Previously, Nancy's decision to hold on to Peter's pension money for a while drove a wedge between her and her new and awesome friend Valerie; Dean was too stupid to not get his body broken into a million pieces and was thus placed in the care of poor Celia; and I say "poor Celia" because no matter how scummy Sullivan was (and is), she still cared for him, and she still had to see him banging Nancy on his conference room table. Also, we get a clip from way back in Season One, when Celia and Conrad hooked up that one time, so that'll be important this week.
We open with Nancy and Sullivan having just finished their depressing and gross little encounter on the table, Sullivan weakly trying to persuade her not to quit. But quit she will, for a little company called Aguatecture. She grabs a couple tissues to wipe herself off (...), which gives poor Celia, crouching by the door so no one will see her, a chance to scoot out the front door.
Back at Botwin Estates, Tara stops by with a payment for Nancy, but since it's just her and Silas in the house at the moment, he wants to fool around. She can't, though, because she has a date waiting for her in the driveway. This guy, "Kenneth," meets Tara's "cultural needs" while Silas meets her needs for sexual purposes. Or, as he puts it, he's something for her to rub up on. Wait, so you're telling me that Silas's hobbies of whining and sitting around on his spoiled ass haven't been stimulation enough for even a dim bulb like Tara? Huh. And I know I've been liking Silas better since he's been under Conrad's wing, but I can't help it -- seeing Silas in pain makes me want to do a little dance.
Nancy's once again stalking Val outside the mammogram clinic, and when she comes outside for a smoke break, Nancy pounces. Val's not exactly psyched to see her, even when Nancy produces an envelope of cash. No, it's not the full $100 grand, but Nancy seems to think this should buy her a little faith from Val. Val's like, "I have very little faith in you." She goes to storm off without the money but then realizes she really needs it, so she turns back and plucks it from Nancy's hand, saying she's just that desperate for cash. Nancy looks at her all, "So be a hooker, then; that's what I do!"
Cut to Val in the office of one "Cliff Haskel," a private investigator with a ridiculous hat that he probably stole from Angel on Dexter. Val is explaining that her ex-husband was a dirty cop and that he probably has money stashed away somewhere. On top of that, she explains the Nancy quickie marriage situation and says it totally seems fishy, considering they knew each other for a matter of weeks before getting married and then Peter winds up dead? "That bitch knows something," says Val. Cliff Haskel, Private Investigator says he'll need a retainer fee. Val thinks for a second, then tosses the envelope full of cash Nancy just gave her onto the desk. Hey Val, love you, for serious, but haven't you been saying you need that money to, like, make rent and stuff? I know she's hoping this gets her more money down the road, but it's a hell of a gamble, don't you think?
Meanwhile, at the Majestic city council, Doug is in the middle of ranting and raving about the fact that the old Agrestic city council members no longer hold those positions anymore, and thus the sweet, sweet kickbacks of corruption are no longer available to them. The head councilwoman -- Doug calls her "Carilli," but I don't know if we catch her first name -- is seething with hatred, which is a normal reaction to Doug, and demands that he watch his language. Doug's response to that, of course, is "Fuck you!" In fact, every time Carilli says something Doug doesn't want to hear -- like the fact that the Agrestic city council is no more because Agrestic is no more -- he curses up a storm, and she just gets angrier and angrier. I give them one full episode before they're doing it. So anyway, the corrupt fat cats of Agrestic "looking to feed off the tit of local government," per Doug, are thwarted, and Celia's off to the side, looking embarrassed for everybody. Carilli finally says there's not much more to discuss, then tells Doug they're not finished looking into his shady dealings with Aguatecture. Doug calls her a "sanctimonious Jesus freak" and then calls her out for having cankles. He and the rest of the Agrestic lemmings chant "Cankle bitch!" at her as she rushes out of the meeting room with the rest of the council. Doug continues to scream at her, and at one of her male colleagues, who he accuses of having "man cankles...MANKLES!" Hee hee.
After the meeting, Celia tells Doug that they need to have a word. Doug: "Okay. How about 'die'?" Heh. But Celia's no dummy, and she makes the connection from Nancy name-dropping Aguatecture earlier to Doug's involvement in it, as was articulated here. Doug asks her what she knows about it, and Celia stalks off saying, "Not enough."
Botwins', where Silas is in Nancy's bedroom trying to convince her to fire Tara because she's "untrustworthy." Oh, of course he is. Whiny little shit. But here's where, for the first time ever, Nancy's monstrously crappy parenting actually comes all the way around to being good for the kid, because she refuses to fire Tara on account of her being Nancy's top earner and all. She tells Silas that when he starts bringing in Tara-sized money, he can start making demands, but until then he's just going to have to suck it up and deal. Awesome. Then, however, she downshifts into Mom mode and tells Silas she sorry that "little bitch" broke his heart and that he's too good for her. And also he could use a haircut. Uh...good work, Nancy! It feels weird to say that.
Shifting, then, to children who Nancy isn't doing such a hot job of parenting, we see Shane has been assigned the task of wiring the house for security. Andy comes outside to find him on a ladder installing a camera above the front door. Andy thinks it's pretty cool and asks if Shane could possibly point one at the -door neighbor's college-aged daughter's bedroom. Oh, Andy -- you lovable potential statutory rapist. Of course, he redeems himself via Shane, as always; he tells him that Judah was also good at stuff like this, building and installing things. Andy, for his part, took the opposite road and blew things up and destroyed things, which he laments doesn't have much real-world application if you're not a terrorist. Shane says that's not true: "You could do special effects for movies, blow tunnels through mountains, building demolition, mining. Blowing shit up is not just for terrorists, don't let them take that away from you!" Awesome. Sanjay rolls up looking, as Andy so complimentarily says, mighty gay today. Shane notes that his friend Isabelle is a lesbian, and Sanjay says if he runs into her at North Valley Gay Pasta Night, he'll say "hey." Sanjay's here to make a buy, which makes it super unfortunate that Val's P.I. is across the street in a van, taking photos.
Celia's used her car's navigation system to guide her to the desolate warehouse parking lot outside Aguatecture. She storms in the front door and finds Heylia and Vaneeta at the front desk. OH MY GOD, Celia and Heylia are occupying the same space and time! By my calculations, Celia has six minutes to get out of there before the entire universe bursts apart from the excess kick-assedness. Celia starts off with a bang by asking, "Where's your owner?" before amending that to "Where's the owner?" She wants to know what goes on here. Heylia smoothly tries to stonewall Celia by explaining the simple concept of fountains shaped like houses. "Aguatecture," she taglines, "you're soaking in it." Heh. Celia gets more imperious and snippy, wondering who the hell would want these tacky-ass fountains. Vaneeta finally gets up and suggests that if Celia's too good for a fountain house, she should get the fuck up on out. Celia continues snooping, saying she wants to look at what's in the back, lying that she needs to use the bathroom, etc. Heylia finally steps in front of her, saying she's all alone in a strange place and she's best think it through. Celia gathers as much haughtiness as she can muster and starts to walk out when Conrad steps out of the back. Celia, of course, recognizes him immediately as Nancy's "carpenter," but it's unclear whether Conrad knows who she is right away. Celia's all, "Well this is interesting," and she leaves. Vaneeta and Heylia turn to Conrad looking like they're gonna want some answers and quick.
Botwins'. Shane is once again trying to show his mom something and Nancy once again wants no part of it. But this time it's serious, as Shane's looking at the video feed from earlier and notes Haskel, Val's P.I., in a pool-cleaning van, checking them out twice in one day. Then he directs her to footage of the same guy, now dressed up like a land surveyor, spying on them right now. Shane looks super scared that the police are staking them out. Nancy's feeling brave, though, so she strides out across the street and confronts the fake surveyor, who pulls out his P.I. card. "What do you want from me?" Nancy asks, mentally calculating how long it would take her to drag him behind the house, sex the hell out of him, and send him on his way, her problems thus having been solved in the manner to which she's become accustomed. Haskel beckons her down the road a bit (uh...why? They're no more secluded ten paces to their left, but whatever) and essentially tells her of his intention to shake her down now that he's got her dead-to-rights on marijuana trafficking. He wants $50,000. Nancy keeps trying to negotiate it down, but he's not budging. He writes down an address where he wants her to meet him, with the money, tomorrow morning. She says she can't come up with 50 grand that quick; yes, she's a drug dealer, but she's got expenses. "Consider this one of 'em," Haskel says.
Celia's at home, drunk and looking at the piles of bills that have, as she slurrily tells Dean and Isabelle, made them poor. Dean sends Isabelle off to Shane's house so she doesn't have to witness the soul-scarring horror that is her parents actually interacting with each other. As Isabelle leaves, Celia scoffs that she's going to "bring Shane's house to the ground before I'm done." She then turns her attention to Dean and asks him about "Aguatecture." So I guess this week Dean is conveniently back in on the grow-op because it suits story purposes. Whatever. Celia threatens him with bodily harm but he won't tell her anything. She finally tips his chair over and steps on his balls until he finally screams that he'll tell her whatever she wants to know. Pussy.
The morning, Nancy meets Haskel at the rendezvous point behind a store somewhere. She's got a bag of money for him, but she asks what's to ensure that he won't use the same information to blackmail her for more money later, since that is what he's doing. He's blackmailing her. He's threatening to destroy her life unless she gives him money. Haskel's like, "Yeah, so?" Okay, Haskel, since I'm already a mile ahead of you, here's some advice: when the lady you're shaking down starts speaking in loud, painstakingly enunciated declarative sentences like this, it means she's wearing a wire. And indeed, Nancy is wearing a wire that Shane helped her pick out yesterday. So now she's got Haskel by the balls just like he's got her, and since blackmail is a felony too, this mutually assured destruction gives them both incentive to leave the other alone. And yet, weirdly enough, Nancy gives him the blackmail money anyway. Why? My suspicion is that it's so she can have the scene we're about to see...
...where Nancy shows up in front of Valerie's work and tells her that the P.I. she hired shook Nancy down and took all the money she was going to give Val, so now that money's all gone. The thing is, Nancy doesn't technically owe Val this money legally, which is what she tells Val right here. What she doesn't tell her is that she did feel like she owed Val this money morally, and that's the debt she's trying to get out from under right now. Because if Val sent the P.I., and the P.I. blackmailed her, that means Val's no longer more innocent than she is, which means Nancy no longer has to feel guilty and thus doesn't owe her shit. It's a dark and winding road inside Nancy's head sometimes, but that's what's going on. And after telling her the money's gone, Nancy adds an additional "fuck you" by saying she thought she needed a friend, but she really doesn't. "Don't call me," she says definitively and drives off. Okay, A) Nancy clearly did need a friend, and it makes me sad to think she's now convinced herself otherwise, and B) if this is the last we've seen of Valerie, I need to mention just one more time that Brooke Smith is the shit and should have a mantle full of awards and made this show so much better these last few weeks.
So Nancy returns home to find Conrad on her couch, and she's smart enough to know this isn't good news. Conrad tells her about Celia stopping by Aguatecture. He had no idea what she was up to, but he still had her number from back when he banged her, so he called her up. She told him that she knows Nancy fucked her boyfriend, she knows Nancy's back selling drugs, and she'll be in touch. Conrad: "How bad is this, Nancy?"
Oh, SHIT. Celia's gotta die, y'all.