Thanks to Judd Apatow and the staff of Undeclared for letting me come visit. It was a lot of fun, and we'll have the interview posted shortly. I got the tape of this episode from them, so I apologize in advance if any of it is somehow different than what actually aired.
The episode starts in the Frosh Pit. I have no idea what's going on; it's a strange and confusing conversation about beans and rabbit hutches, and there's grossed-out laughter, and all of a sudden I'm back in grade one and Snowball the Albino Guinea Pig just peed all over my friend. Lizzie appears in a bra and pajama pants, and coquettishly whines that she's bored and wants to borrow a movie. The guys' smiles disappear, and are replaced with something close to shock, bewilderment, curiosity, amusement, and titillation. Ron and Shaggy giggle. Lizzie bends over right in front of Steven, who stares at her ass like it's prime rib. She pops up with what looks like a Blockbuster video case. Right on cue, Rachel bounces across the hall in boxers and a leopard-print bra. I have to say, although seeing them makes me horribly depressed about the state of my own abs, it's refreshing to note that neither girl suffers from that most nefarious of disaeases, TRPS (Tara Reid Pelvis Syndrome). "Don't take Dead Man On Campus -- I just watched it last week," Rachel's breasts pout. Lizzie frowns and bends at the waist again to shake her hams at Steven. He seriously looks hungry and terrified, lest the showpiece be an errant nipple that hardens him from the waist down. Ron's ear-splitting grin betrays how much he's enjoying the show, and he even shoots an appraising glance at Rachel's waist. He's so Beavis right now -- "Heh, there's a chick. And she's naked." Lizzie flips up with another flick, and both girls delightedly shuffle out of the room to watch movies in their bras, which -- if it's anything like my life -- will precede a heated conversation about birth control, a long lingerie pillow-fight, and a solid hour of Strip Jumping.
The guys are struck dumb by their brush with female nudity, but it soon passes. "That was awesome," breathes Shaggy. "That was pretty cool," guffaws Ron, delighted. "Awesome that was not," scolds Heath. It seems that which he most feared has come to pass -- they've accidentally become more like brothers than boyfriend material to Rachel and Lizzie. I didn't realize that girls ran around in their bras in front of their brothers. Wow, girls suck. Shaggy doesn't see Heath's point. "Well, I understand that where you're from, being someone's brother might not necessarily eliminate sexual possibilities, but for Ron and myself and Steven, it spells trouble," Heath smirks. Steven denies this, but Heath thinks it's pretty pathetic that Steven hasn't bitten off another piece of Lizzie now that she's single. Steven unconvincingly claims that he and Lizzie just want freedom to explore their options. "Lizzie, [and] your right hand. Those are your options," sasses Heath. Ron and Shaggy enjoy that. Steven doesn't, what with it being the truth and all. But Heath suddenly turns and challenges Ron's merriment, since we've no proof that he'd even seen a bra before. "I've got it covered," Ron coughs, embarrassed. Shaggy brightens. "Does Ron have a secret?" he grins.
Surveillance Mischief in C Minor plays as Ron covertly guides his posse across campus. Exhaling dreamily, he points to the object of his affection -- a cute, blonde, perky tour guide played by Busy Philipps (who also plays Audrey on Dawson's Creek). Her name on this show is Kelly -- perhaps a nod to her Freaks & Geeks character Kim Kelly -- and she's clad in maroon knee socks, a khaki skirt, and a maroon UNEC hat and preppy shirt. Ron gazes at her adoringly while she conducts the tour. The guys want an introduction, but Ron confesses that he's never gotten any closer than this: "But I know what I need to -- she's cute, enthusiastic, has a good...sense of location, of landmarks...." He trails off, sounding pathetic but sweet. He's enthralled, and the other three guys swap smirks. Kelly leans down to a junior-high kid and flirts, "I bet you don't have to worry about picking a dorm, now, do you? Because, what, you're in grad school now?" Ron drools. The tour group laughs politely. Ron sighs that this is already the most fulfilling relationship he's ever had.
Suddenly, Lizzie bounds over to Kelly and gives her a huge hug, which leaves the guys agape. "Lookie there," Heath points. Kelly, apparently not a freshman herself, announces to the group that Lizzie was one of her freshman little sisters. Shaggy excitedly points out that Ron has a connection to Kelly now, but Ron's way too scared to meet her. "Talking would ruin it," he frets. "She's perfect. I don't want to change the image." So Heath, being insensitive, stands up and bellows, "Lizzie!" Ron immediately flees, and Kelly and Lizzie watch him with interest as he slips on his puddle of drool, lands on his panting tongue, and sleds on it across the quad, a saliva-fueled Slip-n-Slide of Lust. Or maybe he just runs away screaming. Either way, he's busted. "You guys know nothing about women!" he screams as he escapes. Lizzie waves cutely.
Steven strolls down the dorm hallway and hears rap music coming from what looks like a janitor's closet. He pokes his head around the door and spies the inscrutable, chameleonic co-ed Perry. He's a dork, a stud, a wheeler-dealer, and...more dork, all rolled into one vaguely Van Der Beekian package. Except Perry isn't hideous and has a normal head. Perry offers Steven a free soda, stolen while the vending-machine man took a bathroom break. He also explains that he's living in this hovel because when he registered, they had no rooms left on campus. "That sucks," decides Steven. "Sucks it does not!" Perry snorts. Whoa, that sentence structure has now made two appearances in as many minutes. Perry shares that his rent is discounted, in exchange for keeping mops in the corner and "some boxes of that stuff they put on vomit." The hovel is done up in posters and corkboards, with a halogen lamp poking out amid a cluster of cleaning supples. He brags that, what with the exposed pipes, he can keep the room three to four degrees hotter than all the others, giving female visitors an incentive to disrobe. Because apparently his varied charms aren't enough. Hey, Perry? These girls don't need incentives. They strip down for Dead Man On Campus. At least you have a pulse. The guys bond over Perry's copy of Total Recall, and it's all going so well for a first date until Jack the Janitor breaks the mood by stopping by for a mop. "That guy is so old-school," says Perry affectionately. Steven winces.
In the hallway, Heath laments that the girls are starting to see them as asexual beings, and suggests a rousing -- or arousing? -- game of Truth or Dare. That way, they dare each other to do things that make them look great, and the women swoon and feed them fruits and berries of the forest before sampling their buffet of bodily riches. "I'm talking copulation," he smarms. Shaggy stops dead and stares at Heath suspiciously. "You're going for Rachel!" he realizes, wounded. "I don't know," Heath shrugs innocently, though he realizes he's busted. It's kind of a dick move on his part, but I guess Heath just has so much love to give, he can't possibly control for whom his trouser radar tolls. Shaggy's eyes narrow, and he complains that it's not fair; he put in a lot of time with Rachel, and now Heath is going to swoop in "like some blond peacock." Seriously! Don't poach the booty, Heath. Although it's not like Rachel owes Shaggy anything, either. "I'm confused by these feelings, too, [Shaggy]," Heath says, the very picture of a sensitive, diapered Meg Ryan angel -- oh, wait, he's actually has been that picture once already. Defensively, Shaggy spits that Rachel likes him better, and Heath humors the idea condescendingly, but no one really believes it and it's really quite sad. Their conversation is interrupted by two guys leaving Rachel's room, as her giggly goodbyes waft down the hall. "Rachel's so sweet and funny," says the guy who plays Taint in "Hell Week." "Yeah, and she's got a huge rack," his blond friend says. "So huge," nods Taint, clearly a scholar of the jumbly sciences. Heath and Shaggy scowl at them. Blondie and Taint continue muttering that Rachel is so totally up for anything, and they squabble over who gets first dibs when they run that train. "Who the hell were they?" whispers Shaggy angrily. Heath shrugs. "You know what I think we should do," he notes with a sly grin.
This event, naturally, sways Shaggy to Heath's side, and together they unveil their plan to a dubious Ron. "It's ridiculous, Ron. We're like their sisters," Heath complains. "We're one step away from getting manicures with them." Aw. Pretty ladies, right here. Shaggy, like a total thirteen-year-old girl, insists Truth or Dare can make it all go away. It's the Calgon of party games. Ron crosses his arms, completely closed to the idea, especially when it's suggested that Lizzie could bring Kelly. "While I'm at it, why don't I take the dream image I have of Kelly, put it in the toilet, and poop all over it!" he rants. Shaggy begs for aid. Heath chips in that it'll benefit all of them. This triggers something in Ron. "You're going for Rachel, too!" he realizes, stunned that Shaggy is advocating the evil genius's evil plan for total Rachel domination. Shaggy bristles. "I'm gonna get her, man!" Shaggy insists, desperate but trying to appear confident. "That's what you don't get." Ron's all, "If by 'her' you mean 'nothing,' then sure."
The guys are distracted by Steven, who exits his room with Perry in tow, having done something quasi-illegal like burning each others' CDs, and glowing with the buzz typical of geeks who've just mildly bent their first rule, and aren't one bit sorry. Heath pleasantly invites them to play Truth or Dare. Perry isn't impressed. "You guys are looking to hook up some pigeons," he says. Ron and Steven crack up. "Why don't you just bet them to have sex with you, 'cause that's clever, too!" Perry continues. Wow. It's the weirdest thing. Perry's mouth moves, and his arms move, but the rest of him is eerily paralyzed. Shaggy and Heath want to smack him. Ron just chortles, because it's true, it's all true.
Ron stomps up to Heath and Shaggy, who are playing chess -- or rather, sitting with a chessboard between them. "I don't want your favors!" Ron shouts. Is he breaking up with them or something? Ron rants that the ladies will see right through the flimsy Truth or Dare scheme, but Shaggy and Heath excitedly point out that if they write a script, rehearse it, and try to make it seem spontaneous, the girls will totally buy into the Truth or Dare idea, at least until FOX cancels it or replaces it with That 'I Never' Show. Ron doesn't want to do it, but agrees because of Kelly. "I'm writing it," he insists. "You guys are both stupid idiots. Fools." Shaggy nods as though he totally agrees with that assessment. Oh, and Seth Rogen wrote this teleplay, so har-har.
Temperamentally, Ron bursts forth from his room with a copy of the script in his hand, and asks if they should rehearse. He stops short when he spies Perry contentedly chowing down on a sandwich. Apparently, Perry's participating in the evening's festivities, because he and Steven are so tight and it feels funny inside, yet so right. "Pretty clever how you're using this to get Kelly over," Perry praises. "Excellent choice. Nice fingers." Damn. Perry's weird. But I like him better this way than when he showed up in "So You Have A Boyfriend" and went all Kazaam The Rapping Genie on us. Ron grabs Steven, appalled that Perry's there infringing on their game; Steven argues that Perry's a crack-up and loads of fun and extremely flexible to boot. Ron's astounded that Perry has lines to learn, given that Ron wrote the script and doesn't remember including Steven's Funny Valentine in the plan. "Oh, um, I made some changes," Steven notes. "I think you'll find them hilarious." Ron is pissed, and pulls Steven aside for a private confab. "What we're doing is ridiculous to begin with," he seethes. "We don't need weird, creepy dudes in the mix." Steven sadly points out that he's scared, too, because he likes Lizzie so much and yet she rejected him, and now he's faced with the reality that she might be asked to strip or make out with someone else during this Truth or Dare marathon. Ron stares at the floor. "This could ruin our lives," he admits. "Yup," Steven nods, pained. But neither is so pained that the show won't go on, because hey, flesh still might be pressed.
Perry helps himself to some punch, all smirk and smarm and irritating the crap out of Heath and Shaggy. "You're not to try any funny stuff with Rachel," warns Heath. "She's ours," Shaggy adds, with all the menace of a slice of bread. "Kinky," Perry derides them.
Rachel shows up in black pants and -- surprise! -- a tight shirt, though one not as revealing as the one she wasted on her mother's visit. "You look really stunning," Heath purrs. One-upped, Shaggy tenses. "Yeah, you look really, really stunning," he stammers. Rachel basks in the flattery. Heath offers her a cocktail. On so many levels. "I make a great Sex on the Beach," he smiles. Rachel, confused and amused, is pretty sure she can fix her own drink. Shaking her head, she hits the makeshift bar. "That was smooth," Heath chuckles to Shaggy. "I'm not afraid of you," Shaggy hisses, and it looks like Timm Sharp's trying very hard to suppress a grin. "I'm feeling good!" And he is. While Heath has chosen a plaid shirt, Shaggy's whipped out a big gun -- his very best macking shirt, a confusing blend of blue and brown and geometric abnormalities, designed perhaps to befuddle the lucky lady into compliance. It's the kind of pattern you usually see on cloth napkins that Linens-n-Things tries to sell on clearance. The look of fierce bravado on Shaggy's face is brilliant.
Lizzie brings Kelly to Ron, who grabs a potted lily and holds it so that he'll look sensitive and special and...floral. Lizzie introduces them, then ditches them with a thin excuse about needing to say something to Steven. "Kelly...that's Gaelic for 'church' or 'warrior'..." Ron stammers. Kelly smiles, charmed. I have Busy envy. She seems like so much fun, and quite frankly, if I looked like her, I'd probably never walk away from the mirror. I'm worried, though, that after another six months of Dawson's Creek, she'll get all emaciated like Katie Holmes and I won't be able to admire her anymore. From across the room, Heath mutters, "Let's get this tea boiling." He licks his thumb and touches his nose. So does Ron. So does Steven. And, back to Ron. The game is afoot.
Ron invites Kelly to sit on the couch, just as Steven loudly says to Lizzie, "We should sit down!" The whole thing is so stilted, as they all shuffle toward a circle of chairs and couches. Heath is at the head of the circle; to his left is Rachel, then Shaggy, then Perry, then Steven, then Lizzie, then Kelly and finally Ron, who is to Heath's right. Got it? Very scientific seating. There's a beat of silence before Heath leans over and whispers something into Ron's ear. "Ha HA, ha ha HA," Ron laughs. It's so perfect, because he's trying so hard to make it natural. Basically, from here on out, I'm laughing my ass off. My ass is actually in Cleveland right now. The trick is that everyone asks what the secret is, and Heath and Ron coyly refuse to tell. "No, I saw that, you just told a secret!" Shaggy scolds, a huge smile on this face. Steven says he saw it, too. The group falls silent. Cut to Perry, who is blankly staring off into space. The guys indiscreetly begin to panic. Perry jolts himself awake, rolls his eyes and mechanically says, "Yes, I saw that as well!" That's his best line delivery of the episode. "How dare you not tell me," Shaggy says intensely. "The truth is, you really should tell," Steven adds. "The truth of the matter is, Steven, that I dare not tell," Ron replies. The girls completely buy into it. The girls are so, so dumb. No wonder they go to UNEC. "I dare you to tell us," Shaggy says, barely able to contain his glee. Heath scolds him for throwing out a dare willy-nilly, as if this is some sort of game. I am loving Ron's script. Rachel brightens and suggests that they parlay this into a game. "Of Truth or Dare?" Shaggy bubbles quickly. "Yeah!" Lizzie exclaims. "And we'll start with [Heath] telling the secret." She looks pleased with herself for coming up with this, as if she's Fiesta Einstein. The guys protest loudly, including a hilarious shot of Perry waving his hands in faux protest. Then the noise abruptly dies down. Shaggy can't hold out any longer and giggles, "Okay!" and jiggles happily. I can't really describe it. He's so fucking funny.
Heath clears his throat and begins, claiming that when he borrowed Shaggy's pants last week, he found a video-store receipt for Dude, Where's My Car?. Everyone laughs. Shaggy blushes and hangs his head, then smiles winsomely. "It's a funny movie, and I like to laugh," he says softly, angelically, sounding a lot like Garth from Wayne's World. Then Heath flattens him: "Did you enjoy the fourteen pornos you rented at the same time?" Shaggy gapes at him. "Is there a new script?" Perry whispers to Steven. The girls all laugh, but Rachel inches away from him in comic disgust. Shaggy panics, then steels himself. "That's really funny, [Heath], really funny," he fumes. "So I guess it's my turn to dare now?" Heath's face falls. He gulps.
Cut to Heath singing "London Bridge" and spanking himself with a hand mirror, clad only in a diaper fashioned from the Union Jack. Much has been made of Steven's scrawny chicken legs, but Heath appears to be challenging him in that department. Though both are rather fetching in diapers. I'm missing mustard in this scene, though. Anyway, Heath's ass is positioned right between a grinning Shaggy and a snickering Rachel. Shaggy pats her knee.
Heath asks Ron for the truth about what he wants in a woman. "I like my ladies to be, uh, good leaders, and caring, someone who could guide me throughout my endeavors," he says suavely, and pointedly. Kelly is touched.
, Heath leans against the doorframe with a ruler. Shaggy appears. "Six inches," he boasts proudly. "Six and a half," triumphs Heath. "No mohel, no mohel!" Thanks to the forum regulars for pointing out that Heath is subtly claiming he's uncircumcised. "More than I never needed to know about him," quoth my roommate. Shaggy is pissed. "Give me five minutes!" he shouts, retreating with his ruler. Rachel and Lizzie shake their heads, laughing with what looks more like pity than affection.
Cut to Kelly: "And that is the most I've ever puked," she says triumphantly. Ron's totally impressed. "That's a ton of puke. I didn't even know the stomach held that much," he says. Rachel shudders. My mind here wandered back to some puke stories from my past, and unfortunately, it stumbled on rather a lot of them. The best one? Suffice to say my right eye was blood red for two weeks.
It's clearly getting late, and the game's in its low-energy stage. Rachel turns to Perry -- who picks Truth -- and asks him to confess the strangest place he's ever had sex. I can't believe it took them so long to get to this stuff; more likely, they'd have gotten sexual right away. Perry frowns and stares at the floor. "Uh, is 'nowhere' considered a strange place?" Perry asks. Ron, the dolt, doesn't get it. None of them do. So Perry has to come out and admit that he's never had sex. Everyone falters, startled. Which is so stupid, because Ron's a virgin, Steven barely lost his virginity, and no one's seen Shaggy get a girl this year. They're all getting laid vicariously through Heath, I suppose, and Heath now probably mentally resolves to bag another girl in Perry's honor. Steven tells Perry it's totally cool that he's a virgin. So don't have sex, kids! Penetration is for losers. "You've had sex?" Perry asks, stunned. "How did you do that?" Lizzie gazes guiltily at Steven while he tries to avoid answering the question. Rachel shoots him a compassionate smile.