well might have ended up that way.
Doug's office. Over martinis, Celia's getting the rundown from Doug on all the council members' secret corruptions. They wrap it up, Celia musing that she never knew there was such a method to Doug's madness. She moves for the door, and there's an awkward moment as they realize they're both leaving, and should they go out together, or not go out together, but it is lunchtime, and Doug knows this great new Mongolian barbecue place, and before you know it, Doug is making out with Celia. They break the kiss, both shocked that it even happened, but shortly Doug says that he has condoms in his desk. Celia asks whether he has herpes, or warts. Doug says he's clean, and asks about Celia. She says she's clean, too, and has had her tubes tied: "Fuck the condoms." "Great!" says Doug.
Moments later, Doug's sweeping everything off his desk and giving Celia a good rogering. Judging by Celia's moaning, Doug knows what he's doing, but he abruptly breaks his pace to ask whether this isn't just some elaborate scheme for her to get control of Isabellele's money. Celia, in turn, asks if it isn't a scheme for him to get back at Doug. They agree that they neither know what this is all about, nor do they care. Let the fucking continue!
The Botwins, plus Lupita, are watching Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory when the doorbell rings. Surprise, it's Peter. Nancy tries to get rid of him, but he won't be deterred, so she pops back in to say she needs to help him with something and will be right back. Once she's gone, Silas pouts that Peter would show up like that on Judah's birthday. Shane tells the room that Peter's a DEA agent. Andy and Silas are incredulous, but Shane tells them about the windbreaker: "He's Mom's boyfriend, isn't he." Yes...and no.
Outside, Nancy tells Peter that she really needs to get back. He says he doesn't want to keep her, but that he didn't want their last conversation to be their last conversation; he was mad. Nancy says she knows he was, and that he had a right to be. Peter says he just wants to be with her; Nancy's not so sure. Hearing noises inside, she says again that this isn't the right time for this conversation. Peter asks when will be the right time, and Nancy replies, "When it isn't my dead husband's birthday." Peter: "Fair enough." 'Cause, really, that's a trump card you can't beat.
When Nancy comes back inside, Lupita catches her up on what she missed: Shane smashed the cake and ran upstairs after hearing that Peter was Nancy's boyfriend; Silas ran outside after he heard that Peter was a DEA agent; Andy ran upstairs to get high. Thanks, Peter.
Nancy goes out to the patio, where Silas is very angrily bouncing a basketball off the wall over and over. She demands that he talk to her, and he obliges, saying that she's fucking crazy to date Peter. Nancy says that Peter knows about her business, and Silas surmises that Peter's a crooked DEA agent. Nancy says that Peter protects her business; he says that he can't do anything to her. Silas says that he could arrest her. Nancy doesn't really have a comeback for that (since, marriage certificate or no, IT IS THE TRUTH), so she swears him to secrecy, and then tells him about the marriage. Silas freaks out, given that it's Judah's birthday, and Nancy tells him to quit playing the dead dad card: the wrong parent died, but tough shit. Silas stomps off (this is why you don't buy teenagers cars, people!), Nancy calling impotently after him to come back and watch "Willy fucking Wonka!" Left alone, Nancy grabs a handy baseball bad and destroys the piñata, out of which falls only fun size Almond Joys. Surely a choice of candy would have been what Judah wanted?