Episode Report Card LuluBates: A+ | 1 USERS: A+ YOU GRADE IT Soul Searching
By LuluBates | Season 2 | Episode 2 | Aired on 01.11.2011
s the V-shaped scar that shows her affinity for cutting and her allegiance to the Fifth Column. The woman starts being much more helpful. She claims she never met any other members of the Fifth Column, because all their interactions were online. When the time came for her to strap one on, she was picked up in a van, blindfolded and taken somewhere that might be near a river. Erica takes that clue and runs to call Kyle. He's been playing Encyclopedia Brown (which is kind of a sad state of affairs when Kyle is the brains of the operation) and has a list of ex-Mossad agents. Yes, one of them does have a warehouse on the water, why does she ask? Erica tells him to meet her there.Kyle is already wandering the dusty rows when Agent Malik gets there. She hears something and lies in wait for Kyle. Luckily he is gun clairvoyant or got a camera installed in the back of his head like this guy or something and knows she has a gun trained on him. He lunges for it and knocks her unconscious. Then he sees her badge and runs for it. Malik wakes up and starts shooting, but Kyle is gone. She then reaches up inside her face and pulls out a loose bone shard. Basically, Vs are gross and should never be invited to cocktail parties. I mean, who does that? Kyle runs smack into Erica, who has just arrived, and they tussle before she recognizes him and he tells her that Malik is there, too. She tells him to split before Malik realizes they are working together. Kyle runs off, leaving Erica alone with Agent Malik, who at this point is probably chewing her fingernails and spitting them on the floor or wiping bogeys on the walls.
Up on the Mothership, Anna reveals her new plan: She orders Joshua to make Ryan's baby sick. She doesn't care what the kid has -- toe fungus, St. Vitus dance, the croup -- just something that will make the baby cry incessantly. So ...he's going to give the baby gas? Or just not let it hold his car keys for a minute? Frankly, making a baby cry is not that hard. Not that I've tried or anything, really, but c'mon, children cry all the time. That's why they couldn't run for Congress until John Boehner paved the way. But, seriously, Anna, THAT is your plan? Make the baby cry? Why don't you just make it watch this show?
Meanwhile, down on earth Ryan and Father Jack are still on their "Mindwalk" reboot at the church when Ryan falls to the ground to pray? To beg Father Jack to stop trying to convert him to Catholicism? I guess that's par for the course if you pal around with priests, though. I mean, he was TOTALLY asking for it. So Ryan is down on bended knee when Anna's floating head appears to him in a shining white light. She pleads with him to accept her bliss and save his baby from, you know, crying. Ryan yells no, no, no because crying is pretty freaking normal and a floating white head is not.
Erica has called in the cavalry to the warehouse and they have uncovered the mother lode of DIY terrorism: blank passports, vests with bombs, detonators, mannequins, and not of the Kim Cattrall variety. Erica is convinced this was ground zero for the Fifth Column, but before she can complete her thought her phone rings. It's Kyle. He tries to get her to play a guessing game, but she's kinda sorta busy right now. He sighs that she is SUCH a party pooper and then tells her that he found the successful suicide bomber's car and he had a GPS with a different address in Ossining. By the way, Kyle wears really skinny jeans, which seems... odd. Erica hangs up and her boss calls her over to look at some invoices with an Ossining address. He wants her to go check it out, and he wants her to take Malik with her. Talk about a party pooper!
Elsewhere, Chad Decker is editing his own footage... wait, is that normal in the news industry? That the anchorman edits the film, too? That seems unlikely what with the existence of editors and all. Anyway he spies something in the film and does not like what he sees at all. He gets his panties in a bunch and marches on over to the church because yelling at a priest is a good way to make yourself feel better. He hollers, "I thought I was part of the team!" Father Jack reminds him that according to the bible and/or Successories, which are the same for some people, there is no "I" in "Team", but what is Chad going on about? Chad reminds Father Jack that he almost got himself 'sploded today and that means they are not playing on the same team. Father Jack agrees, but denies any involvement in those 'splosions. The resistance he is part of would NEVER blow up innocents... or humans. Except for dead humans, but that's a story for a different time.
Chad sighs with the burden of a man about to do the right thing and not at all used to it: He tells Father Jack that Erica is in trouble. On the tape, he saw Agent Malik steal part of the bomb and hand it over to No. 2. He's pretty sure that is outside the scope of FBI regulations and Erica is probably going to be killed. I'm not quite buying the leap in logic there, Chad, but it does make a nice segue to Erica driving in her car in the dark with Malik. Ossining never seemed so far. Malik makes fake small talk in the car and Erica lies to her and then Erica makes fake small talk back and lies to her. Erica notices blood stains on Malik's shirt and remembers seeing blood on the floor of the warehouse. Malik sees her notice and then pulls a gun on her and tells her to pull over. Then: Divine Intervention. Father Jack calls Erica, distracting Malik momentarily. Erica makes a sharp left and the car flips over. Is everyone dead? Was that god's plan?
Ryan sits alone in his hotel (?) room when Anna beams in. She holds his crying daughter. She explains that the girl is crying and in pain. Ryan shrugs, did she change her diaper, feed her? Did she burp her? Did she get in the car and drive around the block five times? Anna looks vexed and says, NO. The baby is crying because it is sick, not because it is a baby. Pay attention. Ryan continues: Did you pat her bottom? Did you sing that one lullaby? Did you try the baby swing? What about the rocker? Anna blurts: NO. The baby is crying because it is sick and only my Bliss can help it. It is NOT crying just because it is a baby. Focus! Ryan rolls his eyes and asks what Anna is going on about. Anna smiles, hands the baby to someone else, and tells him that the baby is sick and only her Bliss can save it. He rolls his eyes again, because he knows that, woman! Anna tells him he has no soul, will never have a soul, and only she can make him happy on the inside. A tear rolls down Ryan's cheek as he tells Anna not to let the girl suffer, he'll do whatever the heck she wants. Just don't feed the baby inorganic produce! Anna smiles coldly and hangs up on Ryan. She finds Joshua and tells him everything she knows about the soul. He promises to root it out and crush it like a stuffed animal under the weight of an Ugg. Anna is beaming with pride when she reports to her mother that the chief medical officer is preparing to remove the soul like it's nothing more than an ugly neck mole. Diana smirks that it won't be that easy. Besides, soon Anna will feel the sting of her daughter's betrayal, it's inevitable. Much like it is inevitable that this show will not be around next year. Aw snap. Or something.
Melissa Locker a.k.a. Lulu Bates is pretty sure you could destroy souls by making them watch this show for eternity. You can follow her on Twitter @woolyknickers.