Ruskie Business

Hey y'all, before I get started, we're heading into the last hiatus. A lot of people in a lot of places are worried about the fate of the show, as critical acclaim is high, but ratings are not. I wouldn't normally bestir myself to do something about it, but this is the best, most interesting show I've ever recapped, which, thank the HoPs, is saying a lot. So: I know many of you don't read the forums, but a number of posters have gone to a lot of effort to demonstrate their support for the show, so if it's appointment TV for you, why not go on the boards and see how you can help?

We open at the exterior of Neptune High, where hangs a big banner upon which is written "Total Eclipse of the Heart." I guess right here is as good a time as any to tell you that, in keeping with the theme of the dance, this recap is going to contain copious '80s song references, so if that's not your thing? Turn around, bright eyes. We pan over kids gossiping (some of them about Mr. Rooks, actually) and eventually get to Logan and Veronica sitting at a table. I'd think the two of them hanging out is what the kids would be talking about, but maybe they don't want to start anything akin to blasphemous rumors. Veronica's got her hair teased, and is looking pretty in pink jacket and blue jeans. Also, there's a can of "Skist" in the foreground, so I guess the props department misunderstood what environmentalists mean when they urge people to recycle aluminum. Veronica tells Logan that since his mom disappeared, only her "no-limit platinum card" has been used. She adds that, of the fourteen cards she had, it's the only one still registered under her maiden name, "Lester." So I guess Lynn had plenty of money before she married Haaron. Logan speculates that she might be trying to hide, and Veronica smiles in agreement. She tells him that there's only been one charge on the card -- a rental car -- and adds that she ordered a copy of the signature, but that it might take a couple of weeks. Logan asks what car it is, and learns it's a Mercedes convertible, much like the one she left abandoned. She's gonna try to tame that little red love machine. Veronica tells Logan she'll let him know if the card's used again, and leaves. Logan quickly follows her...

...and inside, walks to her awkwardly. He swallows his pride, and if that action were manifested physically, it would be the rough equivalent of a garter snake sucking down a rhinoceros. He hesitantly but seemingly sincerely thanks her for "helping out with this," which is a marked shift in attitude from last episode. He even squeezes her arm. Veronica does not reply, "Oh, that'll have to come off now." Instead, she smiles somewhat mistily and says she knows what it's like. Logan smiles in return, and walks off. Veronica good-naturedly shakes her head, no doubt thinking it's a good day to buy a lottery ticket. We pan in the direction Veronica's walking in...

...and see Veronica's approaching Duncan. A bunch of people are setting up for the dance, and he, as class president, tells them, "Don't be stingy with the glitter." He just can't get enough. Seeing Veronica, he inquires as to whether he just saw his best friend ask her to the dance, which is named after the aforementioned Bonnie Tyler song, in case that wasn't clear. I would have thought Duncan would be more surprised, and interested, by the possibility of Logan and Veronica's ending their feud. Or at least gone to get his eyes checked. Veronica jokes that she's just waiting for her phone to ring. Well, it's probably not silent for lack of advertising, if the bathroom wall is any indication. Duncan tells her, "You never know," which is just another in a long line of comments from him that strike me as ever-so-slightly bizarre. And there's got to be a way to work "Love Bizarre" into that sentence, but I guess I just don't want it enough. Surprising.

As Duncan walks away, VMVO tells us that her heart was eclipsed long ago, evidently by a flashback. We see long-haired Veronica slow-dancing with Duncan. Pete Yorn's "Just Another" plays, which, as you might remember, Duncan described as his and Veronica's song in the pilot, and can I say how totally this show kicks ass, yet again, some more? I mean, that was fourteen episodes ago. If not for ginko biloba, I wouldn't remember what happened fourteen minutes ago. Actually, I don't think I've had any today. Did I make that joke already? VMVO thought she was in love, but speculates that maybe it was...Saint Blonde (Meg.) No, I just mean Saint Blonde calls Veronica's name, pulling her out of the flashback. You can put away your lesdar. For at least half an hour. Saint Blonde bounces up and says she really needs to talk to Veronica. Duncan stares at her intently, and I don't want to give anything away, but it's pretty clear that it's his heart that he betrays. Veronica and Saint Blonde walk off arm in arm as Saint Blonde tells Veronica that Saint Blonde has a secret admirer. Veronica's intrigued, but is interrupted by the ringing of her cell phone. No one speaks when she answers, and she makes some snarky comments into the phone as she exposits that she's been getting those calls all week. Hanging up, Veronica asks what happened with Saint Blonde...

...and we're in a flashback, Blonde-style. She's on a school bus with a bunch of other cheerleaders in uniform, as SBVO tells us they were coming back from an away game, and she got this text message that said, "I think UR kewl." She clearly missed her opportunity to reply, "Banned." SBVO adds that she looked around, although why she's sure it was someone on the bus that sent her the message is unclear, and two guys on the bus were on cell phones. One of them, "Caz," is played by Zachary Ty Bryan of Home Improvement. And you thought my '80s references were scary. SBVO says that Caz often flirts with her, but "that guy would flirt with a trash can if it had boobs." Hee. Saint Blonde turns to look toward the rear of the bus, as we see a blond guy on his phone. SBVO says that "Martin" is "sweet, but a little moony, if you know what I mean?" Yes, I do, SBVO. It means that he's going to end up becoming a poet. It also means that he is very unlikely to write an ode to, as you call them, "boobs." Back in the present, Veronica speculates that it could be a creepy freshman stalker. Well, Saint Blonde isn't the one getting weird calls all the time. That's a more advanced chapter in the Stalker Handbook. Which was a joint effort, by the way, from the entire Camden family. (Note to Sara M: I'm very sorry to hear about the tenth season. Please don't kill yourself, even if it seems like hell is a place on earth.) Saint Blonde tells Veronica that the admirer could be her "soulmate." Veronica's face falls. She has obviously watched Dawson's Creek, and we all feel appropriately sorry for her.

Veronica enters Mars Investigations. VMVO tells us that the office is a nice way to take her mind off "soulmates, glitter, and puppy love." Veronica, you can't escape it. The sun always shines on TV. Walking by Keith's office, we see a woman's legs attached to, presumably, a woman sitting in one of Keith's chairs. I wonder if that's supposed to evoke the image of Lynn Echolls we saw a few episodes back. Probably not, but I wouldn't put it past this team. Keith comes out and quietly tells Veronica that he's swamped with some insurance-fraud case, but they could use the fee, so could Veronica take her information and charge her "a straight 75"? Veronica agrees, and as she goes into the office, VMVO goes on in the same bitter vein about relationships, which frankly seems a little misplaced, considering we're five minutes in and she's had rather positive interactions with three people who weren't named Wallace, and weren't blood-related. Well, possibly four. Veronica sits down to talk to the woman, "Catarina," who's got a thick Russian accent, is pretty but has a rather large face, and looks to be in her late thirties. She tells Veronica that she made a mistake involving love. Basically, she had a guy, she didn't know what a good thing she had, and she left him. She thought she still hadn't found what she was looking for, but then she realized that the search was over -- love was with her all the while. Catarina: "You must help me find him. He was my soulmate." Veronica stares. Whether it's in shock over the coincidence of two people using that word in the same day or in resentment for this show having even the slightest connection to Dawson Leery and Joey Potter is a question for you to ponder while the opening credits roll.

Veronica is holding a picture of a nondescript-looking middle-aged man kneeling down for a picture with a very cute, if highly unusual-looking, spotted dog. Catarina tells Veronica that the man's name is Tom, and that, two years ago, she came from Russia to meet him. Catching the snap, Veronica asks if this was a mail-order bride deal. Catarina: "Not mail, anymore. Eenternet." Hee. Catarina adds that they exchanged messages, and that she came to Chicago as his fiance. Veronica tells her that was brave. Catarina smiles and says that all the boys back home told her she was like a princess: "Maybe I am expecting a prince." You should have gone to Minneapolis. Catarina basically tells Veronica that Tom was a bald fugster, and she got "the cold feet" and left, but she realized afterward that he's a good man. Also, princess or not, she's a little past the age where she can walk into a bar and get all her vodka for free. She says that she can't find him because he changed his name, and he did that because he does plays, and his name is "Tom Cruz," which causes obvious confusion. I have to say that of all the reasons I would change my name from a homonym of that particular person, the confusion the name caused wouldn't be in my top ten. Veronica asks why Catarina thinks Tom is in Neptune, and Catarina produces a postcard from Tom that she says she got several months earlier. There's a postmark, however, that has the Neptune name on it, and reads "February 2005." It's not clear from what happens later if the postcard was faked or not, which means either that (a) It was a fake, but Veronica missed the discrepancy in the date, or (b) it wasn't a fake and the props department screwed that up, and there really was a relationship between Catarina and Tom, which means that, given what we learn later, he risked his life sending it to her, which can be rejected as impossibly stupid. The postcard basically tells Catarina to get lost, in a nice way. Veronica says that he shouldn't be too hard to find, and tells Catarina the fee is $75, although Keith had said it was $75 an hour, but maybe that's their minimum or something. She says that Keith should have something for Catarina in a couple of days. All she needs is just a little patience.

Veronica mutters to herself that it shouldn't be so hard to find an actor named Tom Cruz, and then closes up her laptop and tells Wallace she's hanging out. She'll be back on that thing in a few minutes -- it is sweeps. Oh wait, that's me. Veronica asks if Wallace is on the basketball team. Yikes. Considering how subtle this show usually is with the exposition, that was like being woken up at 5 AM by a smoke alarm and a bucket of ice water. I mean, it wouldn't be quite so bad if we didn't already know Wallace was on the basketball team. Wallace says she hasn't been coming to the games: "I am the basketball team." Veronica asks for a favor. Wallace rather sullenly, but not without justification, tells her she just stopped hanging out again. Also, Veronica is totally doing the casual head-tilty thing that Weevil called her on. Nice. Veronica says the favor's for Saint Blonde, since Caz and Martin are on the team, so Veronica wants Wallace to check their phones and see whether either of them called Saint Blonde. Wallace mutters about "girlie-girl drama." Veronica smiles that if he does her this favor, they'll be best friends forever: "Come on, don't you want us to be BFF?" Wallace agrees, but says seriously that the time they hang out, they actually have to hang out. Veronica smiles to cover the fact that she thinks of Wallace as a key to the school's records office. It's a brilliant disguise.

School. Veronica, wearing a sweet pea coat, finds Saint Blonde in the hallway. She's just received a large bouquet of what vaguely look like pink carnations, in the grand tradition of high-school secret admirers. However, Veronica identifies them as "purple-faced monkey orchid(s)," native to the Australian outback. She slips into an Aussie accent as she speculates that the admirer is "an aboriginal tribesman." Well done on the accent, there. Give that girl a vegemite sandwich. Meg says that the admirer asked her to the dance in the accompanying note. Veronica finds a card with the florist's name on it. Meg asks about the text messages, and Veronica says she has her "best man on it." Don't get that BFF tattoo yet, Wallace.

Speaking of whom, Wallace lingers on the school bus when the other guys get off. He goes into Caz's bag while outside, Caz tells Saint Blonde that he's throwing a "rager" at his house the night that should be "pretty kick-ass." They might, dare I say, be burning down the house. For some reason, Wallace fishes out Caz's jockstrap, and stares at it long enough for Caz to get back on and ask him what the hell he's doing. Oh, Wallace, as if you didn't have enough social problems. Now you've got to convince the team that you're not thinking of them when you're turning Japanese.

Mars Investigations. Veronica and Catarina are back in Keith's office as the former tells the latter that "Mr. Mars" was unable to turn up any trace of Tom. Catarina asks if there's nothing more he can do. Veronica suggests hiring Keith full-time, at $250 a day plus expenses, and Catarina unhesitatingly goes for that option. As she writes a check, Veronica asks if Catarina can tell her anything else about Tom. She just expounds on how fugly and poor he is. Oh, also, he's sweet and kind and makes her laugh. You know, if Veronica's going to be accepting a personal check from this woman, I'd think she might at least ask her what she does, considering that a couple years earlier she was shipped over in a crate. But then we wouldn't get to see her staring soulmatefully into space. Recovering, Veronica asks Catarina if he had any hobbies or any other discerning habits. Apparently he played "gweetar," but not very well, and also liked hockey and Chinese food. Well, she's narrowed it down to half the straight guys I've ever known. Of course, that's at least a way to discern him from his homonymsake. Catarina hands over the check and asks Veronica to ask Keith to work as quickly as he can. Veronica: "I'm sure he'll come through." You gotta have faith.

Out in the hall, Veronica is trying to get Logan's keys away from him as Leo looks on. Who's gonna drive him home tonight? The answer is Trina, who says she got a call that he was wasted. Possibly the call came from Duncan, if he was able to reach his phone without grabbing Meg's boob. Er, yeah, "without." She snarks that it's like she never left, and then asks, "Is that Kajagoogoo?" I don't know -- the sound wasn't great right there. I assume that's what she was talking about, because if someone were dressed as Limahl, I'd imagine I would have seen the hair from three counties away. Trina says she'll take him home, and Logan tells her she has to let him puke in her car. Trina: "Of course. Just like old times." She actually said that and took his arm with some affection, so I guess Logan's puke doesn't stink. The forum posters have been saying that for a while. Leo marble-mouths about Logan's being a "promising young man." Veronica asks if Meg's responsible for Leo's being there, and he tells her she called (very thoughtful of her), but he came because he wanted to see Veronica. Aw. They look at each other for a while, and after a formal declaration of intent, they kiss. Well, Veronica. It's too bad you're not dressed as Lita Ford, because that kiss was deadly. She's happy, but then her phone rings. She answers, but no one talks, again, and she hangs up. Leo suggests Star 69. Veronica tries it, and some guy answers. He's at a pay phone, and says she must be looking for "that blonde lady." He's in a "cantina" in Barstow, by the way, and if you don't know where that is, did you see Kill Bill: Vol. 2? No? Well, there you go. Veronica kisses Leo and runs out of there as fast as her stilettos will carry her. Leo's all, "What?" and for once, his diction is perfect.

Barstow. Veronica, in normal clothes, pulls into a lot and walks into a seedy bar. It's day, which makes little sense, since Barstow can't be more than a three-hour drive from the San Diego area. I mean, I could see changing the outfit, but beyond that, I'd think she'd want to get there as quickly as possible. I suppose Keith might miss her, though. She goes up to a woman slumped over the bar and asks, "Mom?" Unlike the situation with Logan, it is actually her mother. Not that it's easy to tell, with the looking like ten miles of rough road and all. And that's just her hair. Lianne's eyes focus, and she freaks out, saying that if they're seen together, Veronica will get hurt. Veronica yells that she knows who was blackmailing them. Is it Clarence Wiedman? Because if not, it seems like quite the coincidence that he's standing right there. He strides out to menacing music. Over the credits, Lianne breathes, "Veronica." For those of you worried about their safety, just remember this: a girl in trouble is a temporary thing.

Four-week break! And then, seven straight episodes, culminating in the resoluton of the Lilly Kane mystery! See you then!