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Wow. I watched "Bringing Out the Dead" twice last night and again this morning and I still don't know where I'm going to go with this, except to say that this may be one of the finest hours of this series. The writing and acting -- heck, every aspect of the storytelling, is pitch perfect. So think of this as less of a recaplet and more of a ramble. Okay?
While Bonnie and Abby work to open the sealed coffin (which Damon wisely hid -- with compelled human help -- in the No Vampires Allowed cave chamber) Damon and Stefan go to dinner with Klaus and Elijah at Klaus Haus (to stall Klaus, while Bonnie and Abby try to open the coffin). Meanwhile, Caroline goes to pick up her dad at the hospital, only to hear from Meredith that she discharged him the evening before, because Bill Forbes is, well... he's Bill Forbes and he's quite angry that Dr. Fell dosed him with icky vampire blood to save his life. When Caroline calls her father, her vamponic hearing picks up the sound of his cell phone. She and Elena find Bill lying unconscious in a hospital storage closet. He's suffering some serious knife wounds.
Care Bear is afraid her daddy is going to die, until Elena reminds her of the vampire blood undoubtedly still swimming in his veins. When Bill wakes up, he, of course, refuses to transition, because he's Bill Damn Forbes! Caroline, struggles against this, and even considers force-feeding him blood, but ends up taking him home to die. And I'll be honest with you, this episode has had me sobbing, for a few personal reasons. The ninth anniversary of my own father's passing is just days away. Also, the day after our last episode aired, my aunt -- one of the dearest friends of my heart -- passed away. Her passing was her of her own choice, as Bill's passing is his. She chose to forego dialysis, because she had so many other debilitating physical ailments, that while dialysis would have bought her more time, it wouldn't have bought her more life. I know she made the right decision, but that does little to soothe my broken heart. I seriously didn't intend to go there when I started this, three paragraphs ago, but my brain wouldn't let me write anything else, until I did.
I cannot help but identify (over-identify) with Caroline here, because although she knows Bill is making the right choice for him, his passing will leave a huge hole in her life -- a hole that cannot be filled. It's a hole she will have to learn to walk around. It's a hole she will sometimes stumble into, no matter how well she usually navigates. And on occasion? It's a hole into which Caroline will willingly throw herself. This is what it means to be human, indeed -- even when you're a vampire.
Bill's final conversation with Caroline, though, is everything it needs to be, to address the fact that not long ago, he was trying to torture the blood lust out of his daughter. The masterful stroke of writing (and acting), though, is how Bill manages to convince Caroline (and me) that while he is rejecting vampirism for himself, he fully accepts, approves of, admires and loves Caroline for the daughter and vampire she is.
All right. It's time to lighten up. Much of the episode revolves around the dinner between our beautiful brothers -- Brothers Salvatore and Brothers Original. The Salvatores present their (false) version of a truce. They (say they will) give Klaus the remaining coffin, if he and the rest of his kin get out of Mystic Falls, and leave them and Elena, to live "happily" ever after. Klaus refuses, because he needs Elena's doppelganger blood to build/replenish his line of hybrids. The whole thing is a set-up, though. When Damon undaggered Elijah, he left a note in his pocket asking him to meet. This cracks me up more than it should, because after the last episode, the people in our forum joked that Damon must have left a Post-It note inside Elijah's casket. I guess you had to be there.
Klaus manages to plant some (valid) seeds of doubt in the minds of both Stefan and Damon -- doubt about whether their presence in Elena's life is anything but bad for her. He points out that if he leaves his Hybrid Wet-Nurse with them, she will surely end up vamped, or dead, because of the conflict between them. By episode's end, the boys have a moment alone, in which they both profess their love for Elena, and neither of them is happy about it.
Klaus and Elijah also give Stefan and Damon a little wisdom born of their own experience in loving the same woman. It seems Tatia Petrova (the originator of the doppelganger line which spawned both Katherine and Elena) was once their reason for living. All the boys loved her, just like they love Elena and Katherine, even though Tatia already had a child by another man. Mama Original "took" Tatia, but the girl never could decide between the two brothers, so see, it's not Elena's fault she loves both Salvatores. Loving two beautiful brothers is in her supernatural DNA! And -- and it's this part that blows my mind and makes everything about this series work on 100 new levels -- it was Tatia's blood that Mama Original mixed with the wine she used, when she turned her children into vampires. I don't want to shoot my whole wad here, when I've yet to write the full weecap, but don't you see how much that explains? Witches, vampires, and the doppelganger are always tied to one another, no matter how hard they struggle against their bonds.
Bonnie and her mother finally do open the coffin, but whatever is in it (we know it's Mama Original) knocks them both out and escapes. And in other news, Alaric has a quest of his own. Liz Forbes reveals to him (and Elena) that the stake used to kill Meredith's ex -- Medical Examiner Brian, belongs to the Fellowship of the Falls, and has Elena's fingerprint on it. Liz doesn't suspect Elena of the murder. The point of the print, in this episode, is just to tip of the Fellowship to the fact that someone is using their weapons to kill members of the Council, but while I largely suspect Meredith is involved (despite her alibi for one of the attacks), that fingerprint, to me, suggests that perhaps Katherine is involved.
Anyhow, after Bill is knifed with another Fellowship weapon, Alaric can't help but question Meredith's involvement, because she knows about his weapons cache. As I indicated before, by episode's end, Meredith has an alibi -- an alibi for the latest attack -- the attack on Alaric (!!!) because oh yeah, someone knifes him too, right in Gilbert Gables. Matt and Elena find him dying, but because Alaric doesn't know who attacked him, nor whether his attacker is supernatural, he asks supernatural doppelganger Elena to kill him, to activate his ring (although I wouldn't depend on that thing, anymore). Elena gets her fierce on, again, and to Matt's horror, she kills Alaric to save his life. By episode's end, Alaric is back, although he seems in bad shape.
Back at Klaus Haus, Damon and Elijah have secretly undaggered Rebekah and Original brothers Kol and Finn (who are also beautiful, because this is The Vampire Diaries). They attack Klaus with the daggers he used to "kill" them, and make it clear they're going to abandon him. Then Mama Original Witch swoops in, because she is, of course, what was in that last coffin. Klaus is, for once, terrified, but Mama is there not to kill, but to forgive him! (That can't bode well for Elena.)
There's so much more, especially with my Pudding Pop, Matt. I'll cover it all, in the full weecap, which will be up ASAP. In the meantime, please grade the episode up top and join us in the forum, where it's always a family affair.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Sometimes, I approach an episode as a critic, in that I try to be objective. Sometimes I approach it as a fan. I don't choose my approach, so much as it chooses me. The choice doesn't seem to be dependent on episode quality, so much as where the episode hits me. Some episodes (of any show) hit me in the head. Others hit me in the gut. "Bringing Out the Dead" is a gut-punch, but it's also made me all thinky, too. That's my favorite kind of story -- one that delivers the old one-two.
Once something (or someone) is one of my favorites, good versus poor sort of fades into the background. Sure, there might be "problems" with this episode, but few (if any) of them originate in this episode. So while I'll poke at them along the way, none of them affect my love of "Bringing Out the Dead." So, if you're hoping for Bitter Cindy, you should probably read the recaplet of the last Once Upon A Time episode (or heck, any of my No Ordinary Family weecaps; my bile revs up at episode 6), instead.
Previously, on The Vampire Diaries... I'm a writer, not a mather, but over the course of more than two and a half seasons, I must have spewed about a half million words telling you what's happened, previously, on The Vampire Diaries...
Klaus: Is she stalling? I think she's stalling.
Elijah: Well, the episode hit a little too close to home for her. Did you get a gander at the recaplet?
Klaus: I pity her readers. They come for snark and instead, she serves up snivels.
Elijah: Pot, I've got kettle on Line One, for you.
Klaus: What's that supposed to mean?
Elijah: Little half-brother, I might have just spent months in a casket, but even "dead" I was not deaf to your weeping and wailing. Cut the lady some slack.
Klaus: Fine, so should we just tell the story?
Recapper: Oh, you two guys! You would do that for me?
Elijah: Well, if those "super heroes" on No Ordinary Family could do it, surely we can.
Recapper: But everyone uses that format, now (and did when I was covering NOF). I'm feeling like I shouldn't.
Klaus: Cindy, do you want to end up a sobbing mess like you did when you wrote the recaplet, or do you want to have some fun?
Recapper: Point taken. My apologies in advance to all y'all who do this every week. I am just too broken by the episode to dig back into it in a serious way. Take it, Elijah.
Elijah: Excellent. So, Klaus is surprised to see me, because he certainly wasn't the one to undagger me. Cindy, why don't you add undagger to spellcheck, love. It's going to be tossed around a lot.
Recapper: Check.
Klaus: Being a civil chap, I offer my brother a drink.
Elijah: I counter with *PUNCH* but not the fruity delicious kind, the violent kind, because I'm a vampire like that. Actually, I give him the old, how did you put it -- the old one-two. Niklaus goes crashing through his French doors.
Klaus: And I'm all like, "Easy, I just finished RENOVATING."
Recapper: And that's an actual quote.
Elijah: We fight some more, but then Niklaus ups the stakes by pulling the dagger out of our brother Kol's chest, and threatening to redagger me. (Add redagger to spellcheck too, sweets.) So, I remind Niklaus that if he uses Kol's dagger on me, he'll have to deal with Kol.
Klaus: I don't know if I'm supposed act like I'm more afraid of Kol, or if I decide it's futile to trade one pissed off brother for another. Either way, Elijah remains dagger free, for the nonce.
Recapper: I feel better, already. I don't suppose you can do anything to resurrect Mason "Brick House" Lockwood?
Elijah: When Niklaus tries to butter me up by telling me he's killed our father...
Recapper: Around here, he's known as Mikael the Vampire Vampire Slayer, or MtVVS, for short.
Elijah: Right. So anyhow, the buttering up backfires, because if MtVVS is dead, why do the daggers remain in our siblings' chests? Finn's been daggered for 900 years. Kol's been like that for over a century.
Klaus: I blame Stefan. On the surface, I do so, because he's holding that last coffin, but really, he's an easy scapegoat, these days. I broke him ever so spectacularly.
Recapper: Yeah, although the Ripper thing only worked some of the time, I've found him riveting since you freed him from your compulsion. But please, continue with the story.
Klaus: Thank you. You know, people seldom seem to appreciate how much more damned interesting I've made the younger Salvatore. Anyway, I reinsert the dagger in Kol's chest as I tease Elijah that I've more to reveal about our family (particularly Mother's passing) and remind him he's sworn to be loyal to me, "Always and Forever."
Elijah: I cannot tell you where to stick that oath, since doing so will tip my hand and reveal I am going to work behind your back, with Damon.
Klaus: Right. So, I plead with Elijah to help me destroy Stefan, so our family can once again be whole.
Elijah: I roll my eyes right into scene, which we're not in, so I think we should hand off the baton, as it were.
Elena: Got it!
Recapper: Elena, you've been going through so much. Are you sure you have the time and energy to help with the recap?
Elena: Oh yeah. You've been really nice to me, Cindy, even when others have been hating on me. I'm glad to help. Besides, I've been training with Alaric. My stamina has doubled.
Damon: Let me put that to the test.
Alaric: Why I oughtta...
Recapper: Skedaddle, Evil Pixie Monster. You're not in this scene.
Elena: Right. At first it's just me, Alaric and Alaric's overgrown liver. He's hung over, yet again, and telling me about drunk dialing Meredith at 2:00 AM.
Alaric: Jenna had nothing on me, in the World's Worst Guardian competition.
Recapper: I hate that I love the chemistry between the two of you.
Matt Davis: I love it so much, I wrote fan fic about it, on Twitter. It starts with this tweet.
Recapper: Please to remain in character, whilst recapping, m'kay?
Doorbell: Ding Dong!
Elena: It's Sheriff Forbes. This can't be good.
Liz: I know, right? And it isn't. Anyhow, this is one of those conversations where we acknowledge this town is crawling with creatures of the night, so you've got my back, right?
Alaric: Your front's not so bad either, when they let you dress in civvies and do your hair.
Liz: I'm on duty, which means I can only flirt with Damon, and he's not here. Let's get down to business. Here's a bloody stake. It was driven into the heart of Medical Examiner Brian, the night of the Wickery Bridge fundraiser.
Alaric: Hey, that's our brand!
Elena: We have an identifiable brand of wooden stakes?
Alaric: That's what it says in the script. In fact, just by looking at it, I can tell it's one of a set from your folks' lake house.
Elena: I worry about you, Ric.
Liz: Anyhow, there's only one set of prints on it, and Elena, they are yours. Dun dun dun.
Elena: I totally have an alibi for that night. I was busy being terrified by Stefan.
Liz leaves. Elena calls the Evil Pixie Monster...
Damon: Yay, I'm finally in a scene. I'm strolling through a field... La dee da.
Rose: Does this mean I'm going to die, again?
Damon: I hope not. That totally sucked. Especially for me.
Rose: Yes. Right. For you.
Damon: How come nobody's telling Rose to scram?
Recapper: Fine. Rose, would you please...
Rose: Gladly.
Damon: So Elena tells me Liz doesn't suspect her. She's just wondering how someone got a Gilbert weapon, to off a human member of the Council. I suggest Alaric question the good Doctor Fell.
Alaric: Yeah, except you call her my "dirty doctor" so I remind you you're on speaker phone. Dick.
Damon: When are we going to be BFFs again, Alaric? I miss you. Also, hey! How come I keep calling you Alaric in this recap, when on the show, I almost always call you Ric
Recapper: My house. My rules.
Damon: Fine, tell your own damned story, then.
Recapper: *Sniff* Okay.
Damon: Oh please don't cry. That's Elena's job. Just let me call him "Ric," all right?
Elena: Me too, please?
Alaric: Yeah, and when my name shows up before my lines, can that read "Ric," too?
Recapper: *Scowls* Very well, but Lucia is going to be so disappointed in me.
Ric: I didn't show Meredith my weapon, or my weapons until last night.
Elena: Please tell me you didn't text her naughty pictures. No. You know what? Don't answer that. Change of subject. The killer cannot be Meredith. I refuse to believe your luck with women is that tragic.
Recapper: Oh damn, it's totally Meredith.
Ghosts of Isobel and Jenna: Yeah it is.
Katherine: Yes. Right! And I helped! I mean, my doppelganger's prints are on the damned thing, and yet no one thinks of me. It's like I don't even matter anymore.
Recapper: Someone didn't read the recaplet. Coincidentally, that same someone isn't in this episode, never mind this scene. Hit the road, Kiki.
Ric: The point of this is to remind everyone that I have weapons everywhere. They're at Gilbert Gables, my loft, the school, Damon's car. Damon suggests Klaus could be the culprit.
Recapper: Some people in our forum wonder if you might be doing it, Ric?
Ric: I black out so often, I suppose it's possible.
Elena: Hey, think back to the night Brian was murdered. Stefan was cray-cray-crazy. It could be him. I hope it is, BECAUSE I HATE YOUR FRICKING GUTS, STEFAN. YOU THREW OUT MY PHONE!
Damon: Ah, makes me nostalgic for the time Stefan was a bunny-snacking pacifist.
Recapper: Great line, Damon.
Damon: I know. But I've got to hang up now. I've got a mandate.
Elijah: Well hello there, Blue Eyes. Thanks for the love letter.
Recapper: What's that?
Elijah: When he ever so kindly undaggered me, Damon left me a little note in my jacket pocket.
Damon: "Dear Elijah, let's get together and plot the destruction of your brother. XO XO.
Recapper: Ahaahahahahahahahaha. Hoohoohoo. Hee hee. Ahahahahahaha.
Damon: All right, I know I'm damned amusing, but that was overkill. Did Klaus break her, too?
Elijah: No, the writers did.
Damon: Oh, right. Them.
Recapper: I'm sorry for my outburst. It's just that after the episode, when Elijah revived so quickly, one of our members, KatTV, wondered if Damon tossed a couple of blood bags into your coffin to help him out. Another member, Goldmoon, responded with this...
Goldmoon's Post: "I am pretty sure that Damon put a sticky note on one of the blood bags that said, 'Love, Damon. X O X O X O.'"
Recapper: It just...it's a thing. Okay. I guess you had to be there.
Elena: Wow, that Goldmoon was pretty pissed at me, earlier in that post. I mean...ouch.
Recapper: Oh, Elena. Honey, you, in particular, should just never go to our forum. Ever. I apologize for mentioning it, but you're not in this scene. What are you doing here?
Elena: Sorry. My doppelganger sense was tingling. I'll leave, now.
Recapper: Good call. Gentlemen, where were we?
Elijah: We were just about to finish the scene. Damon asks what kind of Klaus-killing weapon could be in the fourth coffin. Now we pass it off to...
Bonnie: Me! Don't expect me to be chipper, though. Stefan is being a Prickosaurus Rex, and I swear, Mr. Broken Switch, if you so much as lay one single finger on my cell phone, I'll give you a mystical migraine so fierce, your head will explode, and all your poofy hair will be ruined. Just ruined.
Stefan: Get in the damned No Vampires Allowed cave chamber, and open up that coffin, Witch. And take Abby Abandoner with you.
Bonnie: F.M.L.
Recapper: How did Damon, a vampire, get those coffins into the chamber from which he is magically banished?
Stefan: He compelled the Lockwood gardeners to do it. Duh.
Recapper: Fair enough.
Stefan: Oh, look! It's my Loose Lipped Lovah. What are you doing here?
Elena: I am here to accuse you of murdering Medical Examiner Brian. You threw out my CELL PHONE, STEFAN. I HATE YOUR RIPPER GUTS.
Stefan: Oh yeah, well why don't you ask Damon who he's killed, lately, that is if you can stop SUCKING HIS FACE long enough to get the words out!
Elena: BECAUSE WHILE DAMON COMPELLED CAROLINE TO BE HIS SEX SLAVE AND CHEW TOY, AND KILLED MY BROTHER ONE TIME, HE NEVER, EVER THREW OUT MY CELL PHONE, STEFAN!
Stefan: WHATEVER, YOU METAPHORICALLY ADULTEROUS WHORE!
Elena: LIKEWISE, YOU LITERAL CELL PHONE THROWER-OUTTER!
Caroline: Cindy, ignore them. Come over to the hospital and bathe in my awesomeness.
Recapper: I thought you'd never ask.
Caroline: So, um, Doctor Fell. Can I have my daddy back?
Meredith: Well, I'm going to tell you I discharged that stubborn bastard, last night. You might not want to believe me, though, since, as you mention, he didn't call to let you know, so let me deflect attention from my wicked ways, by confessing I totes know you're a vampire.
Caroline: Are you out for blood?
Meredith: One way or another, yes! Toodles.
Elena: What's up, Care Bear?
Caroline: How did you get here so fast?
Elena: I'm running on pure fury. Lemme tell ya, if they can bottle this stuff up, goodbye fossil fuel addiction. Hello, greener America.
Ian Somerhalder: That girl rocks, in all her incarnations.
Caroline: So that doctor lady isn't nice at all, but I'm distracted, so I allow her to dupe me into believing she's nice. I need to call my daddy.
Elena: Oh sure, Stefan didn't throw out your cell phone!
Caroline: I have memorized daddy's ringtone, and he is the only person in a ten town radius who uses said ringtone, so when my vamponic hearing picks up the sound of a ringtone, even as I'm waiting for my dad to pick up his phone, I know it must be his phone I hear ringing, even though there must be a least a dozen or more phones ringing in this hospital at the same time. Get it? Got it? Good. And look, here he is, DYING TO DEATH, in a hospital supply closet.
Elena: Oh Caroline, he's gonna be all right. First of all, dude is loaded with vampire blood. Second of all, he too has an intact cell phone.
Bill Forbes: Eff my un-life.
Meanwhile, back in the cave...
Bonnie: As I give my mother the backstory on the cave drawings, I make sure to drive home the point that the Originals' mother loved them so very much, SHE couldn't bear to lose them.
Abby: Yeah. I um...got that. My grimoire -- let me show you it.
Bonnie: Whatever, bee-yatch. I don't want to talk to you, either. Let's do a spell.
Abby: This one has a pretty drawing. Let's try it.
Bonnie: I'll do anything to get out of this godforsaken cave. Let's cut to Mossy Manse.
Stefan: I am shirtless. You're welcome.
Audience: *Applauds*
Damon: Here are two shirts. Pick one. I'm the nudist on this show. And? No. You're welcome.
Audience: *Applauds*
Stefan: I think your plan to visit Klaus Haus and stall Klaus, while Bonnie and Abby try to open the coffin, is dumb and dumber. You were a moron to undagger Elijah, who has already betrayed us, before. Also? You have stupid hair.
Damon: Damn straight I kissed our girlfriend, and I'd do it, again.
Stefan: I am so not talking about that, Damon.
Damon: Who do you think you're fooling? Besides, it's Klaus's fault Elena and I kissed, because he's the one that turned you into a dick.
Ric: How do you expect to restore our relationship, Damon, if you're using my pet name for you, on your brother?
Damon: Um, Cindy?
Recapper: *Waggles bottle of booze* Here Ric. Come on. Come here, boy. Good boy. Sit. Drink. Pass out.
Back at the hospital...
Caroline: Daddy, lie down and relax while you transition.
Bill: I can't. I'm too wired from wanting to transition.
Elena: Mr. Forbes? Who attacked you, anyhow?
Bill: I don't know. I was sneaking out the back door. I didn't see anything.
Recapper: Um, Caroline, aren't you curious about why your father was "sneaking" out of the hospital, if Meredith truly discharged him, as she claims?
Caroline: Not in this script! Now, Daddy, we need to get you some blood.
Bill: I'm well aware I'm transitioning, because studying everything ever about vampires has been my grand passion. But? I am so not drinking that shit.
Elena: You have to, or you'll die.
Bill: Look, Caroline. I love you. And I finally love vampire you. But um...I'd rather die than be like you, even though you got 200 percent more awesome, once you turned. Now get me out of here. All I can smell is blood.
Recapper: The people in the forum are going to be upset that you're not struggling more with this transition thing.
Bill: Block them out, Cindy. Mind over matter. Mind over matter.
Recapper: Why didn't I think of that?
That evening, at Gilbert Gables...
Ric: So, I'm doing weapons inventory!
Elena: And I've had a busy day. I stole evidence from a crime scene. Here's the knife that "killed" Bill.
Ric: I know that knife. It's from a crawl-space in the foyer.
Elena: You're a little weird, Ric.
Ric: I can tell you where each weapon belongs. Like these stakes over here -- they're from a duffel bag in Damon's car.
Elena: Okay, you're a lot weird, but I can't think about that right now, because the script tells me I have to say those are identical to the stake which killed Medical Examiner Brian, and yet, didn't you previously identify the murder weapon as being from a set at the lake house? Writers?
Recapper: Don't you pick on the writers, this week. This is my favoritest episode. Besides, maybe Damon or Ric took those stakes from the lake house and stowed them in Damon's car.
Elena: All right, fine. Just don't start crying again. It lessens the impact of my tears.
Klaus: And mine!
Elena: You're not in this scene, which reminds me, I've so got to get Bonnie working on a de-invite spell.
Bonnie: F.M.L. Again.
Willow: The de-invite spell isn't all that hard.
Bonnie: I'm sure it isn't. It's just principle of the thing, Willow. "Bonnie cast this spell. Lift that curse. Tote this enchantment. Heft that unsealing." It's all I do. Now I don't even have a boyfriend anymore, because he cheated on me with another supernatural entity, and then hightailed it out of Dodge.
Willow: Our stories have some striking similarities. Have you considered playing for the home team? Doing spells takes on a whole new meaning. Just sayin'...
Recapper: Ladies, first of all, you don't belong here. Secondly, Bonnie, I've had an epiphany about why you and yours are always getting dragged into this vampire crap. I'll hit it, when the time is right. Now shoo, you two.
Ric: Thank you. I mean I'm all set to acknowledge that Meredith is looking more and more like a suspect. I mean...Damon's car was at the fundraiser. So was Meredith. Brian was there. He called her a psycho. When do I get to make my points?
Elena: Ya just did. So Ric, why would Meredith try to kill Bill, after saving him?
Ric: Well, he is a major dick. I mean, he tortured his own kid.
Elena: And? He's not nearly as much of a hottie as Damon. Not that I think...Damon is not...I don't...Hot.
Recapper: Keep trying, Elena. Did anyone consider that Meredith's motive for attacking Bill might be his fury at learning she dosed him with vampire blood? He's on the Council. Maybe he decided to rat her out.
Ric and Elena: Not in this script.
Meanwhile, over at Klaus Haus, the Handsome Club convenes...
Klaus: Sit, enjoy my fabulous hospitality, and perhaps have a little bite of something, or someone.
Compelled, Identically Dressed, Chick Chew Toys Standing About the Room: We have nothing to fear. We have nothing to fear. We have nothing to fear.
Stefan: I didn't come here to eat Klaus.
Damon: Brother, I think you're missing a comma, up there.
Recapper: Thank goodness I'm not the only one who heard Stefan's line, that way.
Stefan: Don't look at me. I just read what's on the page.
Elijah: Wait 'til you get my entire family together. The entendres are at least quintuple.
Stefan: Look, I am hostile to everything going on here -- everything you know about and everything you don't.
Klaus: If you don't enjoy my mad hosting skills, I will reach down your throats and pull out your innards, until you smile like you mean it. Why does no one love me?
Stefan: So, where's Rebekah? Are you still scared of a little girl?
Klaus: No need to be cryptic. Elijah knows I killed our mother.
Damon: Hey Stef, remember when you killed dad? You might want to dial down the judgment until dessert.
Front Porch of Fortress Forbes
Caroline: I haven't heard from Tyler. What if he's the murderer? What if he's a sire-bound hound dog of murderer? Plus? My daddy is dying. He is dying when he could totally live, if he'd just have a little bag of blood. This is all very emotional for me, but I know it's emotional for Cindy too, so I'm just going to shut up now. I'm totally forcing some blood down daddy's throat.
Elena: He doesn't want to, Caroline. The only thing your dad has is his choice.
Audience: What about Jeremy, you hypocritical so-and-so?
Elena: Look, Bonnie has already taken me to task for that. I freely admit my hypocrisy. I struggle with my decision to let Damon compel Jeremy, every day. When are you people going to stop beating a dead horse?
Recapper: Um, Elena, have you met the Internet?
Caroline: Good point. Besides, this is about dying daddies. Elena, I think it totally sucks when daddies die. Did it totally suck for you, too?
Elena: It did, does, and always will.
Cindy: Been there. Done that. Bought the black outfit. For the record? Dying aunties aren't much better.
Elena: I feel ya.
Matt: Hey, I'm gonna just sidle up here and spread my Pudding Pop-ness all over you lovely, sad ladies.
Cindy: *Sniff* That means more than you'll ever know, Matt.
Matt: Um, I was talking to the women who are my age. You're a little...outside the range I've put up on my online dating profile.
Cindy: I was going to act all offended, but I am way too old for you. I'm married, too. I mostly just want to take you home, wrap you in a blanket, and feed you warm, chocolate pudding.
Matt: *Sigh* That's what she said, and she said, and they all said -- hence the dating profile.
Elena, Caroline, Cindy: Oh Matt, you are the awesomest guy who is never going to get any from any of us.
Back at Club Handsome...
Elijah: So Stefan, where is the lovely Elena, tonight?
Stefan: I don't know. Ask Damon.
Klaus: LOL. It's totally the lure of the Petrova doppelganger. Hey Elijah, let's tell them about Tatia.
Elijah: Must we go there?
Klaus: Don't make me redagger you.
Elijah: So our family left the Old World and came to Virginia before it was Virginia and there was this girl, right? Everyone wanted her, even though she was damaged goods, having had a child by another man. Klaus was like ZOMG, I lurvvvvvvvvvvvve her more than everyone else does.
Klaus: Oh Kettle. Pot is calling you back on Line One.
Elijah: Don't be derivative, Niklaus. It's beneath us. Leave that to the recapper.
Recapper: But Elijah, you are the one who encouraged me to revert to this format, this week. I feel so betrayed. I really do love your new hairdo, though.
Stefan: I am totally laughing at you two "Originals" for falling in love with the same woman, even though Damon and I have done this at least twice.
Elijah: Can I finish my story, you ugly (albeit handsome) Americans? Our mother was a powerful witch because she is portrayed by one of the women who played Eloise Hawking on Lost, and no one is scarier than Eloise.
Damon: I never got to meet Eloise. I was too busy sleeping with my step-sister, dying and ending up in Locke's freaky-ass dreams.
Elijah: Anyhow, mother wanted to end my feud with Klaus, so she "took" Katia.
Recapper: Is that a sex euphemism? I mean -- what does that mean -- she "took" her?
Elijah: Damned if I know. Later, we'd find it out it was Tatia's blood that mother mixed with wine, in the spell that turned us all into vampires. Tatia wouldn't choose between us.
Recapper: I can see that, but with your new haircut, E, I'm pretty sure I'd pick you.
Elijah: Thank you, darling. Anyhow, Nik and I grew estranged. We argued. We fought.
Klaus: Eventually though, we realized no lover is better than a brother.
Elijah: Amen.
Stefan: Don't even think about it, Damon.
Damon: The closest I want to get to your thing, is Elena's ladybits. Ya dig?
Recapper: Can I just say something? Someone ring up Bonnie, tell her about the Petrova blood used in the vampire creation spell, and then put the phone on speaker, because I think she needs to hear this, too.
Damon: Done.
Recapper: Do you not all see how important this is -- the doppelganger blood thing? Witches, vampires and the doppelganger are always tied to one another, no matter how hard they struggle against their bonds. The Original Petrova -- Tatia -- her blood played an important role in starting your whole race. No wonder you both were so drawn to Katherine then, and to Elena, now.
Damon: Yeah, but we loved Katherine when we were humans, too. And they loved Tatia before they were turned.
Recapper: Sure, but we all know what she looks like. How difficult is it for a young man to fall in love with a young woman who looks like that?
Stefan: Speaking from the experience of two go 'rounds -- not very.
Elijah: I see what you're saying, and to be honest, Niklaus and I both had things for Katerina, too.
Klaus: No, I just had a thing with Katerina. You had a thing for her, and I do believe you're rather taken with the young Miss Gilbert, as well. I mean, our guests arrive and practically the first words out of your mouth were, "Where's the lovely Elena?"
Recapper: Anyhow...as vampires, your love is going to be even more powerful, right? I mean you have all those enhanced feelings, which we already knew about. Now it seems, as vampires, you have a significant connection to the Petrova bloodline, because in a sense, it's part of your bloodline, too.
Damon: Are you going off on some sort of a Wincest tangent, because if so, I'd like to throw up, now.
Recapper: Decidedly not, Damon. I mean if Klaus, Elijah and siblings are truly the "Original" vampires, they're your ancestors, in the supernatural sense. Assuming "Original" isn't another lie, like the Curse of the Sun and the Moon, that is.
Klaus and Elijah: *Whistling*
Recapper: A fat lot of help you two are. So, Stefan, Damon, one of the "Originals" turned a human, who turned a human, who turned a human and so on, for about 850 years, until you two were turned. Now, to make matters even more interesting, the vampire who turned you, that is -- Katherine, is also a doppelganger of Tatia. Tatia was an ingredient in creating your race. Her doppelganger then turned you, personally. No wonder you're both so in love with Elena (and were with Katherine). It's your double destiny. And? I think it's Elena's destiny to love you both, too.
Bonnie (over speaker phone): That's all well and good, but why are you interrupting my spell...
Damon: Um, Bon, we're on speakerphone, at Klaus Haus.
Bonnie: Oh, right. Um, so um...why have you interrupted my spell--spell-spelling bee drills, to tell me all this?
Recapper: Well, you know how you're sick of doing spells for Elena (the doppelganger) to help her deal with all this vampire crap?
Bonnie: Yeah. F.M.L.
Recapper: You're a witch. Whether or not Eloise Hawking is truly the "Original" witch, she's a witch. She is of your supernatural race, and if she's the Original witch, she's your ancestor in a supernatural sense. She started this whole mess, and used Elena's ancestor to start it. Your supernatural race is all about the balance of nature and whatnot. One of your own created this disaster. That's why you're always being drawn into cleaning it up. You're destined for this, too.
Bonnie: Oh, so F.M.L. and my destiny? I get what you're saying, but I've got to go.
Meanwhile, back in the No Vampires Allowed cave chamber...
Bonnie and Abby: *Chant In Latin*
Magical Forces: *Flop*
Bonnie: You know, you suck so much, that it was more fun to pretend you were dead.
Abby: What can I do to prove how sorry I am?
Bonnie: How about some fricking magic, Witch.
Bonnie and Abby: *Resume Chanting*
Magical Forces: *Candles Flare*
Bonnie: Since that seems to have almost worked, I'm going to go to an outer chamber where there's better reception, and call Damon, rather than power through the spell again. If you need me, won't that just be poetic justice. SUCK IT, MOM!
Abby: You should have seen her during her terrible twos. I told her I left because of the magic, but really, I just couldn't take her for one more minute.
Sound Effect: Bang!
Abby: I am just going to reach toward this coffin now.
Magical Forces: *Candles Flare*
Coffin Lid: *Flies Open*
Abby: Eek!
And over at Club Handsome...
Damon: (Psssst, don't tell Klaus, but I just got a text from Bonnie. She's almost got it, but she needs a little more time.)
Audience: (Okay, Damon. Our lips are sealed. You know, unless you want them unsealed, and then you just say the word. Or kiss us. Whatever works. We're not fussy.)
Damon: Klaus, you know what, we'll give you back that coffin, if you and yours just take it, and get the hell out of Mystic Falls, so that Stefan, Elena and I can live happily ever after.
Recapper: Thomas Galvin already beat me to the "Devil's three-way," punch (even though it's totally in my notes, and I used to cover How I Met Your Mother, Thomas), so no comment. So anyhow, Klaus, what do you think about Damon's proposed truce?
Klaus: I think it sucks out loud. Look, Elena is my hybrid wet nurse. If I leave her here with these two twits, she's either going to get vamped or flat out killed, and then no more baby hybrids for me, which would suck, because they seem to love me a whole lot more than anyone ever has. It's time to face facts, boys: the worst thing that ever happened to Elena was meeting you Salvatores.
Damon: I'm going to cringe in discomfort, wink at Elijah, and then go "outside" for some "air."
Elijah: Keen. Let me help you with that. (Psssst, don't tell Klaus, but we're totally going to undagger my siblings, now.)
Audience: Finally!
Elena and Matt return to Gilbert Gables...
Elena: Thanks for walking me home, Pudding Pop. Why did we break up, again?
Matt: Well, we don't have much chemistry.
Elena: That's because I haven't turned it on. Much like someone here hasn't turned on the lights, but we won't be suspicious when we find the power is out.
Matt: Really? Not even after I was just talking about how messed up this town is?
Elena: Not even then. Oh look. *Yawn* Blood.
Matt: Let's grab knives and see if we can make even more blood appear.
Elena: Excellent idea! Oh look, a handy dandy trail leads all the way up the stairs. Great. Ric is lying on the floor, with a knife in his gut. Now people are even trying to kill my fake family members.
Matt: I'll call 9-1-1.
Ric: I don't even know who tried to kill me, so Elena, I want you to finish the job.
Matt: What the fuck is wrong with you people?
Elena: How much time do you have? Look, hang up the phone. Ric's got this protect-o ring, right? It saves him from death, provided his would-be killer is a supernatural being. I am the doppelganger. I've totally got this. *Stabby Stabby Kill Kill*
Matt: I hope to God it's not too late to apply to an out-of-state school.
Recapper: I hope to God that ring still works.
And over at Klaus Haus...
Klaus: Stefan, care for some blonde blood?
Stefan: No thanks. I'm still in my brunette phase, remember.
Damon and Elijah return and restore the handsome quotient to its full 400 percent.
Klaus: Now that you two are back, I can completely repeat myself about you Salvatore boys being bad for my hybrid wet nurse. I see her hooking up with that Pudding Pop fellow, marrying, and making me lots of pretty contributors to the Petrova bloodline. That is my counter-offer: Elena's future happiness.
TWoPpers: We don't get it. Is Tatia the Original Petrova? Was she even a Petrova? Did they even have surnames, then? How did a Bulgarian get to the New World a thousand or however many years ago? Vikings, okay, sure. We doubt they were in Virginia, but this is a show about vampires, so fine. And by what luck did Tatia's supernatural heir, Katerina, bear the same surname, however many centuries later? Since Tatia and Katerina were both single mothers, will Elena be one, too? Did Tatia's baby stay in Bulgaria or wherever with its father, or was it born in the New World? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
Recapper: Make them stop! It's my favorite episode.
Nearly Dead Bill Forbes: I know I'm not in this scene, but my mind is so powerful, I can transport my thoughts into it, all the same. Block them out, Cindy. Mind over matter. Mind over matter. Mind over matter.
Recapper: I think you just redeemed yourself with me, Bill. Go in peace.
Nearly Dead Bill Forbes: I'm trying. I'm trying.
Klaus: So anyhow, Stefan, do we have a deal?
Stefan: I am shaking your hand, but I am totally saying, "Psych!"
Klaus: I don't take too kindly to that, as you can imagine, so I beat Stefan up, break his bones like he's a transitioning werewolf, and stick his hand in the fire. Coffin Damon, now please.
Damon: Dude, fine.
Klaus: Elijah go with him, to keep him honest.
Elijah: Keeping him honest would necessitate him being honest and...oh right. I'm still pretending to be on your side. Very well.
Fortress Forbes, Caroline's Room...
Bill: You were afraid to be a cheerleader, and I talked you into it. You turned into a vampire, and I tortured it out of you, or tried to. Since it didn't stick, we're good, right?
Caroline: Sure, Daddy, whatever you say. How about a nice, refreshing glass of blood? No? Then how about if I call your boyfriend?
Bill: I am so over Stephen, it isn't even funny. Call him after I'm dead, so he'll feel extra bad.
Caroline: Daddy, it would be okay if you became a vampire. I mean, how can you hate who and what I am so much that you will let yourself die this young?
Bill: You're strong, beautiful, good and exactly who your mom and I hoped you'd be. Besides, it's against my religious beliefs or something. It's hard to put into words, but it work for Cindy, whenever she hears me say it, even though it sort of doesn't work, in black and white.
Recapper: Truth.
Caroline: Please don't leave me.
Recapper: Can I go?
Caroline: Absolutely.
Bill: Parents aren't supposed to outlive their children, Caroline. It's okay. This is life. This is what it means...to be human.
Recapper: Oh my word. Yes. Leaving now. *Sob*
Klaus Haus...
Stefan: Why don't you just kill me now, so you'll have more time to open the coffin, once Damon brings it back.
Klaus: You're such a quitter. God. Wait. Elijah, what are you doing back here?
Elijah: I brought dessert. How about a couple of daggers?
Klaus: Yikes!
Elijah: I've learned not to trust your vulgar promises, Klaus. We're doing this on my terms now. Meet my first term. You'll remember our brother, Kol? It's only been about a century. Our brother Finn might be more of a stretch -- a 900 year stretch of your memory.
Finn: *Stabs dagger through Klaus's hand*
Klaus: REMEMBERING!
Rebekah: *Appears. Stabs dagger in Klaus's gut* "This is for our mother."
Kol: *Restrains Klaus*
Elijah (to Stefan and Damon): You're free to go. This is family business.
Fortress Forbes...
Caroline holds her father's hand as he dies. Her mother stands by, supporting her. I run out of the room.
Gilbert Gables...
Elena: Caroline called. Her dad died. Will you stay with me until [Ric] wakes up? I can't lose any more family.
Matt: Of course.
Elena Haters: We hate your fricking guts, Elena, because Damon and Stefan love you you, who have lost your father, mother, aunt, creepy-ass bio-mom, and (emotionally speaking) Stefan -- you, who had to separate from her brother to save that brother from life on this Hellmouth, cannot stand to wait alone, with Ric's corpse, hoping against hope that his ring hasn't completely lost all its mojo.
Bill's Ghost: Block them out, Cindy. Mind over matter. Mind over matter. Mind over matter.
Recapper: I'm trying, Bill. I'm mostly sorry you died, until I remember what you did to Caroline, but then I see how heartbroken Caroline is, and decide if she has forgiven you, who am I not to.
Bill's Ghost: Thank you. I think.
Matt: Come here, ladies, and get a big Pudding Pop hug. Guaranteed to cure what ails you.
Elena and Cindy: It's worth a shot.
Ric: *Still dead*
Woods, Night...
Stefan: You were right about bringing back Elijah.
Damon: I'm right about a lot of things.
Stefan: You could have left me there. Klaus would have killed me and you would have had Elena all to yourself.
Damon: I didn't do that on your account. Hold up. I have a phone call from our girlfriend, on whose account I did save your sorry ass, but I'm totally ignoring it, because while I've told her I will always choose her and I've promised I would never again leave her, I never said squat about taking every single one of her damned calls. What is it with girls and the phone, brother?
Stefan: I don't know, but a word of brotherly advice. Don't ever break Elena's cell phone. Just trust me on this one.
Crickets: *Cricketing*
Stefan: I love her, Damon.
Damon: So do I.
Recapper: And you both look so thrilled. Ain't love grand?
Fortress Forbes...
Liz: So I just watched my ex-husband die, which I might be cool with, because did you see what he did to my baby girl, when he found out she was a vampire? On the other hand, she feels really bad about losing him, so I am hurting for her. Now I've got Elena Gilbert on the phone, asking me if Meredith Fell could be responsible for attacking Alaric. Fell has an ironclad alibi. She has been in surgery with a room full of eye-witnesses, for six hours. Or, you know, so says the compelled person I spoke to, over the phone. I don't know who's responsible for this third attack on a member of the Council, but we just cleared our only suspect.
Gilbert Gables...
Ric: This news hits me so hard, I resurrect, although I'm choking on my own blood.
Elena: I will hold your hand.
Ric: That's sweet, but I was hoping for one of those hugs, from Pudding Pop.
Matt: I so gotta get out of this town.
Recapper: There are a lot of good schools in the Greater Boston area, Matt. If Alaric actually gets well enough to talk, you should ask him.
Back at the caves...
Damon: I hope the witches got the coffin open, especially since they seem to be unconscious or dead, right here at our feet.
Stefan: Still breathing. And the coffin is open.
Damon: And of course it's empty. Great job, you stupid witches.
And back at Klaus Haus...
Rebekah: Don't mind me. Now, I'm renovating. *Throws vase*
Vase: *Shatters*
Klaus: I just want us to be a big, happy family, you know, like we apparently never were.
Elijah: Don't worry. None of us will be alone, again, Klaus. Do you hear my italics-of-exclusion, when I said us?
Finn: You're staying behind, to ponder how my English is so perfect, even though, when you daggered me, it did not exist in its current form.
Rebekah: We're leaving you, Nik, as soon as I kill your wet nurse, to ensure you'll be alone -- always and forever, or at least until someone else from that damnable Petrova line pops out a doppelganger.
Klaus: If you run, I will hunt you all down.
Elijah: Then you'll become everything you hate -- our father. Notice my italics-of-exclusion around our?
Klaus: I'm the hybrid. I'm the hybrid. I'm the hybrid. I'm not scared of you.
Elijah: You will be, when we have that coffin.
Elijah: *Snivel*
Front Door: Someone is opening me.
Eloise Hawking, the Maybe not so Original Witch: *Strides in*
Rebekah: Mother!
Klaus: Hrrufferrumph hrrufurrrumph.
Eloise Hawking: Look at me. Do you know why I'm here?
Klaus: To kill me?
Eloise Hawking: Niklaus, you are my son, and I am here to forgive you, and to show off my mad Modern English skills, too.
Finn: Like mother, like son.
Klaus: ???!!!???
Eloise Hawking: *Gives the hairy eyeball to the rest of her spawn* I want us to be a family again.
Audience: That cannot be good.
Daniel Faraday: You're telling me.
And yeah, here's where I should insert some commentary, I suppose, but I can't. This episode really broke me, y'all, so I'm making a hasty retreat. Please grade the episode at the top of the page, and then come join us in the forum, where it's always a family affair.