Big ups to Demian for covering the recaplet for me this week. It's too bad he hates the show so much. Hee.
Closeup of a ring with a large, gaudy design on some dude's pinky. He's yelling into a headset about someone having to commit at least ten million for something or other, and hangs up. He's played by Anthony Anderson, whom I last saw putting nasty surprises in the secret sauce at some burger joint in Harold And Kumar Go To White Castle. It doesn't sound like his people skills have improved much, but refraining from serving people food laced with certain bodily secretions is a start. There's less projectile vomiting, anyway. A pretty woman appears and hands Double A some papers, which she explains are a waiver to let their son drop PE, since he's going to be doing independent study in physics. Double A signs the form, but snarks that the son could use getting hit with a dodgeball or two to "toughen his ass up." Having seen the episode already, I hope it's not too cruel to opine that it's going to take a little more than that. Of course, to be fair, it's not like you could bounce a quarter off Double A's ass, either. Even the dodgeball would have trouble rebounding. Double A complains that their "club bill" is high, and his wife patiently explains that "Yolanda," their daughter, has been taking riding lessons. Double A bitches about how when he was a kid, he had to pop a cap in people's asses five miles in the snow, uphill both ways. Or something. The mother says that Yolanda is at "Gabrielle's," and she's supposed to call if she stays over. Double A: "How did a man like me end up with National Black Velvet and Urkel?" You know, even the most offhand of comments can do limitless damage to a child's psyche. That being said: Hee! Urkel is comedy gold, in the "I'm laughing AT you" way. Speaking of whom, Urkel appears, and Double A greets him. Urkel tells him haltingly: "It's Yolanda. Something's happened." Well, that's informative, Brainiac.
Cut to a shot of a tabloid headline about Lynn's disappearance. At Mars Investigations, Wallace, sporting some better twist-y hair, asks Veronica if Lynn really left a suicide note on her Blackberry. Hey, why stop there -- she could have emailed it mid-jump. "Logan, I'll always love you. Haaron, see you in HEEEEEELLLLLLLLL!" Veronica exposits that Logan hasn't been in school since it happened, and then Keith walks in. Well, I should really say he "walks" in, because whether it was yoga or pilates or heavy lifting Keith battled with lately, I think it's fair to say he lost. Veronica asks him how his back is holding up, reminds him to take his painkillers, and adds, "time, remember: Lift drunk, combative bail-jumpers with your legs, not your back." Keith looks at her like he'd be happy to lift a leg, the better with which to boot Veronica right in her nagging ass. He goes into his office, and Veronica banters with Wallace about his new hair until a suit-sporting Double A walks in and asks for Keith. Veronica sends him on in to Keith's office and goes back to writing something in a spiral notebook. She must be off her detective game, or she might have noticed Wallace picking his chin up off the floor. After a bit too much blather about urban street cred and holding people out of windows to get them to sign contracts, Wallace informs her that Double A is "the gangsta rap impresario beside whom all gangsta rap impresarios measure themselves." I wonder exactly what kind of measuring all these impresarios do side by side, and the fact that Double A's name is apparently "Bone Hamilton" isn't doing much to slow my speculation down. Inside Keith's office, Double A tells Keith his daughter's missing. He hands Keith a picture and asks him to find her. Outside, Veronica reveals that she knew Yolanda. "We used to be friends. A long time ago." Well, if you're in the business of shout-outs, Veronica, I notice you're sitting on a couch. I know you know what I'm talking about. Would it really be asking so much? Credits.
Keith asks Double A if Yolanda's disappearance could just be "teenage misbehavior." We see Yolanda's photo, and she's very pretty. Double A says that Yolanda knows the rules, and her friend Gabrielle said they were studying together until midnight. Then Urkel found her car up the street with the doors open and signs of a struggle, so everything points to a kidnapping. Keith opines that the police might be better able to help him, but Double A says he doesn't like the police. No need for introductions with Officer Fuckface, then. Double A goes on that the feeling is mutual, and from what he hears, Keith should sympathize. Well, to be fair, the police probably shouldn't be big fans of anyone who holds people out of windows to get them to do his bidding. And I don't think Keith has done that, although there certainly may have been a scene with Icetwin that unfolded off-camera. Anyway, Keith thinks for a moment, and then asks if Double A has any idea who might want to do this. Double A smirks and produces a list that…well, let's just say that if he subscribes to the idea that you should "keep your friends close and your enemies closer," it's a damn good thing he lives in a mansion. Keith smiles as he notes, "That's a lot of ideas," but the smile fades as Double A adds that that list is just for Southern California, and if Keith hears anything about New York, Detroit, or Atlanta, he's got more lists. For his part, Keith looks like he's wondering how much hazard pay he can get away with charging before he's the John Cleese character in A Fish Called Wanda. On his way out, Double A suggests Keith start at the top, with "Sam Bloom."
Keith arrives home, and Veronica asks him if he had any luck. Negative. Noting the magazine he's reading, Veronica asks if he's checking "what's up with Nelly." Keith tells her he's reading up on his client, who apparently is "the scariest man alive who's also launching a line of casual wear." Dude, you want to talk scary? I've seen Ralph Lauren in person, and the things he's done to his skin. After Double A sticks his head in a broiler for a few half-hour stints, we'll sit down and talk about scary. Veronica looks at Yolanda's picture, and offers that Yolanda goes to Neptune High, and she could ask around. Keith accepts that offer, but warns her to be discreet. "Client's a little sensitive." Well, okay, but there's a difference between "I cry nonstop during Frequency" sensitive and "You mispronounced my name, so now I will shoot you in the kneecaps" sensitive. Just saying.
School. VMVO tells us that it's not the first time she's had the chance to help Yolanda. We flash back, with much less blue than usual, to Yolanda walking into school, causing Duncan and Logan to quickly pitch tents. And if "An Echolls Family Christmas" is any indication, they match. Lilly good-naturedly notes that the boys are "equal-opportunity oglers," and Logan concurs. "I judge not by the color of their skin, but by the content of their sweater." I'm sure Weevil would be happy to hear that, especially if you substitute "pants" for "sweater." Hey, he's the one who talked about the size of his hog. Lilly says it's a good thing she's not the jealous type. It'd be a better thing if she later remembered she said that. Veronica sunnily goes up to Yolanda and introduces herself, and offers to show her where her class is. As they walk off, we get a reprise of that effect where present Veronica is superimposed over the flashback scene. It's a lot less fake-looking than last time, so kudos there. Flash back to the present.
Keith is in the aforementioned Sam Bloom's office. Bloom tells Keith that his kids grew up with those of the Hamiltons. Keith offers that he heard there was bad blood between him and Double A, and Bloom chuckles all, "You have NO idea." Bloom sardonically tells Keith that when Double A was, as he tells the press, "fighting his way up from the mean streets," a lot of his success was due to his lawyer, who just happened to be Bloom. But when Bloom found out Double A was engaged in tax evasion, he squealed to save his practice, and Double A went "back to jail." Keith doesn't understand why the hatred is two-sided, but Bloom goes for the big reveal by wheeling himself out from behind his desk. That was underplayed and well-done, and I am looking in your direction, Sensei Shut Up. Bloom goes on that a couple months later, as he left work, someone drove up and fired ten shots into him, and although Double A denied responsibility, Bloom found out that day who the man really is. "It's Bone." Well, that is a lot shorter to type than Double A. You make a good case -- no wonder you're a lawyer.
Veronica's sitting with a girl we'll learn is Yolanda's friend Gabrielle. Short version? Gabrielle: "I'm lying, and babbling, and babbling, and wow, am I lying." Veronica's face: "Yes, you certainly are, and you're really, really bad at it, but you're really pretty, too, and I will own those hoop earrings you're wearing." Veronica asks Gabrielle if she wouldn't like to try again, and Gabrielle comes clean, saying that she and Yolanda were sneaking out to a club in L.A. called Blender, and they could get in because the bouncer was a friend of Yolanda's dad's. Gabrielle adds that she's been seeing an older guy, and if her parents knew, they'd disown her. Veronica asks when they left, and Gabrielle tells her that she and her jailbait chaser took off around midnight, but Yolanda was still there, and she had her car. Veronica sincerely says she hopes Yolanda is okay, and Gabrielle bites her head off: "You think I don't? She's my friend! Who are you?" Geez, Gabrielle, she's the town pump. She'd have it embroidered on her underwear, were she wearing any. Seriously, I don't get Gabrielle's reaction there -- Veronica's trying to help, and it just seems like a clunky way to reinforce Veronica's isolation and to carry us into the flashback, neither of which are necessary. Anyway. Veronica calls her dad and asks him to check something, but before we find out what it is, VMVO cuts in to tell us she was Yolanda's first friend at Neptune. Don't interrupt yourself, Veronica. We flash back to Duncan, Lilly, Logan, Veronica, Yolanda, and Ugly Owen Wilson eating lunch. Ugly Owen Wilson asks what Yolanda's dad does. Yolanda: "He's one of the Dixie Chicks. And yeah, he makes more money than your dad. Was that your real question?" Hee. Yolanda's sassiness gets appreciative laughs from the table. Logan announces a big blowout at his place that weekend, as his parents are going to Nepal. That's a surprising vacation spot for the Echolls parents. You'd think a seasoned philanderer like Haaron would know that you don't screw the sherpas -- it's a good way to end up stranded at the top of a mountain. Lilly and Veronica tell Yolanda she has to come to the party.
Chez Echolls. Haaron sits despondently in a bathrobe as Logan comes in with some dry cleaning and notes that dying will get you a lot of flowers. Haaron really looks to be taking this hard, which will happen when the last words you said to your wife were about leaving her with nothing. Should they meet in the afterlife, he'll totally be owed a kick in the balls for that one. Haaron takes Logan's hand and tells some story about how they fooled Lynn into wearing a mermaid costume around the zoo when Logan was ten. Well, having seen what Haaron does with his belt collection, I suppose it's not a surprise that that memory is in Haaron's "fond" column. The fact that a memory he classifies as "fond" is actually creepy and disturbing isn't really a surprise, either. Logan pulls his hand away and says he remembers that day, because on the way home he spilled a milkshake in the car and Haaron gave him a nosebleed. Haaron counters that Logan did it on purpose because he and Lynn wouldn't buy him a monkey, and when he went to grab Logan, Logan smacked his head against the window. As is usual with these contrary depictions, the truth probably lies somewhere in between. Less usually, the truth isn't too happy about it. Haaron changes the subject and asks if Logan's heard from his sister. Logan says she sent a telegram. "Heartbroken. Stop. Can't make it back from Sydney. Stop. Underwater scene shoot tomorrow. Stop. Entire crew said prayer for Mom. Stop. Love you. Stop." Well, Alyson, you don't get to say "Stop" to me. Because I certainly said it enough during the last two seasons of Buffy, but did you listen? Nooooo. I should note that the editing decisions here are kind of crappy -- there are too many cuts to Haaron, and considering that he looks like he's taken over for Lynn in the self-medicating department, they would have done better to focus on Logan. Logan snarks on show biz people, and mentions that his sister did send a wreath. Haaron wistfully talks about how much Lynn liked tulips. Yeah. Big ones, if you follow me. Also, let's just say Haaron's delivery while talking about the flowers is simply begging for me to call him Algernon. The doorbell rings, and Logan leaves Haaron to repent for his sins. That could take a while.
Mars Investigations. Keith exposits that the number-four guy on Bone's list is the same guy Gabrielle told Veronica about, and he used to be Bone's bodyguard until he started messing around with Yolanda. Keith goes for his keys, but Veronica grabs them, and they bicker a bit about whether she's going. Three guesses if she gets to come along. I know there are only two choices, but I figure if you don't get this on the first try, you need all the help you can get.
Car, parked on some street. Keith tells her to stay in the car, and Veronica warns him to watch his back. "I mean that medically." Way to step on your own punchline, Mars. We're to assume that they're at Blender, judging by the line of women lined up to get in, as Keith goes to talk to the bouncer. Meanwhile, Veronica notices a guy putting a ticket in a box marked "Valet," and gets an idea. If there's a need for valet parking, it probably would have been impossible to get a spot so close to the club, but whatever. The bouncer says that getting fired wised him up, and while he let Yolanda into the club, they're not involved any more. He adds that if Bone suspects him, he must not know who Yolanda was there with that night.
Keith gets back in the car and asks Veronica if she's heard of a rapper called "Dime Bag." She has. He tells her that that's the guy Bone held out the window to get him to sign a contract, and he was at Blender on the night Yolanda disappeared with his "bunch of dudes." Veronica winces and corrects him that the term is "posse." I thought "posse" was starting to get pretty dated, but since I'm closer to Keith's age than Veronica's, I probably should keep my mouth shut. Not least because I'm really starting to depress myself. Keith says the "posse" is at the "Duke Hotel," and then notices that Veronica grabbed a bunch of valet stubs. Veronica brightly says even kidnappers have to park. At Keith's stony expression, she adds: "I know. Stay in the car." Hee. They drive away.
Parking garage. Boy, I wouldn't leave my daughter alone in one of those. They're TV deathtraps. Keith returns and tells Veronica that "Mr. Bag" (hee) is on the town, and the manager told him he wouldn't talk to Keith even if he were present, unless Bone were willing to beg. He says they're going to Plan B.
Cut to Keith dressing up like some kind of maintenance man. He and Veronica pick out the bugs he'll need. Heh.
Veronica waits in the hotel lobby as VMVO gives us some sadly unnecessary commentary designed to get us into another flashback. This one takes place in Yolanda's house. Lilly and Veronica admire all the platinum records on the walls, but Yolanda dismisses them as no big thing, and says her dad's just a producer. Somewhere, Joel Silver involuntarily narrows his eyes. They run into Urkel, who tells them Bone is away on business. Yolanda rolls her eyes at him and ushers Lilly and Veronica into her room. Therein, Lilly reads Lucky and talks about her boyfriend. Veronica wonders what happened to Logan, and Lilly tells her that he's "insanely jealous" all the time, and it's getting on her nerves. Not sure I completely buy that, but I'm certainly willing to believe Lilly blowing off his party just because she feels like it. Veronica says that she and Yolanda will just have to party for three. Lilly: "Which means Yolanda will have to be partying for two and a half." Heh. For those who thought Lilly was mean there, it's worth noting that Veronica doesn't look very stung. I think it was just an ongoing ribbing with the two of them. Lilly says that they're still going to Fleet Week in San Diego. The girls all giggle, because statutory rape is hilarious. Yolanda says she's really glad she met Lilly and Veronica. Lilly, mock-earnestly: "You should be glad. We're the best." Veronica agrees. Hee. Lilly says San Diego will be "rockin' like Dokken." Now that's a reference that I know, which again underscores the fact that I am old. Now pardon me while I take a Metamucil break and a nap.
Back in the lobby, Veronica sees "Darius Bagley, a.k.a. 'Dime Bag'" and two of his boys enter the hotel and start complaining about their room. The clerk says she'll switch them to the biggest room they have. Dime Bag complains about the hotel's VIP treatment, and thinking quickly, Veronica saunters up, introduces herself as the hospitality hostess, and apologizes for the mixup while getting in a dig at the clerk about how "the new help doesn't always quite get it." I think the VIP marks are actually very high, assuming "VIP" stands for "Veronica Is a Playa." Veronica offers to show them to their room. They get in the elevator, and Veronica pushes the button. I do think that the best suite in the hotel would probably require a special key for elevator access. I realize I'm nitpicking, but what else am I supposed to do while I wait for my Social Security check to arrive? (Especially since the waits are likely to get longer, if you know what I mean.)
Upstairs, Dime Bag, who's played by Sam Sarpong, is pleased with the room. Veronica plants a bug while pointing out the features of the room in a hilariously lame manner. She leaves with the promise of sending up more Cristal. Hee.
Parking garage. Veronica tells Keith she just went to the bathroom. Keith powers up his computer to listen to the bug's feed, but all he gets is a bickering couple. Veronica makes an adjustment, and we hear Dime Bag and his cronies. Keith stares daggers at Veronica, and then one of the guys talks about how hot Veronica was. Well, at least Keith doesn't have to change his facial expression. Another of the guys calls Veronica "scrawny" as Veronica asks Keith to drop the attitude. She asks what their move is, and Keith tells her that he's going to have to get Bone to beg. Veronica starts the car as she claims, "I'm not scrawny." Keith just looks at her. Veronica: "I'm not." Hee. Time to hit the gym, Sticky.
Chez Echolls. In the living room, we pan over photographs of the family in happier times. Unless I missed it, they didn't take the opportunity to include Alyson Hannigan's image into any of them. Interesting. Logan and Haaron emerge and head for the door, but before they proceed outside, Haaron tells Logan that he has a pretty good idea what's going through his head. If that were true, you'd be locking all your doors and windows and sleeping in body armor. Haaron goes on that he knows Logan blames him for Lynn's death, but they should be a team now, as they're all they've got. Logan puts on his shades and gives Haaron a sarky peace sign with his fingers. Haaron looks a little defeated. Perhaps a peace offering would work. How about a "Get Out Of One Whipping Free" card?
Outside, Logan sees a paparazzo snapping their picture. Logan chases the guy, who tries to get over the front gate. Nothing doing, as Logan grabs him and smashes his camera. Not that he needs extra justification, but it's nice that we already knew that Logan isn't crazy about gawkers and picture-takers. The guy whines about his thousand-dollar camera. Dude, you should just be happy that it didn't end up in a position to take a close-up of your prostate. Haaron rushes up, and Logan yells that Lynn would have wanted for Haaron not to sleep with all her friends, and to care about her as much as he did his career. "So okay Dad, let's be honest. Maybe we both wish we'd been better. But she's only gone because of you." If that's Logan's idea of being a team, he and Haaron should really try out for The Amazing Race. Perhaps they'll earn a Dr. Phil special afterward. Logan stalks off as Haaron asks if everyone's enjoying the show. Well, I am, but that's hardly news around here.
Lab. Veronica finds Urkel, who's doing something related to civil engineering. She starts to introduce herself, but he calls her by name and says he remembers her, which is a nice touch. He probably remembered her for a while at night before he went to sleep, but that's another story. Veronica says she wants to track Yolanda down, but Urkel says that something bad must have happened to her, and it's Bone's fault. He goes on that despite the fact that Bone's been in jail for a third of his life, Urkel's the one that's considered the embarrassment. "State science fair winner two years straight, but I'm soft. Is that why you guys stopped bein' friends? You figure out our dad was in jail?" Veronica denies that, and Urkel says it's too bad, because Yolanda "really liked you guys." Well, I have to point out that Lilly wouldn't have been such a good friend to Yolanda, what with the EXTREME DEADNESS AND ALL. I can't speak for Veronica, but you know what can? Another flashback.
Kids, including Duncan, Veronica, Logan, and Yolanda, are playing quarters. Apparently Veronica has told Logan that Lilly's sick. Yeah, sick of him! Oh, snap! No I di-int! Word to your moth…sigh. Old. Old old old. Anyway. Duncan says he should get Veronica home, the implication that she's had one too many wine coolers or shots of peppermint Schnapps or whatever it is that people who party like half a person drink. Veronica says a warm goodnight to Yolanda, and they leave, but Veronica doubles back when she realizes she forgot her purse. She stops short when she sees Logan and Yolanda kissing. It's not the tonguiest of kisses, but whatever's said later, it looks like there's some intent on both sides.
I have to point out a timeline issue here. We were told that this party happened the week before Lilly's death, and we know that Duncan broke up with Veronica before Lilly died. So since Duncan and Veronica were still together at the party, that means that Duncan has to break up with Veronica within the few days, and Lilly has to talk to Duncan about the breakup before she dies. I'm not saying that's not possible, I'm just pointing out that we're on a tight schedule here. Anyway, we cut to Lilly hearing the smooch news from Veronica. Veronica tries to play the kiss like it was no big deal, and offers to ask Yolanda about it. Lilly: "I don't know a Yolanda, do you?" Well, yeah, she's the hot girl you were hanging out with and then she kissed your boyfriend and…oh. I see where you're going with this. Flashback to the present, where Veronica takes off.
Chez Bone. Keith is trying to sell Bone on the idea of begging Dime Bag to talk to him. With assistance from the wife, he succeeds. Bone calls Dime Bag, and basically, Dime Bag makes Bone beg, Bone does in fact beg, and Dime Bag says he doesn't know anything and laughs in Bone's face. Man, Dime Bag. I know that must have been satisfying and all, but you just ensured that the time Bone is dangling you out of a window, there's going to be a cry of "Butterfingers!" Keith and Bone and his wife listen via bug to Dime Bag and his buddy crow about how hot Yolanda is until Bone can't take any more and slams the computer shut. He yells at his son to make himself feel better. He and Haaron should get together and commiserate about how giving family members a lot of money should entitle you to emotionally abuse them as much as possible. And then they can talk about how much they don't get the term "embarrassment of riches."
Veronica and Wallace are going through the valet tickets. Veronica discovers that Sam Bloom's son Benjamin was at the club the night Yolanda disappeared. If that doesn't make you want to celebrate with a Progresso commercial, I don't know what will.
Chez Echolls. There's a wake going on, complete with a big black-and-white picture of Lynn mounted on an easel. Whether a separate service for the LIPS will follow is anyone's guess. At least the Echolls house is large enough to accommodate all the plastic surgeons in the area. Logan too-seriously thanks a bunch of guests with sarky comments. One old couple gets "My father thanks you. My mother thanks you. I thank you." What really sells that exchange is the way the couple nods seriously after each expression of thanks. Hee. You know a show's worth watching when the extras are directed well. He grabs a middle-aged gentleman by the shoulders and shakes: "I am GLAD you're here!" He's gonna blow, y'all. And while Weevil's not in the episode, the "No, I'm glad YOU'RE here" look the gentleman shoots him makes me think there's a market for it. Logan takes out a Zippo and starts playing with it as he heads outside to the deck…
…where Haaron is talking with some smarmy guy "Harvey." The guy is trying to get Haaron to make a call about a deal that needs to go through. Haaron points out that it's his wife's funeral as Logan looks on with an expression that suggests a less diplomatic approach. Harvey, watch out for that Zippo, because with the amount of product in your hair, it'll go up like a Roman candle. Logan snarkily asks if "ICM" will let them use their boardroom the time they have a funeral. We do that at TWoP Towers all the time, but the services are for canceled shows. And if you think our recaps are harsh, you should hear some of those eulogies. Logan asks if he could perhaps get them something. "Mimosa? Finger sandwich? Tissue?" He stalks off in disgust. Haaron then pretends to wipe away a tear. Hee, but I'm surprised he doesn't carry glycerine around with him. Maybe he doesn't have room, what with all the Astroglide he's already packing. Harvey unapologetically apologizes and starts to talk about the deal again, but Haaron tells him that he doesn't want Harvey to negotiate any more deals for him. Harvey takes that to mean he's fired, but Haaron says he's out of the business. "I'm done!" Wait, who's going to make fifty-million-dollar crapfests? Oh, right -- Hollywood.
Logan is playing some adventure video game when Duncan walks in and asks what he's doing. Logan snarks about concentrating on the game. Duncan points out that it's Lynn's reception, but Logan says that it isn't -- it's Haaron's. He thanks Duncan for coming rather brusquely, saying it means a lot to the family. Speaking of which, where are the Kane parents? I was wondering if maybe they couldn't stand the pain of another funeral, but that reasoning doesn't really hold up, what with Mommie Sneerest giving off the impression that she tap-danced on Lilly's coffin despite wearing high heels. Duncan gives it a game try, saying he's Logan's friend, and he's worried about him. Logan says none of this matters, and shows Duncan the lighter he's been carrying. He tells Duncan that Lynn's dad fought in the Korean War, and he got the lighter in Seoul, and held onto it even when he was captured. And if your mind didn't flash to Christopher Walken in Pulp Fiction, either you've never seen it, or you've clenched it out of your memory. Anyway, after Lynn's dad and his buddies escaped, he had the lighter engraved. He tosses it to Duncan, who sees that it reads "Free At Last." Logan goes on that his mom always carried the lighter in her purse, but she left it on her dresser the night she disappeared. Logan emotionally goes on that Lynn hated her life and Haaron. "They didn't find a body because she's not dead." He holds up the lighter again. "She just escaped." Well, I'm not saying it's not possible, but suicide is pretty much the ultimate escape, no? Meanwhile, Duncan looks reassured. Reassured, that is, Logan is a few finger sandwiches short of a picnic.
Keith is back in the wheelchair-bound Bloom's office. Bloom doesn't know why his son was at Blender, as he doesn't make a practice of going to hip-hop clubs. Keith tells Bloom that his son got a traffic warning for sitting in his car watching Bone's house. "How did he feel about the shooting?" Well, I'd imagine he wasn't turning cartwheels and buying champagne. This isn't a Joss Whedon show. Bloom says his son was outraged, of course, and adds that his son is hiking in Mexico at the moment and can't be reached. Keith tells Bloom to let him know if he hears from him, and leaves. Bloom seems agitated, as you do when you suspect your son of kidnapping. Whether he'll be more or less agitated when he finds out the truth is for you to decide. Oh, and very nice detail about the Bloom kid watching the house.
Keith returns to Mars Investigations and tells Veronica that Bloom seemed "squirrely" about his son. He asks Veronica how her "sorority-speak" is. Veronica: "Like, awesome!" Hee. Cut to Veronica calling Ben Bloom's roommate. She claims to have met Ben at a "Beach Blanket Bingo mixer." Hee hee. Keith motions for her to move it along, and she tells the roommate that she has to talk to Ben about "something involving…crabs." Keith's face falls. Dude, you started it, with the ants in your pants. Anyway, Veronica finds out that the Mexico story was a fabrication, but Ben left behind a hotel confirmation number for Vegas. Keith makes a call to try to track him down, after which he notes that Veronica's been working overtime on this case. He massages her shoulder as he asks if Yolanda is a friend. He stands and walks behind the chair to double-barrel the effort. A flashback valiantly appears in an attempt to stop my skin from crawling. The flashback is a few seconds too late.
At school, Yolanda catches Veronica, who's clearly uncomfortable. She asks Veronica to talk to Lilly for her, and claims she didn't do anything. Veronica tells her she saw the kiss. Yolanda doesn't deny it, but says it just happened, and it wasn't a big thing, but apparently Logan is saying that Yolanda threw herself at him, and she'd never do that. Veronica should know at least that that part is true, as she was there up until about fifteen seconds before the kiss happened. Yolanda asks Veronica to make Lilly understand. Veronica starts, "I don't know, sometimes she's really…" Well, the word "fabulous" does spring to mind. Same with "scary." And finally, "dead." Lilly honks her horn from a ways away, and yells to Veronica that they have to get going for Fleet Week. Yolanda desperately tells Veronica that Logan kissed her, and it didn't go anywhere. "I don't want to blow it here." Lilly honks again. Veronica looks at Lilly, looks back, steels herself, and says, "You should have known better." Veronica walks toward the car with an "I am really dirty now" look on her face as VMVO conveys equal feelings of dirtiness. Well, at least the timing of Fleet Week worked out conveniently.
Bone appears at Mars Investigations and hands a ransom note to Keith, saying he's got to cough up half a million bucks if he wants to see Yolanda alive again. Keith gives the standard spiel that a ransom note is good news, but is puzzled by the fact that the kidnapper gave up the location of the drop so early. Bone thinks the kidnapper is Dime Bag, because the note refers to Yolanda as "Little Miss Princess," and they heard Dime Bag call her that through surveillance. That's going to turn out to be another very nice little detail, and I'll probably forget to mention it later, so props. Bone: "If I don't get my daughter back, somebody's gonna die." Keith nods all, "Since you're so big into lists, can you tell me if I'm on that particular one?"
Bone Home. Keith enters to find Bone packing the ransom money into a metal briefcase. Bone says that there's a tracking device within, and "the bastards won't even make it a block." Keith advises him to involve the police, but Bone says, indicating his henchposse, "I have my justice right here." Keith says he can't be a party to what Bone has planned, and Bone dismisses him with the promise of payment. Keith looks resigned, and Mrs. Bone looks worried. Perhaps she'll donate money to fight California's three-strikes law.
Keith and Veronica are walking down a main street in the pouring rain. Keith notes that there are no escape routes for the kidnapper, and getting rid of the money will be impossible. Veronica focuses in on the storm drain, and concludes that it wouldn't be totally impossible. Who says civil engineers can't get rich?
Veronica joins Keith in the car, having bought a bunch of rubber duckies. Rub-a-dub-dub, Veronica in the tub. Keith, you just stay where you are. They drive off.
Bone's waiting in the rain when his cell phone rings. A deep voice asks if he sees the taxi up the street, which he does. It then instructs him to go to a nearby trash can, wherein he finds a plastic football. The voice says Bone can keep his cash, but instead he needs to put his "quarter-million-dollar ring" in the football and drop it down the storm drain, or the cab won't stop. Bone grits his teeth, but obeys. The voice disconnects, and the cab starts up. Bone's henchposse rushes it. They open the doors, and we get some jarring and weirdly-edited cuts inside the cab, but we do see that it's empty except for the driver. And from the look on his face, if he's never purchased Scotch Guard, that's about to change. Bone screams in frustration, and I understand, since I don't know how the "kidnapper" got the cab to move at just the right time. There would have been nothing in it for the driver, and how would he have known when to go anyway, since the "kidnapper" was on the phone with Bone? I don't like to do this with this show, but GAH. Suppressing the "GAH" isn't good for your throat.
Cut to Urkel, who's mildly puzzled to see the ducks popping out of the storm drain on the beach. He's happier, however, to see the football. Considering what the football's transporting, I'd think he'd want to check out the ducks, too. You never know. Urkel's smile fades as Veronica joins him. In a nice touch, Keith is hobbling toward them in the distance. Aw. I've had back injuries before, and I can definitely sympathize. Urkel asks Veronica how she found him, and she echoes an earlier line of Keith's, saying whoever did it had to be really dumb or really smart. "You're really smart." Well, considering Bone's likely reaction when he finds out about this, I'd have to opine that Urkel's a combination of both. Cut to the three of them walking back from the beach, as Urkel tells Veronica and Keith that Yolanda just took off, and he heard her making plans to meet someone at the club and take off forever. He hid in Yolanda's trunk and nabbed it after it had been valet-parked, and drove the car back and made it looks like Yolanda had been kidnapped. I think. I don't understand the things kids say these days. What with being so very OLD and all. Veronica asks why he did it, and he says she wouldn't understand, but he thinks she's okay, and she probably just did what she did to get their dad's attention. "I may have stolen some of her thunder." Meanwhile, Keith gets word that Yolanda is okay from the guy he talked to earlier. "Here's what we'll do."
Bone Home. Bone and his wife wait agitatedly until Urkel, Keith, and Veronica enter. Urkel slams his dad's ring down on a table in front of him as Keith explains that Yolanda wasn't kidnapped, and it was Urkel who wrote the note. Urkel: "Look, you can be mad, Dad. But you can't call me soft." Bone says he guesses he can't, as he seems to see his son for the very first time. Which will be convenient later when he plants his foot in his son's ass.
Mrs. Bone interrupts the manly swelling of chests and other parts of the body to ask where the hell Yolanda is. Keith produces his laptop, and tells them Yolanda is on a two-way feed. Yolanda greets her parents and says that the good news is she's fine. If Bone and Mrs. Bone think the bad news is that she's sleeping with the skinny white boy behind her, they don't know the half of it. Because Yolanda and the boy are married, and what's more, the boy is Ben Bloom. Yolanda says she's telling them from there because of the bad blood between the parents. Well, even if she'd picked someone else, I doubt his teenaged daughter's marriage would be something about which Bone would want to produce his platinum record, you know? Bone pleadingly says he didn't order the drive-by, but Yolanda calls him out, saying that he let everyone believe he did to up his cred. "Never mind it just turned me and [Urkel] into gangsta's kids." Bone looks up to see Urkel staring balefully at him. Don't piss him off, Bone. thing you know he'll be building a highway right through your living room. Yolanda asks for Bone's blessing, and says if he gives it, they'll come home. Bone struggles for a while, but Yolanda gives up and turns off the feed. Not to make you feel worse here, but Yolanda's going to have another bone in her life in a couple of minutes. Just as well she cut off the signal.
Veronica's bedroom. Yolanda appears on Veronica's laptop. Veronica congratulates Yolanda on the marriage, and apologizes for not being a better friend. Yolanda graciously accepts, and says she would have handled the situation the same way in Veronica's position. The hugs and puppies are interrupted by a knock at the door. Veronica answers it, and her jaw drops. Behind a rather large flock of flying pigs is Logan. She asks what he's doing there. Logan: "I want you to find my mother." We go to closing credits before Veronica can reply, "Do you mind if I find mine first?"
time: Veronica and Keith are on opposite sides of a sexual misconduct case. One can only hope it doesn't involve the phrase "Who's your daddy?"