The morning after Nancy and Conrad TOTALLY DID IT, Nancy returns home, reading a newspaper article about a stolen cross. She's not so interested in it until she comes in her front door and...sees it taking up her entire foyer, flanked by Doug and Andy. They start laying into her for all the sinning she's obviously been doing, and she absently demands the removal of the cross and dismisses Doug (which is the last you'll be seeing of him in the episode, boo), as Andy starts nagging her about offering their customers some "biker bambi." With Shane loitering around, listening intently, Nancy pretty quickly figures out what's going on: Andy met a biker chick. Andy admits it readily enough, and says that Chess just wanted Nancy to think about it. Nancy asks why Chess knows anything about her, and Andy admits that part was kind of creepy. Shane breaks in to say it isn't good that Chess is aware of Nancy, and with Andy still whining at Nancy not to cockblock him, she wanders out, ordering Andy to have Doug remove the cross. Shane asks Andy how Doug did get an eighteen-foot cross inside Nancy's house, anyway, and Andy guesses that it was a miracle. Shane: "I don't believe in miracles. I believe in Pittsburgh." The miracle is that anyone would want to MOVE to Pittsburgh! Ba-dump-bump! I'll be here all night.
Elsewhere in the neighbourhood, Heylia and Vaneeta are taking the baby for a walk. Vaneeta's excited to be hanging out somewhere without graffiti and junkies on the corners, but Heylia tells her that it's only temporary, and that there are plenty of junkies around -- they're just not on the corner, because they have air conditioning. Heh. Every jogger that passes them goes out of his or her way to greet the ladies, and Heylia notes that they say "good morning," but that what they mean is "I'm not racist." Vaneeta cracks up. It beats plying the drug trade in Baltimore, anyway.
Nancy -- in a handkerchief top and cuffed shorts and too-high chunky sandals (a little youthful, but I'll allow it) -- wanders into the kitchen at the new grow house, where Conrad is messing around with his plants. She asks how they're doing, and he starts to answer that it's going to take a little time to get back up to speed, before smoothly checking that they're still talking about the crop. Nancy says that they are, and that she was thinking of investigating a new supply line. Conrad coos, "I can't fill you back up right now," so Nancy says that she'll look into the other supplier, and then they're making eyes at each other and are about to start with the outmaking when Heylia enters, complaining that she can smell the house from two blocks away. Conrad suggests that she plant some fragrant herbs outside. Speaking of smell, Nancy leans in and whispers to Conrad that he needs a shower as she flounces toward the door. Heylia asks why she isn't staying to help, and Nancy claims that she "doesn't have the green thumb." She gives Conrad a significant look -- plainly inviting him to check what colour each of her body parts may be -- and leaves. Heylia crabs to Conrad, "She just has the white attitude." What attitude might that be? I'm so glad you asked!
Cut to: Sullivan's office. He's on the phone when Celia enters with a baseball bat and starts smashing up the place -- starting with knickknacks and moving on to his glass desktop and windows and the glass case over the miniature model of Majestic. By the time a bunch of staffers have gathered in the doorway, Celia takes the opportunity to tell Sullivan she hopes, for Nancy's sake, that he used a condom: "God forbid that you should replicate." She ends by smashing Sullivan's glass desktop, smugly tossing him the bat (at which he flinches, naturally), and sauntering out. See? Compared to that, whatever Nancy's got barely qualifies as white pique.
Grow house. Celia roars up in her car and finds Conrad tweaking something electrical outside, babbling to him that she wants to be on the team, and "one of the cool kids." He tries to tell her that her role on the team is to collect her rent every month, but Celia's still on a high from her confrontation with Sullivan and wants to do something a little more interesting. Conrad quickly groks that there's no point arguing with her in this moment and promises that he'll think of something for her to do. Until then, he hands her a pair of pliers, and she considers them for a second, chirping, "I'm helping, Daddy! Aren't I? [crazy-lady laugh]" Conrad looks duly alarmed. Maybe her first job should be to "test" some of the product.
At his office, Sullivan's sifting through the wreckage on his floor when Tara enters. He bitches at her for being so late, and says he really needs to smoke out. Looking around, she replies that he must, and puts the pipe in his mouth and lights it for him, asking what happened there. He distractedly says that it was a sign that he needs to move on to his "shitty, prefab Jesus town." Tara mildly chides him for taking the Lord's suburban developments in vain like that, and says she'll be sorry to see him go, since he's one of her best customers. Sullivan tells her she could come with him, though the come-on is pretty half-assed -- seems like a reflex, really. She declines, saying she likes the shitty, prefab Jesus town, and teeters out of there on her too-high heels. They'll just always look like they're playing dress-up to me, those Olsens. (I realize that when I write that, I just sound old, but I don't care. They should get their hair out of their faces, too.)
Chez Chess. Still in her wispy top and shorts, Nancy sits opposite Chess, while Andy and Denise chill on the couch, framed between the grownups. Chess leads with a reference to the MILFweed, which either irritates or unnerves Nancy (it's hard to tell with that lockjawed accent of hers). He suggests an icebreaking game of Risk -- which Andy is all for -- but Nancy pokes him, and Chess notes that "Mommy is all business." He goes to the back room and returns with a bag of weed, telling Nancy that it'll make her housewife customers forget "that their husbands won't fuck them." Nancy gives him a bit of a look -- whether for the sexist comment, or because Chess doesn't know enough about her business to realize that she hasn't ever dealt toa housewife that we've seen -- and asks him how much. He says it's $5000 for a pound, and Nancy, getting up, tests the heft of the bag and diagnoses it as being a little short. Chess kind of condescendingly says that she's sharp, and offers to give her 10% off, and take it on consignment, as long as she comes back soon with that $5000. Nancy -- who's spent this whole scene ping-ponging back and forth between annoyed impatience and disarming grins, per usual (while Andy flirts -- again, per usual -- seducing Denise with talk of Risk) reminds him that 10% off would make it $4500, and Chess is like, "Got me again, heh heh!" Nancy guesses (and Denise confirms) that "Chess" is short for "Chester" (a name Denise says he hates), and Nancy immediately starts undermining him by calling him Chester instead (bush league, but so's Chester, so whatever) as she drags Andy bodily out of the house, blue balls and all.
Nancy's. The alarm goes off, and Shane, brandishing a hockey stick, starts racing through the house, checking everyone's door; none of Andy, Silas, or Nancy has apparently been in bed. Shane comes downstairs, calling, "Mom? Dad?," finally -- after WAY too long for this viewer's taste -- managing to turn off the pealing alarm. In the quiet that ensues, Shane looks directly to the camera and greets whomever he apparently sees there, saying "it was just a bug in the system." That's one way to say it. A mental-health professional may have a different interpretation.
The day, Celia shows up at the grow house, bringing plants to Vaneeta and Heylia (who are already out front, planting) and bitching that she thought she'd get to do something more exciting. What, like ride shotgun at a drive-by? You have to work your way up to that gig. She strikes a pose by the garage and, off Heylia's look, carps that she's "part Viking" and can't take the heat. Heylia archly notes that it sounds more like a hot flash -- which Celia doesn't deny -- and asks whether Celia's taking estrogen. Celia says she can't, because of her cancer. Heylia says she's tried everything -- HRT, ERT, herbs. Celia merrily says that vodka and cigarettes have been the only things that have worked for her, and Heylia decides that's as good a cue as any to take a break and have a butt. The two ladies light up, Celia asking whether Heylia has a man, and if so, whether he's a "piece-of-shit lying asshole." She forgot "hairy" and "crippled." Heylia says that she's starting to think she's destined to be alone, and that there's no shame in it. Celia whispers that she gets lonely, and Heylia sasses that she should get a dog. Celia says she's not good with animals. Heylia: "Men are animals!" Oh, show. You're better than that. At this, Vaneeta breaks in: "Two of the scariest bitches on the planet -- no wonder nothing with a dick wants to come within a hundred yards of either of you." Heylia tartly comments that Vaneeta's not exactly combing dudes out of her braids these days either: "So shut the fuck up, Vaneeta!" "Yeah, shut the fuck up, Vaneeta!" Celia mimics, trying it out and apparently really liking the sound of it. Heylia can't help cracking up. Oh, I really love the idea of these two becoming friends -- it's too perfect.
At the Majestic Senior Center, the guy who played Pickles on Scrubs is playing some kind of card game -- though apparently by himself, because Tara's doggedly reading to him from the Bible. He tells her to get to the punchline, already, and she's like, "It's a resurrection story," just like the one she was reading him last week. He says he doesn't know about that; what he does know is that what she's just sold him is "ditchweed." She takes a hit and agrees that it's sub-par, apologizing profusely; Silas enters at this point and says that's what he's been hearing all over town. As Pickles goes into the bathroom to take a typical old-man four-hour pee, Silas and Tara have a talk about the relationship we totally don't care about. He says he doesn't like to share, but she makes him admit that she's worth it (doubtful), and they make out, which Mary-Kate Olsen looks really bad at.
At Nancy's, Sanjay is also complaining to Nancy about Chess's terrible weed. She tries to deflect by making jokes about his dumb gay-bar outfit -- which is leather-intensive (or, more likely, pleather-intensive) -- but finally admits that she won't have any MILFweed for another week. Sanjay tells her to step on it, because Clinique needs a sonogram and those aren't cheap. And something tells me Clinique wouldn't be interested in moving to Cuba to get one. Or even Canada. Nancy asks whether Sanjay's really ready to be a father. Sanjay: "Do I look like I am ready to be a father?" He's wearing a leather vest, leather pants, and a t-shirt that appears to be horizontal stripes of jersey, and...leather. So he has a point. On the other hand, Malcolm Forbes had kids. It's a crazy world. Once he's gone, Nancy smells the bag, and seems to agree that he's right.
Tattoo parlor. Nancy -- now in a wispy white top -- is getting a tattoo somewhere south of the equator. The artist says he's always curious about the tattoos his clients choose, and she says that she thinks this one chose her. The idea behind it is "'Thug' means never having to say you're sorry." The artist thinks she means "love," but she says that love has you apologizing all the time, which he can't really deny. He asks her if she wants to look at his handiwork, and as she turns around to look in a mirror, we see that the tattoo is on the upper part of her left ass cheek: a U-Turn symbol, in a square. Nancy looks pleased. Odd choice, sure, but you have to admire the iconic simplicity. Her second choice was probably a letter from the New York subway system -- who doesn't love Helvetica, right?
Chez Chess. Nancy -- now in a sort of grecian halter dress, with ribbon-ish bands around the ribcage (I swear all this noting of her outfits is about to be important) -- stops by to bring Chess his $4500. He tries to hook her up with her supply, but she's all, "That's cool, we're all set." Chess doesn't get it, and Nancy explains that her customers didn't like it -- but it's not a dis; his stuff is merlot, and they like cabernet. Chess tries to get a rise out of her by saying that it sounds like her customers are gay, and Nancy breezes that "some of them are," because hello, they're in L.A., not Utah, and adds with a bit of an edge, "Most of them just don't like your weed." As she's heading for the door, Chess asks her out for dinner, and Nancy easily says that she doesn't mix the business and the personal. Chess reminds her that she just told him their business relationship is over, and she says that they're not "doing the personal either." Chess meaningfully tells her to think it over, and that he'll be in touch. Nancy: "Touch yourself, Chester. I gotta go." She strides out without a backward glance, leaving Chess, the just-rejected, among his buddies, all of whom look a bit stunned. One guy comments that Nancy's got balls. "Yes, she does," Chess agrees. "But who wants a chick with fucking balls?" Oh, you'd be surprised, Chester. Some of Nancy's customers are probably into that.
Grow house. Nancy -- back in her shorts, so what the hell is up with the timeline, here? -- comes into the kitchen and has to stop dead when she sees the latest decorating choice: Doug has rigged up the wiring and mounted the giant cross over the plants, where it can beam Jesus' pure light into all the plants. Boy, Tara will really be able to unload that stuff now. Nancy wanders through to follow a sound from the adjacent room -- Conrad's bouncing a golf ball off the floor. "Whore," he says. She's like, "I just got here?" Conrad tosses her the golf ball, and we see it's one of Doug's, with "WHORE" written on it. Nancy lurches into a chair, and Conrad pours her a glass of wine. She quickly downs it. "That kind of day," Conrad observes. "Only kind I know," Nancy replies. Oh, poor you. What's the matter, your Marc Jacobs heels are too tight? Get ten more pairs and pick the one that really makes you feel like a prom queen. Anyway, Conrad tells her about the fruit he's cut up, laid out for them, and set at the opposite end of the table so that when Nancy gets up to reach for it, the back of her top falls away and he can see her new ink. "Please tell me you have a thing for traffic signs," says Conrad warningly. Nancy is very casual about it -- even more so when Conrad starts behaving as though he's assuming she slept with U-Turn. Nancy teases him briefly -- he's relieved when she insists that she never slept with him; less so when she says she just gave him a handjob. "Do I believe you?" demands Conrad. "You better, if you wanna get lucky tonight," Nancy replies. Softening slightly, Conrad asks why she got the tattoo; she kind of wistfully says she thought it would make her stronger. She crawls onto his lap, and though Conrad feels the need to remind her that U-Turn caused them nothing but pain, she distracts him with the mightiest weapon at her disposal: sexuality.
Nancy's. She's dishing up dinner in the dress from the Chess scene (YOU SEE?) as Shane eagerly quizzes her and Andy about Pittsburgh. It is just fascinating, and yet everyone's attention is distracted from Shane when Silas enters, all tore up. With Nancy and Andy fussing over him, Silas says he was in his car, stopped at a light, when three guys on motorcycles jumped him: "They're coming after all of us." Nancy doesn't have time to get too horrified about that yet because she has to start trying to clean up Silas, and then the alarm goes off again. Andy darts over to the computer to try to turn it off, yelling to Shane to come fix it, but Shane totally ignores everything going on around him, so busy is he listing Pittsburgh neighbourhoods, in alphabetical order. Andy finally manages to turn off the screeching, and Shane yelps that he can name them all in reverse order, too. Nancy asks who he's talking to. Gazing straight at the (apparently empty) chair across from him, Shane chirps, "Dad!" As everyone else who's actually visible in the room takes a second to let that soak in, Shane returns to his partner in Pittsburgh trivia: "Can too!" He starts listing all the neighbourhoods backwards while the other Botwins look sadly at their beloved little crackpot.
week: Guillermo Diaz is back!