Previously on Weeds, Nancy got her stash swindled from her by the Rent-A-Cop at Valley State. She told, among other people, Doug, Alejandro, and Conrad and Heylia. At the end of the day, Rent-A-Cop showed up at her doorstep, looking pretty well pummeled, and returned the weed.
Currently on Weeds, Heylia is giving Conrad shit for beating up the Rent-A-Cop on Nancy's behalf. Ahhhh, see we all thought it was Alejandro. At least, I did. Heylia's pretty well furious that Conrad would stick his neck out like that to help someone who isn't even family. She says Nancy's gotten too big too fast and she needs to take her lumps when they come to her, without Conrad out there acting like a safety net, all so he can look like a big man in Nancy's eyes. And it's risking Heylia's business besides. You can tell this has been building up within Heylia all season: white lady, don't know shit, growing her business like gangbusters in part because of the inherent white lady advantages she's got, and being reckless and putting Heylia's ass in danger as a result. Conrad accepts this verbal dressing down and apologizes. Heylia says he won't be speaking to Nancy anymore -- she comes over, he goes elsewhere -- or else Heylia will freeze him out in a heartbeat. Vaneeta enters the room looking stricken. Heylia's in no mood for any crap, but Vaneeta's current issue is that she's going into labor. Heylia whoops that her grandbaby's on the way and she hops into action.
Botwins'. Nancy's gussying herself up for Shane's karate tournament and making him promise many, many times that he will not bite anyone. Shane takes notice of his mom's primping and says she doesn't even know if Peter will be there. "He's creepy," he says, "and he smells like flea collar." I'm with you there, li'l weirdo. Well, the "creepy" part. I'll take Shane's word for it about the flea collar thing.
At the karate tournament, Peter sees Nancy and says he was hoping she'd have called him. She says she meant to, and she really should, and she will. "We'll have fun," she says, awkward as you please. Meanwhile, Shane's lining up against his opponent and growling. The growling turns into sustained barking, which chases the other kid away. Peter notes that Shane's utilizing his reputation to his advantage.
Hodeses'. Isabelle's playing Celebrity/Publicist with her friend Peggy, a game which consists of the publicist continually telling the celebrity she's "so hot." Please, please, please let me go on believing this isn't a real thing kids play. Cowboys and Indians was gross, too, I agree; but this would just make me sad. Anyway, Isabelle asks Celia if Peggy can stay over. Celia hems and haws, but Isabelle says she can use an extra toothbrush and tomorrow she can wear one of Isabelle's "incentive outfits." Hee. Celia doesn't even have the energy to make up an objection to this so she just...walks away.
That night, Nancy's on the phone, flirting with Peter when the doorbell rings. Seeing as it's a quarter to one, this can't be anything good. Indeed it's Silas (all those who picked "Andy" in the pool, pay up now), escorted by the police. Seeing as Silas is smiling as bright as the morning and giving his "Mommy" a huge hug, it's pretty clear that he's on ecstasy. The cop says he and Megan were breaking into model homes, and Megan's in the cop car being "very difficult" and not answering questions. Nancy informs the cop that Megan's deaf. "TOLD YOU!" yells Silas, still smiling and pointing at the officer. The cop tells Nancy that taking ecstasy "is like taking big ice cream scoops out of your brain." Nancy's like, "Good to know. This won't happen again." The cop is again very serious about Silas's risk of brain damage. Brain damage, schmain damage, this is the most likeable Silas has been in weeks. Maybe ever. He needs to be doing ecstasy regularly. He hugs Nancy again and says her sweater is "the softest thing I've ever felt in my life." Nancy grins and tells him to enjoy it now, because she's fixing to make his life incredibly hard. From the stairs, Shane looks on and takes more and more mental notes about how drugs make you happy and fun and not at all inclined to punch you in the face.
The morning, Andy fetches the mail and finds a letter for himself. He reads it, goes white as a ghost (there's not much room for Justin Kirk to go whiter, complexion-wise, but he sells it well), and hands it to Lupita. "They want to send me to Iraq," Andy croaks. "Bye!" Lupita chirps. Ha!
Back at the Hodeses', Isabelle and Peggy are playing a different game. This one's probably called "Celebrity/Celebrity's College Friend Who's Into Just About Anything," because this game primarily involves Isabelle and Peggy kissing. Celia walks past this scene, slumps her shoulders, and sighs, "Oh, good Christ."
Doug's getting high in his office when Andy barges in, looking for a way out of this military service thing. See, Andy signed up for the Reserves one drunken night in order to impress a girl, and now he has to report or face military prison. He can't believe they found him, as he was "Off The Grid Andy." Doug's like, "Yeah, 'til you got busted for possession, when you became In The System Andy." Andy begs Doug to use his City Council juice to help him, but Doug's city council juice is of no good in this regard. Andy then starts going off about having to go fight for that war criminal president of ours and Doug starts arguing the pro-war side, spewing the usual misinformation about WMDs and mis-appropriating responsibility for 9/11 and not knowing Iraq from Iran. The verdict is that Andy's pretty well fucked, but Doug does pledge to put a yellow sticker on his car for him. Andy asks how Doug can be so blindly pro-Bush. Doug says he likes Laura Bush. "Used to buy weed from her at SMU. Good shit. Good shit."
Nancy leaves a Post-It on a sleeping Silas's forehead, telling him they need to talk.
Across town, we see the hospital's sent Vaneeta home even though she's clearly having contractions. While she stews in the living room, Conrad pitches Heylia his idea about branching into growing their own weed. He says it's their only way to stay competitive, with the grow houses now selling directly to the pot clubs. Heylia doesn't want to hear it, as this is more of the same "too much too fast" crap she's been ragging on Nancy for. Conrad presses, but Heylia's heard enough. "You work for me," she bottom-lines. Nancy walks in as Vaneeta has another contraction. Heylia says it looks like this one's gonna be a long haul, and Vaneeta yells "Fuck you!" back at her. Nancy admires Conrad's plant, but he's now allowed to speak to her. Nancy asks what's going on, and Heylia explains about the Rent-A-Cop beating and her punishment for him because of it. Nancy had no idea Conrad did that. Heylia: "Who you think done it, the Fuck-You-Up Fairy?" Rather than say that she has a whole line of brown-skinned admirers lined up and waiting to commit violence on her behalf, Nancy stammers that she never would have told Conrad to do that. Heylia says that won't be a problem, seeing as if she wants to continue to do business here, it will be with her and Vaneeta. Nancy says Heylia can't tell her who to talk to, but when she appeals to Conrad, he just gets up and walks out, silently. Nancy tells Heylia it's not a fair choice she's being given; Conrad's her friend. Heylia doesn't care. She says Nancy can play ball or walk, and Nancy walks. Heylia calls after her, asking if she's sure about that. "Maybe," says Nancy. Then Vaneeta's water breaks, and Heylia's all "On my chair?! What the fuck?!" Vaneeta cries for her "Mommy!!" So that answers that question, once and for all.
At the fakery, Peter's waiting to meet Nancy and getting grilled by Sanjay in the interim. Sanjay would like to know Peter's intentions towards Nancy. Peter, at the moment, is intending to share coffee with Nancy. And a muffin, too, if Sanjay would direct his penetrating stare to the banana nut section of the display case. "She's a remarkable woman," says Sanjay, leaning in. "Strong, yet feminine. Brave and bold, with beautiful skin." I think that's now being included on the Hillary Clinton campaign literature. Nancy finally shows up and pulls Sanjay off guard dog duty (well, guard pup, really). She tells Peter that she can't have coffee with him today because she has to attend to a problem with Silas, and maybe her life right now is just too complicated to accommodate Peter and his persistent courtship. Peter's not going to be deterred, however, and gives her his address, saying he'll be alone all weekend. Nancy says she's not making any promises. Sanjay emerges from the kitchen carrying Peter's muffin in a bag...which he deliberately squishes. "Muffin?" he snots. "To go?"
Meanwhile, from one impotent display of defiance to another, Celia has sat Isabelle and her makeout partner Peggy down for a talk. She tells Isabelle that she can't become a lesbian just to avoid losing weight. Sure, Rosie O'Donnell is one example, "but that is not where lesbianism is going, Isabelle. Look at The L Word." Hmm, legitimately funny line or groan-able intra-network marketing. I say it still comes out funny. Anyway, Isabelle says she and Peggy love each other. Celia points out that Peggy is a little Asian girl: "They look like boys already, you might as well go for the real deal." Peggy protests that she has boobs, but Celia disagrees and tells her to call her grandparents to come pick her up. Isabelle looks disappointed and says she new the new-and-improved Sweet Celia wouldn't last; now that she knows she's not going to die, she's back to her mean old ways. And, sure, it sucks for Isabelle, but it's great for the rest of us, am I right? Peggy, meanwhile, tells her grandparents to come pick her up because Celia hates immigrants. Hey! Just because that's probably true does not make it applicable here, you little hasbian. Wait, that comes later.
Back at the Botwins', Andy finds Nancy in the kitchen and hands her a pair of hedge-clippers. He asks her to cut off his toe, because that way he won't have to go through with his military service and also he felt this week's episode was a little light on the foreshadowing. Nancy actually looks like she might do it before Andy chickens out and decides his recourse will be to move to Vermont, find a boyfriend, and get married. Andy, that should have been your plan regardless.
Nancy finds Silas in his room and hands him an iced tea. Which you would think would be a kind gesture from someone who's got every right to sell you to gypsies or Christian rehab or whatever, but it's Silas and he's sober now so he just acts like a giant snot about it. She repeats the "ice cream scoops out of your brain" line in regards to last night's E binge, but Silas remembers that one from last night. He's packing a bag for Megan's, which Nancy tells him is not happening, and she's prepared to lock him up inside his room until he gets some sense: "You don't fuck around with drugs." Silas grins like the Cheshire cat, because she's just given him the high ground and she doesn't even know it. He calls her a hypocrite, and Nancy does a decently credible job of no-selling that one and stressing that she doesn't take drugs. "Oh, you may not take 'em," Silas says, slowly, as he rounds on her like he's a James Bond villain or Doctor Claw or something, "but you sure do sell 'em." So you know that Mary-Louise Parker thing she does where she looks like someone just punched her in the stomach real hard? That. Right here. Silas says he's not an idiot -- he notices things. Nancy still can't speak, which lets Silas get cocky. He says rolling on E was "really, really fun," but it's not like he's a drug addict. Nancy: fumes. Silas tries to play it cool, saying he doesn't blame Nancy for dealing: "You're doing what you need to do. I guess." Yeah, not as detached as he'd like to be, with that "I guess." Nancy tries to assert some parental control, saying she's not going to give Silas carte blanche at sixteen, but Silas knows he has the upper hand. He knows her threats to kick him out are toothless because how would she explain that to Shane. He says they should just "stay out of each other's way" and be peaceful," and on that note, he's off to Megan's. It's interesting and a credit to the show and the performances that here, where Silas is at his most infuriating, is also where he's at his most understandable. Not that a hard Nancy back-hand wouldn't have been welcome.
Still unable to speak, Nancy comes upon Andy floating face-down in the pool. He's practicing at being dead for Iraq, in case he happens to find a pool of some sort -- blood, oil -- that he can float in. Nancy tells him about Silas and tries very, very hard to convince herself that she shouldn't have to apologize for selling weed; it's a choice she's made and she's very, very good at what she does. Andy says Silas isn't mad about the drugs, he's mad about the secrecy. I'd also say he's mad because he's sixteen and sixteen-year-olds are the most furious people on earth aside from the very elderly and Nancy Grace. Andy's suggestion is to be open about the dealing with her family, lest she have a repeat performance with Shane down the road.
Fakery. Conrad shows up with a teeny potted marijuana clone and starts speed-reciting a whole mess of technical grow jargon that ultimately adds up to his proposal: Nancy gives him the start-up money, and he can have then growing their own shit to sell within three months. In the meantime, he says, Nancy needs to make up with Heylia and pretend nothing's going on. Nancy points out that if they go through with this, Heylia will never speak to him again. "Well fuck Heylia," Conrad says, and it makes me cringe a little bit. You don't say that out loud, Conrad! Heylia will find you and swoop in on you so fast! Nancy thinks about it, smiles, and says she wants to hear more.
Isabelle's riding her bike in the park when she comes upon Peggy making out with a boy. Isabelle is crushed that the love of her young life has full-on Heche'd her. Peggy's like, "Thanks for all that make-out practice, dude! You look really hot, by the way." Isabelle, hopeful, goes, "Really?" Peggy: "Yeah, you look really sweaty." Ouch. Still, though -- sucks to be Peggy. When those fat (so to speak) Huskaroo checks come rolling in season, guess who's still gonna be making out for lunch money? Eat it, Peggy!
Botwins' After Dark. Nancy working out the numbers on her PDA when Andy approaches her wearing a yarmulke and hitting the Yiddish hard. Nancy takes one look at him and decides she doesn't want to know. This is, of course, another Andy scheme to get out of service: full-time students looking to become ordained clergy are deferred. "In other words," he says, "once you go rabbi, you never go bye-bye." "Mazel tov," says Nancy. Andy sees six wine glasses on the patio table and asks what's going on. She says she's switching some thing up, business-wise, and she pulls out a chair for Andy, who's over the moon at finally being included. Then, all at once, Alejandro, Dean, Doug, and Sanjay show up, and Nancy lays down the corporate structuring for the 2.0 phase of White Lady Dealer Industries: "Distribution" (Alejandro), "Finance" (Doug), "Sales" (Sanjay), "Legal" (Dean), and finally, for Andy, "Yentl." Andy gives a heart pound. Dean suggests opening the wine, but Nancy says to wait one second. While she's gone, the boys decide that Alejandro should indeed be the muscle. He reluctantly agrees, even though it might fuck up his pitching arm.
In the kitchen, Nancy digs around for a corkscrew. Shane approaches and asks if everything's okay -- he heard her and Silas fighting earlier. Nancy lies that everything's fine just fine, and he shouldn't worry. He asks what's going on out on the patio, what with the five disreputable men playing grab-ass and looking stoned. Nancy's like, "Oh those are my friends." Shane gives her about three openings to come clean about what's going on -- and it's about 50/50 whether he knows already, though he's definitely suspicious -- but Nancy just assures him that everything will be okay. Then, as the fakey-fake Godfather music wails in the background, Nancy exits to the patio just as Conrad's showing up with the plant, and the men all rise to get a look, but from Shane's perspective it looks like they're standing in deference to Nancy, their new Godmother. Lupita casts a sad look Shane's way and closes the doors behind her. You don't ask your mom about her business, Shane.
Heylia's. Seems Vaneeta has given birth on the floor. Heylia's cooing to the new baby boy and asking where the heck Conrad's gone to.
Lastly, Nancy shows up at Peter's door. He asks if her life got less complicated, and Nancy laughs at the irony of that one before falling onto his face and, soon enough, into his bed. After it's all said and done, a naked Nancy gets up to go to the bathroom. She puts on a jacket of Peter's, to hide her shame and all, and when she gets a look at herself in the bathroom mirror, she's startled to read what the jacket says. Just three little letter: "DEA." The "D," as Heylia might say, could just as well stand for "Dumb-ass white bitch."