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So, like, you guys? Remember when Buffy died on the WB, and then she showed up on UPN the season? Well, imagine my surprise when Chloe from Smallville died (OR DID SHE?), and then she showed up on UPN the hour! Only she's calling herself Veronica Mars now, and I guess she's pissed off that the WB killed her, because she's kind of surly. Or maybe it's because her best friend got murdered and her mom took off and Enrico Colantoni is her dad, and he says "Who's your daddy?" to her in inappropriately unironic ways. Also, she used to be in the cool crowd, but then her sheriff dad biffed this murder investigation (OR DID HE?) and she got roofied and raped, which really isn't cool. So now her dad's just a PI, and she helps him in her spare time, of which there seems to be a lot. And she takes on the local authorities and the punk-ass rich kids and the town biker gang. And I totally thought I would hate her, but Iâ¦kind of don't at all, actually. The plotlines laid out in the episode are interesting, and could actually go somewhere. I'm willing to work with you, Veronica Mars. But could everyone stop calling you by your full name? Because that's just way too Joey Potter for me. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
One note before we get started for those of you who don't know me: the show is titled Veronica Mars, and it takes place in "Neptune, California." If you think I'm above making a multitude of jokes about Uranus...well, it's nice to finally meet you.
Fade up on a high-school parking lot. Cheerleaders. Expensive cars. A young female voice tells us that if you go to this school, "your parents are either millionaires or your parents work for millionaires." With all due respect, that's probably not true, but she's making a point here, so fine. I wouldn't want my entire relationship with this character to be based on nitpicking, anyway. (If you believe that: no, really! It's nice to meet you!) She adds that Neptune is a town without a middle class, and if you're one of the unprivileged many, you either get a normal job, "or you could be me. My after-school job means tailing philandering spouses or investigating false injury claims." The "me" in question is a girl whose flippy blonde hair and facial construction (as well as her penchant for investigation) beg for a comparison to Chloe Sullivan. Well, there's the comparison. Let's move on. The girl is obviously the titular Veronica Mars. Hee. "Titular." Oh, come on. Considering the only other role I've seen her in was the leaky-boobed cheerleader onEverwood (and yes, I know she was on Deadwood as well, but I never saw that show), at least my juvenile snickering is somewhat appropriate. (I make no promises for the Uranus references, though.) Anyway, there's a big crowd around the flagpole, and Veronica pushes her way through to discover that there's a teenaged boy, who just happens to be black, duct-taped to it. One girl in the crowd wonders why no one's cutting him down, and some guy says he doesn't want to be up there the day. Okay, seriously? I went to high school too, and I know all about peer pressure, but...a crowd this size and no one's helping this kid? Did I mention he's naked except for the duct tape around his waist? (Although I hope they left his underwear on underneath. I've heard of sensitive guys who wish they could experience the pain of giving birth, but trust me, no guy wants to experience the pain of a Brazilian bikini wax.) But beyond the peer pressure thing, having the black kid strung up in the courtyard isn't just a little much even for high school, and do you know how much money the school could get sued for over this? Well, there would be two types of parents in this school: this kid's parents, and those who work for this kid's parents. Anyway. Some asshole is taking his picture with the poor kid, but Veronica tells him to get out of the way as she pulls a small switchblade and cuts the kid down. The kid has "SNICH" written across his chest, by the way. Hee. It would have been awesome if the kid had been like, "Um, it's got a 'T' in it, dude." TWoP would probably hire him on the spot. ["If he put a '[sic]' after it, he'd probably get tenure." -- Wing Chun] Veronica breezily says he must be new, and welcomes him to Neptune High. As the bell rings, she sarcastically says to the crowd, "Go Pirates!" Hee. I already kind of...don't hate her. Believe me, that's a promising start.
Classroom. The teacher exposits that it's an AP class. Veronica is sound asleep. Hee. That was me in my 8 AM junior English class. When I went, which wasn't often. Sometimes I don't know how I got into college. The teacher asks if anyone did the reading, and no one responds, which...no. Not in an AP class. There's always someone. The teacher wakes up Veronica and says she's the teacher's volunteer. Despite the fact that she was just drooling onto her desk a second ago, Veronica manages to recite Epistle 1 of Pope's An Essay On Man. When asked for her interpretation of the poem, she smirks, "Life's a bitch, until you die." Pfft. Try recapping The Mountain, honey. Veronica looks away pensively as the teacher lectures that Pope believed that what keeps us going through life's defeats is our faith in a better life to come. So, in the first two minutes, the show has given us a relatively subtle and well-executed, as well as interesting, look at the dichotomous nature of the lead character's personality. You know, I just got cable last week in my new apartment, so I'm probably just mixed up here. For a minute, I actually thought this show was on UPN.
A Veronica Mars Voice-Over (VMVO) tells us that the school employs random locker searches, except that they're not really random, and she knows when they're going to happen before "Vice-Principal Clemens" does. In the hallway, Veronica turns the corner to find a security guard and, ostensibly, the aforementioned Vice-Principal. The guard greets her by her full name, which...bugs, because it makes me think of Joey Potter. At least "Veronica Mars" sounds cooler, though, and no one's going to call her "little Veronica Mars." No one who wants to live, anyway. The VP asks her to open her locker. As she works the combination, the guard's German shepherd barks, but she quiets him with a "Buster!" Hmm. She seems to be on top of how this school's run, that's for sure. She opens the locker to reveal...nothing, save a heart-shaped picture of the VP taped to the door. Ha! And on top of that, she deadpans, "Wow. This is a little embarrassing!" Okay, she's got me. I mean, it's still conditional, as we're only at the three-minute mark, but definitely pencil me in as a liker.
Veronica picks absently at her meatloaf. Hee. Meatloaf always reminds me of Sars. And rereading that Vegas entry just sent me into hysterics for like, five whole minutes, so forgive me if I'm a little distracted now. The camera's POV swirls around in fast motion until in rests on a table near Veronica. She tells us she used to sit at that table, although she didn't meet the "minimum net-worth requirement." Looking at these kids, the only way the word "worth" can come to mind is attached to the word "less." They get pizza delivered to their table, and one kid pays with a gold card. VMVO tells us that her father used to be the town sheriff, which had a "certain cachet," but the real reason she was allowed at that table was "Duncan Kane, son of software billionaire Jake Kane. He used to be my boyfriend."
We flash back in bluish streaky light to a long-haired Veronica pedemacking with Duncan, who's...not all that, really. The flashbacks are a little jarring, also, because Veronica looks much younger with the shorter hair. Then, in a different flashback: "With no warning, he ended things." We see him walk by her and totally blow her off.
Back in the present, we focus on another kid, and either the casting director, the actor, or both deserve kudos here, because I loathe this kid at first sight. I'd say I couldn't loathe him any more than I do now, but I've seen the episode, and I'd be lying. It definitely is going to help me understand the concept of infinity, though. VMVO tells us that his name is "Logan Echols," and that his dad makes $20 million a picture: "You probably own his action figure." I'm going to own his son's action figure, just as soon as I learn voodoo. Veronica gives him a look that could cut glass as she VOs that "every school has an obligatory psychotic jackass. He's ours." Veronica is trying to turn him into dust with her eyes so intently that she doesn't even notice that the "snich" has sat down at her table. He asks if she's okay. She snottily asks if she said he could sit there. Stung, he gets up to go, but she sort of apologizes, and he sits back down. He thanks her for what she did for him, but before we can get all mushy, a voice rings out, "My bitch!" The speaker is some guy who...well, let's just say that if Vin Diesel ever writes an autobiography, I know someone who's going to own an autographed first edition. At any price. (Incidentally, he's played by Francis Capra, who's descended in a direct line from Frank Capra. And some forum posters seem to think he's rather appealing.) Anyway, IHeartVinDiesel, who was the duct-taper, menaces the "snich" for a bit until Veronica tells him to back off. He swaggers, "The only time I care about what a woman has to say is when she's riding my big old hog." My guess is that she'd say something about you being "2Fast." Veronica, unfazed, throws sexual comments right back at him, which amuses him, but irks one of his henchDiesels, who might be a little overprotective, if you catch my drift. Anyway, the VP breaks this little party up. Alone again with the "snich," Veronica asks him what he did to piss off IHeartVinDiesel, whose name is apparently "Weevil," by the way. And here I thought I was bringing down his street cred by calling him "IHeartVinDiesel." Anyway, the "snich" was working at the "Sac-N-Pac," when some of the Diesels came in and stuffed a bunch of forties in their jackets. The "snich," whose name we learn is "Wallace," hit the silent alarm. The sheriff, who's just about as odious as the kid from earlier, arrived and detained the bikers. He asked Wallace if they paid, and Wallace totally lied and said they did and that he pushed the alarm by accident, but the sheriff grabbed the security tape and arrested the guys who were in the store anyway. He told Wallace, "You need to go see the wizard. Ask him for some guts." Er, okay. Veronica congratulates him on already managing to piss off the motorcycle gang and the sheriff. And your application for the Pete role is hereby accepted, Wallace. Just don't expect a lot of lines that aren't lifted from Laura Linney's role in The Truman Show.
Veronica enters the pool area in what looks to be a small apartment complex. She flashes back to Duncan in the pool, who tells her that their song is playing, which is "Just Another" by Pete Yorn (thanks to RubyRose for that one). It's a surprise party, for what I think was her sixteenth birthday, thrown by her mother and friends, including all the kids who were at the popular table. Her mother is played by Corinne Bohrer, who's one of those people who's been in tons of stuff, and whom you might remember recently as Rocky's mom onJoan of Arcadia. The only impression I really have of her is that she looks like a blonde Shelley Duvall. And nothing against Shelley Duvall as a person, but in fairness to Ms. Bohrer, I'm going to try to keep an open mind to thinking of her in some other way, because it's not really the most flattering description in the book. Anyway, Veronica's pulled out of the flashback by a black woman asking her to open the gate, since she's laden down with groceries. The song continues as we cut to Veronica opening her door and being happily greeted by a pit bull. Boy, I hope she introduces him to that Logan kid. "Chopper, sic balls!" Cut to the beach, where Veronica throws a tennis ball for the doggy. She sees Wallace flying a radio-controlled airplane. They tentatively wave at each other. Not exactly the end of Casablanca, but it's a start.
Veronica parks her car on what looks like the main drag. VMVO: "I was shocked to discover Celeste Kane's car outside Dad's office. Duncan's mom: She hates me almost as much as she adores her son." Yeah, I'm sensing Veronica's not exactly going to be prom queen this year, and if she is, it'll be in the Carrie way. Which...would be pretty cool, actually. Veronica enters the office, but no one's in the main room. No one, that is, until some dude comes sliding in on an oil slick. Caused by his hair. This scene's kind of boring, so here's the short version: Veronica helps her dad, who's now a PI, seemingly quite a lot. This dude, it would appear, is a sleazy lawyer who throws cases their way. He's got a client who dances at "The Seventh Veil" who was arrested for vandalism, and to get off, she's willing to rat out her employers regarding some illegality with their liquor license. He leaves, and the ostensible Celeste Kane immediately emerges from Veronica's dad's office, saying she doesn't like him or having to retain his services. Considering that she looks like a reject from Designing Women, I can't imagine he's too thrilled about it either. In any case, she says she knows he'll be dogged and resourceful, and adds, "I'll need it right away." She leaves. Veronica gives her dad a look of slight betrayal. Her dad, played by Enrico Colantoni, somewhat sheepishly tells her hello, and disappears back into his office. Veronica goes to the window and balefully looks at Celeste driving off. "Sure, she's a bitch. But can you blame her? After all, Dad did try to send her husband to jail for life." And not being able to hold a candle to Dixie Carter doesn't help either.
Veronica eats mac and cheese with her dad, which makes me like her even more. She wants to talk about the fact that Celeste Kane was there, but he ignores her, asking about school and waxing poetic about processed cheese. Sigh. You know, I'm sorry to have to say it, because I like this show so far and there's really very little that seriously rubs me the wrong way, but I really don't like Colantoni as her dad. More on that later. Anyway, Veronica manages finally to get the story, which is that she thinks Celeste's husband is seeing someone else, and he took the case because they need the money. Veronica's happy he did. A call comes in, which sends her dad off to Texas to try to catch some guy on the lam. Veronica tells him she'll take care of the travel arrangements, and he warns her not to do anything on the Kane case. She assures him that she won't, and he says he'll be back in one or two days. Moving in just a little too close for familial comfort, he tells her to bring backup when she works on the Kane case. Dude, if you're that concerned about backup, you might try, you know, backing up. That's your daughter there. Anyway, he leaves.
Veronica, in her car. VMVO tells us that she followed Jake Kane to his office, where "streaming video was invented and perfected." Boy, if that's true, it's a Jake Kane action figure I want. When the company went public, everyone in it became millionaires, even the secretaries: "He's beloved here. Half the people in this town owe their fortunes to him." Action figure. Seriously.
Flashback. Bring It On-style car wash, except without the shirtless guys. Boo. Long-haired Veronica hangs out with a pretty girl, who it turns out is her best friend Lily, who's also Duncan's sister. Grandmaster Melle Mel's "White Lines" plays, which seems incongruous at best, but maybe they know something I don't. Speaking of which, Lily happily tells Veronica she's got a secret, but they're told to get back to work before she can reveal what it is.
Cut to a flashback that evening, where Veronica tells us she was picking up dinner with her dad when they got a call that there was a "disturbance at the Kane estate." Veronica looks worried, and when she sees a somewhat catatonic-looking Duncan nearby, she gets out of the car despite the fact that her dad specifically told her not to. She goes over to him and asks him what happened, but it's like he doesn't even see her. When she asks where Lily is, though, his face starts to break, and the reason is that Lily is lying on the ground nearby to the pool. Laura Palmer lives again! Ooh, poor choice of words. Veronica's dad looks grief-stricken as the VMVO tells us that Lily's murder made the cover of People, and that the town was flooded with journalists. Veronica comes over to the body and loses it as VMVO tells us, "And of course, everyone remembers reading about the bungling local sheriff who went after the wrong man. That bungling sheriff was my dad." Yeah, that's kind of overkill for getting booted from the popular crowd. You could get booted from the leper crowd for that one. This does bring up a complaint, though, that I believe was mentioned on the forums: in an earlier flashback, Veronica told us that Duncan broke up with her with no warning, but given all the information about her dad, and assuming that the breakup happened afterward, as seems logical, the possibility of its happening had to have occurred to her. I mean, when you think people who seemingly wrongfully try to jail your dad for your sister's murder, it's not usually alongside the term "father-in-law." However, someone else on the forums suggested that Duncan broke up with Veronica before the murder. While I think there are a couple of points in the episode that contraindicate that, I wouldn't rule it out, and it would make the story more interesting in some ways, so I'm interested to find out one way or the other. But in the present, VMVO tells us that something's up with Jake Kane, as we see him go up to the second floor of a seedy-looking motel and enter one of the rooms. Veronica's parked way too obviously for a stakeout, it must be said.
VMVO continues into another flashback, as we learn that six weeks after Lily's death, someone in the sheriff's department leaked the crime-scene video. We see Lily lying dead-eyed with a big head wound, as VMVO tells us that thanks to streaming video, it was all over the internet within a day. Horrified, Veronica runs off, only to bump into Logan, who emotionally asks her if her dad still thinks Jake killed Lily. He exposits that Lily was his girlfriend, and tells her that her family is destroying the Kanes. Well, sorry about your girlfriend, dude, but life tried to teach you a character-building, if extremely tragic, lesson, and you responded by sweeping the Prick of the Year election in a landslide vote. I think I hate you even more now.
Cut to Veronica's parents fighting. Her dad's arguing that Jake Kane is guilty, but her mom doesn't seem to agree, what with the packing and all. VMVO tells us that an emergency recall vote removed her dad from the sheriff's office, and that her mom wanted to leave Neptune, but that her dad wouldn't have it. In flashback, Veronica calls her dad to the TV, and they see that some other dude was arrested for Lily's murder: a disgruntled employee of Jake Kane's who was fired during the development of streaming video. Well, if the secretaries became millionaires, I can only imagine that a software developer (as this guy was) stood to make quite a pretty penny. Given the murderous rages I feel when people bump into me on the sidewalk, I can buy missing out on a million billion dollars as motivation for revenge. Keith (that's Veronica's dad, by the way) looks deflated, and Veronica looks shattered. Aw.
Present. The bikers pull up to Veronica's car. She mutters that this can't be good. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. Weevil takes off his helmet and asks, "Car trouble, miss?" Veronica responds sassily, prompting one of the henchDiesels to rush at her, but the pit bull comes flying out of the back window. The possibly fruity member of the group comes rushing to Veronica's window to get her to call off the dog, but she zaps him with a stun gun. Hee. The first time I saw this scene, I thought it was too over the top, and it kind of is in a way, in that the character's still so new I'm not sure I'm completely ready to buy her pulling this off, but the saving grace is that it's funny, which is something that many shows that get described as "quirky" forget to be, and I'm thinking of a specific show when I say this. I'd name names, but it might be too soon. (Of course, judging from the Firefly fans, it might always be "too soon.") Also, it turns out that the dog's name is Backup, so that's the backup her father was talking about earlier, which is also pretty funny for a total throwaway joke. Once everyone's calmed down a little, Veronica offers Weevil a deal: he leaves Wallace alone for a week while she tries to help his boys beat their rap. If she fails, as Weevil puts it, "we come for you, your boy, and your little dog, too." I don't know what's up with all the Wizard Of Oz references, but I wouldn't be surprised if someone on the writing staff really likes poppies. Weevil spreads the sexual innuendo for not the first time this scene, and then he and his gang leave. VMVO muses that she's got quite the reputation. "You want to know how I lost my virginity? So do I." It's too bad we already used our "this can't be good" for this episode, because, well, this can't.
Flashback. VMVO tells her that she went to a party at a popular girl's house to show everyone that "their whispers and backstabbing didn't affect" her. Well, that's...kind of dumb. She admits that it was a mistake, as we see everyone looking at her like she's Typhoid Mary or something. The only person who looks conflicted is Duncan, but that could be because of the girl to him who's treating his neck like a salt lick. VMVO tells her that someone gave her a drink, and it turns out it was your basic "rum, coke, and roofie." Her vision goes blurry, and she staggers to a chaise longue and passes out. The music goes all breathy and weird. When she awakes, she's in a bed somewhere. She discovers her underwear lying on the floor. Well, I'm no PI, but I think I might have an idea of what happened. A tear rolls out of each of Veronica's eyes, and, as MANY people pointed out on the forums, the tears are coming from the wrong place in each of her eyes. And I'd laugh at you, but I read Encyclopedia Brown too, so I don't have a leg to stand on. Although there's one person who would be even less popular than Veronica Mars. What a fucking know-it-all. We see Veronica taking "the Walk of Shame...no, REALLY," as VMVO tells us that she never told her dad what happened. Um, yeah, I could see that.
Back in the present, Jake Kane comes out of the motel room. He lingers at the door long enough for us to see that there's someone else in there, but we only see her hand (or his hand, I suppose, but it looks like a woman's, anyway. Once you've been to enough gay bars, you learn to develop a discerning eye.)
God, this Taye Diggs show looks crappy. Couldn't they find a better way to showcase the fact that he's hot?
School parking lot. Veronica's walking when Logan pulls up to her. He calls her "Ronnie, " invites her to go surfing with them, and just acts like an unctuous, odious ass. When he taunts her about her mother, though, Duncan, who's to him, tells him to stop. They drive off as VMVO tells us, "It's been eight months since I've seen my mother." Someone on the forums made the point that everything has happened to this girl, and it's just a lot to take. I sort of agree that the ballast of the backstory threatens to drag the episode down, but on the other hand, it seems like the series is going mostly to be about the backstory, at least for a while. I'll be annoyed if they lay all this out and then go nowhere with it -- like if they don't devote an arc to finding out who raped her, for instance. But for now, I can live with it, especially since Veronica never presents these events like she's begging for sympathy. Anyway, VMVO tells us that a month after Keith lost his job, her mom split, leaving just a unicorn music box and a note saying she'd be back for her some day. So that means it's been less than a year since Lily's murder. Veronica angrily throws them both into the wastebasket, which again, I like -- she's not all woe-is-me about it. She's mad, as she should be, because her mom? Kind of sucks.
School. Veronica sits down with Wallace. He's all, "Girl, you should hear what people say about you." She points out that he's welcome to leave, but he smiles that instead of hanging out with the people who laughed at him when he was tied up, he'd rather hang out with the girl who cut him down. That's a sweet sentiment, and completely untainted by the fact that no one else in the school would spit on him if his hair were on fire. She asks if he wants to get Vin and the Diesels off his ass. That'd be a yes.
Cut to Veronica asking some stoner dork, "Corny," for a favor. Granted. Then she's telling us she's downloading some photos from the motel, which...I don't really mind the voice-overs per se -- a lot of them are necessary, both because of the genre of the show and the fact that it's an especially exposition-heavy pilot -- but I would really prefer them to exercise extreme diligence in determining their necessity on a case-by-case basis. To say the same thing with five times fewer words: if it's happening on screen, shut up about it. Anyway, Veronica's got a bunch of pictures tacked up that make it look suspiciously like she's got a Wall of Weird, but that's the last Chloe comparison I'm going to make. Even if her hair is super-flippy in this scene. Also, as mentioned in the forums, she's got a pretty sweet Powerbook on her desk there, so apparently the people who "work for millionaires" are allowed a few status symbols themselves. She prints out a picture of Jake Kane and pins it to the Wall. Of Normal.
Veronica's studying when her dad arrives home. She asks him how it went. He plays all grim for a moment, but then is all, "Who's your daddy?" Veronica: "I hate it when you say that." I'm glad my faith in her was justified. I couldn't hate that expression more if it slapped my mother. He weirdly and randomly goes off on this speech about how he used to be cool and BOC and a Trans Am and oh, wait, that was a Bruce Springsteen song, and y'all? This is the bad kind of "quirky." Anyway, Keith nabbed the bail-jumper he was after and scored $2500 as a result, he does an annoying dance and says they're going to eat "like the lower-middle class to which [they] aspire." Blech. I don't know. As I sort of alluded to before, I like that the overall tone of the show, as well as Veronica's character, is hard-edged and not overly emotional, so to see Colantoni hamming it up at every opportunity is just incongruous and weird and detracts from my viewing enjoyment. (Of course, just being familiar with any sort of "viewing enjoyment" these days is nice. Because...did I mention The Mountain?)
Keith grills two large, juicy steaks out by the pool. Mmm, steak. BOC's "Don't Fear The Reaper" plays. I wanted to avoid making the obvious "more cowbell" joke, but with the steaks on the grill and the fact that at the beginning of the recap I proudly declared my intention to make as many Uranus jokes as I could, I guess I can't. So: more cowbell! Veronica tells Keith about Jake's visit to the motel, and shows him pictures of license plates she wants him to run in an effort to discover the identity of the woman in the motel. Her dad looks at the pictures, and his face noticeably tightens as he crumples them up and throws them on the floor. He tells Veronica to stay away from Jake Kane, and that they're dropping the case. She protests, but he's not having it, and walks off. Nice to leave the photos there for her to pick up, Mr. Investigator.
VMVO tells us she had another case to occupy her, as we see she's staking out The Seventh Veil. Dude, seven veils are a lot. Are straight guys really that patient? (It's a joke. Don't e-mail me about Salome, please.) Anyway, VMVO tells us stuff we already knew about the Seventh Veil (and this is what I'm talking about with the voice-overs, people) and starts filming what she calls "Phase One of my plan to save Wallace."
Cut to school for Phase Two. VP Travers and the security guard from before are conducting a "random" search of Logan's locker. Veronica and Wallace observe from around a corner. Inside, Travers finds a bong in what looks like the shape of the Venus de Milo. Hee. "Precious Venus," indeed. Logan sees Veronica and figures out what happened as people laugh at him. He gets in her face, and she fake-yawns at him. Word, Mars. He's led away as Corny appears. Not clear if he planted the bong, arranged the search, or both, but who really cares.
VMVO tells us that she drove Wallace to the sheriff's department for Phase Three. Considering that we see them in the car outside the sheriff's department...well, I hate to have to say it, but shut up, VMVO. Anyway, Wallace takes out what I'm assuming is the radio control for his plane, and operates a control, which causes something in the bong, which is inside an evidence locker or something in the sheriff's department, to ignite. It sets off the smoke alarm, causing a somewhat hysterical woman to babble in German that there's a fire. Now, tell me the truth. If you just read those last couple of sentences, would you think I was recapping Veronica Mars or Monty Python's Flying Circus? Anyway, a fire truck shows up, to Veronica's and Wallace's delight.
Fire house. Veronica asks some dude if the Chief is around. Said chief appears, greeting her as "Smokey the Barely Legal." Hee. She asks him if he made the switch, and he hands her an envelope with a "fait accompli." Oh, come on. A fireman who knows French. Like I'm going to fall for that. Just excuse me for a second while I get some water.
VMVO...okay, seriously? We can figure out that your dad still has friends in high places for ourselves. Enough already. Veronica pulls up a license plate from a motel picture and picks up the phone. She fakes being "Inga," who must be the German woman from the sheriff's office, and tells a "Tony" that their computer system is down, and asks him to run a plate for her. He does, and reports that it belongs to one "Leanne Mars." Oy. Take your unicorn music box and stick it where the sun don't shine, bitch.
Sometime later, Keith comes out of his office and asks Veronica if she wants to go to a movie. Veronica pointedly asks him to explain again why they're dropping the Kane case. He tells her that he ran the plates, and that it's corporate espionage stuff, which is too dangerous for them. Veronica looks crushed. She declines the movie, and bustles out. It's rough when your parents are two entirely different kinds of lying scumbags.
Veronica goes to see Inga, who warmly greets her. Inga says, "I haven't seen you since...since...." Since you last stuffed your clog all the way down into your throat? Veronica graciously agrees that it's been a while, and asks where a certain case is being held. After she learns the answer, she turns to go. VMVO: "The last time I was here? Come on, Inga. That's easy."
We return to the flashback from earlier, as Veronica finishes up the Marathon of Shame. When Inga sees her, she concernedly asks her what happened. Veronica says she needs to report a crime. Cut to the sheriff from earlier, who sneers that he doesn't have a shred of evidence to arrest anyone, "but that really doesn't matter to your family now, does it?" He makes fun of her for crying (although that could be because she's crying from the wrong place again), and tells her to go see the wizard as well. Okay, we already knew that this guy is the jerkiest jerk in Jerkopolis, so I'm not going to waste time lambasting him for treating the victim like a criminal. Nor am I going to make a big deal out of the weird Wizard of Oz references, because despite Lily's murder, this is not Twin Peaks, and I would like the owls to be what they seem. However, I have heard, and correct me if I'm wrong, in cases of rape that involve penetration, and it is heavily implied that this is one of those, there's a little factor called "DNA evidence" that can be used to solve them. Now, if he were to tell me that that's not possible in this case for whatever reason, I'd let it go. But since he didn't, I'm going to bring West Side Story into the age of Six Feet Under and say: "Hey, Officer Fuckface, FUCK YOU!" Really.
Courtroom. Officer Fuckface is telling the court that the two bikers had about twenty bottles in their coats (ten forties each? I don't think so, asshole) and although they claim they paid, it's all on the security tape. He pauses a moment when Veronica enters the courtroom and takes a seat. Someone else from the sheriff's department cues up the tape, but instead of the one they expected, it's a tape showing how The Seventh Veil keeps its liquor license. And I could be coy about it, but seriously, you know me by now. So basically? It's blowjobs. Lots and lots of blowjobs. For officers, by strippers. In squad cars. Yeah. The judge is less than impressed, and the sleazy defense attorney who gave Veronica the tip asks for a dismissal. Veronica gives Officer Fuckface a finger-gun, which I normally hate, but he really deserved it, so I can live with it. She leaves, and Officer Fuckface looks steamed. Ha.
Beach. Veronica pulls up in her convertible, which I also could point out doesn't look all that shabby to me. Wallace is flying his plane. She goes over and gives him the security tape, and he's thrilled and thanks her. She says she had her own reasons for doing it, but he tells her she can't get away with that, and says that underneath her "angry young woman show, there's a slightly less angry young woman who's just dying to bake me something. You're a marshmallow, Veronica Mars!" Hmm. That's the first time I've ever seen someone beg for baked goods while making a friend. I guess he's a little young to be carb-conscious, though. Veronica smiles in spite of herself, and I really think Kristen Bell can handle this role.
Cut to Veronica piloting the plane. She asks how to make it loop-the-loop, but Wallace's attention is on something else. They walk over to Veronica's car, upon and around which are Logan and a few goons. He asks if she knows what her little stunt cost him. When she sasses him, he takes a tire iron and breaks one of her headlights. She flinches, which is nice, because I wouldn't buy her as so hard-boiled that she could endure that completely impassively. He tells her that it cost him his car. "My daddy took my T-Bird away." Oh, don't say it. "And you know what I won't be having?" No, seriously, don't say it. "Fun, fun, fun." Oh, my God, he said it. The Beach Boys are now looking forward to dying, just so they can spin in their graves. One of the goons -- who's totally the Rancho Carne quarterback from Bring It On -- gets Logan's attention, as the bikers are approaching.
Weevil dismounts and informs Logan that the only vandalism that happens in this town goes through him. I should point out, as the faithful forum-dwellers have noted, that if the rich kids are that rich, they would probably go to private school instead of one where they could be harassed by Vin and the Diesels. On the other hand, I will also say that Francis Capra is doing way more with this role than I would have expected. He's got an odd mix of grandeur and humor. In short, it's a lot more than you would expect from a guy named "Weevil." Also, I like that there's not a clear good vs. evil vibe with this show. Instead it tells the truth, which is this: Everyone in high school sucks. The possibly fruity biker -- who I think is going to be a recurring character, so I should tell you that his name is Felix -- takes out a CD from the rich kids' car and makes a big show about the fact that it's O-Town. Hee, because bashing O-Town is funny, but the general joke was a lot better in Harold And Kumar Go To White Castle, which is the funniest fucking movie I've seen in a long time. Wallace references The Outsiders, and Veronica tells him, "Be cool, Sodapop." God, I read that book so many times. Stay gold, Rob Lowe. Stay gold...oh, right, you have. (Of course, I haven't seen dr. vegas.) Anyway, despite Rancho Carne's claim that the car is his mom's, Weevil takes the tire iron and dents it up nice and good. He tells the rich kids to take off, except for Logan, whom he instructs to apologize to Veronica. Logan sasses him instead, and gets punched twice for his efforts, rather nastily in the face the second time. Veronica doesn't look entirely pleased, although she doesn't look entirely displeased, either. She tells Weevil to let him go, since she doesn't want his apology anyway. Well, neither do I, but I wouldn't mind seeing a black eye or two. The rich kids leave, and as they go, it looks like Logan's checking out his bloody nose in the vanity mirror. Hee. Tool. Weevil informs Veronica that the security tape disappeared, and then easily and naturally hits on her. These two do have good chemistry -- I think the show could make a pairing between them work, if not for the long haul. I mean, no girl writes "Mrs. Weevil" in her dream journal, no matter how unpopular she is. Veronica makes Weevil apologize to Wallace, and then they totally leave with the tape anyway. Eh, don't overplay your hand, kids.
Veronica drives at night. VMVO tells us that she's learned that people you love let you down. She stakes out her father's office, and sees him drive off. Okay, she needs to work on the stakeout skills. I mean, now the top of her convertible is open. She's visible from space. When her father's gone, she goes into the office. VMVO tells us that her father doesn't know she knows the combination to the safe, but she does. Inside, she finds a very-not-closed Lily Kane murder file. "The confessed killer is already on Death Row, but Dad still hasn't given up on the case." She finds her surveillance photo that her dad had crumpled up. "Why did dad lie to me?" Well, you can ask him, because he's just returned to the office, which is weird, because he just left. He tells her that he rented the South Park movie, which she exposits is her favorite. Since this show's on Wing's team, I guess I have to watch the "Blame Canada" jokes. He says "Who's your daddy?" again, although in a far less annoying tone than earlier, and after a momentary hesitation, she smiles and says, "You are." She says she has to make a stop, but that she'll meet him at home. They get a little too close, again, and then she kisses him and leaves. Keith goes to the desk and picks up a unicorn music box, which I guess is the one Veronica's mom left her, although it's not clear who retrieved it, in that case. VMVO says that maybe her dad's trying to protect her, but that she's got too many questions to sit still and do nothing. She goes to the motel and knocks on the door of the room that Jake Kane was in. VMVO promises that she'll find out the truth, and bring her family back together. "I'm sorry, is that mushy? Well, you know what they say: Veronica Mars, she's a marshmallow." And she's a pretty damn good fledgling show.
week: Paris Hilton. I'd object, but we need the ratings any way we can get them. Don't worry, I won't pull any punches. Just call me Shannen Doherty.