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The CIA has it on good authority the President-elect of Peru, Alberto Loya, will be assassinated at his inauguration. They just don't know why or by whom. Central Intelligence Agency, my ass! The plan is to get to Lima and have Samantha pose as a reporter, since Loya is not picky about whom he allows to interview him. She tries to find out if he has any known enemies, but it's nothing doing, so Steven decides the best way to get a lead is to pose as the hot, new assassin in town and land the job. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Everything goes according to plan up until the point where Steven is supposed to pull the trigger, except they still have no idea who is at the top of the food chain. Samantha gets emotionally involved in Loya's protection because he reminds her of her old journalism professor, so she tries to get him out of harm's way. It's like a really messed-up and misguided hot-for-dead-teacher type thing. Her panicked attempt leads her to get captured by the man behind the assassination plot -- a member of the oil company from which Loya plans to divert a major pipeline. Steven's able to snipe the man and save both Loya and Samantha with a little help from Leo.
Back home, Samantha reveals to Steven her old professor was actually the man who recruited her to join the CIA. Samantha blamed herself for him being killed (even though he was killed by a car bomb and she's foggy on the details) and it was a major reason she left the CIA. Another episode, another lame secret reveal.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!A motorcade passes through Lima, Peru with scores of people lining the streets to cheer it on. While this is going on, we see flashes of a pair of gloved hands unpacking a rifle. The rifle is constructed by a man in a tower as the important politician in the motorcade steps out of his limo and waves to the crowd. He makes his way to a podium in a courtyard which is overlooked by a tower. Hm... makes you wonder if that's the same tower that gunman is in. The politician begins his speech to the cheering crowd as his head is lined up in crosshairs. The camera pulls back from the barrel of the rife to reveal the gunman is Steven. He pulls the trigger.
A plain black-and-white title card reads, "3 days earlier." Oh... so three days earlier somebody wrote that completely unconvincing scene? Steven and Samantha do their bickering thing at Bloom Catering, and if that's not enough indication that nothing ground-breaking for Steven's character will happen leading up to that scene, I don't know what is. Lizzy informs Samantha that an old friend of Sam's from college has let herself in and would like to speak with Sam. She's an attractive and high-strung woman who pretends she wasn't snooping through Samantha's papers when Sam and Steven walk into their office to greet her. Jennifer Anthony is her name and she is an old classmate of Samantha's from Yale. Small talk between the three reveals Samantha was in journalism and was selected by her professor exclusively to go on assignment in Hong Kong. Samantha goes melancholy at breaking the news to Jennifer that Professor Schilling died in a car accident. On that sad note, the Blooms have to excuse themselves because they have a meeting with Shaw. Lizzy will be handling Jennifer's catering job.
The file for a Victor Guzman is put in front of the Blooms by Shaw. He's an elusive hitman who was recently caught in Santiago, Chile after a lengthy sting operation. His capture has remained a secret, and he's revealed to the CIA he had been hired by a broker named Mikhail Ivanov to assassinate the President-elect of Peru, Alberto Loya. The assassination is likely still on with a different gunman, but there's no lead on who wants Loya dead. The US government wants Loya in power, and any involvement in preventing his assassination must remain undetected.
That night at the Undercovers Home, Samantha examines a small charm bracelet she's dug out of her closet. Steven asks about it, so Sam explains it was given to her by her professor before she went to Hong Kong. She gushes over the guy, saying he made you believe anyone could change the world. She wonders if he'd still be proud of her. Steven's sure he would be. Come on. She's a master chef and superspy. Those two things combined would make any journalism teacher proud. The conversation shifts to the plan for Peru. There will be a press event in Lima leading up to Loya's inauguration. Loya is pretty open about giving interviews, so they'll just need to secure credentials to get in. From there, Samantha just needs to get him comfortable enough to divulge all his mortal enemies to her. The Blooms always have the best plans. It's why this show works.
Lima, Peru postcard. It's daytime in a plaza where Samantha is rocking bright green business attire. She checks in for her press credentials as Edna Karter with a "K." That "K" causes the check-in counter to not be able to find her name initially and provide a brief scare for the operatives, and at this point it's really sad for that to realistically be the most suspenseful moment in the episode. With all of that sorted out, Samantha takes a seat and is immediately hit on by another reporter named Matt Hunt and it's David Anders from Alias! OK, let's not get too excited, guys. Let's see where this goes. We've been hurt/bored before, remember. He and Sam make small talk about Loya, and she tries to dig for some dirt by exalting the President-elect. He seems like a saint in politician's clothing, she says. No enemies. "Trust me. There's always an enemy," Matt says ominously. "You just have to be the first person to find him." And, with that, it's Sam's turn to go speak with Loya.
Sam and Loya's introduction is quite pleasant, and they quickly exchange ideologies. Loya joined politics because he wanted to help people and make a difference. He attributes his success to the Peruvian people. As this conversation goes on, Leo is sent to the press check-in table to create a disturbance so Sam will be left alone with Loya as his security detail goes to check it out. Once alone, she tells Loya his life is in danger, but she really doesn't have any proof or any advice on the issue. All she has is her vow to protect him because of her belief that she knows who he is and what he stands for... based on her journalism professor. She pleads with Loya to cancel his public appearances until they can figure out who is out to get him, but he's as stubborn as he is noble. He's no coward, he says. Security returns and Loya asks Samantha to leave. "Everything will work itself out," says Loya.
Walking and talking on her earpiece, Samantha brings Steven and Leo up to speed. Steven's wise to her getting emotionally invested in this because of her professor. He reminds Sam that Loya is not Professor Schilling. She just has him on her mind. The plan is now for Leo to stay in Lima to try and work his way into Loya's circle, while everyone else heads to Rio de Janeiro to pay a visit to the assassination broker, Ivanov. He's not aware the CIA has captured Victor Guzman, so Steven figures he can assume the role of the assassin to prevent the assassination. He grins devilishly at the risky plan. Yawn.
'Till death do us part title card. Commercials
Rio de Janeiro postcard. We're in a hot nightclub with plenty of attractive Brazilian women dancing around. We pan in close-up by a surveillance camera. Cut to Steven and Samantha viewing video feeds from a laptop. They find the feed for Ivanov's office where he's currently being straddled by a young woman on a couch and totally getting to first base. First base is just making out, right? Don't want to get your hopes up. Samantha concedes even she must admit the young woman with Ivanov is pretty hot and tries to bait Steven into admitting he thinks Brazilian woman are generally hot. To support this outlandish theory, Hoyt is down on the dance floor drooling over all the attractive Brazilian ladies when the Blooms inform him Ivanov is on his way down there after depositing a hand-held computer into a wall safe in his office.
Samantha makes her way down to the dance floor dressed as a waitress. She starts picking up empty drink glasses. She notices a waiter pick up Ivanov's glass from his table and put it on his tray. She makes a switch with one of the glasses on her tray and walks past the table. Ivanov stops her because he doesn't recognize her. He asks for another bottle, so she takes his empty one and takes off toward his office. Shortly after she picks the lock and gets in, Hoyt radios to her that Ivanov is on the move and she needs to get out of there. She scans a fingerprint off Ivanov's glass and uses it to get past the scanner on his wall safe. She pulls out the tablet PC and plugs in a USB drive to download its files. Ivanov and two of his goons burst through the door and draw their guns, only to find...
...Steven, immaculately dressed in a white suit, is pouring himself a drink at Ivanov's personal bar in his living suite. Steven plays it all super-cool, like he's not worried at all that he has two guns pointed at him. He pulls out his gun, lays it down on the bar and offers Ivanov a drink before insisting they speak business. Steven claims the gun he laid on the bar belonged to Yuri Petrovich, who trained Steven to be an assassin. When it appears Ivanov isn't budging, Steven pulls out a wallet with Victor Guzman's ID card in it, claiming he got it off his dead body. He implies he murdered Victor to assure there would be a vacancy for the contract kill on Loya. Ivanov appears intrigued, but feels the need to play hard-to-get. He tells Steven to be at a café the morning. If Ivanov is interested, someone will approach him with further instruction. Otherwise, Steven will be killed if he shows his face again. Assassins lead hard lives.
Commercials.
Back at the staging area for this mission, Steven thanks Hoyt for making sure the Petrovich story would check out. Hoyt's so sprung off the thank you he asks Steven to repeat it so he can record it on his phone as an audio memo. You know, I've come to realize at this point that this kind of idolatry is sad, not funny. I mean, the guy can't even put together a coffee machine. Get a better hero. A check of the files downloaded off Ivanov's tablet reveals the site of the inauguration in Lima. They now know the when and the where. Our operatives believe they can control the how.
At the café the morning, Steven sits alone at a table while talking to Samantha over his earpiece. A waiter comes up to Steven with a cup of tea even though he hasn't ordered. Along with the tea is a note instructing Steven to murder a man named Martine Redondo within 8 hours. A background check first shows that he's just a shoe shop owner, but a deeper search reveals he has changed his name from Miguel Silva and used to be Ivanov's accountant. Don't ever let your kids find out the real-world application of math gets you killed.
Hours later, Hoyt speaks to Steven and Samantha on his earpiece as he stands outside Redondo's shop. Martine's closing up and leaving. Hoyt follows him on foot until he verifies he's on a collision course with Sam, who is pretending to be distracted by a map. They run into each other and Sam pretends to be a lost tourist. Redondo offers to guide her to her destination. When they get there, Sam offers to thank him by buying him a drink. He accepts, but this thank you takes way too long. Redondo doesn't leave the bar until there are only 3 minutes left before the deadline for his death. Steven walks toward him with his gun concealed under a newspaper. As they pass each other, Steven pumps a silenced bullet into Redondo's side and keeps walking. He's taken away in an ambulance and we see that Ivanov was sitting nearby the whole time, watching the scene. Steven stands around, waiting when a little girl comes up to him and offers him a cell phone. Ivanov's on the other end and offers Steven the Loya assassination gig. Meanwhile, in the ambulance, Redondo sits up from his gurney and pulls off his face to reveal Leo underneath. Samantha: "Leo, you cut it kind of close there!" Leo: "I had to pee." That's it; I'm outta here.
Commercials.
Back at the hotel staging area, Samantha declares she'll be going to the presidential palace to attend a pre-inauguration party. The good news is Leo has made some headway. He hooked up with a girl who was part of Loya's administrative staff and was able to get her to email him Loya's inauguration speech. In it, Loya reveals his plan to divert control of a major oil pipeline to another company. It's likely the company losing the pipeline, Despina Oil, is responsible for the contract on Loya's life.
At the party, Sam runs into Matt, but is interrupted by a call from Lizzy. She absolutely hates Sam's classmate and wants to fire her, but never mind that because Sam overhears security talking about Loya's current location in the chapel. Sam ditches both Matt and her phone call with Lizzy to sneak over there to spy on Loya. She watches him interact with his young daughter who gives him a bracelet charm for good luck, which surely reminds Sam more of her professor. But just then the head of security appears behind Sam and causes a big scene about her being there. Loya says it's OK, but sternly asks her to leave despite her claims that he's in danger. Security escorts Sam out, revokes her credentials and warns her against being in the crowd at the inauguration ceremony, but before they get rid of her, Sam is able to snap a photograph of the security head with her earring camera. Back at the hotel, Sam, Hoyt and Steven examine the photo and begin to cross check it with Despina Oil's records.
At a morgue, two goons look for Redondo's body to dispose of it. They discover Redondo's body isn't actually there and inform their boss that Steven is not who he says he is.
Commercials.
A car speeds through the night. Ivanov frantically claims to a shadowy figure sitting behind him in the car that he may have messed up with Victor Guzman, but that he's confident in Steven. Shadowy figure don't play that. He reaches over Ivanov's head and chokes him out with a wire.
At the hotel, Hoyt has turned up a group photo from Despina which includes Loya's current head of security, Cortez, who back then was Despina's head of security. Sam takes off to warn Loya as Steven begins to climb the tower where he will set up as the assassin. Leo has ground-level duty and is serving as the operation's eyes. Hoyt lets Steven know that Cortez is their man, but Steven receives a phone call from a mystery man with a distorted voice who is obviously not Ivanov. As he talks to the man, Steven spots Cortez through his scope, which mean Cortez couldn't possibly be their guy. Steven is impatient with Hoyt and flips when he finds out Sam has left Hoyt's van to go after Loya because she "didn't want to let a good man get killed again."
Sam is trying to get past security and bumps into Matt. Samantha's simply not thinking straight and reveals everything to Matt about the impending assassination because it makes total sense to voice your concerns over a major CIA concern to a complete stranger. Matt claims he can lead Sam to Loya just as Hoyt spots Matt in a Despina group photo. Oops.
Loya approaches the podium as Steven gets a phone call from Matt. He gives Steven instructions of when in the speech to shoot Loya otherwise he will kill Samantha.
Commercials.
Samantha pulls the old "get the villain to reveal his scheme before he kills you" thing. Matt explains to her the story of being part of the family at Despina Oil and that they were going to lose millions of dollars. His evil scheme is to kill Samantha and blame the whole plot on her since she made a big enough scene at the pre-inauguration party to be implicated and have motivation corroborated by Cortez. Cortez, however, has no idea about the assassination plot. Meanwhile, Hoyt is able to triangulate Matt and Samantha's position. Leo heads that way on foot while Steven aims to get a shot on Matt. Steven's finally able to fire a shot into Matt's shoulder just as Leo bursts into the room and tackles Matt. Samantha had been working on using her bracelet from Professor Schilling to tear through her hand ties and she succeeds just in time to jump out of her hostage chair, pick up Matt's gun and point it in his face.
Loya leaves the inauguration to much fanfare. As he's about to get into his limo, he spots Sam in the crowd and stops. He tells her he can sense that he's probably alive because of her, for some reason. He gifts her the bracelet charm of a dove his daughter gave him the night before and thanks her.
Debriefing. Shaw reveals Despina Oil did, in fact, have a deal with the old regime in Peru and had plenty of motivation for the assassination. Matt Hunt was arrested for murder along with three family members who were charged for conspiracy. Shaw finishes up the debriefing with the good news that Peru's economy has stabilized. Sam feels the need to remind him they saved a man's life, but Shaw's like, "Whatever floats your boat." He's late for a massage and irritated Leo felt this debriefing was optional.
That's because Leo is talking up Lizzy at Bloom Catering. They're laughing about Lizzy's experience catering for Samantha's friend. Samantha walks in with an exasperated look on her face when she sees the two flirting. Leo claims he thought their meeting with Shaw would be there. Sam asks how the catering job with Jennifer went. Leo vouches for Lizzy's competence. The scene ends with Leo and Lizzy giving each other a fist bump while Samantha looks on in horror.
At home in the Undercovers Kitchen, Steven pours wine for both him and Samantha. He'll speak with Leo, he says. She'll speak with Lizzy, she says. We can't ever have interesting things, can we? Steven casually brings up the topic of how Schilling died. Samantha pulls the "no past discussion" card, but Steven pushes for an answer. Sam gives in, but prefaces her story with "OK, but this is big." It's the main reason she left the agency. Schilling was actually the man who recruited her to join the CIA. Five years ago, they were on a mission together and had a miscommunication which separated them. By the time she reached Schilling, he had been blown up by a car bomb. She blamed herself, which... really doesn't make much sense, but whatever. Steven insists it wasn't Samantha's fault and, to make her feel better, he asks her to tell him a little bit about Schilling. This brings a smile to Sam's face as she remembers the brilliant man. She jokingly reveals Schilling thought she could do better than Steven and he fake laughs, but Samantha admits Schilling was wrong about that. They kiss.
And that's how this show ends, as far as we're concerned. Nary an intriguing twist nor memorable character. But if there's one thing we all gained from this experience, it was the hatred of the word "sexpionage."
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Pablo G. is some guy who lives in San Antonio, Texas. He co-hosts TWoP's original "Trailers Without Pity" with his brother Omar G. Check him out at Space Monkeys!, The Cowboys Blog, and follow him @PendejoJoe on Twitter.