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We join our heroes mid-morning-hump, and if that's not enough to get you ready for the mission, running into Carlton Shaw in your kitchen after the deed certainly is. He breaks into the Blooms' house to prove the point that they're no longer a normal married couple and need to get their shit together security-wise before he hands them their mission. And before I tell you what that mission is, be advised that the persistent married couple's quarrel for this episode is Steven's inability to distance himself from his precious gadgets and technology. So, it only makes sense this particular mission deals with recovering a device which is purported to break into the CIA's database of active field agents, thus exposing all their identities to the villains of the world. Laying it on a little thick, J.J., with this device thing. Laying it on thickly.
The mission takes The Undercovers to Berlin, where they meet a semi-reliable operative by the name of Hans Bauer with more info about the device's whereabouts. When Steven meets with him, Hans gets sniped by the syndicate he had infiltrated, which you have to imagine is par for the course for operatives anyway. The only lead the Blooms have to go on is surveillance footage Hoyt found of a black Mercedes speeding away from the scene with a distinct logo for a private nightclub on the body. This leads to a strip club where Steven meets up with Leo Nash and recognizes a guy who turns out to be Ernesto Santos, a negotiator for a Spanish terrorist group. Santos is sitting with a German man with silver hair who at the beginning of this episode went into a hospital late at night and murdered some staff so he could kidnap a young man. The Undercovers don't know this, however, but they figure Silver Hair Guy is buying the device from Ernesto, so they follow the men after they leave the club. They end up at an impenetrably secure 20-story building, where the only way in is to scale to the top. Sam and Steven do so while Leo takes down a guard and taps into the surveillance system so Hoyt can advise the infiltration. What's going on inside is the young man who was kidnapped from the hospital, Mathias, is being forced to try and crack some code on the device for the German men while they wait for Ernesto's associates to arrive to broker a deal. When the associates arrive, Mathias is escorted out of the room, giving the Blooms enough time to snag the device. But shit's not going to be that easy. Silver Hair Guy pulls his gun on Ernesto and his men when they ask Mathias to demonstrate that the code can be cracked, kills them all and escapes with Mathias before the Blooms can do anything.
All of this pisses off Carlton Shaw, because it turns out Silver Hair Guy is a renowned terrorist by the name of Carl Becker and the device the Blooms recovered was just a run-of-the-mill laptop. He kicks them off the case, but Steven can't leave well enough alone. He broods over the mission clues until his studying of surveillance video reveals that Mathias was wearing a hospital bracelet. Steven and Sam are able to run a background check on Mathias, which reveals he's a mathematical genius, meaning he is the device. Steven convinces Shaw to let them go back to Germany to complete the mission, so the whole crew heads to Dresden, where Becker is hanging in his stronghold, forcing Mathias to work on cracking the code for jellybeans, which really isn't so harsh at all when you think about it. Who wouldn't work for terrorists for jellybeans? ...I mean, I love America. Sam, Steven, Leo and Hoyt are able to get past security by posing as maintenance workers for the electric company after they blow the power grid. Sam gets inside the mansion, but shortly thereafter their cover is blown and she gets captured by Becker. Steven goes in after her and is able to take down Becker and rescue Mathias and Sam -- all probably before dinnertime.
What did The Undercovers learn this time? Their relationship and love is not a liability out in the field. Steven's instinct to protect his wife proved necessary for her rescue in this case, and Sam is at ease knowing her husband is by her side. These two need their own show about relationships. Maybe throw in some spying, too. That would be a hit!
In Lizzy's Unseen World of Picking Up the Catering Business Slack, she manages a funeral job for a cute guy she spies (relatively) when he's meeting with the Blooms to contract the job. We're also introduced to her main rival, Lance, the token gay chef who takes the exact same notice of the cute guy and claws at Lizzy for the rights to the job. The Blooms find out after their mission that Lizzy made out with Cute Guy and they were caught by his mother, who now refuses to pay for the catering job. That's cool, though, because Lizzy's going to sort it all out now that she's going to be seeing this guy regularly. Not to say I like the girl or anything, but anybody else think there's a much more trainwrecky and interesting show if we just follow Lizzy instead?
Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, then see who on the show is the most annoying TV character!
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Pablo G. is some guy who lives in San Antonio, Texas. He co-hosts TWoP's original "Trailers Without Pity" with his brother Omar G. Check him out at Space Monkeys!, The Cowboys Blog, and follow him @PendejoJoe on Twitter.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!It's nighttime and we can hear Brahms' "Hungarian Dance" over an establishing shot of a large building. We work our way into the building to find a young, attractive nurse wearing a classic white uniform, complete with the tri-corner hat watching Porky Pig cartoons in German at the help desk. Oh, God... this show got a hold of my fantasies! Two men in suits approach her desk, and it's fairly obvious she's the only person on duty. They ask in German to see a patient, and when the nurse begins asking questions, one of the two men who is sporting silver hair pulls up a silenced handgun and blasts her in the head. The two men walk off as we pedestal down to the small television set still playing Looney Tunes, but now splattered with the nurse's blood -- you know, just to remind us a cold-blooded murder has just happened.
As the two murderers make their way down a long hallway, a janitor appears, doing the standard, "You're not supposed to be here -- AGH!" as he's shot mid-sentence. The murderers enter a hospital room where there's a loud, jittery guy screaming about how he knew they would come for him, but they just pistol-whip him and head to the bed where there's a young man staring wide-eyed into the foreground of the shot. A gloved hand reaches down into the frame and grabs the young man by the shoulder. "Mathias Faber, you're coming with me." As Mathias is dragged away, he grasps at a small package full of jellybeans on his nightstand and manages to grab it, spilling about half the pack. He's escorted out of the hospital by the two suits and stuffed into a car. Silver Hair Guy tells Mathias everything will be fine if he just does what they ask. Mathias asks when he can go home, and Silver Hair Guy shoves him back into his seat and shuts the car door. Not looking good, Mathias.
We cut to the outside of the Undercovers Home in the daytime. Inside, the Blooms are... oh God, they're doing the horizontal Monster Mash! This isn't "end-of-episode make out and turn out the lights" sex either. This is Steven on top of Sam, finishing up some full-on thrusting, causing the sudden urge to listen to some LL Cool J. And then the two roll off of each other and... they're perfectly unruffled and pristine. No bed hair (excluding Steven), no sweat and no ickyness whatsoever. They're their normal, unbelievably attractive selves wrapped in perfect white sheets. They bask in the wonderful way to start a morning until Steven reminds Sam they have a meeting in a couple hours. Sam knows they can't miss out on another catering job, but she wishes aloud that they could spend the day avoiding computers and gadgets, just as Steven grabs a remote and turns on their bedroom TV. "You have a problem," she says. "Let me guess: you think I'm addicted to technology," Steven feeds this episode's inane lover's quarrel. He's even holding his cell phone as he says it. They roll over together and Steven insists they can't miss their meeting. Time for breakfast.
Walking into the kitchen, Steven's craving French toast. Sam suspects there's some leftovers in the fridge. Carlton Shaw calls out to them from the dining room off camera that he brought in their newspaper and completed the Sudoku, if they didn't mind. Ack! Was he there when they were getting it on?! Shaw advises the Blooms to step up their home security, since they're no longer the typical married couple and it took him all of three minutes to break in with a ballpoint pen. Makes sense. Doesn't make sense that these veteran field agents wouldn't have already thought of this on their own. Shaw begins briefing the two on Hans Bauer, a semi-reliable informant in Berlin who has information about a code-breaking device which could compromise the CIA's database of agents. Sadly, this guy is probably not Jack Bauer's German cousin, but we'll hold out hope until we get there. The Undercovers are to leave for Berlin tomorrow morning, arrange to meet with Bauer and locate the device. Before Shaw leaves, Sam asks him not to break into their house for briefings in the future, which prompts some cattiness from Major Dad. He thinks it's too much to ask that he assume they'll have a future together and then criticizes Sam's French toast. That's as harsh as this show is going to get, isn't it? Steven does his husbandly duty and defends his wife's French toast as Shaw walks out. The thought of husbandly chivalry prompts Sam to wonder if it'll be weird for them to be out in the field together married. Wasn't that questions already answered when they, you know, went on a field mission together? Steven figures it's a factor they'll be able to ignore when they're in the heat of a mission together. If only they could. Please, if only they could.
Cut to Bloom Catering's logo on the window of the meeting room where the Blooms are handing over a contract to a client to cater a family funeral. The guy seems awfully upbeat for dealing with funeral arrangements, going as far as to say Samantha's food has brought back his appetite. Too soon! With the contract signed, the guy leaves and Lizzy slithers into the office behind him to start mining for info on this supposedly cute guy. "Please tell me that gorgeous guy who just left is not hiring us to cater his wedding." She rejoices when she finds out it's for a funeral instead. A real winner, this one. Lizzy then follows Sam and Steven out of the office to whine about how tough online dating is. You know what this girl needs? A man. That'll totally solve all her deep-rooted problems. The conversation leads past a dorky guy, who pipes up to make Lizzy's exact same inquiry from earlier. "Please tell me that gorgeous guy who just left is not hiring us to cater his wedding." Get it? He's gay! Sam uses the San Francisco excuse again and puts Lizzy in charge of this funeral job, but gay guy is like, "Uh-uh... No." He totally has seniority over Lizzy, but nothing beats good ol' nepotism. Lizzy: 1; Gay Guy: 0, but this isn't over.
Postcard transition to Berlin at night. Steven walks through a modern plaza with loud rock music being played by some crazy teenagers. Sam's staked out across the way with a camera where she can see Bauer, the informant, sitting by himself at a table in a food court area. Steven takes a seat at Bauer's table in that cliché informant meeting way where they start talking without looking in each other's direction. They make small talk about the music in the plaza and then Hans says he's infiltrated a German crime syndicate that's trying to sell this code-breaking device within the 48 hours. Two shady men are up in the rafters overlooking this meeting and monitoring the audio. One of the men has a sniper rifle trained on Bauer. Sam's camera happens to wander up to the rafters and she spots the sniper. She radios to Steven who immediately jumps up to get Hans out of there, but to no avail. Bauer gets shot in the back. Sigh... I knew he wasn't related to Jack. Sam yells at Steven to get out of there. And isn't that just like a wife to do -- to nag you about getting out of a hot sniper situation? Women: can't spy with them, can't spy without them. Steven hesitates for a moment behind Hans, who is now nothing but a human shield, before he's able to take off running. He escapes before the men can get a shot on him.
Lord of the ring title card/commercials.
The Undercovers are walking into their hotel room arguing about the way the sniping thing went down. Steven chalks this up to Sam thinking he wasn't paying attention, but really he was just trying to see if there was any more intel on Bauer's body before he took off. Sam can't get over how close Steven was to getting sniped himself. In the middle of all of this, our favorite lapdog Bill Hoyt saunters into the room, wearing gold silk pajamas. Steven's reaction is pretty priceless. He jumps from the argument with Sam to Hoyt: "Are you kidding me with that?" Hoyt points out they are 96% silk. "And 4% Lady Gaga," Steven quips. Ahhh... you got greedy, Steven. That doesn't even make sense. Gaga would never wear silk pajamas. Maybe pajamas made of paper clips or something, but not silk. Hoyt asks if he should just come back in an hour when the Blooms are done fighting. Unintentional burn. Cut to the three crowded around Hoyt's laptop. Surveillance of the area after the shooting shows a black Mercedes speeding away. There's no view of a license plate, but there's a distinct emblem on the car for a private club called "Der Verein."
Wipe transition to The Undercovers sitting in a car with Hoyt parked in an alley outside of the night club. Steven's going to check it out while Sam and Hoyt try to find the car from the plaza in the parking garage. Steven walks off and Bill just has to comment on how the guy really knows how to wear a suit. No argument here. He's an Adonis. Inside the club, it becomes obvious very quickly this is a gentleman's club. Steven walks past barely dressed women until he reaches the bar. Who should he run into there, but good ol' Leo Nash. Thank goodness. This mission was already starting to be too vanilla. Steven's surprised because he thought Hoyt was the only operative they'd be meeting on this mission. Steven and Leo banter a bit over whether Leo is taking this situation seriously when he randomly produces a cell phone picture of some hot girl he just met. Leo puts his understanding of the situation into terms I'm sure the writers of this show use as their storyboarding outline: "The bad guys get the bad thing and the bad stuff will happen." Indeed. As this utterly unnecessary conversation comes to a close, Steven happens to spot a guy across the room he thinks he recognizes. He tells Leo to follow his lead, like in Budapest. Gotta admit it's cool to have protocols based on past missions in specific locales. [I hope they pull a Tangiers! - Zach]
Steven, with Leo following close behind, approaches the man who is sitting with the Silver Hair Guy from earlier, and boisterously greets the guy with familiarity in Spanish. Steven has brought a bottle of champagne to their table and two flutes. As he tries to jog the Spanish man's memory about their past meeting, he pours champagne into the glasses and switches them so Leo can lift a fingerprint off Spanish guy's glass and send it to Hoyt to analyze. The man is Ernesto Santos, a negotiator for a Spanish terrorist group. Sam guesses this means he's the buyer and Silver Hair Guy is the seller of the device. Steven's able to pull a switcheroo on glasses again to try and grab the print of Silver Hair Guy, but a database scan turns up nothing. This means they'll just have to follow the men when they leave the club to try and see where it leads.
Luckily, it leads right to where the deal for the device is going to go down. Like, Santos and Silver Hair Guy don't head home after the club? Real workaholics, these guys. Inside, a henchman enters a room where they're holding Mathias captive. He sets a giant metal briefcase in front of him and opens it up to reveal a laptop. Henchman instructs Mathias to show he can decode the software. Mathias just sits there and reminds the henchman of something he had promised him. The henchman is irritated as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a sack of jellybeans for Mathias. Jellybeans? Really? If this show wanted to be realistic, they would've made this hacker/programmer's fix a caffeinated drink. I understand this guy isn't altogether sane or healthy or whatever, but I think we can all agree to take exception to our national security being bought with jellybeans. Outside, our four heroes are trying to figure out how to infiltrate the building. All Sam can think of is to scale the 20-story building and try to affect ingress through the roof. Steven's completely reluctant to do this, but Leo and Hoyt agree with Sam that it's the best approach. Hoyt dutifully apologizes for taking Sam's side, of course. Leo says he could climb 40 stories, and that's probably what tips Steven over the edge to go along with the plan. He worriedly stares up at the building.
Commercials.
Sam and Steven are halfway up the building already. Steven's lagging noticeably behind, but in fairness, he's lugging considerably more bulk. Meanwhile, Leo approaches a guard, acting drunk and showing off that cell phone picture of that girl. He gets close to the guard, headbutts him and takes him down. Sam easily gets onto the roof of the building while Steven's footing starts to slip, but we all know these two are invincible, so naturally nothing bad happens. Steven joins Sam on the roof, out of breath. "OK, what the hell was that? Who are you -- Catwoman?" Steven's not poking fun; he's genuinely impressed. It's nothing compared to the time she scaled K2, according to Sam. There's a guard watching the roof entrance, so Steven pulls out a tranquilizer gun with an invisible laser sight. He slips on some sunglasses which reveal the red dot and fires the trank at the guard, scoring a direct hit. The guard radios for help with his last bit of consciousness, but Leo's already snagged the walkie-talkie off the guard he took down and intercepts the distress call. Sam sets up to tap into the surveillance system so Hoyt can tell them what's up inside. When she gets it, she tells him, "You're hot." Hoyt: "Wow... it's just not often I hear those words from a woman. I kind of want to enjoy it for a second." And he does. Oh, Hoyt.
He's able to see three people in a room on the 10th floor. It's Mathias with Silver Hair Guy and one of his henchmen. Hoyt relays this info to the Blooms just as Ernesto's associate drives up. Hoyt assigns this guy the codename of "The Plantain." Plantain enters the building. Mathias is busy working cracking that code, but a henchman comes in and lures him away with a sack of jellybeans. Sam and Steven make their way to the room where Mathias had been working and snag the device while the deal goes down in another room. Plantain asks Silver Hair Guy if the device works. Silver Hair Guy asks if they want to see proof, but instead pulls out a gun and shoots Plantain and Ernesto. Hoyt loses the security feed when the building's alarm goes off, but The Undercovers figure the Germans are still on the same floor and try to pursue. They run into each other in a hallway and Silver Hair Guy pulls out a machine gun and fires at the Blooms. They dodge the fire, but Silver Hair Guy escapes with Mathias in a helicopter.
Commercials.
The Blooms are back in their Catering Kitchen, wondering why they haven't heard from Shaw about their job well done. Sam heads off to a planning meeting Lizzy is leading about the funeral catering job. It turns out Gay Guy's name is Lance and he's opposed to Lizzy's proposal of bruschetta as one of the appetizers being offered. Sam steps up for Lizzy's other choices of foods and thinks she's really done a great job planning everything, but agrees with Lance that bruschetta is bad in this case. Lizzy: 1; Lance: 1.
Shaw holds a meeting with The Undercovers in a non-descript hotel room and they wonder why he's brought them there to talk about what was surely a successful mission. Shaw's simmering in his own self-loathing and probably loathing of Steven and Samantha as well. If he were one of the Blooms' foods, he'd probably be a loath of bread right now. Turns out the laptop they recovered was not the code breaker. It was just some generic laptop with cipher software. The real device is still out there somewhere and someone could be using it right now. Shaw wonders aloud if he should just take out an ad in the International Herald, inviting terrorists to come kill him. Drama queen. And, as he is often wont to do, Shaw again wonders aloud if bringing two agents out of retirement was, to put it in terms the Blooms can understand, a "recipe for failure." Oh, Shaw, you're better than that. To make matters worse, Silver Hair Guy is Karl Becker, a very dangerous terrorist. Aren't they all? All of this gives Shaw the opportunity to tell the Blooms, for what we can be sure won't be the last time, they're off this case, effective immediately. Shaw: "That's what you came here for. To hear me say that." That's not all we came here for, Shaw. We just like seeing your face sometimes.
Mathias is stressed trying to crack this code. He's now actively trying to crack into the CIA's database, whereas before he was just working on a test to verify he could do it. Mathias complains to his captors that he's tired and has a headache. They give him 24 hours to complete the crack. To show him they mean business, they take away his jellybeans. This is what terrorism is all about.
Samantha is home with Steven chopping a carrot like she's Lorena Bobbit (sorry). They're both irritable and frustrated about that whole screwing up their mission and endangering the lives of all CIA members thing. Sam's let Shaw's criticism get to her and again wonders if they can't be successful in the field. Steven's not hearing it and instead is poring over the surveillance footage of the deal for the device. They realize they can't really account for Mathias. They have no idea who he is, so they enhance the image on him and notice he's wearing a hospital bracelet with his name on it. They run a check on him and find his hospital records, which reveal he's a math genius. He is the device. Even M. Night Shyamalan just groaned.
The Blooms meet with Shaw to tell him of this development, but he's not completely sold. He just wants to pass the info up the chain of command and see where they want to go with this. Steven pulls out his Undercover Brother swagger and demands they go back to Germany to complete this mission. If Shaw tries to stop them, Steven will go up the chain of command himself. Shaw sincerely hopes that their catering business is doing well if they're wrong. Steven says it's not. "Shows how much you know." Oh, double-edged burn! You thought we were successful, but we're not!
Commercials.
Dresden postcard. We're outside a large mansion behind a heavy stone gate. All our favorite operatives are packed together into a utility truck. The plan? Get in, grab the kid, get out. Great plan. Hoyt apologizes to Steven sincerely for not realizing the laptop wasn't the device. Really? Leo implies it was Hoyt's fault. If it'll get him to shut up, go with it Leo. Leo steps out of the van and knocks out the power grid containing the mansion. Steven intercepts a phone call to the electric company and says in German a van is in the area and on its way. If there's one saving grace about this show, it's that the leads can knock out all these languages. They drive their truck up to the gate and a guard questions them. Samantha's cool with her German as well, but the guard is skeptical and calls Becker down to the gate. Becker questions Samantha, who responds calmly, but then he asks why Hoyt doesn't speak. Tense moment passes and Hoyt responds in German that it's because Samantha's the boss and women can be bossy. Har har. Becker still orders his guards to check out the truck. They find nothing but cables and maintenancy things because Leo and Steven are hiding in a secret compartment lying face-to-face. Leo: "You have great skin." He really does. When the guards clear the truck to enter, the plan becomes for Leo and Steven to sit back and listen to cell conversations in the area so they can triangulate Mathias' position while Hoyt and Samantha try to extract Mathias. This rubs Leo the wrong way, because he's "not used to being on the sidelines." He was always the star quarterback and that wasn't just because he slept with all the cheerleaders and the occasional mascot. His words.
Inside, Mathias has finished cracking the CIA's code. He asks for his payment of jellybeans. Henchman hands over the candy and goes off to tell Becker.
Sam heads upstairs in the house as a guard notices outside that the power was cut. He radios that they're not really maintenance workers, and Steven instinctively goes to call Samantha. Leo tries to talk him out of it because she can handle herself. After a few minutes, Steven decides he's going to go in after Samantha, because she's not just his partner, she's his wife. Just then, a guy sneaks up on Sam as she's about to enter the room where Mathias was, but she senses it and gets the drop on him. She takes him down, but then another guy sticks a gun to her head from out of frame. "Come with me." Pff... Steven's on his way, remember?
Commercials.
They take Sam into the same room where Mathias is being held. Sam's keeping her mouth shut and not giving up any info. Steven is beating his way through henchmen to get to Sam. He stops to checks the ID of one of the henchmen he knocks out and poses as the guard to request entry into the room where Sam's being held. They open the door for him, and Steven knocks over the guard and immediately shoots Becker in the shoulder. Mathias freaks and grabs Becker's gun. He has no idea who the good guys are. All he knows is these guys have been giving him jellybeans, and honestly, you couldn't blame Mathias if he shot Steven. The guy's never given him jellybeans. Despite this, Steven manages to talk Mathias down and disarm him. A nice touch here is that as Steven slowly steps over to Mathias to take his gun, he places his hand on Samantha's shoulder, maybe to reassure her... maybe to reassure himself that his wife is OK. With Mathias calm, Steven grabs Becker and everything's A-OK.
Outside, Leo and Hoyt help lead Becker and his henchmen to the truck while Sam berates Steven for how he infiltrated. Sam's going on about Steven doing everything they say not to do in the spy handbook. Steven's going on about doing what it took to save his partner. Mathias comes up to them to interrupt thankfully and ask if they have any jellybeans. Pff... Not everybody has jellybeans for you, kid. But Hoyt just happens to have some. Well great. Why don't you just spoil Mathias for life, Bill? And why don't you just happen to have everything possible to make all the happiest endings possible? This ending is so happy it's come back around again and is not happy.
Debriefing at Catering Kitchen. Everything is coming up Milhouse. Becker's locked away, Mathias is being treated in a hospital and will likely remain in the USA to work for the CIA. Shaw exits as Lizzy enters. Sam asks if the funeral went well, and Lizzy freezes before asking if the client had called Sam. That's never a good sign. Lizzy made out with the cute client guy and got caught by his mother, who now refuses to pay for the catering job. It's all OK, though, because Lizzy is meeting the guy again tonight and she'll get the money. Lance pops into the doorway just to say his, "I told you so," and to concede Lizzy's accusation that he's just jealous he wasn't the one who kissed the guy. "100% true." Sassy. I'm going to give this point to Lance. Final score -- Lizzy: 1; Lance: 2.
In the End-Of-Episode Bed, Samantha sits watching TV while Steven gets ready for bed. It's time to be cheeky. He tells Sam if she wants to change the channel she needs to put down the remote and get up like in the old days before technology. Sam laughs it off and admits technology is good. On top of that, Sam says Steven was right about things being different in the field because they're married. They worry about each other and agree they can't just turn off their love. But Samantha feels safer knowing Steven is out there with her. Steven reminds her that she asked before if they were over. She tells him not to say, "We're just getting started." Steven: "We're just getting started." That's totally grounds for divorce, right? Please, please get divorced... or something. Something.
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Pablo G. is some guy who lives in San Antonio, Texas. He co-hosts TWoP's original "Trailers Without Pity" with his brother Omar G. Check him out at Space Monkeys!, The Cowboys Blog, and follow him @PendejoJoe on Twitter.