Maestro Charles Barnett gives us a stately symphonic arrangement of "Little Boxes," and then we're in the bathroom at Nancy's, as Megan gets ready to take a pee test. Out in her room, Nancy and Silas sit on her bed. Silas says that Megan's already taken a bunch of tests, but Nancy declares that she'll be taking another one. Silas says that Nancy's humiliating Megan; Nancy doesn't care. Megan comes out, sadly saying she can't pee. Nancy says (and mimes) that Megan should drink some water. When she returns to the john, Nancy asks Silas how this happens. Silas says she doesn't want to know, but when Nancy presses him, he spins a yarn: it was three weeks ago, in his room, doggie-style; when he pulled out, the condom was gone, Megan has really strong muscles.... Nancy finally cuts him off, and Silas reminds her that she asked, and wanted to be the "cool mom." Nancy replies that there's a long list of things she wants to be; "cool mom" isn't one of them. Megan comes out, brandishing the improbably quick positive pregnancy test, and Silas says he hopes "grandma" is on Nancy's list. Well, then they'd have to call it "GILFweed," and that doesn't make any sense.
Lot. Dean is with Isabelle, getting ready for her Huskeroos audition. She's nervous, but Dean tells her she'll be great; she doesn't seem convinced as an assistant calls her name and she heads inside. At this point, Celia rolls up. Dean bitches that she's late, and Celia reminds him that she's running for elected office. Dean tells her he has a job interview, which they need him to get so that they can afford her campaign. Celia asks who's rejecting him today, but instead of answering, Dean orders her to make sure that Isabelle leaves the audition with "a modicum of self-esteem." You...couldn't have lined up a kindly maid, or nailgun-wielding meth addict, who'd be more likely to accomplish this goal than Celia? Anyway, he takes off, and Celia sits down to a pleasantly chubby mom, sitting with her dour-looking obese son. Chubby Mom tells Celia that Isabelle's inside now. Celia sarcastically says that's fantastic. Chubby Mom offers maple bars, but Celia declines, saying that she's getting a corn syrup contact high just sitting to them. She picks up a clipboard and starts reading off some of the audition lines, like "I'm comfortable in my skin" and "Good things come in big packages." Chubby Mom smiles approvingly, but Celia's read more than enough.
Celia storms inside, throwing open the door to the audition room in time to see Isabelle jumping up and down on a mini-trampoline, reciting, "Huskeroo lets you be you!" "ISABELLE," says Celia sharply. "Mom," says Isabelle, deflated. "She's fantastic," says the director. Isabelle shoots Celia a triumphant smirk. Get that little Tyra-to-be a maple bar, Mom! Now she's got to eat like a pro.
Grow house. Conrad has drawn a helpful diagram to indicate where they are on the street, and which of their neighbours are Armenian-run grow houses. Of ten houses on the block, four (plus Nancy's) are being used as pot grow houses. Doug, always on point, asks to smell Conrad's Sharpie. Andy gets off on a tangent about dry-erase markers, earning him a Sharpie to the head. Conrad tries to put things in perspective: they've just "opened a Burger King in the middle of fucking McDonald's," except that Ronald isn't a happy clown; he's an angry clown who wants to cut their dicks off and mail them in four directions: "We're buck naked in front of George Bush, with our dick in his daughter's mouth." Must be Tuesday! Nancy calls a halt to all the dick talk. Sanjay pulls a lighter out of his pocket, suggesting that those other houses might accidentally burn down. Nancy impatiently disarms him. Conrad tells "Lacy" that they need to pack the plants in soil and move them somewhere else. Neither Lacy nor Nancy is down with this plan. Conrad says that she must not have heard him, but she did: "Dicks and McDonald's." She blithely says that they have as much right to grow pot in their rental house as the Armenians do, and promises that she'll take care of it. She grabs her bag and takes off, leaving Doug to get Sharpie all over his nose, transported via sense memory back to "Bridgeport, Connecticut -- lifeguarding." Apparently, he had some good times under his zinc oxide.
On Megan's front step, Silas has his arms around her and is finger-spelling proposed names for their baby: Charlie. Lawrence. Ellen. Megan fondly watches, and then tells Silas she wants to talk to her parents by herself. Silas, dismayed, agrees, and tells her to text-message him as soon as she's done. Megan kisses him, and heads inside with a sad smile. And, I mean. Princeton. Connect the dots, Silas.
Nancy has taken Conrad's neighbourhood diagram to a coffee date with Peter. He asks her to explain what he's looking at, and she says that she's opening another "bakery." He's not sure how she would open a bakery on a residential cul-de-sac, and she explains that it's a special bakery, in the sense that they won't actually be baking anything. Peter asks what they'll be doing there if not baking, and with a giddy smile, Nancy confides, "I grow." When she sees that Peter is not as impressed by this revelation as Nancy is impressed with herself, her face falls. Peter takes a loud, obnoxious, Nancy-esque sip of his iced coffee, slams the cup on the table, and says that it's a visionary idea. "You're mad?" Nancy guesses. "Something like that," Peter confirms. After a moment, he asks what the circles denote. "Other visionaries," Nancy tells him. "Hostile visionaries." Slurp. Nancy's wondering what Peter's thinking about this. Peter slurps back (you guys? You're done with your drinks), and says he's thinking this wasn't one of his vows. "Silas got his girlfriend pregnant," says Nancy. "Doggie-style. They're telling her parents today. I should be at home, waiting for him, but I can't, because I have this problem. I have fires in two houses, Mr. Botwin." Off Peter's dubious squint, Nancy corrects herself -- "Mr. Scottson" -- and smiles winningly. Closing his eyes against the giant migraine Nancy's just given him, Peter says he has to get back to work, snatching up the map as he goes. "Go be a mom," he orders. Seems like people need to tell Nancy that more often when she's making decisions that put herself and her children in potentially mortal danger. I mean, I'm just saying. And so is Mary-Louise Parker. Heh.
At home, Silas has his headphones on, his feet in the pool, and his Sidekick in hand. Nancy comes out with some lunch -- cheese-laden comfort food, the best kind. She asks how it went, and Silas explains how Megan wanted to talk to her parents alone, but hasn't messaged him yet. Nancy points out that she's "probably dealing with a lot." Silas says that her parents may have taken her phone, and Nancy agrees that's possible. She sticks her legs in the pool, commenting that the water's nice. Really, one of the tragedies of this show is how no one ever swims in the pool. If I had a pool I would swim every day! Between the beautiful shower and the beautiful pool, these people really take their water resources for granted. Anyway, Silas says that he told Shane and Andy about the baby. Nancy is a bit surprised; she asks if Silas wants to talk, but he's already put his headphones back on. Seeing that their conversation is over, Nancy gets up, patting Silas on the shoulder, and slowly heads back inside. Silas has his Sidekick back in his hands, and we see him write, "What about Levi?"
Cut to Megan, checking her email at home. She has fifty-nine messages, nearly all of which appear to be from Silas. "What about Levi?" "Talia?" "Joel?" "Mac?" "Sadie?" Megan's face crumples, and she highlights all her mail and deletes it. If it's any consolation to our more romantic viewers, it looks like her decision to get rid of Silas's messages is agonizing.
Shane's school. In study hall, Shane is in the process of turning around his image among his classmates by regaling him with the story of his encounter with Jade (formerly Miss Saigon) -- and, unlike his little friends' tales of handjobs, his story's actually true. Gretchen, a girl sitting at a nearby desk, shushes them, and the redheaded junior frat boy responds by farting at her. Shane adds that he "got some" on his knee and that Jade wiped it off with a warm towel. Gretchen registers her disgust again, and gets another fart in the face for her efforts. She gets up and stomps off. "Bitches gotta learn," says O'Doyle. Shane offers to show them what Jade looks like, and pulls up the website for "Oriental Play." He then uses the school's equipment to print off her photo...which, of course, is when Principal Dodge shows up and claps a meaty hand on Shane's shoulder, while his cohorts haul ass out of there.
Back at Nancy's, Andy is making my earlier rant about the pool's disuse seem foolish by enjoying a floatie and a bong. For once, his shiftlessness works in his favour, as he ends up being the one to take the call from Shane's school.
In his office, Principal Dodge tells Andy that they have reason to believe Shane was "abused" by a masseuse. "Here at school?" asks Andy. Dodge impatiently corrects him as to what he overheard Shane telling his friends. Andy disbelievingly asks what sort of man would bring a kid to a massage parlour, and Dodge theorizes that a morally bankrupt degenerate would. Andy, pulling open his shirt to reveal his Star of David, asks if that's what Dodge pulled him out of yeshiva to tell him. Dodge seems chastened. Andy goes into a big old BS tale about the yeshiva philosophy. Dodge is like, "What?" Andy says that Shane made it all up. He's trying to look cool in front of his friends; he's going through changes. Dodge doesn't know what sort of changes Andy means, so Andy whispers that Shane's been masturbating. He says that surely Dodge remembers what that period of his life was like. You're alone, under the covers, your hand travels down... Dodge, in a reveries, embroiders that it's Hallowe'en, and your father is there, in a bee costume, watching you. ¡No es bueno! Andy snaps him out of it, and Dodge asks him to confirm, straight up, that he didn't take Shane to a massage parlour. Andy guffaws that he took Shane to a Chinese restaurant! Oh, who knows how kids come up with this stuff. Dodge says that they'll let Shane off with a warning, and Andy promises that all that business with the dad and the bee costume will be forgotten. Hee.
Sitting side by side at a table, Celia (using an alias), Pam, and Nancy cold-call voters about Celia's campaign. Nancy, drawing on her hand, somnolently asks her potential voter whether he or she wants Agrestic to be a drug-free community. Celia scolds her to "put a little perk in [her] pitch," and Nancy -- always one to take constructive criticism with an open mind -- gets up and stomps off. Left alone, Pam places another call: "Could I speak to Mr. Fuck Hughson?" Awesome callback.
In the kitchen, Nancy mumbles that she "can't do this." Celia defends that they're just letting people know about the debate. Nancy calls Celia on her use of a pseudonym, and Celia spins that she can't just say it's her: "That would be too--" "Honest?" guesses Nancy. "Leading," says Celia. She claims that they're trying to let the voters decide for themselves. Nancy crabs that this explanation is "only marginally delusional." Celia bitches that there's no gun to Nancy's head: "If you can't make time for the pressing problems of greater Agrestic--" Nancy jumps into this opening, saying that she can't make time; she has problems at home. As Nancy takes another couple of steps out the door, Celia, her tone getting softer, asks what kinds of problems, and whether Nancy wants to talk about them. Nancy says that she really doesn't; she just wants to get home. Celia says that she tells Nancy all about her husband's unemployment, and her daughter becoming "the face of America's trans fat," and pleads with Nancy to open up to her. "Celia," sighs Nancy. "Aren't we friends?" presses Celia. Nancy says she just wants to go. "You can't even say it," grits Celia. "You don't want to be my friend." Nancy, losing her patience, tells Celia that not everything is about her. She turns, takes a couple more steps, but doesn't get far, as Celia reaches out and wraps her fist in a big fat chunk of Nancy's hair. Nancy turns, shocked that this actually just happened to her, and Celia orders, "Be my friend!" Nancy shrieks at Celia to get off her, but Celia won't be denied, and the two women spin in circles, Nancy begging Celia to release her, and Celia begging right back for Nancy to be her friend. It's...um, hilarious. Celia is fucking crazy, but if anyone was so fixated on my being her friend that she went to these lengths to make her point, I would at least be flattered. Finally, Celia releases Nancy, who spins into the foyer. "Selfish!" spits Celia. "Selfish! Selfish!" Nancy stares back at her in horror (and pain, probably, because that shit smarts), and staggers out. Pam emerges from the dining room and fondly tells Celia, "You two are just like sisters!" Ha! So true.
Grow house. Dean is holding a pair of rabbit ears over his head, trying to get a signal on the crappy old TV. Doug wanders in, and Dean asks how Doug pulled the night shift when he has a debate with Celia the day. Doug is like, "Oh right, that. What's on the boob?" Dean very seriously tells him that Celia's been practising all week. Doug says she's wasting her time, since no one goes -- besides which, Doug is great at debates. He challenges Dean to test him. Dean asks a question about zoning laws. Doug: "[juicy fart] question?" Ha! Maybe more people would go to debates if that's how they went down. Dean asks if Doug isn't worried, and Doug replies that he isn't, since no one likes Celia -- including Dean himself. At the debate, he could "take a shit on one of those Make-a-Wish cancer kids" and people would still vote for him, because they hate Celia so much. Dean says that Doug almost makes him feel bad for Celia. Doug suggests that Dean tell Celia that: "Maybe she'll fuck you. See? I'm on your side, buddy! Vote for me!" Doug tries a few tai chi poses and manages to get an old cartoon dubbed into Spanish -- for about a second, until all the power goes out. In the dark, we hear Dean ask, "Do you think it's the circuit breaker?" Doug: "[juicy fart] question." Hee hee hee.
In her kitchen, Heylia's impatiently telling Conrad to zip her up, but he protests that she needs to inhale more. She crabs that she isn't that fat: "Put some backbone into it!" Conrad successfully gets her into her dress, and then there's a knock at the door. Heylia, all aflutter, says, "That's him!" and orders Conrad to get her the vanilla extract: "He likes baked goods!" She dabs a little behind her ears and on her knees and then poses like she's just casually hanging out. Vaneeta comes around the corner, followed by Nancy. Heylia relaxes, disappointed. Nancy sits and asks for some coffee, and Heylia sends Conrad to get her some. "Make it black," adds Nancy. "She likes it black, Conrad," says Heylia pointedly. "Late night?" asks Vaneeta. "Helping my friend Lacy out," says Nancy, making sure not to look at Conrad. "Some kids in her neighbourhood took a hand axe to her electrical cables. Had to drive over there and figure out how to hook up a generator." Conrad sharply watches the back of her head, getting her coffee. Vaneeta disgustedly asks where Lacy lives. "Gardendale," says Nancy. Conrad mutters that she needs to move, and Nancy quietly says that Lacy's coming around to that view herself. Heylia scolds Conrad for talking to Nancy, and Conrad clowns like a servile butler. Nancy changes the subject by asking about the picnic basket open on the table. Heylia says she's the one having a picnic, and Nancy muses that it's been ages since she's been on one. She sips her coffee: "Oh, God, that's good." Her phone rings as Heylia and Vaneeta prepare Nancy's order; evidently Nancy's call is urgent, because she makes to leave in a big hurry. Nancy demands her order now, but Vaneeta says it's going to be a while, so Nancy says she'll come back for it later. I hope it Vaneeta hasn't doused it in sneezers by then.
Nancy pulls up to Megan's house to find Silas bleeding on the front lawn, a living-room window broken in the house behind him. Crying, he asks what took Nancy so long. She asks what happened to his face, and he says he just wanted to talk to Megan. She hasn't been to school in two days: "They took her to a clinic!" He says that she isn't answering messages, and repeats that he just wanted to talk to her: "And he hit me!" Nancy, getting all mother bear, demands to know who hit him. "I did," says Megan's silver fox of a father, coming out the front door. Nancy advances on him, in total disbelief that he hit Silas, but Megan's dad says that Silas put his foot through a window, grabbed a piece of glass, and stabbed Megan's dad in the arm with it, so Megan's dad stabbed him in retaliation. Nancy isn't pleased to hear this part, but when Silas says nothing in his own defense, Megan's dad orders Nancy to keep Silas away from Megan: "Your son's a fucking loser." "You taught me how to drive!" quavers Silas. Nancy tells Silas to get into the car. Once he's shut the door, she turns back to Megan's dad: "He just wanted to talk to her. What's the big fucking deal?" Megan's dad says that until Silas came along, he had a "decent, respectable daughter"; post-Silas, she smoked pot, did Ecstasy, and had an abortion. Must be Wednesday! "She was the blowjob queen of Dewey Street!" Nancy replies...and she should really be glad that Megan can't hear her talk like that. Megan's dad calls Nancy a shitty parent, and she tells him that if he lays a hand on Silas again, she'll kill him, punctuating the threat by shoving him away from her, by his face. He tells her she should leave, and she staggers off obligingly. As Nancy gets in the driver's seat, Silas looks up at the window to see Megan looking out at him sadly. Silas swipes at his tears and tells Nancy to drive.
Debate. We join it as Celia's offering her final statement, promising that a vote for her is a vote for change, and that she'll be everything Doug is not: "Active. Committed. Engaged. ACE." She gives a super-white thumb up, and the audience -- all six people in it, per Doug's prediction -- applauds. The moderator asks for Doug's final statement, but he says he's fine. This earns an even bigger round of applause. Hee.
Grow house. It's Sanjay's turn to try to get a picture on the TV. Andy enters, and asks what the humming sound is. He says that it's the generators, and explains about the Armenians cutting the power supply. Andy says that wasn't very neighbourly of them, but Sanjay explains that they're a historically put-upon people: "It's not neighbourly, but it is understandable." Andy asks what he's doing, and Sanjay explains about the technique for getting Channel 12. Channel 34 -- infomercials -- comes in without any contortions. As he prepares to leave, Sanjay announces that he bought a pair of diamonique earrings for Nancy. Off Andy's look, Sanjay corrects himself: "I mean my mother." Either way, they're lucky, lucky women.
Once Sanjay's gone, Andy turns the TV to 34 and settles down with a bowl. But before he can get it lit, we can hear sirens, and Sanjay darts back inside, breathlessly saying that there are cops everywhere: "It's a raid!" Andy springs into action, saying that they need to get rid of everything. The first stop: hiding all the plants. He orders Sanjay to turn the lights on. Sanjay says that it'll screw up the plants' growing cycle, and that Conrad said never to turn the lights on. "Fuck Conrad!" shrieks Andy. The lights come on, and are, of course, WAY too bright. He starts tearing plants out of pots, and races to the bathroom to try to flush them. He orders Sanjay to carry on, and says that he has to save the mother. And then, pretty much, that's what happens. Except for how the plants won't flush. Sanjay prays over the toilet, which does not stop the bowl from overflowing. Andy locates the plant, pulls it out of its pot, and heads for a closet, but Sanjay beats him to it, leaping inside to hide. These people need to go to ready.gov and come up with an emergency plan.
Morning at Nancy's. Botwins, minus Andy, eat cereal. After a long silence, Shane says that they had a pregnant hamster at school last year. Silas visibly wilts. Shane adds that Denny Corwin stuck a pencil up its butt and later it had dead babies: "It's kind of like an abortion." There's uncomfortable silence for a few moments, and then Silas huffs, "Fuck you. It wasn't a hamster." He stalks off. After another few moments, Nancy tells Shane she doesn't want him playing with Denny Corwin anymore. Heh.
Nancy sends Shane off to get ready for school, and once he's gone, the phone rings. She picks up, and on the other end, it's Peter, telling her he has a gift for her, and she should turn on Channel 8. Nancy obliges, just in time to see a news package on the raids of...every other grow house in her neighbourhood, including b-roll of Peter arresting Keshisyan. Nancy goggles. The reporter on the scene says that Agent Peter Scottson of the DEA led the raids, and turns to interview him. This part is live, and Peter takes his phone away from his ear to speak to the reporter. Nancy laughs in delighted disbelief. Peter somewhat pompously tells the reporter that gated communities can provide the perfect cover for drug operations, but can also be useful for raids, since the gates keep people out, but also keep people in. The reporter exposits that, in this case, they kept in an Armenian drug cartel. Peter wouldn't use "cartel," adding -- while addressing the camera directly -- that this Gardendale neighbourhood is not a drug-free zone. Peter turns back around, smirking, and into his phone, says that he was looking for the perfect gift to give his wife, and decided to give her a neighbourhood. I hope it goes with her shoes. Also? Better than anything made of diamonique. Nancy calls "Mr. Botwin" "very thoughtful," and Peter rejoins that "Mrs. Scottson" is "very beautiful." I don't know what Conrad's so worried about; clearly, this is a completely symbiotic relationship.