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Yesterday, I tweeted to Julie Plec and Kevin Williamson that I hope they're giving Nina Dobrev a Christmas vacation on a private island. If only I could turn back time. I mean... how embarrassing! Who says stuff like that to TV writers? Had I any pride, any sense of decorum, I never would have done that. I should have said: an all expenses-paid Christmas vacation, amirite?
How many plots in "Katerina" feature Ms. Dobrev? Let's see: she plays the human Katerina Petrova, giving birth while crying and pleading in fricking Bulgarian. She plays Katerina trying to pass as a Brit, before finally killing herself to initiate her transition into a vampire. She plays modern-day Katerina/Katherine, mouldering away in ye olde tomb. And? She plays our girl, Elena Gilbert (opposite her Katherine), who is already a deliciously and fully conceived character. As much as I ooh and ah over this show's eye-candy of the male variety, it's Elena's story that grabs me week after week. With all apologies to Lucia, Cleolinda Jones and probably a thousand other women I've met online in the past decade or so, I am a heroine addict, and Ms. Dobrev gives her all -- and three other people's all, too -- to her roles, every week.
"Katerina" is all about Katherine's backstory, including how she gave birth to an illegitimate daughter back in 1490 and how she turned to vampirism to disqualify herself from serving as the Petrova doppelganger, and escaping the much-teased but still mysterious original Original vampire: Satan Klaus. We get much of this, because after learning more from Rose and the beautiful Brothers Salvatore about old Satan Klaus, who wants our girl for a sun beam curse-breaking sacrifice, Elena marches down to ye olde tomb for a family reunion -- with the ancestor who spawned her line 520 years prior. We learn all sorts of mythology I'll hit in the full weecap, and totally forget that Katherine and Elena aren't played by two equally accomplished, talented and beautiful twin sisters (or possibly triplets).
Elsewhere, Caroline and Stefan continue to bond. Bonnie and Jeremy continue to bond, at least until a new Baby Manwitch, Luka, frigs things up. (Oh and his Daddy Manwitch is working for the not-dead, undead Elijah, who of course works for Satan Klaus.) And Rose and Damon start to bond, with Damon's shirt off. (C'mon, you know I wouldn't leave that out.)
I'm throwing up my A+ grade early this week, and suggest you do the same. Grade the episode at the top of the page now, and grade it when you come back to read the weecap too, which I'll put up, ASAP. Until then, please join us on the boards where we're hiding Damon's shirt in a sealed tomb.
Read other famous vampires' diaries, then join our vloggers in debating whether Diaries beats True Blood, below.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously on The Vampire Diaries...HEY! The Previouslies changed. Hurrah. No more "for over a century." No more "I have to know her." No more, "She's a dead ringer for Katherine." Are you giddy, babies? I'm a little giddy.
Now: Oh darn it, Show. I hate when you open with a flashback, when I want to start with a Now. Fine. Be that way....
Bulgaria, 1490: Katherine Pierce, is still human. She's still Katerina Petrova -- an unwed mother who is giving birth in her family home. When her daughter is born, Katerina begs to hold her, but her stern father comes in the room, grabs the baby from Mama Petrova, berates Katerina for disgracing the family, and whisks the child away. Mama Petrova holds Katerina as she sobs and pleads to see her baby. Nina Dobrev (who started life as Nina Dobreva, in Sofia, Bulgaria) gives great Bulgarian, and this is too tragic to make light of. paragraph...
Mossy Manse: Elena has been summoned by Stefan. He, Damon and Rose give Elena the lowdown on the original Original: Klaus, who makes Elijah look like the Easter Bunny, so Satan Klaus it is! Satan Klaus is the oldest known vampire in the history of time, so you can imagine how thrilled Elena is that he's coming after her. Damon and Stefan try to soft-pedal the news, but Rose refuses to play along. Satan Klaus is one BAMF, and our girl best beware. Elena tries to shake it off, and announces she's going to school. Stefan says he'll go with her, but things are still tense between them. She'll go on her own, thanks. Ouch. After Elena is gone, Damon cracks to Rose that Elena is in denial. Stefan snaps at him. "Shut up, Damon." Heh.
Mystic Falls High School; Exterior: Bonnie drops her books getting out of the car, and it's Jeremy to the rescue. Oh man, they're cute together. Jeremy invites Bonnie to play pool at the Grill after school. She's a little taken aback by it, but then she gets a good look at him and accepts. Hooray. Seconds later, a new African-American male student bursts on the scene, introduces himself, "My name is Luka." No one asks him if he lives on the second floor, which is a missed opportunity if you ask me. When Luka needs directions to the office, Jeremy gives them to him, while Bonnie gives him her prettiest smile. Bonnie! Now cut that out. You've got some flirting (smooching) to do with the Germ.
Forest: Elena is ditching school. She's headed to ye olde tomb to talk to Katherine! Caroline accompanies her, so she can pull open the heavy door. Too bad she didn't use some of that vampire strength to tote the heavy bag Elena's struggling to carry. Care Bear doesn't want to lie to Stefan about what Elena is doing, or distract him for Elena, but Elena plays the friend card, and the you-kept-me-busy-for-Katherine card, so Caroline promises to cover for her. She reminds Elena that Katherine is hardly a bulwark of truth, so Elena might not get much out of her, but Elena says she needs to do this.
Caroline pulls open the door, but Katherine's not right at the opening. Elena calls out to her and tries to get Caroline to leave, but she stays right where she is. Finally, Katherine drags her desiccating derrière to the door, and in a dry, thin voice, she rasps: "Hello, Elena." Girlfriend looks rough. She's not even wearing any shoes. Commercial.
Kat wants to know if Elena came to watch her wither away, and she wants Caroline gone, now. Caroline stands her ground until Elena assures her that as long as she remains on the other side of the enchanted doorway, Katherine can't harm her. Oh, honey, that's not true. She can fill your head with lies and inaccuracies. Once Caroline leaves, Katherine tries to talk to Elena about Stefan, but Elena ignores her and starts pulling some things from her bag of tricks, including a pillow, and the Petrova book Damon nicked from Isobel's office. She wants Kat to tell her about Satan Klaus. Kat doesn't seem inclined to talk until Elena withdraws a bottle of blood from her bag. At the sight of it, Katherine Stealth-Salvatores to the door, but the magical barrier keeps her safely in her place and off Elena's delicate neck. Elena pours a couple of sips of the blood into a plastic cup and using a stick, slides the cup to Katherine. I love it when heroines aren't stupid. After Kat downs a couple of shots, she explains that she met Klaus in England in 1492 when Columbus was sailing the ocean blue, in order to exploit and abuse Native Americans and steal their lands. [Um Cindy, you realize you were channeling Willow's mother for at least part of that, right? -- Buffy] Oh hush, you. Willow's mother was talking about the Pilgrims.
It seems Katerina's parents kicked her fornicating fanny out off the farm, she fled to England. It's there she met nobleman Satan Klaus and caught his eye, She was into him, too, until she realized he didn't want to court or marry her so much as he wanted to sacrifice her to lift the Sun Curse against the vampires. Being resourceful, Kat stole his moonstone and ran away. Via flashback we learn that Satan Klaus sent Elijah and some other minions after her, but Trevor, who was in love with her, helped Katherine escape. He diverted the search party's attention and then pointed Kat in the direction of a safe cottage.
Mossy Manse: Damon demands some answers from Rose, but he does so while she's crying over Trevor. When he mocks her and tells her to use the vampyric emotion "switch" (gah, I wish I had one of those) Rose pretty much tells him he's the pot calling the kettle black, because it's patently obvious he is madly in love with Elena. At that, Damon rushes her and warns her off getting on his bad side. Rose isn't impressed. "Then show me your good side." From my seat, they all look good. Ahem. After playing eyething with me for a moment, our Evil Pixie Monster gets to his point with Rose. Since she was able to summon Elijah, she ought to know someone who might know where Klaus is. Rose doesn't think they have much chance of finding him. In Soviet Vampire Diaries, Satan Klaus summon YOU! Damon persists, so finally she agrees to drive Damon down to Richmond to meet Slater, who got her message to Elijah. Rose will drive her car with the blackout windows, since she doesn't have a protecto ring.
MFHS: Once Stefan hears Elena didn't feel well and ended up bagging on school, he decides to take off and see if she's all right. Caroline, remembering her promise, stops him, by admitting that she told Tyler she is a vampire. Caroline is so much more awesome as a vampire than she was as a human; I just want to smish her.
Ye Olde Tomb: Elena wants to know about the link between the Petrova bloodline and Satan Klaus breaking the curse. Per Kat, Petrova blood was used to seal the curse, and the doppelganger was created as a way to undo the curse. That makes sense on its face, but when I think about it too long, it confuses me, as do many of this week's mythology moments. I can't decide if I'm just missing something, or if I'm not buying it all because I shouldn't, so I won't waste your time with analysis. I'll just waste your time with explanations of why you aren't getting any. Um... analysis, that is. I don't know your life.
Flashback, England; 1492: Katherine arrives at the safe cottage and begs entry, but the woman who answers the door refuses, so Kat name-drops Trevor. Rose overhears this, comes to the door and compels the woman to let Kat in. Kat shows Rose the moonstone, explains it was to be used in the curse-breaking sacrifice, so she grabbed it and escaped. Rose says people do not escape from Satan Klaus, and anyone who tries to help someone do so? DIES. Kat thanks Rose for putting herself at risk, but Rose begs to differ. She shoves Kat in a room and tells her she is so not putting herself at risk. At nightfall, she going to march Katherine back to Satan Klaus and begging for mercy.
Richmond; Present: Damon and Rose park in an underground garage so she can get out of the car without bursting into flames. As they set out to meet Slater, Damon grabs her and warns that if she's setting him up, he'll rip out her heart and shove it down her throat. Wouldn't a vampire enjoy that meal? Okay, I guess not if it was her own heart, but you know what I mean. Maybe you don't. Maybe I don't. I'm knackered. Anyhow Rose quickly shows Damon that she is older and stronger than he. When she releases her grip on him though, she tells him he can trust her. What do you think, people? Can he? Can we?
In a cafe with some double-glazed UV protecto glass that's safe for vampires, they meet up with Slater, who keeps trying to make me think he's Castiel's baby brother. He has been going to college since he was vamped in 1974. He's got umpteen degrees; he knows who Damon is, and is a total fanboy. Come join us on the on the boards, Slater.
Ye Olde Tomb: Katherine clearly never got marched back to Satan Klaus, and we learn via flashback how that went down. Katherine stabs herself to avoid going back. She's in pretty rough shape and Rose can't have her dying on her, so Rose cuts herself and force-feeds her blood to Katherine, who heals right up. Trevor arrives home, and he and Rose argue about the Katherine complication. Trevor can't help it. He lurves KaKa. The only choice he sees for any of them is to run until they die. Just then, they hear a noise coming from Katherine's room. They rush to find her hanging. Fabulous! She just vamped herself. Katherine is a wonderful villain. Can we keep her, please?
Once the flashback is over, Katherine tells Elena that only a human Petrova doppelganger is any use for the spell, so she figured she'd be safe once she was a vampire. However, she's been on the run from him for 518 years. "I underestimated his spirit for vengeance." Ya think? Katherine knows she's getting to Elena, so she tries to tempt her into changing into a vampire. This. This right here is what's making me suspicious. Part of me wonders whether Katherine is still a viable doppelganger -- just harder to catch because she's a vamp. Maybe the doppelganger has to be a vampire, but Katherine decided that if she became one on her own, she had a better chance of escape. The bottom line -- I can't see why she'd want to give Elena the chance to turn. Maybe she just wanted to tempt her into touching her so she could pull her in the tomb and chow down. I guess I just don't trust Katherine nearly as much as Elena seems to right now. That said, Elena chooses NOT to drink Katherine's blood and turn. Good choice, E. I'd hold out for some vintage Salvatore, too.
We flash back to the cottage, where Rose tries to get Trevor to snap out of his hormone-fueled delusions. Katherine totally set them up. "She used you to help her escape and me to turn her... Klaus will see our role in this." Katherine apologizes, but Rose isn't swayed and tries to stake her. Katherine grabs the old woman, uses her as a human shield and then bites her neck to ensure her transformation. Rose knows Katherine has also just ensured their deaths. Katherine finds this shrug-worthy. "Better you die than I." Hee. Once the flashback ends, Katherine explains to Elena that she had to look out for herself, and warns Elena she'd be smart to adopt that point of view.
Grill: Caroline occupies Stefan by telling him how she ended up revealing her new nature to Tyler. Stefan is upset, but he's awfully fond of Caroline. She just makes it hard to help her out, but he'll keep her secret from the Evil Pixie Monster, so that he doesn't flip out and kill her on impulse. He tells Caroline she reminds him of Lexi. Caroline teases him about actually having a friend, but she doesn't know Lexi is dead, so she's not being mean; she's just being our classic Care Bear. When Stefan starts mumbling about leaving to check on Elena, Caroline steers the conversation back to Tyler and the upcoming full moon.
Across the room, Bonnie enters, and runs into My-Name-Is-Luka and his father, Dr. Jonas Martin. Dammit, Jeremy. Why weren't you already there? In fact, why weren't you waiting at Bonnie's locker? You're stressing me out, little brother. While waiting for her jailbait date, Bonnie learns the Martins lived in Louisiana and that the doctor did his residency in Massachusetts. He says he knew some Bennetts there and asks if she has family in Salem. Bonnie covers her surprise but not quite quickly enough for my taste. She admits she does, and then the Germ finally shows up. Sheeesh, kid. Your timing sucks. No only is My-Name-Is-Luka after your could-be-girl, his father's up to something fishy, too.
Richmond: Damon assures Slater that Elijah is really, truly dead. Poor Damon. Even when he tells the truth, he ends up lying by accident. Anyhow, Slater explains that he uses CraigsList (no, really) to get in touch with someone who knows someone who knows Elijah. But his last someone recently died. Meanwhile, outside the cafe, Elijah puts a hundred dollar bill in a busker's guitar case, but then scoops out all the coins that were in there. Is he looking for a wishing well?
Dr. Martin leaves while Jeremy and Bonnie are playing pool and flirting, so My-Name-Is-Luka comes up and RUINS THE MOMENT. Meanwhile, across the room, Stefan realizes Caroline has been stalling him and he wants to know why, and where Elena is. Caroline will not break the girlfriend code, but promises Elena is safe. Stefan plays the friend card. Caroline insists she is his friend, but she's Elena's too. "I'm sorry, but I'm not going to tell you where she is." I actually think she should tell him where Elena is, but that's because I'm watching the show, not living it. Within the story, I so admire Caroline for keeping her word.
Ye Olde Tomb: Elena wonders if she can trust anything Katherine says. No, Elena, you cannot. I mean, use it, but don't buy all the way into it, girl. You know why? Because Katherine is telling you she has no reason to lie. As they talk, Elena realizes that Katherine came back to town to get the moonstone and exchange Elena for her life. She then remembers that Katherine is at fault for Caroline turning into vampire and Tyler turning into a werewolf, and realizes Katherine needs/needed them, too. They must be part of the spell-breaking sacrifice. Katherine doesn't deny it. She just snarks about how witches use a lot of ingredients in their spells. But wasn't it an Aztec curse? I'm so confuzzled. By the way, Katherine also wanted a witch. She thought she had one lined up in Lucy, but Bonnie would have done just fine. Elena is appalled that Katherine was going to use them all so lethally. Katherine's line is the same as it ever was. "Better that you die than I." She slithers off into the recesses of ye olde tomb.
Richmond: Damon can't figure out why the Originals are so hot to break the Curse of the Sun, since they must know about protecto-rings. Per Slater, if a vampire breaks the Sun Curse, the Moon Curse over the werewolf will become permanent. Damon confirms werewolves still exist and there's even one in little old Mystic Falls. Slater is so cute when he says he just has to visit that town. He's doomed, isn't he? Elijah is, of course, hearing all this with his vamp-onic hearing, from outside the cafe. Damon asks if there's any way to make the moonstone impotent. Slater allows it's possible, but before they get much further in their conversation, Elijah winds up and pitches his fistful of coins through the cafe window. They fly as fast as bullets, shattering the glass. The vampires who aren't Damon start burning and moaning in pain. Damon covers Rose up and rushes her back to her car, where she assures him that neither she nor Slater had any part in this attack. It's all the word of Satan Klaus. "You don't know this man. We're all dead." As she sobs, Damon consoles her.
Grill: Jeremy's now at the pool table by himself. Bonnie smiles at him, but she ends up sitting with My-Name-Is-Luka. He apologizes for his father being so obvious about the Bennett/Salem thing and then reveals he and his father have some mojo of their own. That's because they're black, you see. Hey, don't blame me; blame the show! Have we yet seen one witch who isn't of African descent? Oooh, excuse me, My-Name-Is-Luka prefers to be called a warlock. Look, My-Name-Is-Luka, around here, I decide who is called what, so Junior Manwitch it is. Now, let's get back to this show's reliance on the Magical Negro trope. In the future, I hope that changes, or that it's explained in the mythology, because right now, it's making me cringe. Also making me cringe? Poor little Germ looking over at Bonnie and Junior Manwitch. As he considers them, he slings his backpack over his shoulder, and eventually leaves without a word. Poor little emo muffin.
Ye Olde Tomb: Stefan arrives and confronts Elena. She thinks Caroline spilled the beans, but Stefan figured it out on his lonesome. He reminds her that Katherine is a lying liar who lies and promises Elena he will keep her safe. That's just Elena's problem. She's afraid Stefan will die trying. Katherine never met a touching moment she didn't want to ruin, so she slithers back up to the doorway to tell Stefan he can't do anything, this time. And then she leads us into another flashback.
Bulgaria; 1492: Katherine returns to the family homestead to discover Satan Klaus and team have murdered everyone she loves. I can't help but feel for her, especially when she finds her mama. After the flashback, she unnecessarily explains that Klaus killed them to exact revenge on her. She tells Elena that he will do the same to her, her friends, family and everyone she loves. Stefan tries to get Elena to ignore it, but Kat keeps babbling. She tells them there's nothing they can do to stop it, but then holds up the moonstone. "Unless you've got this." Ooh, tricky. Stefan calls Kat a manipulative, psychotic bitch -- she's just lying and trading for her freedom. Katherine doesn't want her freedom though. She's right where she wants to be -- in a tomb into which no vampire, not even Satan Klaus, will enter, because they know if they do, they can never leave. So, like the Hotel California, then? She smiles as she purrs, "I will be the safest psychotic bitch in town." She slithers off again.
Gilbert Gables: Stefan escorts Elena up onto the porch, but she's still cold to him -- still remote -- and says she just can't talk about it. Poor Stefan pleads with her to open up to him and finally she does. She opens the floodgates, too, crying that she wanted to blame his presence or their love for this situation, but now she realizes the truth. Everyone is in danger not because of him, but because of her. As she weeps, Stefan takes her into his arms (which we have not seen unclothed in quite some time, writers -- I'm just sayin'...). I don't know that we'll see them back together right yet or not, but at least the wall between them is crumbling. Those poor, cute kids.
Ye Olde Hotel California Tomb: Katherine flips through the Petrova book and finds a sketch of her and her parents. Her eyes well with tears. I remind myself not to feel too badly for her until we know more.
Mossy Manse: Damon and Rose share a drink in front of the fire. She apologizes for not providing more help to save Elena. Damon assures her he will get the job done, anyhow. Rose says he reminds her of Trevor. She encourages him to continue denying his feelings for Elena, because after the caring comes the dying. When she tells him to turn his feelings-switch off, he says, "I will, if you will." Oh, Damon, I totally will. Um. Who said that? They kiss, which leads to sex, which leads to shirtless Damon. We all win! (Especially Rose.) In the afterglow, Rose tells Damon there really is no switch. Newbies can do it, but as a vampire matures, he just has to learn how to fake it. Their conversation is interrupted when Slater calls. He thinks he has a way to destroy the curse, but they'll need to get the moonstone. Wait, what? At any rate, when Rose confirms that Damon can get the moonstone, Slater tells them they'll need a witch, and the witch can figure out the rest. I do not buy this for one moment, even before the reveal. Speaking of...
The Reveal: Slater hangs up and we learn that Elijah is with him and compelled him to make that call. Yes, Elijah is special and can compel his fellow vamps, which just really freaks Slater out. Me, too. Slater, you're so going to die. Ooh, yeah, here it comes. Elijah compels Slater to drive a stake through his very own heart. Plunge. Squick. Thud. What a waste! But wait, we're not done. Slater is, but we're not. Dr. Jonas Martin walks into the room as asks Elijah if that was really necessary. Elijah says it had to be done. "He delivered his message. It won't be long now." EEEEeeeek. And now we have to wait until frakking December 2nd for a new episode. I don't know about you, but I'm not sure I can take it.
In the meantime, please join us on the boards where we're hiding all of Damon's shirts in a sealed tomb, and keening over the brief hiatus.
Read other famous vampires' diaries, then join our vloggers in debating whether Diaries beats True Blood, below.
Want to immediately access TWoP content no matter where you are online? Download the free TWoP toolbar for your web browser. Already have a customized toolbar? Then just add our free toolbar app to get updated on our content as soon it's published.
Cindy McLennan is a wife, mother, and unrepentant fangirl of The Vampire Diaries. You can e-mail her at CynthiaMcLennan[at]gmail.com or follow her on Twitter.