Before I get started, I want to address something that was mentioned on the boards. Someone counted me in with the people who think Teddy Dunn has been doing a poor job as Duncan. I don't hold that opinion at all, and I've said so here and here and here. I have commented several times that I don't know what's going on with the character, but that's not a slam on Dunn's acting -- and it's also a good thing since, in this genre, it's necessary to have a few real wild cards in terms of audience awareness of character motivations. I did pan his effort in the confrontation scene with Veronica in "Weapons Of Class Destruction," I'll admit, but for most of that scene he was merely mildly subpar; it was the very end -- with the pinched face and the quivering lip and the backing away from Veronica slowly to substitute for any kind of real expression of feeling -- that I found atrocious. But everyone's allowed an off episode, even if certain members of the main cast never end up needing it. What I'm saying is, I think Teddy Dunn, while not ready to put together an Emmy reel, is doing a job that ranges from sufficient to pretty good, and I hope the last two episodes will play out in such a way to validate more of his acting choices, which happened earlier in the season with the medication and blackout revelations. But lest you think it's all hugs and puppies from me these days, Alyson Hannigan? I gave you a warmup episode, but since you still appear to be Willow, how about casting a spell to make you, you know, not?
We open on a shot of a stuffed Garfield doll hanging inside the windshield of someone's Jeep. I loved Garfield when I was, like, ten. Then I grew up and moved on to more adult things. Like Calvin and Hobbes, for instance. I knew I was getting old when I started to identify with Dilbert. But if I ever look at For Better Or For Worse, euthanasia will be not only appropriate but encouraged. Anyway, there's a traffic snarl in the parking lot of Neptune High, caused by the apparent breakdown of our intrepid heroine's LeBaron. Might want to think about a product-placement fee for Season 2, Chrysler. I mean, with Daimler behind you, I think you might be able to scrape up a little something for a UPN show. Veronica's working under the hood of her car as idiots honk their horns. And speaking of idiots, Dick Casablancas strolls up with a younger kid whom we'll learn is his brother Beaver. I'd be sad that the older brother wasn't named Wally, were his actual name not so undeniably fitting. Also, there's another sense in which Dick goes with Beaver, and if you think the writers didn't think of that, you haven't been watching the show. That also applies if you think that they wouldn't go there because it's a little incestuous and creepy. And one last point about names: I dropped the moniker "Ugly Owen Wilson" for two reasons. One, as I implied earlier, there's just something very satisfying about calling this character "Dick." And two, I recently saw a current picture of the famous original, and I have to concede that the nickname "Ugly Owen Wilson" is now woefully redundant. I'd go with "Poor Man's Owen Wilson," but that's a lot longer than "Dick," and I'm still in the first minute here.
So. Dick and The Beav make snide comments about white trash and cinderblocks, prompting a half-assed "Guys, come on" from Logan. I'd wonder if Veronica's annoyed that he's not really sticking up for her here, but since she'll soon learn that "sticking up" doesn't have the most positive connotations in this episode, I think she'll probably let it go. She doesn't, however, let Dick and the Beav get away without sarcastically parroting their routine back to them as she finishes fixing her car and starts the engine. Dick and the Beav are rendered speechless, and that's the cheapest two for one I ever did see. Also, you'd think Dick might tread a little lightly here, considering his own automotive troubles that last time he took Veronica on, but it's possible that he's too dumb to have made the connection. Logan's quietly amused, and he and Veronica share a surreptitious look before he heads off with Team Casablancas. Their team bus, needless to say, is short. As are other things of theirs, I have little doubt.
Pretty girl, dorky guy. "Tad" can't believe that his girlfriend, who is pretty and Latina and I'm only mentioning that latter point because it is important to the plot, is dumping him after two years. She tells him that he's graduating, and that she doesn't want to do the long-distance thing. Been there. Tad protests that it would only be for a year, but she counters that he's going to the Naval Academy and then the Navy, and basically? Ship out, Tad. Although joining the Navy does seem like one good solution to that dreadful flat parted hair he's sporting. Still, I think a salon would work fine too, and given the tattoo he ends up with, he might as well get used to that scene now. Tad pathetically gives the girl a CD, saying it's something he wrote for her, but she still turns to go. He calls her back, though, and shows her a video on his cell phone. We don't get to see it yet, but given the tone of the giggling on the soundtrack, it does appear that our girl has starred in her own version of sex, lies, and T-mobile.
Cut to the girl crying in the bathroom as she tells Veronica she doesn't even remember doing whatever it is she did. Veronica is sympathetic, no stranger to painful non-memories herself. She asks if the video is of the girl and Tad having sex, but the girl clarifies that it's worse -- she was skinny-dipping, and she had a Popsicle. She doesn't complete the thought, but it's implied that her performance with the wooden stick is straight out of Bill Cosby's wildest dreams. (Scrub your brain -- the bleach is on me.) Veronica asks if she thinks Tad would really go through with it, but the girl is understandably unwilling to take that chance, and asks Veronica to get her Tad's phone. "You can do that, can't you?" Veronica: "Bank on it." Credits.
And we haven't left the bathroom, as Veronica and Logan are going at it hot and heavy. Considering we've seen this room used and referred to as her office, she is opening herself up for a lecture about decorum in the workplace. Of course, said lecture would be inaudible over all the squealing and the swooning and rushing to get smelling salts this scene no doubt produced, so it doesn't seem like there's any point. Logan breaks the clinch, and Veronica breathlessly says that she blockaded the door and hung an "Out Of Order" sign. One of these days, a custodian's going to come in and get more than he bargained for. Logan says that a boy in a girls' bathroom is wrong. And here I thought he and Rickie Vasquez had so much in common. He apologizes for the behavior of Team Casablancas, but Veronica's unbothered, and besides, they have to keep up appearances so that Duncan doesn't find out about them from anyone else. So, has Veronica dropped Duncan as a suspect in the murder? Because if not, I can't imagine that would be her first concern upon Duncan's reappearance. Logan agrees with Veronica, and then tells her he's "beyond tardy" for his Physics class. She hands him an "untraceable" date-stamped tardy slip, and smiles, "I know people." And I'm sure said "people" would be very glad to learn that you're using your overextended goodwill with "them" to illicitly make out with the "obligatory psychotic jackass." About as glad as "their" "mothers" dating your father makes "them," that is. Logan and Veronica kiss some more as she breathes out some Physics equations, which is a little ironic, since this whole scene is one big chemistry lesson. He leaves, and VMVO says she needs to cool down. I'd suggest a cold shower, but I have a feeling there's a run on water at the moment. VMVO goes on that she promised "Carmen" that she'd help her: "Thank God for disposable cell phones."
Walking down the hall, Veronica asks Wallace what's wrong. He says that he watched their parents cuddle on the couch the night before, and his eyes, "they burn." Heh. Veronica asks if he has any idea what they do on Mondays and Wednesdays from 6 to 10 "that requires an overnight bag." Wallace theorizes that they play Bingo: "That's my story. I'm sticking with it." Well, Wallace, I'm not sure I agree, but I'd imagine that the ecstasy of getting that fifth number at least produces similar sound effects to whatever it is your mom might be doing. Even the shout of "Bingo!" might be a commonality. Veronica hands Wallace a slip of paper and asks him to call the number on it halfway thorough sixth period. This is as good a time as any to say that one of my readers emailed me to tell me that she was in this episode as an extra in several spots, the first being right here -- she's the one with the red shirt with her back to the camera, brown hair in a ponytail. I know that Wonderwilma from the forums was in this episode as well, but I don't know what she looks like. Both women will also be in the ep, though. Hi, y'all! Veronica sees Tad, and asks Wallace to help her out as she hands him a phone. She starts backing up from Wallace, saying "he" was all, "No, way," and she was like, "YEAH, way!" I think if the word "way" were eliminated from the English language, the entire state of California would sink into the sea in a state of utter confusion. Also, hee. Veronica succeeds in getting Tad to bump into her, and while his attention is directed her way, Wallace drops the phone in Tad's backpack. He's got a killer crossover, you know.
Veronica walks into a classroom, continuing her ditzy teen talk into a phone. The fact that no one is responding on the other end doesn't deter her, temporarily making her a more typical teenager than we've ever seen. The Asian male teacher asks what she's doing and, after "hanging up" and confirming that it's study hall, tells him she was excused from gym for "personal reasons." The teacher manages not to make a face at that revelation, outdoing me by a long shot. He does, however, confiscate her cell phone, telling her she can pick it up after school.
Wallace is watching a film about symbiosis. Perhaps not wanting to think about how it applies to Alicia and Keith, he makes a call...
...and in the study hall, the planted phone in Tad's bag rings. He pulls out his actual phone and complains it's not even on, but the teacher is unimpressed, claiming that he's an "equal-opportunity confiscator." Hee. Tad gives up his phone.
In another science-looking classroom, Veronica approaches the teacher and asks, since she volunteered to separate the recycling from the cafeteria trash, if she could be excused early, The teacher simply smiles her permission, as she doesn't have her Smell A Great Big Lie card. ("SAGBL" just doesn't sound as good.)
Veronica runs to the study hall and asks for her phone back. The teacher opens a drawer, but Veronica grabs Tad's phone instead, which has a "Fly Navy" sticker on it. The requisite fairy joke is beneath even me. Veronica bumps into Tad on her way out, and makes herself scarce. Tad tries to retrieve his phone, but only sees a disposable one. He complains to the teacher, who's all, "Mm MM mm?" Hee. I wonder if I could subcontract my forums out to this guy. Tad breathes, "Veronica Mars." That's her name -- don't you forget it. Perhaps you should look into a tattoo, if you can spare a shoulder for a female name.
Mars Investigations. Veronica asks Keith why he's smiling, and Keith says he's savoring the irony, since the Kanes are offering a $50,000 reward for information on Duncan's whereabouts. Keith says that could be Veronica's first two years at an Ivy League school. As a graduate of an Ivy League school, I feel qualified to offer this reasoned and scholarly rebuttal: As if. Keith thinks it will be easy to find Duncan, but Veronica wonders if it might not actually be such a lark, since she gave Duncan some detailed information on how to disappear. Keith looks like he's wondering if San Diego State might be more appropriate for Veronica after all. Since things are getting a little awkward, you'd think an interruption would be welcome. Since the intruder is Alicia, who's humming and sashaying and carrying some sort of bag for a purpose Veronica doesn't want to consider, you might want to reconsider. Keith doesn't give up where they're going, and suggests that Veronica get started on the Duncan's passport thing. She'll get right on that, as soon as she feels comfortable ditching the fetal position.
Sometime later, Carmen enters Mars Investigations, and gets Tad's phone from Veronica. She asks whether Veronica watched the video. Carmen, given the scene with Keith and Alicia, Veronica's had enough trauma just imagining sexual practices today. She's not seeking out any more pain. Veronica does point out the obvious, though -- that the phone might not have contained the only copy of the video. Carmen says that Tad isn't a "think-ahead kind of guy," and then picks up a trophy or something from the desk and smashes the phone. If, as I speculated earlier, it's a T-Mobile, I totally understand. Veronica laughs, but her smile fades when she gets an IM from "Top Gun" who, Carmen says, is Tad. Okay, if that's his handle, are we really supposed to think he's not getting any action from guys? He must at least have been Goosed. The IM reads, "Nice try," and then a file starts playing of Carmen making lewd noises as she fellates a Popsicle. Hey, "fellates" is in my MS Word dictionary. My reaction is, "Did I put that in there?" Which, coincidentally enough, is a question that Carmen must have asked herself at some point or another. Also, I'm sure y'all are sharp enough to realize this, but Tad has been sitting on that video of Carmen for a year and a half without her knowledge, so it's only logical to assume that he was holding it to blackmail her in case she left him, or he was holding it for fantasizing purposes, or both. Lovely. Carmen and Veronica ride their shock into the commercial break.
Mac is back! Veronica is tasking her with finding out if any passports were ordered off eBay to the Neptune area. Mac says that she'll get back to her, and leaves. Veronica looks across the courtyard as VMVO notes that Carmen and Tad are back together. Weevil happens by at that point, loudly complaining to the bikers that a "neighborhood girl" like Carmen is wasting her time with a white boy. You'd think he would have gotten all such comments out in the two years they've been dating, but whatever. A newly-shaved-head-sporting Felix says something dumb about Weevil's having had a crush on Carmen in the past. It's possible that this little scene could have been cut. Hey, watch it with the tomatoes! That one grazed my ear!
Cut to a guy looking at a billboard for the prom. He complains ever-so-slightly swishily to a large female about the stupid ritual of prom. Tad, tulip that he is, calls the guy "queer bait," and some asshole friend of his asks if the gay prom isn't at the Dog Beach men's room. Y'all can just make your own George Michael joke. The dude flips up Tad's collar with a "See you there, sailor!" He should have added, "Can't you see we need a hand? Come and join your fellow man!" He makes comments about pounding and rear admirals, and asks, "Isn't just joining the Navy alone gay enough to get you thrown out of the Navy?" You're not supposed to ask those kinds of questions, kid. Because that leads to telling, and Lord knows we can't have that. Tad's losing steam, but his asshole friend makes a crack about "fairies and fat chicks." Carmen looks over at Veronica in distress, and VMVO wonders why Carmen would want to dump "such a charmer." Other than the woman-hating possible closet case self-loathing, I can't think of a reason. Except his hair.
Sometime later, Carmen walks with Veronica and says she doesn't know how long she can keep it up, and Veronica advises her to form an "exit strategy." I'm going to spare you a gay innuendo here, but only because I'm hitting up against a quota here, and need to pace myself. Carmen says she's going to end up a "downloadable national joke, right up there with Paris Hilton." HA! That'll teach you to show up late on set, you nasty cooze. There's also a possible Arrested Development shout-out in there about a video of "a Star Wars kid," which is a completely different George Michael joke. Veronica counsels Carmen to find something that would ruin Tad, so that she can threaten "mutually assured destruction." And that's a concept with which she's well familiar, considering the relationship she's in at the moment. Carmen thinks Veronica won't find any dirt on Tad, but Veronica says it'll be no problem, as long as Carmen is willing to get her hands dirty. Considering what she did to the Popsicle stick, I'd say that's a decent bet. Veronica tells Carmen to invite Tad for a romantic afternoon on the Neptune boardwalk.
Veronica pulls into Weevil's uncle's auto shop. Veronica tells Weevil that the car's got alternator trouble. Weevil brings up the reward the Kanes are offering. Veronica's still slightly attitudinal about what happened at the end of the last episode, but Weevil points out that if Veronica really thought he'd hurt Lilly, she'd have a homing device "on his ass." Well, there are only so many asses she can keep track of at once, and I have a feeling Tad's is going to keep her pretty busy. Also, I neglected to point this out last week, but Weevil could have been after Lilly's pen just because the idea that Koontz wasn't actually the killer put the notion in his head that the pen might contain a clue to the killer's identity -- it doesn't necessarily mean he was covering his own actions. Veronica's smile confirms Weevil's analysis, and he takes advantage of the goodwill by offering her some information for 10% of the reward, namely that Duncan bought a "crapped-out Impala" from his uncle's friend "a few weeks back." Is that how much time has passed since Duncan took off? Seems like a lot, but then again, if he's substituting tequila for his epilepsy medication, he could be losing days at a time here. Most of us don't even need the medication factor to achieve that result when tequila is involved. Still, I would have thought the Kane parents would at least have put Wiedman on the case. Duncan's probably a major shareholder of Kane Software, after all. Veronica tells Weevil that if the information pans out, she'll give him 8%, if he throws in the alternator. Weevil agrees. Ironic that last week's dog-themed episode was the only one wherein he didn't heel when Veronica ordered him to.
Cut to Veronica coming out of the lot as she gives the license plate of the car Duncan bought to Keith over the phone. Logan pulls up, and she gets into the passenger seat as she finishes up the call. He could have come in and said hi to Weevil, but love triangles are always awkward. And painful. Logan smiles as he notes, "It's always business with you..."
...and we cut to them making out as they enter the Echolls home. You know a show's good when they can pull off that sort of "ironic" transition without making me want to lay waste to all the soundstages in Los Angeles. Of course, the show's filmed in San Diego, but the principle is the same. Logan informs Veronica that Haaron's at some sort of enlightenment class, and Trina's at a "purse-store opening." If Alyson Hannigan's acting isn't going to improve, I can only hope that one of those purses opens wide and swallows her like a Venus flytrap. And now I've got "Little Purse Of Horrors" stuck in my head. It's kind of catchy, actually. Logan says that Haaron is taking a variety of classes, including tae kwon do. I hope he wasn't taking that at the time of the last episode, because if he was, the section on using the discipline only for self-defense seems to have been sadly lacking. Logan also points out a glass urn that Haaron made to house Lynn's ashes, only since a body was never discovered, he filled it with sea water. I can't tell if the replica's authentic -- does anybody know what color collagen is?
All this talk of dead mothers would make anyone hot, so Logan and Veronica resume their mack session. Veronica asks if the thing between the two of them will ever get more normal. Unless there's a drastic change to the writing staff season, I'm going to go with "no." Logan asks if she means him buying her stuffed bears that read "I Love You Beary Much." Much to my surprise, Veronica says she wants her bear won through some sort of demonstration of ring-tossing ability. Well, Veronica, I just displayed considerable prowess at cookie-tossing ability, but I'm not sure into what that can be parlayed. Logan says that secrets are hot, and they start to fool around out of view until Haaron's throat-clearing interrupts them. After they break apart, Haaron apologizes for the interruption and greets Veronica, explaining that his class was canceled, so he picked up some swordfish and was going to cook. Picking up on something else, he says he'll get out of their hair and, backing away from the horny teens, he encourages them to have some blue corn chips, as he circles both thumbs and forefingers and says they're really good. Hee. Once Haaron's gone, Logan cringes about actually getting caught by his dad making out on the couch. Veronica: "You got caught by your dad. I got caught by the star of Breaking Point and Beyond The Breaking Point." Hee, again. Veronica realizes that she has lipstick on her teeth, and goes to the bathroom. Logan watches her so hungrily that it doesn't occur to him that he should really check his tongue.
In the bathroom, Veronica's freshening up when the doorbell rings. She emerges to see that Haaron is letting in Dick and the Beav. Logan gives them a smile so fake it makes every single facial expression in Gosford Park seem positively sincere by comparison. Dick wonders why Logan couldn't go surfing with them, if he's just sitting around doing nothing, but then spies Veronica's bag and asks if he's got "a chick here." Logan lies that the bag is Trina's, knowing that Dick's too dumb to have watched the opening credits. Haaron, quickly cottoning on, says that he has to get the bag to Trina, and Logan hands it to him with a hesitant smile. As Haaron starts to leave, Logan suggests that he go as well, but Dick won't have it, as they have to discuss that coming weekend, which is their "Annual Surf and Chickfest" in Mexico. Ew. Team Casablancas blathers about beer and waves and "weak-willed cheerleaders" as Veronica wishes desperately that Haaron would get her bag to her so that she doesn't have to vomit on his nice floors. Haaron does, in fact, appear and conspiratorially offer Veronica a ride home. Veronica accepts without much hesitation, apparently not concerned that she recently saw Haaron beyond the breaking point, and it wasn't in a theater.
In the car, Haaron asks Veronica how she is. Veronica tells him she's embarrassed, which seems unnecessary, since if anyone would understand about being caught in a compromising position, it's Haaron. Just be glad you weren't dressed as Little Bo Peep. Haaron asks Veronica how Logan is, and Veronica speculates that he's "coming to terms." Haaron says that Logan was such a good kid before Lilly died. Well, we haven't seen much evidence of that, and I'm sure you'll forgive me if I cast a skeptical eye over the philandering, abusing, crap-movie-making dude's judgment of character. Veronica agrees that Logan has been "difficult" since Lilly died, and Haaron speculates that it's in the genes, since he can be difficult as well. Interesting that one quality that seems to be in the genes is a marked inability to keep it in the jeans. Haaron says that whatever the status of Veronica and Logan's relationship, their secret is safe with him, and he just appreciates what Veronica is doing to help Logan. Veronica seems surprisingly unsuspicious about all this, given that, despite Haaron's attempts at friendly sincerity, my skin couldn't be crawlier if it had a dozen millipedes on it. Of course, Veronica did say that Lynn was always nice to her, so it's not a stretch to think Haaron was as well.
Haaron and Veronica reach their destination, which looks like a much nicer neighborhood than the one in which Veronica lives, as Haaron says he's glad she and Logan are together: "I like what I see in him when he's with you." I assume that he means how Logan's been lately in general, since I can't imagine Logan's pretending that Veronica wasn't there in front of his friends caused Haaron's chest to swell with fatherly pride. (You're your own follow-up joke about Haaron and swelling.) Veronica smiles and gets out, and VMVO says that with the "talk with Dad," her relationship with Logan is officially off the ground, just in time for Tad and Carmen's relationship to crash and burn. Man. I cannot imagine this show without regular appearances by Harry Hamlin now. Which just goes to show you that no matter how long you're at this job, there's always another sentence you never thought you'd see yourself type.
Boardwalk. Tad sips a Slurpee-like drink as he notes that it's got a lot of vodka in it. He and Carmen don funny hats and get their picture taken. Carmen then convinces Tad to get a tattoo. Later, Tad's in a wifebeater, which I'm sure is prescient, and we see that he's got a bandage over the tattoo as he drunkenly says that he doesn't know what it is about Carmen that makes him "plumb loco." Man, is that anotherGreat Brainreference? Just have him put on a serge worsted suit and go play Kick The Can with Sweyn and T.D. already. Carmen says she wants him to try something really crazy, and go talk to "Seth," the gay kid from earlier, who just happens to be strolling nearby. She tells Tad that she heard Seth has the best Ecstasy in school, and she thought they could take it on Prom Night. Tad practically skips over to talk to Seth, and he seems pretty willing to play fast and loose with drugs in his system, for someone who's going into the armed services in a month. Tad shakes Seth's hand, and as they broker a deal that involves a lot of touching and leaning in on Tad's part, Veronica snaps some photos from a distance. I'll say this much: for all his homophobic comments, if this is what he's like after a couple vodkas, I can hardly wait to see what he's like after he drops a tab of Ecstasy. From the safety of my living room, that is.
Veronica examines the gay, gay photos on her computer. She tells Carmen that all they need now is a soundtrack. With her hair cutely piled up in a small bun on top of her head, she instructs Carmen to be natural and intimate with Tad. I'd think those two were mutually exclusive when it comes to dealing with Tad, but I'm not the detective here. Carmen calls Tad and tells him what a great time she had at the boardwalk. Tad makes comments about her being in his bed and erotic experiments and being curious. Mission accomplished, Carmen asks Veronica how it was. Veronica opines that it was "a little scary," thinking, as I did, that Tad's got a good potential career in gay phone sex. And if he wants to graduate to full-on porn, he'll already have the uniform.
Chez Mars. Keith runs in, and Veronica tells him it's "Chicken Kiev night." Aw. Keith blows off that dish, however, and Veronica assumes that it's in favor of hanging out with his woman yet again. VMVO: "The mystery bag? On a Tuesday? My own dad has lost total libidinal control." Not to be ageist, but ew. However, the truth, as Keith says on his way out, is that Duncan's car was spotted outside Tijuana. As he closes the door, he crows, "Yale, baby!" Veronica looks discomfited. I knew she was a Princeton girl.
Tijuana. Keith knocks on a motel room wherein he suspects is Duncan, with a Speedy Gonzales-sounding "room sairrrvice." Heh. He opens the door to find a woman in bed, who hastily covers herself before Keith can whip out a camera phone. Some guy in a law-enforcement uniform comes out and, as Keith tells Veronica in the scene, the guy found the car abandoned at the bus station with a case of beer in the front seat and a sign in Spanish reading "free car." Hmm. If Duncan abandoned the car in Tijuana, I wonder how he returned, assuming he did. I suppose he could have hired someone to drive him back across the border, but a transportation-less white boy carrying oodles of cash seems like an easy target for mischief. Keith explains that the car was a decoy: "Maybe Duncan's smarter than I always give him credit." I know! And here everyone thought he was losin' it!
At school, Veronica wraps up the call with Keith and goes in to see Mac, who's still working on the passport issue. Mac's looking at the online "Swingles" dating profile of a "Mr. Heinrich," who seems to have stolen Burt Reynolds's sunglasses and gold chain from Boogie Nights. Veronica, after the obligatory round of bamp chicka wow wow, asks how long it would take Mac to create a "highly incriminating, thoroughly libelous, sexually explicit website?" Mac says forty-five minutes, give or take. She should email Glark and see if she can get a more competitive offer. Mac says she'll get on it as soon as she reads about Mr. Heinrich's special interests. If girls who never take their roller skates off is on there, I'll know my analysis of his accessories is correct. Seth walks in and brightly asks if that's his math teacher. Veronica hands Mac an envelope with the "ammo," says Seth will help her with the rest, and leaves. Aw, come on, give the gay kid more screen time! The openly gay one, I mean.
But no, we cut to Tad coming to meet Carmen but finding her with Veronica, who flips him back his cell phone as she tells him he and Carmen are broken up. He whines that he didn't want to hurt her, but that she made him. Veronica counters that if he tries to do it again, Carmen will hurt him worse. She displays Mac's handiwork: a website called "Our Precious Secret," which has the pictures Veronica took of Tad and Seth, as well as the ones from the boardwalk booth, with the big-flower-headdress-wearing Carmen Photoshopped out in favor of Seth. Also, the song Tad wrote for Carmen is playing. Tad sniffs that it's all fake, but Veronica clicks on an audio link that plays Tad's side of the phone conversation with Carmen, but with Seth talking gay in response.
And this using the threat of being labeled gay could be construed as slightly bothersome, depending on how you look at it. Earlier this season on Joan Of Arcadia, Joan flirted with outing a student in order to influence the outcome of an election, which I found very problematic, although she at least didn't end up going through with it. But I think this kid, with his Seth-directed homophobia and his threats to publicize a sex act of his girlfriend's, is getting exactly what's coming to him. In other words, it's not the most wonderful message that being gay in high school will make a kid the object of scorn, but since the show is not unrealistically depicting that to be the case, it's reasonable to give a scumbag like this a taste of his own medicine.
Anyway, Tad says he doesn't care what the kids at Neptune think of him, since he'll be gone in a month, but Veronica counters that she's got the emails of all Tad's incoming classmates, and she'll be perfectly happy to send them all the link to the "very special website." And if she does that, mixed in with the scorn will probably be a few offers of some covert action, which will bother him even more. It's hard work being a bigot, you know. Veronica urges Tad to think hard about his move, talks again about "mutually assured destruction," and takes off. Given how this plotline turns out, I wonder if she shouldn't instead have challenged him to a game of tic-tac-toe, but I realize she probably would have beaten him, and that would have defeated the purpose of the demonstration. Tad appeals to Carmen, but she tells him she never wants to speak to him again. She restrains herself from adding "maricon," but given what's to come, she might as well have ditched the discretion.
Veronica's waiting for the school bus when Logan calls to her. He's sitting on her car, since he got his dad's driver to pick it up. It's worth noting that he refers to her car as a "rust bucket," and even though he's joking, it says something about the limits on his potential for change. He tosses her the keys, and she sits to him and wryly says she'll try to remember this gesture when he and Team Casablancas are scamming cheerleaders down Mexico way. Logan says he bailed, as he has other plans. Veronica: "There are cheerleaders with low self-esteem available domestically?" Well, I'll just channel Seth to answer that: girl, please. Logan asks Veronica out on a date Friday night. Veronica can't hide some degree of pleasure as she asks him about maintaining their secret status. Considering you're sitting on a car together in front of the whole school looking at each other for all the world like "That's Amore" should be unironically kicking up right now, perhaps Logan could be forgiven for bravely suggesting that you two be seen in public together.
Logan, however, suggests they try a "practice run" on Catalina Island. Oh, Logan -- romance never ends well at Catalina Island. I would have thought you'd know this, considering you must have seen Billy's Hollywood Screen Kiss. Logan suggests that they skip school and take a ride on Haaron's boat, complete with dinner and a movie. Some people on the forums thought this was an elaborate setup for a high-school date, but it's not like Logan's going to be doing any of the work, and besides, having dated and been best friends with a Kane, I doubt it's going to make Veronica swoon. At least not physically. Veronica agrees, and Logan smilingly confirms that it's an actual date. To which someone will be late. Veronica notes that it's nice of Haaron to let them use the boat, and Logan smiles that he thinks Haaron actually likes Veronica. The millipedes are back in force. Also, it seems like Haaron's blessing of this relationship is pulling him and Logan closer together, which is another relationship that has the potential to put nuclear testing explosions to shame. Logan also starts to imply that he thought she could use a good time "when I heard that stuff about your parents..." Veronica's face falls as she asks what he's talking about, and Logan has probably never been happier to hear Dick's voice calling to him. Although I don't know how he's going to explain this one, particularly since Veronica's sporting "Trina's" bag. Maybe he's depending on the depths of the dumbness of Dick. Logan says there was something in the paper, gives her a place to meet him, and heads off to join Team Casablancas. The meeting place is the "Albacore Club," which if I remember correctly, is a Chinatown reference. Phew. Here I thought the foreshadowing was looking kind of grim, but that turns things right around.
Veronica looks through the paper. In the classifieds section, she finds a "Notice of Service" for a certain Lianne Mars. VMVO reads the ad aloud, in case Dick is watching. It states that legal proceedings have begun in Lianne's name. You know, that ad isn't exactly front-page news. I don't think Logan just happened on it -- it would fit with my speculation last week that he's playing his own twisted little psychodrama with Veronica. Between Weevil's comment about leopards not changing their spots, and Haaron's comment that Logan is like him, I think Veronica's in for a very rude awakening here. It's happened so many times that you'd think she'd just forego sleep entirely, but that does produce nasty bags under the eyes. Veronica makes a call to Cliff, who's with a sassy young black woman who just happens to be Loretta Cancun, the dancer at The Seventh Veil, mentioned in the pilot but never shown. Okay, continuity guys. Now you're just showing off. Loretta sasses about entrapment and testifying while Veronica, unable to hide the dread in her voice, asks why someone would place a notice such as the one she's looking at. Cliff runs through a list of possibilities. Despite the fact that many happenings are causing high blood pressure in this episode, Cliff's inclusion of "divorce" on his list probably isn't going to have anyone reaching for the digitalis.
Cliff asks Loretta to sign something as Veronica sits there, stunned. Seeing that Loretta has written "Screw you, pig," he coaxes her, "Okay, like a big girl now?" HEE hee hee. Loretta, please don't kill him. I like him way too much. In fact, what I said about Harry Hamlin goes double for Daran Norris. Cliff explains that, under California law, you have to post a notice for seven days before you can file for divorce on grounds of abandonment. There's no way I'm researching that, and given that the writers all live in California, I'm going to believe them. Not that I'm hoping any of them have first-hand experience with this statute, but given how twisted this show can be, the question does linger. Cliff hangs up to deal with the big girl as Veronica turns to her computer and connects to the Neptune Register's website. She quickly discovers that the ad has run for six consecutive days. VMVO says something unnecessary as Veronica calls the paper, identifying herself as Keith's assistant, and tries to pull the ad. Unfortunately, they need an account password, and Veronica, defeated, hangs up. I'm surprised she didn't try to guess it, or talk the guy through with her signature blonde act. But perhaps in that moment she realized she needed to GET A GRIP. After a moment, however, she seems to come up with another idea...
...and she's driving, as VMVO tells us she's tracking her dad's cell phone. She justifies it by saying that Keith did it to her first. The fact that he thought she was in mortal peril at the time is a distinction she chooses to ignore, but perhaps she thinks seeing a bullet in your daughter's head is the same as seeing your dad initiate divorce proceedings against your cheating alcoholic runaway mother. Hey, I'm not judging. We all have to twist the abacus sometimes to get us through life. Just try not to break it, Veronica.
Cut to a hotel desk, ostensibly the place the cell phone led Veronica, where the attendant is telling Veronica that there's no one there under either "Mars" or "Fennel." I'd like to know what name Keith did use, but we should probably spare Veronica that information, since she's had enough trauma in her life without finding out that her dad is posing as "Dirk Diggler." Or worse, "Jim Morrison." Veronica hears music coming from the ballroom, and she enters to see Keith and Alicia sharing a lovely dance. Veronica's face breaks as VMVO realizes that Keith is happy. Well, that makes the happy population of Mars exactly one. Veronica leaves.
School. Veronica sunnily greets Carmen, and they smile about what a good morning it is. Oh, dear. Some dickhead asks Carmen if she wants to suck on his Popsicle. The girls looks horrified as Veronica breathes, "Tad pressed the button." Pick out your outfit for the Dog Beach men's room, kid. It'll be a good warmup for your inevitable fate involving "community soap."
Felix is watching the Carmen video on his cell phone before Weevil grabs it away. Man, Brad Bufanda looks pretty tall. Weevil asks where the video came from.
Veronica finds a sobbing Carmen in a classroom. Carmen says that she's waiting for the rest of the school to leave so that she can "sneak home without being assailed with any frozen desserts." And you'd think that was the one upside to this situation. Carmen adds that her parents probably have already seen the video (really?), so she doesn't know where she's going to hide: "Somewhere they don't have computers." I know things look bad now, Carmen, but I'm not sure hiding out in hell is the best solution. They both express disbelief that Tad went through with this horrible plan, but Carmen straightens herself up and says she's still glad she dumped that "idiot loser...crapface." Aw. Veronica smiles, and Carmen adds that she'd rather people think she's trashy than let someone like Tad push her around. Good for you, hon, although if you want people not to think you're trashy, you're going to have to clean up that potty mouth. "Crapface" is just the sort of word that makes distinguished gentlemen drop their monocles in horror.
Veronica opens up her laptop and invites Carmen to do the honors of "outing" Tad, but after some hesitation, Carmen declines to go through with it: "Tearing Tad down isn't gonna make me feel better." And that's true. At least in the long run. Veronica tries to change her mind, but Carmen leaves, saying that revenge just isn't her thing. This isn't the first time a decent girl has expressed reservations about Veronica's "an eye for an eye" approach. It will be interesting to see if she ever takes them to heart. Also, not only is the actress playing Carmen very pretty, but she did a nice job with this performance. When Carmen's gone, Veronica realizes that two boys are watching the video, and stalks over. "It's all fun and games until one of you gets my foot up your ass." So not so much with the rethinking, yet. The boys scatter, and Veronica sits down to a horrifying revelation: she recognizes the background from Shelley Pomeroy's party. A quick flashback confirms that the settings are the same, and VMVO asks: "Could it be the night Carmen gave her boyfriend a sex show in a hot tub that she can't remember the same night I was drugged and raped in a guest bedroom?" Considering how little time we have to wrap up the mysteries of the season, I'm going to have to say KICK SOME ASS, Veronica. Rethinking be damned.
Mars Investigations. Veronica walks in to find Keith sitting at her desk looking at the classifieds she apparently left open. And here the only good thing about the party revelation was that it took her mind off her mom for half an hour. Keith says he knows he should have told Veronica, but he's only taking this step to keep his options open, and it won't necessarily amount to anything. He promises no more surprises. Somewhere, a newborn baby utters "Goo goo ga ga," which translates roughly as "Pull the other one." Veronica: "I just want you to be happy, Dad. And I realize that may involve...surprises." Awwww. Keith goes into his office, and Mac enters with the revelation that someone purchased a "Roberto Nalbandian"'s passport and had it shipped to the airport Marriott. I wonder if someone on the staff is a tennis fan, since Nalbandian is the surname of one of the best players in the world. Veronica introduces Mac and Keith. Keith says "Roberto Nalbandian" with a Spanish trill, and tangoes his way into his office. And if the upcoming scene with Wiedman is any indication, his ability to dance alone is going to come in handy. Mac asks what her share of the bounty on Duncan is, and at this point, Veronica's only going to have enough money for Yale if she lives in a cardboard box. Off-campus. Veronica says that Mac will get her cut, and then asks if there's a way to determine when a video was recorded on a cell phone. Mac says yes, sits down at Veronica's computer, and discovers that the image was captured at 3:23 AM, December 7th, 2003. That matches up, considering Lilly was supposed to have died in October, and it took several weeks for Keith to be removed from office. It also matches up with VMVO's assertion that she and Carmen "don't remember the same night." It will be interesting to discover exactly how that night played out. And I know it's only April, but the "Understatement Of The Year" competition is now over but in name.
Kane Software. Alicia wraps up a call with Keith and enters a darkened conference room, wherein lies Wiedman. It's an intriguing point that she doesn't know who he is. He tells her that he knows Alicia has been seeing Keith "for the past couple months," which matches up with the assertion that Duncan bought the car a few weeks back. It's worth noting that that revelation makes the relationship between Logan and Veronica seem not to be going at quite the breakneck pace I thought. It may be breakneck in other ways very soon, but we'll have to see about that. Wiedman tells Alicia that Keith is a known enemy of Kane Software and the Kane family, and that he's going to have to ask her to stop seeing him. Alicia tells "Mr. Weed" that she'll do no such thing, and that she's been a model employee, but Wiedman produces a small metal device from his pocket, and tells her it's a bug. Moreover, he found it in a houseplant delivered by Wallace. This is absolutely, completely brilliant, especially if you consider that Wiedman might have found the bug a long time ago and fed Veronica the name of Amelia DeLongpre. Also, it follows up on the foreshadowing that helping Veronica would eventually get Wallace in trouble, only it does so in a far crueler and twistier way. And again, it raises questions about whether one or both of the Kane parents are aware of Wiedman's actions. Bravo. The only person who doesn't seem to appreciate this turn of events is Alicia, but Wiedman's tall and menacing enough that she can be forgiven. Oh, and there's also his reiteration that she should stop seeing Keith. Either one.
School. VMVO tells us that she's showing up early, since she's got to hand in an English paper before her little yacht trip. She comes across Tad, who's taped up to the flagpole, Wallace-in-the-pilot-style, only the word on his chest is "SCUM." I guess Veronica's tutoring has been paying off, considering that the word is spelled correctly. She greets Tad with a "How's it hangin'?" Hee. Unlike last time, I hope they didn't leave his underwear on. Explain that one in the communal shower, asshole.
Veronica takes out her switchblade and offers a deal to get him down. Tad is unrepentant, mistakenly blaming Veronica for his being up there, calling her a bitch, and accusing her of taking away the only person he ever loved. Veronica points out that she didn't force him to send the video, and wonders what good he thought it would do. Tad: "Who's gonna want to touch her now? If I can't have her, no one can." I am absolutely unable to determine which I should tackle first: the inaccuracy of that statement, or its offensiveness. I could do both with a simple hand gesture, but I don't know HTML well enough to get it to appear on the page. Veronica tells him that she'll cut him down, but she wants a simple answer: who gave him the Rohypnol the night of Shelley Pomeroy's party? Tad's stunned, and Veronica says she knows he roofied his girlfriend, but Tad corrects her that it wasn't roofies, but was, in fact, GHB. This has been discussed to death in the forums, but my admittedly casual understanding is that, in the right quantity, GHB can be used recreationally, but that people are very sensitive to the dosage, and it is also widely known as a date-rape drug. But unlike Rohypnol, that's not its primary use, so whoever brought it to the party might not have intended it to be given to anyone for any malicious purpose. I'm not trying to absolve anyone -- it just makes the potential for a more intricate story of that night. Keep that in mind as you digest the fact that Tad's supplier was Logan. Instead of cutting Tad down, Veronica rips the bandage off his tattoo and walks away. Tad yells, "This isn't over, Veronica Mars!" Given that the tattoo is your standard Cupid's arrow heart bearing the name "Seth," I'm going to have to agree. I only wonder if Veronica would have paid to have it removed had Tad toed the line.
"Crimson and Clover" plays as Logan waits alone on the boat. He's wearing pants that don't really flatter his ass, not that the forum posters noticed or anything. Seeming to realize that Veronica isn't coming, he opens a some champagne and swigs it straight from the bottle. Champagne for one -- the loneliest drink. Maybe the captain will join you if you pay him a little extra, Logan. Maybe just make it drug-free, though -- you want him to be able to drive.