Silas is in the kitchen on the phone, telling whoever's on the other end to stop sending catalogs to Judah Botwin, as he's dead. He tells Lupita so throw out all the junk mail addressed to Judah, presumably so Nancy doesn't have to see it. Lupita kindly says she will. Silas then tells Nancy, who's just walking in, that he'll be at Megan's tonight. He says Megan's dad loves having him over, what with his having three daughters and all. "He's teaching me to box," he says. Nancy says that's just so he can remind Silas he can kick his ass. Niiiice foreshadowing, there. Lupita hands Nancy a gift box from Alejandro. She doesn't understand the gifting progression here, from pennies to now panties. Nancy guiltily tells her to get rid of it. Meanwhile, Shane rifling through Silas's desk, checks out a copy if his "Position Of The Day Playbook" (hee -- the illustrations look like an in-flight emergency manual), and pockets a lighter before Silas comes by and shoves him away.
Andy snoozily wanders into the kitchen, where Nancy reminds him that he's late for the grand opening of the bakery. Andy feels that, since it's not so much a bakery as a "fakery," he doesn't so much need to be punctual. Nancy thinks the "fakery" part will be glaringly obvious if he doesn't get his ass down there. Nancy's day is booked solid, between taking Shane to school, going to Heylia's, getting the drop to Sanjay, etc. Speaking of Shane, his doctor wants to put him on anti-depressants, which Andy is adamantly against. He's totally cool with illegal drugs -- weed makes you happy and horny, and in Nancy's case, financially solvent -- but that prescription shit "fries your brain." Nancy brings up the foot-biting, but Andy says Shane's ten and his dad just died -- medicating him so he can't feel anything would be fucked up. Andy says he took Celexa when his ferret died -- he gained 40 pounds and couldn't ejaculate. Nancy's like, "Okay, fuck off, for one," and also the doctor says it's only temporary until his "neurotransmitters realign themselves or some shit like that." Andy reiterates that antidepressants are evil. Shane bounds in and tells Andy to speak for himself -- maybe he wants the drugs. He cites a girl in his class who took Zoloft so she wouldn't cut herself, "and now she's in a band!" Andy asks whether she can ejaculate. Shane urges his mom to "Say 'yes' to drugs," which of course makes Nancy all the more concerned.
Celia's at the doctor's office for her chemo appointment. She's hooked up to an IV, head as bald as Britney, while Dean reads the "Agrestic Cryer" and bitches about the local golf course getting sold to neighboring Summer Canyon. Two doctors pass by, gabbing about Survivor and Fear Factor and virtually ignoring Celia. After trying and failing to get their attention, Celia pulls the IV out of her arm and walks out.
Valley State. Nancy's been waiting for a bit, and when Sanjay eventually shows up, we see why. He's fucking baked. He looks at Nancy, says it's so good to see her, and tried to kiss her. She pulls back and he apologizes -- he's just really high. But she is so, so pretty. Nancy asks when Sanjay started getting high. "Right after I started selling," he says, and Nancy's dismayed. Another youth she's led astray. Sanjay spots a campus rent-a-cop and bugs out, leaving Nancy and her full satchel of weed to be busted.
Rent-A-Cop throws Nancy into the back of his car and dumps her weed out into his front seat. He knows all about her, how she's been dealing on campus, that she's a widow living in Agrestic with two kids, etc. She asks if he's going to arrest her, and he makes a big show of relenting, saying she's never to show her face on campus again. He pulls out a switchblade (!) and cuts Nancy free of the rubber cuffs he put on her (nice campus security touch there). Nancy then -- and this is some balls -- asks if she can have her shit back. She does that MLP thing where she's smiling and crying at the same time, because she knows how ridiculous this request is, and pleads that this shit right here is her mortgage payment and she needs to have it. Rent-A-Cop is silent for a moment, then tells Nancy she has five minutes to get the hell off his campus.
PTA meeting. Head Gossipy Bitch Maggie is leading the proceedings, with her ostentatious crystal gavel and snotty-ass personality. Celia enters wearing her bitchin' new platinum wig and proceeds to the podium, but Maggie tells her she's in charge now, as the PTA needs "a reliable and healthy leader." Celia silently takes a seat at the back of the room, though her face reads, Oh, it's fucking on, then? Maggie crows about being one of the first families to move to Agrestic "back when it was just a golf course," and then moves on to the most pressing issue of the day: the gym teacher needs to be fired, because he's been spotted working in the ladies' shoe department at Nordstrom's, "and we all know what that means, right?" Pam: "He can get us 10% off?" Hee. Oh, Pam. Celia, from the back, says this isn't exactly news; she's known about it for years. Maggie is aghast that Celia knew and did nothing. "I don't think it's appropriate for our kids to learn wrestling from a gay. ...Man." Celia sighs that he's gay, not a pedophile, as there is a difference. Maggie shuts Celia down ("your time is up") and calls for a vote; it's overwhelmingly in favor of firing the gym teacher. I'm certain his lawyer will be sending Maggie flowers. Celia sees which way the winds are blowing and she collects herself and leaves, muttering, "Like hell my time is up."
Heylia's. Nancy shows up still reeling from her near-miss with the cops. Conrad and Heylia don't take her so seriously -- they barely look up from their jigsaw puzzle (hee) -- when she says she lost $14,000 worth of stash, but when she says she got "busted," they pay attention real quick. Before Heylia can even reach for a wooden spoon to smack Nancy over the head with, Nancy explains how campus security let her off with a warning but confiscated her weed. At this, Conrad and Heylia calm down a bit, and Conrad tells Nancy she didn't get busted, she got jacked. Nancy doesn't believe it. "You think a cop gonna let a drug dealer go on just a warning?" Heylia asks. "Even a pretty little white one like you?" Conrad says he'd bet Rent-A-Cop is dealing on campus as well and wanted to get rid of Nancy's competition. Damn, between Alejandro, Nancy, and now Rent-A-Cop, Valley State is one competitive marketplace. The economics department could really push the "real-world experience" thing in their brochure. Anyway, Nancy embarks upon a string of expletives as Heylia smirkingly tells her to let it all out. Nancy asks to borrow a gun so she can get her shit back, but nobody thinks that's a good idea. Conrad says she's going to have to take her lumps. Nancy then gets a phone call from Shane's school. "Looks like I'm not the only Botwin to get busted today," Nancy laments.
Cut to Nancy and Shane in the principal's office. Seems Shane decided the school's Diversity Week display of Moses and the Burning Bush "lacked authenticity," so he set the bush on fire. Nancy asks Shane if he knows how dangerous that was. "Hardly at all," says Shane, since the floor was concrete and the sprinklers were right overhead. "It was out in seconds," he justifies. The principal says the presenters from Temple Beth Shalom were soaked and terrified: "You really frightened those nice Jews, young man." He says he's going to confiscate the lighter -- Silas's lighter -- and suspend Shane until Monday. Shane, to Nancy: "Can I have drugs now?" Outside, Shane's still pressing the issue as they see Silas drive up in front of them in a Porsche. Megan's dad is teaching him how to drive stick, you see. Nancy's like, "Uh...thanks!" and Silas and Megan's dad drive off.
Elsewhere, it's the grand opening for Nancy's fakery, called "Breadsticks and Scones" (or "B.S." if you prefer). Andy's doing his best to dispose of the inventory, which was fresh baked...at Costco. Nancy shows up, still in a daze, and asks how the day went. Andy smiles that they made $17. Nancy starts to freak, because after getting jacked, they're at zero, which means this sham bakery needs to make them some money for real. A woman walks in looking for pastry and Andy quickly tells her they're closed. "Good start," says Nancy.
Celia's at home, chopping veggies to get the frustration out, when Doug shows up looking for Dean. This is not good news for Doug, I'm thinking. "Nice haircut," he says. Celia's like, "It's a wig, dipshit." Doug: "Oh right, the cancer thing." Celia asks about the golf course sale Dean was reading about -- will the houses along the course still be a part of Agrestic? Doug says no, the course and the houses along it are now part of Summer Canyon. Celia's like, "Iiiiiinteresting," then gets hit with a bit of chemo-induced nausea. Doug says she could take some pot for that ; it'd be all nice and medically legal for her. She's kind of interested, but she has pills, which Doug would very much like to sample. She says they don't get you high or anything, which Doug thinks is a gyp. It's kind of a sweet bonding scene, which ends, as many things in Agrestic do, on a bizarre note when Doug again compliments Celia's wig and asks to pet it. She allows him to, and he's all, "You're a pretty girl, pretty girl," like he's talking to his pet. The foreshadowing is both delicious and a tad creepy.
Fakery. Nancy's standing around, waiting on the customers that aren't there, and bitching at Andy to get to baking like he promised. Doug enters and tries to talk some sense into Nancy, saying bakeries are virtually impossible to run without drug money. "Let me tell you what Amos was really famous for," he says. HA! Mrs. Fields? "Big whore," Doug says. "In this town, the twelve people who still eat carbs buy their muffins at Starbucks." Nancy doesn't care -- she has bills to pay. And she's not going to be paying them with drug money, and she answers a call saying she's dry and they should call someone else. She tells Doug about her jacking, and he immediately wants to know where he can find this guy so he can start buying Nancy her pot back, "$100 at a time." Nancy doesn't want him to bother. She's very resigned to giving up the dealing business right now, which depresses the hell out of Andy and Doug, so they leave to go get high in Doug's car. Enter Sanjay with a cookie bouquet for Nancy. Aw, Sanjay! That's my kind of people. Nancy gives him shit for his lack of "chivalry," not like she wouldn't have been wracked with guilt if she'd have gotten her son's math tutor arrested for dealing. Sanjay says he'll do anything for Nancy: "I love you." Nancy sighs, tosses him a cap, and tells him to start baking.
PTA meeting. Maggie can barely gavel the proceedings to order before Celia (sandy blonde wig with some really chic layers this time) interrupts with a "bon voyage gift" for her and her kids. Maggie's like, "Where are we going? I hope it's Vegas!" Oh, this should be enjoyable. Inside the box is an application for Summer Canyon elementary, since Maggie's house on the golf course is no longer in Agrestic's school district, which means Maggie's kids can't go to Agrestic, which means Maggie can't be president of the PTA. The bright side, of course, is that Summer Canyon's gym teacher is totally straight! Celia asks for all who support her bid to be reinstated as president to say "aye." Pam does, and over Maggie's objections, so do the rest of the women. Celia, triumphant, thanks Maggie for her input.
Fakery. Nancy and Sanjay are dumping coffee beans into jars when Alejando barges in, asking Nancy why she hasn't responded to his gifts. Sanjay asks who this guy is and if she wants him to kick his ass. Hee hee. Alejandro, however, is smitten with Nancy and wants them to be able to do business together and then be able to "celebrate" their success afterwards. Nancy's not interested. Sanjay tries to get Alejandro to leave, but he merely raises an arm and Sanjay goes fleeing, once again calling, "Forgive me!" Nonplussed, Alejandro says she needs his connections and protection while he needs her hookup to the good shit to which the fine people of Agrestic have become accustomed. Nancy says she's doesn't have any hookup anymore. Alejandro thinks the jacking at Valley State makes her more in need of his protection than ever. He pulls out a slinky red negligee that Nancy snatches and throws in the trash. Alejandro seems undaunted but content to try again later.
Silas is in his room, loading up his knapsack with the usual teenage accessories: bong, condoms, candles (scented and votive). He pulls open his drawer to grab his lighter, but of course it's not there. Silas goes into the kitchen -- where Shane is reading an anti-depressant pamphlet -- and asks Lupita if she's seen the lighter. Shane timidly says it got confiscated and is now in the principal's office. Silas looks for a second like he's going to cry, then calls Shane a "fucking idiot." Shane instantly fires back, "You're an idiot -- fuck you!" "That was Dad's lighter!" Silas screams, and -- just as Nancy walks in the door -- he punches Shane square in the face. Shane goes down like a sack of potatoes and starts crying, and Silas, running on the fumes of how own anger, keep repeating that Dad gave it to him. Nancy shoves Silas aside to get to Shane, as Silas looks on, shocked that he just did that. Silas then runs out the front door as Nancy curses him under her breath. Dude, you forgot your bong and condoms!
Later, Nancy drives past Megan's house and sees Silas in the living room, explaining things to her parents who, in turn, place comforting hands on his shoulder. Nancy looks incredibly guilty but, of course, Megan's parents have the luxury of not being Shane's parents (they're not Silas's parents either, but you see what I mean), so it's not like Nancy would be in a position to offer Silas this kind of support, even if she wasn't so busy selling weed and running a sham bakery.
By the time Nancy gets home, it's dark, which means she doesn't spot a bruised and bloodied Rent-A-Cop until she's almost to her door. He scares the shit out of her by just being there, but he's not there to threaten her or shake her down. In fact, he's got her stash in a duffel bag and gives it back. Rent-A-Cop actually takes his hat off before he apologizes, telling Nancy he didn't realize who she was. He doesn't specify what brought about his change of heart -- or his busted nose for that matter -- but he says he's now at Nancy's service should she need anything on campus. Nancy's still freaked and says what she needs is for him to go away, now. After he does, Nancy checks on her returned weed and wonders who her fairy god-person was this time.