Episode Report Card LuluBates: A+ | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT The Worst
By LuluBates | Season 2 | Episode 8 | Aired on 03.01.2011
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.Two of the 29 human boys capable of breeding with Lisa have collapsed and died of unknown causes. The dwindling resources mean Anna is more anxious than ever to either have Lisa get her slut on with Rafael the Spanish stud or to have the hybrid aged to a respectable breeding age as quickly as possible. Lisa informs Anna she is ready to fulfill her duties with Rafael, but Tyler ruins it all by existing and fake-fighting the guy. Then Rafael dies from that mystery disease. So Tyler wins? Anna is not pleased about all these dead breeders. Joshua explains that the boys' DNA is collapsing, right now! In unison! Unfortunately, there's a cure and Tyler won't, you know, die.
The Visitors found a perfect specimen for their human DNA collection --unfortunately, it's in an adorable little girl whose mommy has a few doubts about sending her to live on a spaceship. So Anna tells the woman that she has a little girl who's the same age. To make this fact, Ryan's hybrid daughter is taken from him to be playmates with the little girl with the magic DNA, and he is slated to be killed, until he takes out the would-be assassin. Ryan then roams the ship looking for his daughter but finds Lisa, who takes him to Grandma the Good Queen. Luckily, she has invisible escape pods, and Bliss of her own to cure his daughter. Handy, right? Ryan takes the first pod out, leaving his daughter with the only mother she's ever known and a promise that he would be back. In return for her assistance, Diana instructs Lisa to tell Marcus that she's alive. Also, he is.
Erica has a super complicated plan to stop the Live Aboard program. Basically Chad has to acquire a list of Live Aboards, and then she's going to turn them all into DNA bombs via flu shots. (Now why does that sound familiar?) First, they must break into a lab and steal the vaccine. For some reason she thinks Sid the Science Kid would be a great addition to the breaking and entering team. But Jack, with all his priestly morals, is the weak link, tsk-tsking all the guns and shooting. During the break-in Kyle got shot, so Erica shoots the guard, which gives Jack pause. Then Kyle doesn't wear a shirt for an hour. (Vom.) At some point Jack realizes that injecting people with random DNA-altering viruses could be bad for them (who knew?) and calls Erica out on her cold-hearted, cutthroat attitude. She reminds him that she is the boss of him. This does not stop Jack from whining a lot.
When the Live Aboards arrive on the ship, one guy collapses and the plan is revealed to the Visitors. Anna orders all Live Aboards to be screened and anyone infected with the virus is to be killed. Bad PR be damned! Obvs she blamed the Fifth Column. Erica doesn't seem to mind that their plan failed, because Anna had to admit the Fifth Column was still alive and kicking. Jack is troubled by the deaths of 28 innocent Live Aboards, but Erica is dead inside and doesn't care. Then she sleeps with Kyle and I choke on my own vomit and DIE. The End.
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Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates is dead. You can't follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!It's morning in CGI Beijing (seriously, it's not even good CGI, it's like they aren't even trying any more) and a friendly neighborhood Peace Ambassador is handing out pamphlets in front of the Forbidden City/Imperial Palace because that is the ONLY place that exists in Beijing. I base that conclusion on every movie and/or television show ever made. Anyway, the Peace Ambassador hands a woman a tract about how if she has premarital sex with anyone but a Visitor she will go to Hell. Then his eyeballs start bleeding and pink foam erupts from his mouth. It kind of looks like what they warn you will happen if you eat Strawberry Pop Rocks and Cherry Coke at the same time. Then, instead of dropping the pamphlet that she took from the clearly dying kid, and beginning a Silkwood shower right there in the middle of the only place that exists in Beijing, the woman brings the undoubtedly infected pamphlet to her mouth as she starts to scream.
Her scream is mirrored by a Live Aboard up on the Mothership. The woman is wide awake and strapped down on the DNA Extracting Needle Machine of Misery. As she screams, Joshua watches passively as Anna gloats about extracting the best DNA from the hand-selected participants in the Live Aboard Program. The Live Aboard's magical DNA is extracted into a little vial that looks almost identical to a Nik-L-Nip candy. That DNA sample is then taken to a spiraling metallic machine where a claw-like thing appears to take and incorporate the sample into the Visitors' DNA collection. The machine is clearly designed with H.R. Giger and his School of Ominous Architecture in mind. I mean, it is enormous and spiky and pointy and uncomfortable-looking for absolutely no reason other than to look spiky and uncomfortable. Like a Cenobite or Rod Stewart's hair. I mean why bother fast-tracking your evolution if you're not going to develop some comfortable clothes, cozy designs and restful rooms? Like, what is the point of being highly evolved if your chairs are uncomfortable and your polyester pantsuit is always riding up? At that point you should just extract some DNA from Sylvia Plath and a bunch of lemmings, if you know what I mean. Anna gloats some more as she watches the DNA get added to the soup. The last shipment of Live Aboards are due tomorrow and after that they will be ready to breed like bunnies. Fiendish, terroristic, genocidal bunnies. Anna then adds that she has cut off the head of the Fifth Column, and nothing will get in her way now. But she doesn't knock wood, throw salt or cross herself, so she's screwed.
