Big, big, speech-defying thanks to M. Darcy for coming through with a tape of this episode, to Grinaldi for being my wing man, and to everyone else who was willing to help me persevere in the face of a disobedient VCR.
Rachel and Lizzie stroll the quad, the former complaining about being single and not having any good eye candy. "What about [Heath]?" Lizzie teases, as if he has a history with Rachel that we're missing. Rachel's mouth curls in distaste. "I don't like guys like that," she shrugs. "Super-hot English guys?" Lizzie asks, astounded. No -- male sluts. Rachel ascribes her dislike to the fact that, traditionally, pretty boys tend to be boring. Wait, so she likes quirky guys? Then why not Shaggy or Ron, or did someone put their livers through a Cuisinart? Rachel, the girl with the baby-tee that says "Rock" in glitter over a shiny star symbol, has decided she wants a man with depth. Uh huh. "Oh, you mean like an ugly guy?" Lizzie perks up, warmed by the light of comprehension. "Shut up, you're so shallow," Rachel giggles. To disprove her, Lizzie points to her most selfless act of hormone-induced blindness: the night she nailed Steven. "Oh, true," Rachel allows.
Steven strolls into Chemistry class, peppy and extremely skinny, as usual. The teacher calls him over and unsympathetically tells him to report to the Bursar's office because of a tuition-related issue. Steven grins and promises to head over there right after class. The teacher shakes his head. "Mr. Karp, you have to have a ticket for this show," he sasses. As Steven collects his things, the teacher hops into the Wacky Fun boat and paddles toward hilarity. "I have something phenomenal for you to observe today," he glows, gesturing to two bottles of highly combustible fluid. Steven flounces out and pouts his way down the hall until an impressive explosion -- complete with the sound of actual fireworks -- rocks his old Chem classroom. Appreciative applause ensues. Clenching his teeth and fists, Steven growls and convulses.
In the dorm, Heath and a fellow actor rehearse some Shakespeare. This episode predates Larice, it seems, or else she'd be hanging around lapping up every drop of saliva that doth fly from Heath's frantically acting mouth. "And...scene," Jimmy says when they're done. They slap hands and congratulate each other on a dialogue well executed. Rachel appears with Lizzie and openly checks out Heath's acting partner, who excuses himself to attend his Feminine Studies class. That's the kind of class guys either take because they hope it includes a generous helping of vaginal analysis, or so they can meet chicks at bars and say, "Oh, I'm majoring in Feminine Studies to better understand the beautiful Earthly gift that is Woman," or some other sensitive bullshit/panty remover. Rachel looks him over and giggles a greeting. He exits with a Jimmy Stewart impersonation.
"Who's that guy?" Rachel asks coyly, sidling up to Heath. He laughs. "You and Jimmy?" Heath snorts. "That's not gonna work." Rachel defensively -- and a tad flirtatiously -- wonders why: "Because he's not some blond British guy?" Heath feigns offense and then cheerfully promises to arrange a rendezvous for Rachel and Jimmy. She's delighted, and he just shakes his head and snickers.
Steven goes to his father's place and rails against Hal for failing to pay the tuition. Hal hedges that he'd been trying to hash out a payment plan with the school, but got embroiled in a complicated game of phone tag. Steven is floored to hear that his parents didn't lay a nest egg to ensure he'd get an education. Guiltily, Hal admits he cracked it after becoming unemployed, and never quite got around to popping out a replacement. Not even a decoy egg. Nothing. "I never would've lost my job if not for the stress from the divorce lawyers," Hal complains. Steven sputters that he can't believe Hal has a TiVo to feed his TV addiction, yet he can't pay for his son's education. "One year of TiVo covers about two days of tuition," Hal points out. Steven, unsure what else to do, rubs his head. Hal bitches that Steven's mother is the one gallivanting around Prague "squandering the family rubles." Poor Steven. Hal can't quite let go of the bitterness. Hal swears he's jobhunting, but not for any old gig -- the rightone. In the meantime, he expects a resentful Steven to get a job and work to help pay some of the bills. "Welcome to the real world," he trites to his irritated son.
Jimmy lends Heath a video cassette and whips out his Marlon Brando imitation. Heath smiles politely and then explains that Rachel thinks he's "proper tidy." Jimmy brightens. "Hoo-ah!" he Pacinos, delighted. Then he switches personas. "Please, would you hook me up so Mini-Me and I can go on a date?" Jimmy mimics. His Dr. Evil is pretty good -- they're all good, except perhaps for the Al Pacino imitation. Heath is clearly put off as he watches Jimmy qua Dr. Evil tell his Mini-Me to stand at attention. "Rachel's gonna love you," he says sarcastically, rolling his eyes but clearly amused to see how this turns out.
Frosh Pit. Shaggy brandishes a pan of rice pudding and tries to tempt Ron with it. "Try me, I'm delicious!" he says. "Rice pudding?" Ron gapes, disgusted. "That's pudding with rice in it?" Shaggy implores him to try it, balances a chunk of pudding on a spatula, and airplanes it toward Ron's mouth. Ron reluctantly gnaws on it and is impressed with how tasty it is, except there's no WAY it's any good, but whatever. It's free food, which for most guys means it's succulent food. Shaggy crows that they're the kings of free nosh because he works in the cafeteria and can pinch whatever he likes. Ron guards the rice pudding. "It's mine," he says flatly. "It's mine now." This kicks off a montage of him scarfing the cake-like pudding; we end up with an empty tray of it on the common-room table while Ron and Shaggy go to town on a pan of Imitation Red No. 35 Generic Brand Gelatin Dessert. "This is the life," Shaggy moans in ecstasy. Ron stares down a spoonful of the anonymous substance. "MMMM," Shaggy climaxes. "This is the LIFE!" Ron slurps up one last spoonful and declares himself unable to eat one more bite. He looks slightly ill.
Steven enters and shares the bitter news that Hal didn't pay his tuition, so he's got to find a job. Ron has the perfect solution. "I saw this in a film," he explains. "You are a student by day, and an illustrious man-prostitute by night." Steven stares at him. Steven also doesn't look completely uninterested, given that his crusade into Lizzie's holy land hasn't been a raging success. Shaggy excitedly offers to hook up Steve with a swanky job at the cafeteria, but Steven winces and refuses to work somewhere so gross. This wounds Shaggy, who grabs the I Can't Believe It's Not A Name-Brand Jiggly Snack Treat, refuses to share it, and retreats to his room. "Thank you," breathes Ron. "I thought he was just fattening me up to eat me."
The first step to campus employment, it seems, is Perry. He works for whatever office helps students get on-campus jobs, but because he's Perry and he just shows up randomly without much back story, he doesn't recognize our hero. "Steven," Steven introduces himself. "Steven," Perry says, thinking hard before launching into his rap: "Steven. Believe in/ The story that I'm weavin'/ Without the skills/ To pay the bills/ Even Steven/ He be thievin'." Steven and I both stare at him, dumbfounded and confused and vaguely wondering if we've crossed into some MTV hell dimension. "All campus work is gone after the first week," Perry says. Steven wonders about off-campus work, so Perry shares that he donates blood twice a week under three different names, and his friend is a medical guinea pig. "I thought I saw an ad for a job at the art-supply store," Steven says uncomfortably. "That job doesn't exist," Perry explains. "For some reason, hot girls like art. I put that in there to get numbers -- my Palm Pilot is bursting." Steven's desperation mounts, so Perry fingers his keyboard and locates the last available job on campus, which also happens to be the very worst.
Cut to Steven in the cafeteria, clad in an apron. A small Indian dude explains the rules to him. He's clad in a toffee-colored jacket and a yellow shirt, the official wardrobe of mediocrity. "Have you had a job before?" he asks Steven, who points out that he did have a paper route once. The Sultan of Swill isn't keen on those credentials -- after all, this is a cafeteria, a no-throwing zone. Sultan explains that Shaggy, his #1 man, recommended Steven highly. To emulate Shaggy is to win his heart. "I like you, but I could hate you," Sultan says, flailing his hands wildly in what I imagine is supposed to be physical comedy. "I can be very vicious." He warns Steven not to talk to "the customer," and welcomes him to dining-hall hell.
Shaggy shuffles over proudly. "Welcome, my brother, to the best job on campus!" he beams. Excited, he opens a passing, steaming vat of sludge -- baked beans, perhaps, or corn niblets swimming in yellowing water -- and inhales deeply. "Opens up the pores!" he insists. "People pay for this and we get it for free!" Steven can't believe how twisted this is. Boastfully, Shaggy grabs a half-eaten hot-dog and proudly tears a chunk out of the unsullied end. So, so vile. Nauseating. And terrifying, because I'm betting this happens ALL THE TIME at restaurants and dining halls, and that just makes me want to hide. "Oh, dude, someone else ate that!" Steven gags, horrified. Shaggy reassures him that the trick is to bite from the pure end, although he can only ever take one bite because he then forgets which side he gnawed. "Some people eat the whole thing," he snickers. "I'm not that gross, know what I mean?"
Rachel and Jimmy are nervously perched on his bed, tapping their feet, staring anywhere but at each other. The wall behind them is papered with three posters -- one for the first Austin Powers movie, one for Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, and one for So I Married an Axe Murderer. Finally, Jimmy thanks her for coming over and compliments her looks. "You're not like all the other really attractive girls on campus," he says. "I think you're...unique." Rachel smiles awkwardly and reciprocates. "I guess we're, like, two unique types of people," Jimmy says as Christopher Walken. Rachel's grin falters. Jimmy proudly explains that he does impersonations. "And characters," he adds, as if to carefully separate the two types of comedy. Jimmy's dream is to perform these impressions. He leans in and kisses Rachel; they cut to a different and perfectly framed shot, in which Jim Carrey's Ace Ventura face fits perfectly into the space between their macking faces. It's like he's watching them. That's less arousing than a cold shower. As they break lip, Jimmy whispers in a rich Scottish accent, "Why do blonde girls taste different than all other girls?" Alarmed, Rachel recognizes Sean Connery and tongues Jimmy vigorously just to shut him up.
In the cafeteria, Steven works frantically while Shaggy finds ways to slack undetected. He sleeps underneath things and only pilfers food when he's absolutely sure the Sultan of Swill won't see him. Steven, meanwhile, says a simple hello to Lizzie and gets scolded by the boss. Shaggy starts to eat scrap food, but shovels the entire half-bitten thing into his mouth to avoid being spotted by the Sultan, and then has the good sense to look disgusted with himself. God, he'd better have some industrial-strength Listerine at home. Steven stands still while patrons stack dirty trays in his arms, and tiredly wipes tables. I feel for him. I was a pretty nice dining-hall guest, and I still turned over some disgustingly messy trays to the staff there. But when you sit at those tables long enough, your leftover cake practically begs to be dumped in your cereal bowl and mixed with Diet Coke, pudding and a baked-potato skin. You just try to resist the pull of Food Mischief. You can't. It's bigger than you are.
Heath smirks and asks Rachel how things are with Jimmy. "Great," she says unconvincingly. "How are the voices treating you?" he persists, unable to hide his mirth. Lizzie tries to take the heat off Rachel, saying that Jimmy's really very talented and does a killer Dr. Evil. Heath and Ron aren't impressed. Ron takes a deep breath. "I'll just say it, you know? Impersonations are not cool," he asserts. He does a great Yoda impression and then looks ashamed of himself. Rachel winces. "That was my Yoda, and now I'm humiliated, all because of impersonations," Ron concludes. "They're bad. That's the message. I took a hit." Brilliant.
Back in her room, Rachel leans pathetically against the doorjamb and listens to a painful Al Pacino impersonation on her answering machine. She's grossed out by Jimmy. "I can't stand these voices!" she wails. "They give me the creeps!" Jimmy's Scooby-Doo is on the machine. She begs Lizzie not to tell Heath how annoyed she is, and announces her intention to dump Jimmy, not least because bestiality is so 2001.
Steven looks both ways and then shovels a pie into his backpack. "What the hell are you doing?" yelps the Sultan of Swill. "Have you lost your entire brain?" Steven swears he isn't stealing because it was a waste pie, but the Sultan points out that until the thing is sitting in the garbage can, it's viable to be served and therefore, Steven's a thief. "How much do you want me to yell at you?" he shouts. Ha! "I can't believe you good-for-nothing college boys, working for beer money, [coming] in to steal my cake!" Steven panics and tries to return the pie, but that's not the right answer either. "I can't serve my customer cake that has been in a boy's knapsack!" freaks the Sultan. Fed up, Steven removes his apron and loudly quits. "Are you not sorry for what you have done to my cake?" gapes Sultan. "No," Steven says stubbornly. Oh, you do NOT give lip to the Sultan, laddie. Never piss off anyone who can put bodily fluids or other contaminants into your food supply.
Frosh Pit. Steven hangs up the phone and rejoices that Hal got a new job. Heath, Ron, and Shaggy look up from their vat of pasta to congratulate Steven. Grinning, Steve shares that Hal wants to treat them all to a fat supper on the town. "Off-campus dining!" sighs Ron. "I am definitely in." Shaggy freezes, pasta hanging from his stuffed mouth. "What, you don't like my cooking now?" he bristles. Ron shakes his head. "You're so touchy," he says. "So touchy." They're so married.
Steven, Heath, Shaggy, Ron, and Lizzie -- each as dolled up as their respective wardrobes allow -- file into a fancy restaurant and sit happily at a round table. "Swanky place!" the gang praises. "Looks like my dad's rolling again," Steven says proudly. "I bet they have crushed ice in the urinals," Shaggy muses dreamily. "Doesn't get any fancier than that." Ron wonders if it's there so people can make urine sno-cones. Nah, that's why the Midwest has winter. Lizzie is disgusted. Steven leans eagerly toward his crush. "What do you think, Lizzie?" he asks, desperate to impress. She smiles and lauds their surroundings. Just then, Hal approaches and introduces himself. "I'll be your server tonight!" he beams with obvious glee. Steven's face falls, and the gang quietly accepts menus from Hal.
Someone knocks on Jimmy's door. He opens it to reveal Rachel's belly, which wants to have a talk with him. Her breasts, which are pushed up so far they plug her nostrils, would also like to chat. Jimmy shushes her because the Mike Myers Biography is on. "Have you seen So I Married an Axe Murderer?" he asks, almost manic. "One of my favorite movies. So underrated." He imitates the Scottish dad, then shushes an increasingly irritated Rachel with the Austin Powers "zip it" routine. After going on for far too long with it, Jimmy shuts his lunatic trap, pecks her pompously on the cheek, and settles in on the bed to worship the heritage of his favorite actor. Rachel pales.
Hal jovially offers the guys cocktails. "I'll have a Jack Daniels," smiles Heath, turning on the charm. "IDs please!" Hal chirps with a belly laugh. "You guys are having chocolate milk! Shirley Temples all around!" Steven is crabby and flustered. "He's usually in sales, my dad," he whispers to the group. "The last job he had, he was the #1 guy for five months in a row. Pretty cool. Very powerful." Everyone looks vaguely embarrassed, mostly because Steven is so poorly masking his humiliation. "Your dad's sweet," Lizzie offers sincerely. Steven blinks, and then hurriedly excuses himself from the table. Lizzie watches him go, fretting.
Jimmy mouths the words to Biography. "I guess you've seen this before," Rachel gulps, mortified on his behalf. "Yeah," he breathes. "It's inspiring." Aghast, Rachel is rendered speechless.
Steven stands near the bathrooms and watches Hal work his waiter magic. "Can we have some bread, please?" one patron asks. "Guess you folks aren't on The Zone Diet," Hal chortles. "Just kidding!" Steven stuffs his hands in his pockets and mopes. Lizzie approaches to check on him, and they watch Hal check on one table's soup. "You didn't find a glass eye in there, did you?" Hal asks casually. Steven shakes his head. "I feel like the divorce ruined everything," he complains. He sees his Dad as a ridiculous shell of his former self, a guy who would once yell at waiters and send back food. "Things change," Lizzie says sagely. "Everybody doesn't always get the job that they want." Wow, she's a real student of life, isn't she? So clever, and deep as a teaspoon. But she does notice that Hal appears to be enjoying himself immensely. "What do you recommend?" a diner asks Hal. "Tech stocks, mutual funds...stay away from that dot-com stuff!" he jokes. The people laugh, and Steven nods grudgingly. Lizzie points out that Hal's trying his hardest to take care of things, and loops her arm affectionately around Steven's shoulders. "Wanna go eat?" she grins. He smiles. It's a really sweet moment, and it's great seeing her take care of him rather than treat him like a loyal puppy. Carla Gallo conveys genuine affection for Steven here.
The Mike Myers Hour ends, and Jimmy wipes his eye emotionally. And now that he's fully turned on, he turns to Rachel and informs her via Dr. Evil that it's naughty time. She shoves him away and begs him to stop the impressions. "You don't like the voices? They don't amuse you?" he Joe Pescis. She frantically avers that she really hates the damn things. Jimmy, crestfallen, whimpers that this is his life -- he wants to be on SNL, "like Myers and Belushi." Rachel's jaw swings loose. "Why would you even want to be on that show?" she sputters. "It hasn't been funny in, like, forever!" Hey, step off Will Ferrell and Darrell Hammond. Jimmy also flips out. "Have you seen Will Ferrell's Bush? HAVE YOU SEEN FERRELL'S BUSH?" he screams. Part of me -- okay, and the other part, too -- hopes that this line refers to when they filmed "Addicts," and some salacious and bawdy off-camera joke about Ferrell's bush. Jimmy spits that it's unfair for Rachel to assume she's the bastion of cool, and calls her shallow for dumping him just because he dares to dream. He even throws in a Kermit the Frog impersonation for effect, because no one conveys bitter sarcasm like a green muppet with a abusive pig girlfriend. Hurt by his accusation, Rachel speedily switches tacks and lies that she's actually only breaking up with him because she has a boyfriend, and cheating on her boyfriend made her feel too much like a big, ugly cheater, but she thought it'd be easier to end things with Jimmy if she pretended it was about The Voices. He buys it, thrilled that she doesn't think he's weird. They hug, during which time he makes the grave mistake of throwing in a Jimmy Stewart line. Rachel tenses, frightened anew.
Dinner is over. Ron gratefully shakes Hal's hand. "Back to rice-pudding hell," he sighs, ill. "Fine, more for me," spits Shaggy under his breath. Aw. He's bizarre enough to be funny, but not so gross that I stop loving him. Lizzie pecks Hal on the cheek and Heath also pays his respects, leaving Hal and Steven alone. "Sorry about the surprise element," Hal says. Steven grins; he's fine with it now, and compliments the restaurant. "I like it," Hal admits, pleased. "Beats the hell out of selling Swedish cars." Steven is genuinely glad to hear it. Hal, trying to be blasé but really brimming with excitement, whips out Señor Wad: The Sequel and tells Steven to go buy himself an English lit class. "Oh my God, Dad!" Steven gasps, touched. "Thank you!" They hug. "We're gonna be all right," Hal says quietly. "I know," Steven nods happily. AW! Hal had become such a buffoon, and Steven did nothing but act humiliated by his well-intentioned if also misguided father. This is the first time -- well, since the last two seconds of the pilot -- that they've really connected as father and son, and I love it. Give peace a chance.
Rachel's machine is fast becoming an instrument of torture. Pained, she listens to Jimmy leave her a message about his developing pirate character. She bangs her head against the doorframe. "Is that Jimmy?" Heath asks with a smirk, appearing behind her. "He's doing a pirate character now? Charming." Rachel isn't amused, except she manages to look at Heath with a flirty gleam in her eye anyway. Heath offers a semi-sincere apology for the stunning failure of the Rachel-Jimmy experiment. "I tried to warn you," he chuckles. "time, try harder," she sighs, sweeping past him but still looking like she'd be happy to impersonate one of his girlfriends and ravage him senseless. He follows her into the hall and suggests introducing her to his ventriloquist pal. But that raises too many issues about where he's allowed to put his hand.
And finally, Steven has crawled back to the Sultan of Swill, begging for another chance to sling hash and sponge grime and woo the Sultan with Steven's work ethic. "Don't even try," Sultan scoffs. "[Shaggy] is my best worker, but you can try to be better." Shaggy grins and welcomes Steven back into the fold. Conspiratorially, Steven grabs a half-eaten hamburger and takes a huge bite out of the uneaten end. "Oooh, I wouldn't do that if I were you," backpedals Shaggy. Around a mouthful of burger, Steven -- damn alarmed -- wonders why not, as Shaggy taught him that trick in the first place. "I'm pretty sure that's how I got this rash," Shaggy shares, rolling up his sleeve to reveal some nasty red-black welts on his arm. It looks like he's been jabbing himself with a turkey baster. Steven, grossed out, gags on the food. "You should see my back," Shaggy adds.
The closing credits run to more of Jimmy's audition reel for SNL -- in the same scene in which Heath sets him up with Rachel, Jimmy whips out more Dr. Evil and more Christopher Walken. But what that scene really needs is more cowbell.