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I've been keeping my husband, Scott, abreast of my attempts to put the et back in my recaplets and the wee back in my weecaps. At the end of "Smells Like Teen Spirit," he just looked at me and laughed. "Good luck with that, hon." Yeah. Thanks, babe. What is with this show? Every fricking episode is like a two-hour season finale crammed into a one hour slot. Feel free to laugh at me as I attempt to give you the "skinny."
Let's start with the ghost of one Miss Vicki Donovan. Since Matt "died" last week, she can now appear to him willy nilly and does. She manipulates him into performing a spell that will help anchor her to this world. He does and it works. She's somewhat corporeal now, although it's not clear anyone can see her, other than Matt (and Jeremy, who pretends not to). But he can not only see her, he can touch her and can feel it when she touches him. He can also feel it when she knocks him out with a monkey wrench, which she totally does.
Vicki made a deal with the Original Witch on the other side of the Great Divide. If Vicki could get Matt to pull her back with a spell, the Original Witch would give her a helpful push, provided Vicki would do her bidding in the land of the living. And the Original Witch? It seems she bid Vicki to kill Elena Gilbert, so that Klaus could no longer use her as his hybrid wet nurse, and thus the natural order of things would be restored. When Matt finally comes to, he runs to Bonnie, who is on the outs with the Germ, because of his little visits with Vicki and Anna. Matt and Bonnie set about to break Vicki's spell, and Matty's heart, and send Vicki back where she belongs.
Elena, Alaric and Damon have a plan to dose Stefan with vervain and hold him captive in ye olde Torture Emporium, until they can get Mikael the Vampire Vampire Slayer (MtVVS) to kill Klaus, which will free Stefan from his compulsion. Elena gets Stefan alone, and she takes a tipsy tumble off the top of the bleachers. Stefan, compelled by Klaus to protect Elena, Stealth-Salvatores to her rescue, and in that moment Alaric shoots him with vervain darts. They shove the unconscious Stefan in the back of Alaric's SUV. Elena gets in car. Alaric starts gathering his weapons, or possibly picking his belly button, and Vicki sets the whole gasoline doused car afire, with a lit cigarette, no less. Elena can't get out. I guess the Original Witch has enchanted the locks. Alaric tries to break a window, but he can't. As the car burns and fills with smoke, Elena rouses Stefan, who, even in his weakened state, is able to kick off the rear door of the SUV. Once Elena gets to safety, she insists that she and Alaric pull Stefan out, as well. Once they get him home, he's as much of a prick as he's been the entire episode (and he's been a giant one). When Stefan tells Elena she's pathetic, she counters that she's strong, and stakes him in the gut, courtesy of the training she's been getting from Alaric (and Damon).
As Alaric's car is burning, Matt and Bonnie complete their Vicki exorcism. She is mystically dragged from the scene of the crime back to the classroom where they're working their mojo. It's now only Matt is holding her here. Poor Pudding Pop has to let her go to banish her entirely, and watching him do so breaks my heart.
Vicki may be gone, for now at least, but whatever Ju-Ju Matt did also somehow makes Anna corporeal. She and Jeremy waste no time touching each other and boy is Bonnie going to be pissed. I can't spend too much time thinking about that though, because...
The spell somehow brought dead werewolf Uncle Mason Lockwood back, too. That's right. Brickhouse is back in all his glory and his first order of business is kicking Damon's ass. Poor Damon, just when he's trying to be good, someone as pretty as he shows up with a grudge.
Meanwhile, Tyler is acting like his old pre-werewolf, dick-self. Caroline finally calls him on it and explains he's been "sired" -- which in this mythology means he's his vampyric sire's willing slave. That's bad news, since Satan Klaus is said sire. Tyler promises Caroline he'll straighten up and fly right, as he hated his old self. Things seem well until Caroline leaves him for the night and Rebekah shows up with a pretty young thing for Tyler to feed on. He can't resist her pre-wounded neck, so it's not long before he's drinking deep.
Meanwhile, Katherine is still in MtVVS's crypt, trying to wake him with all different kinds of blood (mouse, human, you name it). The human blood does the trick, at least a little. But MtVVS is pissed, because he never drinks the blood of the living. You know what blood he favors? Vampire blood! He grabs hold of Kiki and plunges his fangs into her slender neck.
Yeah. That's about 1,000 words and yet there's so much more to tell. I'm going to get to telling it and will be back with the weecap, ASAP. In the meantime, please grade the episode up top and join us in the forum, where I'm hoping Buffy will show up and put some grrr in our girl, Elena.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Every time I think about Elena, I hear Angelus say, "To kill this girl, you have to love her. The Vampire Diaries isn't Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Elena Gilbert is not Buffy Summers, but I suspect those of you who watched BtVS see the connection forming in my mind (and please pardon the mess in there). For the sake of those who didn't watch BtVS, I'll keep this comparison brief. Elena may not have supernatural physical strength, but she loves with all her soul. "It's brighter than the fire." And? I've just deleted a four page rambling rant, because I realized I just told you I'd keep it brief, and besides -- I wasn't feeling the Elena and Buffy comparison. I kept trying to force a metaphor between those characters, when what I was really thinking about was The Vampire Diaries and Buffy the Vampire Slayer fandoms. Why? Well, the tenor of discussions I've been reading around the 'net grows ever more vitriolic. I'm too old for this. I always have been (although admittedly that didn't stop me when I was up to my neck in various shows). I'm just going to take a step up onto a very low soap box, gently murmur a little thing (three paragraphs, tops), hop right off, and get to the recap.
I learned something long ago and far away. If you are hooked on a show, but you find yourself hating real, live people (like, oh say, the writers) because they're not writing their characters the way you think they should, you have some rational options. The easiest? Stop watching, and the pain will go away. Selfishly speaking, I don't want you to stop watching, and not just because my readership will disappear. I don't want you to stop watching, because if you do, my show will disappear. I love this wild ride. I don't love it blindly, but love it I do.
If you don't want to stop watching, but find you're furious all the time, perhaps a little self-inventory is in order. Do you spoil yourself for upcoming episodes? I ask, because to a person, the angriest fans I've ever known -- in any fandom -- were those who read spoilers. Wait, the angriest fans I've ever known were those 'shippers who read spoilers. There's a significant crossover between spoiler-seekers and 'shippers. And I get that. I have lived it. A pairing captures your imagination and you get invested in them. The writers want that. The actors want that. On its face, investment in a fictional character or romance is a good thing. But when it gets to the point that you're angry all the time, wishing ill on non-fictional humans, and hating anyone who likes story elements you dislike, we're no longer talking investment. We're talking over-investment.
I can't stress enough that I HAVE BEEN THERE, with more than one show. There's no blame. Only love. If you're currently seething, here's what I hope you take away from this -- and you're sharp people, so you already know it. Watching TV is supposed to entertain. Remember? Posting on the internet about TV shows is an optional leisure activity -- a diversion. Remember? If you're not having fun, you're doing it...wrong. Either the material is wrong for you, or you are choosing to interact with the fandom in ways that do not work for you. If you want to keep watching and keep having fun (and I hope that's what you want), try giving up the spoilers for a couple of months. Try taking characters and storylines as they come, rather than spending hours per week trying to prove pet opinions are facts. Just take a breath. Have a glass of wine. Put your feet up. Eat something yummy. And let go. You will feel better. I have proven this to myself, multiple times. I started avoiding spoilers when I started writing for TWoP, because I didn't want to inadvertently spoil my readers. Happiness was my unexpected and totally welcome side-effect. I wish the same for you. And really, The Vampire Diaries is like New England weather. If you don't like it, wait five minutes and it will change. Done now. You ready? Okay!
Previously on The Vampire Diaries: Matt drowns himself and has Bonnie CPR him back to life so he too can see Vicki. Anna warns the Fellowship of the Falls about Mikael the Vampire Vampire Slayer (MtVVS). Tyler is Klaus's first successful hybrid. Damon tells Elena, "Stefan is gone, and he's not coming back." Elena tells Stefan he can "fight it." Stefan sneers. "Why, because I love you?" Elena yells, "That's right, Stefan, because you love me." Klaus evokes Stefan's inner Ripper. Klaus tells Stefan the only thing stronger than his bloodlust is his love for Elena, and tells him to turn it off. Elena looks on in horror. "What did you do?" Klaus: "I fixed him."
Gilbert Gables, Elena's room, 5:15 AM: Elena wakes before her alarm, goes to the mirror and looks at the fang marks on her neck. She makes a half-hearted attempt to cover them with makeup. In the hall, she bids a visibly hungover Alaric a good morning.
Woods: Alaric is training Elena to fight vampires. He demonstrates, on a stuffed dummy, how to use his handy-dandy stake ejecto-bracelet. When you punch hard enough, the force triggers the stake to eject into its target. Elena thinks her ejecto-bracelet is jammed. Alaric says that's not the problem. "You're not strong enough. Better start lifting some weights. Put some meat on your bones." He then pulls the pin on a vervain grenade and tosses it to Elena who has to throw it away before it explodes in their faces. Alaric's point? "The element of surprise is your only advantage when it comes to a vampire." Elena scolds Alaric for making light of her desire to train. Alaric: "You think I'm joking? Vampires will take whatever they want. They will hurt whoever they want, and they will do it without remorse. It's their nature." Elena: "You don't have to use pronouns. You can say Stefan." Honey, he means all of them, even Damon, who is currently your off-white knight.
Alaric knows she's trying to keep from getting hurt again. Elena: "You think I'm crazy -- to believe I can protect myself from a vampire who's flipped the switch on his humanity." Alaric: "I think you found a way to get out of bed this morning, and that makes you the strongest person I know. I think that you can do -- pretty much anything." I love that. He hands her back the stake ejecto-bracelet. When Alaric walks off, Elena contemplates the device and then nods as if to encourage herself. And show, I already soap-boxed all over the viewers, so now I have some suds for you. Watch Buffy season 6, then go back on the TWoP boards from that time and read the complaints about the character Buffy. Even if your heroine has been through the most hellacious things imaginable, you can't have her walking around depressed all the time. She needs to retain her pluck, her spunk, and her smarts. And? Even if she loves brighter than the fire -- you can't have her behaving practically suicidal. Oh, fans may feel bad for her at first, but after a while it is alienating. Did you ever try to connect with a clinically depressed person -- in real life, writers? You work in the biz. Of course you have. You know, right, that it's damned near impossible, because the clinically depressed person cannot connect. The same is true for viewers and fictional characters. Tell whatever stories you want, but if you want us to invite you into our living rooms every week, your characters have to be people who don't shut us out. Title card.
MFHS: It's the first day of school. Bonnie, Caroline and Elena survey the crowd. It's their senior year. Caroline is the perpetual cheerleader, saying they have to accept that Senior Prank Night was a bust, and move on. Try telling that to Chad and Dana, Show. Sheeesh. Bonnie grumbles about Jeremy's visitations from Anna and Vicki. Caroline grumbles about Tyler being turned into a hybrid. They both try to pretend they're not going to let these issues ruin senior year. Elena trails behind. When she speaks, her voice is but a whisper. "Today's our anniversary." When Care Bear and Bonnie turn to face her, she adds, "Technically, Stefan and I met on the first day of school last year." Caroline: "Yeah. You win." Bonnie: "Are you sure you want to be here?" Elena: "I have to be here. I have to put it behind me. New year, new life." She nods to herself, much as she did in the woods, and marches forth. Caroline and Bonnie follow suit.
Mossy Manse: Stefan has left two corpses in the foyer at the foot of the stairs. And he's playing a bloody twisted game of Twister with three more young female chew toys. All of these women -- dead and alive -- are brunette. Damon snarks that the two dead ones in the hall owe him a Persian rug. Stefan corrects Damon -- they owe them both a new rug. "It's my house, too, brother." Now I correct Stefan. "No, it's Elena's house. You deeded it to her last season." Damon changes the subject and asks if bloody twisted Twister is what Klaus had in mind for Stefan when he compelled him to protect Elena. Has he been compelled to suppress his Ripper instincts, too? I only ask, because while this is all sick and twisted, it's hardly like Stefan is bingeing such that he's soon going to black out and tear his victims from limb to limb. Stefan says, "These ladies are helping me be all that I can be." Like the Army? Damon sneers, but doesn't get to say anything, because there's a knock at the door.
Rebekah trots right in when Damon answers the door and complains to Stefan that Klaus left her in Mystic Falls. Now, remember I just said it's Elena's house? How come Rebekah can enter without an invite from Elena? I'm pretty sure Katherine got in at the end of last season, too. People on the boards are speculating that when Elena died, her death opened the house to vampires. I think they're probably right, but I don't think that's been addressed on screen. Also? I don't like it. The show's invite mythology is getting far too complicated. I mean, if a vampire entered while Elena was dead, and could enter thereafter, I could be on board with that. But when Rebekah shows up at the door right now -- Elena is alive. I'll stop, because I'm just making myself cranky, but I do think it would have been hilarious if Rebekah had slammed up against an invisible barrier.
Anyhow, Rebekah is making herself at home despite Stefan making it clear she's not wanted. He tells her she's not staying there, and Damon's expression says much the same thing. Rebekah tells them they're rude and swans off upstairs. Stefan: "Well, I guess she's staying here." Damon nods as the contempt spreads across his face.
MFHS Corridor: Jeremy spots Bonnie in the halls and says, "So uh, it's not cool to talk to juniors anymore?" Okay, this is a technically a weecap (technically, I think I've already overused technically), so I don't have time to research, but the timeline is bothering me. The first two seasons of the show covered one school year. I'm fine with that. School is less central to this show than it was to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and I'm down with that choice. That said, I'm pretty sure that in Season 1, one of the writers told me Vicki and Tyler were seniors, Elena, Caroline, Bonnie and Matt were juniors, and Jeremy was a freshman. Does anyone remember that? If you can find proof (or set me straight), please shoot me an email. I don't really care if they're retconning Jeremy's grade (or Tyler's for that matter), but I would like to know if that's happened, so that I don't spend any more time thinking about it.
Anyhow, Bonnie wishes Germ a happy first day of school in a tone that would leave the entire population of Ecuador frostbitten. She's not crazy about sharing space in their relationship with Vicki and Anna. Germ says he hasn't talked to Vicki in a while, and says he had to talk to Anna to get information they needed. He really did, Bonnie. Katherine kidnapped him and stuck him in a car trunk. She's not listening. She tells Jeremy to put himself in her shoes. "You loved both of them. And you guys didn't break up. They died. And you keep letting them back in." Germ's laughter betrays his guilt and I'm suddenly sorry I spoke in his defense. "Hurrr hurrrr you think I want any of this?" Bonnie looks away from him as she shuts her locker and after taking a moment, turns to face him again. "I uh... I think you have the power to decide whether or not you see them. Remember that." She walks away and then looks at him over her shoulder. "Okay?"
MFHS Parking Lot: Matt sits in his truck looking at all the students wandering toward school when Vicki pops in. He was thinking about their first day last year. "I was worried about running into Elena and you said..." Vicki finishes his sentence. "Suck it up. Be a man, and show her what she's missing." Matt adds, "Yeah. Instead, she met a vampire." When Vicki asks if he's okay, he says life is a lot to deal with, with her gone and their mom not around. They confess they miss each other, and then Vicki asks, "What if I told you there was a way that you could help me come back?" Before she can explain what she means, Tyler walks up and bangs on Matt's truck door. Vicki disappears. When Matt gets out of the truck, Ty asks if he was talking to himself. Matt changes the subject. "What's got you in such a good mood?" Tyler: "We're seniors, man. Life is good." Is it just me, or has hybridism made him a little 'roid rage-y again?
Mikael's Crypt: Katherine is dangling a mouse over Mikael the Vampire Vampire Slayer (MtVVS), but he's not tempted enough to even stir. He doesn't wake when she yells at him to wake, either. Damon calls and scolds her for not taking his calls for two days. Thanks to Germ, he knows she found MtVVS. Katherine complains that MtVVS has refused to wake for any number of treats. "And I've tried everything. Grave diggers. Mourners. Mice. Rats. Bats. He's just not interested." Damon tells her to try harder. "We need him to kill Klaus so I can de-Ripper-fy Stefan -- before he destroys the house." Katherine spots a fresh mourner visiting a nearby grave and says, "Fine. I'll give it another shot." What a team player.
MFHS Corridor: As Elena arrives at her locker, her phone rings. It's Damon. "So... you might not want to come here for a while. We have a new housemate -- Barbie Klaus." Oh look, Damon. You dubbed Caroline Vampire Barbie, a nickname I've used ever so cheerfully, but they can't all be Barbie X or X Barbie. It's cheap and derivative. He ignores me and tells Elena that Klaus ditched Rebekah, "After I name-dropped Mikael." Elena asks what Stefan is up to. "Oh, you know Stefan. Journaling. Reading. Shaping his hair." Heh. Elena knows he's blowing smoke up her arse. Damon doesn't want to have this conversation with her, so he says, "Oh was that the bell? Ding ding. Don't want to be late," and hangs up.
Elena notices Caroline putting up posters announcing the Spirit Squad's annual Bonfire. Elena forgot about it. Caroline insists she has to go. "It's our first Spirit Squad event and it sets the tone for the whole year." Elena tells her to relax. She'll be there. They're interrupted when Tyler walks over and lays a wet one on Caroline. As Elena is averting her eyes, she notices a spot on Ty's shirt. "Is that blood?" Caroline and Elena hustle him into the boys' bathroom, where Caroline lectures: "Vampire 101 -- don't wear your breakfast to school." Tyler: "Chill out. It was just a blood bag. [...] Rebekah hooked me up." Caroline is rightfully all, "Rebekah?! And what are you even talking to her for?" Tyler: "Klaus told her to keep a watch on me -- protect his new asset." Tyler crows about being the first successful hybrid. "Don't you think that's the tiniest bit awesome?" In the background, Elena looks like she's been punched in the gut. In the foreground, Caroline is all, "OH WOW. I cannot believe you just said that." As though she's fighting back the urge to hurl, Elena excuses herself. Forget the Stefan-of-it-all, for a minute. Do either Tyler or Caroline remember that Jenna was killed during the ritual that freed Klaus's werewolf side, thus enabling him to create hybrids? Hell, Elena herself was killed. She is only back because her Uncle Daddy sacrificed his life for hers.
It doesn't matter. Elena is out in the hallway, heading for another round of emotional sucker punches, as Stefan deliberately bumps into her. He's there to "protect" her for all values of "protect" that equal "harass." When she tries to walk away, Stefan grabs her. He won't let go, even when she insists. Alaric sees what's happening and approaches. "Let her go." Stefan complies, but then he shoves Alaric up against the lockers. His hand is near Alaric's throat, but he doesn't truly throttle him. Can this be The Vampire Diaries without the trademark throttle? Elena tries to get Stefan to let go of Alaric and stop making a scene. Stefan warns Alaric: "You're not going to want to...get in my way. You hear me?" He pats Alaric on the arm and lets him go. As he walks off down the hall, Stefan says, "I will see you both in history." Why don't they stake him? Okay, I know, because there would be no show. But that's another level on which this Ripper storyline is problematic. If Stefan is full-blown, the Fellowship of the Falls should be trying to kill him. If he's not (and he's arguably not) then what was all that humanity switch-flicking last week? Is he faking everyone out, even the Fellowship, so that he can truly protect Elena? If so, does he have to be quite so cruel to be kind?
Classroom: Elena and Alaric are alone. She's catching him up on Stefan, her Ripper Bodyguard. She insists they have to do something, because having him in school is good for none of them. Caroline enters class and sits at Elena's left. Then Stefan comes in and boots another student from Elena's right. "You're in my seat." Alaric welcomes the seniors back and introduces his topic, this country's original founders (he means inhabitants, because he's only a history teacher so he doesn't have a good working definition of "country"). Just then Rebekah saunters in, takes a seat in the first row and asks "What about the Vikings?" Alaric says there's no evidence Viking explorers settled here and asks who she is. "My name's Rebekah. I'm new and history is my favorite subject." Elena sends Alaric urgent eye telegraphs that read, "EVIL EVIL SHE IS EVIL!!!"
MFHS Exterior, Stoner Pit: The camera pans past a VW bus covered in peace signs, hears, flowers, smiley faces -- you name it. I mean, the '70s are looking for a royalty check. Matt arrives and it's not long before Vicki shows up and tells him he has no business in the stoner pit. He wants to know what she meant about helping her come back. She explains that she can only "come back" when he's thinking about her, but he can change that. "I know this sounds crazy, but I have help from the other side." Matt says, "The other side?" Just then, Jeremy walks out a stoner-pit-adjacent door and hollers, "Dude, what are you doing over here?" Vicki smiles at the Germ, but Jeremy only looks at Matt and says he's just looking for his stoner lab partner. As he looks around, he never makes eye contact with Vicki and then tells Matt he'll see him around. Once he's gone, Matt turns to a clearly confused Vicki. "Can he not see you anymore?'
MFHS Bathroom: Jeremy tells Anna Matt was talking to Vicki right in the open. "When he died and came back, he must have started seeing her. She said she could come back -- that she had help on the other side." Anna wonders what kind of help. We cut to the...
Stoner Pit: Vicki tells Matt, "The witch I've been talking to says there's a ritual. She can do magic from my side that can push me over to yours."
MFHS Bathroom: Jeremy asks if it's possible. "Could she come back?" Anna figures if Vicki has a stronger foothold, she might be able to.
Stoner Pit: Vicki tells Matt pretty much the same thing and that she'll be able to come and go as she chooses. Matt: "But you'll still be a ghost, Vick." Vicki: "In a town full of vampires, werewolves and witches. I'll fit right in." She also says no one else will be able to see her.
MFHS Bathroom: Anna reminds Germ that Vicki is bad news. "There's nothing but darkness around her." Jeremy insists Vicki isn't a bad person. Anna cautions him against thinking Vicki can upset the balance of nature without a price. "If she's using a witch's energy from the other side, you don't know what price she's agreed to pay."
Stoner Pit: Vicki says she can be a part of this life again, instead of being all alone. "You won't have to be alone either." This hits Matt where he lives. He walks closer to her and asks, "What do I have to do?"
MFHS Football Field, After School: The football players and cheerleaders are practicing. When one of the cheerleaders asks if anyone has seen Dana, Caroline looks the other way. Just then, Becky Badass walks up and says it looks like there's an opening on the squad. Caroline tells her she can't infiltrate all their lives. Rebekah: "I'm only interested in yours. Your spark. Your popularity. Maybe even your boyfriend."
Meanwhile, when the coach comes down on the players, Tyler decides to test drive his compulsion powers. "Shut the hell up, so we can go get drunk at the bonfire." When the coach dismisses the team, Caroline goes to Tyler and tells him he has to be more subtle. He snarks at her and calls her the Queen of Subtlety. Tyler is acting very much like his old, unlikable self. The couple bickers until Tyler's attention is drawn to Rebekah showing off her physical prowess to the cheerleaders. Caroline is not amused.
Elena is jogging around the track because...that will put meat on her bones? Okay, I know. It's conditioning. Still, it's just funny to see her doing it. Shaddup. Yes. That's because I only ever run if I'm being chased by a bear. Stefan's in his gym clothes too, and catches up to her. He asks if she's going to the bonfire. When she tells him to leave her alone he says, "You think I'm annoying now? Wait 'til Homecoming. Hey, who you bringing by the way? I don't want it to be weird." Oh it won't, asshat. She'll just bring your brother. Have you seen them dance? I should note here that I really like Stefan (and Stefan/Elena). But he's ticking me off in this episode (as he should be) so I'm not going to pretend he isn't.
Elena reverses directions to try and get away from Stefan, but he just runs backwards. When Elena accidentally bumps into another boy running on the track, that boy immediately apologizes, and then Stefan throws him onto the field and yells, "Watch it, dick." Elena looks at him. "Who are you?" Stefan: "I'm the guy who's been assigned to protect the human blood bag." He waits a beat, and then... "No offense." Elena shakes her head and walks away. Stefan walks after her. The music ends. He calls out, "What?" Heh.
MtVVS's Crypt: Kiki dangles a bleeding human over MtVVS's face until some of the blood gets in his mouth. The color comes back to MtVVS's face and his eyes pop open. He yells at Katherine to, "Get it away." She finally tosses off the corpse and tells MtVVS she remembers him from Chicago in the 1920s -- when he was looking for Klaus. MtVVS closes his eyes. Katherine says, "You're not so scary for a badass vampire vampire hunter.
Gilbert Gables: Elena is lying on the bench lifting free weights when Damon finds her. "What -- are you going to bench press a vampire?" Elena: "Do you understand what's happening right now? Stefan called me a human blood bag. He's a completely different person." As she struggles to complete a rep, Damon pushes down on the dumbbell. When she asks what he's doing, he says he's helping her out. "Come on, Buffy!" Thank you, Evil Pixie Monster. When she gives up, he places the weight back on the stand. Elena: "Like one obnoxious Salvatore isn't enough." I know, right? Damon says, "You called. I'm here. What's your plan, oh warrior princess?" Elena wants to lock up Stefan until MtVVS can kill Klaus and the compulsion breaks. Damon says even once the compulsion is gone, they're going to have to deal with a Stefan who has been high on a lot of human blood. "It's not a stint in rehab, Elena. His humanity is gone. Lights out. No one's home." Elena grits her teeth. "Then do it for me, Damon. Every single time I look at him, I feel like I'm going to break, and I'm not going to give him that satisfaction." As you well know, "Do it for me, Damon," are Elena's magic words. I've seen people mad at her for this, but I think Stefan frigging out to be locked up and can't believe Damon didn't make that his job one. I mean, now with Rebekah in town and staying in Mossy Manse, he probably wouldn't be locked up for long, but I can't figure out why Damon didn't vervain Stefan and stick him in the dungeon as soon as he strolled back into Mossy Manse -- especially since he strolled back into Mossy Manse on the very night he killed Chad and Dana, and then fed off Elena.
When Damon doesn't respond, Elena starts to turn away from him. He grabs her hand and places it on his chest, rubs it around, raises my temperature, and explains that the sternum is a solid plate of bone. He swings her around so her back is pressed up against him, and moves his left hand to the left side of her (exposed) waist. "And right here, just below the ribcage, to the spine -- that's your way to a vampire's heart." Oh Damon, Elena knows the way to a vampire's heart. Oh. You meant actual blood pumping organ. Excuse my confusion, but surely you understand it, what with all the whispering in her hair and heavy breathing (is that me -- well yeah, but it's Elena, too). He takes his hand off her waist, but keeps his cheek pressed up against her ear. "I'll do whatever it is you need me to do, Elena." When he pulls back, he lets his face skim the back of her hair. Once he's facing her, he says, "No one's going to hurt you -- especially not my brother." Oh for heaven's sake, just kiss her already. Commercial. Wait. Yeah, I know it's dirty bad wrong. That's what I'm looking for!
Okay, I don't know where the hell this bonfire is. I just want to clear that up right now. It seems to me that the first party we had in the pilot episode, was not school adjacent. It was at the Falls, right? Well, this setting sort of looks like that, but then it also sort of looks like it's probably on wooded school grounds. The kids walk by a Mystic Falls School District school bus on their way to get tanked and light a fire in the middle of the frakking woods, so here's what I'm pretending.... The actual bonfire is somewhere safe on school grounds -- and there are adults present, maybe even some representatives of the Fire Department, and everything is above board. Then, I'm also pretending that there's a lame-ass little camp fire in the woods -- and that's where the keg and drunken students are, because otherwise... WHAT? How does the frickin' Spirit Squad get to host and advertise a keg party at which drunken minors play with fire? It makes the show too dumb to live, and Mommy's adding a new series this week (Once Upon A Time, check it out) and has already written about 5,500 words on this here show, when she has slightly more than a half hour left to cover.
So, while many MFHS students gather with their flames and their red Solo cups full of intoxicating goodness, and they're necking and doing keg stands and what not, Elena, Damon, Alaric and Caroline are meeting in Alaric's classroom. Elena will lure Stefan away from the bonfire and once he's distracted, Alaric will shoot him. Damon asks if Bonnie can't just ju-ju him. Elena is trying to keep Bonnie out of this because she's afraid Stefan will hurt her. Wait. Bonnie can give him a mystical migraine, right? I'd be much more afraid Stefan would hurt Alaric, because while Alaric has the protect-o ring, it's not like Stefan can't pull it off and then kill him. Whatever. Caroline will make sure the old Forbes' jail cell a.k.a. the Torture Emporium is ready for Stefan. Damon's job is to keep Rebekah out of the way. He asks, "How? She's an Original. Last time I checked, we're out of daggers." Elena tells him to use his charm. Alaric deadpans: "Might have better luck finding the dagger." Hee! Damon: "Are you never not going to be mad at me, Ric?" Alaric: "Doubtful." Aw, poor Damon. (He totally deserves it.)
Tyler joins the gang and apologizes for being late. When he learns his job is to get his mother's vervain stash so that they can keep Stefan down for a while, Tyler says they can't do that to Stefan. Elena says it is ultimately in Stefan's best interest. Tyler tilts his head. "But it's not in Klaus's best interest." Caroline reminds Ty that Klaus is the bad guy and asks why he's acting like a "freaky hybrid slave minion." That's probably because that's what he is, Care Bear. As Tyler blathers about how Klaus made him what he is and how much he owes Klaus, Damon sidles up to Alaric's desk and grabs a vervain dart or the like. When Tyler turns his back to leave the uncomfortable situation, Damon Stealth-Salvatores up behind him and plunges the dart into his back.
Once Tyler collapses, Damon explains his actions. "He's been sired. [...] He feels loyal to Klaus, because Klaus's blood created him." Okay, I'm fine with supernatural shows creating their own mythology. What I'm not fine with is them redefining words. You wanna call Tyler "Sire whipped" or "sire enthralled" or whatever? I'm right there with you. But "siring" is the same as "turning." I mean, you're not calling stakes shoe laces. Don't futch with the meaning of words, Show. Anyhow, Damon continues to explain the writers' really bad choice of terms and Tyler's loyalty to Klaus. "He'll seek acceptance from his master. It's really rare, but maybe not so much with hybrids." Couldn't Damon have said Tyler has been mastered? Sorry. Letting go now. What did I say about a glass of wine and some yummy food. That's what I'm prescribing for me, now. Caroline looks up at Damon and says, "So, how do I fix him?" Damon smirks. "Get a new boyfriend." Oh no, Elena. He didn't mean you to hear that. Not at all.
Keg Party: Rebekah is having trouble pumping the keg, so Stefan walks up and helps her. She was hoping Tyler would be there. When Stefan gives her crap about being fickle, Rebekah says, "When you're willing to give me the time of day again, then we'll talk. Until then, a girl has needs." Just then, Elena saunters up, fills up her cup, snarks at Stefan and sucks down a beer. When he reminds her she's a lightweight and ought to take it easy, Elena laughs. "Oh really? You think I'm going to let a blood addict remind me how to drink." Atta girl!
Donovan Domicile: Matt lights a bunch of candles and lays the holiday photo of himself and Vicki in the middle of them. As Vicki tells him to concentrate on her, he slices open his palm and lets the blood dribble on the picture. MATT BLOOD MAGIC IS TRES BAD! Vicki tells him this is all good and blah blah and then says, "Now, say you accept me." Matty, have you never watched one horror flick or supernatural show, or heck, even read one Stephen King book in your whole life? You can't say shit like that!!! He doesn't listen. "I accept you." Book pages start turning by themselves. The candles flare. The picture starts to smoke. A door slams. When Matt turns around, he bumps into Vicki and they both feel it. She puts her hands to his face and he feels that too. They hug.
MFHS Corridor: Bonnie is pissed that Jeremy talked to Anna about what he knows about Vicki. When he mentions that Vicki's communicating with some super strong witch, Bonnie tells him off. Anna appears and tells Jeremy to tell Bonnie not to be upset. "I was just trying to help." Jeremy turns his attention away from Bonnie and says, "Not now, Anna." Bonnie has had it. She tells him she can't deal and starts to walk away. "Matt's trying to resurrect his dead sister. I think I'll go deal with that, instead."
Donovan Domicile: Vicki revels in being able to feel everything. Matt wants to know about Vicki's deal with the witch. Vicki: "If I want to stay here, I have to help her restore the balance." Vicki picks up a monkey wrench and turns to face her brother. "Klaus's hybrids can't be allowed to survive." Matt says she can't kill Tyler. Vicki: "Not Tyler, Matt. It's Elena who is the key to creating the hybrids." When he tries to stop her from leaving, Vicki clocks him in the head with the wrench and knocks him out. "I'm sorry, Matty, but I want to stay."
Keg Party: Elena tries to fake it 'til she makes it. She smiles as she cheers on a keg stand -- until she sees Stefan watching her from across the way. She raises her cup to him, chugs and smirks. Elsewhere, Damon starts flirting with Rebekah, and there's this whole big thing with gooey, roasted marshmallows, and finger licking but I've got to fly through this. Imagine it's all Evil Pixie Monster flirtatious. Elena is not so happy when she sees Damon with Rebekah and that does not escape Stefan's notice. He comes up beside her and rubs it in about Damon having his flirt on. Elena lies that she's not jealous, but Stefan insists she is and that Damon would be thrilled. She chugs the rest of her cup, tosses it at Stefan, and then walks off.
Meanwhile, Bonnie is on the phone with Matt, and he's telling her he messed up. As this happens, some guy randomly lays his cigarette down on the windshield of a car. Vicki walks by and picks it up. Okay, if no one can see Vicki, do they just see a cigarette floating in mid-air? Clean up your mythology, show. Please.
Damon makes Rebekah a S'more and there's more flirty-wirty nonsense. There's no flies on Becky, though. She stands. "You're distracting me. Why?" When Damon replies that he's trying to be a good housemate, Rebekah puts her hand on his shoulder. "There's never a fair fight between us, Damon." She then takes her marshmallow roasting stick and plunges it into his tummy. "Remember that." As she walks off, Damon collapses back down onto the log on which they were sitting, and struggles to pull out the stick.
Lockwood Mansion: When Tyler wakes up on his couch he asks Caroline how he got there. She tells him she brought him there because he was being a, "D-bag." When she explains the show's lame-ass use of "siring," Tyler argues that he's no one's pet. Caroline wants to know what's come over him then, because he's acting like the old, obnoxious pre-werewolf him, with whom she would never be friends. Ty apologizes. He doesn't want to be that guy. "I hated that guy." Me too, brother. Caroline cautions him about being careful, because vampyrism heightens a person's emotions. He promises he will. "Everything I like about me -- is you." Awww. They smooch. They have sex. Blah blee bloo.
Bleachers: Stefan finds Elena who is drunk or making a good show of it. He wants to take her home. She says she'll find her car. He tells her she must be joking. She calls him the fun police and then climbs over the bannister on the bleachers, and keeps faking like she's going to fall off. Once she finally falls, Stefan Stealth-Salvatores to her rescue. When he catches her, it's all very hot breath and lingering glances, much like her training session with Damon. As Stefan puts her back on her feet, Elena says, "I knew you'd catch me." It's then that Alaric shoots him twice in the back with vervain darts. Once Stefan is down, Alaric approaches Elena. "Are you okay?" She says she's fine. Alaric says, "You look...uh...not sober." Pot. Kettle. Blee bloo. Elena says all that matters is that the plan worked. "Let's get him out of here." Commercial.
Elena and Alaric shove the unconscious Stefan in the back of Alaric's SUV. Elena gets in car. Alaric starts gathering his weapons, or possibly picking his belly button, and Vicki sets the whole gasoline doused car afire, with that magically floating lit cigarette, no less. Now Vicki is in the car. She apologizes to Elena, but even though Jeremy can see dead people because he died, and Matt can see dead people, because he died, Elena the supernatural doppelganger cannot see people, even though she died. Sorry, Vicki. She wasn't thinking about you, even when you were here. Also? Elena can't get out of the car. I guess the Original Witch has enchanted the locks. Alaric tries to break a window, but he can't. As the car burns and fills with smoke, Elena rouses Stefan, who, even in his weakened state, is able to kick off the rear door of the SUV. Once Elena gets to safety, she insists that she and Alaric pull Stefan out, as well.
During all this, Bonnie and Matt are trying to reverse the spell that Matt did that let Vicki out, so Bonnie can send her back. As Alaric's car is burning, Matt and Bonnie complete their Vicki exorcism. She is mystically dragged from the scene of the crime back to the classroom where they're working their mojo. It's now only Matt who is holding her here. Poor Pudding Pop has to let her go to banish her entirely, and watching him do so breaks my heart. And yes, I did largely plagiarize myself for the last two paragraphs. Look, we're at triple weecap length and counting. I do need to stop and eat every once in a while.
Mossy Manse: Despite Elena's protests, Damon tends to the wounds on Elena's face. As he does, she compliments him on executing his part of the plan. "You had Rebekah drooling all over you...and your marshmallows." Damon chuckles. "Yeah, before she skewered me. I thought you were too drunk to notice." Elena: "I was faking most of it." Damon: "So was I." Elena's eyes light up at that. Damon meets her gaze. They're interrupted by Alaric. "Ready to go, Elena?" Damon turns to his ex-friend. "Good work tonight, Ric. Sorry about the car, man. Bummer." Sorry, Evil Pixie Monster. Alaric cannot be had for the price of a few pretty words and some soft eye-thinging.
Lockwood Mansion: Caroline dresses and Tyler wraps his hindquarters in a blanket, as he teases her about always running out on him after. She tells him he has to earn the overnighter. They kiss goodbye and Caroline takes her leave. No sooner is she gone than Rebekah is at the door with "a little present." That little present is a young woman, bleeding from the neck. The woman is either Asian, or African-American, or perhaps a mix -- so on this show, you know she's dead. She should only be magical, too. Tyler is horrified. He tells Becky she should go, but once she taunts him and bites into her victim du jour, our baby hybrid cannot resist.
MtVVS's Crypt: MtVVS explains to Kiki that he's been denying himself human blood for centuries, and then asks why she has awoken him. She wants to know how to kill Satan Klaus. MtVVS asserts he can indeed kill Klaus and asks her to loosen him from his chains. Kiki complies. MtVVS rubs the kinks out of his arms as he thanks her. Katherine says, "A little blood will grease those muscles up real quick. Just sayin'..." When MtVVS says, "I don't feed on living things," Kiki asks him what he does eat. He grabs her by the scruff of her neck, draws him to her and sucks her blood 'til she falls limp. She can't be dead, right? She'd have to be staked, beheaded, or burnt. Drain her blood and she'll come back. Right? RIGHT?!
Mossy Manse: On their way out, Elena encourages Alaric to be friends with Damon again. Alaric's not having any, thanks. Before they get out the door, they meet up with Stefan who acknowledges they got him tonight. "I wasn't expecting that." Alaric says that was the plan. Okay. WHY have they not re-vervained him? Seriously? Also, how did Stefan come to -- so quickly? Has he been vervaining himself and faking compulsion? Anyhow, Stefan asserts that no matter what they think of him, Elena needs him to keep her safe. When Alaric and Elena shake their heads and make to go, Stefan asks Elena to wait. Once Alaric is out of (our) view, Stefan asks why they saved him from the burning car. Elena says, "Because I still have hope." Stefan: "After everything I've done, you -- you still think I'll be able to find my humanity again." Elena does. "I know who you really are -- better than anyone, Stefan." Oh, seriously? Once she adds, "And I'm not giving up," Stefan stares her down. "Elena, do you have any idea how pathetic that makes you?' Elena shakes her head. "No Stefan." A beat. "It makes me strong." She grits her teeth and punches him in the gut -- hard enough that her stake ejecto-bracelet discharges. As Stefan falls to his knees in pain, Elena removes the device from her wrist and hands it to Alaric, who -- apparently -- has been at the door all this time. After she disappears from view, Alaric looks at Stefan with the satisfied smile of a proud papa.
Gilbert Gables: Jeremy is leaving a voice mail for Bonnie, who is dodging his calls. After he hangs up, Anna appears and says, "I shouldn't be here. [...] Why are you thinking about me when you're calling her?" The Germ says, "I didn't think I was. I mean look...I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing, Anna. The problem is -- I don't think I can stop thinking about you." It's okay, Germ. I truly believe it's possible to be in love with two people at the same time -- so does your sister. Anna's smile is soft. "I can't stop thinking about you, either." When she sits on the bed to him, Jeremy asks, "What are we gonna do?" Anna holds up her hand, waiting for him to touch it. Jeremy laughs and then raises his. But when he touches her, not only does she feel it -- he feels it. They look at each other -- shocked -- and then Jeremy laces his fingers between those of his dead girlfriend.
Mossy Manse: Damon is rolling up blood-stained carpet and otherwise cleaning his Oscar-y brother's mess. Something whooshes through the room and knocks a vase to the floor. When it shatters, poor Felix-y Damon has just about had it. He calls out Stefan and tells him to keep it up. As Damon starts to clean up the mess, something picks him up and throws him in the air and across the room. Is it Stefan? OH NO! It is Mason "Uncle Brick House" Lockwood. Back in the flesh, or nearly so. I say he's a ghost called back by Matt and/or Bonnie's spell. My friend, Brooke, says he's a hybrid Klaus was able to reanimate with just drops of doppelganger blood. Either way, who cares? Can he be nekkid and in chains again, sometime soon? Please, Show? I promise I'll forget all that "sire" crap. Brick House is with me. He looks at Damon, who is losing consciousness, and says, "This is going to be fun." He's mighty mighty, just letting it all hang out.
Okee dokee, artichokees. I'm outta here and onto my gig. If you can answer that character/school grade question (or just want to say hi), please send me an e-mail at CynthiaMcLennan[at]gmail.com. In the meantime, please grade the episode up top and join us in the forum, where I'm hoping Buffy will show up and put some more grrr in our girl, Elena.
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