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Two of the 29 human boys capable of breeding with Lisa have collapsed and died of unknown causes. The dwindling resources mean Anna is more anxious than ever to either have Lisa get her slut on with Rafael the Spanish stud or to have the hybrid aged to a respectable breeding age as quickly as possible. Lisa informs Anna she is ready to fulfill her duties with Rafael, but Tyler ruins it all by existing and fake-fighting the guy. Then Rafael dies from that mystery disease. So Tyler wins? Anna is not pleased about all these dead breeders. Joshua explains that the boys' DNA is collapsing, right now! In unison! Unfortunately, there's a cure and Tyler won't, you know, die.
The Visitors found a perfect specimen for their human DNA collection --unfortunately, it's in an adorable little girl whose mommy has a few doubts about sending her to live on a spaceship. So Anna tells the woman that she has a little girl who's the same age. To make this fact, Ryan's hybrid daughter is taken from him to be playmates with the little girl with the magic DNA, and he is slated to be killed, until he takes out the would-be assassin. Ryan then roams the ship looking for his daughter but finds Lisa, who takes him to Grandma the Good Queen. Luckily, she has invisible escape pods, and Bliss of her own to cure his daughter. Handy, right? Ryan takes the first pod out, leaving his daughter with the only mother she's ever known and a promise that he would be back. In return for her assistance, Diana instructs Lisa to tell Marcus that she's alive. Also, he is.
Erica has a super complicated plan to stop the Live Aboard program. Basically Chad has to acquire a list of Live Aboards, and then she's going to turn them all into DNA bombs via flu shots. (Now why does that sound familiar?) First, they must break into a lab and steal the vaccine. For some reason she thinks Sid the Science Kid would be a great addition to the breaking and entering team. But Jack, with all his priestly morals, is the weak link, tsk-tsking all the guns and shooting. During the break-in Kyle got shot, so Erica shoots the guard, which gives Jack pause. Then Kyle doesn't wear a shirt for an hour. (Vom.) At some point Jack realizes that injecting people with random DNA-altering viruses could be bad for them (who knew?) and calls Erica out on her cold-hearted, cutthroat attitude. She reminds him that she is the boss of him. This does not stop Jack from whining a lot.
When the Live Aboards arrive on the ship, one guy collapses and the plan is revealed to the Visitors. Anna orders all Live Aboards to be screened and anyone infected with the virus is to be killed. Bad PR be damned! Obvs she blamed the Fifth Column. Erica doesn't seem to mind that their plan failed, because Anna had to admit the Fifth Column was still alive and kicking. Jack is troubled by the deaths of 28 innocent Live Aboards, but Erica is dead inside and doesn't care. Then she sleeps with Kyle and I choke on my own vomit and DIE. The End.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!It's morning in CGI Beijing (seriously, it's not even good CGI, it's like they aren't even trying any more) and a friendly neighborhood Peace Ambassador is handing out pamphlets in front of the Forbidden City/Imperial Palace because that is the ONLY place that exists in Beijing. I base that conclusion on every movie and/or television show ever made. Anyway, the Peace Ambassador hands a woman a tract about how if she has premarital sex with anyone but a Visitor she will go to Hell. Then his eyeballs start bleeding and pink foam erupts from his mouth. It kind of looks like what they warn you will happen if you eat Strawberry Pop Rocks and Cherry Coke at the same time. Then, instead of dropping the pamphlet that she took from the clearly dying kid, and beginning a Silkwood shower right there in the middle of the only place that exists in Beijing, the woman brings the undoubtedly infected pamphlet to her mouth as she starts to scream.
Her scream is mirrored by a Live Aboard up on the Mothership. The woman is wide awake and strapped down on the DNA Extracting Needle Machine of Misery. As she screams, Joshua watches passively as Anna gloats about extracting the best DNA from the hand-selected participants in the Live Aboard Program. The Live Aboard's magical DNA is extracted into a little vial that looks almost identical to a Nik-L-Nip candy. That DNA sample is then taken to a spiraling metallic machine where a claw-like thing appears to take and incorporate the sample into the Visitors' DNA collection. The machine is clearly designed with H.R. Giger and his School of Ominous Architecture in mind. I mean, it is enormous and spiky and pointy and uncomfortable-looking for absolutely no reason other than to look spiky and uncomfortable. Like a Cenobite or Rod Stewart's hair. I mean why bother fast-tracking your evolution if you're not going to develop some comfortable clothes, cozy designs and restful rooms? Like, what is the point of being highly evolved if your chairs are uncomfortable and your polyester pantsuit is always riding up? At that point you should just extract some DNA from Sylvia Plath and a bunch of lemmings, if you know what I mean. Anna gloats some more as she watches the DNA get added to the soup. The last shipment of Live Aboards are due tomorrow and after that they will be ready to breed like bunnies. Fiendish, terroristic, genocidal bunnies. Anna then adds that she has cut off the head of the Fifth Column, and nothing will get in her way now. But she doesn't knock wood, throw salt or cross herself, so she's screwed.
Last week, Eli Cohen's Fifth Column lieutenants told Erica that if she didn't come up with a plan to attack the Visitors head-on, they would pass the leadership mantle to someone else within the organization who would continue their 'splosions across America plan. So Erica came up with a plan and has called a meeting. But first she has to run the gauntlet of Doubting Thomases within her own ranks who are offering up doleful stares and asking whether she is ready to lead an international terrorist organization. I mean, she's a woman -- can she really be trusted to blow shit up? And what about during those 5-7 days of the month when she's watching Katherine Heigl movies and sobbing because they are true? Anyway, Erica is nonplussed by the doubters and she has a resigned look on her face. Actually it's not a resigned look. It's a placated cow look. Back when I used to recap Lost, I would get incredibly frustrated with this dumb cow face that Elizabeth Mitchell would make, so I was really happy when I realized that the bovine quality was seemingly part of her character "Juliet" and was mostly absent from other fictional character "Erica Evans." Now, however, as Elizabeth Mitchell explores Erica Evans as a newly damaged and abandoned woman with a mission, I see the face is back. Let me be clear: I HATE YOUR DUMB COW FACE. Seriously, she looks like she's just finished chewing her cud and hasn't quite gotten around to getting another mouthful because she is too damn lazy and is content picking the detritus out of her cow teeth. She just sort of stares at Jack as he expresses concern about her, and then Kyle makes hubba hubba eyes at her and she gives him the same half-mast blank stare. Maybe she's stoned? I don't know.
Anyway, our fearless bovine leader has nominated Sid the Science Kid as AV guy, because duh. Who else would she ask? The former priest? He sets up the Skype conference call with the lieutenants around the globe, and Erica explains her incredibly complicated plan to stop the Visitors. In short, the Visitors are expecting their last shipment of Live Aboard walking DNA samples to arrive tomorrow. Erica is going to stop them. Not by, say, stopping them, but by stealing the passenger list for the last shuttle, breaking into a guarded lab to steal a flu virus, re-engineering the virus, dosing a few of the Live Aboards with the new virus that will alter their DNA and turn them into DNA bombs all within the span of 24 hours. Easy, right? You know that scene in "Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery" where Dr. Evil concocts a really convoluted scheme to kill Austin Powers with, like, lasers attached to sharks or something and Seth Green is standing there saying, "Just shoot them. With a gun. Right now. Here's the gun. Just shoot them." But Dr. Evil won't do it, because just shooting someone in the head is kind of boring, storywise, and only takes, like, 30 seconds, leaving you with an hour and a half of screen time to fill and you're kind of lazy? That's exactly how I feel about this plan. The lieutenants' only concern with the plan is that it will irk Anna, which kind of seems like the point right? They want to make sure that Erica is prepared for Anna to go a-hunting for the new head of the Fifth Column. She's okay with that. She's kind of metal for a cud-chewing cow face. After she hangs up with the lieutenants (who actually seem to be acting more like a curmudgeonly Board of Directors) Kyle nudges her because she is "his kind of lady," and then I barf in my mouth and we move right along.
Anna appears to be blankly staring out the window when Joshua comes into the room with an urgent report. Instead of turning to look at him, she continues to stare out the window while Joshua talks to her back, which seems like it should be considered rude inter-galactically, right? I mean, turn around, bitch! Joshua tells her back that two of the 29 boys who are most viable for breeding have fallen ill. There's the one in Beijing with his Ebola eyes and cautionary tale mouth foaming, but a kid in Johannesburg has also kicked the proverbial bucket. He had the great misfortune of dying on the mothership, so Joshua is going to autopsy him. Anna quickly asks about Tyler, and Joshua assures her he seemed fine at his pilot training. The way Anna asked made it almost seem like she cared, in that gross human way, about Tyler and his well-being. Seriously now, if you were an emotionless alien who was going to pick one other person or humanoid or even animal to express human feelings about, why Tyler? I mean, he has no redeeming characteristics and he can't even manage to keep his phosphorus levels up high enough to be a viable breeding partner for your daughter. Why him? Joshua notes that Rafael the Spanish Stud is still the most viable partner for Lisa, but since she rejected him so rudely (where ever did she learn such dreadful manners?) he'll do his best to patch up Tyler. Anna reminds him/us that the Hybrid (a.k.a. Ryan's daughter, not the creepy Powder-in-a- Pool thing from Battlestar Galactica) has been successfully aged, so she can be the Queen and bred if necessary. Lisa can be treated like any other traitor. Cue the swelling ominous music.
Like an Olympic diving coach prepping for the Games, Anna replays Lisa's failed performance with Rafael for their review. Lisa looks disappointed in herself and promises her mother that she will do better time. Anna reminds her that she will be fertile soon and... whoa. Seriously, crossbreed me with a lemming and Sylvia Plath if I am ever talking ovulation with my mother. I mean, just kill me dead. Lisa isn't in touch with her human feelings enough to realize how incredibly barfy most humans would find that conversation. Instead she informs her mother that she has set up a meeting with Rafael and she will perform all her duties. No nudge nudge, wink wink needed to know what she means. Mr. Turtleneck comes in asking for a private word with Anna. Lisa leaves looking vaguely horrified, but not oh-my-God- my-mom-knows-when-I'm-fertile horrified. Mr. Turtleneck reports that a teeny-tiny little girl has thrown a wrench in the evil aliens' plans. Seems she has the best immune system they have ever seen, and they really want to add it to their collection so can win the prize at the trans-universe 4H fair, but her big, bad mommy has some doubts about uprooting her life and coming to live on the spaceship. Mr. Turtleneck is saddened to report that the impertinent mommy insists on speaking to Anna in person. God, she's such an overprotective parent. Just let your little girl go free-range! Anna agrees to speak to the woman, mother to mother, and get that little girl on board so they can stick a thousand needles in her and get that prize-winning DNA.
Erica, Kyle, Jack and Sid the Science Kid are huddled over some blueprints planning their break-in into the lab holding the virus. Sid has never seen someone plan a heist before, but he doesn't think there are enough sharks with lasers to make it work. Erica explains that it's a small lab with minimal security, so they are just going to go in hard and fast and be done with it. Oh, and Sid the Science Kid is going, too. Sid is not so into that plan, but Erica and Kyle need him to find the correct virus for them, so it's not up for debate. The moral minority of this crew, Jack, does not like that they are dragging Sid, a scared science kid, into this scheme. Erica really doesn't care what he thinks. Sid the Science Kid is coming on the raid.
A shuttlecraft lands on the mothership, and an adorable little girl runs in circles on the deck. Anna comes up to the little girl and scares the bejeezus out of her by basically doing a pitch-perfect Red-Riding-Hood-meeting-the-Big-Bad-Wolf impersonation, "My, what big eyes you have!" and smiling really big. Damn girl, brush up on your humanity, 'cause that shit will freak any kid out. Obviously, the girl runs to hide behind her mother. The woman explains to Anna that she is hesitant to live aboard the ship because she would have to leave her daughter on terra firma. Anna smiles as she explains that the bundle of joy is more than welcome on board -- in fact, they encourage her to bring the little one so they can stick a thousand needles in her and maker her cry. The woman looks hesitant and points out that there are no other kids on the spaceship and no playgroups and no Music for Aardvarks and no enrichment classes, and how is she going to get into Harvard or even one of the Seven Sisters if she doesn't have toddler Mandarin classes? Anna reminds her that if her daughter is the only kid on a spaceship, it means she will have one heck of a college entrance essay. Also, she has a daughter who is just exactly the same age as her little girl. They can be best friends. Anna adds that her daughter's name is Amy, and the sucker woman smiles that Amy was her mother's name. Anna smiles -- what a coincidence!
Cut to Ryan playing the alien version of pattycake with his kiddo. He kisses her on the head and tells her to go get her doll. Then the soldiers swoop in and swipe the little girl for Anna's personal use. Then one of the footmen sloppily points a gun at Ryan to kill him on Anna's orders. But Ryan overpowers him in about two seconds and immolates the soldier. I hope he doesn't inhale. Meanwhile, Joshua is hard at work trying to figure out what is plaguing the genetically altered breeder boys. (Psst... Pop Rocks and Coke. Look into it.) Suddenly he realizes something is wrong and turns to find Ryan Nichols pointing a gun at him. Ryan asks where his daughter is. Joshua tells him the truth, Anna has the little girl, and there is no way Ryan will be able to get her. Ryan seems to accept that and lowers his gun a bit. He tells Joshua that they used to be friends and fight for the Fifth Column together. Joshua explains that he is not that person any more, but Ryan is pretty sure that once you lose your human emotion V-card you can never go back to being a V. Joshua is pretty sure he is an emotional virgin, but looks relieved that Ryan didn't kill him due to their past relationship. [Of course, Ryan still punches him hard in the face and leaves him on the floor. - Zach]
Erica is wearing a very sensible head band under her ski mask. All the burglars are doing it to make sure that they don't get unruly hair, so if they got caught they don't get Nolte'd in their mug shot. The team don their masks, smash the glass door of the building, raise the alarm, tase the guard and head into the lab. Sid the Science Kid starts rummaging through the vials looking for the correct virus. The team left Jack as lookout, and he fails to stop a security guard from walking into their heist. The guard shoots Kyle before Jack has a chance to tackle him. Erica pops two caps in his ass (by ass I mean chest), and Jack freaks out because he was a priest and this is not very priestly behavior. Jack realizes that the guy is wearing a bulletproof vest, so his horror at Erica's cutthroat behavior transforms into a serious case of Disappointment. That's right, he's not mad, just disappointed. What has Erica become? While Father Jack gets his Dad Face on, the rest of the team grabs the vials they need to save humankind and make a run for it. Back at either their lair or Sid's lab, Kyle's wound is tended to by Father Jack, the former army medic. Kyle has no shirt on, and even as a hetero woman I honestly have no idea if I am supposed to find that distractingly attractive. To be clear, I don't. To be clearer: Yech. While Kyle is nearly nude, Sid the Science Kid engineers a virus. Doesn't take too long, but he is not working fast enough for taskmaster Erica. She barks at him to hurry up and he finishes and hands her enough virus to go to 28 different countries for dosing the Live Aboards before they head to the ships. When Sid leaves, Jack calls Erica out for shooting an innocent man in the chest. At first, she pretends she knew he was wearing a vest, but since even new hardcore Erica can't lie to a priest for long, she soon confesses that she shot him because she couldn't fail in her mission, whatever the cost. Jack is Very Seriously Disappointed now. Erica goes to help Kyle put on his jacket and ends up loitering in extremely close proximity until Jack clears his throat reminding them that he is still in the room and, also, gross. Erica takes a few steps back and reminds him that it was all for nothing if Chad Decker doesn't come through with the list of Live Aboard participants.
Anna and Mr. Turtleneck stare at "Amy," her recently adopted human-Visitor hybrid "daughter," as Mr. Turtleneck reports that Ryan Nichols is still missing on the ship and is definitely not dead. Yet. Anna encourages him to find him and kill him already so she can have the daughter she always wanted. Mr. Turtleneck impertinently asks how she is going to make this little girl-like thing believe she is her mommy, and Anna reminds him that she held her, fed her with her very own CGI'd mouth, and healed her pain. Apparently Mr. Turtleneck got some big cojones at the company mercantile, because he then reminds Anna that she was the one who caused the little girl pain in the first place by making her sick. Instead of smiting him on the spot, Anna just smiles and says her new daughter will love her forever and ever. Geez, Anna's getting soft.
Speaking of disappointing daughters, Lisa is ready to do her duty and boink Rafael's brains out like her big pimpin' mommy said to. Just as she's about to get down to business in a room outfitted with nothing but a big white marital bed, Tyler walks in and interrupts the festivities. He orders the Spanish Stallion to unhand his woman or else. But Rafael, who has almost a foot on Tyler and a Spanish accent to boot, just tells Tyler to calm down. Lisa asks Tyler to chillax, too, but Tyler being Tyler just can't. So he gets a stepstool and manages to land a few punches on Rafael's face before Rafael goes limp. Tyler looks confused because even he didn't think he was a very good fighter, but Rafael is definitely down for the count. Then he starts bleeding out his eyes and foaming from the mouth. Tyler looks pretty impressed with himself.
Back at Fifth Column HQ, Chad Decker delivers all the information he has on the participants in the Live Aboard Program. They are going to pick one lucky participant to dose with the re-engineered virus. Sid the Science Kid comes in and reports that the virus is winging its way around the globe to the other 28 cities and he just hopes it remains stable when it gets injected into the civilians. At the hint of moral turpitude, Jack perks up like the Dormouse in "Alice in Wonderland", "What? Instability? What?" Sid raises an eyebrow and reminds Jack that creating a DNA bomb out of a flu virus is probably going to make the recipient feel kinda yucky. It's not like the FDA has approved this process. Erica makes her stupid cow face when Jack glances at her. Now that Sid has so rudely pulled Jack's head out of the sand with all his science and facts and thinky stuff, Jack has to find some moral high ground. Erica never told him there would be side effects! Is this what they do now? Cause dry mouth, headache, rash and/or death in innocent people? The Erica he knows wouldn't have done this. This isn't the Erica he knows. Erica rolls her eyes and reminds Jack that she is the boss of him. In short: Shut it. After Jack's guilt trip fails (because it was 100% lacking in tiger blood, because he is not winning) Erica leaves him in the car (with the windows up) while she runs her errands. She just needs to swing by the coffee shop and some how dose the guy's coffee with the re-engineered virus. The editors artfully gloss over this part, because seriously, how would they explain some guy in NYC letting a stranger dose his coffee? Like, how would she ever get his actual coffee in her hand? I mean, they show her stirring the guy's coffee and handing it to the guy and she's not wearing a Starbucks apron or anything so... Whatever. I'm just saying, I wouldn't let anyone touch my coffee, would you?
Joshua and Anna walk and talk. Rafael the Spanish Stud is on life support stricken down by the same disease as the boys in Beijing and Johannesburg. He has come to the conclusion that they are all being simultaneously stricken because the Visitors stripped their DNA down to nubbins and the genetic ladders are collapsing. He doesn't bother trying to explain why this would all be happening in unison, (because why would it be happening 18 years after the fact and simultaneously?), so instead I will just assume it has to do with all the training for the Vs' synchronized swimming team. They were going to rock the Olympic Games, but instead they are dead. Too bad, so sad. Anna tells Joshua to fix it, and she may have stamped her foot in encouragement, but there is nothing he can do. The only hope they have is an old man living under an assumed name on the distant planet of Tatooine. Anna will send him a digital message... but first she has to fix her hair. By the way, if I was Obi Wan Kenobi and intergalactic witness protection was going to stash me somewhere to keep me safe from the evil Empire, I would hope they would do a better job than naming me Old Ben Kenobi. The real new hope is that the magical DNA they are extracting from all the hapless Live Aboards will form a new genetic strain that will save the boys and thus the breeding program. Speaking of husbandry, Lisa is bereft at the bedside of the now-comatose Rafael. Tyler the schmuck comes to apologize. It's unclear whether he wants to say he's sorry to Lisa or Rafael. Since Lisa is still breathing on her own, she tells him that he should leave. She is in line to be the leader of the Visitors and he is just some dumb wannabe shuttle pilot, so sometimes she can't explain everything that is going on, and he should just trust her. Tyler blurts that it's because he cares about her that he acted like a 'roid-ragin' jackass. Maybe if she were human she would understand. Lisa punches him in the junk and he leaves. Well, he left, but she didn't punch him, because she is LAME.
Erica gets the report from the global Fifth Column network. The team has succeeded in slipping the virus to Live Aboard participants in each of the 29 cities. So far, their plan has worked. Erica looks pleased. Speaking of pleased, Anna is pleased that the adorable little girl with the magical DNA has convinced her mommy to come live on the mothership. Anna sends them to their quarters and instructs Mr. Turtleneck to begin extracting the DNA from the itty-bitty baby girl immediately. Evil sure has a pretty face. And probably spends a lot of time at the barber. I mean, seriously, that hair cut doesn't trim itself. Or does it? Anyway, the guy Erica dosed in the coffee shop is having some sweat issues, and then he passes out on top of a Visitor. Joshua figures it out pretty darn quickly. If they had added his DNA to their strange brew of extracted genetic material, it would have ruined the whole concoction and their plan would have been irreparably set back. Instead of talking to her staff, Anna goes to stare at a wall while she devises a new plan. All Live Aboards must be screened for the DNA bomb and anyone carrying the virus will be killed. They will blame it on the Fifth Column. Mr. Turtleneck points out that this will be announcing the rebirth of the rebel alliance, but Anna sees no other choice. Did the Visitors really think that killing one guy would stop the rebellion? That seems pretty silly. Also, why do the Visitors call themselves "the visitors"? Just sayin'.
Lisa goes to have a good, long think about her choices in men when Ryan Nichols points his gun at her. He wants her help in escaping from the ship with his daughter. She doesn't really bother pretending to put up a fight, but takes him straight to Grandma Diana. Ryan can't believe that Diana is alive ,and Diana can't believe that such a hunka hunka burning love was living on board the ship, and Lisa only just now delivered him up to her. Lisa explains that Ryan is not there to be her sex slave, but rather he needs help to escape. Diana sighs that any enemy of Anna's is a friend of hers. Back when she was queen, she hid a few invisible escape pods around the ship and Ryan can totally take one. Ryan thinks that is super-helpful and convenient, and not at all incredibly lazy writing. But! He won't leave until he can see his daughter one last time. Lisa will see what she can do to distract her mother so Ryan can say farewell. Diana doesn't get it. How does Ryan have a kid? He explains that his daughter is a human-Visitor hybrid, and Diana is intrigued because she didn't think it was possible. Also, she can cure the little girl with her Bliss, because she is still a queen even if she is locked in a sub-basement. Wait. Just last week Mr. Turtleneck said that the speedy aging had cured "Amy" of her pain, so why is Ryan still going on about this? Whatever, show.
Chad Decker goes on the air to report that the Fifth Column has struck again against the Visitors, putting suicide bombers on the ships among the Live Aboards. Jack looks much aggrieved when he hears that the so-called suicide bombers were killed, but Erica is pleased. While her plan to halt the breeding program failed, she did get Anna to publicly announce that the Fifth Column still exists. That alone is worth a shot and a beer and a pretty balloon, in Erica's opinion. She tells her lieutenants to stay on the offensive and not let up until they win. Jack can't help but be a party pooper, though. He pops all the balloons and turns down a body shot from the nice stripper that Kyle recruited to the cause. Jack just can't manage to let himself relax and enjoy the deaths of 29 innocent people. Erica asks Kyle to take the Sid the Science Kid out for a beer so she can talk to Jack alone. She reminds him that they are at war, and the loss of 29 people is tragic, but with billions of human lives at risk, she would make the same choice again and again. Jack refuses to believe that there isn't part of Erica that recognizes the tragedy, but Erica has gone stone cold. She claims that the only tragedy is that the DNA bombs didn't work. She pulls away from Jack to go eat a celebratory bucket of wings or whatever it is revolutionaries do to celebrate a job almost well done. As he watches her go, Jack tears up and starts humming "Losing My Religion."
Up on the ship, Ryan Nichols prepares for his escape from bitch mountain. He opens a computer screen where he sees his daughter playing with a doll to Anna. Then he hears Lisa come in and you realize that Ryan is watching via Lisa's iJacket camera. She distracts her mother with a promise to be a great queen and a vow to never disappoint her mommy ever again, ever. Anna smiles and you think Ryan is about to make his big move and grab his daughter, but instead he just watches her image on the screen and whispers "goodbye" and "I'm sorry" and "I'll come back for you" and a whole bunch of nonsense which, along with a few thousand dollars, will pay for her therapy bills. I mean, how can he not take his daughter? WTF? I mean, it's not like the girl has ever expressed any interest in Ryan, but she's his daughter. He should grab her and run. Instead, Ryan stares at his daughter and then closes the screen, opens another one, presses a few buttons, and out of nowhere a walnut-shaped escape pod drops down from its super-hidden location on the roof. Ryan climbs in and launches himself into space while the theme song from 2001: A Space Odyssey plays. Or it would be playing if this show could be bothered to cough up the money for the rights to it. Just hum it instead.
The adorable little girl with the magical DNA is passed out on the Table of a Thousand Needles and is wearing nothing but a few strips of sheet metal covering her important bits. I hope the PMRC isn't watching this smut! I also hope the pint-sized actress' parents got paid enough for HER future therapy bills. The girl is unconscious when her DNA gets taken, so at least we don't have to hear the little angel screaming in agony. The V doctor takes the sample of her magical DNA to the ominous mixing machine, and the Nik-L-Nip is added to the genetic stew. This was the last bit of DNA seasoning they needed, so Anna orders Joshua to prepare injections and to administer them to all of the boys chosen for breeding, beginning with Tyler. She then tells Mr. Turtleneck that the Fifth Column's attack means that they know a lot of her plan. He needs to find the new head of the organization and cut it off. Yawn. Can we get on with the breeding already? That has some vague potential of being interesting, as opposed to another episode of the mommy wars between Erica and Anna.
Lisa reports to Diana that Ryan Nichols has escaped. Diana is pleased that Lisa brought Ryan to her. He has emotions like they do, and these feelings make them powerful, but before Diana can explain how or why or any of her plan, they will need help. She dispatches Lisa to make contact with the one person on the ship she truly trusts: Marcus, a.k.a. Anna's former No. 2. Also, he's alive!
Erica sits on her couch and finds a photograph of the Live Aboard she dosed. She is having regrets and wants to talk to Jack about it. She calls, but he won't answer. His disappointment is too great. She tells his voicemail that she knows today was hard, but she really wants to talk to him about feelings and emotions and what it's like to have a conscience. Her doorbell rings and she opens the door to find Kyle standing there. He opens his jacket and hands her a bottle of bourbon or scotch or rye. Since he bought her such a nice present, she has no choice but to put out. I mean, it was no lobster dinner, but still, what choice does a girl have? So Erica makes out with Kyle and I choke on my own vomit and DIE. The End.
Epilogue: Anna gives Tyler a hot injection of her own. It's just the rest of his DNA. So I guess he's a breeder? Look out ladies. Tyler's on the prowl.
Watch a clip from the episode below, discuss it in our forums, then refresh your V-knowledge with our guide to the A to Z of V.
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Talk Without Pity, the social media site for real TV fans. See Tweets and Facebook comments in real time and add your own -- all without leaving TWoP. Join the conversation now!
Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates is dead. You can't follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.