Helping People Is Overrated

S01E15

Cut to the Mars home, where Veronica is receiving a headshot. Wallace enters and says she can just B her own FF, since he's got a reputation as "a jock-sniffer." Well, Wallace, they say no press is bad press. Of course, I always thought that rule was bullshit, so thank you for proving it wrong. Wallace sees the headshots, and Veronica says that apparently Tom Cruz has changed his name. Can't imagine why. Wallace looks at the picture of Tom and says that his dog is a freak show. Dude, even he wouldn't have sniffed Caz's jock. We get a closer look at the dog, which, as I said before, is very distinctive-looking. Veronica wonders if it's a rare breed. Wallace: "Either that or a drunk dingo had a three-way with a [sic] ocelot and a porcupine." Wallace, you're babbling. I can forgive it, though -- perhaps you're still high on fumes. Veronica's interrupted by her phone, which tells her that Lynn's card was used again, to the tune of $1200. She calls Logan and gets his voicemail: "This is Logan with today's inspirational greeting. 'The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.' Eleanor Roosevelt. Leave a message." HA! The degree to which that cracks me up is the degree to which Veronica rolls her eyes. Given that they practically pop out of her earlobes, I think you get the picture that I'm not quite done laughing. Veronica leaves a message saying there's been another charge on the card "at the Sunset Regent." Thanks for hanging out, Wallace!

Speaking of which, Kristen Bell and Percy Daggs III do a spot on behalf of UPN celebrating Black History Month. Very nice.

Logan waits in the lobby of the hotel, wearing camo pants. Veronica comes bustling in, cheerily and loudly apologizing for being late, and kisses Logan on the cheek. You know, I always wondered how far a good "Squee!" could travel. Apparently, all the way from California to New York, if the piercing noise that woke me up three hours after I watched this is any indication. Veronica stage-whispers to Logan that she talked to the desk clerk on the phone, and that he's "a bit prickly," but she'll handle it. She leads Logan over; he still looks completely dazed. And here I thought we were past the times when people confused him with Duncan. Veronica perkily tells the guy that she and "her fiancé" are looking for a honeymoon suite. The guy's "Oh, how wonderful" is delivered in a sarcastic English accent. From my own time living in England, I can tell you that this level of customer service is about as good as it's going to get. He starts to tell them about the "more affordable packages," obviously unaware that Logan could buy him into a level of servitude that would make Anthony Hopkins's character in The Remains Of The Day seem positively inattentive. Veronica says that's not quite what she had in mind, as she throws her own fancily-bound wedding catalogue on the counter and starts rifling through it. She wants to lead the glamorous life. Logan: "Wow, sugarpuss, you've certainly been a busy little bee!" He and Veronica hilariously fake-laugh at each other, and he adds, "She's a keeper!" Hee. The desk clerk changes his tune and shows them the luxury options. Veronica latches onto the "Princess Suite," which has the all-important rate of $1200 a night, as well as private elevator access. She asks if they can see it, but the clerk tells them that it's occupied, and that the occupant insists on "her" privacy. Logan, cottoning on and suddenly almost overcome, asks if they can call up to the room, but the clerk tells them that's impossible. Veronica and Logan walk off for a confab. Veronica says she's going to talk to the maintenance guys to get them to let them up in the service elevator, but Logan nixes that, since he's going to sit right there and wait for his mom to emerge. VMVO tells us this will give her an opportunity to track down "a pair of elusive Romeos." Veronica, just don't you forget about...he.

...and see Veronica's approaching Duncan. A bunch of people are setting up for the dance, and he, as class president, tells them, "Don't be stingy with the glitter." He just can't get enough. Seeing Veronica, he inquires as to whether he just saw his best friend ask her to the dance, which is named after the aforementioned Bonnie Tyler song, in case that wasn't clear. I would have thought Duncan would be more surprised, and interested, by the possibility of Logan and Veronica's ending their feud. Or at least gone to get his eyes checked. Veronica jokes that she's just waiting for her phone to ring. Well, it's probably not silent for lack of advertising, if the bathroom wall is any indication. Duncan tells her, "You never know," which is just another in a long line of comments from him that strike me as ever-so-slightly bizarre. And there's got to be a way to work "Love Bizarre" into that sentence, but I guess I just don't want it enough. Surprising.

As Duncan walks away, VMVO tells us that her heart was eclipsed long ago, evidently by a flashback. We see long-haired Veronica slow-dancing with Duncan. Pete Yorn's "Just Another" plays, which, as you might remember, Duncan described as his and Veronica's song in the pilot, and can I say how totally this show kicks ass, yet again, some more? I mean, that was fourteen episodes ago. If not for ginko biloba, I wouldn't remember what happened fourteen minutes ago. Actually, I don't think I've had any today. Did I make that joke already? VMVO thought she was in love, but speculates that maybe it was...Saint Blonde (Meg.) No, I just mean Saint Blonde calls Veronica's name, pulling her out of the flashback. You can put away your lesdar. For at least half an hour. Saint Blonde bounces up and says she really needs to talk to Veronica. Duncan stares at her intently, and I don't want to give anything away, but it's pretty clear that it's his heart that he betrays. Veronica and Saint Blonde walk off arm in arm as Saint Blonde tells Veronica that Saint Blonde has a secret admirer. Veronica's intrigued, but is interrupted by the ringing of her cell phone. No one speaks when she answers, and she makes some snarky comments into the phone as she exposits that she's been getting those calls all week. Hanging up, Veronica asks what happened with Saint Blonde...

...and we're in a flashback, Blonde-style. She's on a school bus with a bunch of other cheerleaders in uniform, as SBVO tells us they were coming back from an away game, and she got this text message that said, "I think UR kewl." She clearly missed her opportunity to reply, "Banned." SBVO adds that she looked around, although why she's sure it was someone on the bus that sent her the message is unclear, and two guys on the bus were on cell phones. One of them, "Caz," is played by Zachary Ty Bryan of Home Improvement. And you thought my '80s references were scary. SBVO says that Caz often flirts with her, but "that guy would flirt with a trash can if it had boobs." Hee. Saint Blonde turns to look toward the rear of the bus, as we see a blond guy on his phone. SBVO says that "Martin" is "sweet, but a little moony, if you know what I mean?" Yes, I do, SBVO. It means that he's going to end up becoming a poet. It also means that he is very unlikely to write an ode to, as you call them, "boobs." Back in the present, Veronica speculates that it could be a creepy freshman stalker. Well, Saint Blonde isn't the one getting weird calls all the time. That's a more advanced chapter in the Stalker Handbook. Which was a joint effort, by the way, from the entire Camden family. (Note to Sara M: I'm very sorry to hear about the tenth season. Please don't kill yourself, even if it seems like hell is a place on earth.) Saint Blonde tells Veronica that the admirer could be her "soulmate." Veronica's face falls. She has obviously watched Dawson's Creek, and we all feel appropriately sorry for her.

Veronica enters Mars Investigations. VMVO tells us that the office is a nice way to take her mind off "soulmates, glitter, and puppy love." Veronica, you can't escape it. The sun always shines on TV. Walking by Keith's office, we see a woman's legs attached to, presumably, a woman sitting in one of Keith's chairs. I wonder if that's supposed to evoke the image of Lynn Echolls we saw a few episodes back. Probably not, but I wouldn't put it past this team. Keith comes out and quietly tells Veronica that he's swamped with some insurance-fraud case, but they could use the fee, so could Veronica take her information and charge her "a straight 75"? Veronica agrees, and as she goes into the office, VMVO goes on in the same bitter vein about relationships, which frankly seems a little misplaced, considering we're five minutes in and she's had rather positive interactions with three people who weren't named Wallace, and weren't blood-related. Well, possibly four. Veronica sits down to talk to the woman, "Catarina," who's got a thick Russian accent, is pretty but has a rather large face, and looks to be in her late thirties. She tells Veronica that she made a mistake involving love. Basically, she had a guy, she didn't know what a good thing she had, and she left him. She thought she still hadn't found what she was looking for, but then she realized that the search was over -- love was with her all the while. Catarina: "You must help me find him. He was my soulmate." Veronica stares. Whether it's in shock over the coincidence of two people using that word in the same day or in resentment for this show having even the slightest connection to Dawson Leery and Joey Potter is a question for you to ponder while the opening credits roll.

Veronica is holding a picture of a nondescript-looking middle-aged man kneeling down for a picture with a very cute, if highly unusual-looking, spotted dog. Catarina tells Veronica that the man's name is Tom, and that, two years ago, she came from Russia to meet him. Catching the snap, Veronica asks if this was a mail-order bride deal. Catarina: "Not mail, anymore. Eenternet." Hee. Catarina adds that they exchanged messages, and that she came to Chicago as his fiancée. Veronica tells her that was brave. Catarina smiles and says that all the boys back home told her she was like a princess: "Maybe I am expecting a prince." You should have gone to Minneapolis. Catarina basically tells Veronica that Tom was a bald fugster, and she got "the cold feet" and left, but she realized afterward that he's a good man. Also, princess or not, she's a little past the age where she can walk into a bar and get all her vodka for free. She says that she can't find him because he changed his name, and he did that because he does plays, and his name is "Tom Cruz," which causes obvious confusion. I have to say that of all the reasons I would change my name from a homonym of that particular person, the confusion the name caused wouldn't be in my top ten. Veronica asks why Catarina thinks Tom is in Neptune, and Catarina produces a postcard from Tom that she says she got several months earlier. There's a postmark, however, that has the Neptune name on it, and reads "February 2005." It's not clear from what happens later if the postcard was faked or not, which means either that (a) It was a fake, but Veronica missed the discrepancy in the date, or (b) it wasn't a fake and the props department screwed that up, and there really was a relationship between Catarina and Tom, which means that, given what we learn later, he risked his life sending it to her, which can be rejected as impossibly stupid. The postcard basically tells Catarina to get lost, in a nice way. Veronica says that he shouldn't be too hard to find, and tells Catarina the fee is $75, although Keith had said it was $75 an hour, but maybe that's their minimum or something. She says that Keith should have something for Catarina in a couple of days. All she needs is just a little patience.

Veronica mutters to herself that it shouldn't be so hard to find an actor named Tom Cruz, and then closes up her laptop and tells Wallace she's hanging out. She'll be back on that thing in a few minutes -- it is sweeps. Oh wait, that's me. Veronica asks if Wallace is on the basketball team. Yikes. Considering how subtle this show usually is with the exposition, that was like being woken up at 5 AM by a smoke alarm and a bucket of ice water. I mean, it wouldn't be quite so bad if we didn't already know Wallace was on the basketball team. Wallace says she hasn't been coming to the games: "I am the basketball team." Veronica asks for a favor. Wallace rather sullenly, but not without justification, tells her she just stopped hanging out again. Also, Veronica is totally doing the casual head-tilty thing that Weevil called her on. Nice. Veronica says the favor's for Saint Blonde, since Caz and Martin are on the team, so Veronica wants Wallace to check their phones and see whether either of them called Saint Blonde. Wallace mutters about "girlie-girl drama." Veronica smiles that if he does her this favor, they'll be best friends forever: "Come on, don't you want us to be BFF?" Wallace agrees, but says seriously that the time they hang out, they actually have to hang out. Veronica smiles to cover the fact that she thinks of Wallace as a key to the school's records office. It's a brilliant disguise.

School. Veronica, wearing a sweet pea coat, finds Saint Blonde in the hallway. She's just received a large bouquet of what vaguely look like pink carnations, in the grand tradition of high-school secret admirers. However, Veronica identifies them as "purple-faced monkey orchid(s)," native to the Australian outback. She slips into an Aussie accent as she speculates that the admirer is "an aboriginal tribesman." Well done on the accent, there. Give that girl a vegemite sandwich. Meg says that the admirer asked her to the dance in the accompanying note. Veronica finds a card with the florist's name on it. Meg asks about the text messages, and Veronica says she has her "best man on it." Don't get that BFF tattoo yet, Wallace.

Speaking of whom, Wallace lingers on the school bus when the other guys get off. He goes into Caz's bag while outside, Caz tells Saint Blonde that he's throwing a "rager" at his house the night that should be "pretty kick-ass." They might, dare I say, be burning down the house. For some reason, Wallace fishes out Caz's jockstrap, and stares at it long enough for Caz to get back on and ask him what the hell he's doing. Oh, Wallace, as if you didn't have enough social problems. Now you've got to convince the team that you're not thinking of them when you're turning Japanese.

Mars Investigations. Veronica and Catarina are back in Keith's office as the former tells the latter that "Mr. Mars" was unable to turn up any trace of Tom. Catarina asks if there's nothing more he can do. Veronica suggests hiring Keith full-time, at $250 a day plus expenses, and Catarina unhesitatingly goes for that option. As she writes a check, Veronica asks if Catarina can tell her anything else about Tom. She just expounds on how fugly and poor he is. Oh, also, he's sweet and kind and makes her laugh. You know, if Veronica's going to be accepting a personal check from this woman, I'd think she might at least ask her what she does, considering that a couple years earlier she was shipped over in a crate. But then we wouldn't get to see her staring soulmatefully into space. Recovering, Veronica asks Catarina if he had any hobbies or any other discerning habits. Apparently he played "gweetar," but not very well, and also liked hockey and Chinese food. Well, she's narrowed it down to half the straight guys I've ever known. Of course, that's at least a way to discern him from his homonymsake. Catarina hands over the check and asks Veronica to ask Keith to work as quickly as he can. Veronica: "I'm sure he'll come through." You gotta have faith.

Cut to Veronica on the phone, doing what sounds like a hybrid of a New York accent and a dippy blonde accent -- basically, she sounds like Madonna in Desperately Seeking Susan. And given how she ends up dressing in the last ten minutes of the episode, it kind of feels like she's jumping the gun. Veronicadonna says she's looking to place a casting notice, and gives a general description of Tom, and throws in the personal details that Catarina just told her about. She gives the person on the other end a fax number to which she can send the headshots.

Speaking of which, Kristen Bell and Percy Daggs III do a spot on behalf of UPN celebrating Black History Month. Very nice.

Flower shop. Veronica shows a cell-phone picture of Saint Blonde's flowers to...how was I going to describe this guy? I remember searching for the perfect words. Well, he's got a voice like Wolfman Jack, and he's dressed like he's going to bike to Burning Man, making several stops for beer along the way. I think that'll work, because the people who would be baffled at that description are the same ones whom the '80s references caused to drop out of this recap a long time ago. Veronica asks who bought the flowers, and the answer is that he wasn't bad-looking, medium-sized, with a "high-school kid look." Veronica is all "Okay!" and takes off, presumably having deduced that this guy's interest in horticulture doesn't end when he closes up shop for the night.

Mars Investigations. Wallace is looking up dogs and babbling about Mexican hairlesses. He wishes he were in Tijuana. Eating barbecued iguana. Veronica gets a call from Keith, who, sitting in his car, asks why he got a voicemail from Catarina asking how he's doing on the case. As Veronica uses her computer to take a closer look at the picture of the dog, she explains that the case is more complicated that she thought, and he counsels her to tell the woman they're too busy. She counters that they need the money, since it would be nice not to have glasses with pictures of the Hamburglar on them. I still have glasses like that, Veronica. You're making me grimace. She tells Keith that it would be nice if for once, they brought people together rather than tearing them apart. He says they're "not the freakin' Love Boat." And let me just tell you something right now: If you shippers start referring to your desire for a Logan/Veronica pairing as "the LoVe Boat," I'm torching the forums and never looking back. Veronica zeroes in on the dog's collar, which reads "Steve." On cue, Wallace identifies it as a Catahoula Leopard dog. Keith begs her to do some high-school girl things every now and then. I thought those things interfered with "daddy-daughter time." Veronica promises that she's cutting pictures of "Ashton" out of Teen People as they speak. Look, I'm not saying Ashton Kutcher's age alone should disqualify him from being in teen rags. But when you're two degrees of coital separation away from Bruce Willis, it might be time to market yourself to an audience that's slightly longer in the tooth. Keith sees a guy with a neck brace awkwardly licking an ice-cream cone across the street. He hops out of his car in pursuit, unaware that he's being observed by two guys in a car. Said guys should really be living in an era when mustaches were popular, so they wouldn't have to do their twirling figuratively.

Veronica calls a bunch of animal hospitals looking to track down the dog. She lucks out, and spins a yarn for the woman about how she has a Catahoula Leopard dog too, and she and "Lulu" met Steve the week before, and basically, Lulu's been humping everything that moves since, so could the woman ask the owner if he might be interested in breeding his dog with hers? She agrees. Veronica then calls Saint Blonde and asks if they could leave a little early for the party so she can make a stop. Probably to buy some amphetamines, in order to keep up with the pace of this episode. She hears back from the woman at the hospital, and the answer is no. I'm guessing Steve was not consulted in that decision.

Sheriff's station. Saint Blonde says she doesn't understand what they're doing there, but, upon seeing Leo wave at Veronica, says it's all clear now. Hee. Leo marble-mouthedly greets her, and it does seem like that's a quality she likes in guys. Veronica says she needs a little favor, but her attention is distracted by a sketch hanging on the wall. It's her, with horns. Hee. Leo says they have a sketch artist up from San Diego, and he figured he'd test him out: "He's not bad." I like seeing Veronica getting shit she deserves. It's a refreshing change from the other kind. The artist in question appears, and Veronica greets him as "Karl," and congratulates him, as she finally feels, in finger-quotes, "wanted." Heh. Karl tells her to say hi to Keith for him. If Karl has an affinity for Keith, I really want to see him sketch Officer Fuckface. Horns would be just the beginning. Veronica asks Leo if he can find out who the woman at the animal hospital called. Leo isn't sure about it, but Veronica tells him there's a long history of back-scratching between cops and private dicks. I feel like that sentence could be made very naughty with the slightest rearrangement. Leo asks when she scratches his back. Not until she's eighteen, if the forum posters have anything to say about it. Veronica suggests that Leo "and Sax" bust the party she and Saint Blonde are going to. She goes over to Saint Blonde, who notes that Leo totally wants "to protect and serve" her. Hee. I like Saint Blonde. I should probably change her name. To something really short, like "Meg." Ooh, would you look at that!

Veronica and Meg enter the party, which is a set we've seen before, but I can't decide if it's Madison (Makeup, Makeup, Makeup!)'s house or the college dorm in "The Wrath Of Con." Veronica notes that it's nice, and Caz appears to tell her that it's a model home: his dad's a developer. Given the quality of the writing on this show, I'm going to take that as a shout-out to Arrested Development, even though, given where the show takes place, it's just as likely to be an homage to The O.C.. Caz asks if the girls would like a drink. Meg says she's fine. Caz agrees with a finger-gun, "You are super-fine." Meg tries valiantly to keep from cracking up as Veronica covers the same impulse by asking for a soda. He says they're out, but points them toward the keg. Caz asks Meg if she went to the game the night before. Meg says she was there, cheering, duh? She tries to get some sort of recognition from him by saying she's "kewl." She does not realize that a cerebrum is vital in producing said reaction. During this exchange, you can see Veronica merrily chatting with some girl in the background, and her social ostracism really does seem to be losing steam. Speaking of steam, that's what's coming out of Meg's ears when Caz accidentally spills beer all over her. To his marginal credit, Caz does apologize in a dumbstruck manner. That's Method for you. Looking to dry off, Meg runs into the other candidate for admirer, Martin, who's very nice to her. Veronica asks to borrow his cell phone, like, SUBTLE, but the battery dies. Duncan comes up to her and asks if she knows what's going on with Logan, since he's camped out in a hotel lobby in L.A. Veronica's surprised to hear he's still there, and says she'll take care of it as she flips Martin's phone back to him. Meg stops her to say she'd look good on Caz's arm, "but do you have anything available in sensitive or charming?" Veronica: "I can check in the back." Hee. Veronica asks Meg if she's okay to get a ride home, and Meg says she'll be fine. Veronica corrects her to say that she'll be super-fine. Finger-guns all around.

Logan drifts in and out of sleep. Lynn, wake him up before you go-go. The British jerk comes over to tell Logan that the lobby is for hotel guests only. Logan flashes a credit card: "So book me a room, Jeeves." He asks for a room-service menu as well. The guy smiles a smile that actually sucks my fists toward the TV. That hasn't happened to me since I had to recap Oliver Hudson. Veronica arrives and regards Logan sympathetically. She says he can't sit there forever, and that they should "smoke her out." She makes a call, identifies herself as Lynn Lester, and reports the platinum card lost.

Sometime later, as jarring piano music plays, a woman strides out of the private elevator. We only see her from the back, and she's wearing a black hat and dress. Logan breathes, "That's her." I'm nervous. Hold me now.

Logan rushes toward the desk, a smile breaking across his face as he asks, "Mom?" The woman in question turns and takes off her sunglasses. No lie, they are the exact ones Kim Carnes wore in the video for "Bette Davis Eyes." And it's fitting, because couldn't you just picture Bette Davis as Logan's chain-smoking great-grandmother? Anyway, behind the shades is...Alyson Hannigan. Now, I have to confess that Willow was nowhere near my favorite character for any stretch of Buffy, and I couldn't abide her at all by the end. But I'm willing to keep an open mind, even if I'm holding a yellow crayon at the ready. Alyson breezily greets Logan, and asks, "Did you just call me 'Mom'?" She calls him "brother," and says that "you know Mom's...gone, right?" So this is the Trina we've heard so little about. Logan acidly notes that she's supposed to be in Australia, but she says that didn't work out. She's not too big in Japan, either. Her little smile there is very Willow-esque. Crayola, don't fail me now. Trina's eyes go past Logan, and she eagerly greets Veronica. Veronica, having goggled in the background for this whole scene, somewhat shyly says hello to Trina in response. Trina asks if the whole "Brat Pack" is there, and wonders if it's prom night, and they've all got a room. These questions all come with just the right mix of condescension and uninterest, and my hopes are rising for the character. Logan looks dazed, but when Trina says she's been "out of the loop lately," and starts to mock-excitedly ask if he and Veronica are an item, he tells her to shut up with such vehemence that you'd think Veronica was the whore of Babylon. Whom, considering he dated Paris Hilton, would be a couple of steps up.

Logan can't believe that Trina's decked out in "Mom's" clothes, but Trina points out that Lynn was only her stepmom, and that she used to "parade through the house in a string bikini whenever [Trina] had a boy over." Well, considering the show Lynn put on for a few leering friends of her son, I'm going to take Trina's word for it. Logan says that "Dad" could have used her presence after Lynn's death, but Trina calls him out on his hatred for Haaron, asking if he isn't the "big bad wolf." Logan silently mouths "No," to her. I don't think he's disagreeing with her, considering the job the Foley artists did on the sounds of leather on skin. Rather, I think he's begging her not to mention his "stories" of abuse in front of Veronica, which is intriguing, both for the point that she didn't know about it despite the fact that they were close friends, and the point that he cares about whether she knows now, despite the fact that they're not friends anymore. Have I mentioned in a paragraph or two how much I love this show? It spins me right round, baby, right round. Despite Logan's plea, however, Trina won't hush, or keep it down, down, as she continues about "cigarette burns and broken noses. Oh, the stories you used to tell!" Yeah, and they make Grimm's Fairy Tales look jolly by comparison. Logan fights down his sorrow as he snarks that they should get together more often, and Trina says that he's in luck, since she's heading home. Logan: "But if you're coming home, who will play Dead Hooker 2 on C.S.I. this week? How will you get your attention fix?" Trina: "Maybe I can be the ring girl at one of your bum fights." You guys, I think someone was in the loop after all. And that loop is super-bitchy, so she probably reads TWoP. Not wanting this to go any further, Veronica steps in between them and brightly suggests she and Logan get going. Trina, sounding more sincere, fondly says that Veronica is all grown up, and that they should hang out while she's in town. Veronica uncomfortably agrees, but I'm sensing a slight bit of hero-worship left over from when Veronica was younger. Hey, we all liked the first three seasons of Buffy. Veronica starts to lead a hesitant and dazed Logan away, but stops when he starts to break down. Some people felt that this was a bit abrupt, but I think he was holding it together in front of Trina, and couldn't hold it anymore. Veronica looks sad and uncomfortable as Logan loses it in her arms. Oh, Logan. You're bringin' on the heartbreak.

Keith is on the phone giving someone an update about the insurance-fraud case he's on. He notices that he's being followed, and asks the person on the phone whether anyone else is working the case. Upon hearing a negative, he says he'll send "the pictures" when he gets back, and hangs up. He pulls into a hotel with valet parking and hops out of the car. Soon afterward, the figurative mustache-twirlers pull in and split up, presumably to look for him. So I guess they're following him because they think he's working on the Tom Cruz case? Because otherwise, I don't see the connection. Once they're out of the frame, we see Keith hiding inside.

Cut to Keith breaking into the mustache-twirlers' car, using the same tool Veronica used to break into Mac's car. Heh. He finds something in the glove compartment.

Cut to Keith fakely saying he was in the wrong place, and handing over his valet ticket. As he goes to his car, he makes a call, asking presumably whomever he's working with to name-check a "Yevgeny Sukarenko."

Veronica enters the flower shop with Karl the sketch artist. She introduces him to the proprietor, whose name we learn is "Manny." Yeah, surprise. Veronica says Karl will help Manny with his "recall problems." Manny: "Yeah, good luck." Hee. Veronica leaves as Karl says he'll fax the results to her place. Veronica: "I owe you one." Veronica, I hope you've got a Blackberry, because with all the favors you owe, keeping track will take quite the memory.

Mars Investigations. Veronica's phone rings. She smiles when she sees who's calling, and answers. Leo gives her three names called from the animal hospital during the period she specified. She tells him he's a prince. Leo: "I'm writing that down." Veronica smiles and refrains from suggesting that he sound it out first.

VMVO tells us that the first two names were strikes, as she stakes out the last one. She sees Steve the dog come bounding out of a house. The owner, "Tom Cruz," follows, and Veronica snaps some pictures of him.

Later, Veronica's got the pictures on her computer. She calls Catarina and gives her the good news, but just as she's about to tell her the address, Keith appears out of nowhere and disconnects the call. Veronica's all, who? What? Keith explains that Catarina is in fact "Yelena Sukarenko," and that the brothers Yevgeny and Sergei are Russian mob from Chicago. "Anthony Thomas Cruz" worked for their father, turned state's evidence, and put the father away: "He's not a long-lost love, Veronica. He's in the Witness Protection Program." Oh, Veronica. Sometimes we all feel like absolute beginners. The phone rings as Veronica looks like she's trying not to vomit. Considering that Shannon Elizabeth is on the commercial immediately following, I can't imagine her efforts in that department were entirely successful.

The phone continues to ring, but Keith nods to Veronica to answer it: "Just like we said." I don't imagine Catarlena's been letting the phone ring this whole time, so let's assume she's calling back. Veronica nervously gives Catarlena an address. Keith tells her that was good work. Well, except for the part where she came within a hair of costing a man his life. That work wasn't quite as good.

The brothers Sukarenko enter what we recognize as Caz's dad's model home. I get why they wanted to use a model home, but did they ask permission here? Also, how did Keith know he could beat the Russians to the address? The Russians enter the house, guns drawn, and hear what sounds like the noise of a blender coming from the kitchen. They enter with a "Das vedanya, Mr. Cruz." Keith casually pokes his head out of the refrigerator and is like, "Privyet!" Dude, ha ha and all, but you could easily have been saying that privyet to a number of bullets lodged right in your bald head. Seriously, what reason did he have to think they wouldn't shoot on sight? I find that very bothersome. Anyway, Deputy Leo and a couple other officers appear and arrest the brothers. It does appear as though Keith is wearing a bulletproof vest, but since his shiny bald head would be visible even in the dark, I'm not convinced that was quite enough protection. Leo's all, "'Privyet'?" Keith: "It's Russian. I looked it up." You know, between Leo's saving Keith's life in "Silence Of The Lamb" and their working together here, I think the show is trying hard to make it so that Keith won't object if Leo and Veronica hook up. We'll see if Keith still feels that way when his daughter's being rocked like a hurricane.

Chez Mars. Veronica opens the door for Meg, who's wearing Molly Ringwald's dress from Pretty In Pink. Isn't she? Veronica apologizes, saying she hasn't been able to find Meg's secret admirer. Meg tells her not to worry about it, since she's not really into Caz or Martin, and hands over the flowers the admirer sent her that are supposed to be their "signal." Veronica wonders why Meg's all dressed up, but Meg tells her she doesn't need a date: "I'm taking you." Oh my. If they cannot make babies, maybe they can make some time.

Several cans of hairspray later, Veronica is dolled up in a black dress, stilettos, and something resembling fishnets, fairly reminiscent of Madonna's earliest look. Her comment? "I look like Manila Whore Barbie." Hee hee. Does Veronica dress for every situation? The fax machine rings, and Veronica goes to retrieve the copy of the sketch. When she looks at it, her face falls. Meg asks what's up, but Veronica says it's nothing, and hurries her out the door, dropping the sketch in the trash. And I don't want to put poor Manny down, but if that's how he described Duncan, I think he's forgotten a thing or two. Like, say, the 1960s. Oh, I should add that a lot of people thought it was weird that Duncan would use such a twee, internet-y phrase like "I think UR kewl," but, since we know he likes to make fun of dumb expressions by using them ironically, I can buy that it's in character. If not, say it with me: Banned.

Dance. The Fixx's "One Thing Leads To Another" plays. Veronica and Meg Val-speak as they admire the costumes. Meg decides that her foray into lesbianism can wait until college, and Veronica, after a slight hesitation, pins the corsage on her wrist. She starts to walk off, and Meg asks her where she's going. Cyndi Lauper's original version of "Time After Time" kicks up as Veronica's eyes point Meg to look behind her. She does, and sees Duncan, dressed as Duckie from Pretty in Pink, wearing the matching corsage. Meg looks back at Veronica with a mixture of hope and pity, and I think Alona Tal brings a combination of humanity mixed with a slight bit of shallowness to this role that's a welcome addition. VMVO says she doesn't need any more surprises for one night as she hustles out of the dance. She gets into her car and starts to cry. "Time After Time" continues to play as someone knocks on her window. It's Deputy Leo, who's dressed as Don Johnson in Miami Vice, and has flowers for her. Boy, I learned about approach-avoidance dilemma in high school, but I've never seen it applied quite so well. I don't know if you can see it in the aired footage, but I saw some advance photos for this episode, and Leo was even wearing white shoes. Hee. Leo asks her if she's ready for a total eclipse of the heart, and Veronica melts. His timing is certainly better than his diction.

Spandau Ballet's "True" plays. Leo tells Veronica she looks beautiful. Veronica takes a long look at Duncan and Meg. After she turns back, Duncan regards them appraisingly. All the surreptitious looking is interrupted by Logan appearing on stage in Tom Cruise-in-Risky Business-wear. And I've stayed off this topic so far, but from this performance, it looks like Scientology causes you to wear oversized Wayfarers and forget to put on pants. Logan tells everyone to Wang Chung, or he'll kick their asses. I guess someone's all cried out. Logan disappears, and Veronica mutters, "I cannot escape Tom Cruise." Hee.

Out in the hall, Veronica is trying to get Logan's keys away from him as Leo looks on. Who's gonna drive him home tonight? The answer is Trina, who says she got a call that he was wasted. Possibly the call came from Duncan, if he was able to reach his phone without grabbing Meg's boob. Er, yeah, "without." She snarks that it's like she never left, and then asks, "Is that Kajagoogoo?" I don't know -- the sound wasn't great right there. I assume that's what she was talking about, because if someone were dressed as Limahl, I'd imagine I would have seen the hair from three counties away. Trina says she'll take him home, and Logan tells her she has to let him puke in her car. Trina: "Of course. Just like old times." She actually said that and took his arm with some affection, so I guess Logan's puke doesn't stink. The forum posters have been saying that for a while. Leo marble-mouths about Logan's being a "promising young man." Veronica asks if Meg's responsible for Leo's being there, and he tells her she called (very thoughtful of her), but he came because he wanted to see Veronica. Aw. They look at each other for a while, and after a formal declaration of intent, they kiss. Well, Veronica. It's too bad you're not dressed as Lita Ford, because that kiss was deadly. She's happy, but then her phone rings. She answers, but no one talks, again, and she hangs up. Leo suggests Star 69. Veronica tries it, and some guy answers. He's at a pay phone, and says she must be looking for "that blonde lady." He's in a "cantina" in Barstow, by the way, and if you don't know where that is, did you see Kill Bill: Vol. 2? No? Well, there you go. Veronica kisses Leo and runs out of there as fast as her stilettos will carry her. Leo's all, "What?" and for once, his diction is perfect.

Barstow. Veronica, in normal clothes, pulls into a lot and walks into a seedy bar. It's day, which makes little sense, since Barstow can't be more than a three-hour drive from the San Diego area. I mean, I could see changing the outfit, but beyond that, I'd think she'd want to get there as quickly as possible. I suppose Keith might miss her, though. She goes up to a woman slumped over the bar and asks, "Mom?" Unlike the situation with Logan, it is actually her mother. Not that it's easy to tell, with the looking like ten miles of rough road and all. And that's just her hair. Lianne's eyes focus, and she freaks out, saying that if they're seen together, Veronica will get hurt. Veronica yells that she knows who was blackmailing them. Is it Clarence Wiedman? Because if not, it seems like quite the coincidence that he's standing right there. He strides out to menacing music. Over the credits, Lianne breathes, "Veronica." For those of you worried about their safety, just remember this: a girl in trouble is a temporary thing.

Four-week break! And then, seven straight episodes, culminating in the resoluton of the Lilly Kane mystery! See you then!