Kate & Anna McGarrigle do a French cover of "Little Boxes" (Petites Boîtes?), and then we're with the Hodes campaign. Celia pulls some buttons and pamphlets out of the trunk of her car, and then crabs to Nancy that the only family in the neighbourhood to do something original chose "...this": a lawn full of "classical" statues, including one of the wolf nursing Romulus and Remus at her teats, plunked smack down right in the middle of the front lawn. It's spectacular. Celia says that if she's elected, she'll push through a fine for people like this, and keep levying it until they can't pay their mortgages. On that note, Nancy heads off to "tell the neighbours how enlightened" Celia is.
Celia goes to the front door behind the sculpture garden, tells the pretty young woman inside how much she loves the statuary, and tries to give her a pamphlet. The homeowner won't even take it, saying that she's going to vote for Doug. Celia, disgusted, asks why, and the woman replies that she approves of Doug's slogan: "Change just brings problems." She closes the door on Celia, who mutters, "Fucking immigrants."
In the driveway, Celia checks in with Nancy. The people Nancy approached are Doug loyalists, too, but Nancy tells Celia not to worry: like most Americans, they probably won't vote. Up the block, Isabel, standing with a woman, calls Celia over. Nancy drifts off, wondering if she can get away with only hitting one door today.
Celia introduces herself to Isabel's new friend, a Lane Cassidy. Celia warmly introduces herself, thinking Lane's curious about her candidacy, but Lane is interested in Isabel: "She's perfect." Celia suspiciously asks what she's perfect for. "Modelling," says Lane excitedly. Celia narrows her eyes and spits that Lane is "just cruel." She tries to usher Isabel away, but Lane explains that she works for Huskeroos. Ignoring Isabel's excitement, Celia announces that Isabel will not be modelling "fat clothes." "They're just roomier!" chirps Lane. Celia is still unconvinced, but Lane cheerfully hands over her card anyway. I love that they called the brand "Huskeroos," too. In Canada, there's a plus-size chain called "MXM," which...really?
Anyway, Celia and Isabel start fighting while, down the block, Nancy and her ubiquitous iced coffee beverage are getting a call from Peter. He wants to get together that night, but Nancy cute-complains that he's not giving her enough notice. There's an outdated reference to The Rules, and then one date gets nixed because Nancy has Movie Night with Shane, and another because Peter's going undercover for a week. He tells her that when he comes back, she's going to date him. "Yes sir," she agrees, and they hang up.
Back to the Hodeses. Isabel declares that she wants to model. Celia tells her to get an eating disorder and they'll talk about it. Isabel demands a ride back to school, and Celia tells her to run there -- then maybe she won't get approached by strangers to model plus-size clothes. Isabel stomps off, and Celia catches up with Nancy and moves on to interrogating her, asking if the call was from a guy. Nancy wearily dodges the question, and Celia clarifies that she hopes it was a dude -- she thinks it's about time Nancy started dating. She starts throwing out options from the neighbourhood, but Nancy rejects them as being too old, gross, or gay. Celia says that the options for women their age are limited, and instead of correcting her, Nancy asks how things are going with Dean. Celia, resigned, says that he's a loser, and built like a Cadbury Creme Egg covered in hair. Worst Easter ever. But, on the plus side, Dean is tidy and has a good job.
As far as Celia knows! In fact, Dean is in the process of wheeling a chair from his office, having been let go. He corrects the security guard who tries to stop him, saying that he bought the chair himself, but fortunately, in order to feel like a big man, the security guard can still demand Dean's parking pass back. As looky-loos watch, Dean calls everyone in the lobby "fucking fucker fucks!" Or something. The security guard tries to shut him up, but Dean will not be silent: "Cheap-ass corporate cocksucking cocks!" Dean bellows that he'll be filing a wrongful-termination suit, unleashing another torrent of profanity for good measure. The security guard gets in Dean's face again, so Dean turns on him, saying he knows how the guy breaks into everyone's office at night and rubs his disgusting-- Well, that's all we hear, because Dean gets tasered in the neck for his troubles. As his former colleagues take cell-phone photos, Dean collapses on the lobby couch. I would totally be taking photos too, and so would you.
At school, Shane tries to go to the bathroom, but some big bruiser keeps him from going to the urinals. As he dances back and forth, a couple of wags by the sinks talk about who's done what (handjobs are no big deal, apparently). Neither of these commentators seem willing to believe that Shane has had any sexual experience, since he can't even find someone to eat lunch with. Shane takes off in distress.
Nancy has been provided some excellent Canadian ID -- a Quebec driver's license and a SIN card (that's the Canadian equivalent of a Social Security card, y'all) in the name of Lacy LaPlante. "Why not just call me 'Mary Jane Dealer'?" complains Nancy. Conrad says that, if anything, they'll think she's a stripper. I mean, honestly. No one Nancy's age was named "Lacy" at birth. Anyway, Conrad tells her it'll be fine.
Nancy heads into the office of Southland Power And Energy, and rolls up to the totally over-it desk clerk. Nancy says that she set up her account over the phone, and came in to pay the deposit in cash. The clerk asks for her driver's license and "Social," and Nancy hands over what she has. The clerk suspiciously inspects the ID, and says she doesn't know if she can accept them. Nancy says that she just moved to town from Canada -- "eh" -- doesn't have local ID (been there -- suck it, Commerce Bank, and your unwillingness to accept our Canadian passports and the deed to our apartment as proof that we really do live here!), and needs power by the day. The clerk bitches that Nancy can miss Oprah for one day, and Nancy improvises that her husband's on a ventilator and that his MedEvac arrives the day. The clerk, chastened, says that she'll see what she can do, and quietly says she's sorry about Nancy's husband. Nancy chalks up his injury to hockey -- a forward from Moose Jaw checked him so hard, he broke Mr. LaPlante's sternum: "That's when they found the cancer." She says they moved to the area to be closer to a specialist. The clerk further apologizes for the crack about Oprah, and Nancy says that if the clerk gives her power, they'll call it even. The clerk smiles. Go Lacy, you effortless liar!
Out in the car, Nancy enjoys the rush, telling Conrad that Lacy is a fucking bad-ass. Eh!
Grow house. Andy excitedly tells Doug that he found a hookah in the closet. As they fire it up, Doug says that Mr. Ivakian was always inviting him over to share a hookah, but Doug thought he was a pervert; turns out he was just a "party brother." Andy asks what Doug would wish for if there were a genie in the hookah. Doug spins a yarn about an amazing Chinese restaurant he went to once in San Francisco, with unbelievable General Tso's chicken; he'd wish to fuck the hostess. Andy says that he'd wish for $180 billion. Doug is surprised that Andy would choose cash over ass, but Andy rejoins that "cash equals ass." Doug marvels that he would choose ass over cash, surmising that he must be even hornier than he thought. Andy asks if things have slowed down with Doug's wife, and Doug says that it used to be intense between them, but now he doesn't know how to ask the woman who makes his kids' lunches to suck his balls, or "spread her ass open like a geometry compass." Andy says he doesn't like this game anymore. Apparently Dana doesn't either.
Conrad enters with Nancy and says that they're "good to grow." Andy does a celebratory doobie dance, and Nancy complains that he's already high -- and well before 4:20, too. Andy says that she can't expect him to do manual labour while sober. Conrad explains that they have to keep the grow area pristinely clean. Someone comes to the door, and Andy excitedly says that'll be their DSL installation. Conrad and Nancy freak out on him, reminding him that they are supposed to be practising discretion right now. Conrad asks what name he put on the DSL order, and Andy answers, "Nancy Botwin...shit." Nancy literally kicks him in the ass, and Conrad goes to the door to tell the installer that they've decided that the internet is a fad, and tears up the work order for good measure.
Back inside, Conrad declines a pull at the hookah, saying that they need to get the place ready before Victor comes the day to set up all the equipment. Nancy checks that they trust Victor with the gig, and Conrad says that all the guy does is set up grow-ops; if he busts one, he'll "fuck up his entire livelihood." Conrad starts enthusing about the setup they're getting, and Nancy figures out that they're going over budget. Conrad tells her not to worry, saying that he projects they'll be making $1,000,000 a year in revenue. He tries to brush off her questions about specifics, but finally asks whether she has the cash. "No," says Nancy flatly. As Conrad's face falls, she adds that Lacy might. Lacy's got it all!
As Conrad scolds Nancy for fucking with him like that, another knock comes to the door. Conrad ruefully asks Andy whether that's DirectTV. Andy: "...Probably." Conrad stalks off to get rid of them, but after checking the peephole, he reports, "It's just Dean." He opens the door...and gets clocked square in the face. Dean stands there a second, enjoying the adrenaline spike, but as Conrad straightens back up, looking like he might not scruple to return the favour, Dean gets scared and hurries off. Conrad closes the door and tells Nancy he guesses they're square now. Doug complains that Dean doesn't have to clean. If a roll with Celia excuses you from cleaning a grow house to Conrad's exactly specifications, it's probably worth it. Even if she bit you. Which, let's face it, she probably would.
Apparently around dawn, Shane shoves Andy awake and tells him that everyone in his grade has gotten a handjob. Andy groggily congratulates him, asking how it was, but Shane clarifies that he means everyone except himself. Andy tells him not to worry about it, saying that when Shane wins the Pulitzer Prize, he'll be combing girls out of his moustache. Shane says he can't wait that long, and Andy gets a devilish look and tells Shane not to say Andy isn't a good uncle. Well, SHANE isn't going to say that.
Morning Chez Hodes. Celia is enjoying a mimosa when Dean comes in from the patio, with his briefcase, acting like he's going to work, babbling about the deposition he's going to take even as Celia turns on the answering machine to play a couple of messages from Dean's office, making it clear that he's been let go. Finally, Dean gives up, and says that he was the one to recommend that they downsize: "I gave my life to that firm!" Celia: "How could you do this to me?" Maybe she'd take it better if she knew he'd gone out in a blaze of bridge-burning glory, as Celia would under the same circumstances. You know, if she worked.
Heylia's. The lady of the house is cutting up limes (I think), complaining that Joseph hasn't called. Nancy asks whether he said he was going to, and Heylia says she told him to, and he said he didn't have the number, and Heylia said she was listed. She hasn't left the house for two days, and curses herself for being so pathetic. Nancy giggles that it's cute, and that if Joseph wasn't working for the destruction of the white race, she'd really be rooting for him and Heylia. Hee. Heylia distractedly says that he doesn't mean that stuff, and when Nancy's like, "...Okay," Heylia sighs that she just likes him. Nancy agrees that sometimes you just fall for the wrong person, touched by little things like his smell or the way he carries little packets of tissue in his pocket. Heylia surmises that Nancy is seeing someone, and Nancy makes like she's dating the sexagenarian neighbour Celia had recommended. Heylia says that at least Nancy will be getting some; even if Heylia does get further with Joseph, she won't get a leg over in "Allah knows how long." She adds, "Still, gives you a reason to get dressed in the morning."
And then, to a location with more disrobing than robing: an Asian massage parlour. Which Andy has taken Shane to. Of course. As they sit in the waiting room (with a straitlaced businessdude in a suit reading the Financial Times, hee), Shane asks what happens if the girl doesn't like him. Andy says that he gave her a nice big tip, so she will. Shane asks if he's "getting one" too, and Andy says that he has a date later: "Of course I'm getting one." He explains that it's impossible to stay cool when you're "backed up," and off the businessdude's dirty look, he cracks, "Nice wedding ring, by the way." A lovely, buxom Asian lady appears and asks who's . Andy indicates Shane and says that it's his birthday. The comfort lady refuses to work on a little boy. Andy tries pleading that he's been saving his allowance, but when the practitioner sticks to her guns, Andy calls for Rhea, the madam. A little old lady in a velour tracksuit comes out, giving Andy a big hug. Andy tells Rhea that "Miss Saigon" is turning down work. Miss Saigon says that Shane's a little boy. Rhea prompts Andy to say that Shane's eighteen years old, and has a glandular problem, but Miss Saigon doesn't buy it. Rhea says that if her associate won't perform, there's nothing she could do: "Arthritis," she says, miming the signature motion. Andy's like, "What if--" "Gingivitis," she replies. Ha! Rhea takes off...and Shane starts bawling. Miss Saigon is moved, trying to shut him up by clowning like you would to a baby, but when she gets no results, she relents that she'll take care of him. Shane perks up in a hurry...
...and moments later emerges from the boudoir, a huge smile on his face. Oh, WRONG. Yet, funny. Andy congratulates him on the crying gambit. It is quite effective, I have to say.
Nancy returns home in time to see Silas heading out to see Megan. Nancy apologizes to Lupita for taking all her cleaning supplies, and Lupita fake-complains that Nancy should ask first, because Lupita couldn't get anything done. She asks what Nancy was cleaning, anyway, and Nancy claims it was a homeless shelter: "Made me feel good." Andy and Shane return home, and Nancy complains that he was supposed to help her clean "the homeless shelter." Andy goes along with the ruse, but says he was doing his own good works. Shane, still grinning, says that he has to go take a nap. Nancy asks about their movie date, but Shane condescends, "Mom. I'm tired." "Sweet dreams," says Andy. Oh, I think that's a given. Nancy realizes that she's been stood up, but Andy says he has a date. Nancy shoots Lupita a sidelong glance, apparently decides she wouldn't e the greatest possible company...
...and calls Peter. After flirting that he's not available on such short notice, Peter tells Nancy he could go for a steak. Nancy says that steak is boring; she wants to do something exciting. Bowling?
No -- shooting range. Nancy is a natural, as her target comes back with five shots in the chest. Peter asks if she's sure she's never done this before, and she smirks that he's a good teacher. "Eighteen years on the job," he replies. She asks whether he's ever shot anyone, and he dodges, "Eighteen years on the job." Nancy asks what's to keep anyone in the shooting range from blowing anyone else away. "Death Row?" offers Peter. Nancy accepts that, and then it's Peter's turn, but instead of seeing if he's as big a bad-ass with a pistol as Lacy LaPlante...
...we cut to a restaurant, where Yael is slamming an empty shot glass down on the table. As she and Andy wait for refills, he tells her she has very nice shoulders. Yael counters that they're tarnished, coquettishly turning her right shoulder blade toward him to show the scar from a bullet wound. Andy thinks she was in combat, but she explains, "Israeli men are very macho." They're fine if you bring another woman into bed, but another man is a problem. Andy goes a little green as he asks if her lover shot her. Yael shrugs that if he hadn't, she'd have thought he was "a faggot." Besides which, the sex was amazing that night: "The pain, and the pleasure." Andy looks like he's starting to appreciate that he and Yael aren't remotely in the same league when the round arrives. "L'chaim!" chirps Yael. God, I love her.
Heylia's. Joseph calls! Heylia's delighted to hear from him and asks how he is. He tells her he's conflicted, since one of the hallmarks of his faith is that he must resist the temptations of beautiful women. He asks whether she's available for marriage. Heylia flirts that he moves fast, but Joseph clarifies that he's not asking; he's just checking to see if it's a possibility. Heylia's okay with that too. Just then, a crabby white lady tells Joseph that she's been waiting for two hours, and we pull back to reveal that Joseph works in the baggage office of either a train station or a particularly downmarket airline. Yeah, that would turn me misanthropic, too. I mean, more so. After cursing out the "devil bitch" under his breath, Joseph returns to his call, telling Heylia that anything more than phone calls right now would be unwise. Heylia tartly replies that she'd like to know when he'll be done being wise, because she thinks he's fine and wants to see him face to face. Joseph immediately replies that he'll be there in forty minutes. Hee.
Back at the restaurant, Andy goes in for a kiss, but Yael flinches away. Andy apologizes, saying he thought they were hitting it off. Yael says they were, but then he goes in again, and she rebuffs him again. Andy guesses that it's been too short a time for her since her lover died, but Yael says that she's been with "many men," since it "helps you get over things." Andy says that he's getting mixed messages, and Yael beams that although Andy is adorable, she's not attracted to him. She explains that she likes a man: "Someone who can grow a beard." Andy's pretty, and she could "flip him like a pancake." I think Shane could flip him like a pancake. Yael adds that Andy would ask permission before everything, instead of slamming her up against a wall and making her come like a volcano: "But we can still be friends!" Andy's blue balls bump up against the underside of the table.
Shooting range. Nancy throatily says that she wants to try the Glock , but Peter tells her that'll have to be time. Nancy whines that they're done already, and Peter reminds her that he has to drive out to Pacific Beach in the morning for his undercover assignment, and that it takes him forever to sterilize his piercing nails. She flirtily asks whether he likes going undercover. "With you I do," says Peter. Nancy presses that it must be exciting, and Peter agrees that it is, until a meth freak with a nailgun shoots you in the ass. This kind of talk gets Nancy all hot, and she leans in for a kiss. Peter takes off, and when the clerk comes back, Nancy asks to try "the shiny one, with the pretty pearly grip." The clerk tells her they're closing in ten minutes: "You don't have to go home, but you can't shoot here." Yeah, Shane's the one who's doing all the shooting at her house -- hi-yo! The clerk hands back the driver's license to "Ms. LaPlante." "Lacy," she corrects. "My mother is Ms. LaPlante."
Megan's. Apparently Silas has unusually good swimmers, because as they lie together on her bed, a single tear rolls down her cheek.
Nancy's stop is the grow house. Conrad asks what she's doing back there, and she asks rhetorically how often you get to see a grow house being built. As we can hear tools working in the background, Conrad makes her cover her eyes, and sets the scene as he leads her in, telling her to picture a bright room full of beautiful plants: "We're growing money!" Nancy says that if bullshit makes the grass grow, they must be. Conrad says it isn't bullshit, and uncovers her eyes to show off the pots neatly lined up on the floor, and the lamps about to be raised up into place. Nancy marvels that they work fast, and Conrad tells her they're meth addicts. Nancy checks that none of them is using a nailgun (heh), and then Victor comes over. Nancy introduces herself, and Victor tells her, "I like your eyeballs." Nancy thanks him: "They're real, you know." Heh. As Conrad watches this beautiful friendship being born, another knock comes at the door. No one can guess who this might be, because it's the middle of the night. Conrad closes the door on the grow room.
Conrad opens the front door to find Keshisyan, a menacing bald guy with a pink bakery box. Conrad is not too friendly, and rightly so, as Keshisyan says that it's baklava, to say hello, and goodbye. Conrad guesses that Keshisyan doesn't like black people, but apparently that's not so -- he loves the music, and the fried foods. But he knows what they're doing in there, and he's not having it. All day, he watched trucks pulling up to the house. He figured he'd see a ping pong table being unloaded, or a recliner and a flat-screen TV. Instead, they were all boxes -- Victor's boxes. Conrad's face closes as Keshisyan says he knows what they're doing in there, and they need to get out, because the time Keshisyan comes by, he won't be holding pastries, and neither will his brothers and cousins. He tells Conrad to let Victor know Keshisyan says hello. He also recommends the baklava with walnuts. I don't actually think Conrad's all that hungry right now.
Back inside, Conrad relays Keshisyan's message to Victor, throwing the box at his feet. Victor tells his guys to knock off their work, explaining that Keshisyan's the Armenian power, their competition. But Lacy isn't worried, suggesting that they should send him cookies: "Scare the shit out of him." Conrad feels that Nancy isn't getting it, and that they have problems. She replies that there are always problems, and that there are always solutions. She tells Victor, with a pat on his cheek, to keep working. Working hard to control his temper, Conrad tightly asks Lacy if he can speak to Nancy. Unfortunately, Nancy has to go home; Conrad can talk to her tomorrow. Yeah, I wouldn't give him the whole night to work on his speech if I were Nancy. Or even if I were Lacy.
Nancy pulls into her driveway to see Megan and Silas waiting at the curb. They get up when they see her, and Silas hesitates but a moment before telling her that Megan's pregnant, and that they intend to keep the baby. Nancy hasn't had a moment to digest this news before her supposed suitor rolls by on his Segway. Nancy waves back to him, looking like she might like to hitch a ride on that Segway and into someone else's life.