And The Black Guy Always Dies

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"Dead Man On Campus" might be the strongest episode of season five so far… or perhaps I'm really tired and the pretty people on my screen comfort me. Whatever. It works. The pacing is great, the WTF moments are epic and everyone looks fantastic.

You can take the girls out of Mystic Falls, but you can't take Mystic Falls out of the girls; so this week, Elena and Caroline host a dorm party in celebration of Bonnie -- their once-dead-witch-turned-corporeal-ghost, Other-Side-anchoring friend. Jesse breaks free of Dr. Maxfield's mad lab in order to attend, and shares some sexy dancing and smoochies with Caroline, but since he's been dosed with the blood of the Augustine vampire, Jesse is hungry for blood -- but not human blood -- blood of the vampiric variety.

After Jesse accidentally bites Caroline's lip and realizes he wants to gobble her up, he high-tails it back to Maxfield's lab to ask what the bad doctor did to him. The problem is, Damon is already there and is injecting Maxfield with every manner of pathogen in order to get him to 'fess up to his nefarious schemes.

When Damon and Jesse tussle, Damon is already bleeding. The aroma gets Jesse all hot and bothered, because -- well, Damon is nothing if not magically delicious. In the end, Elena has to stake Jesse to save Damon's life and Caroline is none too pleased.

Once Damon is alone again with Maxfield, he learns the doctor's experiments tie into the Augustine Vampire (a vampire bred to feed on vampires rather than humans). The problem is, Damon was one of these lab rats not 60 years ago. He realizes that despite Elena's previously stated request that Damon not kill Aaron's guardian, Maxfield needs nothing more than a good killing.

There's a second problem and that problem is this: Maxfield breaks free of his bonds before Damon can get to killing him and he then deploys atomized vervain into the lab. Damon succumbs. Maxfield locks him up. Damon wakes in the same cell he once occupied in 1953, which we can tell by the huge "DS 53" inscription he once carved into the wall.

Meanwhile, back in Mystic Falls, Katherine uses Nadia and that mysterious dagger, to free my Pudding Pop, Matt, from Gregor -- who has been occupying the holy place that is Matt's body. I owe you one for that, Kiki.

Nadia, who had a thing for Gregor (even though he was using her to get to and kill not only Silas, but also Katherine), stomps off in a fit of pique. Katherine is suicidal -- not because of Nadia's snit, but because she's aging and dying at an accelerated rate. Since earlier in the evening, Katherine saved Stefan from his PTSD, Stefan saves Katherine from jumping off the clock tower and killing herself. Love is a many splendored thing and it looks like we might get some of the Katherine/Stefan variety. I just hope their dates involve watching Back to the Future.

In other news, Bonnie has a stunning new haircut -- a bob. She also has sexy fun times with Jeremy, but only after suffering while she serves as the passageway to the Other Side for both a random dead witch and poor, dearly departed Jesse. Bonnie could have warned a brother it's not safe for his kind in these here parts. Seriously, Show. You still need to do way better on this front. My headline, "And The Black Guy Always Dies," is from a viewer who made it up LAST SEASON, because you play into this evil trope every damned time.

I'll be back with the recap, ASAP. In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page, and then come on over to the forum, where we're injecting Maxfield with necrotizing fasciitis, just because we can.

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We open in Dr. Maxfield's lab at the Magically Moving Whitmore College. He's again dictating into his handheld tape recorder, but I've come to think of it as exposition machine and hence, I've come to resent the hell out of it. If you've been reading regularly, you know that I've been enjoying this season until I have to pay recap-level attention. This week, I'm going to try not to. No, I'm not sure how that will work out either, but let's give it a whirl, because right now I'm imagining that little Davina over on The Originals actually does figure out a way to kill Klaus. That means in the process, she'd knock off Mystic Falls entire vampire population. Just the mental picture prompts a smile is so bright, I ought to be in a Colgate commercial.

Maxfield says the subject (Jesse) has transformed from human to vampire in approximately 14 days. I'm not sure what that means anymore. I seem to recall that if you die with vampire blood in your system, you will awake as a transitioning vampire. You then have to consume blood in order to complete that transition. If you don't do so within 24 hours or so, you will die. When Maxfield hooks Jesse up with an intravenous dose of what he exposits is "undiluted Augustine blood," the camera pauses long enough for Maxfield to make mad scientist eyes at us. Maxfield predicts a positive response to it, but he's not only wrong… he's also nearly lunch. As Jesse strains against his bonds, Maxfield stops the transfusion, but by then Jesse is strong enough to break free so he just grabs the bag and sucks it down. Maxfield dictates that he's activating emergency procedures, but Jesse stands between him and the red button the bad doctor needs to press. The feed comes upon Jesse hard and fast. Grabbing his tormenter by the arms, Jesse sinks his fangs into Maxfield's neck. Title card.

Bonnie, who is sporting a fantastic new bob, has moved into Caroline and Elena's dorm room. It seems a little late in the semester for that, if you ask me, but then since her roommates have the power of compulsion, perhaps her late entry is our clue that the Admissions Office isn't part of the Initiative Secret Society at Whitmore that knows all about vampires. She's recording a video greeting for her mother, when Caroline and Elena return with far too much booze. Just because they're no longer in Mystic Falls doesn't mean that our girls can go without an Event O' the Week. This week's Event is meant to welcome Bonnie to Whitmore.

Once Elena and Caroline tease Bonnie about all the stuff she didn't tell her mother (like her death and witch power-free corporeal ghost resurrection, as well as her Other Side anchor status), Bonnie admits she left out the details, but she'll explain things to her mother when she visits. Given Abby's history of abandoning her daughter, Bonnie might never have to say another word on the subject.

Looking over all the booze her friends have purchased, Bonnie asks just how big the party is going to be, but I have a more important question: How great does Kat Graham look in those short shorts? Baby got back and American thighs. You can tell she's a dancer. Her legs look strong. I love it. I have to say, I give this show a lot of guff for a lot of things, but its actresses don't generally look like they're starring in a Karen Carpenter biopic. I appreciate that, Show. Anyhow, there's party talk, and Caroline and Elena expect it will be massive, until they remember they've each only made one friend at school (Caroline/Jesse and Elena/Aaron). Don't worry, ladies. Just have John Locke turn the frozen donkey wheel and move the college a little closer to Mystic Falls so you can invite the other four or five living-ish people whose existence you deign to notice on a regular basis. I'm pretty sure Damon has Locke's number in his contacts.

When Caroline exposits (I'll spare you) about the Vampire-hating Secret Society, Bonnie says, "Augustine, right?" She kept up on them from the Other Side and knows about the cover-up of Megan's death, as well as Maxfield telling Elena they'd better drop out and move home. Elena and Caroline don't care if the Augustine Society wants them gone -- they're staying and having jello shots, damn it. Bonnie checks her phone and lies that she has to register for classes. Her roomies pretend to buy that, but then turn their backs to her. Caroline pretends to make out with a sleeve of Solo cups, while Elena crosses her arms and grabs her own back, to make it look like she's making out with someone. Bonnie cringes, laughs and rushes out.

The time we see our witch's ghost, she's sitting on a quad bench, making out with Jeremy. When Bonnie tells him about Elena and Caroline's teasing, Jeremy suggests they head back to his place. Oh, maybe Damon and Locke already moved the college this week. Bonnie laughs at Jeremy's suggestion -- but not because Mystic Falls is a "few hours" away. "You mean Damon's house? While we're at it, why don't we just have sex in his bathtub?" Well, it is a great tub. Just looking at it has been known to make women amorous. Bonnie adds, "Maybe Katherine could watch." They smooch some more and I've got to say I don't sense the chemistry void some of our members are bemoaning. I think Bonnie and the Germ are cute together. He at least has the good sense to compliment her new hairdo.

The bench antics come to an abrupt end when Bonnie spies an out-of-place old woman, across the quad. Interestingly, when we look at the quad from Jeremy's point of view, she's not there. He knows something's up, though, and asks Bonnie if she's okay. She lies that she is and rushes off to class, promising to see him tonight. I wonder if he'll travel the few hours back to Mystic Falls, then the few hours back to Whitmore for the party and then the few hours back to Mystic Falls yet again before the day is through. I know, I've got to let this go, but it's just such a rookie mistake that shouldn't be happening on a show in its fifth season. They knew damn well how often they were going to have the characters travel back and forth before word one of the season premiere was scripted.

Anyhow, Bonnie's glorious gams carry her across the quad and toward a somewhat more remote area; at least it's out of Jeremy's eyesight. Bonnie checks over her shoulder to see if she's alone, but when she turns forward again, she's confronted by the old lady who grabs Bonnie's arm and says, "I'm ready." As the woman disappears, Bonnie doubles over and screams in pain.

Meanwhile, Elena is out on the quad now, too. She's on the phone with Damon begging him to come to the party since he had such a "big part" in bringing back her Bonnie to her, to her. When Elena spies Aaron, she asks Damon to wait and runs over to the boy, leaving Damon on the other end of the phone asking, "Who's Aaron?" Elena gives Aaron a flyer for the Bonnie bash, but he's not interested. Elena says she knows he likes to push people away. He wonders how she knows that. Elena says, "Because you told me at the costume ball." Oops. She compelled that conversation out of his head, so now she has to compel this one out, too. I'm not sure if her compulsion extends to her reiterated party invitation, but given the insistent way she words it, I'm going to decide that it does.

Once Aaron is gone, Damon tells Elena that was an embarrassingly close call. "Maybe I should be there so you don't spill all of our secrets and make out with the moody mystery guy." His tone is teasing and light, not jealous and crazy. Still, Elena insists the only moody mystery guy she wants to make out with is Damon. I guess this is one of the two seconds this season she's forgotten about Stefan. Ah, I spoke to soon, because Elena adds, "Oh, speaking of which, invite Stefan." Damon wonders if she's speaking of moody or making out. Elena looks like she can't decide, which of course has been the plot for the last 4+ seasons. It doesn't matter. Damon says, "He won't show. His memory's back and he remembers he hates us." Still, Elena asks Damon to try to get him there. "I brought bourbon so he can just get drunk and hate us from afar." Damon says he'll relay the message.

He finds Stefan sitting alone in front of the fireplace. He babbles about the party, but Stefan is too busy having a PTSD inspired panic attack as he flashes back on his summer of drowning. He lies that he's okay, but Damon notes that his fingertips have punctured the arms of his favorite reading chair. Stefan just mumbles that he's not up for a party and leaves. We cut to the...

Mystic Grill. Katherine's begging "Matty Blue Blue" for another drink. It's a cute name, but it's no Pudding Pop. It seems Matt has shut her off because she's drunk and scaring the other customers. He's preoccupied with a video he's watching on his product placement phone. Katherine recognizes the language as Czech, so Matt tells her if she'll translate, he'll let her drink. He tells her about meeting a girl in Prague, and how her boyfriend "...put some spirit thing in my head." Katherine watches the video and says, "Oh, dear. This is bad. [...] Some guy named Kristof, has activated you." Wasn't it Gregor? Is it Gregor Kristof or is there another guy we don't know (or I can't remember) named Kristof. Help! Matt doesn't care about all that. He just wants to know what the she means by "activated." Katherine explains "he" (Kristof, Gregor, Gregor Kristof) is a Traveler, and by Traveler she and this show mean a faction of witches who are big on spirit possession. Matt wants to know how he can rid himself of it. Katherine says, "That girl who followed you back from Prague -- was she um... I don't know... feisty, little accent, ridiculously beautiful." Matt says, "Pretty much, yeah. Her name was Nadia." I know that girl. She's in the TJ Maxx/Marshalls/HomeGoods commercials. Katherine blinks like any other mother who is feeling all my kid did what?! Matt asks, "Why, do you know her?" Katherine says, "You could say that," and clears her throat. We cut to...

Magically Moving Whitmore College. Elena and Caroline prepare the common room for their Event O' the Week. Caroline makes no bones about her lack of desire for Damon to attend. Thankfully, her snit is short-circuited by a call from Jesse. He needs her help, so he begs Caroline to come to his room before his roommate gets home. Caroline hustles off without saying word one to Elena.

Back at Jesse's dorm, his roommate gets home before Caroline arrives and that roommate is Aaron. Didn't Dr. Maxfield make a show of confiscating Aaron's keys after the Whitmore Collection Costume Ball Event O' the Week/Halloween Extravaganza? I'd check the recap, but if the writers can't be bothered to check their show Bible from this season, why should I? Anyhow, Jesse is chowing down on Aaron when Caroline enters. She pushes them apart and pushes Jesse up against the wall, then gets a load of the blood running down his chin. "Who the hell turned you into a vampire?" Commercial.

After the break, Jesse tells Caroline how Dr. Wesley Maxfield treated him like a lab rat for two weeks. I know it's awkward that I've written out his whole name like that, but while I always refer to the doctor as Maxfield, the characters are starting to call him Wes, so I just want to keep everyone apprised. Anyhow, Jesse is worried about what to tell his parents. Caroline, being the most well-adjusted vampire on earth, assures him they can smooth everything over. Jesse can't get over his hunger. Fortunately, he doesn't have to. Elena arrives with a cooler full of blood bags. Jesse is understandably taken aback that she too is a vampire. When he frets, Elena tells him the first thing he needs to learn is that being a vampire is awesome. And she says it with such a bright smile, I wonder for a second if she's Katherine. I mean, this is the girl who cried and puked through not just her transition, but nearly an entire season. Whatever, I'm glad to see the grin. When Elena goes to heal Aaron, Caroline suggests they let Jesse do that. I'm thinking that's not the best idea, since he's full of Augustine vampire blood, but the girls don't really know about that yet and Jesse is a newbie… so what can you do? I will note Aaron drinks Jesse's blood more eagerly than any human-needing-healing that I can remember on this show. I don't know if this is simply a directorial choice, but I'm mentioning it, in case it (or Aaron) comes back to bite us later this season. Caroline suggests they now teach Jesse about compulsion and we cut to the...

Mystic Grill. Stefan is sitting alone when Katherine wanders over with two glasses and a bottle of pilfered booze. Stefan tries to beat a hasty retreat, but Katherine begs him to stay. She's had a bad year and needs a friendly face. He'll grant her one pity drink. Katherine says, "See? The universe at work." Oh God, I hope Damon isn't lurking or he'll get all pouty. Katherine continues: "I don't know if you knew this, but our doppelgänger stars are fated to be together, so like it or not you're going to end up with someone who looks like me, although the universe seems to have all of its eggs in the Elena basket, but at this point I don't really blame it." And I thought my proclivity for run-on sentences was shameful. Still, is it just me or did Katherine just ironically declare she and Stefan should be endgame in a way that might just be a spoiler in plain sight?

After Katherine pounds a shot, Stefan asks what's wrong with her. Katherine rattles off a list of old-age complaints without identifying them as such and then says that's enough about her. Wow. I didn't know she knew that was a thing. Maybe she can share with Elena. At any rate, Stefan was sitting alone so he could avoid talking and I hear ya, brother. Katherine says since she's wasted and won't remember she's all ears. Stefan blahs about how killing Silas didn't let him move on with his life. Then he bitches about the PTSD flashbacks to the summer of drowning. Katherine plays armchair (or bar stool) psychologist, tells Stefan his life now needs purpose and suggest that purpose can be found in doing her a favor. Then we have to listen to Katherine blah about all the post-traumatic stress she's had in her five centuries. Failing to reach Stefan she eventually swans off, but Stefan grabs her by the wrist and asks what she needs. Before Kiki can answer, Nadia arrives and approaches Katherine. "I thought you never wanted to see me again. Why'd you call me?" Katherine introduces her as, "...Nadia Petrova. My daughter." We jump to...

Magically Moving Whitmore College. It's night. We're at the party and Bonnie is dancing with Jesse. She's apparently already told him her mother is also a vampire. "Long story. She's surviving fine. You'll be great." But if you have a kid, he or she will probably grow up feeling completely abandoned. He can't help but notice that she keeps scanning the room and wonders if she's looking for her boyfriend or friend with benefits. Bonnie admits she's looking for her best friend's little brother who is still in high school. "And I think I'm totally in love with him." Aww. That should end well.

Across the room, Caroline and Elena catch up on Jesse's progress. Caroline's teaching him to sublimate his hunger via boozing. Elena says she sent Damon to question Wes. Caroline says, "You realize Damon is going to kill Wes, right?" Elena says he's just getting information. Caroline: "You realize that you're wrong, right?" Elena says she knows Caroline isn't crazy about her being with Damon. Caroline says she's fine with them being together, "...as long as you can acknowledge the kind of person you are together with." Elena's too compassionate to say, "You mean the kind of person who wiped out a coven of witches without blinking an eye?" We cut to...

Maxfield's lab. Damon has strapped Wes to a table. He takes out a tray full of test tubes that contain luscious diseases such as necrotizing fasciitis, which I can't spell to save my life. Our Evil Pixie Monster plans to inject Wes full of grossness. If the doctor talks, Damon will give him, "...some of my delicious vampire blood, and we'll heal you right on up. If you don't answer me correctly, we're just going to have to see how much flesh these little guys can eat." While Damon administers the injection, sweat pours off of Wes. Commercial.

After the break, we return to the kitchen at the Mystic Grill. Alone with Katherine and Nadia, Stefan asks, "Just out of morbid curiosity, which one of is younger." As expected, the mother-daughter duo simultaneously answers, "I am." Matt enters with the knife Gregor entrusted to him. "Now what are we doing in here?" Katherine shows Matt to his seat and gives Nadia the high sign. Nadia calls forth Gregor. There's some back and forth, but finally he admits that while he did come to town to get Silas, he is also there to do the Travelers bidding in re-killing Katherine. Nadia is all, "You used me?" Don't worry, Nini: Kiki is here. In the course of conversation, Katherine reveals her (Katherine's) father was a no good Traveler, so she knows a thing or two. She stabs Gregor-Matt, but tells Stefan not to worry. It's a special knife that will drive Gregor's spirit out of Matt, without offing my Pudding Pop. "There's a reason why he wanted this knife so badly. It's the only thing that will truly kill a passenger." Nadia glares at Katherine and I really don't get it, since just seconds ago she learned Gregor was using her to kill her long sought-after mother. We jump back to...

Maxfield's lab. Damon berates Maxfield for turning a kid (i.e. Jesse) into a vampire. "What is it about this place that turns people into mad scientists?" Oh, maybe it's magical, variable proximity to Mystic Falls. Maxfield blahs about the necessity of human trials, the greater good and whatever. Damon asks what Maxfield's greater good is, and then injects him with rabies. We cut back to the...

Party. Bonnie is smiling and having fun, until she's not. Before she sees her, she senses the spirit of the old woman (TOW), who just today used her as her bridge to the other side. As Bonnie approaches TOW, it's clear they're both in another dimension even though they can see the party all about them. TOW asks if she's on the Other Side. Bonnie confirms that and wonders what TOW is that she landed on the Other Side. TOW says she was a witch. "What are you?" Bonnie answers, "The anchor to the Other Side. Every supernatural being who dies passes through me." When TOW suggests that doesn't sound like much fun, Bonnie says it's better than being dead, then realizes her gaffe and apologizes for it. TOW laughs it off. "It's okay, honey. Dying wasn't fun, but then you felt my pain so I guess you know that. Sorry. But you know what? The pain's gone now. And seeing a friendly face over here certainly doesn't hurt." They share a moment, but TOW vanishes as Jeremy arrives and grabs Bonnie's shoulder. He doesn't seem to see TOW this time, either, which makes no sense to me. People on the forum have suggested that Jeremy only sees people with whom he has a connection. That rings a bell and since I cannot stand to re-watch Season 4 and confirm, I'll buy that. Jeremy tells Bonnie she needs to come with him. When she asks where, he throws out the excuse she gave to Caroline and Elena, this morn. "To register for classes." Aww.

Caroline is getting her dance (and pre-sex) on with Jesse. There's blah about the heightened sensations a vampire feels. We cut to...

Maxfield's lab. When Damon declares rabies a bust and looks for a more immediate contagion, Maxfield spurts out some answers. He wanted to turn Jesse into a new kind of vampire. When he stops spurting, Damon prepares to load some Ebola into his syringe, which again loosens Maxfield's tongue. "Your kind is dangerous to humans [...] because we're your food source. I want to change that." We cut back to the...

Party. Jesse hesitates to kiss Caroline, so she just dives in. We cut back to the...

Lab. Maxfield says if vampires don't have to feed on humans they won't be a threat. When Damon can't buy it, Maxfield expounds, "Human blood will only satiate Jesse, temporarily -- until he gets a taste of what he really craves." Damon would sure like to know what that is. We cut back to the...

Party. Jesse kisses Caroline's neck. He breaks into game face, but pushes it back down. Caroline kisses him full on the mouth. When he accidentally bites her lip, she pulls back with an, "Ow! You bit me." Jesse turns away from her. His game face re-emerges. She asks if he's okay. He gets it under control and tells her he has to get out of there. Commercial.

After the break, Aaron finds Elena (who is handing out jello shots) and admits this isn't the lamest party. When she's surprised he made it, he suggests he may have fallen asleep, but it's clearly all hazy because these people have compelled the shit out of him. Elena tries to block out that fact and hands him a jello shot. Aaron says, "Now I know why Wes told me to stay away from you." He raises the cup to his lips and says, "Cheers." After they suck down their shots, Aaron declares Elena trouble. I want to stick up for her, but he's not wrong.

Elena learns Wes is Aaron's legal guardians because his parents are dead. She one-ups him by confessing both her birth and adoptive parents are dead. Aaron pronounces her situation dark and asks about her past. She tells him about the Wickery Bridge accident that took her adoptive parents, and then asks for his story. When Aaron was six, his family went camping. He woke up to his mother's screams. There was blood everywhere and his parents had bite marks all over their necks. "...They said a bear got into the camp. So I've shuffled around to distant relatives for a while. Eventually, Wes took me in, so Wes is the closest thing to family I have left." Elena is wowed by this. She says so, thanks him for coming, and offers to get them another round of jello shots.

Caroline finds Elena and asks if she's seen Jesse. Elena says, "No," and rushes past. Caroline asks where she's going. Elena: "To call Damon -- to make sure he doesn't kill Dr. Wes." I'm trying to think of another drama where the characters are such moral relativists, but I'm drawing a blank. Elena was fully willing to gamble with Maxfield's life, until he mattered to her. We cut back to the...

Mystic Grill. At the bar, Stefan downs shots until another panic attack kicks in. I have panic attacks. Booze can do plenty of bad things to you, but it doesn't trigger panic -- it quells it. Not listening to me, Stefan crushes his glass in his hand, and then stumbles outside. Katherine finds him mid-flashback. He warns her off, but Katherine is persistent. She tells him to relax. Even while he throttles her, Katherine asks him to tell him the name of the first person he killed. Stefan answers, "Giuseppe Salvatore." She makes him focus on the subsequent names: Thomas Fell, Honoria Fell, Marianne Lockwood, Christopher Gilbert, Margaret Forbes. Once Stefan is calm, he thanks Kiki for her help. They're interrupted by Nadia, who says, "You're right. Gregor is dead. Happy now?" Kiki tells Nini she deserves better. Nini says, "Rot in hell." We jump to...

Whitmore College. Elena's on the phone with Damon and is surprised to learn Jesse feeds on vampires. She's glad Maxfield is still alive and begs Damon not to kill him. He reluctantly agrees. Once they hang up, Elena rushes off.

Meanwhile, back at the lab, Damon tells Maxfield, "The problem is I know people like you --- a lot better than you realize. If I let you live, you're just going to do it again. You're going to turn another vampire. You're going to do another experiment. The only way to really handle you is just to snuff you out. You're lucky I don't feel like burying a body." Wow, someone's getting lazy in his old age.

Damon takes a scalpel and slices open his own wrist. As he raises his wound to Maxfield's mouth, Jesse barges in and demands to know what Maxfield did to him. The bad doctor says, "You feed on the monsters, Jesse." Immediately, Jesse detects the smell of the blood flowing from Damon's wrist. His game face emerges. When he moves on Damon, Damon explains how older vampires are stronger. But guess what? This show's canon and mythology rules were defenestrated a couple of years ago. Ahem. That is, this time there is an exception to the older = stronger rule. Jesse pushes Damon through an interior window and into commercial.

After the break, Damon and Jesse struggle some more, but Damon can't fight off Jesse's hunger. Soon after, the baby vamp sinks his fangs into our Evil Pixie Monster's neck. Elena arrives on scene tries to stop Jesse. Damon begs for his life. Elena looks around, picks up a broken piece of wood and stakes Jesse in the heart, just as Caroline arrives. Vampire Barbie is all, "No," but I can't even with this shit. The only people who ever matter on this show are those with whom the currently speaking character shares a connection. Caroline cries. The fandom sighs, "And the black guy always dies." I'd link you to copious citations in old recaps, but our servers have started their Thanksgiving holiday a few days early. Caroline's eyes blaze as she asks Elena what she's done. Elena says, "He was going to kill Damon." Caroline doesn't say, "And that's all right with me," but she might as well. Still recovering, Damon wanders off from the scene of recrimination, to attend to Dr. Maxfield. Elena tries to apologize, but Caroline is playing hardball. "The Elena I used to know would have given Jesse a chance." Cue the dramatic music and cut to the...

Mystic Grill. I can't stop laughing at the music, which is a bit too anvilicious. I don't have time to look up the song that's playing, but the refrain is: "Meet me on the Other Side." I mean, there's on point and there's poking oneself in the eyeball, Show. Whatever. Stefan is still drinking. He's about to leave when he notices a note tucked into the server's billfold. (Um, by this I mean the leather folder thingie restaurants put your bill in.) The note, which begins, "Dear Nadia" is peeking out of the top, and it's from Katherine, who tells her daughter, "...sorry I had to kill your boyfriend, but it was the motherly thing to do. Suicide, however -- not very motherly of me. I ran from my enemies for 500 years and then one day, I stopped. Now, a new enemy wants me dead. Sure, I could run from the Travelers, but there's still one enemy I can never escape -- time."

Throughout the above narration, Katherine has been climbing to the top of the clock tower. Marty McFly is nowhere in sight though, so she's ready to heave her pretty self off. Katherine tries to step a foot off, but hesitates to continue her narration. "So call it pride or vanity, but after the life I've lead, I refuse to drift off into the sunset. Goodbye, Nadia." Narration concluded, Katherine turns her back to the street below and just falls.

Beneath her, it doesn't so much devour -- it catches. That is to say, Stefan catches Katherine and saves her from her doom. When he asks her what she's doing, Katherine hops out of his arms and to her feet, then answers, "I told you, you either face your problems, or you run. I chose option 3." Stefan wants to know what problem has Katherine Fricking Pierce jumping off a clock tower. Kiki says, "I'm dying, Stefan. I'm dying of old age." Join the club, Keeks. So is the newborn in the hospital bassinet. Katherine ignores me and continues: "I don't know. The cure did something to screw up the entire, mortifying process."

Stefan raises a hand to Katherine's cheek. "Hey, you're Katherine Pierce. Suck it up." Oh yeah he did. Booyah! He walks off, leaving Katherine to watch after him. Her confounded look turns to a grin. Commercial.

After the break, we open in Jeremy's room, which sadly contains neither Damon's tub nor Katherine's prying eyes. Bonnie's having a hard time lighting candles and admits to her still boyish boy-toy that she misses magic. Jeremy chuckles. "Step away from the candles."

Bonnie turns toward her boy and they kiss. He hikes her up onto him and she rids them of his unnecessary shirt. God bless McQueen's trainer, although I should note here (because I failed to do so earlier) that Ian Somerhalder was sporting QUITE the biceps in this episode. As Bonnie begins to divest herself of her bra, she looks over Jeremy's unnaturally broad shoulders, spots Jesse and says, "Oh my God, I think Jesse's dead." Again, Jeremy can't see the spirit.

Jesse says he isn't ready and doesn't want this, but then he immediately grabs Bonnie's arms, disappears, and leaves her doubled over and screaming in pain. Jeremy demands to know what's happening. Bonnie diverts her eyes. "I'm the anchor to the Other Side, Jer. Every supernatural being that dies has to pass through me." Jeremy asks how often that happens. When she doesn't answer, he asks why she didn't tell him. Bonnie says she's back. She's here. Touching him. "We knew there'd be consequences. Just kiss me. Kiss me." Once Jeremy acquiesces, Bonnie says, "You and me -- this, this is worth it. Any consequence is worth it." Bonnie lies down on the bed; Jeremy follows her lead. In shadow -- in silhouette, they kiss. They also manage to ignore my heckling about how if I'd just been doubled over in pain thanks to being the Other Side bridge, I might not be ready for sexy fun times. We cut to...

Whitmore. After the party, Elena and Caroline clean the common room. Caroline sort of apologizes for earlier, but says it just sucks because, "...Jesse was one of the good ones." Thanks for telling me that, Show. You know what would have been nice? If you had shown me. Instead, we get yet another character of color, who is introduced, underdeveloped, and then killed off. Elena agrees with Caroline and says if she could have, she would have done something else. Jesse was dangerous. "I need you to believe that." Caroline eventually does, but there's a but. "But Elena, when are you going to figure out that the outside world isn't nearly as dangerous as the world you're inviting into your own bedroom." Oh Caroline, your last lover was one of the few people who could have killed you with a love bite (and tried to do so once, while he still labored under the sire bond). Ditto your longtime admirer (i.e. Klaus) who was more dangerous to all of you, Elena especially, than ten Damon's could ever be. Elena is so over Caroline's scolding about Damon, but Caroline stands firm. "The day that I stop telling you is the day that we're no longer best friends [...] and I hope that day never comes." Caroline departs, leaving Elena alone with her thoughts. We cut to...

Maxfield's lab. As Damon puts the disease samples back in the fridge, Dr. Maxfield uses a scalpel to cut through the tubing that binds him to the table. I have a hard time buying that Damon wouldn't hear that. The Contrivance Fairy says, "Hush. I shut off his vampiric hearing for this very scene." Damon grabs a blood bag and asks Maxfield, "Why does this say ?" Maxfield: "What do you care?" Damon's voice drops. He almost sounds choked up. "Because I was ." The sound guy gives us a Dun, because otherwise, the show would lose that fraction of the audience that glazes over at the mere mention of these numbers.

Maxfield says, "? Hang on. You were an Augustine Vampire?" Damon has a brief jumpy flashback featuring him in medical and lab settings. When he speaks, his voice is dreamy. "Augustine. I haven't heard that name in decades." After another quick flashback he adds, "Vampire lab rats. Coded subject names. I thought you guys shut down 60 years ago." Maxfield's face is half in shadow, making him even creepier than usual. "You thought wrong."

Damon throws the blood back in the fridge and slams the door, then marches toward Maxfield. "You know how I said I wasn't going to kill you? I lied." He grabs a syringe, but Maxfield has cut himself free. He bounds off the exam table and dives for the red button. When he presses it, mist pours out of the sprinkler system. As it overwhelms Damon, he coughs and falls to the floor. Maxfield is unaffected. "Atomized vervain. When working with vampires you can never be too careful. I'm sure Augustine will be thrilled to have you back." Damon passes out. We cut to the...

Whitmore dungeon. Damon is in a rock-walled room, behind steel bars. As he wakes, his mind flashes back to being the subject of blood-soaked experiments. Still drowsy from the vervain, he turns his head and reaches for the wall. His fingers find what they're seeking. Carved into the wall is: "D.S." with a "53" under it. The flashbacks continue. We see an operating room scenario which includes Damon in the past; blood flows out of his right eye. Back in the present, he looks around at his cell -- horrified. Title card.

Happy Thanksgiving, America. When The Vampire Diaries returns on December 5, 2013, with "The Cell," I'll be back with full coverage. In the meantime, please grade the episode at the top of the page, and then come on over to the forum, where we're injecting Maxfield with necrotizing fasciitis, just because we can.

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