Previously, Doug stole the giant Majestic light-up cross and donated it to Nancy's grow house (which used to be Celia's regular house). Andy's wayward Dick led to Nancy doing business with Chess and his bikers and their skank weed. Nancy ceasing to do business with Chess and his bikers and their skank weed led to Silas getting the shit beat out of him. And all of that, plus much more, led to Shane taking a break from reality and "speaking" to his dead father at the dinner table.
Nancy has to take Silas to an off-the-books doctor in order to treat his wounds (nothing's broken, but he still looks a mess). Doc (who is the same guy who played Babu on Seinfeld so many years ago) recognizes Nancy from the time she and U-Turn brought Marvin in with a bullet in his ass. Nancy asks if Doc can recommend an off-the-books shrink, because...
...Shane is still around the bend and doesn't seem to be coming back soon. Right now he and Andy seem to be engaged in a staring contest, punctuated by Andy trying to get Shane to admit that this is all a big put-on, that there's no Judah there, without explicitly calling him crazy or a liar. But that doesn't seem to be working. Shane says that Judah has a message for Andy: "He wants to know why you let Mom down. Why you didn't take better care of all of us." Oh, that's sad. Weirdly, this freaks Andy out and he looks behind him to see if Judah really is there (he's not), rather than accept the much simpler fact that Shane is the one who's mad that Andy let the family down.
Nancy and Silas get home, Silas advocating for some kind of retribution against the bikers, but Nancy saying that she has no muscle to do that. Andy comes downstairs with the Shane update: not faking, kind of creepy. That's always been the explanation for Shane, though, don't you think? Anyway, Andy says he's starting to think Shane might actually be communicating with the dead, given what "Judah" had to say; "Weird things happen when these Santa Ana winds start blowin'," he rationalizes. And...wow, topical. Morbidly so. Nancy tells Andy to quit fucking around and help her figure out what to do with Shane. Silas is like, "Send him to a shrink, which you should have done years ago." Word, Silas. ...Wow, that felt weird to type. Andy thinks this is a good idea too, but Nancy isn't too keen on what happens when Shane reveals what his mom does for a living, and asking him to lie about that would defeat the purpose. Andy's like, "Hey, things could be worse. You could be pregnant." Okay, the possibility of Nancy getting pregnant as a cliffhanger to season has become so obviously and explicitly likely that I am almost tempted to say it won't happen now. Foreshadowing can't be this thuddingly obvious, can it? Andy says it's not too likely, though, since she isn't getting any. Oh, but she is, not that she's telling Andy who.
Elsewhere (the day, we'll assume), Celia's at the bank trying to deposit $15,000 in cash. Oh, Celia. Of course, when the bank teller hands her forms to fill out so this unusually large batch of cash can be reported to both the IRS and the bank's internal records, Celia's like, "Perhaps I counted wrong," and she beats a hasty retreat.
Somewhere else in Majestic, Sullivan gets a voice-distorted phone call demanding that Sullivan "make good on certain promises to certain people" if he ever wants to see his gaudy light-up cross again. Unfortunately for Doug, his voice modulator stops working halfway through the conversation. And, you know, I'm not even sure what Doug wants out of Sullivan anymore? A seat on the Majestic city council? A house like Celia got? Doug's righteous anger is just kind of shooting out in all directions without a purpose these days. I normally never advise this, but maybe Doug needs to find Jesus.
At the grow house, we see that Celia needs to ring the bell on her own home to get access from Heylia. She notices the gaudy light-up cross currently helping the new batch of crops to grow and is like, "Of course!" Meanwhile, I'm doing a little dance in my chair because they're actually making a go of this whole Heylia/Celia friendship thing. Awesome. Celia needs to know what to do with her giant wads of cash that she can't deposit. Heylia isn't too keen on "training another white girl in the ways of the drug business," so Celia pulls the "I'm your landlord" card. So Heylia starts doing what she does best: telling people how to live. God love that woman. She tells Celia to first take 20% off the top for her emergency money and hide it somewhere around the house, "furniture cushions, floorboards, up your snatch if you got it." As for the other 80%? She should start a cover business (hey, what about a coffee shop?). In fact, she should find a disreputable accountant and let them figure something out for her. Having dispensed all her advice, Heylia would like to be left alone to her reading, but Celia has one more question: "You ever get scared? ...Getting caught?" Heylia says Celia needs to put those kinds of thoughts right out of her mind. "It's like flying. Sure, the plane might crash, but you gotta get to where you're going fast, so in the end, it's worth the risk." Oddly enough, Heylia's making me feel more comfortable about going into the drug business and less comfortable about flying. Celia seems to like the advice, though, because she hugs Heylia (!) and tells her they're going to be friends (!!). Seriously, it's all my dreams for this show coming true. Weirdly, Heylia doesn't seem to share my (or Celia's) enthusiasm.
That night, Nancy's in Shane's room, trying to see if she can put his brain back together again. Shane says that "Judah" likes the way Nancy's wearing her hair these days, but that he's also angry, with all of them. Nancy says that's not fair, then begs Shane to remember that he was there when his father died and thus knows for a fact that he's dead. My assumption is that a real shrink would not take the approach of reminding the boy with the break from reality that he saw his father die. "Please don't do this anymore," Nancy says, her voice cracking, "it's making me really sad." Shane tells her that Judah still loves her, and Nancy is like, "Shane, this is you talking...right?" He says it's not, then begs Nancy not to be mad at him. She says she's not, but then she walks out. Shane turns to the camera -- I love that he looks right at us when he's supposed to be talking to Judah; so creepy -- and says, "She's mad."
Grow House. Conrad answers the door to find a nosy Majestic neighborhood watch lady, who is visibly surprised to see a black man answer the door. She soldiers on, though, cheerfully passing out a flyer regarding the missing Gaudy Majestic Cross. Conrad fakes shock, asking who would do something like that. "Jews," answers Nosy Majestic Hag easily. Vaneeta walks up to the door, and Nosy Majestic Hag says she must be "the wife." Heh. She coos over Vaneeta's baby for a bit, asking why "little black babies" are always so cute. "Why are little white babies so ugly?" Vaneeta volleys back before heading inside. Nosy Majestic Hag's enthusiasm is undampened, and she says she hopes to see them in church. But how will Jesus know where to find them without that giant neon monstrosity that's currently breathing life into Conrad's crop? "I hate white idiots," Vaneeta says, after the Hag's gone. "White idiots named Doug," Conrad offers, staring at the Gaudy Majestic Cross.
Speak of the white idiot: here's Doug, in his office, the day (and holy crap are we just flying through the calendar right now). Celia pays him a visit, and they're both as acrimonious to each other as ever. But Celia needs a shady accountant to help launder her money, so of course she's come to Doug. After all, he did the same for Nancy. Yeah, but Doug says he likes Nancy. "Everybody likes Nancy," Celia grouses, "and everybody hates Celia. Time to come up with a new narrative." Only after the WGA gets their online residuals, hon. Celia says that she's a part of the operation now, whether anyone likes it or not, and she intends to be treated as such. Doug takes a long pause, and then announces that he'd really like to have sex with Celia right now. Lord. Celia slides herself up to him, puts a hand on his crotch...and starts squeezing. "I'd sooner lose a leg than suck your dick again," Celia says. She tells him to get on that dummy corporation thing, and quickly. "How 'bout Ballbusters Inc.?" Doug whimpers. Celia's like, "Whatever works...bitch."
That night, Nancy's out back with a bottle of wine when Silas walks up with a gun he stole from Conrad's stuff. He wants Nancy to use it to take out the biker gang. Nancy's like, "With this teeny gun, my injured 17-year-old, Sanjay the fag, and Tara the midget?" Okay, she actually calls Sanjay a "flamboyant Hindi queen," but since that's a really imprecise description of him, I figured I'd translate the line. Silas says that failing to take out the bikers means they can't deal their own stuff and they can't deal Chess's unsellable ditch weed. Nancy's like, "It's a conundrum, yes." She's not about to march her family into a drug war, and despite Silas's protestations that this is a "family business," Nancy tells him to listen to the head of that family. "The head of the family's dead," Silas brats, proving that even an improved, slightly more mature, Conrad-mentored Silas is still a petty little bitch when he wants to be.
Andy's at the car wash with Denise, chewing her out for what Chess did to Silas. Denise claims that she has no control over her brother's actions and she never has. She tries to seduce Andy into compliance with her hard, wiry charms, but for once Andy isn't having it. Seems like someone's heeding Fake Dead Judah's advice. He says that if he can't get Denise to intercede on his family's behalf, then what good is this "Romeo and Juliet shit"? He tells her to tell Chess that if he harms another Botwin again, Andy'll kill him. And he storms off. Of course, all that being an actual courageous man stuff is a little much for Andy, so he comes skittering back and tells Denise that maybe she shouldn't really pass on that message. "Call me," Denise calls after him as he retreats. "...Yeah, maybe," Andy says. That's still a pretty good showing. You know, for Andy.
Elsewhere, in the Mexican Part of Town, Nancy's gone to look for muscle. She finds Guillermo in his front yard, barbecuing. He knows about the bikers in the hills, selling their shitty weed, and when Nancy says she needs protection from them, he offers it at the cost of a 50/50 split on any business Nancy does from here on out. He's also like, "Hey, watch me be incredibly appealing despite my existence as a low-life drug dealer who makes women dance for my approval, thus confusing the recapper so bad that he might forgive Nancy for getting all hot and bothered." Nancy asks what kind of protection 50/50 gets her. "Total protection," says Guillermo. "And if by chance, an honest woman like yourself would make enemies, then they would become my enemies. And then they would fear you." Nancy makes the deal, which...it's a deal that's going to end up really badly for her, I'm sure, but she really is backed into a corner right now. It's not as needlessly stupid as many of her other decisions have been. Guillermo pledges to take care of the bikers, thoroughly, and Nancy will be able to conduct her business in peace. You'll forgive Nancy if that sounds really good to her at the moment. I could, however, maybe do without the imagery of Nancy being filmed behind the burning flames of the barbecue grill that represents this little deal with the devil. A little melodramatic?
Grow house. Nancy brings Conrad back his gun, since he had no idea Silas took it. Conrad gets all wounded-boy about how U-Turn probably would have taken care of the bikers for her. Nancy tells him that jealous is not a good look on him. He asks, then, if he needs to be worried about these bikers, and Nancy's like, "Not anymore." She tells him about the deal with Guillermo. Conrad's not thrilled: "You realize you're just trading one gangster for another." Nancy understands that, but she also understands that without muscle, she wouldn't be able to operate. That was kind of a flaw in Conrad's plan, after all. Nancy finally admits out loud that she's a drug dealer, and it's nice to finally see her being honest with herself. Again, it's not that I don't think this Guillermo thing is going to turn sour, but Nancy's thinking way more clearly than she has been. "And who protects us from Guillermo?" Conrad asks. It's a valid question, but: who was protecting y'all from Guillermo before? It's not like Nancy wasn't on his radar. It was probably just a matter of time before he came calling, and maybe not as non-lethally as Silas's biker attack. Of course, the way Nancy blusters that she can handle Guillermo is kind of stupid. "How, by fucking him?" Conrad asks, and holy God does Nancy not get to play the "offended" card at that like she's doing. She tries to storm off, but Conrad stops her and says they're in this thing together. And then they make out. And when they pull apart again, there's Heylia, with the mother of "Ain't this some shit" looks on her face.
At the DEA, Peter's old boss and a colleague we haven't seen before are going over thermal imaging satellite photos of the area, which would be an invasion of privacy if we all hadn't cheerfully given up all rights to privacy about six years back. Despite scattered hot spots across the grid, they only seem to be interested in "sexy" finds like meth labs. That is, until they see a decently-sized hot spot in the shape of a giant cross. Motherfuck, Doug. The new agent doesn't seem to think it's worth reporting, but Peter's old boss heard about the cross abduction in Majestic and thinks it's his Christian duty to report it. "Where's your respect for the Lord?" he asks. New Agent: "Whose Lord are you talking about? And if you ask me, a cross that size is for a Lord with a tiny dick." Amen.
Nancy arrives back home to find her boys glued to the TV set, where they're watching wildfires burn out of control. Wow. I know wildfires happen every year, but it's kind of eerie to be recapping this after the particular set of fires last month. Anyway, the kids say that the fires started over in the hills, but they jumped the highway and are headed down Majestic way. Yikes. Andy walks in and says Denise just called and said the fires started in their grow field. "Someone torched it. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that?" he asks Nancy, semi-accusingly, which is fucking rich, coming from Andy. Nancy looks incredibly guilty, as well as shell-shocked, as her family starts asking her what they're going to do. Nancy turns to Shane and asks him if Judah has any suggestions. We cut to the credits before Shane can begin to convey that Judah is currently making the jerk-off gesture to the lot of them.