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I didn't realize quite how many threads we've been following until this episode wove them into an impressive tapestry. In theory, this is just a recaplet, so let's get right to it.
Isobel (Mia Kirshner), offers Alaric no explanation of her decision to forsake her marriage and her humanity, for vampyrism. Instead she asks him to set up a meeting between him and Elena. Alaric: "You want me to... deliver a message? Screw you, you selfish bitch." Audience: Hooray! Isobel: Do it or I'll kill off the whole town, starting with your students. As tempting as the second option is, Alaric isn't tenured, so he complies. The mother and child reunion is only a motion away, so Isobel goes home to prepare, like you do, by watching jazz singer enthrallee, Cheri, fooling around with cowboy enthrallee Frank (Michael Roark). Frank isn't just a cowboy, he's a big gay cowboy who Isobel has temporarily degayed. Uncle John "Snark" Gilbert is appalled! Who's he going to play with? Or okay, maybe he thinks vampires shouldn't treat people like dolls. Isobel will brook no insolence from anyone lower on the food chain, so she bitch slaps him into subservience. If not for the three pounds of glittery gold eyeshadow of the damned caked on her eyes, and that... that... thing around her neck (is it a scarf, a boa, a necklace, bad taste incarnate) Isobel would have won my undying affection, right then and there.
Elena meets Isobel at the Grill, with Stefan standing watch over by the pool table. Isobel too is struck by Elena's resemblance to Katherine. Do none of these people know about IMDB.com? Katherine found Isobel after she turned ("genetic curiosity, I suppose") and hooked her up with daywalker bling -- in this case, a pendant. Elena wants to know who her bio dad is. Isobel: "A teenage waste of space." Oh, so it is Uncle Snark, then. Good to know. Isobel's not there to answer Elena's questions. She's there to get Original Johnathan Gilbert's invention.
Isobel knows a lot about current-day Mystic Falls citizens, mostly thanks to yappy Caroline, who yapped her yappy head off to Isobel, even though she had no idea who she was. Caroline intel aside, Isobel also knows Damon has the Gilbert Gizmo, and that he is sweet on Elena, so when she arrives home to find him playing strip poker with Cheri, she tells him "Don't kill the messenger," and says they're on the same side -- and that side is Katherine's. Katherine wants John Gilbert to have the device; Isobel is just following orders. Damon pays um... lip service to Isobel's demands at first, but then he tackles her, throttles her and lays down the law. Lay off Elena, or he'll rip her to bits. He believes wholeheartedly in killing the messenger, because it... sends a message. "Katherine wants something from me? You tell the little bitch to come get it herself." Whee!
Meanwhile, Bonnie, who earlier froze out a tearful Elena (right after the Isobel meet and greet) comes to Elena to repair their friendship. Later, she shows Elena old Emily Bennett's grimoire and its description of Original Johnathan's devices. None of them worked, until Emily (unbeknownst to O.J.) mojoed them up. Sure she had a debt to Katherine, but she couldn't leave the townsfolk vulnerable to vamps, so she tried to ensure they had some protection. The ACTUAL VAMPIRE compass was a warning system, but the mystery Gilbert Gizmo was vamp-killing weapon. When Isobel kidnaps Jeremy and injures Matt, in order to prove she is not screwing around, Elena realizes they have to give her the device.
When Uncle Snark discovers Isobel has kidnapped his nephew -- the only person in Mystic Falls who can actually tolerate him -- he appeals to the remnants of Isobel's humanity and asks her to let Jeremy go. Nothing pisses off Isobel more than intimating she might have a shred of human decency, so she overpowers Snark, rips off his Magical Ring, and takes the lead on Gizmo retrieval.
Elena tells Bonnie and Stefan that Isobel has grabbed Jeremy and asks Bonnie if she can remove the spell from the device. She can. Damon doesn't trust Bonnie, so of course he chooses to taunt her rather than try to win her over. Finally though, Bonnie convinces Damon that she is capable of removing the spell. Elena begs Damon to trust her plan. He can't resist that face, so he relents. Bonnie does her thing and pronounces the Gilbert Gizmo harmless. They meet up with Isobel in the town square. She instructs Elena to call home and confirm Jeremy's there. In the course of conversation, Isobel also says that Damon is in love with Elena. Stefan and Damon are standing by and hear every word. Awkward! Elena then cuts the conversation short, hands over the Gilbert Gizmo and thanks Isobel for being such a monumental disappointment. "Keeps the memory of my real mother perfectly intact." Isobel has a parting dig of her own. "As long as you have a Salvatore on each arm, you're doomed. Katherine was smart. She got out, but we all know you're not Katherine." Once the bitch is gone, Stefan takes a devastated Elena in his arms. She can't help peeking over his shoulder at Damon, who cannot take his eyes off her. None of this escapes Stefan's notice.
The big shocker of the night is one that was hinted at throughout the episode, and yet managed to knock off this recapper's socks, all the same. Bonnie faked the spell removal spell. Psych!
Elsewhere and when, did you guys know it's almost Founders Day? They should have said something. I would have been better prepared. Alaric is in charge of getting the kids to make the History Department's Founders Day Float -- a recreation of the Battle of Willow Creek. With so many of the original players still in town, that ought to be a shoo-in for a blue ribbon, yeah? Tyler Lockwood is named chief artist in charge, but he's going to have to work through his troubles with our luscious Pudding Pop, Matt Donovan, who's still a bit prickly about the fact Ty totally tried to do Matt's mom, Kelly.
Also, Jeremy spends much of the episode looking for a missing Little Orphan Anna. She returns at the end -- in tears, but not before the Germ lets Elena know he's read her journal, knows everything, and is mad as Hell. In a reversal of the position he took in an earlier episode, he's now furious that Elena had Damon remove his suffering (and suffering induced memories) under compulsion. When Elena tries to talk to him, he shuts his bedroom door right in her face, which means I have to go back to calling him Germ full time, at least for a while.
Katherine wants Snark to use the Gilbert Gizmo to wipe out all the tomb vampire refugees. Isobel, in a rare, human moment, returns the Gizmo and Magic Ring to Snark and asks him to add Stefan and Damon to that list. As parents they agree, their bouncing baby girl should be nowhere near the Brothers Salvatore. Killjoys. So much happened in this episode. There's more about Isobel, John, Anna, Jeremy, Alaric and the Elena-induced sibling rivalry between the Brothers Salvatore. I'll hit it all in the full weecap, so check back, soon. Until then come on over to the forums, where no one interrupts Damon during strip poker.
Want more? The full recap starts right below! Mamma Mia, here we go again. My show -- how can I resist you? So much happens during "Isobel" that it's hard to believe it's a single episode. It takes some shows years to cover this much ground. Oh yeah, Lost, I guess I am looking at you, but really, I meant to give the stinkyeye to How I Met Your Mother. There's so much to cover that I'm skipping the Previouslies. That's what the recaps and recaplets are for, right? Okay, let's go.Mystic Grill; Interior; Night: We pick up where we left off last week. Alaric, who has just sworn off the search for Isobel, is signing his oath in Scotch, when a woman joins him at the bar. "Hello, Ric." It's his not so dead after all wife, Isobel Flemming Saltzman (Mia Kirshner). After all this time does she fall into his arms or throw herself at his feet and beg his forgiveness? Does she ask to speak to him outside? Does she make a tearful apology? No. She makes banal small talk. You look good. You're a teacher. Pass the Visine and Velamints. Do I look as baked as I sound? 'Cause duuuuuude...
Alaric shakes his head, because what else can you do when you run into your wayward and possibly wasted wife -- right after deciding you'd rather not find her after all, thanks. When he finally speaks, his voice is low and gruff. "Where have you been, Isobel?" Something feels off with Mia Kirshner's response here (aside from her stoned take on Isobel), making me wonder if there was an edit. "I don't have any reasons that are gonna comfort you. I don't have any... explanations that are going to satisfy you." She swivels on her barstool to face him. "I wanted this." Alaric can't believe it's that simple but Isobel says it is. "You were supposed to mourn me and move on." Oh excuse him for not intuiting his role in your little pothead psychodrama, Izzy. Alaric: "You were my wife and I loved you. How could I not search for you?" Is it just me, or did the usually smooth Davis blow that line? Whatever. Isobel smiles and shakes her head. "Because I wasn't lost, Ric." Smoke another one, Iz. High people have short attention spans, so she jumps right to the subject of Elena, scribbles a note, and hands it to Alaric while telling him to arrange a meeting between her and her daughter. Alaric skims the note then lets it fall to the bar. "You want me to...deliver a message? Screw you, you selfish bitch." Hooray! He fails to stuff some Vervain down her throat, but he does walk out, so we'll call it a win.
...Or not. Outside, Isobel Stealth Salvatores her buzzkill ex, but Alaric refuses to do her bidding. Dizzy Miss Izzy changes his mind by vamping out, grabbing him by the throat and shoving him up against the car. This show cannot get enough of characters throttling one another. Finding fresh ways to describe the same, stale movement is becoming a giant pain in my neck. Bah dah duh. Isobel: Do it or I'll kill off the whole town, starting with your students. That's harsh, dude. You know he can't be tenured yet. She throws him to the ground and saunters off. When her note to Elena starts to blow away, Alaric grabs it, and gets back on his feet.
Gilbert Gables; Elena's Room; Day: Our girlfriend, Elena, is on the phone explaining to someone that she has to help build the Miss Mystic float for the Founders Day Parade, or face the wrath of Caroline. "But I wanted to check in, first." We cut to...
Mossy Manse; Stefan's Room: It's not Stefan who Elena has been chatting up. It's Damon. "Oh, well I'm doing great." He smiles and makes flirty eyes, even though this isn't a teleconference. "Thanks for asking." Elena was checking on Stefan though, so Damon says, "Oh him? He's terrible.... He's just back to -- boring, straight-laced, off the junk." At Gilbert Gables, Elena smiles and rolls her eyes. Damon tells her: "You've successfully cured him of any anything that was interesting about his personality." Elena sing-songs: "Don't forget who helped me." Damon responds in kind: "I hate myself." He chuckles softy, smiles at the phone and lowers his lids like you do when you're talking to your BIGGEST CRUSH EVER, then finds an excuse to prolong the conversation. "Hey did Uncle John mention anything to you about my field trip with the history teacher?" Elena says he hasn't, as she's been avoiding him. Damon would "love" if Elena could find out what John's up to. Just then Stefan walks in the room, freshly out of the shower and towel drying his hair. I'll give you a moment to admire him in his tank before I continue.... You ready? Okay. Elena tells Damon she's late and has to run. Damon: "Have fun with the Mystic Queen." A beat. "I know I did." Elena lets out a disgusted laugh and hangs up.
Sidebar: Some people are up in arms that Damon cracked wise about the period of time in which he was compelling Caroline to be his chew toy. Others are up in arms that Elena didn't get all up in arms about his wisecrack. Damon's repeated compulsion of Caroline has inspired intense discussions about whether or not any or all of their sexual encounters were consensual. The word rape is being bandied about. That's a valid, deep, thoughtful response. And hey, it's all food for thought, right? The vampire myth is metaphor for rape and/or seduction. What's compulsion but a roofie? There's plenty of grist for ye olde mill. It's just -- this isn't my first fandom. It isn't my first online fandom. It isn't my first online vampire show fandom. It isn't even my first online vampire show fandom love triangle. In fact, if I take into account that it was the merger between UPN and the WB that spawned the CW, this isn't my first online vampire show fandom love triangle for a vampire show on this freaking network. Been there. Done that. Have the twitches and tics to prove it. And the intentionally bad fan art. Right now, I'm standing back -- way way back. Maybe at some point, we'll have a conversation about the ethics of The Vampire Diaries. Or. Or. Or...we can mock, laugh at, joke about and ogle the pretty people, revel in their cracktastic angst, commit bad fan art, and continue to have a gay old time. I know which way I'm leaning -- today, at least. P.S. Please feel free to mock me when I fall off the Chill Fan Bandwagon. Based on past experience, I can guarantee it will happen at some point.
Anyhow, as Damon rises from his brother's bed, silent Stefan shrugs the shrug of: WTF? Why are you in my room? On my bed? Talking to my girl? On my phone? Damon hands over the phone and puts his pretty grill right up in Stefan's pretty grill. "Elena called." He's a naughty toddler, begging for any kind of attention at all. Stefan wears the most precious expression as he looks from his phone, to his brother and back to his phone. Cut to...
MFHS; Founderteria: Alaric has put reluctant (but talented) sketch artist Tyler Lockwood in charge of production design for the History department's float. Theme: The Battle of Willow Creek. Alaric encourages Ty to pick his team and be creative, but then spots Elena and has to talk to her, so his pep talk closes with, "And don't screw up." Heh. Once he's gone, Tyler asks Matt if he wants to help him out. Matt: "Not really, no." I fully understand Matt's distaste for Tyler these days, but then why is he there and sitting with him in the first place? Don't glower and stew, Puddin'. Go help your girlfriend plan the Miss Mystic float, for heaven's sake.
Speaking of, Caroline and Bonnie are on the other side of the Founderteria, doing just that. In another product placement for Bing.com, Caroline enters "Mystic Falls Founders' Day" into the search engine, and finds what she's looking for on the first page of hits -- a picture of last year's Miss Mystic float. If you try the same search today, you'll find nothing of the sort. And I've just found one thing How I Met Your Mother does better than The Vampire Diaries: build websites that are referenced on the show. Maybe time, TVD. Maybe time.
Anyhow, last year's float looks like the aftermath of a birthday cake explosion, so Caroline's desire to do everything differently makes sense to me. She says their float will exude Southern, classic elegance. Bonnie's apparently been down this road with Caroline, before. "Gone With the Wind?" Caroline: "How did you know?" Bonnie: "You channel Scarlett, daily." Bonnie's Inner Voice: And if you try to make me the Prissy to your Scarlett, I'll shove your hoop skirt up your ass and go all Sherman vs. Atlanta on it, WITH MY MIND. Caroline looks around as she wonders why Elena isn't there yet. Bonnie's face turns to stone. "I don't know." Caroline wants to know what the deal is. "You and Elena are fighting, spill." Bonnie says it's nothing. Caroline doesn't believe her but whatever -- she's tired of the drama llama infiltrating her social circle. "The whole float is supposed to be about friends creating something together, and everyone is fighting. Matt and Tyler hate each other. You and Elena are on the outs. I don't like it, and I can't fix it if I don't know what's wrong." Bonnie apologizes but says she can't talk about it.
Alaric's Classroom: Damon enters and "apologizes" for being the last to arrive. When he sees the grim looks on Elena and Stefan's faces he wants to know what's wrong. Alaric: "I saw Isobel last night." As Damon takes this in, he looks at Elena and we cut to...
Swanky House; Exterior: Uncle John "Snark" Gilbert drives up to someone's fancy digs and walks right in. He follows the music until he finds Isobel lounging around watching her pets/personal exotic dancers. Since the mother and child reunion is only a motion away, Isobel is preparing, like you do, by watching enthralled jazz singer pet, Cherie, fooling around with enthralled cowboy pet, Frank (Michael Roark). Frank isn't just an enthralled cowboy, he's a big gay enthralled pet cowboy who Isobel has temporarily degayed. Uncle John "Snark" Gilbert is appalled! Who's he going to play with? Oh no, wait. He's appalled because he thinks vampires shouldn't treat people like dolls. Isobel: "If we're going to be partners, you really have to stop being such a hater." Druggies can be forgetful, so John reminds her they're partners working toward a specific, shared goal. "Don't ever confuse that for an acceptance of your lifestyle." What a prig. Izzy's still stoned out of her gourd, so the lifestyle comment makes her snort.
Sidebar: What the frilly heck is Isobel wearing around her neck? It's a necklace-scarf-boa-Christmas tree tinsel garland, not to mention bad taste incarnate, but it really brings out the three pounds of gold glitter eyeshadow-of-the-damned caked on her lids. Did Mia Kirshner run over the Wardrobe and Makeup people's puppies or something?
Isobel, who has been Lady MacBething her hands for the entire scene follows Snark across the room. "So, I assume that you still don't have the invention." Snark tells her he'll get it done. Izzy: "Uh, you threatened to expose Damon Salvatore; that didn't work. You killed that Pearl lady -- still no invention. I really don't think that your plan is working, John." Snark: "Well you being here isn't going to help anything." Stoned or not, Isobel will brook no insolence from a pasty faced guy wearing an old lady's wig set too far back on his head, so she bitch slaps him and knocks him to the ground. HOORAY! Isobel says, "You've failed, John. I'm gonna take it from here." She leaves Snark (and his bruised ego) sitting on the floor.
MFHS; Alaric's Classroom: Damon peppers Alaric with questions about his meeting with Isobel: Did he ask about Snark? Is Isobel working with Snark? What about the invention? Does Isobel know about the tomb vampire refugees? Alaric didn't ask about any of those things. Damon: "Did words completely escape you?" Alaric: "You know, I was a little too distracted by my dead-vampire wife to ask any questions." Damon: "What's she want?" Elena: "She wants to see me, Damon." At that, our Evil Pixie Monster flicks on his psycho eye beams and turns toward her. Stefan explains that Alaric is supposed to arrange a meeting, but they have no idea what's on her agenda. Damon never looks away from their girlfriend. "You don't have to see her if you don't want to." Elena shrugs and says she doesn't have a choice. Alaric: "She's threatening to go on a killing spree." Damon: "Oh." He waits a beat and then grins at Elena. "I take it that's not okay with you guys." It doesn't matter. Elena wants to meet with Isobel. "If I don't, I know I'll regret it." Damon flashes his eye beams again, before we cut to...
Town Square; Exterior: A "Mystic Falls Celebrating 150 Years" banner hangs in front of town hall. I'm only mentioning any of this, because I can't tell if the (analog) clock in the tower reads 9:28 or 5:45. It must be 5:45 PM, yeah? Feel free to e-mail me an HDTV set at CynthiaMcLennan[at]gmail.com.
Mystic Grill; Interior: Stefan stands watch over by the pool table, while his best girl sits alone at a table for two. By the way she jumps when the waitress serves her coffee, I'm pretty sure the meeting is on. Elena kills time by taking advantage of Stefan's vamponic hearing for a stealthy chit-chat. Thanks for coming... I'm nervous, but I'm happy that you're here... I love you. Stefan (who has just been smiling and nodding up until now) mouths: I love you back at her, but then his sightline is obscured by DUN DUN DUN Isobel. As she joins her flesh and blood at the table, her voice and smile are as sweet as saccharine. "Hello, Elena." Commercial. Izzy needs a doobie break.
Mommy's words to the child she hasn't seen since birth? "You look just like her. It's eerie." Do none of these people know about IMDB.com? I've said it before, but one of these days, I want Elena to throw a five-star hissy fit upon hearing that comparison. Now would be a great time, but Miranda and Grayson dragged the child up right, so Elena plays nice instead. "You mean Katherine?" Izzy explains that Katherine found her after she turned. "Genetic curiosity, I suppose." Or she's keeping tabs on her descendants both human and vampyric -- particularly when they interact. Isobel adds, "She would be fascinated by you." Elena hates this topic of conversation so she takes note of Izzy's necklace -- not the Christmas tinsel garland from hell necklace -- an antique lapis lazuli pendant. "Is that how you can walk in the day?" Isobel grabs it, unconsciously. "Katherine helped me obtain it." Elena then wants to know who her bio dad is. Isobel: "He was a teenage waste of space." Oh, so it is Uncle Snark, then. Good to know. During the conversation, Izzy makes a point of declaring that human life means nothing to her. "It's just part of being what I am." Elena says that's not true. She knows other vampires. Isobel bats her overly long false eyelashes. "You mean your boyfriend over there by the pool table -- Stefan Salvatore? Why Stefan? Why didn't you go for Damon, or do you enjoy them both -- like Katherine did?" Poor Elena is shocked and hurt to have her mother-the-stranger talking to her like that. Across the bar, Stefan lowers his eyes at the mention of Katherine's name.
Town Square; 6:15PM: Damon and Alaric wait across the street. Oh, goody. I love these two, together. Damon says they should be in the Grill, but Alaric says Isobel made it clear they weren't to step foot inside. Damon: "I'm not going to kill her in a crowded restaurant." Alaric: "You're not going to kill her, period." Damon doesn't understand Alaric's urge to protect the woman who ruined his life. Let's see if he singing the same tune when he runs into Katherine someday. Alaric: "She's my wife." When Damon gives him the eye, Alaric corrects himself. "Was. Was my wife. I looked for the woman I married, but she wasn't there. Whoever that is -- is cold and detached." And tripping! Damon scoffs as he reminds Alaric that Izzy has given up her humanity. Alaric doesn't get that. "Stefan has his humanity. He's a good guy. Hell, you're a dick and you kill people, but I still see something human in you..." Hee. "...But with her there was -- there was nothing." Damon says, "You can turn it off. It's like a button you can press. I mean Stefan's different. He -- he wants the whole human experience. He wants to feel every episode of How I Met Your Mother." He must not have watched this season yet, then. Blergh. Oh sorry, Damon. You were saying? "So, he shuts his feelings out. The problem is, as a vampire, your instinct is not to feel. Isobel chose the easier road. No guilt. No shame. No regret. I mean, come on, if you could turn it off, wouldn't you?" Alaric says, "You haven't." Damon laughs, "Of course I have, Ric. That's why I'm so fun to be around." Pshaw, Damon. Alaric might not know about your habit of squatting on a magical toadstool for a good cry, but we do.
Grill: Isobel's not there to answer Elena's questions. She admits she's there to sate her curiosity, but her real reason: "I want what your uncle wants -- Johnathan Gilbert's invention." Elena: "How do you know my uncle?" Oh for pity's sake, Elena. Do the math. He's your biological father and you're your own grandpa. Isobel is more subtle. "I used to spend a lot of time here when I was younger. John had a crush on me for years. He was the first one that told me about vampires." Elena asks what made Izzy want to be one. Izzy says it's a long list of reasons, "All of which I'm sure you've thought about." Elena purses her lips and shakes her head no but her quick glance at Stefan is her tell. Izzy agrees with me. "That was your first lie. It's inevitable. You're gonna get old. Stefan won't. Forever doesn't last very long -- when you're human." I'm sure Elena has read Twilight, Izzy. Ease up on the poor kid.
Elena takes on an edge and a sneer. "I'm sorry, but I don't have what you're looking for." She rises, but Izzy kicks out her chair, grabs Elena's arm and orders her to sit back down. Stefan's halfway across the bar by now, so (without turning to see him) Isobel adds, "And tell your boyfriend to walk away." Elena nods at Stefan, and gets a big sour smile from Mumsy, who again demands the invention. Elena says she doesn't have it. Izzy: "I know that, but Damon does, and you're going to get it for me." Elena says Damon won't give it to her. Isobel says, "Then the blood will be on your hands." She rises, grabs her purse and starts out of the bar, calling over her shoulder, "It was nice meeting you, Elena." As Elena's face crumbles, Stefan heads toward her, but over at the entrance, Bonnie's coming in as Dizzy Miss Izzy is leaving. Elena sees her first. She stands and faces her friend as the tears roll down her cheek. Bonnie's resolve weakens. She wants to go to Elena, but when she sees Stefan approaching, she turns and walks away. Elena sighs with longing as she watches Bonnie go. Oh you girls. Stop that. Stop it right now.
Gilbert Gables: Jenna is making a sandwich as Jeremy wanders into the kitchen, cellphone glued to ear, leaving a message for Anna. Jenna asks how Anna is. "I like that girl. She has fire." Jeremy doesn't know. She won't return his calls. Snark walks in and asks his nephew if he has girl troubles. Jeremy says there's no trouble, he's just waiting on a call. John tries to probe about Anna a little more, but it puts off both Jenna (of course the fact that John is still breathing puts off Jenna) and the Germ, who wants to know what's up with the curiosity. Snark: "I'm just making conversation. No one else in this house likes me. At least I can talk to you -- especially if you need someone to talk to about girls." Jenna: "Oh, please. I'm eating" Hee. I love her Snark-hate. Once they're alone, Snark closes in on Jeremy and asks how well he really knows Anna. Jeremy says "Extremely well." Snark reminds him that he can talk to him about anything and can answer any questions that he has. Jeremy asks him why. Oh my word. Would one of you just say the word vampire and get it over with. Nope. Not yet. Instead, Snark explains in thusly: "Because your dad would want me to." Jeremy blinks, swallows and stumbles over his words until he ekes out an I'm good.
Isobel's: Our blue-eyed Evil Pixie Monster is playing strip poker with Cherie. "Oh oh, Cherie. You won again. I hope I'm wearing my good underwear." He stands, unbuckles his belt, and unbuttons and unzips his pants, when Isobel returns and spoils the moment. "Tonight's just one blast from the past after another." Damon does up his pants and belt. Isobel says, "No, no, no," but has earned our undying ire, nonetheless. In French, Isobel tells Cherie to leave the room (or says something that makes Cherie leave). It's viewer's choice. Watch Cherie bounce out, or get lost in Damon's abs, especially those ones highlighted by his extra low-slung trousers.
Sidebar: Good news! Good news! Remember how I was never sure what to call those abdominal muscles (possibly obliques) other than the dirty, dirty name I use in my head? Reader Pam rode (or wrote) to my rescue. Pam writes: "My gay, male friends call them the 'Adonis Belt'. I think that's fitting." Thank you Pam. Thank you Pam's gay male friends. I'll pause here so we can all get another good long look. [...]
Damon gives Isobel a big O.K. on her choice of Cherie and says, "Good to see you, Isobel. I was just having fun with your naughty little minion." Isobel sparked one up on the way home, so it takes her five minutes to ask: "How'd you find me?" Damon Stealth-Salvatores himself up into her face. "Searched all the neighborhood bank-owned foreclosures and found the most expensive one." Isobel acknowledges she learned that trick from him and wants to know what he's doing there. Damon points out she's caused quite a stir in town, and yet didn't bother to pop in on the man who made her. "I'm a little hurt." Isobel's as "sorry" as Damon is "hurt." She starts to hug him, but in a flash, it turns violent and Izzy? She's a hair-puller. "Did you bring the device?" Hey, wait a second. Damon is 140 years or so older than she, right? How come she's roughing him up? Maybe he's just playing nice.
He ows over his pulled hair -- eliciting a laugh from his former prey. Damon wants to know what Isobel is doing with Uncle Snark. Isobel: "We dated a few times when we were young. He's a little bit in love with me." She then claims not to have any personal interest in the mysterious Gilbert Gizmo; she's just doing as told and informs him they're on the same side. Damon approaches her again, and grabs her chin. "What side is that?" Isobel: "Katherine's." She puts her hands on the back of his head, but plays nicer, this time. "She wants John Gilbert to have the device, and I think you know that she's not happy when she doesn't get what she wants." Damon shoves her off and asks why she's doing Katherine's dirty work. Isobel: "Don't kill the messenger. We both know that you can't control Katherine. She does what she wants."
Damon scoffs and says he gets what he wants too, but Isobel's not buying it, because she reads the recaps. The duo then gets rough with one another, but they're in the clinch, and their lips brush together as they speak. Somerhalder's movements reek of sex. Finally, they kiss and Izzy flash-forwards them over to the couch, where she mounts him. But she doesn't stay on top for long. Damon forces her to the floor, and while simultaneously straddling and throttling her, lays down the law. "Now that I have your attention, listen up. You do not come into my town -- threaten people that I care about." People? Who, besides Elena, rates? Could it be -- is the memory of his man-date still so fresh in his mind? Damon continues: "Going after Elena? Baaaaaad moooooove. You leave her alone or I will rip you to bits because I do believe in killing the messenger." He whispers in her ear. "You know why? Because it sends a message." Still holding her by the throat, he brings her head up and then slams it down on the floor. "Katherine wants something from me? You tell the little bitch to come get it herself." Whee!
Gilbert Gables: Bonnie's at the door. She feels so badly about walking away from Elena when she was in pain that she couldn't sleep last night. She apologizes and says, "that can't be us." Finally, Elena tells her she met her birth mother. Her teary-eyed failure to answer when Bonnie asks how it went, is all the response Bonnie needs. She takes Elena in her arms, and hugs her tight. Yay.
MFHS; Exterior: Matt's working on float assembly in front of the field-house. We get a quick shot of the "HOME OF THE TIMBERWOLVES" sign, as Tyler approaches. "Hey, man. So, Caroline tells me you've been on your own the past two weeks. Is everything okay?" Matt laughs with disbelief. "You're asking me about my mom -- seriously? Look man, why don't I just have her give you a call when she blows back into town." Tyler tries to explain that that's not what he meant, but he doesn't know what to say to bridge the gap between them that TOTALLY DUG FOR HIMSELF WHEN HE MADE OUT WITH PUDDING POP'S MOM. I mean Ty, I try to feel badly for you, but I'm so with Matt, here. When a guy knows his mother is a boozy 'ho, what he needs are buddies who will play blind to that fact, rather than exploit it. Buck up, it can't be too long before Hallmark introduces a Um Bro... About Your MILF line of greeting cards. In the meantime, Matt tells him, "Don't say anything. You're a dick. End of story." Tyler: "I know..." while he searches for the right words, Matt storms off. Tyler: "Whatever."
MFHS Science Lab: Elena meets Bonnie in the science lab, where she's leafing through Emily Bennett's grimoire. She shows Elena the description of Original Johnathan's vampire hunting devices. The ACTUAL VAMPIRE COMPASS is in there, as well as some rings (the civilian rings, I guess) and the mysterious Gilbert Gizmo. Elena says, "Yeah, that's it. Well, part of it. Damon only has the one piece." Hmmm. I didn't notice that line, the first time I watched. The kicker? None of Original Johnathan's inventions worked until Emily (unbeknownst to O.J.) mojo'd them up. Sure she had a debt to Katherine, but she couldn't leave the townsfolk vulnerable to vamps, so she tried to ensure they had some protection. Whereas the ACTUAL VAMPIRE compass is a warning system, the mystery Gilbert Gizmo in an anti-vampire weapon. The girls are surprised Isobel's looking for it.
MFHS; Exterior: Elena and Jeremy run into each other amid the float building and other parade preparations. She asks if he's seen Stefan. He hasn't, but he wants to talk to her for a second. Elena says sure. "What's going on?" Jeremy: "Well, it's Anna." Elena's eyes nearly pop out of her head at the mention of the name. Jeremy's too worried to notice her reaction, so he continues. "I left her all these messages and she hasn't gotten back to me -- not even a text." Elena tries to play innocent, saying she didn't know they were still friends. Jeremy: "Well, we're more than friends. Look, something could be seriously wrong, and if you know anything -- you've gotta tell me." Elena shakes her head. "I haven't talked to her, Jer." Jeremy: "Are you lying to me, right now?" Elena: "Why would you say that?" Jeremy: "'Cause that's what you do, Elena. You lie. You lie about everything." Whoa. Awesome. I sympathize with Elena's decision to have Jeremy mind-wiped, but it was the wrong choice all the same, and she shouldn't get off Scott-free. Jeremy: "I know what Anna is, and I know that you know. So tell me -- do you have any idea where she is?" Even though she's telling the truth, Elena chokes as she answers. "No." Jeremy walks away from her. Elena calls him back, but he ignores her. And if her day wasn't bad enough, Elena turns around to find herself face to face with Isobel.
Isobel wastes no time in letting Elena knows that she knows all her nearest and dearest: witchy best friend Bonnie, sad little brother Jeremy, Matt, and Caroline. "I got all my info from her, by the way. She had no idea who I was and she wouldn't stop yapping." Screeeeeeeetch. How does that work, exactly? Did she go up to Caroline and say, "Hey stranger, what can you tell me about Elena Gilbert?" Sure, if she'd introduced herself as Elena's bio mom, Caroline probably would have spilled all those beans, but then Caroline would have immediately sought out Elena and complained that she never told her she was adopted. There's no way for this Izzy/Caroline conversation to have happened naturally. Caroline's yappy, but she's not stupid. Honestly, I would have preferred to assume that Isobel knows things because she's lurky like most vampires. Anyhow, Isobel goes on about Matt, implying he'd be an interesting target. Elena tells her Matt's not involved, and asks Isobel to leave. It's then that Izzy points out that she has some friends there, too. It's Cowboy Frank. He's standing right near Matt, who's working on a float with a rusty axle. Isobel says Frank's handsome and handy. All he has to do is apply a little bit of pressure and... Elena screams, "NO!" as Frank jumps up on the back of the trailer, which falls on Matt's arm, trapping him underneath.
Elena tries to run to Matt, but Isobel pulls her back. Tyler is one of the first ones to the rescue. He and the other boys push with all their might, but they can't budge the trailer until Super Stefan swoops in to lend a hand. Isobel says if Elena hands over the Gilbert Gizmo, the "fun" will stop. Elena repeats that Damon won't give it to her. Isobel: "I think you're underestimating how much Damon cares about you." Elena says, "He'll kill you before he gives it up." Isobel: "Is that before or after I kill your brother Jeremy." Elena looks over to where Jeremy had been standing (with Cherie lurking behind him) just moments before. He's gone! As Elena screams her brother's name, Isobel disappears. Commercial.
Parade Prep: Caroline reports the ambulance is saying it'll be 15 or 20 minutes before they arrive. Say what? To an accident at a school, in preparation for the ever-glorious, all important, decidedly ubiquitous, never fricking ending Founders Day? So. Not. Buying. That. It's a sloppy contrivance to get the boys back together. You know what would have been a better one? Matt insisting that Caroline not call an ambulance because he has neither the insurance nor dough to cover the ride. Anyhoo, Tyler will drive Matt, but Matt won't go with Tyler. Caroline can't drive, because she doesn't have her car. When Matt says he'll wait, Caroline says enough is enough. "You will not wait, okay. You need to see a doctor. Tyler's driving. End of story." Matt finally gives in.
Isobel's: Snark returns to find Isobel packing. She doesn't have the missing piece yet, but she has the best thing -- Jeremy. Snark is less than pleased to see that his nephew is being used as bait and demands Jeremy's immediate release. Isobel threatens John. "That gaudy ring on your finger? It comes off." Snark starts to sweat, so he appeals to the remnants of Isobel's humanity. "Come on, Isobel. I know you. It's me, John. You can't hurt a kid." Isobel: "I'll kill him to prove you wrong." Snark stupidly asks if she's the far gone. He goes on about how the old Isobel must be in there, somewhere. Nothing pisses off Isobel more than intimating she might have retained a shred of decency or human feeling. On her command (in French) she and the newly empowered pets overpower Snark. Once he's down, Frank keeps kicking him. After a quick look at Jeremy, Isobel softly says, "Hey," to get Frank to stop. She nearly winces as she hopes no one notices that she cares. She then rips off Snark's Magical Ring, and takes the lead on Gizmo retrieval. Jeremy tries not to panic as he watches his uncle suffering on the floor.
Classroom: Elena tells Bonnie and Stefan that Isobel has grabbed Jeremy and says they've got to turn the Gilbert Gizmo over to Izzy. Stefan points out that Damon will never agree to hand over an anti-vampire weapon. Elena looks at Bonnie as she wonders aloud what Damon would say if the weapon were to be rendered harmless.
Mossy Manse: Damon's all Absolutely not. He doesn't trust Bonnie or her powers, so of course he chooses to taunt her rather than try to win her over. Finally though, Bonnie convinces him that she is capable of removing the spell, by magicking his copy of Jack London's Call of the Wild off a shelf and into his waiting hands. Damon denigrates this as a parlor trick, so Elena half begs/half orders Damon to give her the device. Damon turns to Bonnie. "I don't trust you. I tried to kill you." Bonnie smiles and comes over all sex kitten. "Hmmm. You're right. You can't trust me." My stomach flips over. Earnest Elena pleads with her lesser boyfriend. "But you can trust me." Stefan watches as Damon thinks it over. He can't resist that face, so he relents and hands Elena the gizmo. His digits linger a little too long, and he places it in her hand and wraps her fingers around it. Stefan sees that, too. Commercial.
Isobel's: Under Frank's watchful eye. Snark catches Germ up on the device, which he thinks works because their ancestor invented it. He says they need the gizmo because there is a group of vampires from a long time ago that wants revenge on Mystic Falls. Jeremy wants to know why one vampire would help Snark kill others of her kind. Snark confides that Isobel has her own reasons for wanting them dead. Snark says no one ever thought vampires would return to town in modern times, but since they have, they must be destroyed. Jeremy: "All of them? No. There are some good ones out there." Snark: "There's no such thing." Jeremy says he doesn't believe it, so Snark plays dirty pool. "Well, your Dad did. And as his son, that should mean something to you." Jeremy asks how Grayson knew about "all this." Snark: "Who do you think taught me the family history?" OBJECTION, your honor. Non-responsive. Please instruct that character that he is not on Lost, and as such, he is beholden to give informative answers. Crap. End of scene. Overruled.
Mossy Manse: Bonnie does her thing, The gizmo floats. The lights flicker off and on. The fire in the fireplace, and the candles flare. The gizmo floats and spins, floats and spins, and lands in Bonnie's hand. Damon watches the whole scene with a skeptical eye. Once Bonnie says, "done" Damon asks what's . Elena: "Now we give it to Isobel." As we cut away, Bonnie looks uncomfortable. Damn it.
Town Square; 9:00 PM: Elena walks the path on the Common. When she reaches the statue of the Civil War era soldier, she pauses and looks around. When her hair is suddenly blown back, she knows she's been Stealth Salvatored by Isobel. "Where's the device?" Elena wants to know where her brother is. Isobel tells her it isn't a negotiation. "Where's the invention?" Elena doesn't care. "Where's my brother?" Isobel asks if she really thinks she came alone. Elena looks over her shoulder to find Frank and Cherie. Okay wait, are they vamps now? If so, how come they're not going through that spastic vampire adolescence? If they're not vamps, how did Cherie grab Jeremy so easily?
Anyhow, Elena nods past Isobel. "Do you really think that I came alone?" Isobel turns to find the beautiful Brothers Salvatore. She tells her daughter: "For God sakes (sic) call home." As Elena dials home, Stefan and Damon inch ever closer to Isobel. At Gilbert Gables, Jeremy answers the phone while Jenna tends to Snark's boo-boos. When Elena asks her little brother if he's okay, Jeremy tells her Uncle Snark hit his head, but it was an accident. Jenna: "We're all laughing." Ha. Love her. Elena tells Jeremy she'll be home soon. When they hang up, Jeremy and Snark exchange knowing looks.
Back on the Common, Elena says to Isobel, "You were never going to hurt him." Isobel says, "No. I was going to kill him. Don't look for any redeeming qualities in me. I don't have them." Elena: "But you took a risk with Damon. How did you know that he was going to give it to me?" Isobel blinks and smiles. "'Cause he's in love with you." Elena's all Aroo, while Damon steals a sidelong glance at Stefan and is all Oh shit, and Stefan's all, I can't hear you lalalala. Before Elena can get all incensed and stomp off, Isobel stretches forth her open hand. Elena begrudgingly approaches and slams the Gilbert Gizmo into her miserable birth mother's palm. "Thank you." Isobel asks, "For what?" Damon waits for it, but he knows -- he knows what's coming. Elena shakes her head. "For being such a monumental disappointment. It keeps the memory of my real mother -- perfectly intact." Isobel has a parting dig of her own. "Goodbye, Elena. As long as you have a Salvatore on each arm, you're doomed." The camera pans from Stefan to Damon and then cuts back to Isobel. "Katherine was smart. She got out, but we all know that you're not Katherine." Isobel moves in before she turns and struts away. Elena fights back disappointment's bitter tears as she watches half her gene pool walk off into the night. Once the bitch is gone, Stefan takes a devastated Elena in his arms. She can't help peeking over his shoulder at Damon, who cannot take his eyes off her. Elena closes her eyes and snuggles into Stefan's shoulder. None of this escapes Stefan's notice. None of it. He looks over at Damon, who has the grace to avert his eyes and walk away. Stefan caresses Elena's hair. Commercial.
Creepy Supernatural promo. "My name is Death and the end is here." Are you watching?
Gilbert Gables; Jeremy's Room: When Jeremy reaches Anna's voicemail once again, he hangs up in disgust. It's then that Elena enters his room without knocking. "Jeremy, we have to talk about this." Jeremy says they really don't. Elena says there are things he really needs to know. Jeremy: "Yeah, because I'm pretty sure your journal covers it." Elena: "You read my journal?" Jeremy: "Yeah. Save me the speech about 'invasion of privacy' because I read a section about Damon erasing my memory about what happened to Vicki." Oh Show, your reveals are so awesome. Never stop. Please, never stop. Elena says he doesn't understand. "The night that Vicki died -- it was like Mom and Dad died all over again." Jeremy swallows hard as Elena continues. "It was all over your face. And it hurt so much to see you like that. I just wanted to take away your pain. I'm so sorry." Jeremy closes his eyes for a moment, and then: "Just get out." Elena tries to plead her case, but he'll have none of it. "Just get out. Please." Elena sighs and turns to go, but after she crosses the threshold, she has second thoughts. "Jer, I..." Jeremy's heart hardens. He closes the door RIGHT IN HER FACE, which means I have to go back to calling him Germ full time, at least for a while.
MFHS; Night: Isobel surprises Alaric in the corridor. Him: "What do you want?" Her: "I totally get it. You -- here -- as a history teacher. It's good." Alaric wants to know what she's doing. "You act like you don't care, and yet you're -- you're hunting me down." Izzy shakes her head and then finally says, "I'm leaving. I just thought I'd say goodbye." Alaric: "Well, you couldn't be bothered the first time, so why now?" Isobel smiles. "You hate me. Good." Alaric asks if that makes it easier for her. He doesn't understand the point of any of this. Isobel: "What did you expect? You spent all this time trying to track me down. What did you think you would find?" Alaric waves his his bling-heavy right hand. "The woman who gave me this. I mean -- you act like you don't care, but you cared enough to protect me after you left." Isobel frowns and shrugs. "I was a different person, back then." Alaric's all right -- and she's gone. He slips off his ring and tosses it to Dizzy Miss Izzy. "You expect me to believe that?" Then he removes a sprig of Vervain from his coat pocket and lets it drop to the floor. "I'm ring-free; I'm Vervain-free -- so either kill me or compel me, because I don't believe it -- not for a second."
Everything that their opening scene lacks is present here, in spades. Isobel Stealth Salvatores herself forward, pinning him up against the wall. "I wanted this. I needed this. And I'm gonna regret it forever." Her eyes fill with tears. "This was my mistake, not yours." Alaric's lower lip trembles I want to bite it but he doesn't say anything. Isobel turns on her compulsion eyes. "You are not going to remember this. I loved you. I did. And when I think about what I gave up it hurts, but now -- your heart's free of me. It's easier this way." [Nb: The closed captioning reads: "You are not going to remember this. When you think of our marriage, you are going to have such fond and beautiful memories, but that's in the past now. It's better this way. Goodbye Ric."] She smiles and tilts her head. "Goodbye, Ric." Isobel then slides his ring back on the ring finger of his right hand and strokes his cheek. Alaric only wakes from her thrall after Isobel gone. As he rubs his eyes and looks around we cut to...
Gilbert Gables; Jeremy's Room: Germ sighs and turns off the lights, only to be surprised by Anna. Jeremy smiles as he asks her what she's doing there. He smiles until he realizes she's in tears. Anna: "My mother. She's dead." Jeremy: "What?" Anna bites her lip and nods. "She was killed." Germ closes in on her. "Oh my God, Anna, hey, I'm so sorry." Anna fights back the tears that are already streaming down her face. "I know I'm not supposed to be here, but I don't have anywhere else to go." Jeremy folds her in his arms and strokes her hair. "It's okay."
Mossy Manse: Damon's pouring himself yet another drink when Stefan joins him in the parlor. "Would you like one?" When Stefan doesn't answer, Damon says, "Say it, whatever it is. Purge. Get it out." Stefan leans on the bannister. "It's about what Isobel said." Damon: "What about it?" Stefan: "Well, I know that you and Elena bonded." Bonded? Whatevs. Did you see them dance, brother? Stefan ignores me and continues. "And I know that she cares about you, and um... I know you care about her." Damon smirks. "Well, this is going in an interesting direction." Stefan says, "I'm just concerned about Elena being hurt. She considers you a -- a friend." Damon says, "Same here. Elena's a very good friend. Actually, she might qualify as my only... friend." It's sadder 'cause it's true. He adds, "Is that a problem?" Stefan: "So... at the risk of sounding like a -- uh -- like a jealous boyfriend..." Damon reassures his brother. "Oh, there is no risk. You do." Stefan smiles and closes his eyes. "History will not be repeating itself where Elena's concerned. Do you understand what I'm saying?" Damon rocks his head from side to side and smirks. "Sure. Sure." He turns his back to Stefan, but little brother Stealth Salvatores him. "Do you... understand?"
Damon tries to play it light. "Whatever you say, man. I mean, honestly, we're just friends. And as her friend, I wasn't looking forward to telling her the truth anyway, so I'll let you do it." He takes a big gulp of Scotch, allowing Stefan to ask, "What truth?" Damon: "About John. I know you guys don't like to keep secrets from each other. [...] Am I the only one around here who has the ability to put two and twp together?" Define around here Damon, because I'm pretty damned sure I called it, during Snark's first episode. I'm sorry, Gentle Readers. People hate that "I called it" shite, unless they're the ones saying it, don't they? Anyhow, while Stefan cocks his head like a confused puppy, Damon adds: "Isobel. Hello. She dated John when she was 15. She gets pregnant, and ends up at the doctor's office of John's brother. Now what do you think John's role is in all this? I mean -- go ahead. Think about it. I'll wait." Stefan goes to speak, but stops. After Damon asks if he's there yet, Stefan says, "So, you think that John is... Elena's father?" Damon raises his hands in the air. "Ding ding ding ding." Stefan laughs. "What proof do you have?" Damon: "I don't need any proof. That's a DNA test for John, Elena, and Maury Povich to deal with. Now, I know how well you deal with these big bombshells." Shudder. I just went to a McGee place. Undo it. Undo it. Sorry Damon. Continue. Damon: "So, sleep tight." On his way out of the parlor, he adds, "Oh and when you do tell Elena -- and she needs a friend to talk to about anything -- I'm here for her." Stefan's cheek muscles twitch as he watches old blue eyes depart.
Gilbert Gables: Uncle Snark (Daddy Snark? Uncle Daddy?) is licking his wounds when his cell phone rings. It's Isobel. "On your doorstep you'll find what you've been looking for." Snark asks, "And my ring?" Isobel: "Don't screw this up. You know what you have to do, John." John opens the door and finds a manila envelope. He tells Isobel that he has it and won't fail. As he opens it to find his ring and Gilbert Gizmo piece. Isobel says, "You'd better not. Katherine wants all of those tomb vampires dead. And I want to add two more to that list... Stefan and Damon. I don't want this life for her." Snark says that was always part of the plan. "Consider them gone." Isobel -- showing more emotion than she has throughout the entire episode -- says, "She's our daughter, John. We owe that to her." John's voice is quiet -- solemn. "I know." They hang up and we cut to...
The only reasons I can come up with for Katherine's involvement with Uncle Snark (Uncle Daddy?) -- with this plan to kill all the tomb vampire-refugees is that she fears reprisal, or that she has other plans for Mystic Falls. To me, the real question is: will she cheer the plan to eliminate Damon and Stefan, or will she rue it? Finally, why has she stayed away from her oh so handsome vampyric descendants, all these years? Does she blame them for her "death" and the arrests, or is she repenting for her past crimes? Heh. Okay, blame it is.
Well, the triangle is heating up nicely. On the boards, some people are sweating this, but my head (Stefan), my groin (Damon), my heart (both) have formed a triangle of their own. How can you not love both of these boys? That's just crazy sauce. Yes, Damon's an Evil Pixie Monster, but he's a beautiful Evil Pixie Monster and so very much love's bitch. I can't resist, despite myself.
C'mon back Friday morning for my recaplet of "Founder's Day." Yeah, that apostrophe floats, but that's how the episode is listed. Once I saw the "Founders Hall" sign outside the founders' headquarters, I decided to drop the apostrophe altogether when referring to the event(s) so now they've made it a singular possessive in the episode title. Whatever, Show. While you're waiting out the long week until the season finale, come on over to the forums, where no one interrupts Damon during strip poker. No one.
Cindy McLennan recaps Lost, How I Met Your Mother and The Vampire Diaries. Got a comment, request or complaint? Please e-mail her at CynthiaMcLennan[at]gmail.com, or shout out to her at her regular Twitter. Occasionally, she watches and tweets live TV from her here.
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