Betty And Veronica

Buckle up, kids. Seven straight episodes. I wonder if my heart can take it...oh, wait.

Previouslies: Good God, I've written around two hundred pages about this show already. As if.

We open with Veronica tearing up her bedroom. I do that too, but only if I can't find the remote to the cable box. Which is pretty sad, considering this is New York, and as such, my bed actually touches the TV. VMVO wonders at the "coincidence" of Clarence Wiedman finding Lianne the same day Veronica did.

Sometime later, Veronica's room looks like, as every kid I ever knew heard from his or her mother at one point or another, "a tornado hit it." VMVO realizes that Wiedman didn't know where to find Lianne, but where to find Veronica. I'd think finding Lianne wouldn't be so tough for a head of security. All he'd need to do is track the regional routes of the trucks of Anheuser-Busch. Veronica puzzledly picks up a box as VMVO tells us that she never donated to the "Wildlife Alliance." More's the pity. If you give ten bucks, you save a parrot from captivity. Veronica realizes that the panda pencil sharpener they sent must contain a bug, and dismantling the thing confirms that. She adds that Wiedman must have heard her book her flight to Barstow. That answers the question of why Veronica got there in the daytime, since Barstow is only a three- or four-hour drive from the San Diego area. But there's no way Veronica would have sacrificed what could have been crucial hours in going after her mom, so this is a contrivance in the service of Veronica discovering the bug. I mean, it's no big deal, but they could have put Lianne in Davis or something. I had a friend in college who lived there, and believe me, for a university town, it's pretty grim. When your best option for a good time is Sacramento, you're not exactly living la vida loca. Where was I? VMVO tells us that she delayed leaving because she didn't want to look like an extra from Valley Girl, and while I appreciate both the reference and the effort, there's no reason she couldn't have taken a half-hour to change and still made it to Barstow for last call. Particularly not when the words "last" and "call," when uttered together at the bar at which Lianne was discovered, would lead to the bartender's needing last rites.

We flash back to Veronica seeing Wiedman again. VMVO notes he had to have seen her. Considering he's looking at her with eyes slightly more focused than those of Robert Patrick in Terminator 2, I'm thinking yes. After Wiedman leaves, Lianne tries to stagger out, but Veronica gets her to a booth and embraces her. Lianne cries that Veronica shouldn't be there, and that she's trying to protect Veronica. Veronica calls to the bartender for some coffee. Seeing who it's for, the bartender hits the speed-dial button marked "Starbucks." Veronica tells Lianne that everything will be okay, and Lianne smiles at her. The failure of the strains of a certain Bob Marley song to kick up makes me suspect that she might not be entirely correct.

Veronica makes to smash the bug when VMVO realizes that maybe now she wants Wiedman listening. Well, I hope you're quiet when you have sex dreams about your ex, then. Or, you know, um, afterward. Veronica reassembles the panda.

I have to interject here that it doesn't make sense for Wiedman to have shown himself to Veronica if he wasn't going to do anything. Why tip her off? I mean, he might have done it out of ego, after Veronica's whole "game on" thing with the pictures of him with his kid. But still, after the tension we waited through for four weeks, where it seemed like Lianne and Veronica were in imminent danger, on top of the fact that this part of the story is told in flashback and thus kills any urgency, it seems like a bit of a letdown. Anyway.

In slo-mo, a basketball swishes into the net. In real time, a drenched Wallace is trash-talking a teammate of his. He dribbles through the teammate's legs and hits a sweet reverse layup. Or perhaps his stunt double did, but Wallace has pretty nice delts for a skinny guy, anyway. Veronica makes a comment from the sidelines...

...and, later, meets Wallace outside the locker room. Aw. It's nice that they can have some interaction that doesn't involve permanent records. Wallace gets props from several students as he and Veronica walk down the hall, and Veronica's only half-joking as she notes that they really like him. Considering her distaste for both the rituals of high school and the students contained therein, I'm surprised the joke only made it halfway. Wallace sincerely tells Veronica that he knows the school's been rough on her, but that some of the kids seem pretty cool. I'd note that these "pretty cool" kids were the same ones that stood by while he was taped naked to a flagpole, but since he sort of became buddies with the person who actually did that deed well before the show got its full-season order, it seems kind of pointless. Wallace speculates that maybe the school isn't as bad as Veronica thinks it is. Right then, Veronica rounds a corner to see Duncan holding a sign that says, "As bad as you think it is," while Meg, canoodling with him, in turn displays her own card that reads, "And worse!" Veronica snarks under her breath that they seem friendly. Good thing one of the school colors is green. She stalks to her locker, but can't even get it open before Vice-Principal Clemmons taps her and summons her to his office. Veronica sunnily breezes, "I love this school!" Wallace decides that he'd better stick to impressing Veronica with his basketball moves.

Office of straight-man vice principals. Clemmons tells Veronica that "Polly," their school mascot, was stolen that morning. I'll just tell you that any plotline involving school-mascot wackiness makes me think of The Brady Bunch, and not in a good way. Veronica thinks that Clemmons believes she did it, but no: Clemmons wants her help: "I want you to find Polly." Veronica looks flummoxed, but it could be that she's just trying not to picture John Cleese yelling "POLLY!" at an "ex-parrot." I know I am. Credits.

Deputy Leo arrives, again pulling Veronica out of the flashback. I should mention, by the way, that the flashbacks with Lianne are in normal light, in order to differentiate them from things that happened around the time of the Lilly Kane murder. Leo's smiling, as usual, and toting a wrapped box. He's awfully cheerful for someone who just committed a crime. Veronica opens the box to find the tapes she requested. She thanks Leo, who tells her that what he did qualifies him for a dinner date, and I agree. Why not go a little inland -- you'd be away from prying eyes, and what's more, they make a mean goatburger. Veronica tells Leo that he undershot, since he could have gotten dinner and a movie, and Leo feigns frustration. Don't worry, kids: this dinner's going to come with a show. Veronica turns the subject to sports betting, and asks why a bookie would give an even line if one team was heavily favored. Leo says he wouldn't -- a bookie always keeps the line at a point where the money is divided between the two sides as evenly as possible. (He doesn't go into detail, but basically, if you bet a lot of money on one team, the bookie will move the line so that team is giving more points, and he won't move it back unless someone else puts a relatively close amount of money down on the opposing team.) The bookie looks to make his money on commission by taking a cut of the bets, without risk, so if he accepts bets only on one side of the line, he exposes himself to the possibility of a huge loss. The seemingly only logical conclusion, then, is that the bookie knows something that the people who are betting don't. Veronica gives Leo a long look, wondering how such a cogent explanation could have come out of a mouth stuffed with the entire contents of a nine-ball rack.

Neptune High. Veronica is sitting with Wallace and the jocks. So much for those earlier protestations. Wallace suspiciously grabs some food off the table, makes a suspicious excuse, and runs off suspiciously. Surprisingly, Veronica looks suspicious.

Cut to Veronica catching up with Wallace, asking him what he's up to. He leads her to a van, wherein is contained a goat that's presumably Billy. Kind of cute, for a goat, I guess. I don't have much basis for comparison, ex-boyfriends I may have had notwithstanding. Commercials.

Shut UP, Mischa Barton.

Wallace tries to control Billy as he claims that he and the other guys stole the goat out of school pride. Veronica laughs at his predicament, and leaves.

Newsroom. Duncan is reading aloud a letter to the school newspaper, which calls Polly's kidnapping "an act of terrorism." Yeah, having lived two blocks from the World Trade Center when 9/11 happened, I'm not a big fan of people who bandy the word "terrorism" about. No offense to animal lovers. Not the remotely sane ones, anyway. Veronica notes: "Polly want a payback." Some girl hands Veronica a letter which is supposedly an opposing view for "the uninformed masses." She leaves, and Veronica reads, "Maybe the people who think that the person who took Polly is so awful should stop and think about the person who ripped Polly from her natural habitat and forced her to live in a cage." You know, displays like this demonstrate why they throw out the high and low scores in sports judging. Because the extreme view? Is often a little crazy. Duncan says that the girl must belong to "SAAC," which stands for Students Against Animal Cruelty: "They threw the bucket of blood on the Homecoming Queen a couple of years ago for wearing fur." You know, that's a good way to be haunted by the ghosts of Piper Laurie and Sissy Spacek. Should something fatal ever happen to them, God forbid. Veronica asks if we've learned nothing from Carrie, and I'd be annoyed at her stepping on my punchline, except I referencedCarriein my very firstVeronica Marsrecap, so it's clearly a shout-out from the writers. Sniff. I love you guys! Let's doPippin!

Veronica's baking something as she listens to the interrogation tapes. We flash back to Keith asking Jake about the night of the murder. The two men are bathed in relatively soft light, but the fact that the rest of the room is dark combined with a very slight strobe-like editing effect makes the whole scene completely creepy. I know from Rob Thomas that the show is going for an entirely different look in flashbacks not pulled directly from Veronica's memories, and this one is a striking success. Jake claims that Celeste was with him at the Grand, and, under pressure from Keith, says they were there for some coitus without interruptus from the kiddus. Jake gives a few details -- that they put on the TV when they got into the room, and that they visited the Grand regularly for those purposes that are the most memorable. Jake's petulant and stubbly in this interview. The forum posters approve.

Cut back to Veronica continuing to bake as Wallace enters. He samples her wares, and upon recognizing them as snickerdoodles, realizes she's the one who's been making his spirit boxes. Veronica: "I used to be on pep squad, remember?" I do, as a matter of fact. And it's a good thing that continuity is calorie-free, or I'd have to go on a serious diet after recapping this episode. Wallace says that Veronica thinks all the school spirit stuff is stupid, but Veronica somewhat meekly counters that Wallace doesn't. Aw. And stuffing my face with yet more continuity, didn't Wallace predict way back in the pilot that Veronica was dying to bake him something? Whatever else I may say about this show, I so appreciate the effort that goes into it. Veronica lets Wallace take a cookie, and then asks him to do "a weird favor without asking any questions." In the spirit of warmth and camaraderie pervading this scene, I'm just going to let that one go. Wallace: "Isn't that the bedrock on which our friendship was founded?" Hee. Veronica hoists what looks like a big rubber tree plant, and asks Wallace to, when he picks up his mom at Kane Software, put the plant on Clarence Wiedman's assistant's desk: "It's from her secret admirer." Good for you, Veronica. Is she hot?

Veronica applies lip gloss as she now listens to her dad interrogate Celeste. Long-haired Celeste petulantly says that she and Jake were there together, but the details of her story don't match up with Jake's: she says they had champagne, didn't watch TV, and were there for a special occasion. Also, obviously, she doesn't mention Lianne's being there, not that Jake did either. Back in the present, Keith does a Joe Friday-like impression as he genially tells Veronica that her date's there. I knew saving Keith's life would help Leo in the nookie department.

Veronica and Leo walk into a restaurant as Leo tells Veronica that, in his culture, "Chinese food is always followed by gelato." It's also followed by a pretty hot kiss, if what unfolds on screen is any indication. Unfortunately, when they're led to their table, they bump smack into the Kane parents, Duncan, and Meg. I think you'll agree that though I said this in the recaplet, it bears repeating: Un! Comfortable! Meg tries to make the best of things, getting up and giving Veronica a hug and greeting Leo and reintroducing him to Duncan. I should add that Duncan has seemed blissfully unaware of any awkwardness throughout this entire episode and, as is often the case with his character's actions, I have no idea what that's all about. Everyone sits back down, but the cold stares of the Kane parents in Veronica's direction prove that sometimes teenagers can be more mature than their parents. Take that, Mom, and if you try to present a rebuttal, I'll stick my fingers in my ears and hum. Leo sensitively wonders if they should relocate, but Veronica says that where they are is perfect, which sends us into another flashback...

...outside the bar, where Lianne lights a cigarette and tells Veronica that right around the time Lilly died, she and Jake were in the hotel room. This doesn't take into account the fact that Lilly's official time of death was off by hours, so Lianne's statement exonerates no one, including her. Lianne adds that Celeste burst in on them, as she'd been following Jake around, and when Celeste started saying horrible things, Lianne got out of there. Perhaps one of the things Celeste said was, "They just announced free champers downstairs." Lianne adds that she went to the ladies' room in the lobby, and when she came out, she saw Celeste leaving. Veronica puts her head on her mom's shoulder...

...and Leo yet again pulls her out of the flashback. He's handy to have around. He asks her, referring to the menu, if she sees anything she likes, and she answers yes, referring to the man-u. Ew. In keeping with the Monty Python reference from earlier: I'm sorry, I have a cold. VMVO wonders if Celeste saw Lianne in the lobby, and hired Clarence Wiedman to take threatening photos of Veronica to control Lianne. As intricate as that sounds, it's plausible.

Cut to a TV screen, on which Meg is doing a broadcast on Navigator, Neptune's school-news channel. Veronica, wearing a vest with a fake-fur collar that we've definitely seen before, enters a classroom wherein the "opposing viewpoint" girl from earlier is telling another girl, "I don't want to hear about your protein deficiency. You eat eggs, you might as well eat baby." I feel tempted to eat veal in front of her, just to challenge her to come up with a more extreme comparison. Veronica tells the girl she liked her letter, and doffs her fur vest out of "respect," but the girl thinks that Veronica's leather boots are a problem. Veronica asks if she knows anything about Polly. Some other girls try to cut the fur off Veronica's vest, causing Veronica to shriek that the fur is fake. Hee, and duh. Suddenly, an image comes on a computer screen in the room. A masked figure says he's from Pan High, and threatens this: "If Wallace Fennel plays in tomorrow night's game, Polly the Parrot will die." He sends it back to the taped version on Meg. There are plenty of horrified oohs and aahs. And also some satisfied ones, as we'll finally get some answers after the last commercial break.

Neptune High. Outside, Veronica asks Weevil if he took the parrot, obviously assuming that he gave even points on Neptune because he knew he had a way to stop Wallace from playing. Frankly, this seems like an error on her part; it's not like Pan would be such a prohibitive favorite over a Wallace-less Neptune that Weevil would risk losing several grand were Neptune to win anyway. Also, there's no guarantee that Wallace isn't going to play anyway. After a little flirtation, Weevil informs Veronica that, in fact, he has both sides of the line covered, as any bookie would. He also points out that he wouldn't have assisted her in trying to find the parrot if stealing it were his secret plan, and then takes off. In a bird-themed episode, you'd think he would have stayed around to watch her eat a little crow.

Wallace sinks down by his locker. Veronica appears and slides down to him. Wallace somewhat despairingly tells her that the coach and all his teammates want him to play, but that he can't cost Polly her life. Veronica sympathizes, and then asks, "Would it cheer you up if I brought back the goat?" As if they didn't like you over at Pan enough already, Veronica -- you bring Billy back, and you and Richie will be King and Queen of the prom. Of course, the crowns over there come from Burger King, but for fifteen miles inland, that's still pretty classy.

Journalism room. Veronica unceremoniously tells Meg she needs her help, and asks how her broadcast was interrupted. Meg tells her that when there's no breaking news, they use a show they record the night before. Veronica realizes that the kidnapper must have cut the announcement into the tape before it aired that morning. Meg very nicely calls Veronica out on the fact that Veronica's treating Meg like a leper. Veronica turns to go, but Meg calls after her that she wants everything to be okay between them. Veronica somewhat bullshitedly tells Meg they run in different circles, and that she can't start hanging out with people who have ignored and mocked her for a year. Lucky thing I haven't done either, or my chances of scoring an interview with Kristen Bell would be slim to none. Meg suggests that they could have their own circle without the haters, and Veronica noncommittally says that's a possibility, as long as she can get the name "Mrs. Meg Kane" out of her head. Well, you know she was thinking it. But really, Veronica, it would take someone with infinite patience to endure Celeste Kane as a mother-in-law. And given Meg's "Saint Blonde" nickname, don't you think the whole thing fits?

Anyway, perhaps she does, as we cut to Veronica and Meg going over the tape. Meg suggests that they might be able to see a reflection in the shiny gym floor. After some zooming, they discover that the kidnapper has the number 13 on his sneaker. I guess that number was unlucky after all. Meg and Veronica share a conspiratorial smile, and Veronica says she needs a basketball program. Aw, they're friends again! At least until Duncan and Meg get to third base.

Hallway, pre-game. Clemmons is flabbergasted when Veronica enters with Polly and Billy in tow. Delighted, Clemmons asks who had Polly. Veronica sees Richie entering with his team, and asks Clemmons to give her a second. She goes over to Richie, who's happy she made it. In her normal voice, Veronica sincerely tells him that he's a great guy, and that if the popular kids at Neptune were half as nice as he is, she'd want to be popular. Aw. She goes on to wish him good luck, and says he's going to need it: "Wallace Fennel has a killer crossover. But it's really his sweetness and purity of spirit that makes him unbeatable." And I was already feeling diabetic from all the snickerdoodles. No, that's really sweet, and about time that Veronica showed some real affection for her best friend. Richie, for his part, has no idea what Veronica is talking about. Perhaps he'll figure it out on the long, long ride back to Glenoak. Veronica then goes over to the Neptune team, and tells Wallace to warm up, as Polly has been found. She confronts the guy "Jack" whom Wallace laid that sweet move on earlier, and who just happens to be Neptune's number 13. She informs everyone that with Wallace out, Jack, as point guard, could control the outcome of the game, just as he did the year before, when he blew two free throws in the final minute. If that's true, I'm guessing Wallace wasn't the person who christened that flagpole. Veronica adds that she posed as a cheerleader to Jack's mom, and told her they needed Polly for the game that night, and she produces pictures of Polly in Jack's bedroom to squelch any lingering doubts. Veronica speculates that to cover Weevil's Neptune bets, Jack must have bet thousands on Pan to win. Clemmons leads Jack away, no doubt doing him a favor before his teammates can get him into the locker room. The coach -- who I think is the same guy that broke up the fight between Logan and the biker in "Clash Of The Tritons" -- tells Wallace he's in. Veronica calls him "Air Fennel," and the team heads into the gym. VMVO says that the ritual of the big game is another "high-school high that makes me want to eat rocks," but for Wallace...she smiles and heads into the gym.

Chez Mars. VMVO tells us that she's saved nearly every penny she's earned since she started working for Keith, but that her college money is gone now. She implies that she had several thousand dollars saved up, which I find a little hard to believe, especially given that she spent a shitload of money on Keith's Christmas present. Of course, if I know the writers, they've got a spreadsheet detailing every penny she's earned entitled "Shut UP, Couch Baron," so perhaps I'll take their advice here. Besides, if she won the poker game, as was strongly implied, that's a profit of two grand over the Christmas present right there. We're back with Lianne, as she tries to dissuade Veronica from writing a check. Turns out Veronica's paying for Lianne's rehab. This was a lot funnier on Absolutely Fabulous, you know. Maybe that difference is why they have that thing called "genre." Lianne tells Veronica that twelve weeks in rehab aren't going to do anything that she can't do herself. I think they can do a lot of things you seem to be unable to do yourself. Your hair and makeup come to mind. Sad music plays as Veronica emotionally tells Lianne that she wants her to come home. They both tear up, and Lianne agrees to the rehab.

Back in the present, Veronica wipes a tear from her eye, and then calls Keith into her room. Keith appears, smilingly noting that Neptune slaughtered Pan the night before. Heh. I'm picturing Jack working at the Sac-n-Pac. Veronica asks Keith to answer something honestly, and he agrees. Veronica: "Why would a person agree to confess to a murder he didn't commit?" Keith looks discomfited, but keeps his promise: "Money. A lot of it." Veronica points out that the money won't be any good where Koontz is going. Paper does tend to burn. Keith speculates that the money could be going on to a loved one. He leaves, and once he's safely gone, Veronica picks up the panda bug and says this into it: "Wait, Dad, you know what? I think I know who's collecting the money from Abel Koontz's confession." Fitting that the bug is being used as bait. VMVO says that now we'll learn how well Wallace follows instructions. Considering that he's been following your instructions for sixteen episodes now, I going to go out on a limb and say he's probably pretty good at it. She adds that, obviously, the rubber tree plant contained a bug of her own, and as she listens, Wiedman's distinctive voice comes and asks his assistant "Lois" to get him "Amelia DeLongpre." Using the computer, she quickly discovers that Amelia DeLongpre is Koontz's daughter. Well. Koontz may not have long to live, but it's going to be long enough that he'll regret ever messing with Veronica Mars.

Six episodes to go. Man, I can't wait. But spoil me and die.